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*o nonsense Aidan

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I'm a thoroughly modern brand of old-fashioned

This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
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12 August 2016: I was particularly amused by a recent comment about my views. I was described as living in “the 1950s,” which I found highly amusing. But when I’d had my chuckle, I got to thinking: what would it be like to be stuck in the 50s? How does the ...

I hate cheating, but not as much as a failure to forgive

This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
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23 August 2015: IT’s been the story that hasn’t gone away all week. Ashley Madison sent journalists in to a spin trying to access the 9.7 gb of data leaked on to the internet, trying to find any public figures who may be embroiled in the scandal. Suspicious spouses ...

Childless by choice: please stop judging us

This question has 2 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
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6 July 2015: This morning, as usual, I was perusing the questions on Dearcupid, when I stumbled across a question from a woman regarding her feelings about not wanting a child. Although I gave a comprehensive answer to the question, it touched a nerve with me, ...

On-line dating: my honest look

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12 January 2014: On-line dating: my honest look Those who read my column with any regularity will know there is considerable absence of references to my personal life. I am, for the most part, keen to concentrate on advising because, good advice is good no matte...

Revenge is sweet: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that.

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9 March 2013: REVENGE IS SWEET: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that. Revenge, they say, is sweet. Well British people have, if they have been following the news, witnessed a very public case in point to prove that the reverse can ...

Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies

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6 January 2013: Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies You may or may not know that in Ireland, the date of 6 January is known as Women’s Christmas (Nollaig na mBan). On this day, the tradition (still strong in parts of the country) is that men take responsibil...

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Can't wait for more with my gay hookup

Q.   I would really appreciate some help with this. For the past 5/6 weeks I have been talking to this guy on a gay hook up app. At first it was just the casual “hi, how are you?” sort of thing but then we got a bit dirty. 2 weeks ago we met up and ha...

A.   26 December 2017: Merry Christmas to you too. Look, you got a knock back. This guy said no, unfortunately he took casual sex first and got in to your head but it doesn’t change the fact. You’re not taking no for an answer. It sounds to me like you know it’s not goin... (read in full...)

I love him and want to be his but I don't want to get hurt

Q.   So I started dating this guy I never though I’d be with and fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. We had the best relationship. Well he joined the military a year after dating and I decided I was going to support him, that my love for ...

A.   17 December 2017: When he comes, I think you need to make sure that the talk happens and isn’t put off. In the end, if you would prefer to wait for him than not be with him, that is your position. His might be that he’s not prepared to ask that of you, and that he ... (read in full...)

Her kids and mine are cousins, is it okay to date?

Q.   So I have started to date or have been with and seen, my ex wife’s brothers ex wife I have a son with my ex and she has two kids with her ex who is my ex wife’s brother. Our kids are cousins but we both want no more kids. We both feel this could be ...

A.   17 December 2017: Is this okay? Of course, both of you are free agents and there was only a marital connection between you in the first place. Keep in mind that the kids are cousins so make sure you both keep in mind that whatever happens with the both of you, it ... (read in full...)

Is my boyfriend too sexually demanding?

Q.   I’ve been with my boyfriend around half a year. He has really bad anger issues which he has been trying to control but he still has his outbursts. One of the things that triggers these outbursts is when I don’t give him head when he wants it. ...

A.   17 December 2017: Don’t say anything to him, just get yourself out of this relationship urgently! First, you are performing sex acts on him against your wishes for fear of the consequences if you don’t. What kind of person would value your opinion and feelings so ... (read in full...)

He chose my friend over me but now I think he likes me

Q.   Me and this boy went out for about a month then broke up,he then turned for me for help cos he liked my friend.I got jealousy missed him and told him I love him.whilst he was making up his mind we were making out at mine.he then decided know and ...

A.   30 November 2017: What about hurting your boyfriend? Say you have a ‘friends with benefits’ set-up with this lad, how do you think your boyfriend will feel? That’s your friend and boyfriend both going to be hurt just so that you can get used by some guy who has ... (read in full...)

Heartbroken he has returned to porn

Q.   My boyfriend (27) and I (24) have been together for 2 years. We had been friends for 3 years before he asked me out. Around the 1 year mark maybe a little later my SO commented on how he doesn't even watch porn anymore. He said he just thought about ...

A.   29 November 2017: I think the anonymous poster has given you really good advice and I would endorse the answer fully. You’re making the classic mistake many women make when they are distressed by discovering a partner watches porn: you think it says something abou... (read in full...)

Am I right to doubt his fidelity?

Q.   We've been dating for two years. Mostly it's been great. Lately however I'm feeling hurt because he got drunk and told my best friend and me that he wanted to "play" with us both? My friends chalk it up to his drinking but now I feel like I'm not ...

A.   29 November 2017: Well, you have no evidence. He’s entitled to have friends, male or female. It’s also possible that he just says silly things when drunk: immature and disrespectful for sure, but not necessarily a sign of guilt. You say that you are insecure and that ... (read in full...)

Fallen for my priest. Help!

Q.   Oh my god I never see the day but I actually have a crush on my priest - for heaven's sake, the bloody priest. Is my love life that bad that I fantasise about him. My question is have you ever had a bad crush on someone your not suppose like...

A.   29 November 2017: It’s very simple: just do nothing about it. Do as Andie’s Thoughts suggests and try to think about something else. He isn’t going to find out and doesn’t need to know. It isn’t something that you need to confess either. It’s just a silly crush: ... (read in full...)

A good match but lack of passion troubles me

Q.   A few months ago I got out of a LTR that was passionate but troubled. I am looking for a new beginning in the future, but not right away. I want something that will last this time. I have a friend who is into me. He is a wonderful man, v...

A.   29 November 2017: Don’t underestimate the importance of chemistry and attraction. It’s sad but a fact of life that sometimes those who would be a good match for us in other ways just aren’t attractive to us in any physical or sexual sense. Unfortunately, that means ... (read in full...)

When is it time to tell my FWB goodbye

Q.   I've been talking to this boy for around 3 months every day and have always said it will be a causal thing. I guess it's as close a thing you can get to friends with benefits. We get on well and there are genuinely no deep feelings from either side. ...

A.   29 November 2017: Whilst you might be taking things slowly with the second boy (and good for you, by the way, for doing so), the fact is that nothing is going to develop with the first person. You’ve said there are no deep feelings from either of you, but the fact ... (read in full...)

I'd like to make this little fantasy real. Any suggestions?

Q.   Coming out as a gay girl on my 21st birthday was the best decision I ever made. I'm now in my mid-twenties and have a loving, trustworthy partner who I've known since my days at sixth form college - though not well enough at the time to have known ...

A.   22 November 2017: Good lovers like to get positive feedback from their partner. She might be the one to take the initiative but that might just be because you are more shy and, as you say, happy with it being this way. Why don’t you tell her how much you liked that... (read in full...)

What can I do to show I'm working not cheating?

Q.   My husband thinks I'm cheating. Why? Because I spend a lot of time on my phone. I'm too lazy to use my clunky slow PC to write my novel, so I'm doing the whole thing on the Notes app. I'm also unemployed (6 months, still job hunting), so I stay up ...

A.   22 November 2017: Honeypie is absolutely right. You can’t do anything because the problem isn’t you. He’s smashing phones up and telling you what you can and can’t look up? Wow! That’s seriously controlling. The problem is his. He seems to have made up his mind yet... (read in full...)

Any advice on Dear Cupid burn-out?

Q.   I know I'm not the most active poster here and I'm not hoping that anyone would recognize me but I'm just gonna post this here for a message and maybe some advice. I'm thinking of leaving DearCupid for some time, all this posts about cheating...

A.   22 November 2017: By all means take a break if you need to. Remember whenever you look at this site that there are many others who don’t use it. How do we know these aren’t a silent majority in largely happy, untroubled relationships? This site deals with problems ... (read in full...)

How do I say "hi" to the cute boy on the bus?

Q.   There is this cute guy on my bus that usually sits behind me. I've recently moved so this is at my new school, so I've been riding this bus for about 3 weeks. Anyways for days i've been thinking on how to start a conversation with him but i chicken ...

A.   30 August 2017: First you need to accept that it’s going to feel weird and awkward. IT does for boys and girls. Introductions don’t get less awkward as you get older, but that awkwardness becomes much easier to deal with. I agree with the other answers: don’t plan ... (read in full...)

Is this LDR worth trying for?

Q.   I met this guy a few years back, I was out with a friend and one of his friends came to talk to my friend and he just kind of sat there. But we did talk and come to realize we have way more in common then we thought we would. I gave him my number ...

A.   30 August 2017: You say that you know he doesn’t want to commit so he could “do things he shouldn’t.” The distance isn’t the issue, or the time difference. Both of these are temporary obstacles; anything can survive 7 months if it’s worth fighting for. The issue is ... (read in full...)

After my awful experiences with men, I'd rather date someone who's got a low sex drive than one who's oversexed.

Q.   I am a 28 year old female that has had mostly bad relationships up until this point. All the guys I've dated seem to have had major anger issues and/or were players and I assume this is in part due to male horomones. I enjoy having a partner and ...

A.   30 August 2017: My answer to your question would be to challenge your assumption that this is a compromise that you need to make. It isn’t. Your sexual needs are as important as your other needs when it comes to a relationship. I’ve been kicking around on this site ... (read in full...)

Did I accidentally lead my controlling ex boyfriend on?

Q.   Currently I have an amazing bf who I've been dating for a short while. Before I started dating him, I dated another guy for a short while who turned out to be a total control freak. When I 1st met him, the feeling of being wanted felt very good. ...

A.   28 July 2017: You didn't end it sooner because you invested time and effort in to trying to make it work. Ultimately you both weren't compatible and so it didn't work out. Clearly this ex has issues but that isn't your fault or down to you to fix. Forget him, get ... (read in full...)

I want to be strong for him at this time of terrible grief, but how?

Q.   My boyfriends brother died suddenly last week and it has hit the whole family hard. I am trying so hard to be strong for my boyfriend but every time I'm on my own I beak down in tears myself because I feel so sorry for him. He hasn't spoke much ...

A.   24 June 2017: Don’t feel bad about crying. You love this man and he’s hurting, and you’re hurting too. Sudden loss is a terrible thing. If he can’t talk at the moment, don’t push him. There are much more subtle ways you can show him strength: entertain the kids... (read in full...)

My girlfriend wants to wait but I'm frustrated

Q.   My girlfriend doesn't want to have sex until she is married. She is a virgin. I am frustrated telling her how important sex is in relationship and how deeply emotionally we can be connected. She even used to give her ex bf liberty to have sex with...

A.   24 June 2017: If this is something she feels strongly about and isn’t prepared to change her mind, you can’t really resolve it. Either you accept her choice or you don’t. If you don’t, you’re not compatible. It’s unfortunate but this is pretty black and white I’m ... (read in full...)

Is my ex girlfriend crazy and a hypocrite?

Q.   My ex girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. Literally the day after my bday actually. On my actual bday she was giving me the cold shoulder all day. She was more concerned with watching shows on her laptop then spending time with me. We were ...

A.   16 April 2017: Good heavens! A couple of months and the honeymoon phase has passed and already you’re angry and resentful about bills, money, jobs and how you do or don’t support each other? It’s not supposed to be like this after a couple of months. You say her ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend's casual sexual encounters are bothering me

Q.   My gfs sexual past has been bothering me more and more recently. When we first started going out she was my first, I have no sexual experience with any other women whatsoever. So when I found out she'd slept with 8 other men, including one night ...

A.   16 April 2017: IT’s a shame you didn’t find out more about her before getting serious, which I think is something you need to take away from this. I would say that you need to understand that people view sex in different ways. For some, separating sex from emotion ... (read in full...)

I waited 3 years to tell my LDR boyfriend that I have 2 children and now he's unsure of how he feels

Q.   I've been in a 3 year long distance relationship with my boyfriend. I'll admit I've been wrong in never disclosing to him that I've been married, divorced, and have two teenage children. I'm also 42 yrs old while he's only 33 yrs old. I've trav...

A.   16 April 2017: I’m not convinced that his major concern is what his friends and family think. I think he doesn’t know what he thinks and how he feels, and how can you blame him? You say that you wanted to “be sure he is the one.” That’s fair enough, but how did ... (read in full...)

How do guys cope with knowing their Gf's ex was well endowed? Do girls miss it and just settle ?

Q.   Hello all, I have always struggled with intimate things as I would be worried about if my partner had been with very well endowed men. I know that statistically most guys will have to deal with that. But how do they? It always seems like...

A.   15 April 2017: Men who fixate on the size of it forget one thing: a woman is a rational, thinking being with freedom to make choices of her own. If it was a problem, she could go out and find some-one with a bigger penis any time. If she chooses to remain with her ... (read in full...)

Can a relationship survive if there is no intellectual compatibility at all?

Q.   So I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months now, going on 8. It was really good in the beginning but now it feels like things changed, at least for me. He's one year younger than I am, and that didn't seem like a problem at first because I th...

A.   15 April 2017: I think you probably know the answer to this question. You see a host of problems and that you both have nothing in common. You don’t stay because there is something about this relationship that you think makes it worth saving, but because you’re ... (read in full...)

Boyfriend's excuse didn't cut it with me

Q.   So my boyfriend of 9 months didn't come to my sister's wedding yesterday. I was annoyed to start when he said he couldn't come a month before the wedding but when I heard his excuse I was more annoyed. I don't get on well with my family and ...

A.   5 February 2017: Well, though he did tell you he couldn’t come, I think that if you made it clear that it was going to be an occasion where you’d really value some support, it was selfish of him not to try and move his birthday celebrations, assuming he did not. I ... (read in full...)

Boyfriend's behaviour is so upsetting

Q.   My boyfriend is depressed lately, due to his abusive relationship with his father (who is visiting for a few months). My boyfriend is really really depressed lately. He said he wants to get some space. I agreed, but have been going through hell...

A.   5 February 2017: Sorry but he needs to be made to face up to this: I sympathise entirely with his depression. IT is a horrible thing and that needs to be remembered. But if he knows that he has good spells, he should take responsibility for making sure those times ... (read in full...)

Help me sort out this tangle before it gets worse

Q.   I'm in quite a difficult situation. My ex boyfriend was living on the streets recently. The battery on his phone had run out one night. He met this guy who was also living on the streets, and he borrowed the guy's mobile phone to speak to me. Me and ...

A.   5 February 2017: It is none of your ex’s business who you speak to or associate with. Make sure he knows that. As for meeting this guy, it’s up to you and you need to follow all the usual precautions when meeting a stranger: don’t give out your address, meet in a ... (read in full...)

What do I do? How can she still want to be with someone who she is not sexually attracted to, nor IN love with?

Q.   Apologies if I ramble but I have some much to get off my chest ?? My Fiancée of nearly 14 years and the mother of my 2 beautiful daughters (11 and 6) had told me she loved me but is not IN love with me several years ago. We have also not had...

A.   8 January 2017: So, reading your question and your follow-up, things are now so bad that, on top of having no sex, even having a kiss with the person you’re supposed to love is making you feel paranoid. There’s saliva when kissing, that’s just how it is. I do agree ... (read in full...)

Do abusers set out to deliberately hurt the self esteem of another?

Q.   Are there seriously people who will try to bring down a partners self esteem by making them feel bad about them self is making them feel too old for anyone else to want and not as attractive as other women ( or men ) etc . I ask because I've rec...

A.   1 January 2017: Abusers are complex. Yes, they do undermine a person’s self-esteem and sap their confidence. This is part of their apparatus of control. A two-pronged approach of undermining a person to the point where they believe that they don’t deserve and won’t ... (read in full...)

Would you tolerate a man calling you extremely derogatory, filthy name during arguments?

Q.   Would you talk with a man who calls you a c....t during arguments ? He seems to think this is acceptable and rarely apologises . Even if he does , it happens again the very next time we argue . I've had enough and my confidence is completely shot . ...

A.   1 January 2017: No this isn’t normal. This isn’t what most men, or indeed most women, would find acceptable at all. These are particularly unpleasant names and vicious insults. If he genuinely doesn’t understand that they are hurtful and thinks he can just use them ... (read in full...)

Told him to forget it - he's married. Now I've change my mind

Q.   OK, an old acquaintance, we coincidentally met in a new town, and had sex for two nights. We spent the 3days hanging out together. We parted as we went back to our respective towns. He called me for a chat everyday, claiming that he missed me. O...

A.   5 December 2016: There hasn’t been a man in your life for a while, and it made you feel good; that’s why you miss him. However, you were right to tell him to forget about it because he’s married, and he isn’t available. Think of the hurt this could cause his wife. ... (read in full...)

Is my boyfriend bored of me sexually, because he has suggested we use sex toys?

Q.   Hello cupids. I am not sure where my boyfriend is coming from. I am afraid he is not as happy with me sexually as he once was. We have been together for close to 4 years. Our sex life has always been pretty amazing. I went ahead and booked a hot...

A.   3 December 2016: You are really overthinking this. It was only a suggestion. Like he said, he wants to please you and perhaps thought this might be a way to spice things up. IT wasn’t a criticism or a confession that he’s not content with your sex life as it is now. ... (read in full...)

Facing dental work and afraid I'll have a nervous breakdown!

Q.   This is going to be a very hard night for me. I have always been obsessed, literally obsessed with my teeth. Yet, cursed with bad genetics, so despite my taking care of my teeth I have had fillings and veneers since I was a teen... even earlier. I ...

A.   3 December 2016: I agree with Aunt Honesty. I understand why you are upset, but I’m afraid you have to put a brave face on it, at least until the implant is in place. You don’t have to go out of your way to smile if you feel really conscious about it. I really doubt ... (read in full...)

Is it possible to have borderline personality yet lack the urge to be a slut and cheater???

Q.   I found out recently that I might have borderline personality disorder and dependent personality disorder. Ever since I been researching and trying to fix all the annoying parts these disorders have...And I keep coming to this question here, ho...

A.   3 December 2016: CindyCares has given you a very good answer. BPD is characterised, as far as I understand it, by extremes of emotions. Everything is all good or all bad; a person is either the best friend in the world or the worst person imaginable. Such extremes ... (read in full...)

Am I right to feel a bit disappointed with him??

Q.   Hi..Over the last 3 months I got to know a guy online with whom - after meeting twice in person - I have been on an LDR ever since. We come from the same country. It seems that we're into each other - at least considering the intensity of our ...

A.   26 November 2016: Well, he made a commitment and didn’t fulfil it, and you could have done with the help. It’s understandable that you are disappointed, but I think you should just chalk it up to experience and forget about it. He is on anti-depression medication, so ... (read in full...)

How can I stop this destructive behavior?

Q.   How can I get over the fear of being as ding up alone(not married with children) - this fear has lurked such insecurity that it had led me into the arms of men that are verbally abusive and self centered - I've had one bf since I was 19-25(self ...

A.   26 November 2016: There is no magic quick fix for loneliness, and no guarantees about how quickly you can cease to become single: it depends when you meet the right person. I would simply encourage you to give yourself as many distractions as you can: you ponder and ... (read in full...)

Boyfriend wants me to give another man oral sex.I am not happy with this!

Q.   My boyfriend has been pressuring me into blowing another guy and I feel completely uncomfortable with the idea, I have told him this everytime he's asked and now he brings it up in the middle of sex or while he's dirty talking, I told him I'd ...

A.   26 November 2016: This isn’t good. Dougbcoll has explained very clearly why any man that valued you wouldn’t want this to happen or expect this of his girlfriend. But what is worse than the fact that he wants to share you around like this, is that he isn’t respecting ... (read in full...)

Should I take the medication my doctor prescribed? I lost my parents and am depressed.

Q.   It's a long time since I came on here, but in the past I have always been given good advice so here goes. 6 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. A couple of operations and some treatment, and I got the all clear late last year. Dad had skin...

A.   2 November 2016:  It does dismay me that the attitude of the medical profession so often seems to be to try and fix things with pills. If you have any reservations about taking them, I suggest you book another discussion with the doctor. You need to work through ... (read in full...)

I don't feel comfortable with my boyfriend's parenting

Q.   I have been dating a man with a 13 year old daughter for 5 months and feel ready to meet her. I thought I was anyway. He is still drying her after a shower on her back and her legs. She is going through puberty and has all the maturing parts of a ...

A.   28 October 2016: No, not right. I agree that you should be telling him to set the boundaries. He can’t just wait for her to stop asking him, he’s got to make it clear what is and is not appropriate. I am assuming in all this that she doesn’t have any kind of ... (read in full...)

Will my financial dependance on my boyfriend become a problem?

Q.   I am in a successful, long-term relationship with someone who I hope to marry. He has not proposed, but we have talked seriously about it. I currently live with my single mother. My biggest concern is that I have little formal education (I ...

A.   22 October 2016: You begin by saying that you’re in a “successful” relationship. To be successful, there needs to be mutual trust. If it’s going to work between you, you have to be willing to trust in what he says: if he says that he considers the household income ... (read in full...)

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