New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login241600 questions, 1069050 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Did I just ruin the best thing that's ever happened to me with one bad decision?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 January 2019) 17 Answers - (Newest, 5 February 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *ennywren_7 writes:

I feel like a complete fool. Tonight I did something stupid and opened a message on my fiance's phone. I didn't even read the message bit then lied to him when he asked me if I had read his messages. I did come clean and it has really upset him. He said things like you need trust in a relationship. I do trust him. I honestly have no idea why i lied!

He has now stormed off to work and he won't be bavk until the morning, if he comes back.

Have I just ruined the best rhing thats ever happened to me with one completely bad decision?

View related questions: fiance

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019):

Sorry but I'm siding with the people that think something is off here from his hugely angry reaction.

Maybe mild annoyance wouldn't have raised flags, but the red flags are WAVING. I don't usually check fiance's phone, nor vice versa, but if either of us did I cannot see a reaction like that resulting. Maybe a laugh like "oh what are you doing?". As someone said, it is similar to looking in a filing cabinet, which again may invoke minor annoyance but nothing else if there is nothing to hide.

And it is VERY common to check each other's phones in relationships occasionally.

Sorry but I think he IS definitely hiding either porn or messages from others he doesn't want you to see.

<-- Rate this answer

A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom + , writes (1 February 2019):

Phil052 agony auntI think you just need to give him time, apologise, and see if you can pick things up again. It was a momentary lapse and shouldn't be blown up into something huge.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (31 January 2019):

N91 agony auntAs honeypie said, just because one relationship allows it, doesn’t mean another couple would be happy with it. I have absolutely nothing on my phone to hide from my GF but i would be extremely annoyed if I came across her looking through my phone. Your phone is your personal belonging, it’s the same as someone going through your drawers or filing cabinet. It has confidential things on there that are for your eyes only whether it’s your partner, mother or sister looking, it doesn’t matter and it’s an invasion of privacy.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2019):

I also find his overreaction strange . What is he hiding ? Another woman ? Porn? There’s definately something shady about this dude for him to react so strongly

I would understand him wanting to discuss the issue of trust but not such an intense reaction . I think you dodged a bullet with this one and definately not ‘the best thing of your life ‘ like you think

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (31 January 2019):

Code Warrior agony auntI'll echo Honeypie's response to the fem anon. In particular, this part of the response got my attention:

"From your partner's overreaction I would actually start wondering if he does have something on his phone to hide. Looking at one message alone isn't much of a reason to blow up like this, and all the "I can't trust you" after a small lie that you owned up to is quite over the top."

The reason it's a big deal is because she did it without his knowledge and without his permission. In your relationship, you have permission - your fingerprint unlocks your partner's phone. Also, the notion that if someone doesn't allow access, they might have something to hide, is a form of assuming guilt and requiring proof of innocence. How does one go about proving they are innocent when there's no evidence to exonerate them? What happens when you read something without knowing the context that upsets you and then you demand proof that the context is whatever the person you're accusing claims? What if they have no proof for the context other than their word? Transparency is no guarantee that something can't be taken out of context.

Another form of trust is one that doesn't require proof in the form of complete transparency. One just assumes that they can trust their partner without needing evidence of innocence. In that form of trust, a violation such as snooping is a very bad transgression because it indicates a lack of trust on the transgressor's part. When you combine that with your idea that he might have something to hide, the mindset becomes irrevocably negatively biased in its interpretation of messages or images and could lead to accusations against which the person can't defend themselves because the accuser's interpretation is incorrect and there's no exculpatory evidence to prove that. What's worse in the trust without transparency scenario is when there's evidence of snooping and then, when confronted, the trusted person lies. Admitting to a lie when pressed is not owning up to the offense. Owning up would be not lying about the snooping in the first place.

So, in their relationship, they don't require complete transparecy in order to trust, but now that trust has been violated, so it becomes a big deal.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 January 2019):

Honeypie agony auntTo the anon female who wrote:

"Am I the only one finding it a bit weird that he reacted so strongly?"

You go on to explain that in YOUR relationship it's the "norm" to check each other's phones when you hear a beep. Which is ALL WELL and good IN YOUR relationship.

In OP's relationship (I presume) they don't do that. It's the NORM for them to NOT check each other's phones. So he might have been a TAD over dramatic, but if this was something he just NEVER thought she wold do, it might make more sense.

I don't check my husband's phone. I do tell him - if he was away from his phone and it "beeped" - that he has a text or got a call. I DO NOT answer his phone. There is no point for me to do so. Just like HE doesn't answer mine if it rings. Because whomever CALLED called him OR me.

So what goes for ONE relationship, might not for another.

Do I think my husband would be pissed off if I checked his phone? I seriously doubt it. I wouldn't be pissed if he checked mine either. But I would wonder and question WHY.

So in short, you can't compare YOUR relationship to OP's and say YOURS is the "norm" and her's is not. It's the NORM in yours to have no privacy with phones and it's NOT the NORM in hers.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 January 2019):

Tisha-1 agony auntSo, to sum up, everything has been humming along with every one all happy with no issues or problems whatsoever, and this one incident of a brain fart results in you lying, him storming off and you wondering if he’s even going to come home.

Hm.

Perhaps there’s more happening? Some back story or history we aren’t aware of?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019):

Am I the only one finding it a bit weird that he reacted so strongly? My partner and I read each other's messages. For example, maybe he'll be cooking and his phone will beep and I'll look over and go "Oh, you've got a message from Daniel on Facebook" or something, and he'll ask what it says and get me to write a reply. My fingerprint can unlock his phone, and I don't even have a password on mine. The worst thing that could happen is I might later find some awful selfies he's taken.

From your partner's overreaction I would actually start wondering if he does have something on his phone to hide. Looking at one message alone isn't much of a reason to blow up like this, and all the "I can't trust you" after a small lie that you owned up to is quite over the top.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 January 2019):

Tisha-1 agony auntHe’s your fiancé. Was this the very first time anything like this has happened? Is this a perfectly harmonious and mutually satisfying and enriching relationship?

Do you randomly make bad decisions? Is he a calm and reasonable trustworthy guy?

There are some puzzle pieces missing here.

The first one you need to find is why you would open a message on his phone. The rest will follow.

Please update us, thanks!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (30 January 2019):

Code Warrior agony aunt"Have I just ruined the best rhing thats ever happened to me with one completely bad decision?"

Possibly. He now knows he can't trust you and is no longer sure that you trust him. Not only did you violate his trust by looking in the first place, but you compounded it by lying about doing it. That made you not only untrustworthy, but a liar too. The fact that you confessed may help, but it really depends on how much he had to press you to get you to admit it. If he had to press you, then your confession is meaningless.

If I were him, I would be re-evaluating the basis of the relationship. I'd be re-visiting every instance where I wondered if you were telling me the whole truth. I'd be wondering if your friends or family were trying to undermine me by telling you that you should check my phone messages. If I didn't have a passcode on my phone, I'd immediately put one in and I'd do the same for any other devices and I wouldn't tell you what the passcode is. I would wonder if you were projecting your behavior onto me and I would wonder what kind of behavior you were engaging in that causes you to worry that I might be doing the same. I would be wondering about whether or not I could trust you in financial matters.

Yeah, he's pissed and he has every right to be. It's just a question of how pissed and is it a dealbreaker. My gut tells me that he'll cool off and talk to you when he calms down and that you better have a better explanation than the one you gave in your post. Also, you should expect to have to make it up to him and he will decide what your pennance is.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, jennywren_7 United Kingdom +, writes (30 January 2019):

jennywren_7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

It was a complete brain fart moment. I can only describe it as a complete lack of judgment on my part. And I shouldn't have lied to him.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 January 2019):

Honeypie agony auntSo why did you open it?

Yes, I think it's wrong to go through a partner's phone. I know many younger than me people think it's "normal" and their "right", because if he doesn't have anything to hide you should be "allowed".

I don't agree with that at all. There IS a sense of PRIVACY in a relationship or marriage. And that IS OK. Most people themselves bring up who just texted or called or whatever so it's not like things are hidden on purpose. BUT it is THEIR choice when to.

Now someone might say, well if I didn't snoop I would never have found out he cheated. Yes, you would. You snooped because you FELT something was off. (general you by the way).

VIEW a phone or device as something like a diary. You wouldn't read someone's diary without invitation, would you?

Give him some space, don't bombard him with apologies and BE honest with him. WHY did you open it. Lying won't help you or using the term "I don't know why I did it.. is bullshit too".

It's not about whether you READ it or not... it's WHY you picked up his phone and clicked on it. THAT is what you need to explain to him.

And hopefully you can BOTH learn from this.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019):

I think before you do anything else, or make any decisions, you need to ask yourself why you opened a message on your boyfriends phone. Does he have a password on his phone? Did you hack his phone, or he gave you the password?

I mean there is a huge difference if you opened it because you are insecure and jealous and wanted to control him, or if you opened the message because you were bored and had a brain fart. I do stupid things similar to this when Im not paying attention. It's like going through Facebook even though you know there's nothing interesting there, you just dont have anything better to do.

You said you didn't even read the message. So why did you go to his phone and open a message? I mean, what was your intension? And what made you stop?

Find out this before anything else. And then when you talk to him next, you need to be honest about why you did what you did. Where did this action come from? Your answer is there.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (30 January 2019):

N91 agony auntI agree with Wiseowl in saying it’s a huge insult to do such a thing. It’s a real invasion of privacy, if you trust him then why would you do it!? Makes no sense!

All you can do is give him space to cool off. DO NOT bombard him with messages that will be likely to push him further away. Others may see this as not being a huge issue but I would be seething to find my partner reading messages meant for ME on my personal phone, she has no right to read them as I have no right to read hers. If he has given you no reason not to doubt his trust then you’ve now given him a reason to doubt yours!

Hopefully he will come around, but if not you’ve learnt something from this.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, jennywren_7 United Kingdom +, writes (30 January 2019):

jennywren_7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I didn't even read the message I just opened it. It was from his miners club by the looks of it.

Thanks for the good advise too. You're completely right and I know I'm 100% in the wrong here. I just pray that I can fix it.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 January 2019):

He's right! I know the first thing some would want to know is what does he have to hide? I think he has a right to his privacy; and a right to be insulted by the intrusion.

Trust is earned, valued, maintained, and exchanged in a healthy relationship. Your partner was correct.

You have to trust your fiance on face-value; in order to maintain harmony. I know a lot of people think they're protecting themselves by investigating to make sure. But what justifies your insecurity and distrust?

There will be some who would say there should be no secrets. Perhaps in a perfect world. I don't confess my soul to anyone but God! He has an infinite capacity to forgive.

Humans don't! They're hypocrites! They're insecure!

I don't check my partner's phone, and he doesn't check my messages. He's free to do so! Distrust is more of an insult to either of us, than cheating. Why? Because we aren't searching for evidence against each other. I like loving and trusting him; until I should to do otherwise. Suspicion doesn't arise unless warranted. I'd rather ask than go behind his back.

Don't marry someone you distrust. Checking his phone won't assure you much of anything anyway. If he determines you don't trust him, after he has proposed to you. How do you think it makes him feel?

Don't worry. He's pissed-off. He'll get over it. If such a petty thing will end your engagement; then you might have cause for suspicion. Let's hope you only angered him by lying to him. Unless this is a habit on your part?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 January 2019):

Honeypie agony auntWhat was the message, who was it from and BE HONEST why did you open it....

If you can answer that.. I'll give you my best opinion.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "Did I just ruin the best thing that's ever happened to me with one bad decision?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0468745999969542!