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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and I love him with all my heart but I have always struggled with trust issues due to my boyfriend's career. He works at a gym and has always worked at a gym. In fact, it's where we met. Recently a number of staff were invited to participate in a workshop which is part of a research study through a local hospital to see how seniors 60 and over would cognitively benefit from dance. It's a class they will be launching for 13 weeks, 2 times a week at different locations. Of all people to sign up for the same workshop is this one woman I don't like very much. I could see it coming. So, she was there for this day long course with him. And now I have learned that they will require 2 people to teach it together. So, it's very possible it will be this woman and my boyfriend, twice a week, sharing this class, for 13 weeks with the potential of it being a regular class.I am feeling very insecure and pretty upset. I met my boyfriend at the same place and we started with the same common interests, until it progressed to a lot more. I am worried that being together with her in classes will build a foundation for them to take it further. And for their relationship to progress like ours did. I worry it could become sexual. And I just cannot live with that. I can't take the thought of it. You have no idea the agony I go through. I have had to deal with these insecurities for 5 years. They are starting to break me. He said he would never interfere with my career or tell me who I can and can't associate or work with. Even if it was a man he deemed a threat? He said no, he trusts me. I am having a harder time with this than he is and I cannot trust him as easily as he trusts me. He says he never gets jealous. That's because I have never given him reason. I do not have a potential dating pool of mostly males at my work place like he does females. He got involved with me under inappropriate circumstances and therefore I know what he is capable of. I told him I couldn't handle it if he worked with her. He said no classes have been assigned and that it's starting in January and there's no reason to worry. He loves me. But I told him I still couldn't handle it if he worked with her 2 x a week. He said "too bad." He said it's his job and he likes what he does. That I should not be telling him who he can/can't work with. Nor should I feel threatened. He suggested I volunteer in the classes as they need volunteers for the older participants in case they need help with the movements or have physical limitations and require assistance. That way I can be with him and not feel threatened, he said. I am not sure how to go about this. We all have our breaking points. We all know what we can handle. I already have anxiety issues because of him. In almost 5 years, I am still his girlfriend and he has not committed to me. My insecurities all come from here. I worry he is still trying to play the field. Find someone new or better. Because he has never made the move to become serious with me. He doesn't want to. But I don't see anyone better than me. I am quite a catch, you see. Pretty SPECIAL I think. I think he sees it? But I don't think so either. :( And I shouldn't need to be lowering myself to this level of insecurity. It takes away the confidence I used to have. And I hate being in a deficit position. Because I don't need to worry about other females. Because I AM good enough. I hate that my confidence takes such a hit. I am told I am an amazing woman. He has said so before. But I just can't seem to feel safe and secure with him. I try so hard. But he seems to do things which always rub my insecurities raw. He tells me he can do what he wants and I guess I have to take it if I want to stay with him. But I am feeling resentment. If I was in a situation that he didn't like, I would back off. I would respect his wishes or find a compromise. I'm not sure if him asking me to volunteer in his classes is a compromise as much as it being him getting what he wants. I don't think my feelings are wrong. They are mine and I own them. He says he can understand why I feel this way but he isn't going to change what he does. Calls me immature and tells me I am acting like a teenager. That we are adults here. I can't help but think he's expecting me to just take his shit while he does whatever he wants. Is that a relationship? How can we get past this? The fact he would even consider teaching with her is making me so angry. Almost to the point of telling him to fuck off. It seems to me he is picking her over me. So, I really don't mean as much to him as I thought. I will need objective advice on how to approach this situation. Or should I just end this relationship because it's clear he could care less if I walked away?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2018): Code Warrior has a point. There is something slimy about this snake you call a boyfriend. I'd keep my eyes wide open if I were you. Don't let him tell you it's all your fault. It isn't. Some men are just insecure and rotten at the core. They use new conquests to fix their brokenness. But nothing can save them. Not even the love of a good woman. Let him hang himself. But I wouldn't stick around to watch. You can do better!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 October 2018):
 Isn’t this man already married to someone else? Who hasn’t committed to you because you are his mistress? You’ve posted many times about this relationship and you even acknowledged at the very beginning that it would bring you a lot of pain.
OP, you need counseling to deal with your feelings and discover why you are making such bad choices for yourself.
You can’t trust him because you always know that he’s fundamentally a cheater.
Get counseling. Please. For your own mental health.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 October 2018):
 I'm absolutely with the rest of the aunts.
You are being ridiculous. IT IS NOT your job to tell your partner where or who he can work with. He is a GROWN man. And apparently a grown man with the patience of a saint. Because if MY husband told me... you can't work at this job because this guy is there that I don't like... I'd tell him to go fly a kite!
Do you really think your BF has so little self-control that he is going to be dicks out! at work?
How has he not committed to you? Are you two not exclusive?
Do you mean he hasn't proposed?
I can see why he hasn't proposed though, if you are that controlling and insecure that you think it's your "right" as the GF to dictate where he can work and with whom. A JOB is a JOB. It's what you do to pay the bills.
My guess is, if after 5 years you STILL don't trust him you really have nothing of substance. You are wasting your time expecting him to be the man you want him to be and to follow your every whim. And sorry, OP... you thinking it's your right to dictate who he can work with... IT IS A WHIM and it's unreasonable.
IF you are afraid he will cheat, do you REALLY think it matter whether he WORKS with the woman or not?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2018): He met you and he has stayed with you, what is so wrong with that? I seriously think you need to grow up, you sound like a kid throwing a tantrum. You come across as being self absorbed and yet on the other hand if you thought so highly of yourself why would it bother you so much who he works with, just because you don't like someone it doesn't follow he has to do the same, he doesn't even bloody know if she will be working with him!!He has tried to compromise, gives you mature responses and the very fact he doesn't act jealous is a pretty good sign it is because he is not doing anything behind your back!!Why would he marry you the way you are? Sorry but you would only get worse if he married you, be honest on that, he knows this. You are being unreasonable, you are being controlling and you are acting very immature. If you can't see this and act on changing it then yes do him a favour and walk away. The underlying thing here is you lack self confidence and you need to work out why and what you can do to address it. Sorry harsh truths but you asked!
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (15 October 2018):
 Why are you with someone that’s ‘given’ you anxiety? If you know your self worth then why stay with someone that makes you second guess yourself?
If he wants to cheat he will do it whether he goes on this course with her or not but a sure fire way to push a partner away is to tell them who they can/can’t associate with. If he’s truly professional and a good boyfriend then he won’t stray, a fundamental part of being in a relationship is trusting them not to cheat. You don’t trust this guy, so why stay?
Your BF is right, you are immature. Thinking about telling him to ‘fuck off’ because he is willing to do his job with someone that you don’t like? What is he supposed to tell his bosses if it came to it? ‘I can do the course with anyone besides X as my GF won’t alllow it’. That would be ridiculous. If he worked in an office and he needed to work with this woman as she was the only department that could help him achieve his goal would you tell him to leave his job? I highly doubt it so in all honesty you need to get a grip.
You either trust him or you don’t, if he’s going to cheat he will do it no matter what you say or do. You complain that he’s given you anxiety yet YOU have projected your insecurities onto him for 5 years, do you have any idea how tiresome that would be for someone? I doubt this will last another 5 years by the sounds of things.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (15 October 2018):
 I think you're causing your own problems. When you say he got with you under inappropriate circumstances, what does that mean exactly?
You say the problem comes from him not committing to you. Does that mean you want to get married and you think that will solve your problems? It will not. It'll only make it harder to break up when your insecurities continue to tear you apart. How can he agree to marry someone who is constantly freaking out about these things?
He isn't choosing to teach a class with a woman you don't like to hurt you. It might not even be her. He has been given a great opportunity and you should be supportive, not driving yourself crazy. You cannot lock him away from the rest of the world just in case he gets tempted. If he works in a gym there is plenty of opportunity for him to meet women if he wanted to, but five years on he is still with you. That should tell you something.
He is 100% in the right in this situation. I have sympathy because I was cheated on once and then in my next relationship it made me the person you are right now. And do u know what happened? My fiance started to not tell me when he went to lunch with a female co worker, he didn't tell me when he was moved desks to an almost all-female group, because he knew I was being insane and didn't want to deal with it. He shouldn't have been made to feel like he was doing anything wrong just by socialising with other people and being at work. Then I got mad that he lied, but can I really blame him when I would cry for hours over stupid imagined thing things that might happen?
If he wants to cheat, he could just as easily meet someone while he is shopping.
Take a look at yourself. Are you going to get help or are you going to ruin this relationship? He is trying to compromise on this by saying you can volunteer for the classes, but you're not happy with that either. So he can't win can he unless YOU get what YOU want. you're not going to be allow yourself (or him) to be happy otherwise.
Controlling who your partner sees, works with, speaks to... It's all a form of emotional and mental abuse. Do you want to be that person?
I would suggest that you work on your own self confidence as a priority.
Either start working on your issues rather than giving into them, or let go of this guy who, after five years, you still cannot trust.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 October 2018):
 I don't think the real problem is this specific colleague per se, but the general status of your relationship.
Technically he is right, this is his job and you should not even think possible of having a say about whom he is going to work with and doing what.
If he was a bank clerk you would not demand that he asked to be transferred to another branch because they have hired a new bank teller who is a sex bomb.If he was a high school principal you would not ask him to resign because the new math teacher is young and pretty. Or , you would demand it .. and he would be entitled to laugh heartily in your face .
What he suggested , that you volunteer in this dance class so that you can sort of keep an eye on him and see that everything is aboveboard, does seem a reasonable compromise. More than reasonable - generous. I don't know that many men who would be so patient with this type and level of insecurity for 5 years.
BUT: it all depends from what kind of relationship you are in, and yours sounds like having shaky foundations maybe ?
What does it even mean " I am his girlfriend and he has not committed to me " ? " He has not made the move to become serious with me ? " How is that even possible ? Either you are exclusive and official , or you are not.Either you have mutually committed to each other, or you haven't, you are just still casually dating, and in this case I do not see too much ground for belly -aching, since you know and accept that you are not Ms. Right but Ms. Right Now and that at any time he ( or you ) could feel free to accept other offers for sex and romance. Whether they come from work or from any other environment.
It is possible that you have agreed on sexual exclusivity for the time being , but if in 5 years there are no plans to commit and make things serious and permanent , and future- oriented, well, then sorry but duh, you really don't mean as much to him as you thought . And this, regardless of where he works and with whom.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 October 2018):
 ITS HIS JOB. Do you really believe he should quit or do something he doesn't want to do because he works with a woman you "don't like much". You don't even say what this woman did to earn your "dislike"
I think you are overreacting, and that you should listen when he says he would never interfere with your career or tell you who you can and can't associate or work with
He has put up with your insecurities for five years and is still hanging in there.
HOWEVER if you feel unsafe and insecure with him after 5 years then yes, if you don't want to go down the professional counselling route, then end it, and put the pair of you out of your misery.
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