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*atherly Advice agony aunt

*atherly Advice

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*atherly Advice's profile:

I'm in my early 50's. Married to my first wife. I have three adult daughters. I also have an adult son. I figure I've been around the block a few times. I do tend to be old fashioned in my advice, because I believe that old solutions can fit new problems. I am religious but I try to keep an open mind. I try to give my advice to the younger folks from the point of view of a friendly father. For older couples I use my own experience more.

I've been involved with online communities for over a decade. I seem to be very comfortable with this interface. I think it is important to remember, at all times, that everyone here is a real person.

Latest articles:

An old Uncle muses

No replies yet...

30 March 2017: My style of posting has been going through some changes and I thought I should share what's going on and why these changes. I'm rapidly moving into empty nest. I have 2 Daughters still living at home and they are both looking for their on place. ...

10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the cur10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the curbb

This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

29 August 2014: Cindy wrote an excellent article:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ten-best-ways-for-a-woman-to-be.html I felt that the article needed a counterpoint for the guys. I've sure read about a lot of guys mistakes and while I'm sure I will miss some, he...

Rejection

This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

21 October 2013: I just commented on a post by a guy who had a long history of rejection. The post tickled my memory all the way back to Junior High School (12 years of age). I was rejected a lot. I've got to say that out of the 15 or so girls in my class 10 ...

Wanted: Unattached Male

This question has 9 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

22 October 2010: I stumbled onto a news article online that has got me thinking. It was so much like a question here on "Dear Cupid". The author had just been through a breakup and was Writing advice based on her experience. She entitled the article something ...

Confessions of an Agony Uncle

This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 April 2009: On the 4th of November 2008 I signed up for a name and posted my first answer on this site. It was some quiet advice on career choices. Last night I posted my 100th. Just a bit of general advice on sex. In between I've gotten my ire up about ...

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Our sexual needs are different

Q.   My girl friend and I got in an argument last night about sex. I get tired it’s me who wants sex. She never starts it, and now she is too tired, because of work, one full time job an one part time job. I realize that, but now it’s the holidays. She ...

A.   11 December 2017: You need to reduce the stress in her life give her more time to relax and rest. Start by not asking her out on dates. Not calling her up. Not sending texts or gifts. You get the idea. Pretty much not contacting her. Once a month is the defi... (read in full...)

Jealous of our unfair treatment

Q.   Before I get into it, I'm well aware of the bad rep age regressors have. I know what many of you think of us, but please just refrain from passing judgment. I've heard it all already anyway. I regress to ease anxiety, depression, the bad thoughts...

A.   6 December 2017: I think that your regressing is clouding my advice on this one. I keep thinking of you as younger than you are. I'm not sure that is the best way reach you. But I'm also worried that addressing you as a 30 something may also not reach you. R... (read in full...)

How can I get over this embarrassment?

Q.   This boy I like knows I was spanked and now I can’t face seeing him ever again. Me and my brother got caught skipping class. Mom was so pissed she had us stay in our rooms all afternoon. When dad came home, my brother got to go down stairs but cus ...

A.   6 December 2017: The legal / ethical conversation about spanking of children or teens is clouded in the US by varied cultures and state laws. Personally, I found it very ineffective quite early on. I'm much more interested in how you justify your decision to cut ... (read in full...)

How do I let go of these obsessive thoughts about his past?

Q.   I have met my boyfriend last year and Im so happy with him. The only thing that bothers me is that I keep digging up the past - one day I woke up and wondered, did he really was with me and only me from day one of us knowing each other? This s...

A.   5 December 2017: That is a basket full of problems. Lets take them apart a bit. Jealousy (retroactive jealousy) What ifs Trust These problems are related but it is easier to tackle them one at a time. Retroactive jealousy is jealousy over things that happened... (read in full...)

Should the other woman tell his wife about the affair?

Q.   Should the other woman tell his wife about the affair? I know many would use harsh and negative remarks on such question. I did no Contact and he reached out and I caved in. I am thinking of telling his wife so that I can move on for good forever...

A.   28 November 2017: I'm going to look at this situation from a different angle. There is a school of thought out there that says that the spouse of a cheater should never be told about the affair because they are innocent, and it will hurt them. I don't follow that ... (read in full...)

Help me deal with this pee fetish?

Q.   Dear Aunts and Uncles, I have a problem I've never confessed to anyone and I certainly can't blurt it out to my pastor at the altar. I can't tell him in private either bc when people of the church sin, he brings it to everyone's attention so we ca...

A.   27 November 2017: Thank you for your followup. I'm not going to jump on the Cult bandwagon because the term is often used inappropriately. The practices of your local church are scary to me as well. Both the preaching against psychology and the suppression of a ... (read in full...)

I thought I could taste latex condom on my husband while giving him oral, he says I'm crazy but I'm ready to file for divorce

Q.   My husband asked me to give him oral sex. He had just taken a shower. We’re about to have sex, I go down on him and I put his penis in my mouth. I tasted the strangest taste of condom. I was in disbelief. I pulled away saying to myself I’m. Crazy. ...

A.   27 November 2017: I feel like you really need some good advice, but I'm just not sure where to go with it. As much as I don't like the way he is handling your accusations, I don't know what else he can do. You essentially came to him with a question about which you ... (read in full...)

Help me deal with this pee fetish?

Q.   Dear Aunts and Uncles, I have a problem I've never confessed to anyone and I certainly can't blurt it out to my pastor at the altar. I can't tell him in private either bc when people of the church sin, he brings it to everyone's attention so we ca...

A.   25 November 2017: I feel that this is more of a religious question for you. While confessing your sin is admirable, you will also need to forsake it. That means putting blocking software on all of your phones and computers. I would highly suggest that you confess ... (read in full...)

Mum kept hitting me with a shoe

Q.   I can't talk to my mum and I think she's being abusive. So this is the thing right. My mum just loses it all the time. It's like there's a war going on in my house. It always happens when I come home from school. We just yell at each other. She ...

A.   14 November 2017: You and your Mum are having a trouble common to adults who live together. Every adult, and almost adult thinks they should be able to make their own decisions about how and when the housework will be done. But in order to live together we have to ... (read in full...)

Pouting Boyfriend when sex takes a back seat

Q.   For 5 years, I've been with a man, 54yrs, who has treated me like a queen. Always very courteous, has all those "good ol' morals" of our generation. I don't think I would ever find another man like him and I'm not looking. Over these years....the ...

A.   11 November 2017: It is unusual here for an original poster to create a name and write such a long post, then never come back to follow up. This post is just to say, I hope our replies were helpful, and we would love to hear back from you.... (read in full...)

Will we be able to get back together in the future?

Q.   My ex and I broke up six weeks ago after living together for two years, and being together for three. He's a classical musician and is applying for jobs in other cities - there are a very limited number of jobs in full time orchestras in the ...

A.   11 November 2017: Oh you are in love with an artist. Generally we tell people that you are broken up because something is broken, but in your case you are broken up because the schedule isn't working. Here is some wild advice from a guy that grew up with arti... (read in full...)

Are boxers not for everyone?

Q.   I've read that wearing boxers is better than briefs but how do other guys out there hide their erections in these things? I get easily aroused and sometimes get boners even when I'm not not excited... And it clearly juts out of my pants. Are boxers ...

A.   11 November 2017: What you have read is correct in every way. From a strictly health point of view the male sex organs take care of themselves best when they are loose and free to move. But that isn't really the question is it? Boner control is the question. Whi... (read in full...)

I'm afraid to have sex with my boyfriend

Q.   I'm afraid to have sex with my boyfriend... I've been seen this guy for 3 months now and things are moving forward. However, every time we start getting intimate, I freak out and stop all interactions. I'm a virgin and this is the first pro...

A.   11 November 2017: Is there any way you can, without being to graphic, explain what you mean by "he's done stuff to me and me to him."? That would help us understand your level of intimacy. Aside from that I'm willing to give you some general advice. I just want... (read in full...)

There is no intimacy in our marriage .... is my wife having an affair?

Q.   I have been married for 15 years. Beginning of marriage the sex life was great. Then all of sudden I had to wear a condom didn't want me to orgasm inside her. The kissing stopped was only just a peck on the cheek or lips. Once a month she has dinner ...

A.   9 November 2017: I don't think that the possibility of an affair is as low as you are being told. She has means and opportunity. Motive is the question. She is telling you (through her actions) that one of three things is true. 1 She doesn't love you. 2 She is n... (read in full...)

Am I wrong to want my boyfriend to stop looking at porn online?

Q.   Dear aunts and uncles, I'm only 21 and have been in one relationship which I'm currently in so I don't have much knowledge. My boyfriend's penis looks nothing like the ones I saw in porn.It isn't straight...it kinda twists a bit. Plainly put, it ...

A.   6 November 2017: Well that's new! A woman complaining that her guy doesn't look like a porn star. These complains are usually the woman complaining that her boyfriend must be comparing her to a porn star. So your whole body of evidence for your claim that he is m... (read in full...)

Pouting Boyfriend when sex takes a back seat

Q.   For 5 years, I've been with a man, 54yrs, who has treated me like a queen. Always very courteous, has all those "good ol' morals" of our generation. I don't think I would ever find another man like him and I'm not looking. Over these years....the ...

A.   6 November 2017: Well I tried to write some advice to you based on this situation. But it came out as advice that your boyfriend needs. All I can offer you is an interpretation of what is going on with him. His emotional needs are not being met in the relation... (read in full...)

A coworker eats smelly food right next to me!

Q.   Hi everyone, this might sound like a trivial problem but it’s really bothering me. I recently started a new job and the man that sits next to me is a bodybuilder and as such eats an entire tub of cottage cheese at his desk every day at 9am. I think ...

A.   3 November 2017: well I guess everyone has their trigger. Bravo to you for handling boiled eggs and tuna. I'm pretty sure grazing all day at a sit down job is not a great plan for body building. Where I work now there is no lunch / break area. Fortunately I ... (read in full...)

A coworker eats smelly food right next to me!

Q.   Hi everyone, this might sound like a trivial problem but it’s really bothering me. I recently started a new job and the man that sits next to me is a bodybuilder and as such eats an entire tub of cottage cheese at his desk every day at 9am. I think ...

A.   3 November 2017: Sorry for some reason I thought this thread would be about Vietnamese food. Here is what I suggest. He should switch from Cottage Cheese to Tuna fish (canned) it is a much leaner source of protean. Also after a week or two of that, you woul... (read in full...)

He wants to propose and I'm just not ready!

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. Recently, he has been hinting A LOT that he wants to proposed. He also keeps asking me to find time for him to see my mom.. I know he wants to ask her. Any girl would be super happy... and I am happy... ...

A.   2 November 2017: Dear OP, Thanks for the follow up. You are searching for a solid reason for not advancing the relationship to something more committed. Engagement, marriage, or even cohabitation. You have clearly and concisely listed all of the great things abou... (read in full...)

How can I stop thinking about this teacher?

Q.   How do I get over thinking about a former teacher. I’m 21 years old and ten years ago, I had a huge crush on my teacher. Whenever I felt I needed to talk to someone he was always there. He was also the reason I became so close with my best friend ...

A.   31 October 2017: Thanks to Denizen, I'll add a bit of additional advice. The fact that this obsession is something you want to be done with is a good thing. Often people have unwanted thoughts. Dreams can trigger them. In fact this morning I woke from a drea... (read in full...)

I love my long term partner but feel a spark for a coworker!

Q.   Hi, i'm in a situation i never thought i'd be and i need advice, because i can't talk about it with anyone..I'm in a longterm relationship (7 years). I love my partner, although i can't deny that our relationship is much of a rutine now. We live ...

A.   31 October 2017: OK Here are some things to think about: Relationships with coworkers are difficult at best, and often prohibited. It would be better if you weren't working at the same place. A relationship with mismatched sex drives is always going to be frustr... (read in full...)

He wants to propose and I'm just not ready!

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. Recently, he has been hinting A LOT that he wants to proposed. He also keeps asking me to find time for him to see my mom.. I know he wants to ask her. Any girl would be super happy... and I am happy... ...

A.   31 October 2017: I actually disagree with most of the advice here. 4 years is quite a long relationship. When you talk about your life and your space, it looks as if you are not the type of person willing to share a life, or share space with another. But it could ... (read in full...)

Why would he say "I love you" if he has no intention of changing his life for you?

Q.   If a married man you've been involved in a long term relationship with tells you he loves you, could he really mean it, even if he will never leave his wife to be with you? It's a terrible predicament to be in when you realize you now love this ma...

A.   29 October 2017: I often feel harsh to state the obvious in this kind of situation. You ask the common question in an interesting way. Could he really mean it when he says he loves you? Well he says the same thing to his wife. He means it as much to her as he d... (read in full...)

Why would he say "I love you" if he has no intention of changing his life for you?

Q.   If a married man you've been involved in a long term relationship with tells you he loves you, could he really mean it, even if he will never leave his wife to be with you? It's a terrible predicament to be in when you realize you now love this ma...

A.   29 October 2017: I often feel harsh to state the obvious in this kind of situation. You ask the common question in an interesting way. Could he really mean it when he says he loves you? Well he says the same thing to his wife. He means it as much to her as he d... (read in full...)

I'm interested in a separated man but don't like some of his actions. Advice?

Q.   Hello, I recently joined a dating site, and I found someone I know, I actually was at his wedding. But his currently separated from his wife of 2 years and has 2 kids with her. At first I contacted him and told him that I know him and that I was at ...

A.   29 October 2017: without reading everything, my general advice would be to give him the time he needs to heal from the disaster his life is in. Say a year after the divorce is final. Dating before that just gets people hurt. Sure he needs companionship and huma... (read in full...)

I have nowhere else to live my mother and stepfather have offered me to live with them but my stepfather is a nudist and walks around naked most of the time!

Q.   Dear Cupid, I am a 44 year old single woman (and a virgin) and have nowhere to live because of various events in the past 2 years. However I am welcome to live with my mother and step dad, who are generous and considerate generally speaking. ...

A.   29 October 2017: This has got to be the most unusual question I've ever come across, and I have to say the aunts and uncles have done very well with the replies. I have an indirect experience along this line. A guy at a factory near my home was a naturalist. I ... (read in full...)

Can he be a sucess when he neglects everything around him?

Q.   Need opinion on this person. Thank you? Can ignorant, careless and not taking care of self person going to be succeed? Please give example and opinion? Do you believe ignorant, stupid, and not take care of himself person can be succeed? Is ther...

A.   22 October 2017: Let me answer your question with a question, or rather 2 questions. Can your low opinion of another person prevent them from achieving their goals? Do you define what success is for another person. or is that something only they can define f... (read in full...)

Two guys... So whom should I go for?

Q.   I have an issue where I'm interested in two guys and I don't know what to do about it. The first guy we met on a night out (he's 21 and I am 18) and there was this instant thing between us, an attraction, but also we got along really well. We've be...

A.   22 October 2017: Good question but you already know the answer. You know that guy one is only interested in getting sex as soon as possible. You have already told him twice that you are not interested in that. You have already told him twice that you do not want ... (read in full...)

Should I stand firm or offer reconcilliation?

Q.   Hello aunts, My question here is simple. I fought with my wife last night. The reason was that she started complaining and saying she wishes she didn't have to pay rent (we pay half-and-half currently) so that then she could buy more things. ...

A.   28 September 2017: Exactly what will you gain by waiting her out? You think about that. I have some suggestions, but when it comes down to a woman who wants to spend 5k on a purse, I just don't have any experience. I'd like to suggest that you do some serious ... (read in full...)

Fiances mother is refusing to come to our wedding unless we change our plans

Q.   firstly, thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'm having problems with my fiancées mother. Backstory: me and him met in school, at15, we've been together ever since. We got engaged may 2016 in Fiji we had originally planned a two wee...

A.   28 September 2017: My Daughter did not follow the family tradition of church weddings. We did everything we could to make her day the way she wanted. But we are still somewhat sad that she doesn't follow us in the faith area. Fortunately we were wise enough to not ... (read in full...)

How do I deal with jealousy? french kissing? He's my first boyfriend

Q.   So I failed the year and got set back a year... I'm in a new class and I made friends (something that I didn't have for the past 2 years) and one guy (Gabri) started talking to me because I'm English (I live in Italy), after school we started ...

A.   27 September 2017: Well I have 2 bits of advice for you. 2 weeks is pretty soon to be pushing for that kind of kissing, and you are not comfortable with it yet. You need to communicate that to him in clear language. He should understand that you do not consent to ... (read in full...)

Where's the sex gone?

Q.   My girlfriend and I have no sexual chemistry. None at all. Every time I bring up anything sexual it’s, ‘we don’t have the time’ or she acts like it’s vulgar and what I’m saying is disgusting - we went to New York recently on our first holiday ...

A.   23 September 2017: What do you do? You stop being her girlfriend. You cancel all future plans. If she wants to come to your friends event with her sister, she needs to book her own room. You will not sleep in the same room with her slumber party, you came for your ... (read in full...)

His teapot has his and his ex's names and wedding date on it! Is it appropriate to ask if I can replace it?

Q.   My partner of 18 months is divorced. At the time of his wedding to his ex-wife he received a personalised tea pot with their first names and wedding date printed on the side. It's a nice big pot and he uses it, but I quietly feel uncomfortable and ...

A.   18 September 2017: Well I see you are from the UK and tea is considerably more important there than here . . . Just kidding. What you propose sounds very reasonable to me. You are more than generous, many women would want to see the old pot melted down. I'm sure it ... (read in full...)

Advice please on how to attract a boy

Q.   I am fifteen and all of a sudden, out of the blue, I want a boyfriend. Two of my closer friends have had boyfriends; one has already broken up with hers, the other has been dating hers for months now (!!!). She is always talking to him, and in t...

A.   4 September 2017: OP Writes, " i know all the other boys around my age, am definitely not interested in any of them", and I "have so many plans- none of which include a boyfriend" And " How can meet a cute/ smart guy? And even if I do meet someone, how do I get toge... (read in full...)

I told him 10pm was too late for dinner and now he won't speak to me

Q.   Dear Cupid; I met a man on-line, he asked me to meet him at a nearby restaurant/bar at 9:00, he then changed the time to 9:15. I texted him when I got there never got a reply. I waited for 15 minutes and as I was getting ready to leave when he ...

A.   3 September 2017: I don't even answer the phone after 8. if a professor is 15 minutes late class is canceled. ... (read in full...)

Broke up with girlfriend after her dad died, what should I do now?

Q.   Hi, So.. I was with my girlfriend for 3 years and her Dad died about 7 months or so before we broke up. She wasn't close to her dad and hadn't seen him in years. She called me up when it first happened and I told her I was sorry etc and told h...

A.   3 September 2017: Regardless of how much she says that she loves you, You are friend Only. However long you want to hang around in limbo is entirely up to you. But while you are in The friend zone the relationship is not growing, the problems are not being ... (read in full...)

I Look Like His Ex And It's Bugging Me...

Q.   Started dating this guy around the start of the month, he told me he broke up with his old gf last month. He mentioned her to me during our second date and said they were together for three years, I added him on FB last weekend and found out it was ...

A.   30 August 2017: Way too soon. All the signs of a rebound relationship. Tread carefully here and don't expect it to last. FA... (read in full...)

Broke up with girlfriend after her dad died, what should I do now?

Q.   Hi, So.. I was with my girlfriend for 3 years and her Dad died about 7 months or so before we broke up. She wasn't close to her dad and hadn't seen him in years. She called me up when it first happened and I told her I was sorry etc and told h...

A.   28 August 2017: Steffy, You are the one who couldn't stay through the bad times. You did everything in your power to push him away. He did what You told him to do. Guys it is not a sign of strength to stay hanging on when she is telling you these kinds of thing... (read in full...)

Broke up with girlfriend after her dad died, what should I do now?

Q.   Hi, So.. I was with my girlfriend for 3 years and her Dad died about 7 months or so before we broke up. She wasn't close to her dad and hadn't seen him in years. She called me up when it first happened and I told her I was sorry etc and told h...

A.   26 August 2017: My very serious advice would be for you to wait until she is getting some results from the therapy (yes the therapy that she hasn't started yet)before you resume friendly relations with her. That whole Friends deal is grasp at a straw for her (I'd... (read in full...)

I'm starting to feel like men don't think of women as anything other than meat

Q.   I'm really looking for advice on how I can come can better accept things in life and see a more positive side . I'm finding my life experience is that the men I have known have seemed exceedingly caught up in women's appearances and only concerned ...

A.   26 August 2017: Well it is pretty pointless to argue against your conviction. I can't make you believe that most people are a lot like you, even male people. Men and women have emotional needs. The need for an attractive partner is very common for men. The ... (read in full...)

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