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*enizen

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I forgave him after his betrayal, but how can I warm this love up again?

Q.   I am 27, yet still so naive in love. I will try to make this as short as possible. Both times when being betrayed, I never had a doubt because he was still treating me as good as we used to be. 6 months ago, my bf had feelings for a gir...

A.   24 July 2017: Sorry but there is no going back to what it was. It is a different relationship now. You have to decide if you can exist with person who you now know to be different to who you imagined him to be. Can it be mended? I'm not sure.... (read in full...)

We split up 5 years ago but I still have feelings for him

Q.   Hi I split up with a ex 5 years ago I know it's a long time ago but the problem is I still have feelings for him and I don't know why the relationship was very intense we fell in love straight away but he suddenly started treating me horribly I ...

A.   24 July 2017: The reason you still have these feelings is because you keep revisiting it in your head. It is in the past like a day on the beach. You can revisit it in your head but it is gone. It isn't real anymore. Look forward not back. Find things that are ... (read in full...)

Is this guy lying about his wifey situation?

Q.   I met a guy online and started seeing him. Before I started seeing him he took down his profile as he said he found it demoralising. He told me he was separated, had been for 9 yrs. said he hadn't divorced because he wife had gotten a boyfrie...

A.   23 July 2017: There is too much baggage attached to this one. Whether he is telling the truth or making up porkies it should all be so much simpler than this for you. I would draw a line under this for your own sanity. Otherwise you are going to be drawn into... (read in full...)

I know I can't ask the waiter out, but what are your views on this?

Q.   I have been going out on a trip to this sea side and I always go at the same cafe with my parents. I went there a couple of years and I keep seeing this same guy who still works there. He's my type but I don't know anything about him or his name ...

A.   23 July 2017: In holiday resorts a guy like this has someone different every week during the season. It is one of the perks. Don't be second week in July, or whenever it is you go back there. You sound like a nice person but perhaps a little bit naive. Let this ... (read in full...)

Friend will not take any ownership for problems in our friendship. What should I do?

Q.   Good morning This is such a neat site and I get answers from around the world which is cool. My issue involves a ten year old friendship. I have had bumps in the road with this friendship in the past but we have worked it out but as of late the c...

A.   23 July 2017: Perhaps she was upset about not being included in the planning of the trip. She might have liked to be asked about the itinerary and route. It sounds like you did all the planning. You need to think about whether this friendship is something you ... (read in full...)

Was he just being an ex, and was he using me?

Q.   Hi thanks for reading guys I need advice. On wed me and my ex spend the night together, we went for a meal a few drinks and was best night we ever had, he was so loving told me he can't imagine his life without me. Was incredible met some of his ...

A.   23 July 2017: You need to ignore him. Whatever the reason you you shouldn't chase him. He was on a full-on night out with the boys after all. Depending on the level of excess he could be recovering for up to three days. If his proclamation of love for you was ... (read in full...)

How do I help my boyfriend sort himself out?

Q.   My boyfriend had a really bad relationship with this girl before me and left him with some mental scars and we were totally fine until he got drunk and texted some random girl stupid stuff but they weren't that bad. Now he's apologised loads and I ...

A.   19 July 2017: Using depression as an excuse is unacceptable. Real depression is paralysing. It sounds like he is just a moody teenager and not really ready for someone sympathetic, understanding and loving like you. It's one thing to be really depressed. Then... (read in full...)

She makes up things I've said - then criticises me

Q.   Hey guys, Need some advice here or just a way to avoid the unnecessary arguments altogether. In short, my girlfriend is continuously saying I've said things I've never said. It's driving me mad because if I defend myself about these things...

A.   19 July 2017: This is an insidious manoeuvre on her part. It works by keeping you permanently on the back foot. The aim is control. The counter, the only one I know, is a rude rebuke or, in the event of a come-back, a series of them. Use a colourful and imag... (read in full...)

I don't want to panic in the future about oral sex performed on me, advice please?

Q.   Hi I'm an 18 y/o girl and lost my virginity earlier this year. It was great, and the foreplay was even better, except as he was kissing his way down there I was pulling him back up. I told him I wasn't comfortable with him going down on me, like I ...

A.   19 July 2017: Don't worry about your natural odour. It is a turn on. Men are wired to respond to it. As previous Aunts said, as long as your hygiene is good then there is nothing to worry about. And if any man doesn't enjoy the experience he needn't go there. I... (read in full...)

Should I allow her more space in my arrangements?

Q.   I am a lady who likes ladies. I have been toying with the idea of moving across the country to a particular city for awhile and have a good friend there. Through an online dating site, I have been speaking with a lady from this city who seems great, ...

A.   18 July 2017: Yes I think you should allow her space to meet you without necessarily having to give you lodgings. She has probably had second thoughts about her wave of generosity. Book into a hotel or similar. That allows you both freedom to be with or with... (read in full...)

Do I stay with my husband because I feel sorry for him?

Q.   Hi, I'm 49 and married second time for 5 years. He is 13 years older and adores me. But Iv never really been settled. Iv hankered after an ex for the first years of the marriage. Now Iv met and fallen madly in love with a guy I met . I'm so ...

A.   17 July 2017: You have to be fair to your husband. You do him no favours at all by staying. As it seems he is a good man then treat him well. Cut him loose and let him find someone who loves him fully. Could I suggest a period of time should elapse before y... (read in full...)

What signs should I look for?

Q.   Is it normal to look for signs that point to more than friendship? I've had this sort of thing going on with a guy I really like and we do lots of things and spend lots of time together, and there are lots of signs that it is something more but we ...

A.   14 July 2017: Yes it's normal but what you offer isn't much to go on. Men just aren't that subtle to be frank. What is your gut telling you? If you think it might be on then you have to help make it possible. That means taking a little risk. And if it's a 'no'... (read in full...)

My boyfriend is a good guy but I'm not in love with him anymore. There's also a new man on the scene but he's in a relationship. I'm clueless about what to do

Q.   Hi Aunts and Uncles. I'm posting this here because I have always had good advice here before and I have no one I can speak to about this. I feel like such an awful person for what I am about to write but I can't go on keeping it in my head. It's ...

A.   14 July 2017: Thank you for your honesty. I sympathise with the bind you are in and I will try to give you a clear analysis as I see it. First you say your boyfriend is quitting his job. This suggests he hasn't yet, and even if he has handed in notice there is t... (read in full...)

Is this happening too quickly?

Q.   Preface: So, 11 weeks ago I posted a question on this website to seek help with an (almost) four-year-old relationship. Two wise people gave me the advice to end the relationship - advice I ignored until about a month ago when I finally made the...

A.   13 July 2017: Yes is the answer. It is happening too fast. However when you are in love it is hard to put the brakes on. I think you both need to think about moving somewhere new, somewhere not tainted by your previous relationship. Let that be you focus for the ... (read in full...)

How do I go back to being who I was while at Korea? I'm stuck in a weird slump

Q.   Okay, I am a 20 year old guy who just returned to my middle of nowhere hometown after the most amazing year abroad in Seoul, South Korea studying at a University that I've always dreamed of attending and it finished, AN incredible, what i thought to ...

A.   13 July 2017: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get out there and engage with something. Shouldn't you be looking for a holiday job? Can you not volunteer some time to help others? Is there not something you can do with your time until uni'? You have been on a hi... (read in full...)

I can't believe that after all his drama, HE dumped me! I need closure. What do I do?

Q.   Hey guys! Just need a little advice at the moment! Hope you can help! I met a guy at my job that I started dating.. before anyone says "Don't date people you work with".. I usually don't, and I only made an acception because he works in anot...

A.   13 July 2017: It's hard to imagine how much more closure you could get. Sure, you need to get over it. You made a mistake picking this one, but you realise it. On the up side you have found out quite quickly what a mistake it was. So drop this toxic piece back in ... (read in full...)

Should I let the children meet?

Q.   My question has a little bit of history behind it. So about eight years ago I was at the eight month mark dating a boyfriend when I was in my early twenties and he cheated on me with his best female friend so we broke up and a few weeks later I ...

A.   12 July 2017: Let me put the question back to you and perhaps then you will be nearer the right answer. Why would you not want them to meet? Can you come up with good reasons why they shouldn't meet? If so then you have your answer.... (read in full...)

I seem to be stuck in a fantasy world. Am I going mad?

Q.   I want to give a little background - I have an obsessive personality (my therapist) has stated this on top of bad anxiety. Lately due to the stress because of bills all I do is work and I have found that I get sick in this fantasy land of dreaming ...

A.   12 July 2017: If you are looking for constant validation you will always be vulnerable. It isn't what you think you are. It isn't even what they think you are. It is what you think, they think you are. It seems to me that if you have a counsellor or therapis... (read in full...)

Indian wedding problem- I was happy with the guy that my parents had seen for me but now they say our horoscopes don't match!

Q.   Hi I met a guy arranged by my parents for matrimony.i ended up liking him a lot....everything was going on smoothly n we were about to plan our wedding but now my parents say that we can't go ahead because the horoscopes do not match and the ...

A.   11 July 2017: You are an adult, so in 2017 you can decide for yourself. If you family threaten to disinherit you then that might complicate your decision, particularly as it was they who chose him in the first place. I think for you the important thing is to deci... (read in full...)

The love of my life just shamed my dressing style and said that I embarrassed him

Q.   The man I thought was the love of my life just informed me that when I visited him in his home town I embarrassed him because of my outfit because, he says , it was way too short I feel totally embarrassed . I'm in my 40s and somewhat chubby ...

A.   11 July 2017: How long have you been with him? Surely he has had time enough to see you in most wardrobe configurations? If I were you I would give him the cold shoulder. I mean, when did he become a paid-up member of the style police? When you choose someone ... (read in full...)

How do I get out of loving the "other man" when I'm a married woman?

Q.   4 years ago I became colleagues with a man I met online. He knew I was married from the beginning and he was always platonic with me, or so I thought, Things soon started getting weird between us and he started acting jealous whenever I'd men...

A.   11 July 2017: Achy Breaky heart. Well at least you have been there and done it. You won't spend the rest of you life wondering what if. Now you know. Put it in a box and move on. It's life experience and we all carry our boxes until we decide to put them down and ... (read in full...)

How can I stop liking my married coworker?

Q.   How can I stop thinking about my coworker? I have developed a crush on a new coworker in my new job - he is quite handsome but married. He is friendly but we have never been innapropriate - we on chat about silly things and we added each other on ...

A.   11 July 2017: It.s terrible when you have the hots for someone who is out of reach. It sounds as if you have it bad. When you attend to your loneliness by joining some activities outside work then your crush will fade and you might even find someone who can love ... (read in full...)

Are all men vain?

Q.   Are guys really vain? I'm an insecure female and I have from what most men say and ideal face and body and I get complimented a lot- I don't share a lot of myself with the men I've been because it takes time - they also have been really bad men- my ...

A.   11 July 2017: Considering most women are NOT like lingerie models I think, as the human race continues to multiply, with consideration, you must draw the conclusion that men don't just go for looks. Of course we always appreciate it if our partners look afte... (read in full...)

I'm always trying to please my husband so he won't get upset

Q.   So I have been married a little over two years, he knew while we were dating that I did not like to cook and also lacked the gene for cooking. When I do try to cook for him, he is brutally honest and also criticizes me on what I could of done ...

A.   10 July 2017: I think you should tell him to accept you for the person he married or you will seek a divorce. At the same time you could take a few cookery lessons. And there are cook books that are nearly infallible, Delia's for one. There is no cookery gene... (read in full...)

How to cope with abuse for mixed race relationship?

Q.   Hello, I have been with my amazing boyfriend of 3 and a half years and we are more than happy. I am a black female and he is a white male and we constantly receive horrible comments and a few uncomfortable stares in restaurants, beaches, cinemas ...

A.   9 July 2017: If it is really too much to bear then you have to move to where you will be accepted. Any reaction to your abusers will only bring more insults. If that is out of the question then being involved with your community softens attitudes. If there is a... (read in full...)

How can I get my emotional life in order?

Q.   How does one start believe the positive affirmations - for example I'm reading a lot of self help books that say speak to the universe And it will give it back - it's logical if I say I would like to be successful and calm - or I would like to be ab...

A.   9 July 2017: There are several things you can be doing. And perhaps you should be doing more than one depending on you preferences. Meditation and Mindfulness are helpful for many people. There are also online options. Some only require a few minutes each day. Y... (read in full...)

I feel like I'm a rebound and that he's not over his ex!

Q.   My boyfriend broke up with his last ex girlfriend almost 2 years ago, I'm not very sure he is over her and I feel I'm just a rebound whenever I ask him questions about his past relationships he doesn't get frustrated about any of his exes except his ...

A.   8 July 2017: Yes just let the matter lie. It could take him a lot longer to finally get over it. Just steer clear of exs unless he brings up the subject. He has been wounded at a deep level. It isn't going to go away quickly. You have to face the fact too that... (read in full...)

Should I back of and give her time to deal with things?

Q.   So for the past month or so I've been sleeping with this girl I know through mutual friends. We always have a lot of fun together when we hang out. She's just getting out of a seven year relationship and is currently in the process of moving out of ...

A.   7 July 2017: Yes, give her space. In this respect women can be like cats, you must let them come to you. Tell her you respect her feelings and you would love to stay friends with her. Take the pressure off and when she is ready she will approach you if it seem... (read in full...)

How can I deal with bad female bosses

Q.   A year ago I was working for a large publicly held company - when they hired a senior manager and let go my original manager that hired me. As soon as she started working no more than two months in the job she started criticizing my work- micro ...

A.   7 July 2017: If you aren't appreciated in you place of work you really only have one option. Sorry, but for your own sanity it's time to start digging the tunnel.... (read in full...)

How do I deal with creepy older men?

Q.   I live in a small rich town where there are a LOT of people in their 50s and 60s, I'm here because it's cheaper and nicer than the nearby city. I'm a female student in my 20s. I get hit on regularly by older guys (I'm talking the ones in the 50s ...

A.   7 July 2017: Could you tell us more fully please what you mean by being hit on? Are they being chatty or sexually explicit? The reason I ask is because in the past there have been instances of women being offended by builders giving them wolf whistles and call... (read in full...)

Is it too soon to be calling it a relationship?

Q.   i have been seeing someone for seven weeks and we see each other two/three times a week. i am in my forties and so it is not a young relationship. however i have begun to notice that he sometimes does not contact me for a day or two after he has ...

A.   6 July 2017: You have misunderstood. What the instruction means is not to write your whole question in capitals. Sorry to have shot you down over that.... (read in full...)

Who do I help, the one who relies on me or myself?

Q.   I have a strained relationship with my girlfriend of five years. There's a lot of love and care there. She'll shower me with it, thank me and bless me. She has me on a pedestal and I shelter her from life. There's a lot of love but I feel trapped. ...

A.   6 July 2017: The advice you have been given is loud, clear and unanimous. You aren't helping her. You are making things worse. There has to be a line drawn in the sand and you are the only one to do it. At the moment it is you who is the weakling.... (read in full...)

How can anyone be so busy they cannot talk with their lover for 5 days in a row?

Q.   its been 5 days since we saw each other.And will not able to see for another 6 months cuz she is nepal and me in india. we havent been able to talk or chat nicely. she is busy right now. goes clz 6am to 11am. and work from 12pm to 6pm. then she is i...

A.   6 July 2017: You've already realised she isn't that interested. Try not answering her for week. She might come back to try and keep you on the hook but you are smarter than that aren't you?... (read in full...)

Is it too soon to be calling it a relationship?

Q.   i have been seeing someone for seven weeks and we see each other two/three times a week. i am in my forties and so it is not a young relationship. however i have begun to notice that he sometimes does not contact me for a day or two after he has ...

A.   6 July 2017: You put yourself as, please excuse me, middle aged, and yet you are worried about labels. That, and the fact that you haven't found the way to add capital letters to your sentences leads me to believe that you are a lot younger. There is no hard... (read in full...)

I've forgotten how to meet people!

Q.   Ok I need advice, I'm a widow of 7 yrs, I was married for 27. I have forgotten how to meet people. seems the ones I do just want sex, Im not saying sex is a bad thing. but I want a relationship. Can anyone refresh me on how to meet people. ...

A.   6 July 2017: Get involved in volunteering, evening classes, charities - things like that. The object is then something other than hooking up, if you excuse the phrase. Joining a choir is also a popular pursuit and they are of all different standards and vocal ... (read in full...)

Is he cheating with his ex?

Q.   Is my partner cheating??????????? He says he needs 2 clear his head is he cheating with his ex and only talking 2 his daughter his smashed his phone up so no one can get hold off him but I think his stopping at his ex house cos he knows were not ...

A.   5 July 2017: Yes, he probably is. The tell tale is the line: "He wants to clear his head". You are being excluded. Time for some honesty.... (read in full...)

Why is everyone sceptical about a 'friends with benefits' arrangement?

Q.   So a while back me and my friend had sex a couple of times. We actually live in a shared house with other people, although they don't know that anything happened between us. We had known each other for about a year before this happened, and had ...

A.   5 July 2017: It's an odd question: "Is a 'friends with benefits' scenario very rare or more common than people think?" What is the point of it. If you are both happy with the arrangement then just get on with it. You don't need to be concerned about the freq... (read in full...)

Who do I help, the one who relies on me or myself?

Q.   I have a strained relationship with my girlfriend of five years. There's a lot of love and care there. She'll shower me with it, thank me and bless me. She has me on a pedestal and I shelter her from life. There's a lot of love but I feel trapped. ...

A.   5 July 2017: It would be easy to give you the advice you expect. Yet I imagine the quandary you find yourself in, between being caring, yet pragmatic might lead you to expect something more from here. First you have taught this little bird to feed from your hand... (read in full...)

I feel like I am a mistake and that everybody knows it!

Q.   Am i stupid, or just living in the past. I am gay and i don't think i have ever said that before. i have always been scared and think of other peoples feelings rather then my own. I avoid social situations and even family stuff because everybody is ...

A.   3 July 2017: I think you need to examine what you are afraid of. Is it rejection? Could it be persecution? Ask yourse4lf what really is the worst that could happen about your coming out? I take it that you haven't already because you say this is the first time... (read in full...)

My parents behave like they're not married to one another

Q.   My parents are basically are just a (husband and wife) by name but they don't act like one. They had always been problems between both of them and especially my dad is physically and emotionally abusive. So they decided that both of them will not be ...

A.   2 July 2017: This must be very upsetting for you. You want your mum and dad to be OK but they have fallen out of love. I think the best thing you can do is strike out on your own, if you haven't already, and leave them to get on with it. Some parents stay tog... (read in full...)

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