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*isha-1 agony aunt

*isha-1

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Hi there!

Be brave, Tell the truth. Be kind. If you can do that all in the same sentence, you will be an amazing agony aunt. Sign up. I'm still trying to reach that ideal.

I heard this quote recently: ""The truth is like castor oil. It’s difficult to take and hard to swallow, so we get them to laugh and while their mouths are open, we pour a little in." -Harold Clurman

If you have an urgent question, please post it on the main page. Real life keeps me busy and has enough going on to keep me from being on here 24/7.... I hope yours does too! ;)

Current book recommendation: Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. The Power of Now, also by Eckhart Tolle. Really powerful stuff in there about not letting your runaway thoughts take over your life. Be present in the Now. You have what you need, right there, right inside yourself. Do yourself a HUGE favor and read these books. They may lead to an important and fundamental shift in your well-being. "Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are cause by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence." --Eckhart Tolle

All time fave relationship figure out book: A Fine Romance, Judith Sills, PhD. Buy if you are stuck and can't figure out why he won't commit, or why you keep picking guys who can't commit.

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." -The Dalai Lama

"Most people are doing the best they can, given what they know and understand. Including you. If they knew more and were aware of more, they would do things differently." -- Louise Hay

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." -Mark Twain

I like these links right now: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4593/A-Simple-Way-to-Let-Go-of-Our-Negative-Patterns.html

http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/04/04/25-life-lessons/

So here's the thing. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. Weakness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Actually, according to Albert Einstein, that's the definition of insanity but I think that's a bit of a strong word choice.

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” -The Dalai Lama.

The choices you make may affect others. Think about the consequences, intended or unintended, before you do something that you may have to explain later. Imagine you are standing in front of a group of people and have to defend what you chose to do.... if you can't manage to do it well, that's a fairly plain indicator it's a bad idea.

If everyone who loves you hates your partner, there might be a problem. If you only have your partner, there IS a problem.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-8202/12-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-relationship.html

If he’s mean to you now, he’s only going to get worse. Some people are energy vampires; they feed on the pain they inflict on others. They are broken. They will break you. Get out. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can fix him. You can’t.

You have my permission to say “no.”

If you are depressed, think of it like an illness. You have to treat it. Medicine can help. Talk to your doctor. If you’re drinking a lot, you’re already self-medicating. You might as well get some prescription-grade pharmaceuticals to help you get to a point where you can figure out why you’re self-medicating.

There’s a reason it’s called ‘junk food.’

Yoga is good for the body and the mind as well as soothing the spirit. Try it. Brisk walks are great too.

Don't eat crap. Canned sugary beverages or canned diet beverages are NOT good for you, they have no nutritional value and set you up for a lot of bad stuff. Don't drink them. Water is good. Decide if you can tolerate coffee or tea (I love them both) and then drink those in moderation.

Life is nasty, cold, brutal, unfair, and crappy. It’s also amazing, beautiful, uplifting, awe-inspiring and fun. You choose how you’re going to approach it every day.

I have a few soapboxes that I tend to haul out: I don't like to see people put their health or future at risk and I REALLY don't like to see them put other's health or future at risk. I feel strongly that not providing good sex education or keeping sex education from children is a form of child abuse. It's like sending them out into the world not knowing how to buckle a seatbelt.

I love this video from plannedparenthood.org (How Pregnancy Happens): http://websrvr40nj.audiovideoweb.com/avwebdsnjwebsrvr4501/portal/media/media-050516-pregnancy.html

More good information from plannedparenthood.org on the various methods of birth control:

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control//birth-control-effectiveness-chart-22710.htm

I don't have any expertise in abusive relationships, but I do think there are some common sense basics that people who are in one might be missing. Find out more here: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171

Be brave, Tell the truth. Be kind. If you can do that all in the same sentence, you will be an amazing agony aunt. Sign up. I'm still trying to reach that ideal.

Latest articles:

Questions to ask before getting married!

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24 March 2016: I just read a great article in the New York Times online. "13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married” It was written by Eleanor Stanford and posted March 24, 2016. http://www.nytimes.com...

Need Christmas or other holiday gift ideas? Look here!

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Retrograde jealousy

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1 May 2008: I posted this as an answer to a young man, a virgin, who wanted to know about his young girlfriend, also a virgin... First, I know it's hard to believe but a girl her age may not know her body very well. She may not know what is sexually stimula...

More than one way to get up the Duff!!

This question has 8 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

14 March 2008: Some us ‘Aunts’ have been entertaining ourselves with fundamental questions about various ways pregnancy occurs…. I remembered that there were strange stories surrounding the births of some of the gods and goddesses of ancient myth, and I had a ...

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My husband cheated while we were separated

Q.   Hi, I have been married for 14 years now and have a 11 year old son. I walked out of his home 7 years back when I couldnt get along with his parents and he wasnt ready to live separately with ME. He would come and see me and my son on weekends. But ...

A.   4 September 2018: In Iceland, I found a legal opinion link that says you don’t need to prove any infidelity in order to divorce. That same link also said that if there were young children involved that the parents had to go through a conciliation process. It’s mand... (read in full...)

How can I stop being mad at my parents ?

Q.   This is a family question not so much a love question. My cousin who I consider to be a sister has fallen ill and is here in this country by herself - her parents abandoned her - I have been named the guardian under hospital records and I have ...

A.   16 August 2018: CindyCares’ answer was brilliant! What does your “cousin” have? Why would you accept a financial responsibility you cannot meet? Why can’t your cousin arrange her own medical care? Please follow up. I see you post often but rarely do you ta... (read in full...)

My husband asked my permission to flirt on text messages

Q.   My husband loves me a lot, he is extremely extrovert and would be friendly to everyone, but some time back he has been asking me permission to flirt only on text messages, nothing on phone or meeting,he has been honest with me too about his ...

A.   10 August 2018: Life is too short to devote your life to a man whose ego is so needy that he needs to get ego boosts from women he does not know. Life is too short to spend it with a man who wastes his time chatting up strangers instead of building his rela... (read in full...)

Is it wrong to cut ties with former friends who let me down?

Q.   Two years ago I worked for a small company of approx 60 people and my colleagues were like family. We worked together, socialised together-it was very tight knit. Then unfortunately one of our clients gave us a project that went wrong. One of my...

A.   7 August 2018: As you no doubt know by now, life is short. And it can be cut even shorter by disease or accident. Decide for yourself if contact with the people you once worked with is something you’ve been missing in your life. Do they bring you joy or prob... (read in full...)

Is it wrong to cut ties with former friends who let me down?

Q.   Two years ago I worked for a small company of approx 60 people and my colleagues were like family. We worked together, socialised together-it was very tight knit. Then unfortunately one of our clients gave us a project that went wrong. One of my...

A.   7 August 2018: As you no doubt know by now, life is short. And it can be cut even shorter by disease or accident. Decide for yourself if contact with the people you once worked with is something you’ve been missing in your life. Do they bring you joy or prob... (read in full...)

He has PTSD. Should I give him another chance?

Q.   How do i deal with someone who has ptsd ( from serving in the army )? I met a guy on a dating site last year all was well for a few month then he seemed to have a melt down .He wouldnt see me or answer my calls and i got a bit worried. After 2 m...

A.   6 August 2018: I wouldn’t if I were in your shoes. You’ve given him plenty of chances to show he’s really interested in you; he hasn’t taken those chances. Perhaps he’s just the warm up act for the next man who will actually be emotionally available. You’ve l... (read in full...)

My fiance lied about not being attracted to other women

Q.   Hi I'm not sure what I'm after writing here but I'm just feeling so hurt I don't know what to think :( I've been with my fiancè for 8 years and we've always been close. I've always trusted him but lately I dont feel close to him or feel like I...

A.   6 August 2018: Is the wedding date close? Because if it is, you will need to put it on indefinite hold, until you get yourself sorted about this. I’m surprised he’s planning to go through with the wedding as you clearly aren’t keen nor do you trust him. ... (read in full...)

Can I fool this new guy into thining I'm not a virgin?

Q.   Hello! I met a man online. We have been talking for three months on an dating app. We’ve clicked and have a lot in common. The conversation of us being intimate has come up. However, I don’t want to tell him I am a virgin, I’m 26 and he is 22...

A.   6 August 2018: Obviously the thought of having penetrative sex is concerning to you. You ask if your doctor could “break” your hymen to make it more comfortable. Have you actually been examined by an OBGYN? ... (read in full...)

Are my parents right to punish me with a prison type punishment ?

Q.   IS IT RIGHT THAT MY PARENTS HAVE PUT ME IN PRISON ? AND ARE THEY BEING MEAN FOR NOT LETTING ME GO OUT INTO OUR GARDEN ? I got caught shoplifting, my parents said they don't want to see me go to jail, so are punishing me severely, they h...

A.   29 July 2018: How old are you? Eight? Or 15? Because you sound quite immature if you don’t understand that there are consequences to actions. What do you think a fair punishment would be for someone who stole your property?... (read in full...)

For 3 years I have lied to my boyfriend about my surname

Q.   I have been lying to my boyfriend about my surname for this whole time (3 years) and I feel really guilty. I have introduced myself with my mother's surname. My name is quite infamous so I don't like to let people know about my family. I started ...

A.   25 July 2018: I have been lying to you about my surname for this whole time (3 years) and I feel really guilty. I have introduced myself with my mother's surname. My name is quite infamous so I don't like to let people know about my family. I started lying ... (read in full...)

I'm too shy to tell my boyfriend that some dominant sex acts are painful to me

Q.   My boyfriend have always been into dominant sex. Recently, he was asking me to slap him during sex, i found it really odd but i did anyways. We do love each other, however, his dominance in bed is sometimes painful. Im too shy to tell him to calm ...

A.   25 July 2018: If you are too shy to tell him he’s hurting you in bed then you should not be having sex with him. Some men (and women) get off on that kind of power imbalance in a sexual relationship. You deserve a happy, mutually respectful and non-inju... (read in full...)

How do I tell my long-term girlfriend that I'm secretly gay and have had affairs with men?

Q.   Hi everyone.. Im looking for some genuine advice, if anyone would be so kind.. How do i come out and tell my long term girlfriend that I've had an affairs with men? I know its wrong, and i shouldn't have lied to myself and her, but i fou...

A.   21 July 2018: “Anna, there’s no easy or comfortable way to tell you this. I’m so sorry that it’s taken me this long to figure this out and let you know. I’m not straight. I’m not attracted to women. “This is not “your fault,” this not something that you can “fix... (read in full...)

I overheard my wife saying that her ex was the best sex she'd ever had and now my ego is shattered!

Q.   So my ego has been devastated and I really don’t know how to handle this. Turns out I’m not the best sex my wife has ever had. Any advice is appreciated. About a week ago my wife had one of her friends at our house for some drinks. After ha...

A.   11 July 2018: My goodness, your ego must be a very fragile thing if you extrapolate what she said to the point that you feel like a loser. Also, you seem to be stuck in the past. A strong ego probably would have taken up the challenge as “she hasn’t had her best ... (read in full...)

My annoying girlfriend makes me want to bang my head against the wall!

Q.   My girlfriend frustrates me, I have been working hard all week, I haven’t even bothered trying to be close to her as when she sees me she remembers to take me to get replacement fan, than it’s food shopping, than it’s some other chore. This week...

A.   8 July 2018: Do you have a question or are you simply venting?... (read in full...)

I need help in letting him go!

Q.   We met online, he is kind, sweet, committed and just a good soul. I wasnt awfully attracted to him physically but he is the kindest man on this planet so I decided to meet him anyway. I was still not attracted to him but felt because he is such a ...

A.   3 July 2018: “You are a good man, great communicator, great kisser and hard worker and I hate that I would have to let you go but at the same time I should be honest with myself. I don’t see you with me as I don’t feel the level of attraction that is necessary ... (read in full...)

I need help in letting him go!

Q.   We met online, he is kind, sweet, committed and just a good soul. I wasnt awfully attracted to him physically but he is the kindest man on this planet so I decided to meet him anyway. I was still not attracted to him but felt because he is such a ...

A.   3 July 2018: “Albert, we need to talk. I’ve been quiet and not demonstrative with you because I was waiting for stronger feelings to grow. You are a kind man with many positive qualities. It’s just I am not seeing a future with you. I did hope for that to happ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend is nasty when we argue. Does he not care?

Q.   My boyfriend is loving and caring but when we argue he likes to name call, being nasty and defensive, as if trying to hurt me back for upsetting him (however unintentionally). I KNOW this is not the ideal conflict resolution scenario. I'm just ...

A.   3 July 2018: He’s shown you who he is. Do you not believe him? Are you hoping that he will stop being a nasty person because he is involved with you? You sound like you are being groomed by him into accepting his nastiness. Which will then escalate from verb... (read in full...)

How can I stop obsessing over a taken man?

Q.   Has anyone dealt with obsessive love and limerence? I have an issue with being obsessed with my crushes and making up scenarios and fairy tale endings in my head to the point where all I think about is the object of my obsession . To be frank I am ...

A.   20 June 2018: Are you getting help for your obsessive thought disorder? If not, go to your doctor and explain that obsessive thoughts are interfering with your life and that you need help. If you are in treatment, did you tell your health counselor about this... (read in full...)

Me and my dad's friend want to take it to the next level

Q.   Me and my dad's friend have been texting for a while and we've talked about taking things to another level... Im not sure what to do about it, i mean i'm 21 an he's about 30, I have always like older guys and we are into each other but you know he's ...

A.   15 June 2018: Does “taking things to another level” mean you are going to go out on double dates with him and your parents? Or does it mean you two go have sex without telling anyone you are actually kind of a couple? Healthy things survive the light of day. ... (read in full...)

Does kissing get easier over time?

Q.   I recently asked this question on here, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-first-time-dater-and-find-myself.html and you guys gave me some great advice and I've been trying to incorporate what I was told. Essentially the advice was to go...

A.   5 June 2018: I get the sense that you have some phobias or aversions that have prevented you from getting into dating/romantic situations. Is the aversion or phobia to all body fluids or just saliva? If someone calls it “spit” instead, does that change your reac... (read in full...)

My superiors kept me in the dark about an employee's recent transfer

Q.   Hello Aunts and Uncles, This is not a romance question, it‘s work-related. I’m a department supervisor in a mid-sized company. Long story short, I’ve just learned that one of the employees I manage, and who was hired only 3 months ago, applied fo...

A.   29 May 2018: You didn’t choose a country flag, which might have helped in decoding the cultural backdrop of your situation. What us normal and expected in Ghana could be very different and unrealistic in Singapore. Cairo has different workplace traditions than... (read in full...)

Should I lie and say the baby is his?

Q.   Ive made a mess but now ive got to grow up and sort it out. Me and my 'ex'boyfriend had a break , we didnt say what each other can or cant do and if we were going to get back together. I had a feeling he was seeing someone else but just left him to ...

A.   29 May 2018: I don’t think the OP was suggesting that she lie to pass off the baby, she knows that’s wrong. Her question is whether she should tell him she’s pregnant with another man’s child or just end the attempt at reconciliation without telling him abou... (read in full...)

I accused my boyfriend of lying and now he won't talk to me

Q.   Ok, so I'm not in a really good place right now and I'm hoping for some help. My bf is a super sweet guy but he can also be emotionally distant and introverted. I don't like this part of him and I feel insecure because of it. I'm trying to f...

A.   25 May 2018: So anon, what do you propose this OP to end the relationship? I think she should get counseling lined up, then end the relationship so this OP isn’t here next year, and the next and then in 2021 completely upset that MM won’t commit, and is he chea... (read in full...)

I accused my boyfriend of lying and now he won't talk to me

Q.   Ok, so I'm not in a really good place right now and I'm hoping for some help. My bf is a super sweet guy but he can also be emotionally distant and introverted. I don't like this part of him and I feel insecure because of it. I'm trying to f...

A.   25 May 2018: From 3 years ago, you wrote: “I need healthier outlets for my emptiness and unfulfilled life. Healthier escapes or outlets. This one is only going to lead me to destruction and heart break. It feels good right now but someday that joy will turn to ... (read in full...)

I accused my boyfriend of lying and now he won't talk to me

Q.   Ok, so I'm not in a really good place right now and I'm hoping for some help. My bf is a super sweet guy but he can also be emotionally distant and introverted. I don't like this part of him and I feel insecure because of it. I'm trying to f...

A.   25 May 2018: Three and a half years ago, you wrote this: “But my trust issues are coming up a lot lately and as much as I want to, I am always questioning things he does, says, where he has been, what he has been doing. I feel jealous and insecure even though I ... (read in full...)

I accused my boyfriend of lying and now he won't talk to me

Q.   Ok, so I'm not in a really good place right now and I'm hoping for some help. My bf is a super sweet guy but he can also be emotionally distant and introverted. I don't like this part of him and I feel insecure because of it. I'm trying to f...

A.   25 May 2018: OP, I found something I wrote to you nearly 5 years ago: “What was it you were here to ask? Oh right, a married man that you encouraged to come on to you treated you like shit and you felt awful and lousy and the lowest of the low. And what a surp... (read in full...)

I accused my boyfriend of lying and now he won't talk to me

Q.   Ok, so I'm not in a really good place right now and I'm hoping for some help. My bf is a super sweet guy but he can also be emotionally distant and introverted. I don't like this part of him and I feel insecure because of it. I'm trying to f...

A.   24 May 2018: He’s married! http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-does-my-married-boyfriend-love-me-one.html You are his mistress. You don’t trust him. He has told you time and again that he can’t give you what you demand. Why you stay attached to a ma... (read in full...)

A choice between Craig and Tom

Q.   I’ve been with Craig for over three years and I do love him, although I’ve never been sure he’s the one. He’s a great support among many other great attributes, however he has no drive and never will, he’s lazy, he doesn’t dress properly for work ...

A.   1 May 2018: Do you really need a bunch of online strangers to tell you that you need to break up with Craig? Ok then, I’ll oblige. Break up with boring loser boyfriend. It’s absolutely ok that you recognize early on he’s not your life partner! He des... (read in full...)

My uncle says I remind him of my abusive father

Q.   I feel like ive caused a massive family rift by asking a silly question. Ive had a difficult relationship with my uncle for many of my adult years. He is often very sullen and angry around me. I get short snippy answers to anything i say. He is 48 ...

A.   1 May 2018: Goldie, please get counseling for this and if you have please revisit your need for more counseling. The uncle with appalling social skills and a talent for insults and verbal abuse seems to be working through things that happened 35 years ago. He ... (read in full...)

My family want me to continue dating this really nice guy but I feel no attraction towards him

Q.   I'm dating the most amazing, nice guy but I don't feel any physical attraction towards him. I'm confused because I haven't met someone so nice in a long time. I don't want to miss out..but then I don't want to settle. What do I do? I feel pressure ...

A.   1 May 2018: He’s not your match. Let him go! Maybe you’re in his life to find him his true match? Tell all your girlfriends how awesome he is and make sure they all know you’re not passing on him for any other reason than he’s not your match. Maybe then you... (read in full...)

Why does my ex married lover want to fix things?

Q.   I really don't know what to anymore about my situation. I left my married lover because it was the right thing to do and it was hurting me. We are both military (one outranks the other) so it complicates things in terms of actually having a ...

A.   1 May 2018: He’s hoping the affair doesn’t come to light and that he can keep his benefits. Also he likes that you are so weak mentally that he can make you his hostage. If you need more of a wake up call contact his CO! OP, do you need services to figure t... (read in full...)

Their Grandma wont drop the subject, what do I do?

Q.   A few years ago, my sister-in-law's grandmother and her boyfriend went to Alaska on a vacation (the boyfriend is now decease). We talked about Alaska and I mentioned to her that Alaska is my dream vacation. I did my research and realize how much...

A.   23 April 2018: “You are so sweet to ask about my travel plans to Alaska. I did some research and realized it’s not possible for me for at least a couple of years. Check back in 5 years and I’ll have an update then!” —— “Alas, I won’t be able to go there for quit... (read in full...)

My husband is a hopeless cook who thinks he is great

Q.   My husband likes to cook but is bad at it. I am a great cook since I’ve worked in the restaurant industry for ten years. I want to teach him and have him start by helping me chop the vegetables and take care of the kitchen first before doing the ...

A.   16 February 2018: Anger about what? Do you want to be right or do you want to be married to this man? ... (read in full...)

How do I convince my much younger wife to allow another man to join us in the bedroom?

Q.   Hi. I am looking for advice {mostly from women}on how to convince my wife (almost 20 years younger than me)to allow another younger man to join us in bed so I can watch him pleasure her. Without going into a boring explanation let me just say I'm ...

A.   10 February 2018: What did she say when you asked her? You have talked about it, haven’t you? If not, why not?... (read in full...)

I didn't realise being a bridesmaid would mean so much pre wedding work!

Q.   Hi folks, I’m looking for some help working out if I’m being unreasonable; if my friend is; or if it’s a bit of both. So basically my friend is getting married in August and I’m going to be a bridesmaid. That’s all fine, but the problem is she s...

A.   2 February 2018: “Hi, Shelly, I can’t get together this week during the week or next week either. I’ve started this new job and I am now at work or commuting for 13-14 hours every day. After I carve out my necessary sleep out of the remainder, I have 3-4 hours to ... (read in full...)

My job interviewed didn't offer me a job but asked me out on a date. Is this appropriate?

Q.   I am job hunting. I recently got call from one of the jobs I was interested. In the middle of the interview, the interviewer did not offer me the job due to my school schedule clashing with the days he had available. Instead he asked me out on a ...

A.   26 January 2018: This man’s employers have the right and the duty to know what he’s doing during company business. I guarantee that asking potential employees out on dates isn’t in his job description and would be a reason to terminate employment. Tell his ... (read in full...)

Am I right to feel humiliated?

Q.   Why was this cAfe server laughing at me? Ordered a coffee from a mall cafe 3 weeks earlier.. I ordered a Coffee and a small cookie,( the same order I ordered 3 weeks ago) Same server. Whilst ordering she began laughing at me saying “...

A.   23 January 2018: Do you often feel mocked or laughed at? I’m not asking to mock or laugh. I’m asking because your question and the age you list suggest you might have trouble decoding people’s intentions. What did your friends and family think about what happ... (read in full...)

A guy I was dating said how hot my sister was, and I dumped him the same night! Am I overreacting?

Q.   Hey, everyone. So I met a guy a few weeks ago and we have been on 3 dates total. I enjoyed my time with him and he's quirky in the way that he thinks and he can come off like an ass, not in a malicious way, but it intrigues me and he has treated me ...

A.   22 January 2018: Clearly, you are very focused on being compared to other women. (Background here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-pretty-friend-gets-constant-attention-how-do.html ) My advice would be to re-read the advice given there, and to ask yourself why ... (read in full...)

Some advice on circumsision please

Q.   I'm nearly 26 years old and uncircumcised. In my country, only a certain religious group practice this. But now I hear it can be done as a medical procedure and it is beneficial for hygeine and is actually recommended by WHO. Am I too old to do it ...

A.   13 January 2018: I looked on the WHO website which does seem to be promoting circumcision as a protection against HIV transmission, in countries in Africa. http://www.who.int/hiv/topics/malecircumcision/en/ Do you have a doctor now?... (read in full...)

HE wants to play games with his ex, but I am not sure about it.

Q.   Hi, I started an LDR a week ago, we talk every day, everything is good. But he just got out of a 3months relationship ( his ex gf ended it..) Now, she's texting him, and he wants to go with it. wtich means he just wants to make fun of her and make...

A.   13 January 2018: Dating a guy who plays cruel “games” with his exes means he will soon be playing cruel “games” with you. Dump him now. He’s a loser.... (read in full...)

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