A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A few weeks ago I was involved in an accident. At the time I wasn’t well, and my mind was not with it. My family cried over me which I found odd, and my partner. Could it be that I have been so desensitised that I could not understand? I had to lie to them to keep them relaxed, I faked being okay when I was in pain. I continued my routine and joked just to pretend I’m okay because I could feel them in pain when they saw me. I am very grateful, however I also needed my friends. My friends are nowhere to be seen, and it hurts. These guys are the ones I can actually explain everything to, and because they are men I can be honest and they won’t cry. They will tell me what’s what, it helps me put my head straight. I needed that chat, that advice that it’s going to be okay. But I’m recovering and it hurts more emotionally than physically that no one came to my aid. It makes me thing..wow I must be so bad that they don’t care? Strangers have been sooo kind to me that it’s making me hurt even more about my friends. Every time someone is nice it hurts, that strangers are kinder to me. And it hurts. Solution? Get rid of them, don’t speak to them because most likely you all will say they are not worth it. But what if your a person that people figure out as nice, (others call me harmless) and therefore they take the good and nothing else. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2019): Stop pretending you're okay if you're not. Everyone realizes the accident wasn't fatal, expect females to cry. If your buddies didn't show-up at the hospital, it's because they weren't taught how to pay respects.
Call them!
Unless your male-pride won't let you do it. Most men hate hospitals, they usually have trouble dealing with emotional situations that might make us cry; and they probably figured you needed time to hide and lick your wounds.
The rule is big-boys aren't supposed to cry; and maybe they only want to see you when you're in your prime and at your best. Otherwise, they're just self-centered cads, and aren't as much of a friend to you as you think.
Do any of them owe you money? Do you owe any of them money?
Just call them, invite them over individually; and have a man-to-man with each of them. Give them a chance to tell you what's-up with the MIA? If you don't like what you hear; or if it all sounds like a pile of bull manure. Dump 'em! Kick them out!
Just tell them each and everyone; that a buddy is supposed to show-up when one of his mates is down. You're disappointed in them. Then get-over it!
From now on, don't pickup anymore tabs, don't chauffeur anybody to or from the airport, no rides anywhere, no more lying to a girlfriend about his whereabouts; or let anybody crash at your crib when they're stupid drunk. Make them call a Lyft, or sleep in the bath tub. Not on your couch...presuming you have your own place!
If you're always the guy looking-out for the rest of the pack, now is the time to curtail your loyalty to a bunch of fair-weather no-shows who pretend to be friends!
If they're only friends when you pick-up the tab, now you know who your real-friends are. Not one!
A
female
reader, Manya  +, writes (28 August 2019):
Hi! I hope you are beginning to feel more
yourself mentally!
You said you were grateful to your family
and partner, and you should not be blamed
for downplaying your pain because, as a
sensitive man, it was hard to bear how upset
they were.
In no way are you a liar. Other people
might also make light of their pain to
protect their family and also because their
reactions would be something else you
had to deal with! It sounds like you are
very close to them and they love you very
much. They probably figured out you
were in pain anyway....
As for your friends, it's odd they didn't
come yet but that could be for any
number of reasons, including being
cautioned away until you were more
up to it.
My guess is that they will show up
pretty soon.
It's very bad this happened, no
time to "jettision" your friends. Give
them a little more chance.
I hope you continue to heal!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2019): Friend, you are way off base! If you are hurt or injured, it is the medical doctors place to tell you whats what!!! Thou shalt not bear false witness!!! That means do not lie!!! Your rant makes you sound like a psychopath. Your friends checked with your family, who YOU lied to about your status! Was there even a doctor or hospital involved in this whole event? Your family cried about your injuries, and you find that odd? Have you ever heard the words Love and Compassion? If you truly find your family members crying, to be odd, strange, unusual, or weird, then I suggest that you seek out psychiatric treatment, for your mental health problems and/or head injuries! I pray that you can get a handle on your thought processes!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 August 2019):
 So, you lied to your family about your actual status. You told them all was well, nothing to worry about, things are fine.
Has it occurred to you that your friends may have checked with your family, and were reassured that you were fine?
My advice to you is:
Unless there is some major family dysfunction, tell your family the truth about your situation.
Tell your friends that you need their support.
Accept help from your family. Dismissing their concerns and lying to them is like announcing you don’t consider them as family.
No one is a mind reader.
Just tell people when you need help, and what you are experiencing. Waiting around for people to suddenly realize that you’ve been lying to them about your actual status is passive-aggressive.
Being annoyed that they didn’t realize you were lying? That’s really not a healthy approach to fostering strong friend and family bonds.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2019): Different people handle situations differently.I get what you are feeling, like as if your friends abandoned you in your time of need.However, could it be that they are unapt to handle situations such as this? Some people just can't handle accidents and tragedies, and would choose to avoid such situations.My opinion is that they do want to visit you but they feel out of place and extremely uncomfortable. They won't know what to say or do around you, and they don't want to make you feel worse than you already are. It could be that they can't bear to see you in pain as well. It's not gonna be like those regular outings at the bar with these guys, where everyone is relaxed and throwing sarcastic remarks at one another.My advice is this. Tell your family members or partner. Ask them what happen to your friends, did they come or asked about you? Chances are maybe they did but were advised by your family members to come visit another time when you are better, because they thought you will be upset by their prescence. You have to ask for what you want.I hope you have a speedy recovery. And just concentrate on getting better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2019): Perhaps your friends don't really know what's going on?You said you've been downplaying your pain to your family and to your partner.There may be some confusion!?There must be some way you can communicate to your friends so they will realize you are ready to see them.I hope things get better soon!!Keep in touch!
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