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*atherly Advice agony aunt

*atherly Advice

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*atherly Advice's profile:

I'm in my early 50's. Married to my first wife. I have three adult daughters. I also have an adult son. I figure I've been around the block a few times. I do tend to be old fashioned in my advice, because I believe that old solutions can fit new problems. I am religious but I try to keep an open mind. I try to give my advice to the younger folks from the point of view of a friendly father. For older couples I use my own experience more.

I've been involved with online communities for over a decade. I seem to be very comfortable with this interface. I think it is important to remember, at all times, that everyone here is a real person.

Latest articles:

An old Uncle muses

No replies yet...

30 March 2017: My style of posting has been going through some changes and I thought I should share what's going on and why these changes. I'm rapidly moving into empty nest. I have 2 Daughters still living at home and they are both looking for their on place. ...

10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the cur10 ways a guy can get himself kicked to the curbb

This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

29 August 2014: Cindy wrote an excellent article: I felt that the article needed a counterpoint for the guys. I've sure read about a lot of guys mistakes and while I'm sure I will miss some, he...


This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

21 October 2013: I just commented on a post by a guy who had a long history of rejection. The post tickled my memory all the way back to Junior High School (12 years of age). I was rejected a lot. I've got to say that out of the 15 or so girls in my class 10 ...

Wanted: Unattached Male

This question has 9 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

22 October 2010: I stumbled onto a news article online that has got me thinking. It was so much like a question here on "Dear Cupid". The author had just been through a breakup and was Writing advice based on her experience. She entitled the article something ...

Confessions of an Agony Uncle

This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 April 2009: On the 4th of November 2008 I signed up for a name and posted my first answer on this site. It was some quiet advice on career choices. Last night I posted my 100th. Just a bit of general advice on sex. In between I've gotten my ire up about ...

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Suggestions please on how to help his aim

Q.   I got a question and it's not drama and I think it needs to be answered guys my husband iS a hunting man so I ask guys how can you hit a deer at 300yards and miss toilet seat at 3 feet...

A.   20 August 2017: This is a recent development?... (read in full...)

Is it right to ask for help?

Q.   Should a person who is sick or not feeling well ask for help? Like: A lift home from a doctor's appointment or from hospital? Or for a friend to drop and check they are OK? This is if they have no family nearby or live alone. If you were havin...

A.   18 August 2017: If you will not talk with your family, perhaps your friends see you as standoffish. As you say it isn't in your nature to ask for help. It probably isn't in your nature to accept help. You probably don't choose friends who offer help. P... (read in full...)

Is it too late to return his interest?

Q.   Afew years ago I started going to the gym and use to see this guy there who use to smile and look at me all the time, but at that stage of my life I was not looking for a relationship and my mental state and esteem was pretty crap. Silly me thought ...

A.   17 August 2017: It might be a good idea to check if he is in a relationship. If he keeps his facebook up to date you could find out there. If he is like me he hasn't posted in 2 years and it would be worthless. It is good to see that your confidence has grow... (read in full...)

Long distance friend thinks we are in a relationship

Q.   Around a year ago I met a woman on a dating/friendship website, she lives in America (and me in the UK). We message as often as we're both able to, considering the time differences, and a few weeks ago she called me for the first time. Since then, ...

A.   17 August 2017: Oh oh, she dropped the R word. The old meaning of that word "relationship" was not so loaded. Now the term could mean committed relationship, exclusive relationship, romantic relationship or all of them. Certainly you have a friendly relationship ... (read in full...)

How do I talk to him aboug where we stand?

Q.   I've been dating a lovely man for 23 months and no sex. He says he has libido problems but does nothing about it. We have good times when we are together and he phones me every night to discuss his work. I know that I'm more attracted to him, ...

A.   17 August 2017: From your description, he is emotionally invested in the relationship and has strong emotional ties to you. At this point in his life he may be asexual in orientation. I was talking with an asexual person the other day. I was quite surprised when ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend is waiting after a fight for me to says its all my fault. I'm not going to do that again.

Q.   Hey all, My partner of five years and I had a fight two days ago and we haven't spoken since and I miss her a lot. Usually I am always the one that goes running back and gets us to make up but I'm just tired of her never making that effort. ...

A.   15 August 2017: Looks a lot like incompatibility to me. She wants or expects something from you that you are unable or unwilling to give or be. Wow there are a lot of or's in that sentence. The telling point to me is when she became more passionate and ... (read in full...)

Any advice on reconciliation?

Q.   Hello, my ex' and I have been chatting for the last couple months again and getting closer. We talk to each other all day and even make time to spend with each other a couple days a week. I'm taking her to lunch tomorrow and am going to ask to ...

A.   14 August 2017: your story needs more details, but there is some general advice I can give you. Reconciliation requires, more than anything, building trust. This will be harder than the first time because you are not starting at zero, you are starting way deep in ... (read in full...)

How do I get my boyfriend back on track?

Q.   My boyfriend and I are not acting the same lately? We've been together for over 2 years. We had a discussion a few days ago about his lying (over something minor) but since then, it makes me feel differently. When I confront him, he doesn't have ...

A.   10 August 2017: I am really reading between the lines here. Since your "discussion" you don't feel the same way towards him. By that I take it the discussion didn't go well. When he talks to you now there is no rational. I think that means that his comments ... (read in full...)

I want sex every day

Q.   Hey just need abit of advice. Me and my partner have sex at least once a week, but i want to have more so everyday after i do ask if shes up for it but all she says is shes too tired been working go play with yourself i used to work alot of hours 4 ...

A.   10 August 2017: She has already gone off sex altogether. And when sex is less than once a month, she ended it long ago. The only advantage to rejecting her sexually is returning to a position of power. If you want your power back, you need to be financially inde... (read in full...)

I blurted out I LOVE YOU to my married boyfriend. Why does he still want to be with me?

Q.   I told my married boyfriend of 3.5 years that I LOVE HIM yesterday. It just came out. I did not mean to say it but I did. He was asking me why do I stay with a guy like him? He called himself average, boring, not so attractive yet said I am ...

A.   10 August 2017: Affairs offer something that marriage can't. Risk. Thrill, the smug satisfaction of getting a way with something. In this case Both affair partners are addicted to these rushes. neither would be as happy if he left his wife and married the other ... (read in full...)

My brother is about to be taken for a ride by an online Romanian stripper!

Q.   My older brother is marrying a 21 year old stripper from Romania to bring her to the US. He met her on a webcam girl site. It is likely a romance/green card scam. He is really in a mid life crisis (48) and this is totally out of character for him. ...

A.   10 August 2017: Well if he really into red pill stuff he probably plans on taking her for a ride. He may see the whole thing as a business transaction. He has plenty of first hand evidence of what women can do to him. Your suggestions will likely fall on deaf ... (read in full...)

Wife pushed for my promotion and now we're both miserable

Q.   I work in a science/technology/research field and I like my job. I have been at the same organization for over 20 years with increasing leadership roles. My last was leading a team of engineers performing tasks I enjoyed. Salary was very good, ho...

A.   3 August 2017: Are you willing to explore your relationship question further? I know you wrote quite a long post to start but it is really the story of one event. We need to know a bit more about her days and her history. Off the cuff. She is using your succ... (read in full...)

Can you hurt yourself using a dildo with no lube?

Q.   Can you hurt yourself by using a dildo without Lube and going way too hard at yourself? I believe I may have rip something in my vagina from using a rubber dildo without the lube, I was going pretty hard for a couple days like that, once a day until ...

A.   3 August 2017: Doctor now! And every time you have unexpected bleeding. people often avoid going to the doc out of embarrassment. doctors are used to it. it's nothing they haven't seen before. BTW heavy bleeding is Not a sign of pregnancy. Quite the opposite... (read in full...)

I want to tell my boyfriend that I'm unhappy with him watching porn but I don't know what to say

Q.   I recently discovered my boyfriend of 4 years watches porn and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I know and understand most guys watch it but I have no confidence and self esteem as it is, I always think I'm not good enough for him and have ...

A.   2 August 2017: There are two problems here. One he is using Porn. Two, You have no self esteem and are constantly comparing yourself. You think these problems are connected, but in fact these problems both were going on before you two even met. You have not ... (read in full...)

My ex boyfriend's girlfriend texted me telling to delete old posts from when we were dating

Q.   I got a message from my ex's current girlfriend. He cheated and immediately got together with her after our breakup. I took the breakup better than I expected and became happier. But he always texts trying to get back together. He also started ...

A.   1 August 2017: Well there you go. if you encourage a boy to leave his girlfriend to be with you you get to be a cheaters girlfriend. No wonder she is jealous. How could she trust him knowing what he did with her. I'd delete every picture that reminds you of ... (read in full...)

Is what we are doing right?

Q.   Hello everyone actually I'm quite curious to tell about my relation as I'm dating a guy and it's been just 1 mth that we have been in a relation and he always likes licking my boobs and he always like to put his hand n rub in my private part i a...

A.   27 July 2017: What is right, or wrong? What is good or bad? What is holy or evil? These things are questions of your own moral code. Perhaps you have no moral code. Perhaps you are questioning your moral code. As far as the moral question, I will give yo... (read in full...)

He walks out but swears he loves me. Please advise

Q.   I need some help please,my boyfriend is living with me but he has left me 3 times now,the First and second time I begged his mother and sister to get him. He came home on both occasions but for some reason he's done it again only this time I've ...

A.   26 July 2017: Some of my favorite general advice applies here. When someone tells you the truth believe them. He is in fact not good for you. You do deserve better. He is not coming back this time. As a side note, How do you feel as a 40's woman about bein... (read in full...)

How can I deal with her angry outbursts

Q.   My girlfriend seems to have a lot of repressed aggression. Every now and then it bubbles over. It can manifest in swearing, I mean real atypical cursing, and sometimes taking things out on inanimate objects like her sat nav being thrown across the ...

A.   26 July 2017: Sometimes when I read here I assume that the poster is in their 20's dealing with maturity issues. Then I see that in this case we are in the same age range. At your age you have seen a lot. You know how to keep yourself safe. You aren't ... (read in full...)

How to untangle this 'nightmare'?

Q.   I've been married for almost a year now and I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare. When something goes wrong, he never wants to sit down and talk about things. He becomes angry and defensive which leads us to nowhere. When I suggest solutions, he ...

A.   24 July 2017: I would suggest a mediator until you can work out this communication problem. Friend, parent, clergy, or marriage counselor. Anger issues are dangerous, be careful. ... (read in full...)

I was falling for him and had to end it

Q.   One of the hardest things I've done is ending an opposite sex friendship because we were getting closer than platonic admitted to having feelings for each other. There's a reason we can't be together, which I will not go into. We chatted almost d...

A.   24 July 2017: A sad tale, but not too uncommon. The results are normal, or at least typical. I believe your purpose in posting here is to understand what he is feeling, or what his emotions are. Well to be truthful we can only guess. The first thing you ... (read in full...)

Not enough 'me' time in seven year relationship

Q.   My fiancé and I have been on and off for seven years. I love him to the moon and back. we have lots in common and I enjoy doing almost everything with him, yet sometimes I need time...and he gets really upset/angry even. He texts me ...

A.   23 July 2017: I don't know your history, but this all sounds a bit off. 2 ways to look at it. One he is controlling and abusive. if that fits the rest of the facts you know what to do. Two you want to be in a relationship at your convenience. If that fits th... (read in full...)

Have I missed my chance to find a man, settle down and have a family?

Q.   What do you do if you want to find someone to share your life with and get married so much that your heart hurts, but you are in your thirties and feel like you missed your chance? I've had lousy luck with guys all of my life. All I want is to...

A.   23 July 2017: lonely weekend? Do things, Have hobbies. (not reading trash or watching television) Be generous with your smiles. Don't lie to your self.... (read in full...)

Why do men think its alright to comment on a woman's nether regions?

Q.   This is probably more of a rant than anything, but what is up with some men thinking it's ok to comment on the look of a woman's vagina/vulva?! Whether it's not neat enough, 'beef curtains', too hairy, it 'looks loose'... the list goes on! My m...

A.   22 July 2017: I actually refrain from commenting on hairstyles as well.... (read in full...)

I'm ready to walk, am I just being used as a babysitter?

Q.   hey, my partner sits on her phone all day does the odd chore round the house i mean when one of the babies does a dirty nappy she doesnt get down to cleaning it up she tells me babies pood so i end up doing it and been like that for years im a stay ...

A.   20 July 2017: A lot of stay at home parents feel the way you do. Don't get enough support from the working partner, don't get enough social time. Usually there are suggestions of chore charts, dividing house responsibilities, regular date nights. Even sugg... (read in full...)

She makes up things I've said - then criticises me

Q.   Hey guys, Need some advice here or just a way to avoid the unnecessary arguments altogether. In short, my girlfriend is continuously saying I've said things I've never said. It's driving me mad because if I defend myself about these things...

A.   19 July 2017: This abusive behavior is called Gaslighting. To avoid unnecessary arguments, stop seeing her. Never accept abuse. Of course you feel crazy that is the goal of Gaslighting.... (read in full...)

Engaged but I've seen someone new

Q.   I am engaged to a man whom I have been in a mostly happy relationship for 9 years. He cheated on me three years in with someone at work but we got over it. We are now engaged and the wedding is next year. My problem is, I'm absolutely obses...

A.   18 July 2017: So you initiated an emotional affair with one man, while you were engaged to another man. If I was your fiance the only conclusion I could draw would be that you don't love me, are not committed to me and are most certainly not going to marry me. ... (read in full...)

I can't deal with his passive aggressive behavior when I don't want sex

Q.   I met a guy, who is now my boyfriend, 3 months ago. He has made it clear he is really into me. I wasn't sure if I was atttacted to him enough, but he was lovely to me and we had a lot in common, so I went with it. I was very happy to fiND we worked ...

A.   18 July 2017: OK, so you have a prior relationship that was controlling and got very bad for you. Now your current Man is starting in on some controlling behaviors. You are absolutely right this is not the man for you. But your man picker seems to be a little... (read in full...)

I'm disappointed that he suggested such a crummy hotel. Am I overreacting?

Q.   Hi, thanks for your advice in advance. I'm 40 and my my boyfriend is 45. He took his children on a short vacation and asked me to go with them. I didn't accept his invitation because this is a new relationship, we have been together for 6 months, ...

A.   17 July 2017: Do you think it is a test? I mean if he knows how picky you are perhaps he is evaluating how you will react to a less than perfect situation. Dating is all about evaluating compatibility. there is always a chance you will find an incompatibility. ... (read in full...)

Will a guy wait for sex?

Q.   How long will men wait to have sex? I am 31 and I have had only two boyfriends - I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder and it's hard for me to be intimate because I always fear catching diseases. I am always mostly been celibate because of ...

A.   11 July 2017: Most guys will wait. At least for three dates. What you are talking about here is not waiting for sex, but avoiding sex as much as possible, forever. Here is the honest truth. Everyone has nonsexual relationships. We call these rela... (read in full...)

Is sex so important to my husband?

Q.   Hi aunts. I have been married to my husband for 3 years. Our sex life is not good at all. I was suffering from severe dyspareunia for which I didn't seek treatment for a long time as the thought of a doctor doing a over examination used to scare ...

A.   1 July 2017: "Our sex life is not good at all." "It was not like our sex life was horrible." "I sometimes used to avoid sex and we would go weeks without it." When you are healed, you will have a choice. You can continue to believe that sex isn't important,... (read in full...)

He wants to record us having oral sex and then send it to a friend?

Q.   Been seeing a guy right, everything was great.. Until he asked me a few days ago to let him record himself giving me "oral" in the not so usual send to his guy friend! Is this relationship between them normal? Do guys do this with their ...

A.   30 June 2017: Yes, 44 pretty much blows my assumptions out of the water. So what we have here is a 44 year old veteran of failed relationships making unhealthy relationship requests. Sounds like a lose / lose deal for you. Tell him NO and watch him fade into ... (read in full...)

He wants to record us having oral sex and then send it to a friend?

Q.   Been seeing a guy right, everything was great.. Until he asked me a few days ago to let him record himself giving me "oral" in the not so usual send to his guy friend! Is this relationship between them normal? Do guys do this with their ...

A.   28 June 2017: OP said "record himself giving me "oral" in the not so usual place." I'm not arguing with all of the good advice given, but if I'm reading this right I would think he should be the one worried about exposure. With the right camera angle all that... (read in full...)

How do I make the break for good?

Q.   I just read this article about having to let go of a true soulmate; that certain brands of soulmates come in fast, passionately - like a tornado only to be the impetus behind the ultimate crash and burn. So you love someone who also loves you b...

A.   23 June 2017: Pearl #1 Pop psychology articles are a dime a dozen. If you want something that applies to your unique situation you need a qualified specialist look at your situation. Your situation is not the same as the ones the article addresses. Pearl #2 ... (read in full...)

Should I end my it with my cybersex buddy ?

Q.   Hello Dear cupid , I have a issue..... I have a pen pal in another country he is in the U.K. And I'm in the USA we met on Instagram it started out friendly but gradually got flirty and sexual we are both really attracted to each other and have ...

A.   21 June 2017: Interesting questions. You are in an unsatisfying relationship that you consider as non exclusive. Should you end it? Yes you probably should, but would you rather? You see he is probably trying to give you room. and you have developed feelings ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I watch porn

Q.   Long story short my girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me cause she thinks I'm lying to her about not watching porn. It's rediculous if you saw how beautiful she was you'd understand. We've been exploring our sexuality together and I went o...

A.   20 June 2017: kew37 writes, "so I'm supposed to just lay dead like a fish and let our entire relationship be destroyed because of a simple misunderstanding?" I stand by my original advice. Or to put it in your particularly apt words, Your problem is not due ... (read in full...)

Why did he give up his trip with the boys?

Q.   My boyfriend turned down a golf trip with the guys next weekend. It's out of town and they go every year. He said it's because he knows I worry and he doesn't want to upset me. In the past I have given him grief. Many of the guys go to strip club...

A.   19 June 2017: Why did he do this? Because you gave him enough grief. Because he thought you would owe him one. Now you regret asking, because you find his decision weak and unattractive. And it is! You need to start clearly communicating with him. Of cou... (read in full...)

I'm tempted to punish him by cheating on him

Q.   Hey all!! I'm in need of some good solid advice and know this website would be my best bet for non sugar coated advice. I know I'm not the only person going thru this type of stuff, so please help me thru it. I've been dating the same guy for...

A.   18 June 2017: What on the earth gives you the right or responsibility to punish any adult? You are addicted to abusive relationships. Here is what you need to do. Get into counseling and find out what is making you do this. Get out of this relationship and ... (read in full...)

Is my ex meant to be back in my life?

Q.   How do you know if someone is being brought back into your life for a reason? My ex and I broke up almost 2 years ago and we had stopped talking for 4 months after we broke up, then out of the blue one day he texted me. And we've been talking eve...

A.   18 June 2017: Dear Other Woman, Get used to that title. You are engaging in intimate conversation with an engaged (to be married) man. This path leads to pain for you as well as for others.... (read in full...)

My boyfriend wants me to buy a cheap car instead of one I can actually afford

Q.   So I'm in a conundrum. My bf and I have been dating on/off for 5 years. We were friends for years first before dating. Currently, we disagree on a car, to understand the struggle, a lil history is needed. In the very beginning of our relationship...

A.   18 June 2017: My very strong advice to you is to sign over the title to the POS Mazda, to your ex boyfriend, and find a replacement who can keep a job. ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I watch porn

Q.   Long story short my girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me cause she thinks I'm lying to her about not watching porn. It's rediculous if you saw how beautiful she was you'd understand. We've been exploring our sexuality together and I went o...

A.   18 June 2017: Let me re-write the title for you. "my Keeper punished me for a misdeed that she imagined" Now read that a few times and think about how lucky you are to be free of this lopsided non- relationship. To reiterate what I've been saying for some tim... (read in full...)

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