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*o nonsense Aidan

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Latest articles:

I'm a thoroughly modern brand of old-fashioned

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12 August 2016: I was particularly amused by a recent comment about my views. I was described as living in “the 1950s,” which I found highly amusing. But when I’d had my chuckle, I got to thinking: what would it be like to be stuck in the 50s? How does the ...

I hate cheating, but not as much as a failure to forgive

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23 August 2015: IT’s been the story that hasn’t gone away all week. Ashley Madison sent journalists in to a spin trying to access the 9.7 gb of data leaked on to the internet, trying to find any public figures who may be embroiled in the scandal. Suspicious spouses ...

Childless by choice: please stop judging us

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6 July 2015: This morning, as usual, I was perusing the questions on Dearcupid, when I stumbled across a question from a woman regarding her feelings about not wanting a child. Although I gave a comprehensive answer to the question, it touched a nerve with me, ...

On-line dating: my honest look

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12 January 2014: On-line dating: my honest look Those who read my column with any regularity will know there is considerable absence of references to my personal life. I am, for the most part, keen to concentrate on advising because, good advice is good no matte...

Revenge is sweet: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that.

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9 March 2013: REVENGE IS SWEET: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that. Revenge, they say, is sweet. Well British people have, if they have been following the news, witnessed a very public case in point to prove that the reverse can ...

Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies

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6 January 2013: Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies You may or may not know that in Ireland, the date of 6 January is known as Women’s Christmas (Nollaig na mBan). On this day, the tradition (still strong in parts of the country) is that men take responsibil...

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My ex is a jealous, negative-minded selfish idiot in the relationship area, should I take him back?

Q.   I have a tricky situation that will probably receive mixed reactions based on whether you're a dog-lover or not. Basically - I broke up with my partner a few months back. We fought at first but eventually learnt to be civil. We don't have any k...

A.   11 November 2019: Even staying together for the sake of children rarely makes an unhappy, miserable relationship any better and often makes it worse. You can’t get back with this guy for the sake of the dog, however much you will be heartbroken to go your separate ... (read in full...)

Don't like to see the signs of the girls he's been with in the past

Q.   In love with my boyfriend of a year sex and love life is great but I feel like I can’t fully give my self to him he has so many back scars scratches from another or other females in the past I hate seeing him in the light with no shirt seeing other ...

A.   5 November 2019: This is a bit hypocritical unless you had never been intimate with another person before him. It’s something you’re going to have to get over or move on. Is this really about the marks? Find someone who went with girls that didn’t mark him like... (read in full...)

Would you be scared to email someone you treated badly?

Q.   if you knew that you had treated someone very badly and they left you and changed their phone number, and they lived in a different country from you and so you asked a mutual friend to contact them by email and they more or less ignored that mutual ...

A.   5 November 2019: I wouldn’t be scared to send the email, but I would take the hint and not do it. They have ignored your mutual friend, so this person doesn’t want to hear from you. They have moved on. If you treated them badly, what else can you expect? Why do you ... (read in full...)

Married and living with my parents. Should I have to tell them where I am? My husband knows

Q.   My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 3 year old. We used to live at my husband's home for the past couples of years and recently moved to an apartment that my dad built for me behind their home since my father did not like ...

A.   5 November 2019: I’m sorry but you and your husband chose to move to this apartment that your father built. It does sound to me like the pair of you are being a bit oversensitive. Your dad simply asked a question about your son’s routine because he was concerned ... (read in full...)

Trapped in a difficult marriage. Can I help her? Should I leave?

Q.   I have been married for 24 years now. I met my wife in college and she is my very first girlfriend. I went on a few dates with other women before we committed to each other, but nothing even as serious as a good night kiss resulted from them. I ...

A.   5 November 2019: I’m sorry but I’ve rarely read a post from anyone who sounds so utterly miserable, and who can blame you? If what you say is true, it sounds like only one of you has been putting any work into this marriage for a very long time. She isn’t help... (read in full...)

Is this guy too good to be true am I heading for disaster

Q.   So I’ve been talking to this guy I traded numbers with on a dating site, his straight, but curious to try and says love is love and that he is really attracted to me, and that let’s just go with the flow. he is keen to meet but I keep delaying it. ...

A.   5 November 2019: I fully agree with the answer you have received from Youcannotbeserious. As I read your post, I kept thinking that you’re not listening to anything except the bits you want to hear. You’re noting the similarities in personality. You’re noting the ... (read in full...)

I found my soul mate and its not my husband

Q.   I'm am recently married and very happily married, there are no problems, I have a lot of live for him and he's my best friend. However I have found my soul mate in a friend, and I never believed in soulmates before but our similarities and pasts are ...

A.   5 November 2019: Why can’t you tell your husband about this man? Men and women can enjoy platonic friendships together. Most of my friends are women. We see each other alone, I’ve been to some of their houses and I’ve met many of their partners or husbands. IF I had ... (read in full...)

I took my boyfriend back and he hurt me physically

Q.   So here I am. I took him back after dumping him for emotional abuse. This time he told me that things were going to change. A week later he was back to his same verbal abuse. This time tho I stood up to him. His five year old daughter was screaming ...

A.   30 October 2019: He’s an abusive bully. He told you things would change because he knew that you’d come back to him. He probably thinks that you will come back over and over again, because that what people in abusive relationships do. The pattern is so familiar: the ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend gets nasty when I don't do what he wants!

Q.   My boyfriend gets nasty and angry if I don't spend the night staying over with him every weekend and refuses to come over to see me and take me out for the day because I wont do what he wants which is stayover and have sex all night and day. the ...

A.   30 October 2019: It’s quite obvious from the way you have written this that you know that this man is just using you for sex. Why are you allowing this to happen? Why are you letting yourself be treated like that? Has he already chipped away at your self-esteem so ... (read in full...)

I broke up with my girlfriend now regretting it but I know if we got back together nothing would change

Q.   So I broke up with my girlfriend two days ago. At first I was fine, I felt like it was a long time coming, but now I feel myself questioning my decision and regret setting in. We had been together 8 years and she was also my best friend. Tho...

A.   17 October 2019: These feelings are part of the process of adjusting. Breaking up isn’t like flicking off a switch even if you know in your heart of hearts that it’s what needs to happen. You had hopes, expectations and plans that centred on being in this ... (read in full...)

His expectations have me confused and wondering about him! Any advice appreciated!

Q.   Hello and thanks So my man has been confusing me a lot. We visit each other 3 times per year we in a LDR for approximately 3 years. I love him but I see many different shades to him. He’s impatient, demanding and has a temper. He also expects ...

A.   17 October 2019: Any advice? What the hell are you doing with this guy? Long-distance relationships are hard. Communication, kindness, generosity, trust and understanding are key to any relationship, but even more when you can’t see each other and enjoy being toge... (read in full...)

Why am I so anxious about dating my g/f. I'm starting to think I have a commitment phobia

Q.   Last night I asked a girl that I like very much and have very strong feelings for to be my girlfriend. In spanish we have a great interim between liking and loving called "te quiero mucho". That's where we are right now. We've been seeing each...

A.   17 October 2019: Anxiety is normal. This is new for you. You’ve made a significant commitment to someone and you take it very seriously. You see other people entering new relationships and they look like the happiest people on earth, wondering around with huge ... (read in full...)

Should I ask my brother in law why he refuses to go on vacations with our family?

Q.   My brother-in-law, Sean, is extremely close to his nieces and nephew (his brother and I are the parents of his oldest niece and nephew). He takes them to all the fun places (the Aquarium, the zoo, Chuck E Cheese, different parks, the movie theater, ...

A.   17 October 2019: Whilst I agree with the general sentiment of previous answers, I think you deserve some credit here too for wanting to make your brother-in-law welcome and a part of your holidays. In all likelihood, however, if you try to ask him why he refuses it ... (read in full...)

Is feeling desired by your partner a valid need?

Q.   Is feeling desired by ones partner not a valid needs . I posted a question here about whether it was reasonable to expect to feel desired by my partner . I mentioned my age ( 50) and that he seemed to have an interest In porn with much younger women ...

A.   27 August 2019: At the heart of this is the question of what you understand by validation. Validation doesn’t just mean feeling acceptable: to say that a woman is validated by her partner’s desire for her isn’t necessarily saying that she should only feel good... (read in full...)

Why doesn't anyone care?

Q.   Is it me or everyone else? I can’t take it anymore, nobody cares at all. I feel let down by my friends. I am 100% sure nobody cares. I am not being negative, I am not in some bad time in life. But every event that happens it causes me stress when I ...

A.   27 August 2019: It sounds like you’ve probably got the wrong friends. People aren’t going to care about you just because you behave in a caring way towards them. I’m not going to care how you are just because you are nice and offer me a shoulder to cry on about my ... (read in full...)

Can a relationship develop with a girl from a different country I’ve only met once?

Q.   Hi all. I was at my friend’s wedding last weekend here in the Uk and I met one of his friend’s at a house party after. She was from the States and we must have spent about 4 hours talking. In my mind we got on really well and she has been on my mind ...

A.   26 August 2019: It’s way too soon to be thinking about relationships. The first thing you need to do is find out whether there is actually a mutual desire for conversation and to get to know each other. Is she easy to talk to? Are you interested in each other’s ... (read in full...)

I feel insecure about the wait in our long distance relationship

Q.   hello, me and my girlfriend are in an Long distance relationship and talk online. her parents make her study and have taken all form of communication to me away from her and she can barley say 1 word to me per day. she said itd be over in around 10 ...

A.   26 August 2019: It’s hard to imagine her finding someone new if her ability to communicate with the outside world is this restricted by her parents. How old is this girl by the way? Why is she putting up with this from her parents? I’m sorry to sound hard but... (read in full...)

Should I pursue a formal, legal route over what happened to me when I was younger?

Q.   I need help please, about something that has confused me for 36 years and which I am only now able to speak about. When I was 15 I agreed to have sex with an 18 year old male. This has, one way or another, plagued me all my life. I am now...

A.   26 August 2019: I am in no way justifying his behaviour when I say this, but I don’t think you should look to pursue this at a formal level now. Just because he was 18, it doesn’t mean he was mature. It doesn’t mean he was old enough and experienced enough t... (read in full...)

Will he come back to me again after taking space?

Q.   I met a wonderful guy a few months ago and we hit it off immediately. He told me that I was everything he ever wanted in a relationship and I felt the same. He has a young son (3) with his ex girlfriend and I was introduced to him a couple weeks ago ...

A.   17 August 2019: I have to say that I agree fully with Youcannotbeserious’s belief that he will keep coming back and dropping you over and over. I also agree with the other responses that it was way too soon to have introduced you to his son. This guy has got a lo... (read in full...)

I think my parents are treating me unfairly for shoplifting

Q.   do you think I desrve to be punished this severely for shoplifting ? 3 days ago I got caught shoplifting,as the shopkeeper knows my mum he called her instead of the police he told her he expected me to be punished, my mum promished the shopkeeper I ...

A.   17 August 2019: You’re supposed to feel miserable. That’s why it’s a punishment. It’s also supposed to give you time to reflect on your actions. Shoplifting is not a victimless crime. When you steal, you are not just stealing an item you want. You are stealing... (read in full...)

Does it sound like I disrespected him or is he overreacting a little bit?

Q.   So my husband and I live here in England, but his family still live in Ireland so he goes over there a few times a year. Sometimes I go with him depending on if I can get time off work or not. He’s planning to go over in November but I won’t be ...

A.   14 August 2019: His reaction is ridiculous. There was no disrespect here. You were supporting his wish to spend whatever time he wants to with his family. What could possibly be wrong with that? If he’s saying that he is fed up with your relationship, the issu... (read in full...)

How do you get over a secret broken heart? How do I fall out of love with someone I don't want to, and still see all the time?

Q.   I fell in love with someone from work and now iv got my heart broken and i dont know how to deal with this. There is no way to tell this story that paints me in a good light, and im aware of that, and i guess whats happened to me is Karma for bein...

A.   14 August 2019: First, you don’t deserve to hate yourself. You made a mistake at a bad time in your life when you are feeling low. You won’t be the first and you most certainly won’t be the last. Some self-forgiveness is where you need to start. The truth is... (read in full...)

My boyfriend treats me like glass since I'm a virgin

Q.   Hi y’all. I’ve taken some of your advice to put myself out there and date and get to know a guy. He’s actually a classmate of mine and my friends set us up. We’ve been dating for for a while but he treats me differently. The conversation of sex c...

A.   6 June 2019: N91 is right, this needs a conversation. Those of us who remain virgins later in life than our peers tend to accept it as just one of those things and get on with life. To others, though, they assume that if we have missed out on something they’ve ... (read in full...)

How often do exes get back together for their child?

Q.   I recently started seeing a guy with a young son. I really like him and I think he feels the same. I've never been with a single father before but it doesn't bother me, I'm sure I'll love his kid. We are taking it slow (for obvious reasons) but ...

A.   6 June 2019: It’s hard to know how often people get back together for the sake of children. I’m sure it does happen, but it’s not a good idea. Splitting up is much harder when children are involved, so it’s likely that responsible and sensible people who decide ... (read in full...)

Should I be suspicious that my LDR girlfriend hasn't told anyone about us?

Q.   I've officially been with my LDR girlfriend for six months now, I'm in the UK and she's in the US. I've been open about our relationship from the beginning but my girlfriend on the other hand hasn't told anyone, other than one of her friends. At ...

A.   15 May 2019: If you haven’t brought it up, you should at least ask her about this and use this conversation as the reason to explain why you’ve started thinking about it. I think N91 has given you a pretty decent picture of the difficulties and challeng... (read in full...)

How do I deal with an old, terminally ill dog who's pooping all around the house?

Q.   Sorry if this is not the typical question for this site but I need advice. I have an 11 year old dog. I have had him since 8 weeks old. Recently he's been falling over a lot on walks and not picking his feet up properly so his nails would bleed. ...

A.   15 May 2019: You are already wondering if your beloved dog has any quality of life. From what you say, it sounds highly doubtful that he does. If you’re suffering by constantly having to clean up, get up in the night and deal with all the anguish of his ... (read in full...)

I was sent nasty emails, how do I cope ?

Q.   MOD NOTE: There are no "experts" just nice people that volunteer their thoughts and help. I have a question I would rather discuss privately. I have received two very nasty emails from people I once knew. I have sought solicitors advice and I'm ...

A.   3 December 2018: Here’s the thing: if someone has set out to hurt you, reacting will only show them that they’ve succeeded. They’ll probably be delighted. Your friends are right. The right thing to do is often not the easy one. If it’s just nasty messages and you ... (read in full...)

I haven't seen my girlfriend in 3 months

Q.   We haven’t seen eachother in 3 months. She’s busy redoing her second year of nursing. Anyway, last week she booked our flights to Spain in January, which is something I’m really excited about, but I just miss her so, so much. I feel fine mos...

A.   3 December 2018: Are you sure she knows how you feel? Even if she’s busy, you can text or call each other from time to time. You can find quick and simple ways to show each other that you’re thinking of each other. I actually think both of you are holding back a b... (read in full...)

Should I ask her out or wait until the divorce is final?

Q.   I am very interested in asking out a woman with whom I have developed a nice freindship, including some flirting. The difficulty is that she recently filed for divorce. Some people say I should wait until it is final...others say go for it. I would ...

A.   3 December 2018: I don’t think it matters so much whether the divorce is finalised or not. When it all goes through, things haven’t magically changed overnight. The couple have already been separated a long time when the final parts of the process are done. They ... (read in full...)

Are other people’s contractors like this?

Q.   Hi I am in my early 40s and recently been having some work done on my house. Had a very helpful guy doing the job and while the work has been done we were messaging each other in the evenings just generally. He mentioned that he 'would always be...

A.   25 November 2018: Not really. Hard to tell if this is friendly or flirtatious but it’s certainly going above and beyond the call of duty. The question is what you want to do about it. If you’d rather not take this further, ease up on the contact when the work is done ... (read in full...)

Did I just get used for sex?

Q.   So I've known this guy for a while and last week our texts turned sexual and he said do I want to meet with him. So we met we were kissing, we held hands we had a good time. Then he asked if I wanted to have sex with him I said I couldn't because I ...

A.   19 August 2018: It’s hard to know either, but you need to back off now and if he’s not using you he’ll get in touch. Probably best to write him off until you get any real proof that you were wrong to do so. I think you probably weren’t, because he could have said ... (read in full...)

I think this 15 yo boy will probably want sex!

Q.   i am a 13 year old . this guy is very cute and i like him a lot . and he asked me if i wanted to have sex with him and i told him “ rpprobably not maybe i’ll succ you tho “ and yeah he is 15 and is not a virgin and i’m 13 and i am . ughhh idk what ...

A.   19 August 2018: YouWish has given you great advice. Honestly, when you get older and wiser you’ll learn that this is no way to treat a girl. Why would you want your first experience of sex to be one where you felt unprepared, not ready and not comfortable? Don’t ... (read in full...)

What should I do about this married, flirting floozy?

Q.   I have a friend and shes always says she love me. Shes married to She once said I love you more then you know what is she trying to say to me. She flurts with me to. I dont know what to do....

A.   19 August 2018: Here’s what you do: do not flirt back and try not to be around her unless it’s necessary. Keep some distance, and if she goes too far tell her you’re not interested. Don’t say the L-word back. Perhaps she is flirty and open with her feelings by ... (read in full...)

I feel very betrayed and hurt.

Q.   Hello, So I’m writing this because me and my boyfriend a we’re having trouble and he broke up with me. However, he said he would give me a chance to work on things and see whether we would get back together or not. I thought we were working on ...

A.   19 August 2018: At the start of your post, you said that your boyfriend said that he would give you a chance to work on things. This is what concerns me, because it sounds like both of you have to put in some work if this relationship is going to survive. Why is it ... (read in full...)

Do I tell my parents that my friend is dating a man 30 years her senior?

Q.   my friend is in a relationship with a man 30 years old then her , ive known him for nearly a year no and I know age is just a number but I still find it so strange but I have accepted that is she is happy being with someone a lot older then her then ...

A.   27 July 2018: Your parents may have an opinion on the situation but frankly it is none of their business, as it is none of yours, or mine, or anyone else’s. I would say that if he is coming to their home they have a right to ask who is coming in to their house, ... (read in full...)

Is it normal to feel really close to someone when you hold their hand?

Q.   Is it a normal to feel really close to someone when holding there hand ? it was the first time that I held anyone's hand and it made me feel so special and wanted by someone especially because it was like a first date and I was getting to know him ...

A.   27 July 2018: IT’s totally normal. It’s a gesture of closeness and intimacy. IT can be between friends, but when it’s someone to whom you’re attracted it’s even more enhanced by the flood of chemicals that make you want to be close to that person all the time. ... (read in full...)

Why does my boyfriend watch porn before having sex with me?

Q.   Why does my boyfriend watch porn before having sex with me? He gave me a vague response, it was "I just like to be hard already so we can have sex." Then i explained how that could be interpreted wrong, if he didn't try to explain it to me. He then ...

A.   27 July 2018: My guess would be that he has viewed porn for a long time and it has helped shape his perceptions of sex, what constitutes good sex and what pleases a woman. IT sounds like his idea of good sex is to go in, fully prepared, and get straight down to ... (read in full...)

Can a married man truly love you or is it just lust?

Q.   I have a boyfried but I met a married man in my company and we are quite close. Very soon after this married man knows me, he told me he have feelings for me. Like he just realize I am his true love, the one he wants to protect and pamper with his ...

A.   27 July 2018: Yes, you do know what to do. You just find the idea of doing it difficult. It’s not appropriate for him to show this level of interest in you, not whilst he is still married to his wife. Whether he is looking to exit his marriage or not (and I very ... (read in full...)

I feel the need to have a child but I want it to be my lover's not my husband's

Q.   DO NOT JUDGE I am female, 34 years..i am married to a man-boy kinda of husband (45 years) who has no clue how to raise children..we have two..one mine and the first one is his...his past time is drinking....but he come through with finances......

A.   27 July 2018: You ask not to be judged, fine. But I have to tell you that you are being ridiculous. This younger man is having an affair with you. Have you even asked if he wants to have a child with you? You say that it’s easy for men to have kids with other ... (read in full...)

Can I call her my close friend if she forgot I had skin cancer?

Q.   I was diagnosed with a cancerous mole a few months ago and had it removed. It was a simple procedure and I am very glad I caught it early, therefore I wasn't too shaken up by it. I had only told a few of my close friends that I had skin cancer. ...

A.   23 July 2018: It sounds like she’s quite self-absorbed. It isn’t necessarily that she doesn’t feel close to you, it’s that she’s got quite a self-centred view of the world where the things that register most are the things that affect her and her life. I also ... (read in full...)

Sex feels like a chore.

Q.   Hello, I met my boyfriend almost 4 years ago, and we have been together for about a year and a half. We used to have a great sex life, really experimental and open to trying new things. I've hit a rut where we don't have sex as much any more an...

A.   2 March 2018: I suspect the stress and anxiety you are suffering because of your uncertainties about the relationship are a good part of the problem when it comes to your sex life. Are you really focussing on how to improve it and trying to think through what you ... (read in full...)

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