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*hiRaven agony aunt

*hiRaven

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*hiRaven's profile:

I'm a retired widower living in a university town in the American midwest. I spent most of my life in Chicago.

Although I live in a town dominated by a major university, I choose to teach part-time at a very small college about a half-hour drive from home. There I can make a difference in the lives of the small number of students (typically about 10 in a class) that I teach each semester.

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Will I be taken seriously in a business professional environment or in interviews because of my less-than ultra-femme appearance?

Q.   okay, this isn't actually a specific relationship question, so much as it's just a general question i really need advice about. it's something that is really stressing me a great deal. i am a 28-year-old college grad with great interpersonal re...

A.   2 October 2012: Breaking into the job market at this point, anywhere in the world, is not an easy matter. Just from your brief description I would say take a look at your hair. Does your hairstyle give you a less than professional appearance? You're not applying ... (read in full...)

Is it normal to not say "Yes" straight away to a propasal?

Q.   I have been dating a guy for some time, but we live on both parts of the world (Australia and America), I have plans to move up next year, get a job, place to live and work hard at it. I have asked him for marriage before, and he said yes but only...

A.   2 October 2012: His proposal deserves a definite answer, one way or another. How did you leave things with him when he asked? Did you say no, or maybe, or what? It makes a difference to how you get out of this communications block. I assume you still want to ... (read in full...)

What to do? My ex has a girlfriend yet he keeps texting me saying 'I miss having sex with you',

Q.   So I broke up with my ex nearly 6 months ago after a rocky 3 and a half years! We had been through a lot but it was constand arguing and sex, sometimes I was happy, but then our sex life turned really rubbish, and it was him basically saying '...

A.   2 October 2012: First, are you sure that your ex still has the same number? Did YOU change numbers? Maybe this really is all a mistake and you two don't even know one another except via these annoying texts. I mean, really never met. If it really is your ex,... (read in full...)

In a round about way b/f called me a whore. Am I wrong to be upset?

Q.   I basically want to check whether I'm over-reacting or not but this is what happened. I live with my boyfriend and sometimes, when I call him up from outside when he's at home, asking him what he's been doing, he often says he has some girl over and ...

A.   25 September 2012: Yes, you are. There need to be limits of what were allowable retorts (and other ways of dealing with one another had not been settled. You had conflicting ideas. I hope you two can clarify expectations. If you settle on rules that continue to ... (read in full...)

How can I be falling for someone 40 years older than me?

Q.   Is there something wrong with me? I am 21 and I believe I am falling for someone 40 years older than me! How is that possible? ...

A.   25 September 2012: Not that uncommon. I was on the other side of that equation about five years ago ... she was 21, I was 63. In fact I had blown her off when she came on to me in a social networking site three years before ... 18 vs. 60. I told her to come back ... (read in full...)

Does regular sex with a psuedo vagina have the same health benefits as any other form of sex? And is it OK to date while I am separated from my wife?

Q.   My wife has recently left me, so I have been using a fake vagina for release. I was wondering if having sex with a psuedo vagina has the same health benefits as having sex with a real person? Also I was wondering if it is acceptable to have sex with...

A.   18 September 2012: The physical benefits from such activity, I understand, are not QUITE up to that which most people derive from having sex. For one thing, the physical exertion (which, to a point, plays a positive part in your stimulation) level is lower. But more ... (read in full...)

Now I am at University how do I make new friends? And how do I cope with lonliness at being so far from everyone I know?

Q.   So today was my first day of University and second night staying in student accommodation. I've had a really tough year and finally got out of my depression in time for Uni but now I feel like I am slowly sinking back there. I have never felt so ...

A.   18 September 2012: "... no one seems to want to know ..." WHAT exactly? Take a look at what you are presenting to these new potential friends. Nobody really likes to be around someone whose conversation is loaded with negativity. If you strive, when in a ... (read in full...)

Am I superficial for caring so much about a guy's appearance?

Q.   Hi please don't take me as a negative superficial person,and don't judge,just help me through this.. I have been into fashion,beauty all that since as long as I can remember..so when I see a man not dressed up well for me its a HUGE turn off!!I l...

A.   18 August 2012: You have to go with your heart on this, I'm afraid. You will, as you said, be missing out on any number of really great guys; but that doesn't help much if you are miserable about this one superficial thing. By a lot of standards if it IS very ... (read in full...)

I've finished it with my first ever boyfriend after he cheated on me, Did I do the right thing?

Q.   I was with my first ever boyfriend, and the person who i lost my virginity too for six months and it all ended today. Even though i'm being strong and trying my best to convince myself i deserve better i just want someones else opinion ...

A.   17 August 2012: What do your head and your heart tell you about this? My guess is that in your core you are pretty much OK with leaving him. If you are having such problems with him, chances are you would be better off alone. And that will always give you the ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend had an affair with a married man, before I met her, and I'm jealous.

Q.   My girlfriend of 1 yr now who is 11yrs my junior had an affair with a married man when she was still married few yrs back. Her then husband was a womanizer and thats when she git involved with this sweet talking guy who happens to be her ex ...

A.   17 August 2012: Let the past bury its dead. This is something that is not really terribly relevant nor helpful for your relationship TODAY. learn to live in the present, and appreciate your girl for HERSELF NOW, not for who she was before you met her. It takes ... (read in full...)

How do I tell people these things? Without feeling embarrassed or stupid about it?

Q.   I was talking with my friend the other day and she asked me "what's the thing you've done in life that you're ashamed of and wish you had never done?" I said i don't know because i hate telling people the real answer. The truth is, the thing i'...

A.   17 August 2012: This is strictly PRIVATE information. No one has the right to demand (or even ask) it of you. If you must go out on that limb, find the SECOND worst thing you've ever done (or the one highest on the list that you are willing to share) and use ... (read in full...)

Is there a possible future for us, to be together, or is it just wishful dreaming on my part?

Q.   I like this guy very much, we're not dating, but have a good friendship; email very often, occasionally meet up for lunch during working hours, have chats at his home in the evening… we have similar interests, worldview, both academics. The backg...

A.   15 August 2012: Whatever you do, DON'T let the age difference get to you! I recently dated a woman half my age (68 to her 34) for about 10 months. It was generally good, but I called it off for reasons that had nothing to do with the age difference. Interests ... (read in full...)

Without advertising how can my wife and I find another couple who might like to play? But not full sex.

Q.   My wife and I would like to experiment playing with another couple. Not ready for full blown sex, nor oral sex even. We have also talked about MFF like this, or her doing stuff w another guy, but again no penetration or oral. There is no way we w...

A.   15 August 2012: What you are talking about is polyamory. There are numerous support groups all over the country that can help you figure out how it all works, and help you get started. Try that topic on meetup.com for a start. Frankly, you will not have an ... (read in full...)

Without advertising how can my wife and I find another couple who might like to play? But not full sex.

Q.   My wife and I would like to experiment playing with another couple. Not ready for full blown sex, nor oral sex even. We have also talked about MFF like this, or her doing stuff w another guy, but again no penetration or oral. There is no way we w...

A.   15 August 2012: What you are talking about is polyamory. There are numerous support groups all over the country that can help you figure out how it all works, and help you get started. Try that topic on meetup.com for a start. Frankly, you will not have an ... (read in full...)

Is he shying away? Or does he really not want to hookup again?

Q.   I started hooking up with this guy a little over a month ago. We were hanging out like 3 times a week then about a week ago we were together and he admitted that he liked me more than a friends with benefits. After that he didn't talk to me for a...

A.   15 August 2012: Key fact missing here is the guy's age and level of maturity. If he is (or acts) the same age as you, there is a good possibility that he really has no idea just how to carry on from here. Having disclosed his feelings toward you may have taken ... (read in full...)

I drunk texted my friend. Now what do I do?

Q.   Hey guys! So I was drunk last night and decided to text my ex best friend, who hates me because his crazy (ex) girlfriend told EVERYONE I know that I said " He threatened to kill me with a baseball bat then throw me out on the streets"... I swear I ...

A.   14 August 2012: "Goodbye" is a good start. I hate to sound critical, but you apparently have a problem controlling either your drinking or your actions when drunk. This does NOT make for a happy relationship. Concentrate on getting your own act together. Then ... (read in full...)

I'm feeling uncomfortable with my boyfriend's reaction to what I wear.

Q.   Hi guys So I'm feeling uncomfortable with my boyfriend's reaction to what I wear. I am a doctor and at work I wear scrubs. He came to see me at work the other day and then said he could see my bra (the strap was showing so I pulled my top back ...

A.   14 August 2012: Possessive. NOT a good trait. And critical of you, too. This guy really is NOT a "keeper". Just walk.... (read in full...)

There's this guy. And he's cheating on his girlfriend.. with me!

Q.   There's this guy. And he's cheating on his girlfriend.. with me. I'm the other girl. I honestly love him and think he's the one. However, he told me he's thinking of breaking up with his girlfriend to be with me, but he hasn't yet. and...

A.   14 August 2012: Hang it up. That line is TOO OLD, and 99% of the time it's just a line. Nothing real behind it. If he really means it, wait until he has broken off with his current g/f before you take this any further, and tell him that he is going to have to ... (read in full...)

Is hubby into a threesome for us or for him?

Q.   Ok so I have been with my husband 6 yrs and loving it. Well our love got a lil boring and we spiced it a lil which worked btw. We had a lil fun with another couple and I think were both ready to just do it with a. Single girl (threesome). I like her ...

A.   14 August 2012: With all due respect, my fellow advice-givers apparently have not had much experience with real polyamory. Before you play like this, you may want to get acquainted with the basics of being poly. There are almost 200 support groups groups in the ... (read in full...)

When I think about having feelings for others I just feel numb. How can I overcome this situation?

Q.   Hi I find it very hard to have feelings for someone I just feel completely numb like I have no feelings at all its down to being treated so bad by my ex boyfriends I think I did meet someone nearly two years ago who only wanted a fwb but I star...

A.   14 August 2012: First thing to ask yourself is how you FEEL about the men from these prior bad relationships. If you are still hanging on to the memory of a past love, even if he turned out to be abusive, it will interfere with your relationships until it's laid ... (read in full...)

Does her sexual past matter? Would I prefer this new friend over my GF just because of my Gf's sexual past?

Q.   I have never been the jealous type and I am not sure I would define what I feel as jealousy. My new girlfriend sexual past is really affecting me. I have had quite a few girlfriends in my life and never felt anything like this before. Not even c...

A.   14 August 2012: Based on my experience, the past matters very little. It's what the two people ARE in a relationship that matters. Unless you suspect that she is likely to carry this behavior forward into the future, it's best left in the past. Your g/f was ... (read in full...)

Should I tell her i'll still be her friend or should I tell her I want nothing to do with her?

Q.   Very serious question.  When I was dumped, I had a difficult time on focusing on my school work. Not only that, but, I was so hurt, I : nearly flunked a VERY important test (I didn't finish it. But, I had a second chance, and passed the test....

A.   14 August 2012: From the way you outline the situation, it seems to me that you NEED a clean break from this woman. You will eventually be vey glad that you did not lash out, but neither would it be good to remain either in limbo or in this person's life. One of ... (read in full...)

Ever since the split My anxiety has went up! Will I ever learn to calm down and move on?

Q.   I was with my boyfriend for 6 years, I loved him very much but we have now been split for 4 months now, I feel like my life is crashing down, although the split was both what we wanted and I wouldn't go back I'm still finding it hard. I seem to be ...

A.   14 August 2012: I suspect that you are still harboring strong feelings for your ex, and it is messing with your head and your life. When I was in a similar situation, still very much attached to a woman who had left me, I tried the techniques outlined in a book ... (read in full...)

Preferably guys' opinions- Friendship between guys and girls, What do you think?

Q.   I know a lot of experts on dearcupid.org think men normally don't befriend girls unless they want something more from the girls - either sex or romance. So what do you guys think about this?Do you agree that a lot of the time, guys and girls b...

A.   14 August 2012: I have two friendships with women that I have had since 1967-68. Neither were ever lovers. We are just good friends. They are 250 miles away, so I don't see them all that often, but we have a good time when we do. Neither friendship was ever ... (read in full...)

What do people think of the 'Rubber Band Theory'?

Q.   This is for both for both guys and girls. Be good to hear both points of view. Do you believe in the Rubber Band Theory that men need to pull back after intimacy? How do guys feel during this period of needing Space? ...

A.   17 June 2010: I don't think it's totally nor universally a male thing. If I have a sufficient commitment to the woman in question, I'm not likely to withdraw either physically or emotionally after sex. And I've had partners who seemed to need "space" ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend was molested, when she was younger, she get nervous, when I touch her intimately, is there any way I can help her be less nervous, and enjoy our encounters?

Q.   I've been dating this girl for quite a while. We're really close and even talking about getting married once we graduate college. I've been touching and sucking her breast for a while now and she always really enjoys that but I've just started ...

A.   15 September 2008: Take it easy, guy. Your relationship with this girl means a LOT more than just the great times with sex. She needs to back off for a little while now, if only to square things with her parents. Respect that. If you really love her, stick with ... (read in full...)

How can I deal with my lonely long distance boyfriend??

Q.   Hi Everyone, Need good advices from you all beautiful people here. My long distance bf and I were 2 yrs now and yet am still dealing when he gets lonely. Though we haven't met yet but planning before end of this year. Were both busy with our caree...

A.   14 September 2008: He wants "normal" to mean "with him". He's feeling a terrible emptiness because of your separation, and there is nothing else that's going to fill this need except contact with you. I do hope that the two of you have some sort of a plan to ... (read in full...)

Are these the real red flags that he is going to cheat?

Q.   Okay - same old sad story - but here it goes. My husband and I have been together for 21 years. We were high school sweethearts. We have good morals, but we aren't prudes if you know what I mean. We have two daughters and I work from home most of ...

A.   14 September 2008: One word of warning about the phone thing. I don't know how things are now with the company where your husband works, but when I was still working in a corporate environment 15 years ago records for company paid telephones went ONLY to the ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend was molested, when she was younger, she get nervous, when I touch her intimately, is there any way I can help her be less nervous, and enjoy our encounters?

Q.   I've been dating this girl for quite a while. We're really close and even talking about getting married once we graduate college. I've been touching and sucking her breast for a while now and she always really enjoys that but I've just started ...

A.   7 September 2008: Great job, guy. Keep up the good gentle work. You seem to be giving her just what she needs.... (read in full...)

I don't want to feel ugly every time I run into porn, any practical solutions for me?

Q.   I hate porn. Or the entire sex industry really. And I'm not gonna lie and be all "it's degrading to women". No, I hate it because the women are so perfect. They all have big tits and tiny waists, with a round butt. They have gorgeous faces (ok, some ...

A.   6 September 2008: They have big tits and tiny waists and air brushes and good camera angles and multiple takes and all the other tricks of the trade that make everything look just perfect. Dear lady, porn is FANTASY! It has nothing to do with reality. Any r... (read in full...)

One woman likes the idea of a relationship of three, the other wants a monogamous deal with maybe the occasional fun. Who do I pick?

Q.   I have a problem that i was hoping you could help me with. I am a man of 20 who has had a girlfriend 'Hannah' for the last 4 months. We agreed in the beginning that it was an open relationship and we have both dated other people throughout the ...

A.   6 September 2008: We should all have such decisions! Seriously, you are facing a tough choice here. The answer, of course, depends on what you see as your long term goals. If you see either of these women as a prospective long-term partner, then you have to ask y... (read in full...)

For the last two weeks or my brother's behaviour's become a bit weird, he fears ghosts, etc.

Q.   I'm 24, and my younger brother's 19. For the last two weeks or so his behaviour's become a bit weird, far more than the usual teenage behaviour. He's began speaking in rhyme, only wanting to eat breakfast cereal for every meal, and claiming tha...

A.   6 September 2008: Try to get him to see a counselor. This is beyond the limits of a problem that a friend or family member can deal with unassisted, and it's beginning to affect his health. Let him know that a counselor can help him deal with these ghosts i... (read in full...)

What are my chances of being pregnant?

Q.   I had sex 23 days after the first day of my last period, what are the chances of been pregnant?...

A.   5 September 2008: The exact odds depend on the regularity and length of your period and several other variables. But you don't want a statistical answer. Take a pregnancy test as soon as you can, and get a REAL answer. Then take it from there.... (read in full...)

I feel he wants something different but knows he can't have it so he settles with me. Why? Because of his porn-watching...

Q.   I recently caught my husband masturbating to porn....since then I simply cannot bring myself to want to be intimate with him...I feel undesirable and cant help but notice all of the women looked about 15-20yrs younger than me (im in my 40s) and none ...

A.   5 September 2008: OK, one more time. Porn is FANTASY. It has nothing to do with your husband's love for you, or how much he wants you. Just because you dream that it might be nice to win a lottery or a sweepstakes and never have to work again, and you think ab... (read in full...)

I like kinky sex but my boyfriend doesn't want to play.

Q.   This is not the first time Ive had this issue. This is just the first important relationship Ive had it in. Im kinky. Im the type of kinky that you see in porn. I love to be held down, spanked, forced to do whatever my partner desires. Being h...

A.   5 September 2008: Your essential sexual identity is bound up in your position as a submissive, to a rather significant extent. Frankly, I'm afraid that you are not going to be happy in the long run with a "vanilla" husband any more than a lesbian would with a man. ... (read in full...)

I have had to fake before...can someone help me so I can stop?

Q.   I have been with my partner for 3 years, and he recently proposed. The thing is, for those 3 (sexually active) years i have, quite a lot of the time, faked orgasms. The only way i can seem to orgasm is if my c*** is rubbing against him, like on top ...

A.   5 September 2008: You need to establish better communication with your guy about sex. Tell him what you need, and he'll almost certainly be glad to give it to you. Frankly, not a lot women who are just starting out sexually orgasm strictly from vaginal penetrat... (read in full...)

I can't afford to move out of my parents' house (which is terrible) for now, I'm worried she will dislike this.

Q.   I'm not sure but i'm thinking me and this girl are getting along, but i feel worried because my parents house is terrible. They really don't care about the state of the place and it is trully awful! obviously i love them but i don't know what this ...

A.   4 September 2008: There's an old technique in marketing called "pre-selling the objections". In this case it involves giving your girlfriend plenty of warning about the state of your parents' house, and making sure that she knows that you are very uncomfortable ... (read in full...)

I don't know what to do about my online relationship...

Q.   hi, i met this girl on an online game and we decided to chat on msn, then we really liked eachother and we are now in a relationship but i feel bad about it because we have never met and she lives really far away, i dont no what to do...

A.   4 September 2008: Sorry to disagree, Dr. V., but my lady and I have had a great thing going for about a year now and it shows very little sign of slacking off over any issues of distance. It's 359 miles from my door to hers (if you count one stop for gasoline ... (read in full...)

Is it normal to not get orgasms during sex?

Q.   Hi! I am 19 years old and since i was 16 i am having sex. I have experienced a lot of sex and generally i think i am good at it. My only problem is that i cant come. The only way i come in sex and i really mean the ONLY way is when me or the other ...

A.   4 September 2008: Good communication is the key to good sex. Be honest with your guy about what turns you on. Tell him frankly what you need, and he'll give it freely. Get him in the habit of getting you to climax. Even help him along if you have to. But by all ... (read in full...)

The woman he cheated on me with got pregnant but we're not sure that they are his!

Q.   Well my story started inJan. 2008 when my husband told me he had cheated on me once in Dec 15th 2007.. I was just devasted. I have been with him for 9 yrs. we have a 7 yr old son together and i just love my family so much.. Well, he said he only ...

A.   4 September 2008: I suspect this is one of those situations that illustrates why lawyer's wives wear mink coats. If I were in that situation, I'd talk to my attorney and find out just where I stand legally in my own state (and presumably the "other woman's") with ... (read in full...)

I don't know what to do about my online relationship...

Q.   hi, i met this girl on an online game and we decided to chat on msn, then we really liked eachother and we are now in a relationship but i feel bad about it because we have never met and she lives really far away, i dont no what to do...

A.   4 September 2008: Every relationship needs some "together time" to keep it moving. It doesn't have to be much ... computer contact (especially video phone calls via Skype or one of the other free services) can do a lot to fill in. But you do need some time ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend was molested, when she was younger, she get nervous, when I touch her intimately, is there any way I can help her be less nervous, and enjoy our encounters?

Q.   I've been dating this girl for quite a while. We're really close and even talking about getting married once we graduate college. I've been touching and sucking her breast for a while now and she always really enjoys that but I've just started ...

A.   31 August 2008: But please try to talk her into getting professional help. She's only storing up trouble for the future. I spent 15 years as a volunteer working with professionals at a mental health center, and I asked the professional staff once what proportion ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend was molested, when she was younger, she get nervous, when I touch her intimately, is there any way I can help her be less nervous, and enjoy our encounters?

Q.   I've been dating this girl for quite a while. We're really close and even talking about getting married once we graduate college. I've been touching and sucking her breast for a while now and she always really enjoys that but I've just started ...

A.   31 August 2008: If she has not already gone through serious professional counseling to help her deal with her trauma, she should do so. Such experiences leave permanent scars, and really do require lots of professional help to get past and make a readjustment. If ... (read in full...)

Are these the real red flags that he is going to cheat?

Q.   Okay - same old sad story - but here it goes. My husband and I have been together for 21 years. We were high school sweethearts. We have good morals, but we aren't prudes if you know what I mean. We have two daughters and I work from home most of ...

A.   30 August 2008: By all means go ahead with the counseling. It's a great way for the two of you to learn new ways of open communications and learn to deal with these sorts of problems before they build up into serious troubles for your marriage. Communication is ... (read in full...)

Are these the real red flags that he is going to cheat?

Q.   Okay - same old sad story - but here it goes. My husband and I have been together for 21 years. We were high school sweethearts. We have good morals, but we aren't prudes if you know what I mean. We have two daughters and I work from home most of ...

A.   20 August 2008: First big question: other than feel really terrible, what are you going to do differently if you find out that he IS involved with this woman than you're doing now? Would you consider leaving him? Confront him with ultimatums? Throw a fit? ... (read in full...)

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