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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My partner and I had an argument yesterday morning and the rest of the day he gave me the silent treatment. I figured after a cooling off period of several hours he might be ready to talk. I sent him one text, then another, and another. Each one growing more frantic as he continued to ignore all of them. I then called him and it went to voice mail. Four hours after I sent the first text and dozens of texts later he finally responded. In every text I pleaded with him for the dignity of a response. He knows I have anxiety and he chose to allow me to wallow in it for hours. He later told me he was trying to punish me. I felt very hurt. And he pushed me to the brink of emotional exhaustion. I'm having a hard time getting over it today. He seems like he's moved past it. But I haven't. I lost respect for him. I found his actions abusive and cruel. How can I get over it and go back to how things were? I actually feel so much resentment right now. I think he could have been kinder.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2019): There are two sides to every story, what led up to him giving you the silent treatment? I'm going to hazard a guess your anxiety behaviour spills out in other areas of your life and he was trying to find another way to deal with it.
How would you cope if he had a job in which there was a mobile ban and he worked long hours? Four hours was really nothing, other than him admitting it was to punish you, maybe he really just wanted some space.
As others have said you need to go to Counselling
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (8 November 2019):
 You can't change how people behave, but you CAN change how you react to their treatment of you. You need to be working on your anxiety issues so that his behaviour does not affect you in this way. He admits he was trying to punish you - and he was successful.
It is not his job to make you feel safe or anxiety-free. He is your boyfriend, not your therapist. You either need to get help and sort out your issues or, if he acts this way on a regular basis, find yourself a partner who is more understanding.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 November 2019):
 Yes, he could have been kinder ( although, if this is your usual M.O., and you are so diabolically persistent in NOT leaving people their space when they want it, I understand very well how he may have sacrificed kindness for a bit of privac y, respite and peace of mind ! )
But, he did not °have to ° be kinder. Meaning, that he is not your physician, your shrink, your nurse, your caretaker . You are not a minor and he is not your parent or tutor. You are an adult, and if you have a ( mental ) health problem, it is your interest and your duty to take care of it in person,as promptly, consistently and efficiently as possible.
Are you seeing regularly a therapist ? Are you taking medications ? are you doing all that's possible in terms of diet, exercise, and relaxation techniques , to alleviate your anxiety ?
In the meantime, while you are taking care of your mental health problems, maybe you are just not equipped to be in a relationship- in any relationship, whether the partner is very kind or not. Relationships are not supposed to bring you to the verge of emotional exhaustion, so , if you feel this way, - don't be in one .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2019): No you made a mistake of chasing him you need to turn the tables don't contact him at all and he will come running back and try harder to please you. No contact until he does make an effort
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2019): No, it was not abusive. Please do not use that word so lightly, it belittles what some people truly do face.
Sure, the silent treatment wasn't the kindest thing to do. However, we don't know what YOU said to him in the fight, and how hurtful what you said was. If you said utterly terrible things, then it is fully expected he would need time to process this.
I don't think this relationship is going to work out. It is true, I despise game playing and the silent treatment falls under that, but it is the natural response in SOME cases if the fight was really bad enough. BUT if you are fighting this badly it is NOT a good sign. Find someone you get along with.
Also you need to get a handle on reality, YOUR own mental health under control as well. Saying abusive and cruel cuz he took 4 hours to respond to a text is overkill, and borderline not sane of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2019): You need to step-up your treatment and therapy for your anxiety-disorder; or you shouldn't subject yourself to a relationship you consider to be emotionally-abusive!
People don't have to cater to your anxiety-disorder; and if you've made it the center of your relationship, you've also somewhat used it as a tool of manipulation. If he is a mean-spirited individual, he will turn it against you. You played yourself with all the frantic messages, tripping over his refusal to answer you.
There is no power behind the silent-treatment; unless you reward the offender with a anxious and desperate response. It fuels the intent to upset you, and it gives the person ignoring you control over your feelings and emotions. If it works once, it will become their weapon of choice. If you've unwittingly mismatched yourself with a narcissist, or someone suffering with bipolarity; you are in huge trouble! The silent treatment is an effective passive-aggressive action; but you have to seriously judge the type of personality of a person who finds such behavior a useful way to hurt you!
If you're not strong enough to manage your anxiety; maybe you're not strong enough to handle a relationship. People in relationships have disagreements, and they might stop talking to each other. Usually, people tend to be unkind to each other when they're upset. If that throws you into a spell of anxiety; then you need to let the relationship go! He may also realize that once you're upset; it takes time for you to recover. He should back-off, but if you become totally unraveled; then he should end the relationship for the sake of your well-being. No-one has endless patience.
You may have met someone who will use your mental-health disorder in a way to punish or hurt you. I'm willing to speculate that he has done this a number of times. He wouldn't, unless he was certain it would be effective. You may somewhat enjoy the drama and suspense; and put on a dramatic-performance that only intensifies the negativity of the situation. Making him feel powerful, and leaving you feeling helpless. I wouldn't be surprised if it is a repetitive-cycle, ever-present in your relationship. You seem to be surrendering complete responsibility for your safety and wellbeing into his hands. That's a no-no!
I would advise you to end the relationship, and focus on your emotional-health. You lost it over something that didn't require such a severe and intense reaction. That means it's time to opt-out of the relationship; and go attend to your anxiety-condition. You're not strong enough to deal with someone like that guy.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 November 2019):
 Your boyfriend is not your therapist. If you don’t have a therapist, or counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist, it’s time to get one. I would go with the medical professional who can treat your out of control anxiety.
You have a medical condition and need proper treatment.
Additionally, you need counseling to figure out why you have put yourself into a situation where you are with a man whose behavior to you seems abusive.
Time for professional help.
And by the way, if this is the longtime mistress writing the question, you have been experiencing this anxiety and abusive relationship for years.
Time to take concrete, real life steps to improve your mental health, which to my amateur agony aunt eyes, appears to be on a steady decline since you started the affair 5 years ago.
I really do wish you courage to do what you’ve been avoiding for years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2019): His actions are emotionally abusive and cruel. Take a look at this article. If this sounds like your partner then you need to recognise his actions as abusive and maybe think about whether there are other red flags in this relationship.
https://www.healthline.com/health/silent-treatment#when-its-abusive
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2019): Your post sounds like something a person with Borderline disorder would write. If that is the case, this leaves you open for all sorts of manipulations by the partners YOU chose. He knows or instinctively feels how he can destabilize you.Your reaction is not a reaction of a grown-up, stable person. Why do you need so badly to have a feedback from him? For him to reassure you that everything is ok?Until you start dealing with this, learn how to just let the unpleasant emotions be, be calm when they hit... people will be able to influence your mood literally without having to lift a finger.This current partner is not important, because you will always chose partners like him. You need to develop your own soothing methods, learn that unpleasantness is a part of life, that we should not seek validation in others, learn how to be by ourselves and not seek others at all costs. He did not raise your level of anxiety - you LET his behavior do it. Now he has you in a corner, next time you will think twice before disagreeing with him, because if you do he will hit you where (for you) it hurts most - the fear of abandonment. You cannot go back to the way how things were, because they were never different, you just didn't see it because, you probably have a tendency to put people (you like or depend on) on a pedestal. Also, you maybe this is the first time you have had a real disagreement over something and you both have seen for the first time how you deal with it. Conflict situations are normal and common. You cannot avoid them. It tells a lot about all involved how they deal with them.Now, you resent him... you go up and down and up and down...He is not responsible for you.He is not responsible for how you feel or act.You are.You have formed a pretty unhealthy relationship with this man. This cannot change, until you both do, but maybe then one of you wouldn't stay - that's why people are afraid of change and prefer the devil they know.He could have written a post here, saying that his partner is draining him of energy with his anxiety and the only way he knows how to deal with it is to ignore her. From his PoV he would be right. Although not together honest about him trying to manipulate you by ignoring you.You on the other hand are using your anxiety to force people to treat you the way you want them to, even when they do not want to be in contact with you. you see the problem?If you really want to be better, work on yourself, seek professional help. Anxiety can be dealt with. There are ways.
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