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*o nonsense Aidan

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Latest articles:

I'm a thoroughly modern brand of old-fashioned

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12 August 2016: I was particularly amused by a recent comment about my views. I was described as living in “the 1950s,” which I found highly amusing. But when I’d had my chuckle, I got to thinking: what would it be like to be stuck in the 50s? How does the ...

I hate cheating, but not as much as a failure to forgive

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23 August 2015: IT’s been the story that hasn’t gone away all week. Ashley Madison sent journalists in to a spin trying to access the 9.7 gb of data leaked on to the internet, trying to find any public figures who may be embroiled in the scandal. Suspicious spouses ...

Childless by choice: please stop judging us

This question has 2 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
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6 July 2015: This morning, as usual, I was perusing the questions on Dearcupid, when I stumbled across a question from a woman regarding her feelings about not wanting a child. Although I gave a comprehensive answer to the question, it touched a nerve with me, ...

On-line dating: my honest look

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12 January 2014: On-line dating: my honest look Those who read my column with any regularity will know there is considerable absence of references to my personal life. I am, for the most part, keen to concentrate on advising because, good advice is good no matte...

Revenge is sweet: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that.

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9 March 2013: REVENGE IS SWEET: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that. Revenge, they say, is sweet. Well British people have, if they have been following the news, witnessed a very public case in point to prove that the reverse can ...

Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies

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6 January 2013: Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies You may or may not know that in Ireland, the date of 6 January is known as Women’s Christmas (Nollaig na mBan). On this day, the tradition (still strong in parts of the country) is that men take responsibil...

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I was sent nasty emails, how do I cope ?

Q.   MOD NOTE: There are no "experts" just nice people that volunteer their thoughts and help. I have a question I would rather discuss privately. I have received two very nasty emails from people I once knew. I have sought solicitors advice and I'm ...

A.   3 December 2018: Here’s the thing: if someone has set out to hurt you, reacting will only show them that they’ve succeeded. They’ll probably be delighted. Your friends are right. The right thing to do is often not the easy one. If it’s just nasty messages and you ... (read in full...)

I haven't seen my girlfriend in 3 months

Q.   We haven’t seen eachother in 3 months. She’s busy redoing her second year of nursing. Anyway, last week she booked our flights to Spain in January, which is something I’m really excited about, but I just miss her so, so much. I feel fine mos...

A.   3 December 2018: Are you sure she knows how you feel? Even if she’s busy, you can text or call each other from time to time. You can find quick and simple ways to show each other that you’re thinking of each other. I actually think both of you are holding back a b... (read in full...)

Should I ask her out or wait until the divorce is final?

Q.   I am very interested in asking out a woman with whom I have developed a nice freindship, including some flirting. The difficulty is that she recently filed for divorce. Some people say I should wait until it is final...others say go for it. I would ...

A.   3 December 2018: I don’t think it matters so much whether the divorce is finalised or not. When it all goes through, things haven’t magically changed overnight. The couple have already been separated a long time when the final parts of the process are done. They ... (read in full...)

Are other people’s contractors like this?

Q.   Hi I am in my early 40s and recently been having some work done on my house. Had a very helpful guy doing the job and while the work has been done we were messaging each other in the evenings just generally. He mentioned that he 'would always be...

A.   25 November 2018: Not really. Hard to tell if this is friendly or flirtatious but it’s certainly going above and beyond the call of duty. The question is what you want to do about it. If you’d rather not take this further, ease up on the contact when the work is done ... (read in full...)

Did I just get used for sex?

Q.   So I've known this guy for a while and last week our texts turned sexual and he said do I want to meet with him. So we met we were kissing, we held hands we had a good time. Then he asked if I wanted to have sex with him I said I couldn't because I ...

A.   19 August 2018: It’s hard to know either, but you need to back off now and if he’s not using you he’ll get in touch. Probably best to write him off until you get any real proof that you were wrong to do so. I think you probably weren’t, because he could have said ... (read in full...)

I think this 15 yo boy will probably want sex!

Q.   i am a 13 year old . this guy is very cute and i like him a lot . and he asked me if i wanted to have sex with him and i told him “ rpprobably not maybe i’ll succ you tho “ and yeah he is 15 and is not a virgin and i’m 13 and i am . ughhh idk what ...

A.   19 August 2018: YouWish has given you great advice. Honestly, when you get older and wiser you’ll learn that this is no way to treat a girl. Why would you want your first experience of sex to be one where you felt unprepared, not ready and not comfortable? Don’t ... (read in full...)

What should I do about this married, flirting floozy?

Q.   I have a friend and shes always says she love me. Shes married to She once said I love you more then you know what is she trying to say to me. She flurts with me to. I dont know what to do....

A.   19 August 2018: Here’s what you do: do not flirt back and try not to be around her unless it’s necessary. Keep some distance, and if she goes too far tell her you’re not interested. Don’t say the L-word back. Perhaps she is flirty and open with her feelings by ... (read in full...)

I feel very betrayed and hurt.

Q.   Hello, So I’m writing this because me and my boyfriend a we’re having trouble and he broke up with me. However, he said he would give me a chance to work on things and see whether we would get back together or not. I thought we were working on ...

A.   19 August 2018: At the start of your post, you said that your boyfriend said that he would give you a chance to work on things. This is what concerns me, because it sounds like both of you have to put in some work if this relationship is going to survive. Why is it ... (read in full...)

Do I tell my parents that my friend is dating a man 30 years her senior?

Q.   my friend is in a relationship with a man 30 years old then her , ive known him for nearly a year no and I know age is just a number but I still find it so strange but I have accepted that is she is happy being with someone a lot older then her then ...

A.   27 July 2018: Your parents may have an opinion on the situation but frankly it is none of their business, as it is none of yours, or mine, or anyone else’s. I would say that if he is coming to their home they have a right to ask who is coming in to their house, ... (read in full...)

Is it normal to feel really close to someone when you hold their hand?

Q.   Is it a normal to feel really close to someone when holding there hand ? it was the first time that I held anyone's hand and it made me feel so special and wanted by someone especially because it was like a first date and I was getting to know him ...

A.   27 July 2018: IT’s totally normal. It’s a gesture of closeness and intimacy. IT can be between friends, but when it’s someone to whom you’re attracted it’s even more enhanced by the flood of chemicals that make you want to be close to that person all the time. ... (read in full...)

Why does my boyfriend watch porn before having sex with me?

Q.   Why does my boyfriend watch porn before having sex with me? He gave me a vague response, it was "I just like to be hard already so we can have sex." Then i explained how that could be interpreted wrong, if he didn't try to explain it to me. He then ...

A.   27 July 2018: My guess would be that he has viewed porn for a long time and it has helped shape his perceptions of sex, what constitutes good sex and what pleases a woman. IT sounds like his idea of good sex is to go in, fully prepared, and get straight down to ... (read in full...)

Can a married man truly love you or is it just lust?

Q.   I have a boyfried but I met a married man in my company and we are quite close. Very soon after this married man knows me, he told me he have feelings for me. Like he just realize I am his true love, the one he wants to protect and pamper with his ...

A.   27 July 2018: Yes, you do know what to do. You just find the idea of doing it difficult. It’s not appropriate for him to show this level of interest in you, not whilst he is still married to his wife. Whether he is looking to exit his marriage or not (and I very ... (read in full...)

I feel the need to have a child but I want it to be my lover's not my husband's

Q.   DO NOT JUDGE I am female, 34 years..i am married to a man-boy kinda of husband (45 years) who has no clue how to raise children..we have two..one mine and the first one is his...his past time is drinking....but he come through with finances......

A.   27 July 2018: You ask not to be judged, fine. But I have to tell you that you are being ridiculous. This younger man is having an affair with you. Have you even asked if he wants to have a child with you? You say that it’s easy for men to have kids with other ... (read in full...)

Can I call her my close friend if she forgot I had skin cancer?

Q.   I was diagnosed with a cancerous mole a few months ago and had it removed. It was a simple procedure and I am very glad I caught it early, therefore I wasn't too shaken up by it. I had only told a few of my close friends that I had skin cancer. ...

A.   23 July 2018: It sounds like she’s quite self-absorbed. It isn’t necessarily that she doesn’t feel close to you, it’s that she’s got quite a self-centred view of the world where the things that register most are the things that affect her and her life. I also ... (read in full...)

Sex feels like a chore.

Q.   Hello, I met my boyfriend almost 4 years ago, and we have been together for about a year and a half. We used to have a great sex life, really experimental and open to trying new things. I've hit a rut where we don't have sex as much any more an...

A.   2 March 2018: I suspect the stress and anxiety you are suffering because of your uncertainties about the relationship are a good part of the problem when it comes to your sex life. Are you really focussing on how to improve it and trying to think through what you ... (read in full...)

Should I try to have a conversation with him about our friendship?

Q.   Hello all hope you a doing well this is going to be pretty long but I appreciate all the help I can get ok then So I'm just looking for advice on a situation firstly I'm male and he is also a male to and at the start of the week I decided to take ...

A.   17 February 2018: Hang on a minute, you call this a friendship but you also say that you don’t know the guy very well. Which is it? It’s human nature to have bias – people we like and whose approval we seek. That’s why friendship can be intense, just like romantic ... (read in full...)

I love him, but his deception can’t go on!

Q.   Hi Aunts! I'm 29 years old and in an alleged relationship with a married man for the last one and a half year. It wasn't intended to happen cause we were only friends, but developed nonetheless. At first, he kept his marital status a secret from me....

A.   17 February 2018: Even if he chooses you why on earth would you want to be with a man who has treated you and his poor wife so appallingly? You say that you want him to tell you what his choice is, so that you can move on. But you need to understand that this isn’... (read in full...)

Too invested after a few dates?

Q.   I’ve been on five dates with a guy. We slept together on three of the dates. We definitely fancied each other, but during date number four he said that his long term goal is to work away. I’ve been in a relationship in the past with someone who ...

A.   17 February 2018: You’ve done the right thing in recognising that you both want different things and that it isn’t going to work. It’s a pity for you that you both jumped in to bed so soon as you didn’t identify that you were compatible before you allowed things to ... (read in full...)

Can't wait for more with my gay hookup

Q.   I would really appreciate some help with this. For the past 5/6 weeks I have been talking to this guy on a gay hook up app. At first it was just the casual “hi, how are you?” sort of thing but then we got a bit dirty. 2 weeks ago we met up and ha...

A.   26 December 2017: Merry Christmas to you too. Look, you got a knock back. This guy said no, unfortunately he took casual sex first and got in to your head but it doesn’t change the fact. You’re not taking no for an answer. It sounds to me like you know it’s not goin... (read in full...)

I love him and want to be his but I don't want to get hurt

Q.   So I started dating this guy I never though I’d be with and fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. We had the best relationship. Well he joined the military a year after dating and I decided I was going to support him, that my love for ...

A.   17 December 2017: When he comes, I think you need to make sure that the talk happens and isn’t put off. In the end, if you would prefer to wait for him than not be with him, that is your position. His might be that he’s not prepared to ask that of you, and that he ... (read in full...)

Her kids and mine are cousins, is it okay to date?

Q.   So I have started to date or have been with and seen, my ex wife’s brothers ex wife I have a son with my ex and she has two kids with her ex who is my ex wife’s brother. Our kids are cousins but we both want no more kids. We both feel this could be ...

A.   17 December 2017: Is this okay? Of course, both of you are free agents and there was only a marital connection between you in the first place. Keep in mind that the kids are cousins so make sure you both keep in mind that whatever happens with the both of you, it ... (read in full...)

Is my boyfriend too sexually demanding?

Q.   I’ve been with my boyfriend around half a year. He has really bad anger issues which he has been trying to control but he still has his outbursts. One of the things that triggers these outbursts is when I don’t give him head when he wants it. ...

A.   17 December 2017: Don’t say anything to him, just get yourself out of this relationship urgently! First, you are performing sex acts on him against your wishes for fear of the consequences if you don’t. What kind of person would value your opinion and feelings so ... (read in full...)

He chose my friend over me but now I think he likes me

Q.   Me and this boy went out for about a month then broke up,he then turned for me for help cos he liked my friend.I got jealousy missed him and told him I love him.whilst he was making up his mind we were making out at mine.he then decided know and ...

A.   30 November 2017: What about hurting your boyfriend? Say you have a ‘friends with benefits’ set-up with this lad, how do you think your boyfriend will feel? That’s your friend and boyfriend both going to be hurt just so that you can get used by some guy who has ... (read in full...)

Heartbroken he has returned to porn

Q.   My boyfriend (27) and I (24) have been together for 2 years. We had been friends for 3 years before he asked me out. Around the 1 year mark maybe a little later my SO commented on how he doesn't even watch porn anymore. He said he just thought about ...

A.   29 November 2017: I think the anonymous poster has given you really good advice and I would endorse the answer fully. You’re making the classic mistake many women make when they are distressed by discovering a partner watches porn: you think it says something abou... (read in full...)

Am I right to doubt his fidelity?

Q.   We've been dating for two years. Mostly it's been great. Lately however I'm feeling hurt because he got drunk and told my best friend and me that he wanted to "play" with us both? My friends chalk it up to his drinking but now I feel like I'm not ...

A.   29 November 2017: Well, you have no evidence. He’s entitled to have friends, male or female. It’s also possible that he just says silly things when drunk: immature and disrespectful for sure, but not necessarily a sign of guilt. You say that you are insecure and that ... (read in full...)

Fallen for my priest. Help!

Q.   Oh my god I never see the day but I actually have a crush on my priest - for heaven's sake, the bloody priest. Is my love life that bad that I fantasise about him. My question is have you ever had a bad crush on someone your not suppose like...

A.   29 November 2017: It’s very simple: just do nothing about it. Do as Andie’s Thoughts suggests and try to think about something else. He isn’t going to find out and doesn’t need to know. It isn’t something that you need to confess either. It’s just a silly crush: ... (read in full...)

When is it time to tell my FWB goodbye

Q.   I've been talking to this boy for around 3 months every day and have always said it will be a causal thing. I guess it's as close a thing you can get to friends with benefits. We get on well and there are genuinely no deep feelings from either side. ...

A.   29 November 2017: Whilst you might be taking things slowly with the second boy (and good for you, by the way, for doing so), the fact is that nothing is going to develop with the first person. You’ve said there are no deep feelings from either of you, but the fact ... (read in full...)

I'd like to make this little fantasy real. Any suggestions?

Q.   Coming out as a gay girl on my 21st birthday was the best decision I ever made. I'm now in my mid-twenties and have a loving, trustworthy partner who I've known since my days at sixth form college - though not well enough at the time to have known ...

A.   22 November 2017: Good lovers like to get positive feedback from their partner. She might be the one to take the initiative but that might just be because you are more shy and, as you say, happy with it being this way. Why don’t you tell her how much you liked that... (read in full...)

What can I do to show I'm working not cheating?

Q.   My husband thinks I'm cheating. Why? Because I spend a lot of time on my phone. I'm too lazy to use my clunky slow PC to write my novel, so I'm doing the whole thing on the Notes app. I'm also unemployed (6 months, still job hunting), so I stay up ...

A.   22 November 2017: Honeypie is absolutely right. You can’t do anything because the problem isn’t you. He’s smashing phones up and telling you what you can and can’t look up? Wow! That’s seriously controlling. The problem is his. He seems to have made up his mind yet... (read in full...)

Any advice on Dear Cupid burn-out?

Q.   I know I'm not the most active poster here and I'm not hoping that anyone would recognize me but I'm just gonna post this here for a message and maybe some advice. I'm thinking of leaving DearCupid for some time, all this posts about cheating...

A.   22 November 2017: By all means take a break if you need to. Remember whenever you look at this site that there are many others who don’t use it. How do we know these aren’t a silent majority in largely happy, untroubled relationships? This site deals with problems ... (read in full...)

How do I say "hi" to the cute boy on the bus?

Q.   There is this cute guy on my bus that usually sits behind me. I've recently moved so this is at my new school, so I've been riding this bus for about 3 weeks. Anyways for days i've been thinking on how to start a conversation with him but i chicken ...

A.   30 August 2017: First you need to accept that it’s going to feel weird and awkward. IT does for boys and girls. Introductions don’t get less awkward as you get older, but that awkwardness becomes much easier to deal with. I agree with the other answers: don’t plan ... (read in full...)

Is this LDR worth trying for?

Q.   I met this guy a few years back, I was out with a friend and one of his friends came to talk to my friend and he just kind of sat there. But we did talk and come to realize we have way more in common then we thought we would. I gave him my number ...

A.   30 August 2017: You say that you know he doesn’t want to commit so he could “do things he shouldn’t.” The distance isn’t the issue, or the time difference. Both of these are temporary obstacles; anything can survive 7 months if it’s worth fighting for. The issue is ... (read in full...)

After my awful experiences with men, I'd rather date someone who's got a low sex drive than one who's oversexed.

Q.   I am a 28 year old female that has had mostly bad relationships up until this point. All the guys I've dated seem to have had major anger issues and/or were players and I assume this is in part due to male horomones. I enjoy having a partner and ...

A.   30 August 2017: My answer to your question would be to challenge your assumption that this is a compromise that you need to make. It isn’t. Your sexual needs are as important as your other needs when it comes to a relationship. I’ve been kicking around on this site ... (read in full...)

Did I accidentally lead my controlling ex boyfriend on?

Q.   Currently I have an amazing bf who I've been dating for a short while. Before I started dating him, I dated another guy for a short while who turned out to be a total control freak. When I 1st met him, the feeling of being wanted felt very good. ...

A.   28 July 2017: You didn't end it sooner because you invested time and effort in to trying to make it work. Ultimately you both weren't compatible and so it didn't work out. Clearly this ex has issues but that isn't your fault or down to you to fix. Forget him, get ... (read in full...)

I want to be strong for him at this time of terrible grief, but how?

Q.   My boyfriends brother died suddenly last week and it has hit the whole family hard. I am trying so hard to be strong for my boyfriend but every time I'm on my own I beak down in tears myself because I feel so sorry for him. He hasn't spoke much ...

A.   24 June 2017: Don’t feel bad about crying. You love this man and he’s hurting, and you’re hurting too. Sudden loss is a terrible thing. If he can’t talk at the moment, don’t push him. There are much more subtle ways you can show him strength: entertain the kids... (read in full...)

My girlfriend wants to wait but I'm frustrated

Q.   My girlfriend doesn't want to have sex until she is married. She is a virgin. I am frustrated telling her how important sex is in relationship and how deeply emotionally we can be connected. She even used to give her ex bf liberty to have sex with...

A.   24 June 2017: If this is something she feels strongly about and isn’t prepared to change her mind, you can’t really resolve it. Either you accept her choice or you don’t. If you don’t, you’re not compatible. It’s unfortunate but this is pretty black and white I’m ... (read in full...)

Is my ex girlfriend crazy and a hypocrite?

Q.   My ex girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. Literally the day after my bday actually. On my actual bday she was giving me the cold shoulder all day. She was more concerned with watching shows on her laptop then spending time with me. We were ...

A.   16 April 2017: Good heavens! A couple of months and the honeymoon phase has passed and already you’re angry and resentful about bills, money, jobs and how you do or don’t support each other? It’s not supposed to be like this after a couple of months. You say her ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend's casual sexual encounters are bothering me

Q.   My gfs sexual past has been bothering me more and more recently. When we first started going out she was my first, I have no sexual experience with any other women whatsoever. So when I found out she'd slept with 8 other men, including one night ...

A.   16 April 2017: IT’s a shame you didn’t find out more about her before getting serious, which I think is something you need to take away from this. I would say that you need to understand that people view sex in different ways. For some, separating sex from emotion ... (read in full...)

I waited 3 years to tell my LDR boyfriend that I have 2 children and now he's unsure of how he feels

Q.   I've been in a 3 year long distance relationship with my boyfriend. I'll admit I've been wrong in never disclosing to him that I've been married, divorced, and have two teenage children. I'm also 42 yrs old while he's only 33 yrs old. I've trav...

A.   16 April 2017: I’m not convinced that his major concern is what his friends and family think. I think he doesn’t know what he thinks and how he feels, and how can you blame him? You say that you wanted to “be sure he is the one.” That’s fair enough, but how did ... (read in full...)

How do guys cope with knowing their Gf's ex was well endowed? Do girls miss it and just settle ?

Q.   Hello all, I have always struggled with intimate things as I would be worried about if my partner had been with very well endowed men. I know that statistically most guys will have to deal with that. But how do they? It always seems like...

A.   15 April 2017: Men who fixate on the size of it forget one thing: a woman is a rational, thinking being with freedom to make choices of her own. If it was a problem, she could go out and find some-one with a bigger penis any time. If she chooses to remain with her ... (read in full...)

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