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*o nonsense Aidan

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Latest articles:

I'm a thoroughly modern brand of old-fashioned

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12 August 2016: I was particularly amused by a recent comment about my views. I was described as living in “the 1950s,” which I found highly amusing. But when I’d had my chuckle, I got to thinking: what would it be like to be stuck in the 50s? How does the ...

I hate cheating, but not as much as a failure to forgive

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23 August 2015: IT’s been the story that hasn’t gone away all week. Ashley Madison sent journalists in to a spin trying to access the 9.7 gb of data leaked on to the internet, trying to find any public figures who may be embroiled in the scandal. Suspicious spouses ...

Childless by choice: please stop judging us

This question has 2 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
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6 July 2015: This morning, as usual, I was perusing the questions on Dearcupid, when I stumbled across a question from a woman regarding her feelings about not wanting a child. Although I gave a comprehensive answer to the question, it touched a nerve with me, ...

On-line dating: my honest look

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12 January 2014: On-line dating: my honest look Those who read my column with any regularity will know there is considerable absence of references to my personal life. I am, for the most part, keen to concentrate on advising because, good advice is good no matte...

Revenge is sweet: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that.

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9 March 2013: REVENGE IS SWEET: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that. Revenge, they say, is sweet. Well British people have, if they have been following the news, witnessed a very public case in point to prove that the reverse can ...

Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies

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6 January 2013: Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies You may or may not know that in Ireland, the date of 6 January is known as Women’s Christmas (Nollaig na mBan). On this day, the tradition (still strong in parts of the country) is that men take responsibil...

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How do I fall out of love? 

Q.   Hi, So I need help falling out of love. I feel very strongly for a girl and, for reasons I won't divulge here, there is absolutely zero chance of having a relationship with her. Any advice on falling out of love? Thanks in advance....

A.   7 July 2015: If only you could. It’s not possible to switch feelings on and off like a tap. I think Dear Cupid might be out of business if it were. What you have to do is remember that you can, and will, fall in love again. There will be some-one else, just not ... (read in full...)

Partner says relationship with my son is not normal? 

Q.   Opinions please... My son is ten and it's been me and him on our own since he was a baby. He is very much a mummies boy and we have a great relationship. I have been in a relationship with an older man for several years on and off. He doe...

A.   7 July 2015: It’s lovely that there is such warmth, closeness and affection in your relationship with your son. I tell my parents I love them at 25, not non-stop by any means, but I do. You have obviously been everything to this boy, and he means everything to ... (read in full...)

Monogamous person in a polyamorous relationship. Suggestions/thoughts?

Q.   Hello everyone. I would like to detail about a predicament that has risen within the past few weeks involving a close friend of mine and a potential relationship occurring with her and would really appreciate any insight regarding this. Let me gi...

A.   7 July 2015: My statement is brief: don’t bother. I’m sorry but when you say that the reasons are obvious as to why you don’t care for her current boyfriend, I’m afraid they’re not. You don’t care how he feels because he’s with some-one who isn’t yours anyway? ... (read in full...)

Do all men crave sexual variety?

Q.   Are there men who do not thinking about screwing other women when they are either in a committed relationship or married? Do all men crave sexual variety?...

A.   7 July 2015: That’s a pretty dim view of men, wherever it comes from. I never understand why people ask questions about all men, or all women? There’s no truth applicable to all men or all women. Some men crave sexual variety, others are perfectly content with ... (read in full...)

Why didn't this man take his chance to take things further?

Q.   Why did he lead me on and then vanish? I recently met a man who was 51 on a dating site! He was consistent in his chase, then the spooning pics started and on our 4th date he gave all the signals that he was thinking of inviting me to spend the nig...

A.   7 July 2015: Have you considered that he has feelings too? Perhaps it was he who wasn’t ready. Perhaps he thought it would be too soon. Perhaps, that night, a massage meant a massage. Not every man will always take it up when it is, as you say, offered up on a ... (read in full...)

Meeting people you admire and being disapointed, it is ok to feel this way?

Q.   Recently a friend met a theatre actress after a stage show she admired, and though the actress took a photo with her ( and even sent a tweet the next day,)she seemed rushed when she her and others and not interested in chatting There wer...

A.   7 July 2015: Interesting question. Your friend was probably a bit unrealistic in her expectations as it sounds like the actress was friendly enough to me. As for meeting people you admire, the question is whether you have truly figured out who they are as a ... (read in full...)

Is going with his best friend bad? Have I put up with too much cheating by my BF?

Q.   so, me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years. But over that time, I will put in order...he has: Kissed a girl Had sexual contact with a girl kissed a girl slept with a girl sent nudes to a girl kissed a girl kissed a girl sent fl...

A.   7 July 2015: You should leave your boyfriend anyway, irrespective of his friend. That is, unless you are able and willing to put up with all this cheating, as with this many indiscretions I’m afraid he’s not going to change. Since you’ve stuck by him, in his ... (read in full...)

Am I the problem? Have social media issues and everything is conflict and a battle with him

Q.   Hi, social media issue unfortunately.. I have been dating my partner for two and a half years. I have been widow for over three years, he had a relationship before me that lasted around three years. Through our relationship our exes would be br...

A.   7 July 2015: Wrong, this isn’t a social media issue, this is insecurity and controlling, manipulative behaviour from your boyfriend. He was your husband. You had a child with him. IT’s your past, and it’s your daughter’s past. Anyone who gets insecure over ... (read in full...)

We are both out of work and he says he is aggravated and has issues with his son. Is that enough to cause him to not want sex?

Q.   Is it normal for guys to be distant and not want sex when they are stressed? We live together and are both out of work. He is also having issues with his son.He just says he is aggravated. Not sure how to handle this. He says we are around each o...

A.   7 July 2015: Yes, stress is a leading cause of loss of sexual drive in men and women. Your lives sound pretty stressful at the moment and your communication has broken down. You need space apart from each other. This might come when one of you gets work, starts ... (read in full...)

Was he a jerk for flirting with her in front of me just after I told him about my crush on him?

Q.   Heya, Okay so basically I like this boy but the problem is so does my best friend!! So I told this boy how i felt and my best friend helped me tell him so everything was great then!! I then was talking about asking him out as a nice friend I s...

A.   6 July 2015: Two friends both like the same guy, it’s an old, old story. It’s true that your friend didn’t promise not to go after him, whereas you did. Perhaps this makes you a little nobler, but in the grand scheme of things, this doesn’t matter much. At your ... (read in full...)

Sexually and romantically I prefer males. So why am I sometimes aroused by women's boobs?

Q.   I'm so confused about things, let me explain: I am very much sexually and romantically attracted to boys, always have been, ever since I was 4 years old. But with that, I've also noticed that since I was close to puberty, I also got arou...

A.   6 July 2015: To be honest with you, it means very little. Attraction is complicated. You’ve already mentioned sexual attraction and romantic attraction, but there can also be aesthetic attraction. In other words, you simply appreciate something about some-one’s ... (read in full...)

I am having trouble giving up control and it's ruining our love making. What can be done?

Q.   I need help, now. My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half and are moving in together soon. We have a problem and it is beginning to seriously affect our relationship. Every now and then she will become filled with love and lust for...

A.   6 July 2015: I’m sorry but your girlfriend needs to stop whining and get over it. There is, quite simply, a time and a place. True, the idea of diarised intimacy is frightfully unromantic and probably a pretty effective passion killer, but spontaneity also has ... (read in full...)

She is my ex-girlfriend's sister and I'm starting to get feelings for her. Is this my mid-life crisis?

Q.   I dated a girl about 12 years ago for 3 years, we ended on good terms, but just after we broke up, I became a good friend to her slightly older sister. I dont really speak to my ex anymore but i am still very good friends with her sister. Her ...

A.   6 July 2015: Probably not midlife problems. After all, you say you’ve had a steady friendship with this woman for quite some time. The real question is what you do about it. Do you know whether she feels the same? Do you want to tell her and ask her? Do you ... (read in full...)

I'm single and have made a decision that I'll not become a mother. Is this a decision I might regret later?

Q.   Dear Cupid, I am a 30 year old woman who is single with no children. My family (more so my parents and 2 sisters) have been getting on my case for lack of a better word, for not having started a family by now and for have been single for so lo...

A.   6 July 2015: Who knows if you’ll regret it in the future? Unfortunately, if we worried about the possibility that at some point in the future we might regret what we today believe to be the right choices, we’d never make a decision about anything at all. You do ... (read in full...)

T (a guy) has feelings for me and I am gay. My best friend J is a girl and she has a huge crush on T. But what should I say to J?

Q.   Hiya, I am gay and my best friend (a girl, J) is rather attracted to this guy called T. J is besotted with T and would do anything to be with T but the other day T admitted his feelings for me. This is made worse by the fact that T is apparentl...

A.   2 July 2015: How complicated! Tell J the truth. Whether T is indeed gay or not, his feelings are evidently not for J. Tell J that you value her friendship and want to be honest with her about the fact that it’s not likely T will reciprocate her feelings. She can ... (read in full...)

Is there a way to only be interested in straight women, or am I cursed?

Q.   So, I seem to have bad luck with women. I personally don't get along with the beliefs of someone who is LGBT, just because of my upbringing. Because of this, my friends and love interests are extremely limited. I have a single lesbian friend...

A.   30 June 2015: Wo! Slow down! I think you’re getting a bit carried away here. If these girls are lesbian, it’s not your beliefs that are the issue. They’re gay, so they won’t have a crush on you in return, whatever you think. There is no one kind of gay person, so ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend speaks English but uses his language most of the time. I don't like it!

Q.   Hi, I have been dating a guy over 2 years and in the first year we communicated in English and then after a year I noticed he started talking in his native language to everyone his friends,his parents(which he always did)his sister,his best friend w...

A.   30 June 2015: You are being quite selfish. True, if you are around, the conversation should be conducted in a language everyone understands, so if he is excluding you by using his own language then that is something you should challenge him on. When you’re not ... (read in full...)

How do I get my head around the fact that he's rejected me because I have a child?

Q.   My ex and I were together for a year and we've been broken up for 4mos. He came back a month ago wanting a second chance but then changed his mind. He says that he doesn't want to be with me because I have a child. I'm trying my best not to cry w...

A.   23 June 2015: He isn’t judging you, he’s just being honest with you. There is no future for your relationship because he is not willing to accept your child. Personally, I find it a selfish reason that he gives, namely not wanting to share you with a child, but ... (read in full...)

Is it generally normal for a Doctor to ask a patient if the patient is married?

Q.   I had a followup with a female doctor/consultant after procedure. Big hospital, see different doctor each time usually, so probably won't see again. This one asked me if I am married, was very friendly and when I left told me how nice it was to know...

A.   22 June 2015: There’s no law against asking, you don’t have to answer the question. There can be several reasons why a doctor might ask. One is simply that she was just making conversation and being friendly. It may be a question to identify whether you are ... (read in full...)

Does he love me or is staying married taking the easy way out?

Q.   My husband and I seperated mainly due to growing apart over the years. We were more like buddies and although we had a solid sex life , he was always using porn behind my back when we had agreed this would not be part of relationship and he would ...

A.   3 May 2015: I don’t know what you do. You say he doesn’t compliment you, but don’t seem to take him seriously when he does. Maybe the lack of interest exists on both sides more than you perhaps realise. The fact is, if you’re not prepared to take him at his ... (read in full...)

What can I do about this family situation?

Q.   Hi everyone! Hoping you can help with some relative troubles! Just before I start I think it would be relevant to say I have not got a close knit family. My immediate family (me, mum, dad and sis) are very very close and happy and for that reason ...

A.   3 May 2015: Well I think you’re going to have to block the number so that you can at least be spared phone calls and text messages. If you have Facebook on your phone, disable Messenger notifications so that you’re not constantly disturbed by that too. I’m not ... (read in full...)

Did he blame me unjustly when I was just trying to comfort him and do what seemed right, at the time?

Q.   Dear aunts and uncles, My boyfriends grandfather whom he was really close to passed away a couple of weeks ago, his grandfather really loved me, and i loved him a lot too. I was really sad hearing about him. He was in the hospital for a couple of ...

A.   3 May 2015: It sounds to me like his head was all over the place. Maybe he wanted sex, maybe he just wanted some comfort. Perhaps he wanted one thing one minute, and another the next. It’s what happens at times of grief. The point is, whether you had sex or ... (read in full...)

Is grief causing me confusion about life decisions? Do I stay or try to settle in another country?

Q.   Dear Cupid Hi aunts and uncles I hope all is well, To give you some background I'm 34 and live in London. 3 weeks ago my father died very suddenly of a heart attack and my world has been turned upside down. I had a big trip to usa with my b...

A.   1 May 2015: Honeypie’s right, you need to end this relationship because there’s nothing really there anymore other than staying in it out of fear of the unknown. She is also right that living somewhere is a very different prospect to having a holiday there. ... (read in full...)

Is it too risky to spend time with this very sexually experienced guy considering that I want to remain celibate until I marry?

Q.   Hi, About 3 months ago I met this guy and we started talking! he told me that when he was in high school and university so let's say a time frame from 18-24 he lived a pretty risqué lifestyle..and has been with a lot of women! he was in serious r...

A.   26 April 2015: Is it too risky? It depends what risks you’re talking about. Is there too high a risk you’ll have sex with him? Well that depends on how open to persuasion you are. Supposing you get serious, and he isn’t prepared for a sexless courtship, you may be ... (read in full...)

I don't want this to happen in real life. But am I normal to have these secret fantasies about my wife?

Q.   I have a wife and am happily married but during my own time I'm constantly fantasizing about her having sex with other men, particularly big black men. It turns me on thinking that she is enjoying/ pleased more especially as they have a bigger p...

A.   26 April 2015: IT’s certainly not unheard of to be turned on by the thought of your partner with some-one else. Thoughts like that really should remain as thoughts though. However if you’re putting her panties on and looking on the internet, you’re beginning to ... (read in full...)

Is it right or wrong to find a sex partner for my mother?

Q.   ..my mom is 55 nw . My dad died 26 years back..I know that its been long that she had sex..i even know how it feels with out sex for humans ..so m planing to find someone for her sex life...is it right r wrong..?...

A.   23 April 2015: It’s a bit weird but I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s wrong. It’s obvious you care for your mother and that’s nice. Wouldn’t it be nicer to find some-one for her to date and get to know as a companion first though, rather than some-one just for ... (read in full...)

My question is should I have unprotected sex with this guy?

Q.   My boyfriend has restricted me on his facebook account so I can only see his public page he says he no longer is interested in facebook and does not use it very much -which is a lie because when I go onto facebook on my account I can click on his ...

A.   23 April 2015: This question doesn’t make sense. You talk about his Facebook use, then ask if you should have unprotected sex with him? Well if you’re ready for a baby and you love him, by all means, but if you can’t even have honesty with each other about ... (read in full...)

He's suffered depression and it feels like he's pushing me away. Should I leave so I can be happy again?

Q.   I am in a sort of happy relationship now. We have had a bad up and down recently. He neglected me while i was pregnant and then whilst our baby was very young. This went on for over a year and at some point i stopped loving him. But i stayed. We...

A.   23 April 2015: If you don’t love him, you should leave. If you do, tell him how strongly you feel. Tell him you understand that Depression is hard, but that you don’t feel you can continue with him if he doesn’t try anything to sort things out. Whether he snaps ... (read in full...)

Why should I have to accept gay people, just because others do?

Q.   I no we're meant to accept gays but I cant help but think its wrong and I don't hate it but I find it wrong I'm 13 by the way. I don't get why gays should be taught about in schools because why should I have to accept just cos others do? I do...

A.   20 April 2015: First of all, may I commend you for being so honest and mature in the way you have asked this question. It took guts. I’m going to give you a long answer because I hope it’ll help you come to terms with your feelings about this, and better ... (read in full...)

Would you stay with someone if you knew their health was going to deteriorate drastically over the next few years

Q.   Would you stay with someone if you knew they're health was going to deteriorate drastically over the next few years to the point of posdible handicap! We've been together for two years and always up front about it but now that we're staring at this ...

A.   17 April 2015: If you ask other people, I would imagine many people would say that they would stay with their partner, if they were in a loving relationship with them. They would probably say it depends on how strong the feelings are, how serious you are, and ... (read in full...)

Does porn viewing encourage men to treat women with disrespect?

Q.   Does porn viewing encourage men to treat women with disrespect. At times I notice my partner becomes somewhat disrespectful and dismissive of me. At times it almost seems like a little contemptuous . Without fail , everytime I have noticed this , I...

A.   15 April 2015: This has been described as “chicken and egg” by some of the posters here and I agree. I discourage the use of porn because, what I think we can say with confidence, is it makes any issues you have worse. Maybe he is a disrespectful person, or maybe ... (read in full...)

I have developed feelings for my FWB!

Q.   Hey everyone! I've recently moved to a new place and started a new job. Pretty quickly I began sleeping with somebody I work with. Normally I'd agree that this is a terrible idea, but we were kind of friends beforehand and came to an agreement - ...

A.   15 April 2015: It’s already messed up, because FWB never works. Some-one gets attached, and that is often not reciprocated. I’ve found that it happens equally to men and women, and it’s painful. You need to tell him how you feel. I think what you’re saying is that ... (read in full...)

Help me decide to do the right thing!

Q.   I met my boyfriend in online dating , two days after we talked and chat . He was persistent to move in with me . We was only still trying to get to know each other.. part of me I was shocked and also willing to give him a chance but a lot of doubt. ...

A.   15 April 2015: There are few occasions when I’m so astounded that I have to read a question twice to believe what I’m seeing. Yours is one such rare occasion. I just can’t believe it, and want to say, with the greatest of respect, what on earth were you thinking? ... (read in full...)

Am I wrong for wanting to know if she enjoyed it and if he wore a condom?

Q.   I have a 27 year old girlfriend of 3 years and we have recently been having some issues in regards to spending time together. She has been spending a lot of time with a co-worker (going out, going to his place but just as friends as she claims). ...

A.   9 April 2015: I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask if she wore a condom: other forms of contraception can very reliably prevent pregnancy but not the risk of catching a STI. Why does she “think so?” Surely you’d know if you used a condom or not? IF not, why ... (read in full...)

The marriage is in trouble and it's my fault

Q.   I am a stay at home mom with 2 babies 3 and under. My fiance works 10-12 hour shifts 6 days a week and I stay home with the kids. We live at his moms and hope to move out this month. The problem is that lately, after 2 years of being together our ...

A.   2 April 2015: You do sound like you’re being a bit of a nightmare, but to your credit you recognise very clearly the destructive impact of your behaviour. It’s time to stop beating yourself up over it and try and get under the skin of what’s going on. A lot of ... (read in full...)

Anyone experience this before? I'm so confused. First time I've been attracted to a girl

Q.   I have always been attracted to the opposite sex. I've only dated men, want to marry, and have children one day. However I started a new job and for the first time in my life (and I'm in my mid 20's) I feel as though I'm "attracted" to t...

A.   4 March 2015: I think she invited you out to make you feel welcome, simple as that. I don’t think you need to worry too much about these feelings. Sexuality is complicated: some psychologists have questioned the idea that most of us are 100% anything, whether gay ... (read in full...)

Is my crush trying to send a message to the other gals at work what is his purpose?

Q.   Dear cupid,I have a huge crush on a guy I have been knowing for about 8 months.He stated he is in a relationship but he is not married.We flirt with each other back and forward and I notice the other gals rolling their eyes at me on the sly.Really ...

A.   3 March 2015: I would probably be one of those rolling my eyes at you to be honest. Maybe they don’t want to watch him, a man that’s spoken for, and you, a woman who knows that’s the case, flirting with each other all the time. It’s a bit awkward, and I’d imagine ... (read in full...)

I feel so confused and upset because it seems he doesn't really care for me!

Q.   Im not sure anymore what to think of things. Im feeling very sad now about my relationship i am in and very confused. Ive been in a relationship now for 3 and a half years, he is quite a bit older than me, im 36 and he is 54. The realtionship has...

A.   3 March 2015: Aren’t you being a bit dramatic? Okay, sending that extra card was insensitive and foolish, and if his friends don’t like his choice of partner, maybe he needs to be a bit firmer with them about accepting you. He’s probably being a bit of a wimp to ... (read in full...)

Should I tell my friend that she may get fired?

Q.   I know how crazy this question may sound. Off course I should, right? Only, she’s unable to hear anything bad in general and especially right now. She’s been prolonging her sick leave for over a month (we live in a European country where th...

A.   3 March 2015: She is presumably being certificated as sick by a doctor. I don’t think you actually know anything much really, other than this colleague feels her position is increasingly under threat because of her extended absence, which sounds plausible enough, ... (read in full...)

How do you start a relationship over?

Q.   My fiancé of 2 years left home 3 weeks ago. He says he still loves me but we need to start our relationship again. I want a life with him so starting again is hard. Should I re-propose to him? Or should I let him go?...

A.   3 March 2015: What does he mean by start again? I don’t think anyone can answer this question for you with the amount of detail you have given here. You have to ask him what he means by starting again. You have to both want to give it another go, and if you do ... (read in full...)

How to avoid Date Rape?

Q.   I've been seeking out nothing more than casual sex online and made this blatant on my dating profile. However, getting date raped as a result has become a fear. I'm afraid that, in the situation where I want to take things slow, postpone the act...

A.   3 March 2015: I don’t think you can hook up safely with a person you don’t even know. If you asked me whether you should do so, I’d always say no. But as you have decided this is what you want, follow all your own suggestions to be as safe as you can. If they ... (read in full...)

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