A
female
age
41-50,
*hiannon3
writes:I am a single mom. I have been divorced twice. I attract toxic people. Or people who need fixed. I am trying to get back into the dating scene. I feel like I truly know myself now. I am sensitive and an over thinker. I am wondering if I should just give up on a relationship because of these traits. Should I just stay single and get a bed buddy? I’m starting to think that even if the men are toxic that it could have worked out if I wasn’t so sensitive.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 May 2020):
 You think you can keep your emotions out of a "FWB"?
You think you will be "safer" with casual partners? Because you would be dealing with someone who isn't invested in you AT ALL.
And if you have a tendency to be "drawn" to toxic men, do you think because it's just sex... you will NOT still pick them?
I think some self-reflection and working on YOU should be your priority. WHY do you pick that kind of man? Do you attract toxic men because YOU aren't as healthy as can be or because you think that is all you deserve? Is it a TYPE you go for? And why? There is a lot of self reflection you can do.
Learning to love yourself and be happy WITHIN yourself will attract people who can see that. Toxic people seek out people they deem vulnerable and "weak".
Healthy people want healthy partners. So work on BEING a healthy and whole person.
Why settle for an "occasional poke" instead of working on you and finding something lasting?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2020): If you describe yourself as "sensitive;" getting a friend with benefits is asking for trouble. You're a mature-lady, over 40, and married twice. It is unlikely you'd settle into a noncommittal-arrangement strictly for a bed-buddy.
Cynicism or bitterness may make you do compulsive or impetuous things; if you're undergoing a middle-age crisis. Such arrangements workout better for people in their twenties; because youthful-inexperience is likely to be more reckless, and not foresee (or mind) the pitfalls. Experience has taught you far too much; and you are likely to expect or demand far too much.
Often people incorrectly seek relationships for a feeling of security; and to escape their own demons. They hope they'd find a partner for strength and protection. This usually fails, because the reality is; two drowning-people with a load of baggage will only sink each other to the bottom.
You don't attract men who are a rescue-project; you settle for guys who need work, because you hope they'd overlook your flaws. You're hoping to form a co-dependency that will work symbiotically. You feed-off his energy, and he will feed-off yours; and somehow together you will form one healthy balanced-individual. I guess experience has finally taught you that doesn't work. Gratitude is not love. That is more likely what you will get in-return for saving people. Sometimes you'll get ingratitude in-return. Your help is not appreciated; because they feel obligated to repay you for your kindness and generosity. Even broken-men, down on their luck, can have the audacity to be prideful and unappreciative.
Love isn't nourished on pity, and can't be maintained on weakness. When you seek a romantic-partner, each individual has needs. Both have their own faults and weaknesses. The point is to establish compatibility, by searching for things in-common; and establishing a match on common-ground. You can't tip the scale! If he has too many faults, he will become your burden. If you have more than he does; then the relationship becomes centered around working on, or around, your issues. It becomes difficult tiptoeing around emotional mind-fields, and handling people with kit-gloves. Personal-problems, insecurities, or emotional-issues that should have been dealt with before committing into a relationship. You shouldn't be dragging around unresolved baggage. Carrying a cargo of drama leftover from your past mistakes; while thinking finding somebody else will magically cure your ills, and turn-back the hands of time.
The downtime after broken-relationships is when you become your own rescue-project. You put-up a sign to alert the public that you're " Out-of-Order and Under Repair." "This Road is Closed!"
At this crossroads in your life; you lay-low, and go temporarily out of circulation. Appearing only to socialize; and to keep all your social-networks active...meaning only those unrelated to romantic-pursuits or love-interests. We repeat mistakes when we try to find others to blame, and don't own it. Even worse, trying to get a different outcome; after doing all the wrong things you did the first-time!
I would say it's safe to say two failed-marriages are partially your fault. It takes two to make a couple. There are two-sides to every story...and a history to be revealed in every relationship. Both parties are human! Therefore, each contributes their own share of imperfections and misdeeds that caused things to go south. There are exceptions to be considered, when one party is victimized. Like cheating, domestic-violence, abandonment; or the discovery of deception, fraud, or scams. If you didn't learn the first-time, and it happens again. You make bad-choices.
I would not recommend finding a bed-buddy; because you will simply create a new type of problems in your life. You increase the risk of exposure to venereal diseases. You cannot control whom the heart decides to grow attached to; and that could go either-way between two people.
Younger-people experimenting have fewer inhibitions. Usually, they lack the judgement to steer clear of the things you've endured through two marriages; and they are more resilient in their recovery when things fail to workout as planned. You're far too cynical to give any man the freedom to please himself; and just be on his merry-way. Your very experienced thought-processes are far too complex for such simplicity. You will be even more resentful when he finds a younger prettier woman. It would be an insult to your dignity; and an offense to your pride and vanity. Thus a hard-blow to your self-esteem.
Maybe you're venting, and just seeking some wisdom to get you back on track. Somehow I think your suggestion is purely rhetorical; and you wanted us to talk some sense into you. Sweetheart, I know you know better!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (9 May 2020):
There’s nothing wrong with a single woman enjoying her single hood whilst having the pleasure of a bed buddy. Some people can see sex as simply a leisure activity: it’s something to be enjoyed just like any other pursuit. For others it can’t be separated from an emotional bond and connection.
What concerns me, though, is that I don’t see how this is going to make you less sensitive if you are prone to being oversensitive. You can’t be oversensitive in the first place to go into something like this: it can end bluntly and brutally, which is all fine unless feelings develop which are not reciprocated. So my suggestion would be a complete break from dating altogether. Focus on things you want to do: spend more time with friends, give your hobbies more time or aim for something at work – whatever it is, give yourself chance to see what a fulfilling and fantastic life you can have on your own. Then you’ll be ready to ease yourself cautiously back into dating, or even have the confidence to know you’ll probably be okay if you get a bed buddy, assuming that’s still something you want.
The change is about not looking to dates of any kind for your happiness.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2020): You should concentrate on being happy with yourself before you try to build a relationship. If you need a bed buddy - as you call it - then why not? Or a vibrator - you don't even need to buy it drinks.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (9 May 2020):
 I would not contemplate getting back into the dating scene until you are 100% sure of what you want, and more importantly feel you are ready in yourself.
Some people go from one relationship to the other, and the same things keep happening in every relationship, like a mirror image. Something has got to change, but something has got to change in yourself. Most people try to change external things in the hope that this will change people, things, events. But the truth is, the key is changing your inner world, then once you have done this is where the true magic happens.
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