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*atherly Advice agony aunt

*atherly Advice

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*atherly Advice's profile:

I'm in my early 50's. Married to my first wife. I have three adult daughters. I also have an adult son. I figure I've been around the block a few times. I do tend to be old fashioned in my advice, because I believe that old solutions can fit new problems. I am religious but I try to keep an open mind. I try to give my advice to the younger folks from the point of view of a friendly father. For older couples I use my own experience more.

I've been involved with online communities for over a decade. I seem to be very comfortable with this interface. I think it is important to remember, at all times, that everyone here is a real person.

Latest articles:

Gifts

No replies yet...

4 April 2018: This article is prompted by a question about take out soup. The OP felt slighted by her Boyfriend's offering. The subject is deeply symbolic, and crucial to a major love language and an important emotional need. The "Is the size of the take out ...

An old Uncle muses

No replies yet...

30 March 2017: My style of posting has been going through some changes and I thought I should share what's going on and why these changes. I'm rapidly moving into empty nest. I have 2 Daughters still living at home and they are both looking for their on place. ...

10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the cur10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the curbb

This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

29 August 2014: Cindy wrote an excellent article:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ten-best-ways-for-a-woman-to-be.html I felt that the article needed a counterpoint for the guys. I've sure read about a lot of guys mistakes and while I'm sure I will miss some, he...

Rejection

This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

21 October 2013: I just commented on a post by a guy who had a long history of rejection. The post tickled my memory all the way back to Junior High School (12 years of age). I was rejected a lot. I've got to say that out of the 15 or so girls in my class 10 ...

Wanted: Unattached Male

This question has 8 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

22 October 2010: I stumbled onto a news article online that has got me thinking. It was so much like a question here on "Dear Cupid". The author had just been through a breakup and was Writing advice based on her experience. She entitled the article something ...

Confessions of an Agony Uncle

This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 April 2009: On the 4th of November 2008 I signed up for a name and posted my first answer on this site. It was some quiet advice on career choices. Last night I posted my 100th. Just a bit of general advice on sex. In between I've gotten my ire up about ...

1234567891011Next > [59 pages, 2317 answers]

Can we get married in a church if neither of us are religious?

Q.   My fiancee and I would like to get married in a church, however neither of us are religious. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this? Neither of our families are religious either. We have come across many churches locally and while ...

A.   18 January 2019: My religion must be weirder than I thought. We actually have 2 kinds of weddings. Church and civil are good translations. We would have little trouble with using a chapel for a civil marriage (though it is often done in a different room for ... (read in full...)

If a girl is interested in a guy, he jumps at the chance to go out with her, why won't this guy?

Q.   There's a boy in my class who's really cute, smart, nice, everything I like in a guy but he ignores me. I try talking to him and he either doesn't talk to me or tells me to leave him alone. I've passed him notes in class and left notes in his locker ...

A.   18 January 2019: Dear Original Poster, you have crossed over into the creepy stalker territory. At this point his rejection of your advances could be based on fear. The reason was probably something else before, but after the notes, and the homosexual accu... (read in full...)

I see his ex as a threat. Am I being silly or do I have reason to worry?

Q.   I am probably being silly but my partner was married a few years ago and been divorced over ten years. He has told me that how he feels about me is far deeper than his ex wife, he said he was very unhappy with her and he looks back and knows it was ...

A.   17 January 2019: I'm going to give you some different advice. It's a different way to look at life. If you can wrap your head around this concept it will change the way you think about relationships. It can overcome the problems Owl mentioned. It includes a lot ... (read in full...)

I feel like he loves me but isn't interested in sex

Q.   My man and I use to have sex all the time, couldn't get enough of each other.for the past few months, he never initiates, he says he is having a hard time getting hard.I try all kinds of things, I even please myself in front of him. I feel like he ...

A.   14 January 2019: What will help depends a lot on what the basis of the problem is. At our age erectile dysfunction is as common as dirt. There are several middle age medical problems that can affect it. Weight, diabetes, high blood pressure, low testosterone, the ... (read in full...)

How can I discipline myself so I can learn how to drive?

Q.   Hello aunts and uncles, Do you have any advice on how could I discipline myself and do what I do not want to do, but have to - learn to drive? I'm 41 and had deluded myself so far that I may somehow avoid having to get a licence. I'm otherwi...

A.   12 January 2019: This may seem off the wall. Try playing a flight simulator game 3 times a week. Driving is a true multi tasking skill you have to keep track of several things at once. This is harder for some people than others and has little to do with ... (read in full...)

I found evidence that my wife has been cheating. She denies it. Is she lying?

Q.   I recently found out my wife of 12 years has been seeing a guy from work for the past 3 months. I found a messenger conversation between her and her friend. In it it says they are like love sick teenagers. She talks about getting caught with him in ...

A.   6 January 2019: By the typical pattern of cheating couples she is admitting to as little as possible. You may have confronted without enough evidence. Best thing to do at this point is to send your evidence to the other mans wife and your wife's boss / HR dept. ... (read in full...)

Sex has changed with my partner ever since my dad died. How can I fix this problem?

Q.   Hi. Since my dad died 4 months ago, I have been having a hard time going back to the sexual self I used to be. I used to be more aggressive in bed and liked more animalistic sex, but since my dad died, it seems I am unable to go back to that. The ...

A.   2 January 2019: You wish has given you excellent advice. I'd only like to add that your emotional needs have changed. A good book on emotional needs is His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley. It's an older book but very good for couples to explore together. ... (read in full...)

I can't forget the guy I cheated with.

Q.   About 6 months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a male friend. I won't go into details, but my boyfriend and I worked through it and I cut contact with the other guy. Today he sent me an email to wish me happy Christmas and said he misses me. I ...

A.   29 December 2018: Thanks again for following up. You are a survivor of Childhood sexual abuse. That explains why your partner is willing to move past this. Also it helps that it was an emotional affair with a one time physical event. That indicates a better ... (read in full...)

My step children's mother is creating problems

Q.   Dear Aunts and Uncles I need some advice please. Not sure where to go from here. I have 2 beautiful step children. They have just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday with their Mum. We didn’t know about this holiday at all as the...

A.   28 December 2018: This is a legal question and a referral to your legal professional. is the best advice you can get. Next best advice is to ardently avoid using the children as pawns in the post divorce power struggle. ... (read in full...)

I can't forget the guy I cheated with.

Q.   About 6 months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a male friend. I won't go into details, but my boyfriend and I worked through it and I cut contact with the other guy. Today he sent me an email to wish me happy Christmas and said he misses me. I ...

A.   28 December 2018: Thanks for the follow up! So what is it you want? Do you want to continue the reconciliation process with your secure man. The man who couldn't help you when you passed through that hard time. Or, do you want to rekindle the relationship with... (read in full...)

My ex saw my hairy nipples! Is that enough to end years of great sex?

Q.   The other night I ran into my ex while drunk and went home with him. It was spontaneous and so I didn’t have time to “prepare” myself for him.. I didn’t sleep with him that night (although he tried, persistently) but everything seemed as it was...

A.   27 December 2018: This is what happens when you mix relationships with alcohol. Exposed nipples, sans depilation. Never make important decisions under the influence. About that hairy problem. This is a permanent part of you. any long term relationship is goin... (read in full...)

I can't forget the guy I cheated with.

Q.   About 6 months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a male friend. I won't go into details, but my boyfriend and I worked through it and I cut contact with the other guy. Today he sent me an email to wish me happy Christmas and said he misses me. I ...

A.   27 December 2018: Of course the affair partner is more exciting, he's new, he's forbidden, he is sharing the secret of your affair with you. Of course after you have decided not to settle with old reliable, he will not be so exciting and you will need a new affair ... (read in full...)

Boyfriend buys another woman a puppy

Q.   My boyfriend of five years ordered an unborn pedigree puppy for a female friend. She walks his dog when he is at work. During the time he sought out, and checked out breeders, I told him that I found this to be a highly inappropriate gift. During ...

A.   26 December 2018: This line from your original post troubles me quite q bit: "Headstrong, and not letting a woman tell him what to do, he did it anyway." You sound like a teacher or mother of a teenager. If your man is similar in age to you, he will not do what ... (read in full...)

His ex was HOT ... is he settling for me?

Q.   My bf and I have been dating a little over a year. This insecurity of mine is due to one particular ex coming up several times in our convos. Always comes up about how guys swooned over his ex because she was hot. My bf says I'm the best he has ...

A.   11 December 2018: It never fails to amaze me, the lengths people will go to mess up their lives. Number one, you and your man have fallen into the bad habit of talking about prior lovers. Nothing positive ever comes of that. You don't want to hear about her any ... (read in full...)

Am I being unrealistic. Is it too late to change my thinking?

Q.   I really hope that men in particular won’t take this question. Personally because obviously it’s not aimed at anyone and I realise that there must be good men in the world but I want to ask if any women have experienced similar to me and how they ...

A.   11 December 2018: Please do continue posting. Even make an account. Your clarity of thought and self understanding are refreshing. When you are okay with talking with men we will be around.... (read in full...)

What can I get for my ex for a wedding present?

Q.   Dear agony aunts, I’d like to get wedding gift suggestions for my ex girlfriend’s marriage coming in a few days. We broke up earlier this year and we started talking 6 months later. I found out she was engaged to a guy and since then, our friendship ...

A.   11 December 2018: Can't go wrong with good towels made of Turkish Cotton. On a Side note, I don't know your culture, but ex lovers are not often welcome at weddings. Step carefully.... (read in full...)

My boyfriend of 3 years doesn't want to have children. I dream of having them

Q.   Hey everyone. So ive been with my boyfriend a year now and we started talking about kids i commented how good he is with his nephews and how hed make a great dad one day to which he said he doesnt want any children. This crushed me as he knew from ...

A.   3 December 2018: It's never a good idea to get into a relationship thinking someone will change. It appears from your post that this is exactly what your BF has done. He knew you wanted kids he knew he didn't. he was hoping you would change. He should have told ... (read in full...)

Who is the cheater?

Q.   If you have a baby with a man and he ditches you and then some years later you meet him again and he goes back to wanting to sex you again and you can't stop wanting to see him and then you find out he already has a girlfriend who he is still ...

A.   25 November 2018: Umm he's a serial cheater. You are a complicit affair partner. But only because he hid his current relationship from you. Here is the important thing. Why would you want him back? Let's look at his stellar qualities. He is unfaithful i... (read in full...)

Should I ask her to wear leather to bed to spice things up?

Q.   Hi, this is quite a awkward question but I wondered if anyone else has had something similar. I want to spice up me and my girlfriends sex life. I have a bit of a fetish for girls in leather boots and gloves. My girlfriend is by far not someone ...

A.   25 November 2018: I asked and got a positive response. Your mileage may vary. I'm quite a bit worried by your statement, "My girlfriend is by far not someone who would wear these normally in everyday life." Many women in countries like yours and mine have a lot ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend's best friend doesn't like me and is trying hard to get him away from me

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been dating for around six months. I have a 16 month old son so things have gotten pretty serious between the pair of us. The relationship is great and he’s going to propose at Christmas. However his best friend never li...

A.   21 November 2018: I need to know 2 things in order to give advice here. How old is the boyfriend? Are you living together?... (read in full...)

She's 18, I'm 25. Am I a creep for talking to her?

Q.   I've been doing some online speed dating to fire up my social life. Recently I met a girl (and fellow foodie). It was almost too easy to small talk my way to a date this Thursday. The problem is, she is 18... She just finished highschool and is ...

A.   21 November 2018: 18-25 is pretty much ok. Mostly based on the idea that you can't keep 18 year old females away from 25 year old men. Some things to think about are, her readiness for a permanent relationship. In this time many 18 year olds have not really dated. ... (read in full...)

I'm 22 and she's 35 should I continue the relationship?

Q.   I met an amazing woman the other day. I've already gone out with her a couple of times and we've even had sex. The only thing is that she's 35 and I'm 22. She also has a 10 year old boy. I've tried to talk myself out of this a million times, but ...

A.   18 November 2018: "Age and weight are just a number. They shouldn't matter when you really like someone." Species and gender are just words.... (read in full...)

I'm 22 and she's 35 should I continue the relationship?

Q.   I met an amazing woman the other day. I've already gone out with her a couple of times and we've even had sex. The only thing is that she's 35 and I'm 22. She also has a 10 year old boy. I've tried to talk myself out of this a million times, but ...

A.   16 November 2018: Tell us more. Your past relationships? Your earning power? Your interest in future children? You are diving into a very unbalanced relationship. It's kind of sketchy.... (read in full...)

He insists he has changed, can it be true? Or is this all a front to win me back?

Q.   I recently posted a question a few weeks ago about my situtation of after a long break apart, my ex boyfriend is claiming and insisting he is a changed man. We have met up occasionally as "dates" which often led to dicussing our relationship and set ...

A.   16 November 2018: I just have one stupid question. Are you looking for someone who doesn't say what you want to hear? or do what you want to see? to rephrase the question, Is there actually anything this guy could do to win you back? Best you tell him right aw... (read in full...)

What do I say to her to prove I’m genuinely sorry?

Q.   I’m here for advice and I’m looking for advice and don’t know what to do. I came across a female on a dating app who I really liked and we share things in common. there’s were going great until I said to her you’re ignoring me and now she is giving ...

A.   5 November 2018: I'm going to put my foot into this and go against the advice you have been getting. What you have here is a controlling personality (not you, her) Her method of control is passive aggressive. To deliberately misquote anonymous female. If you f... (read in full...)

I wont to move across country and leave this life behind, but worry if I am doing the right thing

Q.   Should I move across the country? I have grown up in New York - originally born in Europe but immigrate here when I was 9. I am 33 now single female and for my education oout if the way and currently working 89 hours a week to pay off my debt/loans ...

A.   26 October 2018: Most of the people moving into my state are coming from California because it is too expensive to live there. My question is Can you live in a non urban environment? It would be a major adjustment for you. But if you can still make *)k in a much ... (read in full...)

Should I be upset that my FWB partner is having sex with others and lied about it

Q.   I have been having sex with a friend but he said he having been with anyone else but I caught him with another woman should I be angry or not because we are not dating? please help me because im mad as hell....

A.   16 October 2018: For the sake of safety FWB relationships should be exclusive. of course the difference between an exclusive FWB relationship and a committed exclusive relationship is that the FWB relationship can be quickly dissolved if a noter partner comes ... (read in full...)

Will I ever find someone the same as my unrequited love or will I continue spiralling into an endless depression?

Q.   Over a span of about 3 years, I've fallen in love with someone who, not long ago, I decided to open up to. They told me that they only want to stay as friends, which has deeply saddened me. They were the only person I've been interested in ever and ...

A.   15 October 2018: Actually finding a duplicate is a bad idea. Try someone different enough not to remind you of her. I do agree with Andie, that at your age this isn't likely the big one. In my half century I have only met one man who held a torch for his unre... (read in full...)

Engagement called off due to past relationship how do I fix things?

Q.   I was engaged to a wonderful guy.He is a virgin and have very high Morales and values.However, i lied to him about my past relationship and virginity. Engagement called off due to videos and pictures of sexual activity and intimate ones,ta...

A.   12 October 2018: "What should be done to convince my family and his family?" I have no good news for you. I have a basic understanding of your culture, and I don't see a path back here. Ignoring the cultural influence, we find in research that many betrayed... (read in full...)

He’s made me feel worthless, after 6 years, what advice can you give me?

Q.   Hello everyone I’m in a situation and I don’t know what to do so I’m hoping for some good advice I’m in a relationship now for 6 years the past year or so he has made me feel worthless like I’m not good enough for him he makes no effort with how he ...

A.   3 October 2018: I have some serious advice for you. It is very important, but it is going to sound harsh. So I hope you read through it without getting too offended. I'm not attacking you. I'm not excusing his poor behavior. I'm really trying to help you ... (read in full...)

How can I get better at finding the one?

Q.   I wanted to get some advice since my love life is a mess ( or lack of). I have been single for a year and a half and I have tried a lot of things to find the “one” but nothing - I can’t seem to connect with men and the ones I do connect with or ...

A.   17 September 2018: Well at your age . . . don't you think it's about time to get past that bad boy thing? The men you are attracted to have horrible personalities or trash talk their partners. It is no wonder you have trouble trusting men. You don't want the trus... (read in full...)

How could he move on so quickly?

Q.   I ended my relationship with my ex back in February not because we no longer loved each other but because we both had different out looks on life. Realistically it wasn't going to work. I left our house and moved back home. My ex was distraught and ...

A.   11 September 2018: You ended the relationship. You moved out of the house you bought and decorated. You stopped going on holidays with him. You left his family and hurt him. You got what you wanted. #1 That is the really great thing about divorce, You don't g... (read in full...)

Do I leave a new job after only 5 months? It seems to be a bad fit

Q.   I feel conflicted as I just took a new job in April and after only 5 months it seems to be a bad fit. The department is very cliquey and back-stabbish, I feel like I don't fit in, one of the people has been very rude to my face and plays it off as ...

A.   11 September 2018: As a former employer I like applicants who stay in their jobs six months or longer. You are almost there and by the time you find a new job it should be at least 6 months. Please take the excellent advice to find a new job before you tell anyo... (read in full...)

How important is respect in a marriage?

Q.   How important is respect in a relationship? I am back in the dating scene after 2 years and this always seems to come up for me in terms of “respect” My father has been legally married to my mother for 33 years ( I’m in my early 30”s) an...

A.   6 September 2018: A good solid definition of Respect from your point of view would probably answer your question better than we can. To me respect has little to do with criticism and control, and a lot more to do with Boundaries and Trust. 33 years is a long tim... (read in full...)

Does my best friend like me as more than a friend?

Q.   I’m 16 and my bestfriend just recently turned 17. We are best friends. But recently, I have noticed some interesting things going on. He has been telling me that he loves me, he misses me, and lots of heart emojis. We have been bestfriends for ...

A.   6 September 2018: How do you feel about the words and emoji's he is using? How do you feel about transitioning from friends to dating? What will happen next year when he is at University and you are in High School? I'm sorry that I cant answer your question... (read in full...)

I just can’t shake the feeling that he’ll be benefiting from me!

Q.   Hey, so I have a dilemma! My boyfriend of 6 months is due to move in soon, I'm very happy and so is he, we adore each other. I have my own place which is owned by family, I don't pay any rent, my grandmother pays for the service charge whic...

A.   22 August 2018: This is a difficult question. It really has more to do with your feelings than with the money. Here is a very old story about generosity and fairness. I'm interested in how you feel about the fairness of the situation. "For the kingdom of heav... (read in full...)

She likes slaps and I like kisses. We have a baby girl but I don’t see how this will work!

Q.   More than a year ago, I started dating a girl who I was exactly smitten by but wanted to see how things would progress. I was introduced to her via a friend so I really wanted to see where things would go. During the first few weeks, we got on ...

A.   16 August 2018: There are times when rushing into marriage is not in the best interest of the baby. Generally it is done for the baby, but often the marriage created is not healthy enough for children. I'd like to go over a few points in your history. One Raw,... (read in full...)

He’s chubby and it turns me off!

Q.   So I went for a date with this guy on Monday and it went gd, he's asked me to go to a wine tasting evening after he comes back from holiday with his parents in a fortnight. However, he’s cute (he’s half French and has the accent), has a h...

A.   16 August 2018: There are times when you have to go back and rethink your answer. Since my reply this has turned into a question of what is shallow? and how much of a problem is that? So Shallow means you make snap judgments without considering more than a narr... (read in full...)

Any advice please I’m pregnant and I feel like he doesn’t care

Q.   My boyfriend stemmed to be happy that I was pregnant until I pushed him away and deleted my Facebook and Instagram for a break. He hurt me I had enough I deleted social media so he doesn’t know how I am since we are long distance. He literally knew ...

A.   15 August 2018: This may seem harsh but I'm not talking down to you, I'm just trying to help you understand why he is doing what he is doing. This guy is a cheater, he has been keeping up a long distance relationship with you and having some action on the side... (read in full...)

He’s chubby and it turns me off!

Q.   So I went for a date with this guy on Monday and it went gd, he's asked me to go to a wine tasting evening after he comes back from holiday with his parents in a fortnight. However, he’s cute (he’s half French and has the accent), has a h...

A.   13 August 2018: "hot green eyes" Apparently your only physical attraction to him "he’s slightly chubby" . . . " I find it a massive turn off. I'm not shallow honest," Yes, you are. "I rubbed sunscreen on him" That is certainly going above and beyond to test the... (read in full...)

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