| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: My husband left his former wife to marry me. I know that it does not usually end up this way and that we are in the minority but we fell in love. We have been together almost 5 years. He dissolved his marriage after 3 years of our being together and we have been married for 2 years. He and his ex wife did not share any children together, therefore it was easier for him to leave. It has been an uphill battle in the trust department for me. He realizes and understands this and has tried hard to be transparent about everything he is doing. But it is becoming more and more difficult each day to live with my lack of trust in him. I am starting to have terrible anxiety and I am feeling depressed most days. I live with the demons which are constantly present in my own mind. I worry about when, where and who he will cheat with next. I find myself scouring his work environment, his gym, or any other places he frequents to see whether there is a decently attractive woman he might like. Or if any woman he crosses paths with might like him. Or, if he flirts with them or shows any interest. I worry about being perfect in bed, like I always used to be. I worry about doing everything right, to please him, so that he won't stray. I worry that I won't be enough. That he is insecure at his core and needs validation. Perhaps the reason he started with me? And now I am left with the worry that another female will always be there to validate him and his ego, the way I did. I worry that now as his wife, he will become too comfortable and too familiar with me and seek out a new mistress eventually. And therefore, I am always on guard, wondering when that will happen. It has torn away my self esteem and my confidence. I am struggling to be the happy, fun, bubbly woman he fell for. It is scary when you feel you are losing yourself and walk around on guard everyday. It is like your own personal hell. Of course all other women seem happy and fun. They do not go through what I do. They have not had to endure the trust issues, nor do they share our history. It is not fair if he would take up with someone else. It is easy to be perfect at the beginning until your flaws are revealed. I sometimes feel that I have been brought down so far that I cannot compete with any other woman. Even if I am prettier, or he loves me or I am the whole package. I feel like all other woman are my competition. I cannot feel like this anymore because the pain is too great. But I don't know how to stop it. The other day I was at my husband's place of work for a luncheon and a woman he works with seemed quite friendly. I was right beside my husband when the conversation took place. But I felt uneasy. I would like to know if my anxiety or insecurities are playing with my mind or whether I have a legitimate concern. She was chatting about business related issues. But she did veer into the personal. For example, she talked about how her husband was so organized and takes care of all the household chores while she works full time. She was detailing how organized he was about everything. Almost to the point of lamenting, although it was not overt. To me, it seemed like she was calling him anal or having OCD. It is how one interprets it but what I got from it is she was trying to say her husband is boring or not fun. She had lots of eye contact with my husband. Wide eyes. She touched him on the shoulder or tried to a few times. She was laughing and joking. Extended the conversation to chit chat in order to keep it going. My husband was acting a little more charming in my opinion. He made clever jokes. He looked at her in the eyes back. At one point, I thought he seemed flirty in his eye contact. It lingered just a little bit too long.We women know when other women find our man attractive. He said she was just being friendly and was talking about work projects she was excited about and that's why her eyes were wide and she was extra friendly. I don't know about that. I mentioned his lingering eyes. He said he had not idea he was doing anything of the sort. He denied it. He said that even if he was doing that, he was not aware and it meant nothing. My husband and I then went into a conversation about flirting and is it cheating? I told him he is always helpful and friendly with the women he works with. He said that women like him because he is friendly and helpful and they feel safe with him, because he isn't a jerk. They feel they can talk to him because he is safe. I told him, well, that could be your "game." How you might groom them. He rolled his eyes and asked me can't people just be friendly and can I not take anything or anyone at face value? He has no game he assured me. Can I say that when we first met he was helpful to me? That he was friendly and nice to me, too. And was very interested in me and made it evident, through the same lingering eye contact.My husband admitted he flirts. He said it is harmless. He doesn't even realize he is doing it. But there is not any serious intention behind it. He turned it around on me, saying I like to flirt with men. I dress sexy and I have a come hither look. That is what he said? I never flirt with other men. I am friendly but never flirt. I do not give a come hither look to other men. Never. But he seems to be able to do that to other women at times. And according to him, it is harmless and there is no intent behind it. Well, if it is harmless and there is no intention to become sexual, WHY BOTHER DOING IT? Especially if you know it hurts your partner's feelings? I told him if he could please stop being so friendly. He said it's just his personality and it is harmless. That I need to get used to it and live with it. He went on to say that if I don't like it, to leave, and not stand there with him while he talks to someone. So he can flirt without me there? I am not sure how that would help me feel better?In the past, before he met me and was married to his ex, my husband was a travelling technician. He traveled all over to various libraries to install and fix their computer systems. Librarians are mostly women. He would attend librarian conventions and stay overnight in a hotel because the conventions were always out of town. One night after a convention, a group of librarians got together for drinks and he was there. He told me he just chit chats and socializes with all of them and one of them tries to grab his belt buckle and unhook his belt get into his pants. He said she was drunk and it was meant to be joke and she took it too far. I wonder if he was encouraging her? Why would any woman be that overtly aggressive without any encouragement? I worry he is that flirty that he pushes women to the edge of making a move on him, and then he declines, or not...?While he was married to his ex, he was once at a party at a cottage of a friend. Group of guys. Except one brought a "date." This guy was hoping to hook up with her. Well, as it ended up, she and my husband sat up late at night in the cottage after everyone went to bed. And chatted. She made a move on him and he said he turned her down. He SAID he did. Apparently she liked my husband instead. But I see it as him making himself available to her by staying with her and being flirty. He was encouraging her. So, it was not her fault.Another time, a woman sent him flirty emails with suggestive pictures. He told me he ignored the emails. But again, a woman does not send suggestive emails without a little encouragement. Am I right?He also told me about a woman in his head office whom he ran into when he was fixing her computer issues. She, too began emailing him and was flirting. He said he may have exchanged an email or two but it stopped after that. It never went any further.Who is the common denominator here? And it seems to me his flirty behaviour has landed him in some very slippery slopes in his past.He is too friendly with women. The type of a man women can talk to. He is helpful, nice, friendly and gives off the good guy vibe. But my worry has been I have been dating and then married a man who was a player all along, and I did not see it. It is becoming harder to live with this man because I am now viewing him as a threat to me. I do not feel safe with him. I have tried many ways to Sunday. But I can't seem to feel comfortable with him and this makes me unhappy. If we have a good day, it does not last very long, as my insecurities and worries keep rearing their head. So, the happiness is short and scattered.I tell him about my worries and he dismisses them and tells me I am paranoid and insecure. He tries to reassure me what we have is special. And that when he strayed from his wife, it was because he fell in love. And that is not something that happens everyday. He has told me that what we have is rare and irreplaceable and lightning will never strike twice. That nobody can every fulfill him and make him as happy as I do. But they are words. I do not always feel his actions back those words up. Especially when he is around women. I feel so uneasy. And I feel like I just disappear and become meaningless.I need help here very badly. Because I fear losing my sanity. I find these anxious thoughts are affecting my life. I do not function everyday the way I should. I have isolated myself from people and from the things I love to do. I feel completely weighted down by the pressure of this anxiety. I need a way to get out from under this before I destroy myself, or he does. Whichever happens first.I am beautiful and kind and so many good things. I have been told this. But this man makes me feel like less when he is flirty. He makes me feel vulnerable and threatened. He makes me feel disrespected. He makes me feel unimportant. How long can I stand by and take this?I love this man with all my heart. I would not have pursued a married individual if it were not love. His marriage was not happy. He stayed for security. Until he met me. I turned his life around. He felt alive again. Important. Vital. I met all his needs, that went ignored for so many years. But I do not know what to do to prevent him from needing a new thrill someday? I know there is nothing I can do. But wait? How do I get past this? I do not want to end this marriage. He and I have come so far. Against all the odds, we have made it work. And to me, it's real. But the anxiety is taking away from me, from us. And I am afraid the fact I am having trouble trusting him will push him away, and increase the possibility he will stray on me, this time, because he is insecure. And once I no longer see him as my hero, he will latch onto a new woman who taps into his deep need to be the hero. I cannot be his cheerleader and ego booster forever without becoming invisible and denying what I need from this relationship, which is to FEEL SAFE WITH HIM. Forever worried I will drop the ball and he will solve his issues the only way he knows how, to escape. From me this time. Will I ever feel safe with him? What can I do to feel safe with him? So that I do not go around feeling depressed and anxious and a shell of the woman he fell for, opening him up to a new affair?
View related questions:
affair, confidence, depressed, drunk, ex-wife, fell in love, flirt, his ex, insecure, mistress, move on, player, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (27 November 2018):
 Sorry sweetheart but, if you won him by cheating, you will lose him to cheating. Leopards and spots come to mind. Why would he treat you any better than his first wife? So you "fell in love"? Just like him and his first wife then? And just like him and his NEXT wife I wouldn't mind betting.
Not a lot anyone can say. He will do what he will do. As my mother used to say, you can't build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 November 2018):
 “Will I ever feel safe with him?” No.
“What can I do to feel safe with him?” Try something new. Seek counseling.
“So that I do not go around feeling depressed and anxious and a shell of the woman he fell for, opening him up to a new affair?” Seek counseling.
I recognize your voice, you are the mistress of the married man. You’ve been upset and distressed about him for 5 years.
You need professional help, if you really want relief from your self-inflicted psychological distress.
Seek counseling.
Seek counseling.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2018): This is the wrong place to get the answers you're looking for OP. If you look at the slant of aunts and uncles here on DC, historically they judge cheaters harshly. You are a human being in pain. Sorry you're suffering. There is no guarantee he will cheat on you. He is a unique individual. Not all men who cheat are serial cheaters or do it again. You and only you must make the decision to trust him. If you can't, it's best you start over.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2018): It was your choice to start ah affair with a married man. There's plenty of people in the world to choose from. You're just hoping you won't get to feel the terrible emotional pain and hurt his ex wife felt. He'll get bored of you one day too
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (27 November 2018):
 There is an expression that always comes to mind in reference to cheating:"If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you." It pretty much says it all. I know that isn't what you want to hear but it rings pretty true. My grandmother would say "You've made your bed now lie in it".
OP, not trying to be harsh here but what did you really expect? You knew the guy was married, you knew what a charmer he was and yet you threw caution to the end and got involved with him and now he's yours. During that blissful time it didn't matter that you were messing around with someone else's husband did it? And now he's all yours but you are afraid and worry that you can't keep him. Maybe you can, maybe you can't. All those qualities of his that seemed so wonderful are all now making you feel insecure and you don't trust him. Let me tell you, if you don't have trust then you basically have NOTHING.
True story: my ex husband cheated on me. He got involved with a co-worker she had been after him since we got married. It didn't matter that he was married, we had a child together. We were very young, we had problems and she just swooped right in. She got him. She got pregnant before we were even divorced, they got married 6 weeks later. 2 years she hung around just waiting like a vulture waiting to swoop in and take the kill. She didn't realize it but by then it was over for me, she could have him.
After they married she became very suspicious of him, watching his every move, hating when he came over to see me and our child. She was so paranoid she would wait out in the car while he seen my daughter. She didn't trust him abit. She was right, she shouldn't have. He got involved with me again for a brief period of time right under her nose. For me it was nothing but revenge but I wanted her to have dose of her own medicine. She couldn't keep him, he cheated on her left and right. He's now been married and divorced 5 times! He was a serial cheater. He would marry, cheat and have a new one lined up before the ink was even dry on the divorce papers.
Is your husband like this? Maybe..maybe not. The odds are you will never trust him and you'll live your whole time with him wondering what if? I am like honeypie...I have little to no sympathy for you. You got what you wanted and now you don't know what to do and you don't feel like he's really yours. He probably isn't. Cheaters cheat! Over and over again.
Either realize what you've got with him and try to come to grips with it and seek out some counselling or divorce him. Sometimes when we get what we think we want, we found out it isn't what we wanted at all. Sucks but thats the way karma is.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2018): Nothing feeds paranoia like a guilty-conscience. Hypocrisy is a kick in the pants! These are hard-lessons we are all destined to face, if we're not careful.
Once upon a time, there was another woman married to the same irresistible devil you thought you had to have. Everything you find so charming in him, is the same thing she must have found attractive. Back when they first met. He's a charmer, a player, a cheat, and now he's yours.
The forbidden-fruit is sweeter; because it's still on the vine, and out of reach. Once you grab it and bite into it; it's yours, girlfriend! Worms, pits, thorns, and all!
Everything you didn't see through your rosy-glasses, now comes into focus. However...guilt has distorted your perception; and you can't be pleased with your prize. It was stolen from another; and now it's tarnished. You were so impressed with yourself; at how easily you were able to entice him from the arms of another woman. What an ego-boost that must have been?
Now, it is what it is! He's your husband. What-if???
You are obsessed with, bewitched by, and addicted to him. Yet you're overcome with the fear he will pull the same number he pulled on his ex-wife. The odds run high for most people who cheat, to cheat more than once. Then maybe not.
Sadly, this is the price one pays when we take someone who belongs to another; before they let-go of them. When you bypass the rules, erase the boundary-lines, and jump in feet-first! Ignoring all divine-warnings not to covet that which belongs to thy neighbor. Show no regard for the pain or suffering we cause others; you can't dismiss the consequences. There are always consequences. They may be delayed; but they come sooner or later.
Oh, surely there's the indisputable argument and justifiable excuse he was not happy with his wife. It was all her fault. Had she been a better wife, he never would have left her in the first-place. Yet he comes with his own story-collection of near-misses and slutty-tales. He was always the victim, but always got-away! Saved by the little angel on his shoulder! You were the exception, of course!
Perhaps you're now experiencing what his ex may have also endured being married to him. The fear that his roving-eye will find someone else. Prettier, younger, sexier,... more perfect. There's always one fairer in the land, girlfriend.
That doesn't mean he always gets what he wants. Only you put that inflated price-tag on your boo. Now every female looking his direction is suspect!
Seriously?!! Is he that well-hung, gorgeous, virile, and rich? Or did you just place him that high-up on his golden-perch above all men? Take him down a few pegs. Perfection resides only in heaven, sweetheart! Remember, he didn't cheat by himself. You helped! He has to trust you too!
You require spiritual-counseling to help you to seek redemption for your poor tortured-soul.
If you have any sort of faith or spiritual-belief; you need help to battle the demons that road into your life piggy-back on a cheating-husband. They've taken residence with your own demons; and they're having a party! Tap-dancing on your fears, and whispering all sorts of horrid scenarios to keep your mind racing and totally ill-at-ease. You've totally lost track of what is real, and what is imagined! That's how paranoia works! Then you add guilt, and the gooey concoction is all the more toxic.
So, if you're agnostic or an atheist; we must rely entirely on what earthbound-remedies are at your disposable.
A therapist will help you to regain some of your focus and help you start seeing this man as a mere mortal being. He can't be everywhere at the same time; or be attractive to every woman he meets. You have placed such a high appraisal on his worth as a man; you've devalued yourself in the process. You need help, and you might not find peace; until you can live with the fact he has eyes, flesh, and feelings; and he will look at other women. With no intentions!
You can't read his mind, and what you don't know will always hurt you! That is, if you rely strictly on your jealousy; and succumb to the everlasting-fear of getting your payback.
No, his ex-wife isn't sticking pins in dolls or hexing you! This is all home-grown paranoia!
You may never feel safe with him; because you know what he is capable of. That was always out in the open, and sitting right in-front of you. You took him. and married him.
Once Eve bit the forbidden-fruit, and all hell broke lose. She couldn't hang it back on the tree. She had to live with the consequences. She survived, but life wasn't paradise any more. God even forgave them both. He's cool like that!
Now he's yours. He did the honorable thing, and he married you. He didn't just use you and discard you; then return to his wife. Like most cheaters would. He kept his promise, and he left her for you. I doubt he's ready to go through another divorce; and you've already declared there's no-way you're giving-up your prize. So chill. He's not all that!
Get some professional-counseling. If you have faith, seek divine forgiveness to find your peace. Prayer brings comfort. You've endured your tribulation and anguish. You now deserve some peace and redemption. Tell your Creator how sorry you are, and this will all be behind you. Once you make a breakthrough with your therapist, you can exhale. Reduce him from demigod to human-level. He's also replaceable. We all are!
If you've traded your soul for this man, don't be surprised that you feel you've paid too high of a price. Back in the day, that exaggerated happiness was the thrill of cheating. The saccharin-sweetness was of a stolen-romance; while blindly appealing to the vanities that tell us we are entitled to whatever we want. Well, sometimes our payback is more than we bargained for. Thus, you're scared to face what she did!
In the end, it's all in your mind; and the devil is a tremendous liar. He had to put his fingerprints on it. Now go get some help and get your head right, girlfriend!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2018): You know what I think is really destroying you here? Your own guilt at what YOU did and you are in denial about to this day. I think you struggle with being the "kind" woman you go out of your way to describe yourself as, yet you willingly and knowingly went ahead and ruined someone else's marriage.
You did it, and he did it, and it is over now. You have to move on, and find a way to forgive both yourself and your now husband.
I will say, I find these sentences beyond ironic:
"It is not fair if he would take up with someone else. It is easy to be perfect at the beginning until your flaws are revealed."
Do you not think this is EXACTLY the case with his ex-wife. How was it fair for YOU to come along and seem cheery and perfect. Guess what, that is ALWAYS the way- women who can be cheery and perfect at work or socially, because guess what they don't have to deal with REAL DAILY LIFE and nagging, and boredom, and all the things that come with that. I'm sure his ex wife thought the exact same thing when you came along.
Look- there is no guarantee he isn't going to cheat again. Obviously he is a flirt, and enjoys women.
But you made the choice to put your faith and love in him, so now you have to follow through with that faith and trust. You got what you wanted and it still isn't enough. Maybe you should have thought about that before turning everyone's life upside down.
Either you find a way to trust him (or at least stop nagging him about it) and move forward, or leave. You made the choice to become a cheater and marry a cheater, it is too late to cry foul now and you can't have it both ways. If you believed in your love THAT much that it was worth parting a marriage, then you can believe in it enough to put your trust in him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2018): Lots of harsh responses but that is Dearcupid for you, no one has to lip synch and feel sorry for your plight.
All the advice is accurate i am afraid, in that you don't trust him because you know how you both started out. You also make the fatal mistake of actually making excuses and putting the blame on his ex wife, MAYBE he has always been like this and she ended up as you feel?
If he was a decent man he would have left his wife THEN started seeing you, but he didn't so the fairy tale 'He loved me and against all odds married me' doesn't wash.
Now you find yourself thinking up ways to try and keep him, to be 'Perfect' except if you knew he loved you unconditionally you would not have to pretend and look at ways to keep him. The reason why you are suffering is lack of trust AND you don't feel he would love you for jut being yourself.
Of course there is nothing wrong with not resting on your laurels, to make an effort in all areas of your marriage is fine, i make that effort with my partner, except it is not for fear he will tire of me and go off, just that no one needs to become a slob and not work on their relationship, you are driven by fear.
Here is the thing and i realised this when my daughters dad left me, you CANNOT change what they may or may not do. You can worry until the cows come home but if he is going to do it he will regardless of how much you worry and try to keep him.
I suffer from anxiety in a different way to you. I don't fret about if my partner will stray or cheat on me because for one i trust him, we met and there was no third parties on either side and secondly if he was going to there is not a damn thing i can do to change that. He works with women, he goes out with friends but truth is if he was going to, no amount of worrying, trying to be perfect and watching his every move in my company would change that.
Sooner or later you have to let it go. Yes you are married to a man who seemingly is charming with the ladies, does it mean he will cheat based on that? No. Your relationship started off in a bad light, BUT taking aside the negativity he did leave her and he did marry you. Will he do it again, no one can say, but sorry to say this if you continue how you are doing it will become more likely, i know this, it happened to me, he cheated and left me with a baby, all the efforts i made and worrying amounted to nothing to change that.
So look at ways to build trust, look at ways to find yourself, look at ways to reduce worry and anxiety and taking all that aside now you have him do you honestly really want to be with him, does he make YOU happy and safe?
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 November 2018):
 Unfortunately, this is your karma. He betrayed his wife for 3 years and you were an accomplice in that, so neither of you can really trust each other. You fell in love? They all do - the mistresses, that is. It took 3 years before he decided you were worth leaving for, so it’s understandable that you’re struggling with it.
Time for couples’ counselling. No relationship will last without 100% trust and how can two cheaters have that? Certainly not without professional help.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (26 November 2018):
 If there is no trust in a relationship then you might as well call it doomed. I would say that trust is one of the biggest contributing factors that make a relationship work.
You don't trust him, and the reason you don't trust him is because you are aware of the measures he took to be with you.
Would he do the same to you?. who knows, if he went behind his wife's back to be with you, then then the answer is probably yes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 November 2018):
 Well, this is kind of the "norm" for marriages that started out as an affair.
With 40-50% of "normal" marriages ending in divorce, the divorce rate for marriages that began as an affair as a bit above 80%. And I would venture a guess that TRUST ISSUES are the BIGGEST killer of these and really all marriages that fail.
He was probably ALWAYS somewhat of a flirt. Maybe that is even how he GOT you interested. And while it was OK for him to do that, while married to his first wife... because YOU got something out of it, you now want him to change.. because now it's a point of worry for you.
It's a "little" ironic, that you didn't give a shit about having an affair with a married man then and cheating on his wife WITH him, but you CERTAINLY don't want to be the one being cheated on.
You say he wasn't "complete" until he met you and you met ALL his needs... Well, that is a nice song and dance OP. Maybe part of what he DIDN'T want was the routine of married life.
While I will say that a person can flirt and NOT be wanting sex, to cheat or be interested in the other person - YOU know your husband and you have seen how he flirts.
So what can you do? Live with the fear that you will get replaced? Or, accept that he is who he is and keep meeting all those NEEDS of his for attention and affection - like you did when you had the affair with him.
I'm sorry I can't really find any sympathy for you.
Maybe try finding a counselor for you or for you both.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 November 2018):
 This is the thing with marrying a cheat. You will always have that in the back of the mind, what’s to say you won’t cheat though? You’re just as bad as him, you contributed to the downfall of his marriage so get off your high horse acting like you did a favour.
If he makes you feel disrespected, vulnerable and unimportant, does that sounds like he loves you? What person would willingly make their partner feel that way? I don’t get why you would stay with someone who makes you feel this way, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. How can you love someone who you describe as making you feel depressed? Do you not realise how stupid that sounds?
Either suck it up or leave him, you knew what kind of man you were getting involved with, you made your bed so lay in it.
...............................
|
