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... Send ChiRaven a private message | | | ChiRaven's profile:I'm a retired widower living in a university town in the American midwest. I spent most of my life in Chicago.
Although I live in a town dominated by a major university, I choose to teach part-time at a very small college about a half-hour drive from home. There I can make a difference in the lives of the small number of students (typically about 10 in a class) that I teach each semester. |
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My girlfriend was molested, when she was younger, she get nervous, when I touch her intimately, is there any way I can help her be less nervous, and enjoy our encounters?
Q. I've been dating this girl for quite a while. We're really close and even talking about getting married once we graduate college. I've been touching and sucking her breast for a while now and she always really enjoys that but I've just started ...
A. 15 September 2008: Take it easy, guy. Your relationship with this girl means a LOT more than just the great times with sex. She needs to back off for a little while now, if only to square things with her parents. Respect that. If you really love her, stick with ... (read in full...)
How can I deal with my lonely long distance boyfriend??
Q. Hi Everyone, Need good advices from you all beautiful people here. My long distance bf and I were 2 yrs now and yet am still dealing when he gets lonely. Though we haven't met yet but planning before end of this year. Were both busy with our caree...
A. 14 September 2008: He wants "normal" to mean "with him". He's feeling a terrible emptiness because of your separation, and there is nothing else that's going to fill this need except contact with you.
I do hope that the two of you have some sort of a plan to ... (read in full...)
Are these the real red flags that he is going to cheat?
Q. Okay - same old sad story - but here it goes. My husband and I have been together for 21 years. We were high school sweethearts. We have good morals, but we aren't prudes if you know what I mean. We have two daughters and I work from home most of ...
A. 14 September 2008: One word of warning about the phone thing. I don't know how things are now with the company where your husband works, but when I was still working in a corporate environment 15 years ago records for company paid telephones went ONLY to the ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend was molested, when she was younger, she get nervous, when I touch her intimately, is there any way I can help her be less nervous, and enjoy our encounters?
Q. I've been dating this girl for quite a while. We're really close and even talking about getting married once we graduate college. I've been touching and sucking her breast for a while now and she always really enjoys that but I've just started ...
A. 7 September 2008: Great job, guy. Keep up the good gentle work. You seem to be giving her just what she needs.... (read in full...)
I don't want to feel ugly every time I run into porn, any practical solutions for me?
Q. I hate porn. Or the entire sex industry really. And I'm not gonna lie and be all "it's degrading to women". No, I hate it because the women are so perfect. They all have big tits and tiny waists, with a round butt. They have gorgeous faces (ok, some ...
A. 6 September 2008: They have big tits and tiny waists and air brushes and good camera angles and multiple takes and all the other tricks of the trade that make everything look just perfect. Dear lady, porn is FANTASY! It has nothing to do with reality.
Any r... (read in full...)
One woman likes the idea of a relationship of three, the other wants a monogamous deal with maybe the occasional fun. Who do I pick?
Q. I have a problem that i was hoping you could help me with. I am a man of 20 who has had a girlfriend 'Hannah' for the last 4 months. We agreed in the beginning that it was an open relationship and we have both dated other people throughout the ...
A. 6 September 2008: We should all have such decisions!
Seriously, you are facing a tough choice here. The answer, of course, depends on what you see as your long term goals. If you see either of these women as a prospective long-term partner, then you have to ask y... (read in full...)
For the last two weeks or my brother's behaviour's become a bit weird, he fears ghosts, etc.
Q. I'm 24, and my younger brother's 19. For the last two weeks or so his behaviour's become a bit weird, far more than the usual teenage behaviour. He's began speaking in rhyme, only wanting to eat breakfast cereal for every meal, and claiming tha...
A. 6 September 2008: Try to get him to see a counselor. This is beyond the limits of a problem that a friend or family member can deal with unassisted, and it's beginning to affect his health.
Let him know that a counselor can help him deal with these ghosts i... (read in full...)
What are my chances of being pregnant?
Q. I had sex 23 days after the first day of my last period, what are the chances of been pregnant?...
A. 5 September 2008: The exact odds depend on the regularity and length of your period and several other variables.
But you don't want a statistical answer.
Take a pregnancy test as soon as you can, and get a REAL answer. Then take it from there.... (read in full...)
Sad because my boyfriend answered my call in front of the receptionist at work?
Q. I've just called my bf at work cause i was missing him so much and all he could do was to ask who is calling him and told the receptionist to tell me to call me on the other number,my point is what was wrong if he answered it in front of that ...
A. 5 September 2008: In many companies there are formal rules against engaging in personal business and personal conversations during work time. Although these are often ignored, by catching him when he was in the presence of the receptionist he may have been more or ... (read in full...)
I feel he wants something different but knows he can't have it so he settles with me. Why? Because of his porn-watching...
Q. I recently caught my husband masturbating to porn....since then I simply cannot bring myself to want to be intimate with him...I feel undesirable and cant help but notice all of the women looked about 15-20yrs younger than me (im in my 40s) and none ...
A. 5 September 2008: OK, one more time. Porn is FANTASY. It has nothing to do with your husband's love for you, or how much he wants you.
Just because you dream that it might be nice to win a lottery or a sweepstakes and never have to work again, and you think ab... (read in full...)
I like kinky sex but my boyfriend doesn't want to play.
Q. This is not the first time Ive had this issue. This is just the first important relationship Ive had it in. Im kinky. Im the type of kinky that you see in porn. I love to be held down, spanked, forced to do whatever my partner desires. Being h...
A. 5 September 2008: Your essential sexual identity is bound up in your position as a submissive, to a rather significant extent. Frankly, I'm afraid that you are not going to be happy in the long run with a "vanilla" husband any more than a lesbian would with a man. ... (read in full...)
I have had to fake before...can someone help me so I can stop?
Q. I have been with my partner for 3 years, and he recently proposed. The thing is, for those 3 (sexually active) years i have, quite a lot of the time, faked orgasms. The only way i can seem to orgasm is if my c*** is rubbing against him, like on top ...
A. 5 September 2008: You need to establish better communication with your guy about sex. Tell him what you need, and he'll almost certainly be glad to give it to you.
Frankly, not a lot women who are just starting out sexually orgasm strictly from vaginal penetrat... (read in full...)
I can't afford to move out of my parents' house (which is terrible) for now, I'm worried she will dislike this.
Q. I'm not sure but i'm thinking me and this girl are getting along, but i feel worried because my parents house is terrible. They really don't care about the state of the place and it is trully awful! obviously i love them but i don't know what this ...
A. 4 September 2008: There's an old technique in marketing called "pre-selling the objections". In this case it involves giving your girlfriend plenty of warning about the state of your parents' house, and making sure that she knows that you are very uncomfortable ... (read in full...)
I don't know what to do about my online relationship...
Q. hi, i met this girl on an online game and we decided to chat on msn, then we really liked eachother and we are now in a relationship but i feel bad about it because we have never met and she lives really far away, i dont no what to do...
A. 4 September 2008: Sorry to disagree, Dr. V., but my lady and I have had a great thing going for about a year now and it shows very little sign of slacking off over any issues of distance. It's 359 miles from my door to hers (if you count one stop for gasoline ... (read in full...)
Is it normal to not get orgasms during sex?
Q. Hi! I am 19 years old and since i was 16 i am having sex. I have experienced a lot of sex and generally i think i am good at it. My only problem is that i cant come. The only way i come in sex and i really mean the ONLY way is when me or the other ...
A. 4 September 2008: Good communication is the key to good sex. Be honest with your guy about what turns you on. Tell him frankly what you need, and he'll give it freely. Get him in the habit of getting you to climax. Even help him along if you have to. But by all ... (read in full...)
The woman he cheated on me with got pregnant but we're not sure that they are his!
Q. Well my story started inJan. 2008 when my husband told me he had cheated on me once in Dec 15th 2007.. I was just devasted. I have been with him for 9 yrs. we have a 7 yr old son together and i just love my family so much.. Well, he said he only ...
A. 4 September 2008: I suspect this is one of those situations that illustrates why lawyer's wives wear mink coats. If I were in that situation, I'd talk to my attorney and find out just where I stand legally in my own state (and presumably the "other woman's") with ... (read in full...)
I don't know what to do about my online relationship...
Q. hi, i met this girl on an online game and we decided to chat on msn, then we really liked eachother and we are now in a relationship but i feel bad about it because we have never met and she lives really far away, i dont no what to do...
A. 4 September 2008: Every relationship needs some "together time" to keep it moving. It doesn't have to be much ... computer contact (especially video phone calls via Skype or one of the other free services) can do a lot to fill in. But you do need some time ... (read in full...)
Is Sarah Palin a suitable candidate for VP?
Q. [Part of a DearCupid series on the forthcoming Nov 08 presidential election] Sarah Palin, John McCain's choice for vice-president, is a strict anti-abortionist, pro-guns and against sex-education. Her 17 year old daughter is now pregnant. ...
A. 2 September 2008: Actually, she isn't telling anybody their kids can't have sex education. She is saying that it's time that the PARENTS stood up and took the responsibility for giving their children the proper education in that vital part of their lives. So that ... (read in full...)
I'm sexually attracted to my female cousin but she's afraid of any physical contact!
Q. I am Sexually attracted to my female cousin who Lives with me she's 21 and i am 29 i want do something to her when she comes into my room and sits on my bed and talks to me but I Love her but when we try to do something she gets Scared and runs off ...
A. 1 September 2008: It seems likely that at this point she just isn't interested in what you're interested in. You seem to have made your intentions clear enough to her. You're pretty sure she knows what you have in mind, aren't you? Once you've made that clear (and ... (read in full...)
I'm so sick of being single! What can I do to change this?
Q. Haven't had a girlfriend since March, been looking since with no luck. Also, i'm not used to this, before then i was basically never single for 2 or 3 years. It's been so long now and i don't really have any confidence anymore, i haven't got any ...
A. 1 September 2008: At your age a six month drought seems disastrous but is not really all that uncommon. You've apparently burned through the reservoir of your immediate circle of girls that you know well. So it's time that you got out and met some new people.
... (read in full...)
Why can't I find anyone?!
Q. I'm not sure what to do, I just can't find anyone! Its been about 3 years since I've had a relationship, in the time between I've filled that void of my life with work and study. Now I just feel empty and lonesome, its not even so much a sexual ...
A. 1 September 2008: You're at a point in your life when all the cards belong to the other side in the game. Women pretty much rule the dating scene in your age bracket (it changes when you get to be about 50, but that's not going to help you very much).
First... (read in full...)
My boyfriend's parents don't want us to date!
Q. Me and my boyfriend recently got back together for the 4th time but problem his family doesn't want us to date. they say i treat him like crap and im not mature. i really want to be with me him cause i know for a fact i love him but he texted me ...
A. 1 September 2008: At your age family pressure can be a real problem. I lost the first great love of my life at 15 because my parents and teachers at school were determined to break the two of us up.
You really don't have much of an option about whether or not y... (read in full...)
What do you think about the websites where you meet people that you knew in high school?
Q. I know that chatrooms and social networking sites can be dangerous places to meet people off, but is it wrong to use a social networking site as a type of "FriendsReunited"-type website and meet people you used to know in high ...
A. 31 August 2008: I used such a site to find out about my high school class reunions, and went there and had a great time talking to people I hadn't seen in 40 or 45 years. It's amazing how much we'd all changed.
These sites are particularly useful for people w... (read in full...)
My father is molesting me and my mother has cancer. What can I do?
Q. It was a few days ago when my mom took me my dads house for the first time after they were divorced. She had to work late that night so i had to stay there until the next day and my dad came in to my room n started talking because he wanted to catch ...
A. 31 August 2008: You need to talk to somebody right away. You are being abused, and this has to stop. If you can't talk to your mother about it, there is undoubtedly a counselor at your school who you can go to. Such people are there to help you through ... (read in full...)
Because of the rape, it hurts to have sex with my boyfriend and it hurts us both! What should I do?
Q. Other than being sexually assaulted I've only had one sexual experience and when it happened it still felt like i was being raped. I'm not sure if it was him, me, or just the fact that i had been raped before, but i hated it it felt like he was ...
A. 31 August 2008: First things first. If you have not been to some sort of counseling program about your experience, GO NOW! This is something that will leave permanent scars on your life regardless of what you do, but you can make them manageable if you seek ... (read in full...)
I'm planning on making some drastic physical changes, will people support me?
Q. i know this isnt a relationship, dating, love or sex question but i find this the best site for any kind of advice. basically, im planning on going for some drastic physical changes - getting my hair cut short and getting my tongue pierced....
A. 31 August 2008: You don't seem to be doing anything that is 100% irreversible, so why not go for it? You probably should talk these things over first with the people in your life whose opinions you respect. I think that it would put a real strain on your ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend was molested, when she was younger, she get nervous, when I touch her intimately, is there any way I can help her be less nervous, and enjoy our encounters?
Q. I've been dating this girl for quite a while. We're really close and even talking about getting married once we graduate college. I've been touching and sucking her breast for a while now and she always really enjoys that but I've just started ...
A. 31 August 2008: But please try to talk her into getting professional help. She's only storing up trouble for the future. I spent 15 years as a volunteer working with professionals at a mental health center, and I asked the professional staff once what proportion ... (read in full...)
We had rough sex, and I was hurt a bit, but not so bad, my boyfriend feels terrible, how can I convince him it wasn't that bad?
Q. Several days ago, i had sex with my boyfriend. He went very rough. I told him it hurt, surprizingly it did. He pulled out, we had notice i bled a bit. He thinks im still in pain, and still bleeding but im not. Vincent wont believe that im fine, he ...
A. 31 August 2008: OK, so he wants to play knight in shining armor and protect his lady from harm. Pain in the butt, ain't it?
I think about the best you're going to do is just lay it on the line with him. Sort of grab him by the ears and tell him look, I wanted w... (read in full...)
My boyfriend and I would like some ideas on different positions to have sex, what do you suggest?
Q. whats your fave sex potision? and what are they like? me and my boyfriend are experimentin lol, were been safe dont worry but need some idead :D thanks!...
A. 31 August 2008: Explore! Experiment! Try just anything that comes to mind. You're young enough that you could do it swinging from the chandeliers if they are strong enough to hold you up.
For a whole raft of good ideas, try the Wikipedia. There's a great se... (read in full...)
My girlfriend was molested, when she was younger, she get nervous, when I touch her intimately, is there any way I can help her be less nervous, and enjoy our encounters?
Q. I've been dating this girl for quite a while. We're really close and even talking about getting married once we graduate college. I've been touching and sucking her breast for a while now and she always really enjoys that but I've just started ...
A. 31 August 2008: If she has not already gone through serious professional counseling to help her deal with her trauma, she should do so. Such experiences leave permanent scars, and really do require lots of professional help to get past and make a readjustment. If ... (read in full...)
My cousin and I had casual sex a lot when we were younger. What does this mean now?
Q. Hi, I have a problem that I want to try and sort out... Me and My Cousin moved away from each other about 9yrs ago...she was about 20 then and I was 13, Now when were younger...we had casual sex alot..we didn't plan it to be like this..but It ...
A. 31 August 2008: Obviously the relationship with your cousin at 13 was quite improper, but that's water over the dam at this point, and there's no use dredging it up except as it relates to what's going on with either or both of you now.
If I understand this cor... (read in full...)
He said that flirting "and the like" are not cheating, as long as we don't tell other people we love them. What kind of rule is this? How can I talk to him?
Q. Hello, im not sure about my boyfriends behavior recently. We play this online game together, and its pretty much the only time we spend together as we are in a long distance relationship and he is unable to come and visit me for a few months due to ...
A. 31 August 2008: How do you talk to him? Well, you need to establish the ground rules for your relationship that include a way for the two of you to talk in a "safe" way to one another. Any relationship depends on open and honest communication. If you are not ... (read in full...)
What are some household items I can use as lube? I don't want to go to a sex shop.
Q. What are some everyday things that can be found in a house that can be used as lube and dildo.I don't have the courage to go in to a sex shop.I'm a guy so it would look weird,btw I live in an apartment so I can't really hide it from my parents.I ...
A. 30 August 2008: Any grocery store pharmacy will sell KY, which is probably the most widely used water-based lube. It's also available at the Wal-Mart and Sam's Club stores' pharmacy sections, at least the ones I've been in.
If you can't find it, petroleu... (read in full...)
Why all this HATE towards me and show of temper?
Q. I met a guy a few months ago whilst on vacation and became friends-he wanted more but I held back because he was quite good at telling everyone in the hotel things and I did not want that spread around. he also got very angry in front of everyone ...
A. 30 August 2008: Sounds to me like he's a guy who REALLY doesn't like taking"no" for an answer. You hit him where he lives when you found him resistible, and he's not going to let you forget it.
At this point I don't think that a normal relationship would be... (read in full...)
Was she lying about him molesting her or was she just cheating on me?
Q. I would like to find out what you would do my girlfriend called me up 1 day saying a guy(her friend) tried to molest her when he invited her to go out because it was the last day he was in town. She gave me his number to call him up. Then he told ...
A. 30 August 2008: It's hard to get a "reading" on just who is telling the truth in this case, but you can bet that it lies somewhere in between the two stories.
If I had to guess, I would say that the story about being "molested" is probably a bit of an exaggera... (read in full...)
My friend is seriously depressed! How can I help?
Q. This is a very complicated problem, but I'll try to be as concise as I can. My best friend has been very depressed recently--to the point of severe depression, and I don't know what to do. The cause of her depression is the fear of change...
A. 30 August 2008: OK, your friend needs serious professional help, and no excuses. If you're really a good friend to her you will work with her to find some way to get her into a counselor's office or something like that. And sooner rather than later.
I don't th... (read in full...)
Are these the real red flags that he is going to cheat?
Q. Okay - same old sad story - but here it goes. My husband and I have been together for 21 years. We were high school sweethearts. We have good morals, but we aren't prudes if you know what I mean. We have two daughters and I work from home most of ...
A. 30 August 2008: By all means go ahead with the counseling. It's a great way for the two of you to learn new ways of open communications and learn to deal with these sorts of problems before they build up into serious troubles for your marriage. Communication is ... (read in full...)
I think that guys don't want me because I'm fat. What can I do to lose weight?
Q. Hey I Know This Is Pretty Sad But I Havnt Had A Boyfriend Since December And The Day He Dumped Me It WAs Like I Had Been Shot In The Heart. I Havnt Had A Boyfriend Since Then. I've Been Told Im Pretty, Im 5"10, GOt A good Personality. But I Think ...
A. 29 August 2008: Extreme diets like water only are not going to work. Assuming you've tried more sensible eating plans and are still having trouble losing weight, it's time to seek medical advice. there are a number of medications that can offer real help in a ... (read in full...)
How do we maintain the truth and reality here?
Q. The site is fantastic. It makes me know the problems of real people. Answer to real people promlems and ask real people my problem. How do we mentain the reality and truth here?...
A. 28 August 2008: Well, there are a dedicate (ahem!) group of volunteer moderators who review the questions and answers before they are posted to this site. That keeps obvious junk from appearing here. There are other tests that are used (which won't be disclosed, ... (read in full...)
How can I convince my friends that he's worth it?
Q. Hello to anyone who is reading this. I have a problem, my friends think that i am to good for my boyfriend. They believe that i should leave him. They also believe that he's a waste of my time and he's holding me back from the things that i want ...
A. 28 August 2008: Stick with him. Eventually they are going to start to understand that there has to be SOMETHING that they are missing. When they start to take a closer look, they will start seeing all the wonderful things that make this guy so special to you.
... (read in full...)
Are these the real red flags that he is going to cheat?
Q. Okay - same old sad story - but here it goes. My husband and I have been together for 21 years. We were high school sweethearts. We have good morals, but we aren't prudes if you know what I mean. We have two daughters and I work from home most of ...
A. 20 August 2008: First big question: other than feel really terrible, what are you going to do differently if you find out that he IS involved with this woman than you're doing now? Would you consider leaving him? Confront him with ultimatums? Throw a fit? ... (read in full...)
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