A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thanks My husband and I have been married for two years. I love in Canada and he is from Nigeria. For the most part he treats me well he is very charismatic. Tells me he loves me many times predates. I’m working on his permanent visa at the moment. I have been to see him several times and I spend at least 1 month per visit. My issue is I can’t ask him questions if I do he gets mad easily. Let me make it clear their not anything invasive. Then he will ignore me for hours and tell me to shut up I’m dumb and stupid. In his culture this seems to be somewhat normal I have told him it’s not normal here and I dislike it. Another issue is money. There is always a need for money. I understand their usually poor there and yes I have helped many times but I feel like it’s not adding up. I sent him 625.00 last week and he said he is broke. I don’t know how he can be broke when my dollar is double to his. When I bring that up he tells me to quiet asking dumb questions and he has bills. Is anyone here Nigerian that can clear this up for me? This money seems to be lots for down there
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019): Don't take offense to the firm answers you've received. They are not intended as insults as one anonymous reader put it. They are frank answers to shake you up a little.
When people are loving and trusting; sometimes they are gullible and easy to take advantage of. Sound advice is often dismissed; because the heart is stubborn. Firm words are sometimes necessary to gain your attention. We aim to provoke thought; and to open your eyes to what you're dealing with.
I do believe he is scamming you, and you should stop sending him money. If he is your husband, it's about time that he does something for you; other than sweet-talk you. You're the one filing the necessary immigration paperwork. What's he doing?
I hope no offense was taken; because I shoot from the hip and I don't sugarcoat answers when I see someone could be in trouble. People in-love are not easy to advise. Sometimes they are unlikely to accept advice that could save them from a horrible situation.
We're sounding-off an alarm, not trying to insult you! We're all on your side!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019): Hi I’m the OPI want to thank some of you for your good advice. Especially the lady who was very sensitive on here that understood Yes, I really was there several tones and one month per visit. Yes we met online and he was so so sweet and charming. I went to Visit him and he was so good to me he took care of me well there. I fainted from heat exhaustion and he took care of me. He is loving and caring and I was in a venerable state when we met. I had lost my fiancée of several years to a car accident. I was lonely and didn’t think I’d love again. He made me feel those things again. Something I never thought I’d feel. Nigerians are notorious for scamming this I know and I am not naive. I felt that was VERY POSSIBLE in my situation. I still feel it’s a possibility. It’s a different type of culture and men are dominant and they feel it’s appropriate to speak to some women with a lack of respect ( not all ,but some men certainly do) He was raised to think he is superior and entitled and I keep telling him this is back ward thinking. Women are equal and talk to me with respect. It’s not easy for him to change his ways and I can’t make him unless he truly wants to. However I won’t pit up with that talk any longer. I have confided in my girlfriend today and she was very surprised about everything. I know you’re right he is definitely doing crazy irresponsible things with this money and I have chosen not to enable him any longer. My priority is to me and my needs. I have put my needs on hold to help him too much and I will no longer do that. I am prepared to lose him if the money is that important to him. I thank most of you for your advice. God bless
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019): I’m really sorry but it definitely sounds like you are being scammed. If he loves you, he will continue to love you even if you stop sending him money. Have you met him in person? Have you spent significant amounts of time with him in person? Do you REALLY know him? Or are you just in love with his online persona? I would stop sending him money and speak with your bank, and the police, about your concerns. However, sadly, I doubt you will ever see any of the money you have sent him again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019): I would apologize to you for some of the aunts that have previously responded to you, by insulting you. That is not helpful and inconsiderate. the I believe (along with I think all the other answers) that you are a victim of a scam artist. Again, you are being victimized. You are not stupid, you are not dumb. You are not a bad person at all! You just fell for a scam, which could happen to anyone, even very intelligent people. Your husband is surely very charismatic, and found some weakness or vulnerability in you that he exploited to take your money. These sorts of scams are so terrible. They can ruin people not only financially but emotionally as well. I am so sorry and you may not want to hear any of this, even so I urge you to talk to a trusted friend or family member who can give you an outside perspective that you trust. Ask them to support you and help you to stop sending money to your husband.When you stop sending him money, he will try to emotionally blackmail you. He will get pitiful, he will get angry, he will try to guilt you, anything to turn back on the money tap and move the visa application along. You will need your family and friends to support you so you can stop falling for his tricks. Get a therapist to help if possible, and talk to the police, to see if they have a department that deals with these types of scams. You should also look through any documents he has sent to you, like your marriage certificate, any identifications, etc to see if they are even real. It is not unheard of for these scammers to fake a marriage in their own country to keep a victim on the hook. Does it have misspellings? are the places and addresses on these real?You are a good giving and thoughtful person who does not deserve to be treated this way, and who deserves to be loved and respected. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is not because you did anything wrong, or because there is anything wrong with you. You are a victim of fraud. Please reach out for help. R
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019): Listen carefully. He is using you for money and a Visa. I was with A NIGERIAN for 15 years and although he gained his citizenship all by himself and eared his own money, I did travel to Nigeria and I met men like your husband.Why on earth did you marry him? Is he younger than you? It is not normal to be spoken to like that anywhere in the world so your view on that is wrong. Stop sending him money and stop the visa process. I am afraid that if you get him into the country he will dump you once he has received his permanent residency. You will then be financially responsible for him for 10 years because of the affidavit you need to sign to get the visa. Stop being stupid.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (14 February 2019):
 You *are* being scammed. These guys have many "wives", the good ones having stables of 10, 20, and even 30+ women whom they always never seem to get to move to live with, always seem to need "additional paperwork" or bribes to pay officials to get visas to him. Let me guess, you're working on getting him a visa through HIM? You've been giving HIM the money to try to get his visa and not filing paperwork yourself and paying officials directly? Does that sound familiar?
You say you're from Canada? There's an epidemic of people from Nigeria "marrying" Canadian citizens fraudulently, running up massive financial debts that the Canadian is on the hook for, and then disappearing. Here's the announcement and warning from the Canadian government on exactly what you're going through:
https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/news/video/marriage-fraud-stories-victims.html
You need to see this.
In fact, recently in the United States, there was a Nigerian marriage RING busted recently that featured GANGS who worked together to hook needy men or women to "Marry" them in order to drain their finances and use them as cattle. Here's the United States Embassy warning:
https://www.ice.gov/news/releases/nigerian-marriage-fraud-leader-and-2-associates-convicted-houston
Read carefully. To further be in denial is to destroy every aspect of your financial life as well as your emotional and physical well-being.
Get a lawyer, do some research on this "husband" of yours, and get yourself the hell out of this mess as FAST as possible! I'm highly suspecting that your marriage isn't and has never been valid in either Nigeria nor Canada.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 February 2019):
 Just a minute- now that I think of it :
2 years married and he is still in Nigeria ? How come ?
Canada has the fastest time for Spousal Sponsorship ( only a few months, if the legal requisite are met ) plus : it also allows the spouse to live with their partner while the application is being processed.
Something does not quite add up there- and this is a good thing, in the sense that I really hope for you that actually you haven't yet legally married him. In this case- don't. Enjoy the memories, if they were good- and cut him loose. If you bring him into Canada the money drain would never stop and he might destroy you financially.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 February 2019):
So,let me understand : you are saying that you are paying good money to be told to shut up and be called dumb and stupid ? You regularly reward with money verbal abuse, disrespect and bad manners ?... Excuse me, but- why ?, are you a masochist ?... Who frigging cares if in Nigeria that's normal ! It may be sort of true, from what I can see among the Nigerian immigrant community here, it's a very male-dominated culture, there's a lot of machoism going on , but, again, who frigging cares: you are not Nigerian, you are Canadian, you don't live in Nigeria, you live in Canada ! If Nigerian women must or want to put up with this kind of crap, - too bad for them, you don't have to , and should NOT put up with it, and least of all yoi should reward bad behaviour with monetary gifts !
Also, who frigging cares if he is " charismatic ". Che Guevara was charismatic, Mick Jagger was charismatic. But you don't want to start a revolution or sing in front of moltitudes, you want a decent marriage. And a decent husband does not need being charismatic ; he needs to be honest, sincere, respectful , responsible and hard working. Yours is not. I seriously doubt you can change him into something he is not, but you surely do not promote changes , if you pay him for treating you like crap !
As for what he needs his money for, and where he spends it, I'd say you have a pretty good idea, don't you ? You wrote already mentioning that he has a large family, and a large group of friends whom he helps out and he parties all the time with ( with your money ), and that you argued about that ( and he told you that this is normal in Nigeria…) So you already know that your money ...enables half a village, or half a neighborhood, to live it up and have quite some fun.
It can't be for his bills, if you have already been to Nigeria several times already , I am sure you have noticed that the cost of living is much lower as compared to your country. 625 canadian dollars are approx. 480 euro, and 480 euro is a lot of money there . If you consider that a family there spends for all their bills about 60 euros monthly, that a liter of gasoline costs about 0,32 cents , 12 eggs about 1 euro, 1 kg. of meat about 2 euro,...and so on and so forth, yes, obviously 625 canadian dollars ( 480 euro ) are not just to support him and pay his bills. I'd bet he's spreading around quite some cheer with your money ! Unless of course, he needs them for drugs or gambling,- hopefully not; but you can bet that he does not need money just for his " bills ".
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (14 February 2019):
 Oh for goodness sake.
You are being SCAMMED. I always think how stupid must people be to fall for these scam emails and things you see online, but in the back of my mind think someone out there must fall for them or they wouldn’t still be being sent out. You’re clearly one of those people.
How on earth did you even find this guy? I sold a camera on eBay not long back, it was purchased at a very overpriced but it now mark within 4 minutes of being listed. The ‘buyer’ then proceeded to message me and ask if I could change the delivery address for an additional £100 pounds on an already unrealistic price. Can you guess where they asked me to send it? You got it, Nigeria.
African men are notorious for contacting women of different nationalities to marry and rinse of their cash. Even if he did move over, asking for money wouldn’t stop and he would wire the money over to his friends and family so you are financing their lifestyle whilst they sit on their ass. Are you truly that desperate that you’re looking past this obvious scam just so you have a ‘partner’? He clearly has no respect for women and calls you stupid when you ask him questions, sounds like a catch. I do have to agree though you’re being very stupid on this one. What would your friends and family think if they found out what you were doing?
Get a grip, stop wasting your money.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 February 2019):
 Dear Mrs OP, you are the one who will have the most experience with Nigerians and the culture there. You’ve been married for 2 years and have traveled there several times for a month at a tine. I’m perplexed as to why you are confused about the expectations of your husband.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you haven’t actually spent several months there. I think you are the victim of a very clever scammer.
I agree that you should seek legal counsel. Where did you get married?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019): Oh wow. Can someone get me a Canadian wife wife who will send me money and get me a visa to come to Canada? Joking of course.
Honey you are being taken for a ride. Wake up.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 February 2019):
 There’s a 99% chance you’re being scammed - husbands who are genuine don’t ask for money like that and behave so poorly. Sorry, OP, but it’s time to get a lawyer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019): I might add, he may have several other women doing the same thing you're doing! He's living like a prince! That's what he probably tells gullible women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019): What would you actually listen to? I mean really?!!
You made this man your husband who doesn't even live in the same country. He mysteriously asks for money, with no explanation. He's spending it as he pleases; and probably on other women.
Of course he's nice to you, you're his favorite ATM! You're getting what you pay for!
What decent man takes money from women? Why'd you go marry a broke-ass full-grown man, living on another continent demanding money from you? Then insults you for asking what he's doing with it. If he was Canadian, would you not ask him?
He's your husband. Give him the money. You married him. Like you don't live on the same planet; with all the foreign scams from Nigeria, you go and marry a man who takes money from you.
Stop sending it. See what happens.
No, keep sending it; until you learn your lesson. If you're lucky, they'll deny the visa!
I'm being quite blunt with you for a reason. It's tough-love to snap you out of whatever kind of a daze you're in.
How is asking another Nigerian supposed to tell you what your husband is up to? They don't all know each other.
They don't all have a joint-consciousness and a collective reason for doing things. The one you should be asking is the one you've married and sending your money to!!!
If you met him on the internet; I rest my case.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 February 2019):
 When I hear Nigeria, all I think think is SCAMMMMM!!!
Because Nigeria is one of the TOP nations known for scamming, ESPECIALLY "romance scamming". Why are you giving him THAT much money? Why not save it up for vacations, buying a house, a car, something that will be there in a week, a month a year or 10?
He spend $625 in a week, in a country where the cost of living is CHEAP. DIRT cheap in some places.
Does he not work? If so, WHY not? WHY are YOU taking care financially of him? Do you plan to do that when he get to Canada too? Is he your "boy-toy" or a GROWN ass man who OUGHT to take care of himself or at least NOT be a financial BURDEN on you.
He doesn't respect you, at all. I don't GIVE a single F of what "seems like the norm in Nigeria" someone calls you dumb, stupid and tells you to shut up... DO NOT RESPECT you one itty bitty ounce. And you WANT to bring this man to Canada? To be STUCK with him on a daily basis? You think he will STOP all that when he comes lives OFF you in Canada?
What skills does he have? What jobs can he do in Canada?
Why is he not IN Canada yet, after 2 years of marriage? Is your marriage VALID in Canada?
And what happens if you tell him, no you can't have any more money? He will ignore you... right? UNTIL YOU give in and shut up about your questions or give him what he wants.
Is that REALLY the kind of marriage you want?
I'm sorry, OP I get that he might be "charismatic" and mostly lovey dovey with you... Be he is also a man who treats you like an ATM and like dirt.
https://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/country_result.jsp?country=Nigeria&displayCurrency=USD
He PROBABLY lives like a "king" on your dime. Giving money and living it up with friends and family AT YOUR cost. I don't really see this man being all too interested in moving to Canada.
I don't know what to say other then I don't get it. If he can not give you a budget or SHOW you what he spend the money on... why keep giving him money? Because you are his wife? Are you kidding?
Are you THAT wealthy that you can just throw money out the window? Or are you living frugally so HE can live it up in Nigeria?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2019): I'd be interested to know how you met this guy. It sounds as if you have fallen prey to a Nigerian scammer. They look for older and/or vulnerable women who will believe their cons. Their reasons are to marry you in order to obtain a way to enter your country and to gain access to your money. Asking you to send money or asking for your bank account number is common. My advice to you is to have this marriage annulled or at the very least stop sending him money.
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