A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:HeI've been in a long distance relationship with a German guy for a while now, but I'm just at a point where I feel frustrated and undervalued.This is the issue we're currently having:He told me he wanted me to spend Christmas with him and that we'd go to Christmas Markets, etc. I wasn't sure it was the right decision, as I spent Christmas with him almost every year and and I had already made the decision to stay home this year and fly afterwards to spend New Years with him. For reference, he hasn't spent Christmas with my family once, I suggested it once in the past and he brushed it off and told me his family is too important on that date. Anyway, after a lot of thought and convincing and "promises" of what a great time we'd have and how he take me to see Christmas Markets and a football match, I decided to book my flight a few days before the 24th.Just yesterday, he told me he now has two Christmas parties (an office one and one with his friends in which they plan to go to the same football match he originally invited me to before going out to town) on the first weekend I'll be there, and that I can't come because nobody will take their partners to either.I'm just so incredibly disappointed. I asked him why I can't come and he said "well, I guess you can come if you want, but nobody is bringing their girlfiends". I think if this was a one time thing, I'd be somewhat understanding and maybe I'd just take that weekend to take a trip to another city in Europe or something, but it's just the meaning behind it that is bothering me so much and the fact that it's not the first time he does stuff like this.For example, two years ago, I booked my flight to visit him and a few days later, he messaged me to ask if I could find a way to change my flight or come later because his friends were planning a cruise trip on the same dates I was meant to come. We fought a ton over this (the flight had cost me an arm and back then I did have a full time job and it was the only time I could get time off) and in the end he did wind up not going, but the entire week felt awkward as hell and when his friend returned from the cruise, at a party, one of them grilled me for being such a bitch and not letting him have fun with his friends and called me a gold digger in front of everyone. (I'm not a gold digger by the way, I actually earn more than he does and we always split bills, etc).Back to today, when I confronted him about the plans we had made and how he suddenly didn't have time for them, we dicussed things and he told me "well, I have a social life here and you have to respect that".I felt humiliated and he never ackowledge what had happened. He kept telling me that his friend hadn't meant it that way, and that he was just too drunk and I shouldn't take it seriously.Same thing happened once with his brother, when the dude made a racist joke against me when he asked me to work on a (free) project for his office and I let him know I wasn't taking on more projects that year as I was swamped with work. He didn't take that well and said "ughh, I guess if you don't do this for me, I'll just have to call immigration on you and tell them to deport you". (I'm Mexican and this was a referrence to Trump news, etc. And no, I'm not in anyway living in Germany illegally nor do I intend to do so.).Again, I felt like crap. I ignored it and just didn't say anything as we were all having a family dinner and I didn't want to make a scene, but I did tell my boyfriend later how I had felt like crap about what his brother had said earlier. Once again, he brushed it off by saying it was just a joke and that I was overracting and taking things too seriously. When I went ahead and told him that, to me, it had sounded very racist, he immediately jumped at me and told me off for calling his brother a racist.I just.... I feel like I'm in no way a priority and I'm so, so tired. Not just with him always choosing plans over ours, but the fact that I'm somehow always made to look like the bad person in the story and him always brushing my feelings off my saying "I'm overreacting". I'm starting to think that this relationship wouldn't work if it weren't for the effort I put in - spending thousands a year on flights to visit him (for reference, I've visited him 20+ times whereas he has only visited me three times. It does somehow make sense as I have my own business and I can set my own hours), or the fact that I agreed to close the distance this year and to move to Germany to be with him later in the year even though I don't like the country that much and that it would mean giving up the life I have here with friends, family, etc. I did tell him once that I hope we could also at least try to live in Mexico for a year or so or maybe see if we can find a way to move to another country on a working holiday visa just to experience other things, and he said he didn't want to ever move out of Germany because he likes it too much there.I've thought about that a lot, and all the sacrifices (also long-run ones) I'd have to make to keep the relationship going and I'd made the decision to keep going as perhaps the good outweighted the bad, but now I'm at a point where I'm not sure it does?Am I overracting? He says it's just a party and a football game, that he doesn't get why I'm so upset, but I think he doesn't understand the fact that it's more the fact that he ditched our plans for better ones as soon as they came along and that we've had similar issues/fights in the past in which he always promises he'll get better and somehow, we always wind up back to the very same discussion.Any advice appreciated... :/Thanks!
View related questions:
christmas, drunk, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): OP, you are not overreacting at all, in fact you are finally wising up! This guy is just using your body, when you are present, otherwise you mean nothing to him! I am sorry to say that, to you, but it is an obvious fact. Any decent bf would have ripped into a friend over the immigration reference, and the same with his brother, who called you a gold digger! What an insult! As an American retired law enforcement office, that immigration dig angers me twofold: first that he would insult you, an obviously nice girl, and who was breaking no law, then secondly, the dig at Trump/American immigration policy, because any person who goes thru legal pathways to obtain a visa, may enter and move about freely, in the USA, unless they are on a terror watch list or committing a crimnal act! My friend, you have wasted too much love, time, and money, in this LDR! He and his brother and friends do not show respect for you or to you! You are too nice of a young lady, for this guy! Best wishes for you OP, and Feliz Navidad!
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (7 December 2019):
Short answer to a long question: walk away.
This is not a relationship. This is totally one-way: you spending vast amounts of your money, time and mental energy working on a relationship with a guy who hardly even comes to see you, has no interest in your life and even when you have made the long and difficult journey to see him, puts his friends first and allows his friends and family to treat you in the most disgusting way.
He doesn’t want a relationship. He wants to have a care-free life and a girlfriend he can call on when it suits him and there are no better offers. Why on earth would you move to a country far away, away from all your friends, family and everything you’ve worked for? Have you any idea how lonely you’ll be stuck in a foreign country where you don’t know anyone and the only people you have around you throw abuse at you and don’t care one bit about your wellbeing and happiness? I think he probably has no wish to live with you anyway.
Look, it doesn’t matter how many years you’ve fought and struggled to keep this relationship going. There is absolutely nothing good about it. There is absolutely nothing that makes your sacrifices worth it. And there is absolutely nothing to suggest this man will ever change or care about you the way you deserve. You’ve wasted enough time on him and the only advice I can give you is not to waste anymore. You deserve a million times better.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2019): The distance is a strain. Honeypie's right, you should spend Christmas with your own family. He's not as into your LDR as you are. Seems it means very little to him at all!
Reality will be the deciding factor. People insist on trying to conduct a romantic-relationship through digital-devices. They soon learn, that the reality is; you cannot exchange feelings and emotions through a screen, or by messaging. Debate me until the cows come home; a handful of people succeed, others strain to make it work. You can play the odds if you like. It's like winning the lottery!
If you were in an established committed-relationship, or married, and unforeseen events forced distance between you. You should do all you can to maintain and hold-on to your relationship. You should withstand the forces of nature, if you have to. You have the promise of coming together again. If you've met someone on the internet, living across the sea, or in another hemisphere; it's a matter of choice to put yourself through all this stress. Just look at the length of your post. You're in distress and anguish!
Women are twice as likely to relocate for the sake of a man. Men are very unlikely to pull-up roots for the sake of love. Don't believe me? Read DC!
My guess is he's dating, loves where he is, and moving to Mexico is not on his agenda! Comparing economies between Germany and Mexico; employment-opportunities for a young-man in his 20's wouldn't be very good. My youngest brother lived in Germany for 3 years, he loved it! We were afraid he wouldn't return home to the US! Although, they do have their problems like all countries. My uncle was a commander in the Air Force; and stationed in Germany for close to 20 years, on and off. He adopted two sons there. They returned when they grew-up. They travel back and forth with duel-citizenship. They all speak German, including my brother. Do you?
He ditched you. I'd take that to mean he has better things to do.
He seems happy to be your social media pen-pal; maybe you can visit him him now and then in Germany. He's happy with his life. If you decide to move to Germany, I believe you're going to be very very disappointed.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2019): You are not overreacting. He is a terrible partner and it doesn't really sound like he cares that much about spending time with you. It's like he wants you there when it suits him and he's happy for you to hang around and wait for when that time comes but he puts no effort into actually being with you.
You deserve so much better than this shoddy treatment. YOU ARE UNDER-REACTING by not kicking him to the kerb immediately.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 December 2019):
 Why not CANCEL the trip and spend Christmas with YOUR family instead?
He doesn't seem to prioritize you much at all, NOR does he value you.
And despite having dealt with this a few times (you two making plans and then he wants YOU to change YOUR plans to suit his NEW plans) you STILL ask him "how high?" when he says jump! You KEEP doing the SAME thing and expecting a different outcome, ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! He isn't going to change. Not only that but HE paints you as the one in the wrong EVERY time you don't comply. He talks SHIT about you to his friends and SHIT to your face when you tell him no (like with that work project) - now the immigration thing might have been a joke, but it was AT YOUR expense.
How invested is HE in you? And your life?
It seems like HE expect you to make ALL the sacrifices and him none. IS that really a good partner?
Let's say you DO move to Germany. Do you really think he will all of a sudden make more time for you? Or will you be sitting at home in Germany with no family or friends around?
A visit is VERY different than living together and if he can't even be BOTHERED to spend time with you on a short visit, do really think he would when you live there?
I think you have a LOT of thinking to do here. Whether or not there really IS a future here.
He seems WAY more invested in HIS life, his friend, HIS family - you are just and added bonus he can put on the shelf when it's CONVENIENT for him.
You sound like you have your stuff together, with a business and enough income to TRAVEL that often to see him, I think... no offense, that you can DO better than this guy.
...............................
|
