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*atherly Advice agony aunt

*atherly Advice

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*atherly Advice's profile:

I'm in my early 50's. Married to my first wife. I have three adult daughters. I also have an adult son. I figure I've been around the block a few times. I do tend to be old fashioned in my advice, because I believe that old solutions can fit new problems. I am religious but I try to keep an open mind. I try to give my advice to the younger folks from the point of view of a friendly father. For older couples I use my own experience more.

I've been involved with online communities for over a decade. I seem to be very comfortable with this interface. I think it is important to remember, at all times, that everyone here is a real person.

Latest articles:

Gifts

No replies yet...

4 April 2018: This article is prompted by a question about take out soup. The OP felt slighted by her Boyfriend's offering. The subject is deeply symbolic, and crucial to a major love language and an important emotional need. The "Is the size of the take out ...

An old Uncle muses

No replies yet...

30 March 2017: My style of posting has been going through some changes and I thought I should share what's going on and why these changes. I'm rapidly moving into empty nest. I have 2 Daughters still living at home and they are both looking for their on place. ...

10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the cur10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the curbb

This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

29 August 2014: Cindy wrote an excellent article:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ten-best-ways-for-a-woman-to-be.html I felt that the article needed a counterpoint for the guys. I've sure read about a lot of guys mistakes and while I'm sure I will miss some, he...

Rejection

This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

21 October 2013: I just commented on a post by a guy who had a long history of rejection. The post tickled my memory all the way back to Junior High School (12 years of age). I was rejected a lot. I've got to say that out of the 15 or so girls in my class 10 ...

Wanted: Unattached Male

This question has 9 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

22 October 2010: I stumbled onto a news article online that has got me thinking. It was so much like a question here on "Dear Cupid". The author had just been through a breakup and was Writing advice based on her experience. She entitled the article something ...

Confessions of an Agony Uncle

This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 April 2009: On the 4th of November 2008 I signed up for a name and posted my first answer on this site. It was some quiet advice on career choices. Last night I posted my 100th. Just a bit of general advice on sex. In between I've gotten my ire up about ...

1234567891011Next > [57 pages, 2259 answers]

I don't want to lead her on, but I don't want to flat out reject her as I don't want to hurt her that way either

Q.   Dear all I need some advice. I met a girl online several months ago, as a language exchange. That was all I was looking for and her too i believe. We get along great and have learned a lot together. Our personalities are very similar, lots of ...

A.   22 May 2018: OP says, " its too soon for me to feel anything, that is just the way i usually am. " To me that says Demi sexual. Demi Sexual people need to develop a close emotional relationship before they can feel sexually attracted. Do you think that ... (read in full...)

I feel like a blow up doll!

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for over two years and when we first got together we had so much sex. Non stop multiple times a day. He even gave me my first ever orgasm. Things were great. But for some reason the past year I've been less wanting to ...

A.   16 May 2018: This is a Mating in Captivity problem. A reading of Esther Pearls book of that title would probably help. Essentially you are not excited because he is too close, or too familiar. All it took to reignite your fire was a change of scenery. T... (read in full...)

He’s taken to sleeping on the sofa! How do I approach this?

Q.   Hi I’ve been with my partner for 5 years our relationship has always been good we rarely argue but just lately he has taken to sleeping on the sofa it started out cos our daughter was poorly with a virus so I put her in bed with me so I could look ...

A.   14 May 2018: Sorry I wasn't online all weekend. That is certainly not a good answer to your question. Part of the difficulty of answering these questions is that we don't get all of the information up front. This answer let us know that you are enga... (read in full...)

My boyfriend and his cousin sister's behaviour made me sick to my stomach. Am I overreacting?

Q.   Please tell me if I'm being overly conservative. My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years, and this is the first time his aunt and two cousins, one 12yrs old, the other 14yrs old came to visit. Since this is my first time meeting the...

A.   10 May 2018: "I caught my boyfriend staring at them oddly, like he's jealous because he can't be close like that to her because I'm there now." I have never been able to deduce this much from one look. But even discounting this you have a very unhealthy situ... (read in full...)

Will my boyfriend come back to me?

Q.   So my boyfriend well ex dumped me around two weeks ago out of the blue and of course i broke the no contact rule and texted him like five days after but it's been a week since we last communicated, But he left due to stress and his life being a mess ...

A.   9 May 2018: Stress: There was stress before the relationship, it didn't stop him then. In the US at this time of the year teens are at peak stress. Stress can cause depression or anxiety and make holding down a relationship difficult. Life being a mess: Ass... (read in full...)

What’s the worst that could happen? He doesn’t want the threesome and I think it’s a bad idea too but I still want it!

Q.   Sorry, this is very personal and embarrasing and long so you can stop reading if you’re offended by threesomes or anything taboo. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over two years amd we have lived together since 6 months together and we’r...

A.   8 May 2018: Thanks for more follow up. That adds a lot to your question. Some relationships are based on jealousy and fear. They tend to be short and volatile. Mature long term relationships are based on love and trust. You will need to shift your thinking ... (read in full...)

He’s taken to sleeping on the sofa! How do I approach this?

Q.   Hi I’ve been with my partner for 5 years our relationship has always been good we rarely argue but just lately he has taken to sleeping on the sofa it started out cos our daughter was poorly with a virus so I put her in bed with me so I could look ...

A.   8 May 2018: I take it the co-sleeping (Child sleeping in your bed) was a short term thing and is long over. (she hasn't slept with you for months). The article I read listed co-sleeping as a valid cause for "sleep divorce". Personally I side with Doctors and ... (read in full...)

I’m 19, nearly 20, and my parents object to me dating anyone!

Q.   Awhile ago, I posted a question and well another issue has arisen. I'm a 19 year old trying to get my parents to start letting go now as in loosening their grip on me a little. I know for a fact that I really started growing up since I was 15 y...

A.   4 May 2018: All of my children are older than you. I was 3 in 1969. Your parents are almost old enough to be my parents. I say this just to explain the generation I am speaking from. When I was 12 I had a female pen pal. (that is a friend that you writ... (read in full...)

What’s the worst that could happen? He doesn’t want the threesome and I think it’s a bad idea too but I still want it!

Q.   Sorry, this is very personal and embarrasing and long so you can stop reading if you’re offended by threesomes or anything taboo. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over two years amd we have lived together since 6 months together and we’r...

A.   4 May 2018: Thanks for the follow up. Good choice.... (read in full...)

What’s the worst that could happen? He doesn’t want the threesome and I think it’s a bad idea too but I still want it!

Q.   Sorry, this is very personal and embarrasing and long so you can stop reading if you’re offended by threesomes or anything taboo. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over two years amd we have lived together since 6 months together and we’r...

A.   3 May 2018: The simple answer is you have to make a choice. There is a ton of stuff in your post and I could spend a week talking to you about it. But to get you through this real crisis you need to cut it down to One simple thing. you want to have a sexual ... (read in full...)

I pretended to be another woman and my fiancé told “her” he was single!

Q.   My partner of 3 years has asked for my hand in marriage. At this point there are issues that make me unsure if I want to make this lifetime commitment with him,the big one being trust issues. He has cheated on me several times. Upon discove ering ...

A.   3 May 2018: It's kind of a juvenile thing to do, but in your case I see it as smart. He has a known history, he has bad influences, and he is hiding from you (guarding phone). You did the check before you accepted his proposal. You had legitimate doubts so ... (read in full...)

Should I report a teacher for teaching 7 year olds about sex?

Q.   3 days ago my 7 year old daughter came to my house asking me about why guys can only wear condoms, she was too curious to know more about sex and the male genital. I was shocked how she knew the word condom, from who and why she is asking me this ...

A.   2 May 2018: Thanks for bringing up the topic. I volunteer with 8 year olds. I'm often surprised by what they understand and ask questions about. They are smarter than you think. It's amazing what they can learn and do. Your question and the responses have... (read in full...)

Why does my ex married lover want to fix things?

Q.   I really don't know what to anymore about my situation. I left my married lover because it was the right thing to do and it was hurting me. We are both military (one outranks the other) so it complicates things in terms of actually having a ...

A.   1 May 2018: I picked up two new interesting facts from your follow up. One is that you did not willingly get into this affair. That usually means that there was some kind of deception. Commonly the married affair partner hides their married status from the ... (read in full...)

Why does my ex married lover want to fix things?

Q.   I really don't know what to anymore about my situation. I left my married lover because it was the right thing to do and it was hurting me. We are both military (one outranks the other) so it complicates things in terms of actually having a ...

A.   30 April 2018: Solid advice all around. Due to my participation in this kind of message board, I get some very strange book recommendations from Amazon. Recently I stumbled in to a batch of books for women in relationships, or contemplating relationships with ... (read in full...)

I don't know if I can indulge his BDSM fantasies

Q.   So I am engaged and both my fiance an I want to experience our fantasies, but I am not sure if I can commit to doing his. Mine is a foursome with him and two other girls, I am Bisexual so I am okay with mine, but his is BDSM an I don't know if ...

A.   30 April 2018: It appears the OP has left the room. For those interested in an exploration of BDSM and american culture. I read chapter 4 of Mating in Captivity this morning. The Author Esther Perel, covers the topic, and why we fear it. BDSM is much less of a ... (read in full...)

He earns three times more but wants to split the bills 50/50

Q.   my boyfriend has recently asked me to move in with him. we had a conversation about our finances and his expectation of what i should contribute to the household expenses. He wants to split everything 50/50. We got into an argument over this because ...

A.   27 April 2018: Yes, if you do all of the maids work, you get the whole amount credited to your share. An hour commute to work will be expensive and rob you both of together time. Given this information, I think you should wait until you can find work closer to ... (read in full...)

Is it fair to let past experiences influence tis relationship?

Q.   I've been seeing a guy for about a month now and we started to talk about the future and what the relationship is and he tells me that last summer he was accused of raping his ex. At the time he was telling me with I had just had consensual sex w...

A.   27 April 2018: He told you because you could and should be doing a background check.... (read in full...)

He earns three times more but wants to split the bills 50/50

Q.   my boyfriend has recently asked me to move in with him. we had a conversation about our finances and his expectation of what i should contribute to the household expenses. He wants to split everything 50/50. We got into an argument over this because ...

A.   27 April 2018: As I read this I keep thinking about paying on a mortgage and not earning equity. On the face it seems unfair. But, honestly renters everywhere do this. Common as mud. I agree that the future of the relationship is bleak. And it isn't just the ... (read in full...)

I don't know if I can indulge his BDSM fantasies

Q.   So I am engaged and both my fiance an I want to experience our fantasies, but I am not sure if I can commit to doing his. Mine is a foursome with him and two other girls, I am Bisexual so I am okay with mine, but his is BDSM an I don't know if ...

A.   27 April 2018: I'm not nearly as worried about his fantasy as I am about yours. Having said that I would never engage in BDSM as a dominant with a reluctant submissive. On top of that reluctant dominant's aren't much fun. Here is the deal. You are enga... (read in full...)

He earns three times more but wants to split the bills 50/50

Q.   my boyfriend has recently asked me to move in with him. we had a conversation about our finances and his expectation of what i should contribute to the household expenses. He wants to split everything 50/50. We got into an argument over this because ...

A.   26 April 2018: Here is how I read the original post. OP is living paycheck to paycheck now paying all of her rent utilities and Groceries. Soon she will have student loan payments added to that. She will not have enough income to cover that. BF is offe... (read in full...)

Should I try harder to make up for his lack of effort?

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But for the past year now, I feel like he's been neglecting me. He's a hard-working man and I love that about him. But he doesn't ...

A.   16 April 2018: Looking at your relationship from the outside, it seems that you are getting everything you are asking for. You want separate houses, You want to spend half the summer away, you want time to work on your career, in short you want distance. So he ... (read in full...)

What do my husband's cuckolding fantasies mean?

Q.   My husband has lots of cuckholding fantasies and imagines watching me with other men. I have told him this will remain fantasy as I'll never do this in real life so that's not my question here My question is whether I should be worried that he ...

A.   14 April 2018: If you want to argue this out with me. Get an account and send a private message. ... (read in full...)

My husband wants to hide me from the girl he wants a baby with

Q.   i have been married for 4 years, i had to remove my womb due to medical conditions. my husband and i agreed on the operation. now he wants a baby so i said to him he must get someone very far and i dont want to be affected by it. he now got someone ...

A.   12 April 2018: I adoption available in your country?... (read in full...)

I'm having an affair wih my fiance's best friend.

Q.   I’m engaged due to be married September, I’ve started having an affair with one of his best friends. Now I don’t know whether I love his best friend. He’s asked me to not get married. My fiancé is a good man great father and stable. His frien...

A.   12 April 2018: Looking into my crystal ball I can rewrite your title for 3 weeks from now. I had an affair with my EX-fiance's EX best friend. The honorable thing to do would be to return the ring.... (read in full...)

What do my husband's cuckolding fantasies mean?

Q.   My husband has lots of cuckholding fantasies and imagines watching me with other men. I have told him this will remain fantasy as I'll never do this in real life so that's not my question here My question is whether I should be worried that he ...

A.   12 April 2018: an auntie writes, "guys are supposed to . . ." This is the hallmark of the thinking that is causing the OP so much pain. Stereotypes don't solve individual problems.... (read in full...)

How do I deal with the occasional need to be away from my boyfriend and his daughter?

Q.   Hello all, I am in a relationship with a loving, doting, compassionate father of a two-year old who while is not mine, is a true beam of sunshine and I'd do anything for her. I am twenty, yes--young, was raised without a father and a vague, abusive ...

A.   11 April 2018: Affection is not about deserving it. No one deserves the affection they get. Love is not earned. It is given freely. of course you can take care of your own needs you have been doing it all your life. Does that mean you should? Knock... (read in full...)

How do I deal with the occasional need to be away from my boyfriend and his daughter?

Q.   Hello all, I am in a relationship with a loving, doting, compassionate father of a two-year old who while is not mine, is a true beam of sunshine and I'd do anything for her. I am twenty, yes--young, was raised without a father and a vague, abusive ...

A.   10 April 2018: Part 3 Advice You are overcome by the emotions of this big complex relationship. You hide away to get some relief from it. But that is not the only reason. You are afraid. You are afraid of emotions you have learned not to trust. You are goin... (read in full...)

How do I deal with the occasional need to be away from my boyfriend and his daughter?

Q.   Hello all, I am in a relationship with a loving, doting, compassionate father of a two-year old who while is not mine, is a true beam of sunshine and I'd do anything for her. I am twenty, yes--young, was raised without a father and a vague, abusive ...

A.   10 April 2018: Part 2 In part 1, we laid down an understanding of love so we can talk about the trouble you are having with it. First I want to reassure you that it is not a problem with you loving. You have a desire and ability to love, you need practice and ... (read in full...)

How do I deal with the occasional need to be away from my boyfriend and his daughter?

Q.   Hello all, I am in a relationship with a loving, doting, compassionate father of a two-year old who while is not mine, is a true beam of sunshine and I'd do anything for her. I am twenty, yes--young, was raised without a father and a vague, abusive ...

A.   10 April 2018: Dear Nervous me, I was writing a very long and convoluted answer to your question. And I lost it all. Let's hope the second draft comes out better. Your post is one of the most heart wrenching I have read here. You have very aptly describe... (read in full...)

What do my husband's cuckolding fantasies mean?

Q.   My husband has lots of cuckholding fantasies and imagines watching me with other men. I have told him this will remain fantasy as I'll never do this in real life so that's not my question here My question is whether I should be worried that he ...

A.   9 April 2018: I want to focus on this question, "Does this mean I'm not exciting enough to him on my own(?)" snip "I feel totally inadequate." Cuckolding fantasy is not about your inadequacy. It is about his. It is not because he wants more FROM you. It is b... (read in full...)

My husband has turned into a hateful old man.

Q.   My husband of many years has become very verbally and emotionally abusive. He hates everyone including me. He has alienated even our children and no one comes to visit. I have a 50th high school reunion this summer and I intend on going..I am not ...

A.   9 April 2018: Dear seahag50, I talked this over with my wife over lunch, I think I missed a solution for you. As you have no intention of pursuing a new relationship, you do not need a divorce to start a life away from him. You can move out any time. I know... (read in full...)

I have a boyfriend but my best guy friend has a huge crush on me and it's making me uncomfortable

Q.   Hello there! I've been in a relationship with my bf for a while now, and I'm perfectly happy with him. He's not really the problem, I have - the problem is with one of my best friends. He's a year older than me and recently admitted to having a huge ...

A.   9 April 2018: If you never break your promises, then you should be a lot more careful about the promises you make. By keeping your promise to your long term guy friend, you are hiding the truth of your feelings from your boyfriend. Now lets talk about your desi... (read in full...)

Am I bored or is this the end?

Q.   I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We have been living together for 3 years. I keep asking myself the question lately- 'Should we be together?' He is into cars/geeky stuff/computers/food and that is pretty much all he is interested in....

A.   9 April 2018: I can't help but feel a sense of over the top irony when reading your post. You complain about infrequent sex, and follow up by saying that your libido is "Crap". You feel his love for you when he cooks for you but you say you are "fed up". but ... (read in full...)

My husband has turned into a hateful old man.

Q.   My husband of many years has become very verbally and emotionally abusive. He hates everyone including me. He has alienated even our children and no one comes to visit. I have a 50th high school reunion this summer and I intend on going..I am not ...

A.   9 April 2018: Working out some basic math It occurs to me that he has lived in constant pain for over 30 years. That is hard to imagine. Your marriage is probably around 45 years old. 30 more than 30 years with a stay at home disabled husband with SSI ... (read in full...)

My ex has said he would never marry me, but I want him back!

Q.   Does my ex still have feelings for me or not?. I dated him for a year and a half from 2015 until 2017. Then I left him for another man that we both know, who I was in a relationship with for nearly a year ( he broke up with me three months ago). My ...

A.   8 April 2018: OP asks: Does my ex still have feelings for me or not? What should I do? First question, I understand that you really want to know the answer to this but I'm not sure that the answer will bring you help, or comfort. Before the break up your boyf... (read in full...)

What kind of girl does a guy consider special and different?

Q.   What kind of girl does a guy consider special and different What about her physically mentally spiritually and emotionally will make her stand out from the rest? I hear a lot of women say things like “If a guy loses me, he’ll never find any...

A.   5 April 2018: As an experienced man, I'm really having trouble answering this. I've just read some questions from women complaining that their man doesn't treasure them or make them feel special. 20 years ago when my younger brothers were getting married, their ... (read in full...)

How do I move forward with my new boyfriend after cheating on him?

Q.   Hi, I previously asked a question relating to the situation I found myself in. To be honest I had some rather rude and insensitive answers from one particular user but each to their own opinion. Basically I was in an violent abusive relation...

A.   5 April 2018: So your question is what should you do to move forward. I read your previous post and saw nothing I could add at that time. This post has more details but is at the same time even more incriminating. You have done some horrible things, and you ... (read in full...)

Was my husband lying about not loving the other woman?

Q.   is my husband lying to me when he says he never loved the other woman? I found messages and video with him telling her he loves her...

A.   4 April 2018: While there is no way to know, the odds are that he will say anything to get out of hot water. The truth is complicated. He loves you , but not enough to protect you. He loves her but not enough to give himself to her. He loves himself enough ... (read in full...)

Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend?

Q.   I am in a long term relationship and my gf isnt interested in sex. I've always had a higher sex drive than her but she only wants sex when it is her cycle for a kid. I want a kid but college is starting to get stressful and I dont think I want to ...

A.   4 April 2018: Do not do anything with this woman that could result in a pregnancy! ... (read in full...)

Is the size of the take out he brought home a sign he is becoming cheap?

Q.   After dating selfish cheap guys, I'm pretty gun shy. My bf has always been generous w/me and we do pay for each other pretty often. Today he went out to eat and I couldn't make it, so I asked him to bring me some soup. I'm not one to eat a lot, but ...

A.   4 April 2018: Questions you need to ask yourself before ending the relationship. - Does he show a pattern of doing the minimum in filling all of your needs physical and emotional? - Are you punishing him for the sins of prior boyfriends? - Is something el... (read in full...)

Is the size of the take out he brought home a sign he is becoming cheap?

Q.   After dating selfish cheap guys, I'm pretty gun shy. My bf has always been generous w/me and we do pay for each other pretty often. Today he went out to eat and I couldn't make it, so I asked him to bring me some soup. I'm not one to eat a lot, but ...

A.   3 April 2018: That is a tough situation. Hard for him. There are 2 places my Wife and I eat that have good soup. I'm not a soup guy so it takes a bit to get me to order it. The one place offers a cup or a bowl. The cup is just that one cup, an appetizer. ... (read in full...)

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