A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I’ve just ended a 6 year relationship he preferred being at work and spending time with his dog than with me and his twin daughters who are 3 years old the problem is he is still living with me until he finds somewhere we split up 6 weeks ago I ended it and he simply said ok so I asked him if he had anything to say he replied I don’t know what to say and he went and done summat to eat for himself his dog died last week of old age it was 12 and had health problems he has never stopped crying for a week yet he wasn’t bothered about us splitting up can anyone shine any light on why he’s not bothered about us splitting up but gutted about his dog obviously I’m gutted about it to but he was old and it was expected considering the health problems he had thank you
View related questions:
at work, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (29 January 2020):
 ***AGAIN I HAVE TO ASK WHY DC IS NOT FLAGGING UP "FOLLOWUPS"! PURELY BY CHANCE I CAUGHT THE OP'S COMMENT.***
Apologies for the misunderstanding, op. Now that I have re-read your post carefully, word by word, I see that you do say the dog died AFTER the break-up, so I retract my previous comment and apologize. (Given that your whole post didn't contain one solitary punctuation mark, it was not the easiest to follow so you can hardly blame people for misunderstanding/misreading the content.)
I do have to wonder whether your (ex)boyfriend really "preferred" spending time at work? Do you have a paying job, or do you stay at home to look after your children? If the latter, then surely he works as a necessity, not a preference? With five mouths to feed (including his beloved dog), he needed to go out to work and earn money. When he came home, he probably needed to unwind and spend time with the dog he did not see all day. The dog was there before the children and should not have been pushed out. I get that he should have been making time for you and your children as well but this is another of those posts where I would love to hear the other side of the story.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2020): A dog is an innocent being, it loves you unconditionally, never tries to hurt you, and is just a source of pure joy.
Watching a dog die is worse than any breakup. It is also an experience of pure grief. Being dumped is NOT an experience of pure grief. Being dumped is an experience of humiliation, as well as many other complex emotions including grief. Emotions that men and humans try to hide out of pride and repressed anger, and/or disbelief and other reasons.
You say you love animals, but your claim is that he likes spending time with his dog over and above you. Well if you loved animals that thought would not even occur to you as you would BOTh have been striving to spend time with the dog. My boyfriend spends tons of time with his dog but I would NEVER, EVER see it as an "either or" scenario or take it as a personal insult like I am competing with the dog for his attention. HECK NO! The dog is our baby and I am thankful when he is at home with it! If he isn't spending time with you then I guarantee you it is not because you are losing a competition with his dog. That is a very immature way of seeing it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (28 January 2020):
 If all he said was "Okay" I assume that there has already been problems in the relationship and it wasn't completely unforeseen. Perhaps in the moment he didn't expect it so his reaction was very underwhelming. I read a study that said that females mourn the end of a relationship immediately while males take a while and shrug it off in the beginning in an effort to move on with life while you will find six months down the line; he's just begun mourning the relationship that ended six months before. It's a bit of a delayed response, I know, but it happens. I've had this conversation with guys that I know and they've backed up the fact with examples (like the one I just gave above). He probably acknowledges that it's the end but hasn't yet processed it.
With regards to the death of the dog... A death and a break up may seem similar to some people, but they definitely aren't the same. I love my pets. I've cried for all of my pets that have died. I get very emotionally attached to my pets (as do most people) so losing a pet is like losing a close family member. They're usually there witnessing all of the changes and losses that occur in a person's life. To try to compare yourself to the dog as in why would he cry for the dog and not you... Is pretty weird. I don't think you're trying to trivialize the loss though, you're just comparing the two. Which is odd. Let him grieve the loss of his dog and just wait your turn... It's coming but let the man grieve. It's in no way, shape, or form a competition and the two definitely do not match up in comparison. I'm actually not too sure what it is that you expect to come from him being miserable regardless of whether it's because of one thing or the other. It's like you want him to be in pain and scream it from the hilltops. People deal with things in different ways. Let him deal with everything in his own way without being offended over what he is or isn't feeling. Don't take it so personal.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): I think he was already done with the relationship when you ended it, and he was ok with it. Plus, as others have stated, he hadn’t “lost” you to the other side, and in fact he still sees you all around!
On the other hand, his dog is gone, and can’t be brought back. And he wasn’t “done” with his dog and ready to “end things” with his dog like he was with your relationship. Dogs are also very giving creatures so he probably only has happy memories wth his dog. It’s ok to be gutted about losing your dog. Most dog owners are when their dog passes away (and it’s probably unusual NOT to be gutted).
Don’t take offense to it though. You aren’t in competition with the dog. You have your own freedom and will to now move on to better things with your life now that you’ve cut your partner loose. You broke up for a reason after all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 January 2020):
 I think he knew the break up was coming, thus were able to hold his feelings in (whatever they may have been). A death, EVEN of a sick pet is SO darn final.
In general I think people are also MORE OK with a person (especially guys) to cry over the death of a beloved pet. Which means he perhaps didn't feel he could publically mourn the end of the relationship but he could at the death of his pet.
Also, you are still around and so are the kids. There is a difference. Huge one.
While you might have LIKED a bigger show of emotions, you probably also know him well enough to know he wasn't going to break down or beg or create drama when you ended the relationship.
I'd rather have this no drama ending than some overly emotionally WHY?!!! kind of break up. It's also better for the kids. While they might only be 3, they are little sponges that pick up on EVERYTHING.
The house you live in, is that YOURS or HIS or SHARED property? If it's the first, figure out how to LEGALLY evict him. If it was HIS and you moved in with him, then YOU need to find a new place to live with the kids. And if you bought this house together, you NEED to have solicitor look over the papers, maybe you can BUY him out. OR you BOTH need to sell up and split the profit (if any).
...............................
A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (28 January 2020):
 When you care for an animal, it becomes your companion and best friend. I feel for your ex. The loss of a family pet is just as bad as losing a family member. You shouldn't judge him on how he has reacted to this trauma. I also believe that he doesn't feel that you guys have split up as you've continued to let him live with you. That's inappropriate. Tell him to move out and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): Also if people read the question properly I ended the relationship 6 weeks ago his dog died last week i did not end it with him when the dog died I love animals and I am gutted about it myself
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (28 January 2020):
Personally I feel for your ex. He has just suffered a major trauma in his life - the death of his companion of 12 years - and you have chosen that time to end your relationship? I know there is never a "good" or "right" time, but really, a week after that? You've been together 6 years. You could not have waited a couple of weeks? Or was that the intention - to kick him while he was already down as "revenge" for - as you saw - his loving the dog more than you? Perhaps his lack of reaction was down to him already being emotionally drained?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): Well, I guess you can safely conclude that breaking-up with that fool was the right thing to do. The dog dying might have broken the dam, and he couldn't fake being unmoved by your kicking him to the curb!
Let me fill you in on men and how we show emotion. We hide emotion, if that's what anyone wants to see! We can keep a straight-face and stiff-jaw; while our insides are churning and tied in knots! If he was tired of you and fatherhood, then he's overjoyed...he can hide that too!
Lets address the relationship. I suspect that you and your man have been having problems on and off; probably over a long period of time. You decided to hold-on to him, in spite of unresolved problems in your relationship; or some stubborn-issues you never were able to fix.
"But you love him!" [*Sigh!*]
If children are introduced into the picture, and he doesn't seem to care about them; then you can further conclude he never wanted to be a father, husband, nor a family-man. You must have decided that for him! They are a blessing in spite of him! Bless their sweet little innocent hearts!
Six-years a girlfriend, no marriage proposal, but kids are added to the mix. They don't fix relationships; and they can't come as a surprise, or unexpectedly. If their home-environment is unstable, and the relationship they are born into is in trouble; one of the parents will end-up having primary-custody, because eventually one of them will have to go!
You get his poker-face for kicking him out! If you've decided to let him go! Fine! He won't give you the satisfaction of knowing he's all broken-up about it. He's going to be iron-man, a Vulcan, and show no emotion.
Well, his beat-up old dawg fell-over and kicked the bucket! His woman wants to kick him out! He never wanted to be a daddy...but ended-up with not ONE...but TWO daughters! If all he cared about was work, it's because he had a lot of mouths to feed, backs needing clothing, and everybody needs a roof over their head. That won't change just because he's gone! He's hoping you were just blowing-off steam. Stick around long enough, and you'll change your mind. Maybe?
Trust me, he's not just crying over that old-dog!
You should give him a set time-limit to remove himself from the premises.
You will need to get your legal-ducks in a row for your child-support. You should alert your biggest and brawniest male-relatives; if you should have any trouble getting him to pack his bags and move-out.
He won't give you tears, but he donated the sperm that made you a mom. That's his gift. His tears may be delayed for you; but most guys don't realize what the had until it's gone. That is, if you were more than he ever deserved; but didn't realize it until it was too late!
Don't fault the poor old-dog. None of this is his fault. If he cries for his dog, and not you; then now he will feel the sting of loneliness without all of you! You may not see it on his face, but it's all happening on the inside. He may have performed with all the tears hoping you'd feel sorry for him, and change your mind. You apparently have your mind made up!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): Honestly, THAT is the response I would give if someone broke up with me during one of the worst times ever- and if you truly love animals, your beloved dog dying IS one of the worst times ever. If you have the insensitivity to dump him at this time, again I would have a similar response of "okay fine then have a nice life".... except he said it more politely than that. He met your coldness with equal coldness. Tough life lesson there.
Your post honestly comes across as you are jealous of the energy and grief this man devoted to his dog. If you aren't overly fond of animals then YOU ARE IN THE WRONG RELATIONSHIP. Go get something that works for you and is fair to both of you! Stop wasting everyone's time!
I don't think you are matched.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 January 2020):
 That dog has presumably been in his life for most of those 12 years. It’s heartbreaking to lose an animal family member - often it hurts more than losing extended family. You don’t have to be jealous of the tears he cried over his dog.
As for him being in your house, sit down with him in public (maybe a café) and tell him you need him to move out within 30 days or you will have to get someone to help him move out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 January 2020):
 He doesn’t think you’ve split up. He’s still living there. He’s ignoring this “split” because he doesn’t believe you. I expect there is a pattern of you trying to end the relationship and his ignoring you.
I also suspect he is not actually looking for a place to live. Do you need help in having him removed from the house?
...............................
|
