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*aletom

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Does anybody ever read these things? Send mail if you do!

What should I confess here? I am a quiet and shy introvert. You can piece together a bio by reading through my early posts. I'm a baby-boomer past the half-century mark, a gray-haired grandfather, so I guess "superannuated" is the most succinct term. My wife & I have been married (to each other!) for over 35 years, but she doesn't like to be called "my first wife". We have two adult children, plus one at university, and one who only lived about a day due to birth complications. We now live in St Louis, Missouri (roughly the center of North America) but grew up in Michigan and have lived in half a dozen different states.

I know how things look on BOTH sides of the hill. I have been 15 years old; I don't know many 15 year olds who have been 55. I have been with my own kids as they grew to be adults, and have been around many other parents (and kids) going through the same thing. (If I tend to sound like your parents, there's a reason. Most of us parents belong to the same union, so we have this "solidarity and brotherhood" thing among ourselves. Most teenagers view that as an Evil Conspiracy against the younger generation.)

I think that Forums such as this are generally helpful, since many factors pertaining to a question can be expressed in a short time. If I said something useful, or if I was way off base, I'd like to hear about it.

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I'm pregnant. My boyfriend wants me to get an abortion, but I don't feel its right. What should I do?

Q.   We are not at a financial state to have a baby. We have no money. We are both students. But the more I think about having an abortion, the harder it becomes. I already feel an emotional attachment to my baby, but my boyfriend doesn't understand ...

A.   6 June 2013: Even as a guy I know that "unplanned" is not the same as "unloved" - though our situation was the third child as a very married (but far from well-to-do) couple. Your unborn child is a person. There ARE alternatives to being "stuck" with an unwan... (read in full...)

Is it common that I can't orgasm? I'm only 18

Q.   Hi people. I am 18, I want to know if it is common for a woman not to be able to orgasm at my age? Or feel that cumming sensation without helping my self during sex? My boyfriend says it's weird and it hasn't happened with any of his ex's. It's ...

A.   6 June 2013: There's a lot of great advice here. The second most memorable sexual experience of my life (after the physical and emotional intensity of a double-virgin wedding night) was the time I helped my wife to her very first orgasm. That was over 39 ... (read in full...)

When is it time to tell him I don't want sex before marriage?

Q.   Hey everyone, I have been dating this guy for a month and a half now..we really like each other but may be things with us just happened too soon cuz there was soo much chemistry and sparks! There is one thing about me that I need him to know 'I ...

A.   4 June 2013: Yes, this is an appropriate point where you both need to know where each other stand on this matter. It's NOT a first-date discussion topic so there is no need to feel any shame or embarrassment for not having the discussion sooner. If he comes ... (read in full...)

Do some guys not like well-educated girls?

Q.   I'm currently at quite a good university studying a rigorous subject, and as I don't know any guys from my uni I'd really like to go out with I've started dating those from outside uni. I don't make a big deal out of my education, or like to argue...

A.   4 June 2013: You have actually convolved three or more significant factors in your question. Take the easy one first. It has long been observed that both men and women may have casual or short-term relationships with almost any willing partner, but when the... (read in full...)

How do I tell him of my inexperience?

Q.   So I'm in a relationship with this guy. I've never been in a relationship before him, because honestly I've never really wanted to date until he asked me out. I'm 17, he's 18. I am a virgin and have never gone further than second base. He is not a...

A.   31 May 2013: First you need to have a conversation with yourself and decide what sex means to you. Something to fill the time when there isn't anything interesting on TV? Something you do with good friends? A reward to be bartered for attention, power, or ... (read in full...)

Tissue problem when giving oral!

Q.   I love pleasing my wife orally. However, there's often some tissue remnants. just small bits which is really off putting. Blokes, is this common? How do you deal with it in the moment? Ladies, how can I broach this with her?...

A.   31 May 2013: Yes, it is definitely a big turn-off. Personally I think it could be avoided if she gave a little more attention to the task but I haven't been successful at getting this across to her. We do have a good enough relationship that I can calmly say, ... (read in full...)

The little death--a man crying after sex?

Q.   I want to ask people about something I recently learnt about called "The Little Death" when a guy cries after sex. Why is this? None of my exes did this. Can someone explain this further?...

A.   25 May 2013: I'm a male guy person of the masculine sex - the very first time I had sex, my wife and I gave our virginity to each other on our wedding night. I started crying from the emotional intensity as I orgasmed inside her. Has never happened since.... (read in full...)

Guys 20 and up--what's your take on this guys action and what should I do next?

Q.   So we are both in our mid-20s and studying the same course at university. We're not friends, but we're friendly- have done a few group assignments together and sometimes talk to each other before class. I honestly have no idea how he feels about me- ...

A.   20 May 2013: Ummmm . . . with all respect, I think I have answered your questions. Is he "interested"? Yes, probably so. Is he irresistibly attracted to you? Not yet - but he might be persuaded. Is he ready to set aside everything to be your life partner?... (read in full...)

I'd like to wait until Father's Day to tell my husband I'm pregnant

Q.   Hi! I just found out, Im two and a half weeks pregnant via blood test, so its very early on. ( I was getting a blood test anyway and had missed my period so I asked if my doctor could order a blood preg test also) Anyways its very early on and I ...

A.   20 May 2013: It really depends on the nature of your marriage relationship. In the great majority of cases I don't think waiting that length of time is wrong in any sense, and playing up the Fathers' Day connection even has a touch of romance. If the nature of ... (read in full...)

I'm planning to visit my long distance boyfriend, but too young to rent a hotel. Any suggestions?

Q.   So, this isn't really a relationship question, but my LDR boyfriend and I are planning to meet pretty soon and recently I've been trying to get everything prepared to go visit him. There are two problems though, I suppose. We're still pretty y...

A.   19 May 2013: "anonymous female", please accept my apologies for any embarrassment or discomfort I caused. Your explanation is quite mature and gracious. (I am actually quite impressed and encouraged by your standards and intentions. They are in line with my ... (read in full...)

How do guys feel about direct approaches like the one I'm thinking about trying?

Q.   Hi. I currently go to college. In one of my classes, there's this really attractive guy who I keep checking out [I can't help myself] and he usually catches me looking, but I quickly look away and mentally nag myself that I should've kept ey...

A.   18 May 2013: Hey, "anonymous female" . . . did you follow through? How did it go?... (read in full...)

I'm planning to visit my long distance boyfriend, but too young to rent a hotel. Any suggestions?

Q.   So, this isn't really a relationship question, but my LDR boyfriend and I are planning to meet pretty soon and recently I've been trying to get everything prepared to go visit him. There are two problems though, I suppose. We're still pretty y...

A.   18 May 2013: Forgive me if I misunderstand or read too much between the lines, but is the REAL problem the fact that you expect to have sex with your boyfriend, and either his mother doesn't approve of that, or perhaps she accepts or tolerates that behavior but ... (read in full...)

Sex for the first time. Birth control options?

Q.   I'm 22 years old and a virgin. I have been single for two years. During my previous relationships, I wasn't ready or interested in sex, but now I am. I've been dating a guy for a couple months. The relationship is still new, but I want to be ...

A.   17 May 2013: If you are single and a virgin at 22 you are among roughly 5% - 10% of women your age. That's a definite minority, but a very significant minority. More importantly, it shows that you value your sexuality and you can think for yourself. I admire ... (read in full...)

Guys 20 and up--what's your take on this guys action and what should I do next?

Q.   So we are both in our mid-20s and studying the same course at university. We're not friends, but we're friendly- have done a few group assignments together and sometimes talk to each other before class. I honestly have no idea how he feels about me- ...

A.   17 May 2013: It sounds like a good start. He's probably still wondering if your offer was a polite gesture, a commonplace offer from a casual friend, or something more significant - especially since you pulled back a little by telling him to decide the details. ... (read in full...)

If I want optimal results, should I be clean shave, have some stubble, or full beard?

Q.   I know looks are only part of what women want, and other factors for attraction come into play, like how active I am, how I take care of myself, etc. But, my question here is, what should I do, facial hair wise, to get some more potential suitor...

A.   17 May 2013: From your comment about "getting more potential suitors" I take it you are playing a game of numbers and running up the score. At this point in history, the cultural preference in North America is clean shaven. If you were interested in attracti... (read in full...)

What are your views on no sex before marriage?

Q.   I am Christian but nondenominational and I honestly can't decide whether I should wait till marriage and the most committed relationship possible to have sex or have fun, play the field and get experienced with boyfriends at college. I would love to ...

A.   15 May 2013: Even today the overwhelming majority of Christian denominations teach that sexual abstinence before marriage is God's requirement. The basis and support for that position goes back even before the appearance of the Christian church per se. In ... (read in full...)

I'm a virgin but he has quite a past, should I get out before getting too attached?

Q.   hey everyone, I'm a 24 year old virgin and the guy I'm dating has a pretty 'shady past' he has dated a lot of women probably slept with some of them!he has never been in love..we have not hd sex and he is ok with that,he said he will not force me...

A.   13 May 2013: How long have you two been together? You and your B/F obviously have different ideas about the value, significance, and meaning of your sexuality. At the very least, do some careful thinking. My advice is to proceed slowly - in this case, it ... (read in full...)

How do guys feel about direct approaches like the one I'm thinking about trying?

Q.   Hi. I currently go to college. In one of my classes, there's this really attractive guy who I keep checking out [I can't help myself] and he usually catches me looking, but I quickly look away and mentally nag myself that I should've kept ey...

A.   8 May 2013: As a general idea, I'd be ecstatic - and I think the majority of guys feel the same, especially if they fall in the upper half of the "shyness scale". The exception would be a very popular, "lady's man" type of guy who gets hit on rather ... (read in full...)

I'm confused about the ratings on Dear Cupid

Q.   confused about ratings? how many do u nd to get before theyy show up and is it 5 for high/good Q or A? plus is there any way of answering that is likelyy to be rated? I rate a lot but dont thinlk anyone has rated me :(...

A.   7 May 2013: If you click on the "Top Agony Aunts" topic in the second menu ribbon you may be able to see separate ratings for your comments from everybody, versus ratings given by the original poster. The list only includes the top 100 members, and there is an ... (read in full...)

I'm confused about the ratings on Dear Cupid

Q.   confused about ratings? how many do u nd to get before theyy show up and is it 5 for high/good Q or A? plus is there any way of answering that is likelyy to be rated? I rate a lot but dont thinlk anyone has rated me :(...

A.   7 May 2013: If you click on the "Top Agony Aunts" topic in the second menu ribbon you may be able to see separate ratings for your comments from everybody, versus ratings given by the original poster. The list only includes the top 100 members, and there is an ... (read in full...)

22 and never been in a relationship... What can I do to change that?

Q.   So I just turned 22 the other week and something came to my realization... I've never EVER been in an actual relationship with a guy. I've flirted, I've had a little fun (nothing leading to sex, I am still a virgin...) but have never had someone I ...

A.   24 April 2013: Being the "only" single in a "sea of couples" can be anything from discouraging to devastating. I was there! Just a few weeks short of 22, I was sitting in my college graduation. I watched many friends step up to receive diplomas. As the stepped ... (read in full...)

First time sex and a big member.

Q.   My boyfriend has an abnormally big dick and it is physically too big for me? -I've sat on it lubed up and it would take alot of force to make it go in, were both still virgins but feel ready, how do i go about making this as less painful as possible...

A.   15 April 2013: To answer the question directly, the procedure usually mentioned when either partner is a virgin - and especially if BOTH are - has been mentioned in quite a few old posts with the "virginity" tag. It is something like: - Spend some time, at leas... (read in full...)

What does it mean when you call your past partners"friends" instead of "exes"?

Q.   Would you refer to someone you dated years ago as a "friend" or an "ex girlfriend". My boyfriend always calls girls he went to school with "friends" even though I'm pretty sure they are girls that he dated. I'm not sure why he does that. He's very ...

A.   15 April 2013: To many people, perhaps the majority in our culture, the term "ex" is a pejorative associated with acrimony and hard feelings. In many cases that is the connotation somebody wants to communicate when referring to an "ex" but that's not always the ... (read in full...)

Guys: How would you react if a girl told you she was a virgin?

Q.   To cut to the chase: I'm a virgin at 25. And I feel ancient being one at this age. I'm not a christian, so I didn't save my self out of religious beliefs. I did hold on to that romantic notion that the first time should be with someone I love, but ...

A.   2 April 2013: First let me say that I'm proud of you and admire you for handling your difficult family situation. Your loyalty, faithfulness, commitment, and perseverance are awesome. Your parents have taught you well (probably by their own example) and I hope ... (read in full...)

Nothing below the belt - My belt not his!

Q.   I am a 28 year old female and I am a virgin (Vaginally and Anally), Although I have given a few (2 to count them) blowjobs I have never had the desire to have full intercourse and when the option has come up I would start to shake or even cry and ...

A.   27 March 2013: If you truly had a relationship for almost 8 years then you must have the mental, and character, qualities that make you attractive. I'll bet you are physically attractive as well. I won't even begin to speculate about why you are reluctant to ... (read in full...)

What is it going to be like when I have sex? Do men get more pleasure out of it than women?

Q.   i feel really strange asking this and a bit odd, but i dont know were else i can get the answers im looking for. so im 18 and ive never had sex. i do masterbate ( sorry if this is uncomfortable for you, you dont have to read all the way through)...

A.   22 March 2013: Take a good look at the reply from "chigirl". When you are really ready to have real sex, it will be different than what you feel now. That's because now you are concentrating almost exclusively on the physiological part of sex. Real sex has ... (read in full...)

"The one"???

Q.   How do you know if someone is "the One"? Just generally....

A.   22 March 2013: Several good responses here. Please take time to think about them. Building on what has been said, you may have found "the one" when you both decide to be "the one" for each other. Some factors that affect this decision include: - Attraction... (read in full...)

Are there guys that wait till marriage?

Q.   Are there virgin guys out there that want to wait till marriage with someone they really love? I feel very disappointed and alone when all I see is jerky guys and pregnant teens. People are so slutty and cold hearted these days. ...

A.   14 March 2013: I remember being almost 22 and sitting in my college graduation, watching many of my friends and acquaintances receive their diplomas. As some of the guys stepped down from the stage they were met by a wife or girlfriend (or both?) giving displays ... (read in full...)

Each of us is too shy to reveal our feelings, so how do I find out how he really feels?

Q.   I like a genuinely lovely guy ( before you ask, I know him well ) who is a bit shy and awkward about his feelings. According to his best friend, he knows that I like him, and his sister (one of my best friends) thinks he likes me. But because he is ...

A.   13 March 2013: Well, I'm probably one of those "quiet and shy" guys. I was a bit older than you - almost 22 - and hadn't dated except for a couple months back in High School. A much older (my parents' age) friend suggested that I should meet her niece. She ... (read in full...)

Have you ever regretted your first time?

Q.   Dear aunts and uncles. Have you ever regretted your 'first time'? I'm a 17, soon to be 18, year old dude that is thinking about losing his virginity. When I hit puberty i never virginity or sex in particular was ever going to be a concern...

A.   5 March 2013: No, I don't regret my first time at all! I was 23 - so was she - we were both virgins - and it happened on our wedding night. We gave ourselves to each other with the definite intention of being each others' life partner, and gave ourselves in a ... (read in full...)

Would you marry a guy who never went to college?

Q.   Currently less than 40% of men will graduate from college, that's 140 women with college degrees for ever 100 men with a degree. at best its expected to get worse, on top of that jobs traditionally held predominantly by men are evaporating at an ...

A.   5 March 2013: When you cite statistical data like that, it's good to know the source. A lot of it is skewed or oversimplified because somebody wants to "prove" a point. (Usually they want to sell you something.) Other responses here have made the point th... (read in full...)

He's ten years older , but says he's willing to wait until I'm ready to lose my virginity. What should I do?

Q.   I am 17 and still a virgin me and my boyfriend have been dating for three months. He is 27 and already he has a daughter. He says he will wait for me until I'm ready to lose my virginity with him. I'm quite ready,but since he is experienced im kin...

A.   28 February 2013: "anonymous female", I'm glad to hear your family is aware of your relationship. That's good. The responses have already told you the "bad" possibilities in your relationship. Did you read them? At best, he is looking for a live-in housekee... (read in full...)

He's ten years older , but says he's willing to wait until I'm ready to lose my virginity. What should I do?

Q.   I am 17 and still a virgin me and my boyfriend have been dating for three months. He is 27 and already he has a daughter. He says he will wait for me until I'm ready to lose my virginity with him. I'm quite ready,but since he is experienced im kin...

A.   27 February 2013: If this guy has maturity and integrity, he should be looking for somebody to be a wife and mother to his child. From your question I don't see any evidence that you are qualified or interested in filling those roles. If he is NOT looking for a wi... (read in full...)

What can I do to persuade my 21 year old daughter to put down the controller and pick up a boyfriend?

Q.   I'm concerned about my daughter's social life or rather lack thereof. She's 21 and all she wants to do when she's not at work is play video games. She's never had a boyfriend, is not interested and getting one and is still a virgin. Geez I was ...

A.   20 February 2013: In general I have to agree with the other replies. As a parent (and now grandparent 3 times over) I certainly KNOW that we want our young-adult children to go out into the world and be fulfilled and successful. At the same time we need to let our ... (read in full...)

My wife is 7 months pregnant. Is it normal for me to feel aroused around her?

Q.   I have been married to my wife for two years, now she is 7months pregnant,Is it normal for me to feel horny and aroused wheneva I look at her or touches her?...

A.   19 February 2013: Yes, very normal. At least for me - and my wife has been pregnant four times. (Though I find pregnant women in general rather attractive and sexually desirable - in spite of cultural conditioning to the contrary. Anybody who thinks "pregnant" is ... (read in full...)

Suggestions for activities that cost little to no money?

Q.   Any suggestions on fun activities that aren't so costly or cost no money at all? I want to show my boyfriend that we dont have to spend so much or no money at all to have fun. And how can i encourage him to do fun activities?...

A.   19 February 2013: Public parks, conservation areas, etc are always great for walks. It's not always necessary to have a destination or purpose - just being together, and keeping your eyes open to what's happening around you is fun. When we married I was a grad stu... (read in full...)

Will alcohol make you sick the first time you drink it even if it is just a small amount?

Q.   My new boyfriend wants to bring over some champagne or wine for our romantic Valentine's dinner at my house. The problem is I have never drank alcohol in my life, just was never interested or associated with people who drink. Of course I would l...

A.   13 February 2013: For the large majority of people their first drink of alcohol DOES NOT make them sick. Of course there are all kinds of allergies, intolerances, sensitivities, etc that different people have to various foods and food substances but I think those ... (read in full...)

What would be the negatives about having a first child when aged 35?

Q.   I am turning 21 this year and the thought of having children anytime soon within the next 5 years sounds really unappealing to me. A lot of my high school friends are getting married and having children already. I just want to be free and single a...

A.   11 February 2013: This is a medical question that you really need to ask a doctor about. There are implications for BOTH you (the mother) and your baby. Find a doctor who is aware of current research and findings on the subject because the known implications seem ... (read in full...)

Is it a waste of money to see an exhibition of my favorite band's pictures? Should I save my money to see them in concert?

Q.   I know this isn't much of a problem, but i would appreciate some advice. There will be an exhibition of photographs of my favourite band next month. I'm not sure if any of the band members will be at the opening night, but it's possible. One of them ...

A.   31 January 2013: Of course this is the fundamental question of personal decisions and economics: will I have more satisfaction after giving my limited resources of time and money, in exchange for this item or experience? If you have experience with visual arts you... (read in full...)

Is 22 too young for a man to really settle down? Do we know each other well enough to make this decision?

Q.   I am 21, I went to school with this guy, that we will call GUY. So..we have texted and talked via facebook/text for a while, off and on, but for these last few weeks we have talked heavily. All day everyday. We can't hang out at this moment ...

A.   29 January 2013: {Insert standard disclaimer here, about how it varies from one person to another, everybody is different, etc, etc, etc} There's obviously more to this question. What are your expectations for "being in love" or finding "the one"? Being in love ... (read in full...)

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