A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've never been on a date before, I've never had a girlfriend, and I've never kissed a girl either. I am of course a male virgin. I'm not a handsome man so I don't ask girls out on dates. They'll just say no so I feel like I shouldn't waste their time or ruin their day by approaching them. I can't change that I am not a handsome guy so I don't blame anyone for my predicament. I spend my free time creatively writing and drawing. I love movies and have a big collection of movies and memorabilia. I collect comic books, action figures, I play video games, and I love wrestling.I would love to have a relationship with someone but I just don't know what direction to go in. I have chickened out of several instances of paying an escort to have sex because every little notch in my gut told me to go home. I would love to be with someone and give a lot of love but I don't think an ugly guy with zero experience stands a chance attracting anyone.Is there really someone for everyone or do people just say that?
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male
reader, awesome14 +, writes (18 May 2020):
First of all, sexual experience is not really an issue. Women don't typically have sex just for the pleasure to be had. I know the reaponses in no way correspond to your experience.Growing up I mostly read and studied. I didn't think much of my chances with females. But, as I became more adult-like, I began to see the world more as it is, and less a product of my perception. I also sort of invented my own fashions, and my own personna. I am nothing really special. But I am hygenic, well-dressed (clean, attractive clothing and accessories), and have no dental or health issues. I'm not strong, tall or attractive. But I do ok with dating. I just learned rp trust that girls don't want to do harm. I never meet new girls online, because all a guy, or a girl, has omline is their appearance.Once you try it, you'll see it's not the way you think. But give yourself every advantage. Don't use rhe 'why bother even trying' approach.And, have an eye toward a relationship. Some guys want to play video games until midnite, and then go somewhere to pick-up bikini models who the guys can sleep with within half an hour. With that attitude, it's no wonder their their girlfriend is their laptop! Girls want more than guys do. So, see if you can work up the balls to swallow your fear!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2020): I don’t know how much validity you’ll give my opinion on this, because I’m asexual. I married an “ugly” male virgin, with similar interests and hobbies to yours. This was 10 years ago. He is very intelligent, and I love the conversations we have. He is also asexual, just not to the same extent as me. We still have a physical relationship as well as being best friends, it just doesn’t involve sex. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. By the way, I put ugly in quotes, because to me he isn’t ugly. He just doesn’t fit the societal standards of conventional attractiveness in a man. Many married men, and women, don’t. It doesn’t keep them from being in love with each other, or being attracted physically.
As far as your question on whether or not there is someone for everyone, some people might say that without truly believing it. However, there are also some who say it and mean it. I believe it to be true. How many men do you know of would want to be in a relationship with a woman who isn’t interested in having sex? I worried as a teenager that I would never find someone like me, or at the very least someone who would be accepting of my preference to not have sex. I still wanted a relationship, because I wanted the closeness to another person, just without the sex. I figured no one would be interested. It turned out I didn’t need to be worried.
As difficult as it may be, you MUST let go of your current mentality. Go ahead and approach a woman you’re attracted to. Yes, you will be rejected. Maybe a lot. Believe it or not, men you consider to be more attractive than you get rejected a lot as well. They just don’t talk about it. A lot of people, especially the egotistical type, will brag about their success constantly. They aren’t going to talk about when they were rejected as they feel it would make people think less of them, but it doesn’t mean they haven’t experienced it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2020): I would like to add to this by saying that there has been a lot of emphasis on you prioritising your personality rather than your looks. I totally agree but I would also like to add that I think personality works best when it involves also being ultra-considerate of the woman involved and asking a lot about her and even thinking in advance of meeting her what you could offer to help her.
I say this because in the past I've probably been regarded as extremely attractive but - due to my upbringing which involved my strange parents never talking about appearance etc - I have always had very low self esteem and have never held my looks in high esteem and never considered them important. For me, it is 100 per cent personality that counts in a man BUT - and this really matters - NOT the kind of personality where he is selfish and only self-promoting. I have very, very rarely met a man - typically 'good looking' or not - who is genuinely selfless and will either put the woman first or work with her as a team, as her equal. I cannot tell you the amount of times I've had narcissistic, very good looking men only want me as an object or, 'average' looking men wanting to prove their status / take an ego trip by dating me OR, even worse, very weak, very selfish men LOOKING TO ME TO SORT OUT ALL OF THEIR PROBLEMS AND BASICALLY MOTHER THEM AND BOOS T THEIR EGO. I would take a so-called 'ugly' man who was genuinely caring and selfless or even treated me as an equal and wanted to work as a team of two OVER a good looking guy any day!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2020): There you are. Several women here are telling you that looks are not that important. What is important is your personality, your confidence in yourself, your manners, your hygene, your smartness, being friendly and fun to be with. Being decent and dependable. Having a positive outlook to life.
You can see all these traits can be aquired through reading and training. You can even alter your looks to some extend in this time and age via plastic surgery. So don't sit back and lament yourself. Get up and start working on yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2020): As a woman, I can tell you that personality will get you a lot further than looks. Focus on your self esteem. Focus on meeting people you get on with as friends. If you are fat, get some exercise and eat healthier, and you will feel better about yourself. If you are hairy in all the wrong places, shave it. Most guys can look reasonable if they make a bit of effort. I'm sure with a bit of effort on your appearance and work on your self esteem and confidence you will be fine!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2020): Try a dating website.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2020): [EDIT]
Typo corrections:
"So the remedy is to scrape the bottom of the barrel for prostitutes???"
"Having the balls to seize on it, when it's within reach!"
" Many times no amount of pep-talks, coaching, and encouragement helps guys who think like you."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2020): If you're the kind of person who puts themselves down; you will not really try to meet anyone, because you've already decided you're unworthy. I'm really careful when I explain the concept of "loving yourself." I now know that doesn't mean the same to Gen-Z or millennials as what it used to mean. Nowadays it rises to a level of selfishness, conceit, and narcissism.
Just reading your post I can tell you are gentle, sweet, interesting, and a truly sincere person.
Keeping the term "self-love" in proper-perspective; the concept means having a decent level of self-awareness, a humble degree of self-worth, reasonable health-consciousness, a healthy self-esteem, and habits of good-hygiene. Doing whatever you can do to be presentable, likable, having self-respect, and being well-groomed. Not a mirror-obsessed gym-rat, or an egotistical frat-boy!
First-off, I know some lovely guys you might consider to be very unattractive-guys (I say this subjectively) who have lovely-girlfriends; and it's a normal daily-experience to see less-than average to quite visually-unattractive guys with wives, and a cute brood of kids. Your avoidance out of inexplicable shame, and possibly a lack of interactive-skills is what I presume to be your problem. You make excuses for the lack of trying. You seem to like the ladies to line-up and pity you. You don't deserve pity. Leave pity for those suffering and afflicted.
All your very cool interests are that of the typical nerd or geek. Not casting shade...takes one to know one! Being totally absorbed and obsessed with pursuing your interests and hobbies throughout your formative-years until puberty; when many discover an interest in boys or girls (depending on your sexual-orientation), and making friends or dating. You were probably hidden-away from the public. Living in your head! Shying-away from mingling and socializing; so you never developed a knack for meeting girls. You blame it on looks? Get outta here!!! You're socially-awkward, and incredibly shy!
You don't approach women, take any risks, and you have a crippling fear of rejection!
We get your type of posts constantly; and I know words don't help. People who "curse" themselves won't try. They self-isolate, and blame others for their unsubstantiated-fears. There comes a point in time you've got to overcome the teasing and bullying, and not allow the unkind and cruel things people have said or done to you in the past. Sometimes even parents failed to give you sufficient positive-reinforcement. Many parents go overboard and create pint-sized egomaniacs with an unbelievably over-sized sense of entitlement. That definitely isn't you! You're the opposite on the spectrum!
I won't even hesitate to say many guys claiming to be severely-challenged in the looks-department don't want a "plain" or "average-girl." They want a really exceptionally pretty-girl; which makes it harder to approach them, because they're intimidating. The irony is, I've seen women captivated and charmed just by the confidence and boldness of some "homely-guys" who just break the ice and have a nice chat. After the conceited self-impressed types got ignored or shot-down. Looks don't guarantee anything! Maybe you'll get first-dibs and attention based on appearance, until what's underneath is exposed. Ever wonder why all those gorgeous people are still single on dating sites?
If you can't get that extraordinary kind of woman; then no other woman validates you, and fulfills your fantasies. You are likely to have a tough time getting a woman; if your unrealistic desire is to get an exceptionally good-looking woman, who is a challenge for any guy. If you lack confidence and place them upon pedestals, will you ever feel worthy? So the remedy is to scrape the bottom pf the barrel for prostitutes??? They may be hot and expensive; but they still sell themselves to anybody who has the cash. They don't enjoy what they do, it's about the money.
Often it's karma that is the reason why guys claim nobody loves them, and they never get a girl. If you reject average-looking ladies, and don't even bother to give them the time of day; because you don't think they're pretty enough. I guess what goes around comes around! Some geeks and nerds may have to work a little harder; but so do average, curvy, or the plus-sized ladies. They are quite pretty; but fall short of the "commercialized-standard" of beauty (thin, blonde, busty); or a female in heavy-makeup, surgically-enhanced features, and the fashion-sense of a porn-actress. What about all those lonely-ladies who come to DC feeling rejected, even by guys like you?
It's not them, it's you. Your self-derogation, and defeatist-attitude; sometimes setting your sites on a higher-standard than you can realistically reach. Don't reject women who fall short of your fantasies. Maybe it's not your looks that's holding you back. Even the Elephant man had a woman. It might be your taste in women!
"Ugly" (that's a derogatory term you don't use in the first-person) or being unattractive really doesn't keep people from finding dates. Attitude, levelheadedness, confidence, an outgoing-personality, and kindness are all attractive-attributes that stand-out as much as physical-attractiveness. It's timing and opportunity. Having the balls to cease on it, when it's within reach!
I truly suspect being too shy, and wanting to be noticed by extremely-attractive women unlikely to date less than perfect-specimens of manhood. You mistakenly believing your appearance is the cause of the arrested-development in your love-life! That's not it. You don't try. You are so self-defeated and fearful of rejection; your dysmorphia is paralyzing you in the presence of females! Many times ho amount of pep-talks, coaching, and encouragement helps guys who think like you. It runs too deep, and sometimes it takes a mental-health professional to treat it.
You will learn that just getting to know people tends to expand your circle of friendly acquaintances with females. You share yourself, your hobbies, and try to be approachable. You have to push yourself to be warm and try to initiate conversation with women. Don't think about your looks, just offer that interesting personality you have to people; and allow your essence to be felt and acknowledged by random ladies. Trial and error! You'll come-out of your shell, relax around women, and they'll start to take notice of you. I'm not saying you are forced to approach nothing but the plainest of women; but until you are able to build enough confidence to deal with rejection, seek a friendly-smile and exchange friendly-chat with kind approachable ladies. They won't instantly turn you away; lest you freeze-up, or come across as creepy. You can be yourself! Attraction is an instinct, not just a visual-thing. You're far too intelligent to believe otherwise.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (22 March 2020):
 If you have an attitude like this then I’m afraid you’ve got no chance in life. If you’ve already given up and wallowing in self pity then who is going to be attracted to you? Life can be unfair. Some people aren’t the best looking, some have shitty personalities etc we all have our strengths, weaknesses and flaws, it’s what makes us who we are and separates us from other people that make us stand out enough to attract someone to us.
I got my first GF aged 26. Although I did have a good amount of casual relations before that when i was younger, I did have a time in my life where I had a similar mindset to what you have now. Where I felt like nobody would ever be interested, will I ever have sex blah blah, you know the script.
It took a while to get into my head that it’s really not the end of the world if you get rejected. In fact it needs to happen, it needs to happen so you can see first hand that it’s not that bad and life goes on. The fear of rejection can be really overwhelming at times as you think of the embarrassment that it will cause when in reality, there isn’t any. It’s something to be proud of, you’re taking a big step to say here I am and this is what I’m about, would you like to get to know each other better or not? If it’s a no, so what? You took the chance, got turned down and lived. Was that really it? All that anxiety over this moment?
When you realise that it’s such an insignificant feeling, then you will truly start to come on confidence wise and learn what you need to know about the dating world. Firstly, I would have suggested hitting the gym, but that will be a little tricky at current with the corona virus situation as here in the U.K. gyms have been told to shut their doors. It’s possible you could buy some home weight sets, do some circuit training or go running for a bit of fitness coupled with healthy eating to get yourself into some better shape which not only will make you look and feel healthier but it will boost your confidence no end!
Next I’d say to update your style. Buy some new clothes and get a new flattering Haircut. Possibly think about growing a beard or shaving a current one off to mix it up. Just get something new going on to try and reinvent yourself in the dating world!
Next would be to think about joining clubs or groups that you have hobbies of. I’m sure many females would love your creative side and if you’re in a club or like minded people then you’ve already got some common ground to start up conversation so it’s not as awkward as approaching someone that you don’t know at all.
At the end of the day man, we’re all human beings, no one is better than anyone else and all you can do is be a good person and ask people on dates and the worst they can say is no. If they do, so what!? Onto the next one and I guarantee your confidence will start to build when you realise that rejection really isn’t that bad. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been rejected before I got with my GF, but it made me the person I am today and helped give me the confidence I now posses. I wouldn’t change any of those rejections for the world!
Get that head up man, there’s someone out there for you and you will find them!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (22 March 2020):
 Oh OP...your post makes me sad. You are so very hard on yourself. We all have flaws and most of us are just average looking. Some people are better looking than others that is true but sweetie what you lack more than anything is confidence and faith in yourself!
Ok, so you aren't the best looking guy in the world. I have a feeling you are far harsher on yourself than anyone else! Work on what you have and work on traits that you don't have that will help you feel better about yourself and draw people to you.
Smile, be friendly. Do you have a sense of humor? If so, work on it. Be the friendly funny guy. There are many men in the world that a first glance aren't maybe so good looking like a movie star but a man with charm can get just about any woman. I don't mean be creepy but be genuine, kind and make people want to be in your company. Do you have any interesting hobbies? Would you consider getting a new hobby? Go out join a group meet people.
Little story...a true one. My ex husband is not attractive in the conventional way. When he was young (we got married at 19) he was OK. I fell for his sense of humor and he was very charming. As he has gotten older (58) time has not been kind to him in the looks dept. He is almost bald, short, big belly and bad teeth, thick glasses. Doesn't sound like a movie star right?? He was been married FIVE times! He doesn't have money or a big house or fancy cars but what he does have is confidence and he's very funny. Trust me, those women fell in love with his sense of humor and his charm. If he can do it...so can you. BELIEVE ME.
Don't give up on yourself. Sweetie, if you don't care about yourself and work on yourself then no one else is going to care or notice you. AGAIN...work on what you can make better and find ways to want women to get to know you.
I wish you all the best!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (22 March 2020):
My romantic history is identical to yours, so if anything I say seems harsh you should take it in the constructive and helpful spirit in which it is offered.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and putting yourself down. That is unattractive. It’s unattractive not because women are shallow or looking for the perfect guy, but because it communicates that you’re not willing to make the best of your situation. Putting yourself down like this will certainly garner you a lot of sympathy but it’s not sympathy that you want or need.
Take the wise advice of Youcannotbeserious and think about the things you can control and the things you can change. Everyone has different preferences when it comes to looks. I bet you don’t find every woman attractive. Does that reflect badly on those women? No, they’re just not to your aesthetic taste. You won’t be to everyone’s taste looks-wise, but no-one is to everyone’s taste. So, stop taking it personally and assuming that if you haven’t met a girl who is interested (not that you would seize your chance anyway), it reflects on you or your appearance. As she says, keep healthy and making an effort to look your best. Look smart and well-presented. One tip from me: smile a lot! Cheerfulness is nice.
Form friendships around your interests. It seems you have quite a lot of interests and talents. Work on your confidence. Learn to focus less on the fact that some-one is of the opposite sex and get to know them as another human being with whom you have common ground. Friends will help you see what is most attractive about you as a person. The feedback in how people react to us is all around us if we put ourselves out there and genuinely look at how people react. Maybe it’s your kindness, your humour, your intelligence or something else. Learn what’s great about you, celebrate it, work on it and be proud of it. When you work on yourself, you’ll be in a much better position to meet the right person for you and make the best decisions. Whilst you wait (because we all have to do that), you can make the wait a much more enjoyable one. Imagine not thinking about your singleness all the time but about all the good things in your life. Imagine realising that, whether anything romantic will happen or not with any given person, people really want to be around you and are drawn to you. It’s within your power to make that happen. No woman will do it for you, but you can do it now by resolving to re-think your self-perceptions and make your life the best it can be.
As I said, I’m still that male virgin and I’m in my 30s, but I’m not unhappy about it. There’s no rush to change it. It doesn’t make me a lesser or a better person.
One last thing: I remember years ago a male virgin poster in his 40s asked advice on whether to use an escort. We said no. He didn’t listen. Later he posted again, and it had been the disaster we predicted. If the entire experience is about having sex, the pressure will be intense. It didn’t work for him, and even if he had lost his virginity, he would be no more experienced or confident talking to girls or feel any less rejected. It’s the mind that has to shift. If you have an emotional connection to a partner who knows your situation and understands, you’ll stand a vastly greater chance of having an experience that was worth waiting for, and I don’t mean purely in relation to sex but the emotional connection that comes with a loving relationship too.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2020): I also think you're selling yourself short. You sound really interesting! Lots of lovely interests! So many people seem to just stare at their phones these days to see what other people are doing and you're doing loads of really inspiring things. Writing and drawing sound like a great way to pass your time and I'm sure your endeavours could be really inspiring to people if they got to know about them. What a great idea YCBS had! Use your wonderful hobbies as a link to others. And as she said, approach it all with the idea that you are making friends.
You know I believe that it's very attractive to meet someone who is interested in lots of things and who isn't desperate or needy for a relationship. Although you may feel that way (and I don't blame you), don't let that show when you interact with others.
A self sufficient male who can fill his time with interests is much more appealing to me than a bloke who spends all his time preening down the gym and looking at his phone. Boring and predictable. You sound great!
And again, as YCBS said, please try to change your perception of yourself.
I was pretty hot (even though I say so myself) when I was younger and I went out with a guy who my Mum could never listen to, because all she said she thought when she looked at him was, 'What are you doing with my beautiful daughter'. He had a pigeon chest, big nose, short and thin, but God was he good fun! We all used to go out in a group and on the odd occasion he didn't go, the evening would fall flat without him! Everyone loved him! He did not obsess about his looks, he just loved to laugh and he MARRIED the hottest woman I have ever seen. Honestly. All male heads would turn when she walked by and then my ex would follow and no-one could quite believe it. They're still married decades later.
Looks etc really don't matter in the long run. Connecting with someone does. And it sounds as if you've got it all going on. You're intelligent, interesting and sensitive. If you could change how you think about yourself and realise that there are a lot of women out there who would be very pleased to meet you, you'd have a great time!
Just one more example while I think of it. A very good friend of mine loved men who look nerdy. If they wore glasses, were thin and wore a long, thin scarf she was there! I remember her saying, if they also had a cold that was even better! Go figure! This world takes all sorts you know. Look around you. Very few people are amazing looking. And very few sound as interesting as you do. I would have loved a partner who was as interesting as you sound.
Go for it, believe in yourself more and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (22 March 2020):
 You do realize that women are not nearly as visually orientated when looking for a partner as are men? While there will always be women who put great importance on pairing up with "eye candy", there are also plenty of women who know that looks are not the be all and end all. In fact, after the initial attraction, looks are really quite irrelevant. What is important is the character of the person involved.
There are not many males around with the looks of Brad Pitt. Most men, like most women, are pretty average looking. I doubt you are as "ugly" as you believe. I think you just lack confidence because you have never had a girlfriend.
My first bit of advice would be to take a long honest look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself "what can I realistically improve/make the most of?" You can have two people with the same looks/build and yet one can look a lot more visually attractive than the other because they put more care into looking after themselves. They will eat healthily, they will exercise, they will ensure they are well groomed and well dressed. As soon as you know you are looking your "best", you will instantly feel better about yourself and more confident. Self confidence is an attractive quality in people (as long as it is not taken too far).
Next I would advise that you join some groups which share your interests, especially the creative writing and drawing. That will enable you to meet others, male and female, with whom you have things in common. Don't look at anyone as a potential girlfriend, just as a potential friend. Then, if there is a spark between you, you can take that next step when you are ready. This way you will hopefully get to chat to women with whom you have things in common. There is nothing more boring than going out with someone on a date with whom you have nothing in common. You need to have some shared interests to have a conversation.
Lastly I would advise you to stop running yourself down and thinking you would - in your words - ruin someone's day by approaching them. Don't wade in with the aim of getting a date. Approach them with the aim of making contact with another human being and just chat to them. Ask them about their day. Ask what they are doing there. Anything that fits the situation. Just show an interest in THEM. People love it when someone shows an interest in them (as long as it is not over the top). Next time you are in a supermarket queue, speak to the person next to you. Comment on the weather, on the craziness surrounding the Corvid-19 situation, on what people are hoarding. If you feel they are not interested in taking the chat further, leave it there and walk away. Nothing lost. However, if you are friendly and polite, sooner or later you will find a lady who will be more than interested in chatting to this polite, thoughtful and caring young man.
Bottom line: you need to change your thinking and your perception of yourself. Good luck. I wish you all the very best.
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