A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had a baby nearly 5 months ago and have no sex drive. I've also recently been getting depo provera which is contraception injection. Its known to decrease sex drive I read but I've only just had my first one and was like this anyway before it. Not having sex (only a handful of times since having baby) is putting a strain on my relationship of 7 and a half years. I just dont have the energy and my partner thinks I'm not attracted to him anymore but I am I just cant be bothered. I'm just in mummy mode all the time. I need help in what to do to get my sex drive up. Any advice?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (9 December 2019):
 As others have said, your first port of call needs to be your doctor to rule out any physical issues.
Does your partner do his share of looking after the baby or does he expect you to be responsible for this new life 24/7 but switch to being a sex siren when it suits him?
One of the basic differences between men and women is that men need sex to feel loved whereas women usually need to feel loved to want sex. Is he making you feel loved? Just a little consideration could make a huge difference to your mood and your desires. Can he give you a couple of hours occasionally to have a bit of "me" time? You could go and have a leisurely bath, or go for a facial or a massage, or a catch-up with friends (or whatever is your simple pleasure). That would immediately make you feel appreciated and make you more likely to actually want to have sex.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (7 December 2019):
I think you got a good answer from Honeypie which I endorse fully. As she says, your body has gone through a big change so just talking things over with your doctor might help.
It is, however, certainly very common for this to happen. The strain is also understandable and you end up in a vicious cycle: the partner feels that his lady no longer finds him attractive, gets understandably upset, whilst she wishes he’d walk in her shoes for 5 minutes before getting frustrated about sex. As resentment grows the appeal of sex lessens even more. If you haven’t talked to your partner to explain that it is nothing to do with his attractiveness and everything to do with the all-consuming impact of being a new mum, you should. I don’t think a man can ever fully appreciate what a woman goes through, or at least that it’s not just the first few weeks that take a toll that can be overwhelming at times.
As for other things you can do, the most important thing is to try as a couple to agree on the importance of maintaining the physical affection, but also being clear that this won’t always lead to sex. If you find yourself sighing wearily whenever you are kissed or touched thinking that he’s going to expect something you’re just not up for, it’s going to kill the mood completely. Allow yourselves the opportunity to be physically close for the pure pleasure of being physically close. On the psychological front at least, that should help you get to a point of building up the passion and spark again and you may find that the times when you do want to try sex increase gradually.
Keep all the other aspects of your relationship healthy too. Go out together whenever you can. Take the baby to see new places. Try and find different ways to enjoy your time as a family.
Lastly, don’t give yourself a hard time. The way you are both feeling is completely understandable and, as millions of couples past and present could tell you, absolutely normal. Listen non-judgementally to each other. His wish for sex is because he wants to be close to you. His feeling rejected is, true, partly to do with wanting more action, but it’s also because of how deeply he wants to be wanted by you. Your lack of energy and sex drive comes from doing probably the most demanding job that anyone could ever do. It’s unrelenting and exhausting, even if incredible and awesome at the same time. When you keep checking that you both see it from the other’s point of view, your relationship will stay strong.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2019): I don't think this is that unusual. I also recommend you see your GP to make sure there are no organic/ hormonal causes or post natal depression.
But you had a baby. You're now living with a five month old and caring for it round the clock presumably. IT's not strange that you wouldn't exactly be in the mood lately and frankly your husband needs to take a look at himself and his expectations if a few months is putting that much of a strain on you both. Is he doing 50% of the caring work? OR are you working 24 hours a day eihter as a stay at home mum or a working mum and he's just putting in those 8 hours at the office and putting his feet up when he gets back? Wonder if that would maybe make you too tired/resentful to want to jump into bed with him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2019): I know there's some girl friendly porn out there -- produced by women. It usually has good fantasy story line -- like a hot repairman and the lady of the house flirting. Bet that would help. Years after it happened a girlfriend admitted she lost interest. Her and husband only did it once a month because they felt like freaks when it went longer than a month. They were only in their late 20's. We rented a beach house together and she said they could hear us do it 2x a day, with vigor. They even watched us once "accidentally" unbeknownst to us.
She said that motivated them to do it much more often. Your welcome.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 December 2019):
 Go see your GP.
You hormones might be out of whack. Have full work up. And maybe consider switching birth-control type. Again, TALK to your GP/OB/GYN.
However, it is NOT uncommon for a women who gave birth recently the be off sex for a while. Your body has changed, you have other priorities (the baby) and a partner who DIDN'T go though birthing and the aftermath, at least not physically.
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