A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is there any way to really get over an ex? My ex fiancé and I were together for 7 years and have been split up 5 years and I’m still not over him and don’t think I ever will be. I’ve only seen him once during that time and haven’t really spoken to except when I have to (we have children) and my feelings for him haven’t lessened despite reassurances from everyone that time was all I needed. I’ve given it years and I’m still as in love with him as I always was and think about him every day. I’ve tried dating but always end up breaking it off fairly quickly because I just don’t feel anything close to what I do for my ex. I’m 26 and still feel the exact same way I did at 14. There’s no way of us ever getting back together. He came out as gay hence why we split up and I don’t think he ever actually loved me whilst we were together so definitely he’s not interested in getting back together. I’m worried I’m never going to find happiness with anyone else. It’s been over 10 years since I started loving him and I don’t think I’ll ever stop he was and is my true love. Any advice greatly appreciated, I can’t keep living like this. My heart is broken and I’ve never been the same person since we split up, people have called me cold and unfeeling because I’ve never let again get close to me, very rarely cry or show any emotion except to my kids, which is the opposite of how we were whilst together.
View related questions:
my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 November 2019):
 Don't "try", DO.
It's OK that your ex was your first real love, and that you will always love him, to a point. And it's OK to have him as part of your memories and your past.
Some people will affect us deeply for the rest of our lives, for good or bad, that is just reality.
But putting him up on some unattainable (for other guys) pedestal is doing YOU no favors.
Comparing HIM to any guy you met now, is unfair too. Unfair to the new guy and to you. Even in a way to your ex. Because as MUCH as you loved him 10 years ago and still love him, HE can't BE that "love of your life" FOR you. He LIVED a lie while with you. He CHOSE to have kids with you KNOWING he wasn't really seeing YOU as a life partner because he was/is primarily attracted to men, NOT women. You included.
I think the reason you haven't been open to date someone new is because you CHOOSE to keep yourself closed off and HOLD onto the "good times" with your ex. And if a new guy can't give you the EXACT same feelings as you THINK or RECALL having with your ex, you don't pursue it. Which tells me you REALLY don't GIVE them or yourself a chance to develop something real. NO ONE is going to make you feel like HE did. But that doesn't mean they CANNOT make you feel loved, happy and content. You are after all OLDER now, and probably want/need different things in a partner than you did at 14. (hopefully).
After all, you DO NOT want to date another man that comes out as gay, right?
So what you are looking for intellectually is NOT what you think you want. You want your ex or a "copy" or "version" of him. But not really.. that would ONLY break your heart, again.
While I get that he was and still is SPECIAL to you, you share kids and long-ish (7 years) relationship, I feel like this is now about you wanting what you can't have. It keeps you SAFE to pine after your ex, as you don't really TRY and engage and invest in a new person. I say that because I have been there myself. We didn't have kids together, but he holds a spot in my heart and always will. Even 25+ years later. I dated 3 other men after him, the first 2 were not a good fit and #3 (my husband of 20+ years) I really didn't want to invest in at first, we'd be LDR, he had been married before, was from a different country... etc. Just too many seemingly too hard complications. Yet, HE persevered, kept wanting to know me and be with me, even when I had doubts and well... it worked out for us.
Talking to someone, like a therapist might HELP you figure out why you are holding on so tightly to your ex that you are stuck on not moving forward.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (11 November 2019):
I really feel for you. This is such a horrible position to be in. I like how WiseOwlE puts it: “The heart is stubborn, it wants what it wants.” Sometimes our feelings don’t catch up with reality and it can feel like absolute torture.
The reason you turn others down is because you want to feel the same things for them, and if it doesn’t feel the same you tell yourself that it’s not right, and not good enough. I think that it requires a bit of self-mastery of your feelings to move on, and that’s not easy. We convince ourselves that if we feel things, they are real, but they are not. What you want is a version of this person that is a product of your mind’s imagination: all the good bits that would make him the perfect man. You think that locked away somewhere is that perfect man without all the bits that make him unattainable. Intellectually you know that’s not true, but emotionally you’re still stuck in the place you found yourself when you hoped and prayed that it was.
I think it will really help you to recognise that it’s absolutely okay if a new person doesn’t make you feel the same. You’re older now. You’ve had a previous relationship. You’ve got kids. What you need from a partner isn’t the same. I think we always feel a bit cooler next time around once we’ve had our heart smashed to pieces the first time, because we know that the butterflies and the magical feeling of the whole world revolving around this amazing person isn’t enough to sustain and make a relationship work.
So, here are some things for you to think about:
First, continue to keep your distance. Enjoy lots of time with family and friends. Pursue your interests, hobbies and goals. Distraction therapy is pretty helpful.
Second, realise that grief is about learning to live with reality, not getting over it. You don’t need to put yourself under pressure to stop caring about him or recalling what was with fondness, but you do need to stop letting an impossible future rule your life. As you go through this process there will be good days and bad days. This is about getting to a place where it doesn’t hurt anymore.
Third, give people a chance. Don’t ask yourself straight away if you feel as in love with him as you did/do for your ex. That’s why you’re breaking it off. I’ve seen people doing this over and over again and it requires discipline to persist when those old feelings start gnawing away at your soul and making you think you need to run away. Ask if they seem attractive. Ask if they seem to possess the qualities you admire in a person. Ask if they seem interested in you. Ask if they make you feel good. Ask if you can see yourself in time trusting them enough to open up about the hurt you have experienced in the past, and if you’d let them take care of you. The truth is, looking at your age, most of us by that time have clocked up some scars from the past. Most of us know that if we date someone, the chances are it won’t be the first time around for them. There will have been a broken heart, some unmet expectations and shattered dreams along the way. Someone who doesn’t have an ego will be able to deal with it and accept your past, let me assure you. Someone sensible will think about the future and be more interested in whether you are making each other happy now. That’s because whatever we go through, we do heal. We emerge different people, but we can find happiness again. So keep some objective questions in mind, so the idealised version of your ex isn’t the only yardstick by which to decide if someone might be right for you.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 November 2019):
 It took me two years to move on from my 3 year relationship. It was complicated because we were each other’s firsts, but he needed to explore his sexuality, and we’ve stayed friends since. Early this year, he started seeing another woman. He’s more attracted to guys, but he’s seeing a woman. I don’t know if they’ll last; we thought we would and you never really know. It hurt to lose him to exploring interest in men, only for him to end up with a woman instead of come back to me, but I’m not in love with him any more anyway. I love him as my friend and want the best for him, but that doesn’t mean certain things don’t sting because we thought we were soulmates.
Aside from the fact we don’t have children together, it’s similar for you. The addition of children just makes it harder and you could benefit from some counselling at this stage. You can’t be what he needs and he can’t be what you need. It’s time to truly accept that. Certain things may still sting for a while and that’s natural, but refusing to fall out of love through acceptance is unhealthy.
Your kids need you at your best. You don’t need a man any time soon. You’ve been a couple for a long time, so now it’s time to embrace being single. Find a good therapist and start to genuinely heal.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2019): Ive just split with my boyfriend of 3 years and im having the same problem I just cant get over him at all. theres a saying the length of time you were together will be the length of time it takes to let go and move on so ive got 3 years to go and you need another 2 years I hope you get through this it is so hard
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 November 2019):
 Our first "proper" relationship usually remains important to us because it is usually the first time we experience all sorts - love, lust, sex, a close connection. Yours is even more significant because you had children together and, whatever happened, he will always be their father. If I am reading your post correctly, he doesn't have much, if any, contact with his children, which is even sadder for them.
You are grieving not only the loss of a relationship but also the loss of who you believed your ex to be and of the dreams and plans you had together. Given that you have children, you probably had the rest of your lives planned out at one time. Sweetheart, he is NOT the love of your life. He is GAY. He tried to make it work with you but, in the end, he had to be himself. You can idolize him all your want but nothing will change. At some point you have to come to terms with the fact that you two are never going to be a couple. That does not mean you cannot continue to love him, especially as he is the father of your children, but you should not be "in love" with him. I wonder if you are using this in an attempt to prevent anyone else hurting you? Saying you are "in love" with your ex gives you the excuse you need not to move on.
Perhaps, for the time being, you need to concentrate on your children and on yourself. Give yourself a break from trying to date. You do not NEED a man in your life.
I have to wonder also - and apologies if I have this wrong - given the obsessive feelings you still have for your ex, whether it was you who drove the relationship forward with him, whether it was you who opted to have children with him (he also had a choice of course but, as we know, the ultimate control over this usually lies with the female), whether you chose to ignore red flags in your relationship believing that, because YOU were "in love", things would work out? If so, then you need to seriously address that side of your personality before having any other relationships.
I feel for you, I really do. I hope you can eventually move on with your life. Your ex should not define your whole life. You are a mother, first and foremost. Perhaps concentrating on that aspect of your life would be best for the time being?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2019): You refuse to let go, because pining for him has been an old friend. Your children serve as as constant reminder; but sometimes the heart is stubborn, and it wants what it wants. There are some people who get stuck when things don't go as they plan them, or don't meet their expectations. They essentially become frozen in-time, in the very place where things went wrong. You can't become the captain's widow in the tower. You're far too young for that, sweetheart!
It really isn't that you can't get-over him, you don't want to! Bitterness and frustration plague your mind; because you can't accept that you've invested all your feelings and emotions; and to let-go would be admitting his love wasn't real. He's now an obsession; and maybe it's time for some professional-counseling. It's affecting you socially, turned into grief, and you can't move forward. You've shut-down, and tuned-out!
I know a thing or two about shutting-down. When my partner died of cancer, I became a loner. I remained celibate for well over a year, maybe two. I surrendered to grief. I turned down dates, and just refused to allow anyone to get close to me in the romantic-sense. I even got offended when people did their best to charm and win me over. I started to realize it was unhealthy. Why was I doing this?
All the while, my older-sister kept reminding me to let-go and let people in. Loneliness crept-up on me; and I started to realize I needed to move forward. So do you, sweetheart!
He's gay, and he has decided to live according to his sexual-orientation, and his truth. You both share kids, and only that aspect of your lives. The history you share, must now become fond memories. Unfortunately, that's how it goes. If it was about another woman; you'd feel you'd be equipped to compete, but not this! I know you feel totally betrayed. Punishing yourself by refusing to accept the reality.
You deserve a good-life, love, and happiness. Get some help, my dear. If it wasn't for my sister, I wouldn't have moved-on to eventually find my present love. Oh, heartbreak came somewhere in-between back then; and where I am now. I got dumped, and ended up here at DC! Venting my feelings and sharing my story! I've recovered, and now I help people like you!
It may not happen overnight, you simply haven't met anyone to unlock that part of your heart. Refusing to allow it to happen after all this time; that's an indication you need to seek counseling.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2019): I think it's ok to love someone forever. But to be 'in love' wiht someone 5 years after a break up indicates to me that this isn't really all about him, but maybe about some other issues you have with letting go, attaachment, and relationships. I see you're in the UK so I recommend going to Relate for counselling. They don't just see couples! They see people who have any kind of relationship issues.
...............................
|
