A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was in a long-distance relationship for a year. I found out he had 4 other long term girlfriends. The whole process was very traumatic. I trusted him as years ago we were together for over 2 years. He was my first boyfriend.During this long-distance period, he gave me chlamydia and tried to convince me it came from me. Even when I had proof it wasn’t I don’t sleep with many people, so this hit me hard. I forgave him believing he was faithful and it was lying dormant in him. I had a deep conversation with one of his other girlfriends who HE LIVED WITH!! and saw how he played us. It was crazy the extremes he went to to keep us girls from knowing about eachother. How he rotated his weekends, scheduled in arguments to clear the girls from his apartment and even hid the girls personal items (couple photos on the walls, clothes, toiletries etc) and said he was “just friends” with the girls names that popped up on his phone. Making us believe we’re paranoid and crazy. Traumatic. Over a year has gone by, I’ve been with my current boyfriend (age 26) for a year, he’s so sweet, loyal, and does anything to help calm my anxieties. I’ve been going to therapy for over a year now too to help me, but I feel like I can’t get fixed no matter how hard I try. I find myself being so uptight and I get paranoid and so insecure. It gets so bad that I get severe anxiety from him going to the gym or watching movies with attractive women in case he see’s or finds another woman attractive!! Even I think this is crazy but I can’t help how I feel, I get so nervous it hurts. I communicate with him, he’s understanding and comforting but he gets so frustrated that he can’t help me feel more secure. It’s starting to cause a strain on us. I know only I can fix my mental health but it’s hard, I really need help. Any advice on how to deal with my insecurities??
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reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (22 March 2020):
You were deceived because your ex was good at deception. It wasn’t your fault, and it says nothing about you and everything about him.
If you are still struggling after so much therapy, I do wonder if it is therapy that you need. What is the purpose of this therapy? It may be useful for your anxiety, but it isn’t going to solve this specific issue. You can talk to the death about your feelings, but I think you now need to be very practical and realise that you can master them by facing them. We can’t choose how we feel but we can choose what we do about it and our choices can start to govern our feelings rather than the other way around.
What do I mean? You say that your current boyfriend gets frustrated trying to reassure you, and that’s understandable. But your fears are entirely a product of your own imagination – judging one person not based on what your eyes see and ears here, but on the behaviour of someone else. How can he possibly talk you out of that? I think you’ve become reliant on that reassurance not to feel good but just about okay enough to let him go out and do his own thing without becoming that girlfriend that is so smothering and paranoid that she destroys the relationship. But don’t you deserve better than feeling like you’ve just about got a lid on your anxiety?
I think you need to tell him not to indulge your need for reassurance so much. Yes, I’m saying that you won’t build up genuine trust that doesn’t need constant propping up unless you face the worst. Allow him to tell you it’s in your head and the past is the past, rather than be comforting. Let him do the things he’s going to do and live with the fear. Every time you can do this it will get that little bit easier until you realise that you’ve learned to base your responses and choices on current reality, not an unpleasant person who belongs in the past. The more “there there!” This boyfriend is, the less it will actually help you I’m afraid.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 March 2020):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
You need to stop beating yourself up for having chosen a guy who was not worthy, who cheated, lied and gave you a STD (which I hope you have been treated for?)
I have been in your shoes, my last BF before I met my husband, was over the course of the relationship rekindling with 2 exes, 2 other women that I found out about and while I wasn't as deeply invested as I thought I was, I felt I should have known, I should have seen it... etc. etc. You know the drill.
The thing is there were clues, red flags that I noticed but put aside because he did have an explanation for everything that sounded plausible. I don't think I'm a naive or stupid person to have believed him, but I FELT like a total idiot afterwards when it all came out. I didn't date for a LONG time after that.
The thing I also learned is that I was not RESPONSIBLE for his actions. Had I known sooner I would have dumped his sorry ass.
The mistake I made was NOT the trust I gave him, but the choice in partner. Something We all want to believe we are good at, picking a good one. That time, I didn't.
Neither did you.
What you DO need to accept is that YOU made a mistake in dating your slimy ex. It happens. We are ALL fooled occasionally by people we think are nice, when they are not.
And you ALSO need to accept that your new beau IS NOT your ex. IT IS absolutely unfair of you to hold him responsible for what your ex did.
Don't isolate yourself.
Don't make your new beau your at home therapist.
Journal. Write it down. Face your fears. For me that was the biggest help of all. Just putting everything on paper and then reading it.
Exercise. I know it sounds cliche, but a healthy body can help get your head on straight. I found adding Yoga worked really well for me. Learning to empty your mind and just be, is so freeing.
Also stay away from alcohol. Alcohol makes anxiety and depression worse. So no, "self medication".
Don't presume that you are "un-fixable". While you can't go back in time and correct what happened you can CHOOSE to NOT let this define you, and you can CHOOSE to forgive yourself for whatever it is, YOU think YOU did wrong.
LEARN from this. It was a hard-knock lesson and if you are smart, ONE you won't repeat.
And lastly, If you think by controlling and keeping tabs on your BF you can somehow NEVER get hurt again, you are mistaken. It's a sure way to eventually push him away. He can only be "so understanding". And no one wants to be punished for what someone else did. It's reasonable to NOT presume HE will do you bad like your ex. It's reasonable to presume that HE is an entirely different person and that He deserves to be treated like a person you want to invest in. And not like a would be "criminal" who at any time might do something bad.
If you don't feel you are making progress with your therapist, either change therapist or bring it up with her/him. So you can try another approach. The thing with therapy is that some people presume that the therapist with magically "fix" you. They can't. They CAN, however, give you the tools to "fix" yourself.
You can do this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2020): Healing will come when you stop punishing yourself for making a mistake in the process of loving someone. Well, at least you thought you did!
We can't read minds or tell the future; so we are equipped with a capacity to trust. We build our hopes with optimism, and great expectations. Then we temper our hopes and dreams with commonsense and logic. As teenagers, relationships are not real; they are trial-runs. Experiments! Learning about our feelings, becoming aware of our sexual-orientation, and we are introduced to urges we didn't have as younger-children. We discover the power of hormones! We learn to direct or focus our affections and fondness towards a particular individual. Sometimes our attraction gets pulled in the wrong directions. Towards a teacher, a coach, our older-sister's boyfriend, a cousin; or the handsome-boy or pretty-girl obliviously scooping our ice-cream cone. As the mind matures, and we develop psychologically; we base our feelings more on reality and fact, less on fantasy. Crushes persist; but we learn who we can or cannot have. We learn to suppress our yearnings when they get out-of-hand. That is, if we are maturing properly, and avoid being impulsive! Self-control and impulse-control have become the downfall of Gen-X and millennials. You refuse to exercise and engage it! Your desires exceed and overrule your senses of reason and prudence!
Nobody's perfect. We all come with our own unique set of quirks, flaws, faults, and weaknesses; so you can't expect perfection in yourself, or any other human-being. You must keep all things in their proper perspective.
Love makes us sappy. We'll see everything through rose-colored glasses; and we only want to see the best in the people we think we love. Foolishness creeps-in; and you start rejecting obvious caveats and dismissing warning-signs. Covetousness and entitlement makes us want someone so badly; that we insist on being with them, even when they repeatedly hurt or betray us. We defy reason, and shun our commonsense. "BUT I LOVE HIM!" That's the common declaration that repels sound-advice; and sends you crashing head-first into a brick-wall! Nobody can tell you nothing!
It's when truth and reality clobbers us over the head that suddenly all the regret and remorse hits us. That's when we're finally "woke!" The scales fall-off our eyes. Sunlight is now glaring-in!
As an adult, abandon all notions of fairy-tale romances. Avoid adopting Hollywood-versions or romance novel depictions of romantic-relationships, or marriage; and keep a level-head at all times. When you try to make reality out of fantasy; you're being delusional. You are setting yourself up for complete failure; because you want things to be what you imagine they should be, rather than what they really are. You can't fault others when you see what you want to see!
Now about that hideous long-distance ex-boyfriend. One of the things I myself learned over the passage of time, and with experience; is that you can invest too much, and rely far too heavily on a romantic-relationship. It becomes your everything, or almost an obsession! Nearly rivaling worship! Only God Himself is worthy of our worship. Only He is perfect, flawless, and eternally-faithful. Jealous too! He hates when we love anything or anyone more than we love Him! He gave us the person we want to love! Sometimes, it's just a 30-day free-trial. You return them to be replaced, or for a refund of your feelings. He'll gladly refund your feelings, He aims to please!
Placing human-beings upon pedestals, showering them with adoration, and giving our undying and deepest love as sacrificial-offerings sometimes gets directed at the wrong person. You shouldn't make anyone the very center of your universe; because you will overlook red-flags, believe anything they say (even when you know they're lying); and you will endlessly forgive them, while they feel no remorse. That's not forgiveness; it's an undeserved-reprieve to bribe them into staying, and remaining our prized-possession. Shoving what they've done under the rug. No matter how destructive and cruel they are, and have been. When they peg you as a fool, the sky's the limit! They will manipulate you like silly putty! (Google silly putty!)
Now here comes the advice you will find the hardest to swallow. In spite of all he has done, you must forgive him. Detach from his memory. You can't reverse time. Your anger and self-deprecation is empowering him over your feelings, and your very destiny. He has been given the power to suspend you in time; and hold you a hostage in the past. Dismiss him as nothing more than a mistake, a lesson learned, and reclaim your freedom to move on. Stop being a drama queen! YES...you are fixable! If you like wallowing in drama and self-pity; you'll delay your recovery. You'll keep surrendering to defeat, and making Mr. Chlamydia the master of your fate. He even has an evil-curse over your new relationship. Thanks to your pessimism! Meanwhile, he has no clue what's going-on with you. He is living his life, and has forgotten all about you! He's too busy spreading pestilence and sorrow!
Here's more. I have to give you a strong dose of tough-love to penetrate your hard-skull.
If your boyfriend had written DC to request advice of what to do; when in frustration, he does everything he can to deal with your anxiety and insecurity. I would tell him to dump you! You aren't ready to deal with another relationship; until you've dealt with the previous one you've insisted on clinging to! Until it made you a hot-mess!!! Why is he suffering for it? He gives you love and affection, loyalty, and support. He tries to comfort you. In return, he gets your endless bouts of anxiety, grief over an ex who's long-gone; and a never-ending performance from the queen of drama! He does not deserve that for his time, and the affection he gives you. You don't deserve letting the past dictate your future! You've given all your power to your nasty-ass ex-boyfriend!!!
If you keep declaring and affirming yourself as "unfixable" and hopeless; through self-fulfilling prophecy that is what you are. Why should he waste his love and let you break his heart? If you believe yourself irreparable; then you will render all your therapy useless, you will lose your boyfriend, and you will succeed only at proving yourself to be unfixable. It isn't true, but once you convince yourself; nobody, including your boyfriend or therapist, can convince you otherwise. Your ex wins, and you lose!!!
Start making positive-affirmations that you can beat this. Your ex doesn't own you! He was a mistake, and you've corrected that mistake with a great-guy who loves you! It is not his job to fix you, it's your job to believe you can be fixed! "Everything will improve from this day forward! I will never be perfect, no one is perfect; but I will be a work in-progress, and I will improve! I deserve to be loved!"
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