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*iar

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Amateurs built the Ark.....professionals built the Titanic

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time

'Be courteous, be obliging, but don’t give yourself over to be melted down for the benefit of the tallow trade'- George Eliot, whose real name was Mary Anne Evans

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How do I get over this anger toward my ex?

Q.   It's been over 3 months since me and my ex broke up. Tonight a mutual friend said he has been really low for a few weeks and that could I talk to him. I had blocked him on everything and although I felt okay, I wasn't sure it was a good idea.......

A.   15 September 2018: 'So it's kind of obvious I didn't want a conversation.'....actually that's exactly how it looked, but maybe this time you got something out of it. He sex texts another woman 2 days after you miscarry and some bimbo 'mutual friend' has the ... (read in full...)

My new boyfriend has become obsessed about my past

Q.   Hi there I ended my marriage a year ago due to domestic violence. I was married for 10 years and have 2 children out of this marriage. I'm in a long term relationship with this wonderful man - very caring, sympathetic, logical and strong minded p...

A.   15 September 2018: I had to rush out for a bit and wasn't finished.. While I have little sympathy for the man, my advice was not meant to be entirely heartless. His actions are a manifestation of narcissism. By reassuring him of your love, you are actually enc... (read in full...)

My new boyfriend has become obsessed about my past

Q.   Hi there I ended my marriage a year ago due to domestic violence. I was married for 10 years and have 2 children out of this marriage. I'm in a long term relationship with this wonderful man - very caring, sympathetic, logical and strong minded p...

A.   14 September 2018: You've been dating this man for less than a year so this is NOT a long term relationship. And like the others, I'm doubtful it will become one. Not a happy one anyway. You seemed to be off to a good start until you re-packaged yourself as damaged ... (read in full...)

I dumped my boyfriend for sponging off of me but now I feel guilty

Q.   I’ve been dating this guy for 9 months now. Things started off great and though we have had a few issues I feel like they can be worked through. The latest issue though is surrounding money. He lost his job a few months ago and has been having a...

A.   11 September 2018: You did the right thing. He's a con man. He has no overhead and apparently has no problem sponging off of women, at least one of them is a single mother (maybe both?). He's a bottom feeder and well done, you, for cutting him loose. I hope... (read in full...)

He's messing around with that other girl, he's the one that moved out leaving me paying all the bills when I'm unemployed and yet somehow I'm at fault?

Q.   Hi guys, this will be a long one so please bear with me... I moved abroad around 3 years ago for work. Two years in, I met Jay who I thought was, as tacky as it sounds, the one for me. I had never had this connection with anybody before and there...

A.   29 August 2018: You both made the mistake of relying on your emotions instead of your intellect. He carried on an inappropriate friendship with a female colleague. This would have raised questions in anyone's mind, just as it did for his ex. HOW you choose t... (read in full...)

What should I do about this married, flirting floozy?

Q.   I have a friend and shes always says she love me. Shes married to She once said I love you more then you know what is she trying to say to me. She flurts with me to. I dont know what to do....

A.   24 August 2018: Not much information to go on here. I'm guessing you don't appreciate this attention? Is she part of a group of friends and you can't cut her out of your life without cutting others out as well? How long have you known this woman and how we... (read in full...)

How do I fix my girlfriend's attitude about her appearance?

Q.   My girlfriend has a folder on her phone that consists of a lot of pictures of beautiful girls. I asked her about it and she said that these girls are pretty and she likes the inspiration because she wants to look like that one day. We're both onl...

A.   24 August 2018: As an aside, and I don't know what your views on this are, but we've all noticed more and more women getting body piercings and tattoos. Apparently it's ok to jam needles into our bodies and inject chemicals into our skin as long as it's teddy be... (read in full...)

How do I fix my girlfriend's attitude about her appearance?

Q.   My girlfriend has a folder on her phone that consists of a lot of pictures of beautiful girls. I asked her about it and she said that these girls are pretty and she likes the inspiration because she wants to look like that one day. We're both onl...

A.   24 August 2018: You don't. For one thing she doesn't sound obsessed to me. She's not constantly talking about her appearance. She knows she's not ugly but simply wants to make some improvements. Like most people. And she's a way off getting any surgery so your ... (read in full...)

How do I kindly but clearly help her understand I am looking for friendship only?

Q.   Hi, With compassion and honesty, I would like to thoughtfully help someone clearly understand I am looking for friendship only. I am a 28 year old male and share the office floor with another team that includes a 22 year old girl. She acts tou...

A.   24 August 2018: I agree with the others and since they've already said it perfectly I don't need to elaborate. Instead I'll respond to your idea about how to confront her. Getting her to admit intimate feelings just so you can reject her is cowardly and cru... (read in full...)

The guy I've been seeing just asked about a threesome with my friend

Q.   A guy I've been seeing for not long was talking to me tonight and he pulled up a pic on my social media and asked if it was my friend in the pic. I said yes and he said she looks familiar. He then a few sentences later was asking if I wanted a...

A.   23 August 2018: Ghost him. He's not even worth a 'good bye' email. This is a clear sign he's not serious about you and he's a creep. Have standards and live by them. ... (read in full...)

Accidental work fling with a subordinate

Q.   I began a new job back in October - which was my first real directing title. At the time I was given a number two as well as any other team members I needed to develop the area. In the beginning it was very hard for me and my no.2 to see eye to e...

A.   23 August 2018: Don't broach the subject again. You're a recent hire, his superior and he's already said 'no'. It would be very easy for him to accuse you of sexual harassment, which it is and would be frowned on if your roles were in reverse. Apart from be... (read in full...)

Why is my ex's new girlfriend contacting me? Should I confront him?

Q.   I have had no contact with him. All of a sudden I wake up one morning to a rude awakening. A girl that he is allegedly been seeing for 5 months went through the trouble to contact me on Fb. Why? I still have feelings for him which is why I care and ...

A.   28 July 2018: Actually, OP, unless you're boyfriend is a total masochist he is saying very little about you. We get a lot of posts from people on both sides of the retroactive jealousy issue and in all likelihood he's as innocent in all this as you are. He ... (read in full...)

How can I approach an actress for an autograph when she's unfriendly?

Q.   I’m going to see a favorite theater show at the theater in 2 weeks,. I’d like to say hi and get a photo with 1 of the co actors at stage door after. she’s known for being cold/unfriendly and aloof. She’s very talented and has a sma...

A.   24 July 2018: I think you've posted before about having an obsession with this woman. It's not uncommon for entertainers to be painfully shy, go figure, but there it is. She may also actually be quite humble in that she sees herself as just an actress and does... (read in full...)

Why is my ex's new girlfriend contacting me? Should I confront him?

Q.   I have had no contact with him. All of a sudden I wake up one morning to a rude awakening. A girl that he is allegedly been seeing for 5 months went through the trouble to contact me on Fb. Why? I still have feelings for him which is why I care and ...

A.   24 July 2018: The woman is tormented by retroactive jealousy. She imagines that what her now boyfriend had with you is better than what he has with her so she's sniffing around trying to soothe or confirm her suspicions. I strongly urge you not to respond a... (read in full...)

In a financial crisis, who do you give your last dollar to?

Q.   At the age of 16 years old I knew I never wanted a man with a child. When I met my husband, he had no children which was a plus. Of course we started off as friends but before we actually got into a serious relationship, he slept with one of his ...

A.   14 July 2018: Congratulations on the new job! And thanks for the updates. I give your husband credit for trying to do right by who MIGHT be his daughter, but don't like how he went about it and grumbling about your tiff to the other woman. That was cowardly... (read in full...)

In a financial crisis, who do you give your last dollar to?

Q.   At the age of 16 years old I knew I never wanted a man with a child. When I met my husband, he had no children which was a plus. Of course we started off as friends but before we actually got into a serious relationship, he slept with one of his ...

A.   13 July 2018: Your husband seems to have recovered from the medical condition that prevented him from having kids. So, it's possible he is the father, but just as likely one of the other men is. I'd say a paternity test was in order. My opinion is you did the ... (read in full...)

What do I do when I'm not ready for this to be over and fear that's what will happen if I told him I read that?

Q.   Even my boyfriend and I got together, he told me "You can read my diaries, but do not tell me about it." When I asked about it he said it's because he wants to be understood, but he doesn't want anyone to read his deepest thoughts. So, after his ex ...

A.   30 June 2018: I'm guessing his entries are not about how women find him creepy, or how he screwed up at work and cost his employer a big contract, or the embarrasing pimples on his arse. He's just 'honest' enough to upset you but not enough to humiliate himself. ... (read in full...)

What do I do when I'm not ready for this to be over and fear that's what will happen if I told him I read that?

Q.   Even my boyfriend and I got together, he told me "You can read my diaries, but do not tell me about it." When I asked about it he said it's because he wants to be understood, but he doesn't want anyone to read his deepest thoughts. So, after his ex ...

A.   30 June 2018: This is pure manipulation. He's not trying to nurture honesty, but uncertainty in you. This kind of honesty is supposed to be part of a dialogue and even then there is such a thing as judicious omission. He wants you to want him more than he... (read in full...)

How do I ask for a sex toy?

Q.   I want a sex toy because, I'm a 17 year old girl now. I know after I ask I'm going to say, think of it this way, I'm still a virgin. Most people my age aren't anymore. But the problem is, I have to ask my dad. Not a mom. How do I do this? I'm ...

A.   26 June 2018: A sex toy is a very intimate NON essential. It's totally inappropriate to ask someone else to buy for you, especially a parent or guardian. It's not their job to finance your orgasms. Totally offside. ... (read in full...)

My ex wants to say goodbye!

Q.   My ex of 1 year got a job opportunity in France a few months back and we decided to end it due to the distance. She wants to see me before she leaves but I don’t know if that is a good idea as I’m trying to move on and it may spark old feelings ...

A.   25 June 2018: If you want to meet up to say good-bye then I agree with Honeypie about meeting in a public place for tea or lunch or something. It's easier to keep your feelings in check when you're in public. If you've gotten over a lot of that pain once, yo... (read in full...)

My bf drunk texted his ex FWB and now I feel like I have a right to go through his phone

Q.   My boyfriend of a year and 8 months drunkenly text a girl whom he used to see sexually before we started dating. I feel like I have a right to go through his phone now but at the same time I don’t. He feels terribly about the situation and has since ...

A.   23 June 2018: To anon female: The common courtesy that applied before cell phone and other technology is the same today. The only thing most people could do back then was listen in as the call was happening. It would have been just as rude and intrusive to... (read in full...)

Was I wrong not to thank the ex who agreed we would go “no contact” for the flowers?

Q.   So, my ex fiancé sent me flowers Monday, about a year ago he left me for his ex that he was stuck on. I knew something was wrong but he never admitted it. When she rejected him when he went back home he tired to get back with me. I flat out ignor...

A.   22 June 2018: Another vote for the 'no' camp. Any time you feel guilty, just remember, if things had worked out wonderfully with his ex, you wouldn't even exist to him. Stay the course. ... (read in full...)

My bf drunk texted his ex FWB and now I feel like I have a right to go through his phone

Q.   My boyfriend of a year and 8 months drunkenly text a girl whom he used to see sexually before we started dating. I feel like I have a right to go through his phone now but at the same time I don’t. He feels terribly about the situation and has since ...

A.   22 June 2018: You don't and it wouldn't work. For one thing, no one wants to be on probation forever. Even violent offenders get fed up of being under suspicion when they've 'paid their debt to society'. What happens when he decides he wants his person... (read in full...)

I ask women I sleep with about their opinion on abortion because I don't want kids. How do I know the girl I'm seeing is on the same page?

Q.   So I met a wonderful girl online and we hit it off really well. We kissed on the first date, had lunch on the second, and ended up sleeping with each other on the third when she invited me over to her apartment for pizza and a movie. We used ...

A.   22 June 2018: Leave while it's still early stages. If you're that certain you don't want kids at all, you might consider a vasectomy. No form of contraception is effective 100% of the time and it shouldn't be up to women to protect your reproductive choices ... (read in full...)

I’m conflicted on what to do or feel about my parents!

Q.   Hi all, I posted some time ago. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-this-over-committing-to-him-.html http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-19-years-old-an-age-where-it.html In my previous questions, I basically had an argument with my parents ...

A.   20 June 2018: You've made some progress with your parents and your boyfriend but I suspect the next phase is deciding what not 'over committing' actually LOOKS like. It's easier to agree to generalities. Maybe your parents just need time to SEE that while y... (read in full...)

I know I was stupid for having sex with my ex! What do I do now?

Q.   I split up from my fiancé 7 weeks ago due to not making any time for me I’ve tried talking to him loads of times he just walked out on me whenever I tried talking to him so I ended the relationship I did feel better about it up until Sunday gone he ...

A.   20 June 2018: Then there is nowhere to go from here. Not with him anyway. Block, delete, change locks and phone number if necessary and don't answer your door if he shows up. ... (read in full...)

Should I say I was annoyed about the way he set up meeting his children?

Q.   Should i tell him I felt annoyed? My boyfriend of 5 mths recently invited me over to meet his children of 21 and 16. They were having a takeaway night so thought it would casual. We arranged a time and I went over. I knocked the door but got...

A.   20 June 2018: Oh and that's good advice, by the way, about future meetings on neutral ground. ... (read in full...)

Should I say I was annoyed about the way he set up meeting his children?

Q.   Should i tell him I felt annoyed? My boyfriend of 5 mths recently invited me over to meet his children of 21 and 16. They were having a takeaway night so thought it would casual. We arranged a time and I went over. I knocked the door but got...

A.   20 June 2018: I can understand them not being thrilled to meet dad's new girlfriend, but this isn't a case of faking excitement, but of common sense and basic courtesy. Years ago, a close friend of mine was coming over. She ended up arriving a bit earlier ... (read in full...)

I'm talking all the time to my ex girlfriend who is crying about her life. What can I do?

Q.   Well guys m confused how to think about something , i had a relationship with a girl for almost 5 years everything was great but we had to break up because she left the countery to study far away but we keept contact as good freind few months later ...

A.   17 June 2018: Nothing you can do, as I see it. The circumstances that prevented you from having a relationship haven't changed. In fact there are even more reasons not to resume with her. I think she needs to figure out what she wants and she's not going to... (read in full...)

Who is the weird one, me or him?

Q.   I have this guy friend that I’ve been knowing for almost a year now, we’ve been involved intimately at one point, pretty much on and off. We both have feelings for each other. We recently started conversing again and hung out. We’re both still ...

A.   17 June 2018: 'I made it clear that I am involved with someone else but I still don’t want a relationship with anyone right now' I'm guessing what you meant to say is you are NOT involved with someone else? What would you reach out and text him for? To say ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend is on his phone but does not reply to my texts!

Q.   My boyfriend used to take the initiative to text me in the beginning of the relationship, but lately it has become such that he takes hours to reply to a simple text. I'm not a heavy texter myself. But I noticed that he checks Instagram freque...

A.   15 June 2018: I second Honeypie. ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend often tells me small lies, how do I get him to stop?

Q.   Been tigether 2 years and the past 6 months my boyfriend has the tendancy to change his stories often and its getting to a point where Im always get upset and angry and then we end up in a big argument. Theyre usually small pointless ones, but if he ...

A.   7 June 2018: 'So if I even act slightly surprised, or cross he'll always change his answer?' Um...probably yes, if you make this big a deal of the smallest thing. I agree with the first 2 answers and I'll add that sometimes people make minor adjustme... (read in full...)

My sister’s husband is my ex from high school and he is rude to my boyfriend! And my boyfriend is frustrated by this and that he has to deal with an ex of mine!

Q.   Hello my sister is now married to my ex boyfriend. We broke up in our early 20s. I'm not trying to make myself out to be God's gift to men but he was fixated on me since high school. Flash forward to 2008 and they get married. My sister has isolated ...

A.   30 May 2018: I have to agree with Code Warrior. you can't make others do the right thing (or the wrong thing for that matter). You've done the best you can so maybe it's time to quietly and gradually distance yourself from the both of them. Remember that... (read in full...)

Should I lie and say the baby is his?

Q.   Ive made a mess but now ive got to grow up and sort it out. Me and my 'ex'boyfriend had a break , we didnt say what each other can or cant do and if we were going to get back together. I had a feeling he was seeing someone else but just left him to ...

A.   28 May 2018: Tell him now. You didn't cheat and for all you know he could have knocked up someone else during your break. Imagine years from now your child needs a blood transfusion or he decides to trace his child's roots with a DNA search...you wan... (read in full...)

I accused my boyfriend of lying and now he won't talk to me

Q.   Ok, so I'm not in a really good place right now and I'm hoping for some help. My bf is a super sweet guy but he can also be emotionally distant and introverted. I don't like this part of him and I feel insecure because of it. I'm trying to f...

A.   25 May 2018: Wow. He's married. I did not see that coming. That changes everything. ... (read in full...)

Sister didn't invite me to her birthday but instead asked me to watch her kids. Advise please.

Q.   Sister didn't invite me to her birthday but instead asked me to watch her kids. Advise please. So recently, i got a text from my sister asking me if i could mind her kids on a Saturday night for her birthday (which at the time was about 6 weeks aw...

A.   24 May 2018: Much depends on the relationship you have with your sister. For example, I am the oldest by several years. While I did socialize with my sisters in adulthood some of the time, most things they did together (they were closer in age) and with the... (read in full...)

I accused my boyfriend of lying and now he won't talk to me

Q.   Ok, so I'm not in a really good place right now and I'm hoping for some help. My bf is a super sweet guy but he can also be emotionally distant and introverted. I don't like this part of him and I feel insecure because of it. I'm trying to f...

A.   24 May 2018: Short answer: Your boyfriend's explanation sounds plausible, and is very likely true, and you sound like a psycho. The reason he might be mixing up small details is because they are SMALL, UNIMPORTANT details he has no reason to commit to memory... (read in full...)

My boyfriend is extremely shy, but can put on fake confidence which is starting to worry me

Q.   I don't get my boyfriend lately. After being together for nearly 2 years, i feel that I don't really know who he is sometimes. When we first met until about a year, he was VERY insecure, very shy. The type that would hunch over while walking. And ...

A.   24 May 2018: It seems your boyfriend's progress in overcoming his fears have exposed some latent fears of your own. You may want your boyfriend to be more confident but as long as he's 'extremely shy' you have the security of knowing you won't be abandoned any... (read in full...)

My boyfriend is extremely shy, but can put on fake confidence which is starting to worry me

Q.   I don't get my boyfriend lately. After being together for nearly 2 years, i feel that I don't really know who he is sometimes. When we first met until about a year, he was VERY insecure, very shy. The type that would hunch over while walking. And ...

A.   24 May 2018: Your boyfriend's behaviour is normal for someone who is finding his way, albeit later in life than most do. He's going to over-correct now and again. It's not 'fake'. It's just part of the process. ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend is extremely shy, but can put on fake confidence which is starting to worry me

Q.   I don't get my boyfriend lately. After being together for nearly 2 years, i feel that I don't really know who he is sometimes. When we first met until about a year, he was VERY insecure, very shy. The type that would hunch over while walking. And ...

A.   23 May 2018: I too agree with Honeypie. We gain confidence through experience, trial and error and we do it at an earlier age. Then there are those of us who start to learn this later in life. Maybe he had a difficult upbringing or he's just naturally shy/intr... (read in full...)

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