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*atherly Advice

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*atherly Advice's profile:

I'm in my early 50's. Married to my first wife. I have three adult daughters. I also have an adult son. I figure I've been around the block a few times. I do tend to be old fashioned in my advice, because I believe that old solutions can fit new problems. I am religious but I try to keep an open mind. I try to give my advice to the younger folks from the point of view of a friendly father. For older couples I use my own experience more.

I've been involved with online communities for over a decade. I seem to be very comfortable with this interface. I think it is important to remember, at all times, that everyone here is a real person.

Latest articles:

Gifts

No replies yet...

4 April 2018: This article is prompted by a question about take out soup. The OP felt slighted by her Boyfriend's offering. The subject is deeply symbolic, and crucial to a major love language and an important emotional need. The "Is the size of the take out ...

An old Uncle muses

No replies yet...

30 March 2017: My style of posting has been going through some changes and I thought I should share what's going on and why these changes. I'm rapidly moving into empty nest. I have 2 Daughters still living at home and they are both looking for their on place. ...

10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the cur10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the curbb

This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

29 August 2014: Cindy wrote an excellent article:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ten-best-ways-for-a-woman-to-be.html I felt that the article needed a counterpoint for the guys. I've sure read about a lot of guys mistakes and while I'm sure I will miss some, he...

Rejection

This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

21 October 2013: I just commented on a post by a guy who had a long history of rejection. The post tickled my memory all the way back to Junior High School (12 years of age). I was rejected a lot. I've got to say that out of the 15 or so girls in my class 10 ...

Wanted: Unattached Male

This question has 8 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

22 October 2010: I stumbled onto a news article online that has got me thinking. It was so much like a question here on "Dear Cupid". The author had just been through a breakup and was Writing advice based on her experience. She entitled the article something ...

Confessions of an Agony Uncle

This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 April 2009: On the 4th of November 2008 I signed up for a name and posted my first answer on this site. It was some quiet advice on career choices. Last night I posted my 100th. Just a bit of general advice on sex. In between I've gotten my ire up about ...

1234567891011Next > [60 pages, 2353 answers]

Why does my wife go cold on me when we’re on holiday?

Q.   I've just got home from a 2-week cruise around the Caribbean with my parents, my wife and my two kids. It was the holiday of a lifetime and we all had an amazing time. The only downside was that my wife seemed to just ignore me the whole holiday. I ...

A.   16 April 2019: I'm chipping away at this mental puzzle. France last year, caribbean this spring, Turkey in the fall. You really like your holidays. Perhaps they are stressful for her. Does she do the planning, packing, pet arrangements . . .etc.? Trav... (read in full...)

I have neve wanted children, husband is being pressured to adopt his orphaned nephew

Q.   My husband and I are both 29 and child free by choice. His sister and her husband, both 40, passed away in a car accident two months ago. They left behind a 9 year old who is currently living with my husband's parents. Long story short, his paren...

A.   13 April 2019: If you are going to issue ultimatums you need to have those papers ready. Personally I would share my life for 10 years with an orphan. It's not much to ask.... (read in full...)

I'm anxious about wanting a baby soon because of how my life has been but my boyfriend is in no hurry. What do I do?

Q.   I am about to turn 26 and I'm freaking out about my age. Technically I know I'm still very young, but I'm scared about having kids too late. This is getting concerning for my boyfriend, and I'm trying not to bring the topic up too often now. My m...

A.   11 April 2019: The math is interesting. You are 26 he is 23. You got together 3 1/2 tears ago when he was 20 and you were 23. You were born when your mother was 39 and your father was 44. Your parents married when dad was 47 and mom was 42 and you were 3. Mom ... (read in full...)

I still resent the way my husband proposed to me.

Q.   I wanted to see if I’m being sensitive or not, I can’t get over the fact after 6 years of marriage with two kids of how my husband proposed. We’ve been dating for 5 years before he propose and the way he did it makes me sad till to this day. I see ...

A.   8 April 2019: I always felt that my proposal story was the worst ever but yours tops mine easily. (I accidentally proposed) There are some things he could do to resolve this but if you tell him how to do this It won't work. that is what happened last time. If ... (read in full...)

I have to have dinner with the girl who rejected me!

Q.   Hi To keep a long story short, I have to have dinner with the girl who rejected me, her parents and a few of her other friends. It's the first time I've seen her since she rejected me a few weeks ago. We're trying to be friends but i just ...

A.   8 April 2019: "How should I handle it?" Can you bring a date? Is it a plus one invitation?... (read in full...)

We’re a fit couple in our late 60’s, retired. How much sex is normal

Q.   We’re a fit couple in our late 60’s, retried. How much sex is normal? We do it three times a week on average. I could do it every day, she says even three times is too much. She enjoys it more than me, not that I don’t enjoy. She says none of...

A.   5 April 2019: Billy Jones has been kind enough to create a profile and address his question respectfully. I don't think it is nice to dictate what his priorities should be. Obviously sex has been front and center to Billy and his wife for 40 + years. Why would ... (read in full...)

His insensitive comment makes me want to just leave him!

Q.   I've been with boyfriend for 8 years now. We have had our bad patches and arguments, but the past couple of years have been really good, good communication, great sex, laughter, good times generally. We don't live together due to work commitments in ...

A.   5 April 2019: The fundamental component of a relationship is trust. How could you spend the 8 years between 2010 and 2019 pretending you are in a relationship with a man you don't even trust? Just cut the dumb sucker loose. Replace him with someone you can see ... (read in full...)

We’re a fit couple in our late 60’s, retired. How much sex is normal

Q.   We’re a fit couple in our late 60’s, retried. How much sex is normal? We do it three times a week on average. I could do it every day, she says even three times is too much. She enjoys it more than me, not that I don’t enjoy. She says none of...

A.   4 April 2019: As much as both of you want. What the neighbors want has nothing to do with it. ... (read in full...)

My wife knows I don't want children and remarked that she could easily just "accidentally" get pregnant

Q.   Dear cupid, I've been married for the past 7 years (plus 6 more of dating). Lots of ups and downs of course, but I think we've been improving - or at least I am. Yesterday my wife said something (another one... yeah, maybe I suck at relationsh...

A.   1 April 2019: OK so your question is what can you make of this. You have a pretty good answer there, but we are distant from the relationship and are really just guessing. She could just as easily be having a laugh and getting you wound up. Now me, I would take... (read in full...)

How do I ‘combat’ a control-freak husband?

Q.   My husband is a wonderful man but he is a control freak sometimes. When he is, it's harmless, but super annoying. FYI we don't have kids. For example: He's the chef in the family. He's very particular and likes following recipes. He'll go out to ...

A.   22 March 2019: If you feel the need to "combat" your spouse, then breaking up before children is a great idea. ... (read in full...)

She thinks there was a hidden message about being fat in my fruit and yoghurt comment

Q.   So I have been with this woman for 18 months. Our relationship has been perfect so far, no arguements, always get on. Today she had an arguement with a friend and was not very happy after. She sent me a message saying she was going for a walk and ...

A.   22 March 2019: Eating to feel better is exactly why I will live 20 years less than I could have. I'm not sure where the inalienable right to self medicate with sweets came from. If OP's girl feels as bad about yogurt as the women responding here, then her ... (read in full...)

She thinks there was a hidden message about being fat in my fruit and yoghurt comment

Q.   So I have been with this woman for 18 months. Our relationship has been perfect so far, no arguements, always get on. Today she had an arguement with a friend and was not very happy after. She sent me a message saying she was going for a walk and ...

A.   20 March 2019: And this is how your own insecurities can wreck your relationships. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. An insecure person tends to self sabotage relationships. If a person is self conscious about their appearance they tend to look for ... (read in full...)

I broke up with my violent boyfriend, he wants the ring back but I paid for it!

Q.   I have just broken up with my boyfriend of twenty years due to his violent behaviour. the thing is he says he wants the ring he bought me back which is expensive but I feel like in all fairness I have paid for the ring as I gave the cost of the ring ...

A.   21 February 2019: "Do you legally have to give back an engagement ring? UK Law. ... “The gift of an engagement ring shall be presumed to be an absolute gift; this presumption may be rebutted by proving that the ring was given on the condition, express or implied, ... (read in full...)

Can you please give me some ideas on how to make his birthday special?

Q.   So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a month and his birthday is coming up next month and I want to do something really special for him but I cant really think of anything. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!...

A.   21 February 2019: Considering your age and the length of the relationship, you should talk to his mother or father. You don't know him well enough to make a really personal gift. You also shouldn't overspend at this stage. Perhaps a date is the way to go. ... (read in full...)

Our sex life needs improvement but how do I approach it because he gets upset and feels bad!

Q.   Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for a year and 2 months, our relationship is good the only thing that kinda sucks is when we do it.. I'm his first but he isnt mine, when we do it he never takes the time to make me wet, he just goes and spit and...

A.   20 February 2019: OK this is not a little question. You have stopped sex for a few months? Or did he just threaten? You are his first and all the information he is working from came from porn. You are going to have to take a leadership role here. You are goin... (read in full...)

I get angry over little things, and he thinks that’s dumb!

Q.   Hi I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 2 months. Our relationship is good and I'm happy with him.. but I dont seem to stop getting mad over tiny things, or sometimes i get mad at something and he thinks its dumb or that i shouldn't be getti...

A.   20 February 2019: Maybe we need another example. An appropriate reaction in this case is, Oh look at this cute emoji. You have never sent this one to me. Did you know it was here? Then if he calls you dumb or crazy, (and only then) you cold be reasonab... (read in full...)

My ex changed my Netflix avatar on his account

Q.   Hi all, My boyfriend split up with me a couple of weeks ago and i have not heard from him (we had a fall out) He has a Netflix account and he has himself, my daughter and me on it with our names which have always been under a square blank...

A.   13 February 2019: Pretty good deal, relationship is over but you still get free Netflix. Or do you pay half? It's not an important point. You are content to wait for him to make a (another) gesture. That sums up your interest in reconciliation nicely. I don... (read in full...)

I want to be at a place where women would be in abundance.

Q.   After a night out, I realized some things about my future with women. We went out for a close friends birthday and had dinner with 20+ friends. Then we went to a club/bar in the city where much of our med school was there. I had fun dancing with my ...

A.   13 February 2019: No More Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover. Andie's wrong this time.... (read in full...)

My ex changed my Netflix avatar on his account

Q.   Hi all, My boyfriend split up with me a couple of weeks ago and i have not heard from him (we had a fall out) He has a Netflix account and he has himself, my daughter and me on it with our names which have always been under a square blank...

A.   11 February 2019: Yes it is a positive sign. Yes it is attempted communication. Changing avatars is an inclusive move. It would have taken the same time to change the password. That would have been exclusive. You two need to learn how to talk. Here is a scri... (read in full...)

On the one hand her behaviour is awful and she's constantly picking up fights but on the other hand she's very keen on moving in together! What's going on here?

Q.   Hi I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years. We're making plans to move in together soon. Everything was pretty much perfect until about 6 months ago when she started picking fights with me and usually there wasn't a clear reason, nothing I had do...

A.   7 February 2019: "Any thoughts?" It's a lot easier (and safer) to fight from a distance. Some people show their attachment by ever increasing jealousy. This is obviously an affection style that doesn't work for you. It won't change easily. In fact it won't chan... (read in full...)

She kissed another man and my feelings will never be the same!

Q.   I and my gf were in a close relationship for 2 years and recently we moved to our respective cities and were in a long distance relationship for 5 months...and one fine day she called me and told that a guy kissed her in a weak moment and she didn't ...

A.   6 February 2019: I think it is important that you can distinguish between: - she kissed another man. - She kissed another man while she was in a committed relationship with you. Next you have just been introduced to a nasty fact of being a betrayed partner. It... (read in full...)

How do I turn men down without actually spelling it out that I'm not interested?

Q.   So I feel a little ridiculous posting this but I never thought I'd have this problem! I need to figure out how to quickly, unambiguously turn men down. I feel so uncomfortable doing it that sometimes when I am asked to get together, I just...

A.   4 February 2019: This question must be in the top ten most common relationship questions. At it's heart is the desire not to hurt a persons feelings OR the desire not to anger a dangerous person. I hear both about equally. I appreciate your extended expl... (read in full...)

I'm pretty sure he likes me but how can I be sure?

Q.   There is this guy who I really adore. We are very similar and all my friends think we should be together. I am pretty sure he likes me, but how can I be certain? I don't want to make a fool of myself asking him to be my boyfriend, but I still really ...

A.   29 January 2019: Get interested in the things he is interested in. Participate in the clubs he is in. Go to the sports he plays. Treat him like a good friend. Flirting is another way to test the waters. BE fun and playful, don't pout if he doesn't respond at o... (read in full...)

My husband with a panty fetish now says he wants panties from other women

Q.   My husband of 6 years just came to me and said he has had a used panty fetish since before we were ever together (almost 10 years). While I am okay (and even flattered) that he has been using mine for his own pleasure, he has stated that he wants...

A.   29 January 2019: Time to put your foot down. This is an exclusive committed relationship and there is no room for others. You will happily let him take over all laundry so he has unlimited access to your underwear. You will even buy special ones just to give to ... (read in full...)

I'm unhappy with the relationship want to end it but partner acts like nothing is wrong

Q.   Hi guys. Im in deseperate need of advice because im literally at my wits end. My bf is 8 yrs younger than me. We have a 3 yr old together and i have a tennager daughter from a previous relationship. We had a whirlwind romance and i ended up pregnant ...

A.   29 January 2019: Trying to continue to address the OP rather than respond to the aunts is a tricky skill. I really was just trying to introduce some levity to the situation. jls is correct. Your relationship is in very bad condition for only being a few years ol... (read in full...)

Is my boyfriend's behaviour normal? He's admitted to going really strange sexual things relating to the girl he liked!

Q.   Hello. I’m starting to become a little bit freaked out by my partner. I just wanted to know how “normal” this was. He’s a normal man, hardworking, provides for the family, kind, caring and loving. He hasnt had many girlfriends in the past due to ...

A.   29 January 2019: There is a power dynamic going on in this relationship that needs some attention. He was under her thumb for a long time. He is used to it and comfortable with her abuse. He is not successful in keeping her away. You need to step in and help. ... (read in full...)

I feel forced to have sex to maintain the relationship

Q.   I'm a bit confused I'm in a relationship and I like the relationship the romance kissing and cuddles but I don't really like having sex I've never really liked it. I feel forced to do it as part of the relationship everyday several times a day and I ...

A.   28 January 2019: Thanks for continuing to Follow up. I have little to add. You seem determined to stay in the relationship. Here is a little advice related to your latest posts. Coconut oil is an excellent long lasting personal lubricant. Always see a doctor a... (read in full...)

I'm unhappy with the relationship want to end it but partner acts like nothing is wrong

Q.   Hi guys. Im in deseperate need of advice because im literally at my wits end. My bf is 8 yrs younger than me. We have a 3 yr old together and i have a tennager daughter from a previous relationship. We had a whirlwind romance and i ended up pregnant ...

A.   28 January 2019: On the other hand a guy with a job, who cleans house and cooks, How are you going to replace that? At the darkest points of my marriage. I also felt that my wife would do nothing to help because she was happy with the status quo. My unha... (read in full...)

How is affection, spending time with someone or making sure your spouses needs are being taken care of, so many “things” to do for your wife that it would exclude her/me from the right to intimacy?

Q.   I am currently three years into my second marriage. I have had successfull sexual relationships in the past. I have never ever experienced what I am currently experiencing so my question is two fold. 1. Is this a reasonable/healthy relationship? 2. ...

A.   26 January 2019: This is straight up an intimacy problem. Financial intimacy, emotional intimacy, and sexual intimacy. He is afraid of them all. You need to break the cycle. I'm unsure how to advise you safely. When a person fears intimacy. It is often loss of c... (read in full...)

I want to give him one more chance and I also don’t!

Q.   My boyfriend and i habe been together for 2.5years.. In our time together ive caught him talking to/ getting pics from at least 10 different women. Hes not a terrible boyfriend.. He can be a jerk and a child at times but i do still love him.....

A.   26 January 2019: Ten chances or eleven, it doesn't make much difference at this point. He is pretty sure you will take him back no matter what he does. What you need to do is to disabuse him of that notion by leaving. Now you have already given him terms of reco... (read in full...)

I feel forced to have sex to maintain the relationship

Q.   I'm a bit confused I'm in a relationship and I like the relationship the romance kissing and cuddles but I don't really like having sex I've never really liked it. I feel forced to do it as part of the relationship everyday several times a day and I ...

A.   25 January 2019: sorry, I missed the follow up, You have talked. He has told you he doesn't want a relationship that doesn't include a lot of sex. You have told him you don't want a lot of sex. It's all there on the table. Neither of you wants the rela... (read in full...)

I feel forced to have sex to maintain the relationship

Q.   I'm a bit confused I'm in a relationship and I like the relationship the romance kissing and cuddles but I don't really like having sex I've never really liked it. I feel forced to do it as part of the relationship everyday several times a day and I ...

A.   24 January 2019: If you were asexual it would be easier. But you want everything except sex. All the foreplay, but no play. Most guys don't like trying to walk with swollen blue balls. It would be much easier to find an asexual partner if you were willing to g... (read in full...)

I need my boyfriend to want me!

Q.   i recently met this guy and i feel good about things. He is well hot and seems v nice. The trouble is he is a bit backwards at coming forward. My last B/f was like a mad stud in and out the bedroomanad we would just do stuff were and when ever. Th...

A.   23 January 2019: So your Hot guy is a bit on the cool side. Here are some quick notes from reading your post. It is never correct to pressure someone for sex. You can ask, but not badge. Do you understand the difference? I'm quite sure your stud muffin Ex is an... (read in full...)

Should I let her go unless she takes the initiative?

Q.   I have been in a relationship for many years. We do not live together because we both agreed we would wait until each of our children are grown before we combine our households. There have been "ups and downs" over the years, but never anything ...

A.   23 January 2019: Just on the wild side here but do you think she might be serious about it not working? I know it is a lot lot like accepting that No means No (sarcasm). Sure she may just be short term mad again, but if she is the one to say NO then it is indeed ... (read in full...)

He deleted his dating profile. Did he meet someone else?

Q.   Ive been on 4 dates with a guy I met since Oct. I blew him off a few times because I was worried having sex too soon would ruin things but i do really like him. I was tired of all my past relationship mistakes by sleeping too soon and never getting ...

A.   23 January 2019: I suppose that there is always a possibility that the man is already married. What is triggering the spidey sense here? Only 4 dates in 4 months? I could see that. There are a lot of reasons to take down a dating profile. Sure getting caug... (read in full...)

He deleted his dating profile. Did he meet someone else?

Q.   Ive been on 4 dates with a guy I met since Oct. I blew him off a few times because I was worried having sex too soon would ruin things but i do really like him. I was tired of all my past relationship mistakes by sleeping too soon and never getting ...

A.   23 January 2019: I suppose that there is always a possibility that the man is already married. What is triggering the spidey sense here? Only 4 dates in 4 months? I could see that. There are a lot of reasons to take down a dating profile. Sure getting caug... (read in full...)

Should I be over his cheating?

Q.   I’ve been with my guy for over 6 yrs now. We got into a discussion yesterday about his twin boys momma. Saying you know we will have to be around her more. And I said “as long as nothing else happens again” due to him going behind my back a couple ...

A.   21 January 2019: Hey Crazy, Let me reassure you that your feelings are quite normal. 5 years is a very short time to recover from the emotional wound of cheating, or as he so crudely puts it "get over it". What he is trying to do is to rugsweep this so he does... (read in full...)

Should a man break up with a woman over not getting enough sex?

Q.   Been in a relationship for two years, am 63, she is 58, I work one job she has one full time job an a part time job. I pretty much live with her, own my own house to.what's up is maybe sex once every two months, she always got an excuse.she just ...

A.   21 January 2019: I'm going to be blunt and weather the scorn of the women here. There are 2 reasons a woman lives in a sexless relationship (less than 10 x per year) 1) She doesn't like having sex. 2) She doesn't like having sex with you. There is nothing you ... (read in full...)

Can we get married in a church if neither of us are religious?

Q.   My fiancee and I would like to get married in a church, however neither of us are religious. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this? Neither of our families are religious either. We have come across many churches locally and while ...

A.   18 January 2019: My religion must be weirder than I thought. We actually have 2 kinds of weddings. Church and civil are good translations. We would have little trouble with using a chapel for a civil marriage (though it is often done in a different room for ... (read in full...)

If a girl is interested in a guy, he jumps at the chance to go out with her, why won't this guy?

Q.   There's a boy in my class who's really cute, smart, nice, everything I like in a guy but he ignores me. I try talking to him and he either doesn't talk to me or tells me to leave him alone. I've passed him notes in class and left notes in his locker ...

A.   18 January 2019: Dear Original Poster, you have crossed over into the creepy stalker territory. At this point his rejection of your advances could be based on fear. The reason was probably something else before, but after the notes, and the homosexual accu... (read in full...)

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