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*atherly Advice agony aunt

*atherly Advice

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*atherly Advice's profile:

I'm in my early 50's. Married to my first wife. I have three adult daughters. I also have an adult son. I figure I've been around the block a few times. I do tend to be old fashioned in my advice, because I believe that old solutions can fit new problems. I am religious but I try to keep an open mind. I try to give my advice to the younger folks from the point of view of a friendly father. For older couples I use my own experience more.

I've been involved with online communities for over a decade. I seem to be very comfortable with this interface. I think it is important to remember, at all times, that everyone here is a real person.

Latest articles:

Gifts

No replies yet...

4 April 2018: This article is prompted by a question about take out soup. The OP felt slighted by her Boyfriend's offering. The subject is deeply symbolic, and crucial to a major love language and an important emotional need. The "Is the size of the take out ...

An old Uncle muses

No replies yet...

30 March 2017: My style of posting has been going through some changes and I thought I should share what's going on and why these changes. I'm rapidly moving into empty nest. I have 2 Daughters still living at home and they are both looking for their on place. ...

10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the cur10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the curbb

This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

29 August 2014: Cindy wrote an excellent article:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ten-best-ways-for-a-woman-to-be.html I felt that the article needed a counterpoint for the guys. I've sure read about a lot of guys mistakes and while I'm sure I will miss some, he...

Rejection

This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

21 October 2013: I just commented on a post by a guy who had a long history of rejection. The post tickled my memory all the way back to Junior High School (12 years of age). I was rejected a lot. I've got to say that out of the 15 or so girls in my class 10 ...

Wanted: Unattached Male

This question has 9 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

22 October 2010: I stumbled onto a news article online that has got me thinking. It was so much like a question here on "Dear Cupid". The author had just been through a breakup and was Writing advice based on her experience. She entitled the article something ...

Confessions of an Agony Uncle

This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 April 2009: On the 4th of November 2008 I signed up for a name and posted my first answer on this site. It was some quiet advice on career choices. Last night I posted my 100th. Just a bit of general advice on sex. In between I've gotten my ire up about ...

1234567891011Next > [58 pages, 2292 answers]

Should I be upset that my FWB partner is having sex with others and lied about it

Q.   I have been having sex with a friend but he said he having been with anyone else but I caught him with another woman should I be angry or not because we are not dating? please help me because im mad as hell....

A.   16 October 2018: For the sake of safety FWB relationships should be exclusive. of course the difference between an exclusive FWB relationship and a committed exclusive relationship is that the FWB relationship can be quickly dissolved if a noter partner comes ... (read in full...)

Will I ever find someone the same as my unrequited love or will I continue spiralling into an endless depression?

Q.   Over a span of about 3 years, I've fallen in love with someone who, not long ago, I decided to open up to. They told me that they only want to stay as friends, which has deeply saddened me. They were the only person I've been interested in ever and ...

A.   15 October 2018: Actually finding a duplicate is a bad idea. Try someone different enough not to remind you of her. I do agree with Andie, that at your age this isn't likely the big one. In my half century I have only met one man who held a torch for his unre... (read in full...)

Engagement called off due to past relationship how do I fix things?

Q.   I was engaged to a wonderful guy.He is a virgin and have very high Morales and values.However, i lied to him about my past relationship and virginity. Engagement called off due to videos and pictures of sexual activity and intimate ones,ta...

A.   12 October 2018: "What should be done to convince my family and his family?" I have no good news for you. I have a basic understanding of your culture, and I don't see a path back here. Ignoring the cultural influence, we find in research that many betrayed... (read in full...)

He’s made me feel worthless, after 6 years, what advice can you give me?

Q.   Hello everyone I’m in a situation and I don’t know what to do so I’m hoping for some good advice I’m in a relationship now for 6 years the past year or so he has made me feel worthless like I’m not good enough for him he makes no effort with how he ...

A.   3 October 2018: I have some serious advice for you. It is very important, but it is going to sound harsh. So I hope you read through it without getting too offended. I'm not attacking you. I'm not excusing his poor behavior. I'm really trying to help you ... (read in full...)

How can I get better at finding the one?

Q.   I wanted to get some advice since my love life is a mess ( or lack of). I have been single for a year and a half and I have tried a lot of things to find the “one” but nothing - I can’t seem to connect with men and the ones I do connect with or ...

A.   17 September 2018: Well at your age . . . don't you think it's about time to get past that bad boy thing? The men you are attracted to have horrible personalities or trash talk their partners. It is no wonder you have trouble trusting men. You don't want the trus... (read in full...)

How could he move on so quickly?

Q.   I ended my relationship with my ex back in February not because we no longer loved each other but because we both had different out looks on life. Realistically it wasn't going to work. I left our house and moved back home. My ex was distraught and ...

A.   11 September 2018: You ended the relationship. You moved out of the house you bought and decorated. You stopped going on holidays with him. You left his family and hurt him. You got what you wanted. #1 That is the really great thing about divorce, You don't g... (read in full...)

Do I leave a new job after only 5 months? It seems to be a bad fit

Q.   I feel conflicted as I just took a new job in April and after only 5 months it seems to be a bad fit. The department is very cliquey and back-stabbish, I feel like I don't fit in, one of the people has been very rude to my face and plays it off as ...

A.   11 September 2018: As a former employer I like applicants who stay in their jobs six months or longer. You are almost there and by the time you find a new job it should be at least 6 months. Please take the excellent advice to find a new job before you tell anyo... (read in full...)

How important is respect in a marriage?

Q.   How important is respect in a relationship? I am back in the dating scene after 2 years and this always seems to come up for me in terms of “respect” My father has been legally married to my mother for 33 years ( I’m in my early 30”s) an...

A.   6 September 2018: A good solid definition of Respect from your point of view would probably answer your question better than we can. To me respect has little to do with criticism and control, and a lot more to do with Boundaries and Trust. 33 years is a long tim... (read in full...)

Does my best friend like me as more than a friend?

Q.   I’m 16 and my bestfriend just recently turned 17. We are best friends. But recently, I have noticed some interesting things going on. He has been telling me that he loves me, he misses me, and lots of heart emojis. We have been bestfriends for ...

A.   6 September 2018: How do you feel about the words and emoji's he is using? How do you feel about transitioning from friends to dating? What will happen next year when he is at University and you are in High School? I'm sorry that I cant answer your question... (read in full...)

I just can’t shake the feeling that he’ll be benefiting from me!

Q.   Hey, so I have a dilemma! My boyfriend of 6 months is due to move in soon, I'm very happy and so is he, we adore each other. I have my own place which is owned by family, I don't pay any rent, my grandmother pays for the service charge whic...

A.   22 August 2018: This is a difficult question. It really has more to do with your feelings than with the money. Here is a very old story about generosity and fairness. I'm interested in how you feel about the fairness of the situation. "For the kingdom of heav... (read in full...)

She likes slaps and I like kisses. We have a baby girl but I don’t see how this will work!

Q.   More than a year ago, I started dating a girl who I was exactly smitten by but wanted to see how things would progress. I was introduced to her via a friend so I really wanted to see where things would go. During the first few weeks, we got on ...

A.   16 August 2018: There are times when rushing into marriage is not in the best interest of the baby. Generally it is done for the baby, but often the marriage created is not healthy enough for children. I'd like to go over a few points in your history. One Raw,... (read in full...)

He’s chubby and it turns me off!

Q.   So I went for a date with this guy on Monday and it went gd, he's asked me to go to a wine tasting evening after he comes back from holiday with his parents in a fortnight. However, he’s cute (he’s half French and has the accent), has a h...

A.   16 August 2018: There are times when you have to go back and rethink your answer. Since my reply this has turned into a question of what is shallow? and how much of a problem is that? So Shallow means you make snap judgments without considering more than a narr... (read in full...)

Any advice please I’m pregnant and I feel like he doesn’t care

Q.   My boyfriend stemmed to be happy that I was pregnant until I pushed him away and deleted my Facebook and Instagram for a break. He hurt me I had enough I deleted social media so he doesn’t know how I am since we are long distance. He literally knew ...

A.   15 August 2018: This may seem harsh but I'm not talking down to you, I'm just trying to help you understand why he is doing what he is doing. This guy is a cheater, he has been keeping up a long distance relationship with you and having some action on the side... (read in full...)

He’s chubby and it turns me off!

Q.   So I went for a date with this guy on Monday and it went gd, he's asked me to go to a wine tasting evening after he comes back from holiday with his parents in a fortnight. However, he’s cute (he’s half French and has the accent), has a h...

A.   13 August 2018: "hot green eyes" Apparently your only physical attraction to him "he’s slightly chubby" . . . " I find it a massive turn off. I'm not shallow honest," Yes, you are. "I rubbed sunscreen on him" That is certainly going above and beyond to test the... (read in full...)

I don’t like intercourse but like oral!

Q.   Intercourse VS oral..... Which is better? I don't like having sex but I love giving and receiving oral sex. Is this a problem? ...

A.   2 August 2018: At your age you know what you want. If you were younger, I would encourage you to explore more. Now if the idea is to go to your existing partner and say Hey I only want this kind of sex and these internet people say it is ok, well that isn't ... (read in full...)

My family says I’m limiting myself by not going out as friends?

Q.   I have a bf, but I don't limit my social interactions just because I'm in a relationship. The other day a single guy asked me to a concert, just me and him. I see him when I gather w/family friends about once a year or so. Otherwise I rarely if ...

A.   1 August 2018: I get the feeling that your family doesn't see your BF as a serious prospect. Do you?... (read in full...)

Should I go away for a week or less with my friend?

Q.   I'm unsure of whether to go away for a week or less with my friend ,it will be in a few days ,as I'm trying to make my student loan last as best as I can until end of September time when I start college again . other reasons why im unsure are ive ...

A.   30 July 2018: I honestly think you should get out and see some of the world. But I also honestly believe that you should not take your first trip with this unreliable friend. Better to be experienced before you travel with a scatter-brain. and I also honest... (read in full...)

When is it appropriate to tell a date that I don't want kids?

Q.   I'm a 25 year old woman. Have never had the desire to have children and while I know people change over time, I think I may never want kids. This issue makes it a bit harder for me because I noticed most people want kids, while the minority of ...

A.   30 July 2018: At the point of "Hello Joe, I'm pleased to meet you, just so you know, I'm not the maternal type." There are more men out there that have little interest in children than women. What putting it off gives you is a better chance of getting close to s... (read in full...)

I rejected my ideal guy years ago, and now he's with someone else and it's driving me crazy. Help!

Q.   Hey, I'm writing this partly to get it off my chest and partly because I need to change something about this situation, even if it's just my way of thinking about it. 5 years ago I was single, much more stupid than I am now, and met a brillia...

A.   30 July 2018: Sad story, old story, bring out the band. You have done what so many women have done throughout time, the story is etched in the stone of time. You had the fortune to have 2 men interested in you. You predictably chose the more exciting, but shal... (read in full...)

I feel the need to have a child but I want it to be my lover's not my husband's

Q.   DO NOT JUDGE I am female, 34 years..i am married to a man-boy kinda of husband (45 years) who has no clue how to raise children..we have two..one mine and the first one is his...his past time is drinking....but he come through with finances......

A.   27 July 2018: OP says, "for a man its easy...since they are the one who don't carry the child to full term...so they can go and have kids from different women without a lot of drama...i am just saying that i am a woman who thinks like a man.." Your disr... (read in full...)

How do I tell my long-term girlfriend that I'm secretly gay and have had affairs with men?

Q.   Hi everyone.. Im looking for some genuine advice, if anyone would be so kind.. How do i come out and tell my long term girlfriend that I've had an affairs with men? I know its wrong, and i shouldn't have lied to myself and her, but i fou...

A.   20 July 2018: There are some situations that just don't have good answers. Some of the sad answers to your question are: As soon as possible, certainly before marriage or children. From a safe distance. She is going to be hurt, and that can translate to... (read in full...)

I have had an extremely stifled upbringing but I want to break free by going to a college of my choice. How do I convince my authoritarian parents?

Q.   In our family, it has always just been assumed that we'd all go to college. I've never been the best student, but I've basically been average. I liked "electives" the best and I got the best grades in music and Spanish. Actually, I won the John ...

A.   9 July 2018: I've been away for a week. I'm glad that you wrote back to us. I understand your complaints about Catholicism. It's not so much that you aren't allowed to think for yourself as that they are sure you will get it wrong when you do. I noticed you ... (read in full...)

My best friend is in love with me but I don't feel the same way and now I've lost my best and only friend because we're not even on talking terms

Q.   Me and my guy best friend has been friends for years. He confessed his feelings to me, he was in love with me too much. He would never leave a day without talking to me. I love him as my best friend. And i can't imagine myself not having him beside ...

A.   27 June 2018: Dear hurt, If he had come to us for advice we would have told him to do exactly what he did. These are some of the reasons. When a person has a close opposite sex friend (OSF) they don't have as many chances to develop romantic relationships. The... (read in full...)

I have had an extremely stifled upbringing but I want to break free by going to a college of my choice. How do I convince my authoritarian parents?

Q.   In our family, it has always just been assumed that we'd all go to college. I've never been the best student, but I've basically been average. I liked "electives" the best and I got the best grades in music and Spanish. Actually, I won the John ...

A.   27 June 2018: The most common advice given to teen who want to break away from their patents is, Move Out Get a Job Pay your own bills. That may seem harsh, but if you want to convince your parents that you can be responsible with out their everyday guidanc... (read in full...)

I'm waiting for a girl to come and sweep me off my feet.

Q.   Please bare with me and sorry for the long post. Im in a bit of a slump the past year. Essentially I once again broke up with a girl I'm madly in love with because circumstances prevents us from being together, that being a long distance relatio...

A.   18 June 2018: Dear Sam, Your post is somewhat confusing, but I'll do my best to answer you. I appreciate you asking two specific questions, that gives us a good starting point. You sound like you are still hung up your ex girlfriend and not over her. Your e... (read in full...)

My boyfriend's drunken behaviour was nasty. Should I just let it pass?

Q.   My bf, myself and our close friends were at a house party. I spent most of my time helping the hosts so I was pretty much sober while my bf decided to get sloshed after many years. By the end of the night, he had way too many and was totally out ...

A.   13 June 2018: How I understand your question: You are wondering if him suffering more consequences for his drunken behavior will help prevent a repeat of this behavior. Yes without significant consequences, infidelity (even just flirting) tends to be repe... (read in full...)

All couples argue..But where do we draw a line?

Q.   My dear other half thinks his verbal abuse is just an arguement and it would be if I would agree to that. But I know there is more to it than that and it destroys me as the pattern repeats with increasing frequency. He cant see that its not a c...

A.   13 June 2018: This is a very good question. Sure their are legal definitions of abuse, but what each individual needs is a definition that says I will not accept this level of behavior. Part of the problem you are both having is that you are defining abus... (read in full...)

How do you know if you're meant to be together forever?

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, lived together for almost 3 years of that. He's my best friend and we've spoken openly about marriage and kids. Anyway, my question is, how do you know if you're really meant to be together fore...

A.   12 June 2018: When my Grandfather died 12 days after my grandmother died, at the ages of 94 and 90. On that Day I was pretty sure they were meant to be together forever. Up until then? Well anything can happen. Life time relationships take more than good... (read in full...)

Where is the panty liner, will he think me disgusting if he finds it?

Q.   Before me and this guy had sex I went to use the bathroom and I removed my pantyliner. The pantyliner was clean as I recently put it on but his trash was overflowing so I decided to just wrap it up and put it in my pocket and throw it away when i ...

A.   12 June 2018: I think the real surprise in this post is that you didn't think he was disgusting for having an overflowing trash can in his bathroom. You are very tolerant. I do agree with the previous advice to not mention it. Maybe I'm jaded after rais... (read in full...)

How can I handle the monotony and boredom of everyday life?

Q.   How can I handle the monotony and boredom of everyday life.:? Days off have no purpose, but I go to gym, I get a coffee, I see a movie.. Me alone and counting the hours til bedtime.....

A.   8 June 2018: It's Saturday, What are you going to do today?... (read in full...)

How can I handle the monotony and boredom of everyday life?

Q.   How can I handle the monotony and boredom of everyday life.:? Days off have no purpose, but I go to gym, I get a coffee, I see a movie.. Me alone and counting the hours til bedtime.....

A.   6 June 2018: "Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town Waiting for someone or something to show you the way Tired of lying in the sunshine staying... (read in full...)

I’m sexually frustrated in my married! Advice?

Q.   hey id like to clear my thoughts and get an opinion. here goes, right ive been in a relationship for 14 years and we have 4 kids together. i no im probably going to get told i shouldnt read whats on the internet but its there and what i read is ...

A.   4 June 2018: One other side note that I don't want to clutter up my advice. If you could please answer a few direct questions. Did the drop in sexual frequency happen at about the same time as: Her work schedule went to evenings? Her phone usage picked up? ... (read in full...)

I’m sexually frustrated in my married! Advice?

Q.   hey id like to clear my thoughts and get an opinion. here goes, right ive been in a relationship for 14 years and we have 4 kids together. i no im probably going to get told i shouldnt read whats on the internet but its there and what i read is ...

A.   4 June 2018: Hey Original poster, Thanks for writing back, You are right we have to guess a lot when we answer these questions. As Honey Pie mentioned. Working out is to make you feel better about yourself. It is one of the first bits of advice we give to e... (read in full...)

I’m sexually frustrated in my married! Advice?

Q.   hey id like to clear my thoughts and get an opinion. here goes, right ive been in a relationship for 14 years and we have 4 kids together. i no im probably going to get told i shouldnt read whats on the internet but its there and what i read is ...

A.   31 May 2018: Did I read this right? You are running a household of 6 on 36 hours of work a week? That's impressive. My advice is work out, find job, get haircut, New clothes. Look up 180.... (read in full...)

My boyfriend has naked pictures on his phone, am I not pretty enough anymore?

Q.   I’ve been with my boyfriend about 5 yrs , and I recently he got cought having naked pictures on his phone , he was showing me a picture that he took and by accident ly I saw those , he said that his friend send those to him , so I said would u like ...

A.   30 May 2018: My male friends don't send porn to my phone. Not because they don't send porn, but because they respect my boundaries. They know I don't want that on my phone, so they don't send it. Men should never do anything that makes their female part... (read in full...)

A baby usually brings a family closer but I’m just thinking that now that I’m really “growing up” my mom and I are becoming as estranged as we’ve been before. Can anyone please give me perspective?

Q.   Hey all! I’m twenty six and recently married, having my first baby. I’m excited, scared and also, so grateful that he’s coming. Our families are excited but at the same time, there’s discord. My Catholic mother wants the baby baptized, we do ...

A.   29 May 2018: This past memorial day weekend, I visited my father's grave. As well as my grandparents, an uncle, and a brother in law. Then I had a picnic with mom. I suppose my weekend was a little different from yours. I'm 52. A bit older than your mom's ... (read in full...)

Which is more important Love or Sex??

Q.   I have been married for 40 years this year. It was only 10 years ago that I discovered my husbands porn stash, he promised me he would never do it again, I believed him, only the cycle continues, he tries to hide it , I find it, he tells me he does ...

A.   29 May 2018: To a great extent, we can't give you the advice you need. You can not cure him because he has no desire to change. Since we pretty much know what his problems are and what is likely to continue for the rest of his life. What we need to is step... (read in full...)

Which is more important Love or Sex??

Q.   I have been married for 40 years this year. It was only 10 years ago that I discovered my husbands porn stash, he promised me he would never do it again, I believed him, only the cycle continues, he tries to hide it , I find it, he tells me he does ...

A.   24 May 2018: Thanks for the follow up. I want to remind you of the one constant truth about addicts. Nothing is more important than the next fix. Not love, not money, not marriage, nothing. Addiction can be beaten, but only when the addict wants to.... (read in full...)

Which is more important Love or Sex??

Q.   I have been married for 40 years this year. It was only 10 years ago that I discovered my husbands porn stash, he promised me he would never do it again, I believed him, only the cycle continues, he tries to hide it , I find it, he tells me he does ...

A.   23 May 2018: I'm going against the grain on this one. You have a lot of relationships that include love. Family, Friends, pets all have shared love links. There is usually only one relationship that has love and sex. That is marriage. Without the sex the ... (read in full...)

I don't want to lead her on, but I don't want to flat out reject her as I don't want to hurt her that way either

Q.   Dear all I need some advice. I met a girl online several months ago, as a language exchange. That was all I was looking for and her too i believe. We get along great and have learned a lot together. Our personalities are very similar, lots of ...

A.   22 May 2018: OP says, " its too soon for me to feel anything, that is just the way i usually am. " To me that says Demi sexual. Demi Sexual people need to develop a close emotional relationship before they can feel sexually attracted. Do you think that ... (read in full...)

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