| Latest articles: I'm a thoroughly modern brand of old-fashioned
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12 August 2016: I was particularly amused by a recent comment about my views. I was described as living in “the 1950s,” which I found highly amusing. But when I’d had my chuckle, I got to thinking: what would it be like to be stuck in the 50s? How does the ...
I hate cheating, but not as much as a failure to forgive
This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
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23 August 2015: IT’s been the story that hasn’t gone away all week. Ashley Madison sent journalists in to a spin trying to access the 9.7 gb of data leaked on to the internet, trying to find any public figures who may be embroiled in the scandal. Suspicious spouses ...
Childless by choice: please stop judging us
This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
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6 July 2015: This morning, as usual, I was perusing the questions on Dearcupid, when I stumbled across a question from a woman regarding her feelings about not wanting a child. Although I gave a comprehensive answer to the question, it touched a nerve with me, ...
On-line dating: my honest look
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12 January 2014: On-line dating: my honest look Those who read my column with any regularity will know there is considerable absence of references to my personal life. I am, for the most part, keen to concentrate on advising because, good advice is good no matte...
Revenge is sweet: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that.
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9 March 2013: REVENGE IS SWEET: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that. Revenge, they say, is sweet. Well British people have, if they have been following the news, witnessed a very public case in point to prove that the reverse can ...
Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies
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6 January 2013: Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies You may or may not know that in Ireland, the date of 6 January is known as Women’s Christmas (Nollaig na mBan). On this day, the tradition (still strong in parts of the country) is that men take responsibil...
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My boyfriend called me "boxy", I don't know what that means.
Q. This is going to sound very silly but I'm really puzzled! My boyfriend rang me when I was picking up something from a store today! I didn't have much reception so I said il call u back when I get home.. I rang him bk he didn't answer then about 10...
A. 29 July 2012: It’s not a word I’ve ever heard of before. IT seems as though it’s a slang word. Urban Dictionary offers several meanings so I think it confuses the situation rather than clarifies it. Tell him what you think it means and see what he says. Perhaps ... (read in full...)
I didn't have money so I stole formula for my baby, am I going to go to jail?
Q. I am a twenty three year old female, I got caught for shoplifting yesterday and now I have to go to court. I am very scared, I've never been to court before or in the legal system at all. I didn't have any money and my daughter needed formula. D...
A. 29 July 2012: Whilst I’m not familiar with your legal system, I can tell you that in the UK you could be confident that a first-time offender who shop lifted such a small amount would almost certainly not receive a prison sentence. It’s doubtful that you would ... (read in full...)
Can I win back b/f emotionally?
Q. Hi, I am in LDR with my boyfriend and we see each other at weekends but the last few months Ive been actly extremely clingy, texting him everyday, questioning him about emotions, cheating, other women I hate what Ive become! Other areas in ...
A. 29 July 2012: Sit him down and tell him all of this. Explain that you’ve been unhappy with things in your life and it made you very emotional and in need of constant reassurance. Explain that you are in a better place now, and that you understand the impact that ... (read in full...)
Why is this guy I like treating me like trash?
Q. I am just very hurt because a guy I liked treats me like a trash or cheap whore something.. He disreapects me and absolutely dose not care about me. He did not ask to have dinner just used me as a booty call. this guy I met at the club. Is...
A. 29 July 2012: There could be all kinds of reasons why he treats you like this: perhaps because of where you met, perhaps he got the wrong impression, or perhaps he treats everyone like this. The point to remember is that if a guy treats you like trash, you cut ... (read in full...)
Why doesn't my boyfriend get jealous when other guys look at me?
Q. So I was wondering whether I am right to be concerned that my boyfriend never gets jealous of other guys looking at me or get jealous at all, why? Is it because I'm a virgin? ...
A. 29 July 2012: He doesn’t get jealous when other guys look at you because he trusts you. Why on earth would you want him to be jealous? Ask anyone who’s living with a jealous partner, or do a search for jealousy questions on this site, and you’ll find out that ... (read in full...)
We broke up last week. With No Contact, his idea. But can I still text him to wish him good luck with exams? Or wait?
Q. Hey Me and my bf broke up last week. I met him after 2 days asking him to be friends he disagreed for any contact. I maintained the no contact rule and today is the sixth day. He has exams on monday therefore, can I text him to wish him good lu...
A. 28 July 2012: You’ve agreed no contact, that means no contact! Don’t text him to wish him good luck, it may be upsetting to him and unhelpful before an exam. It could also be upsetting for you if he doesn’t reply. Why are you waiting for him to text you back ... (read in full...)
What should I do? We broke up but he wants me 'on hold' but in his life? Yet he is talking to other girls already?
Q. Hi all, I have recently (2 weeks ago) broken up with a boyfriend of 4 months. The circumstances of the break-up were as follows: He stopped showing me any affection, he was cancelling plans to see me and he has avoided calls, simply texting m...
A. 28 July 2012: You’re already building your hopes up for a reconciliation with a guy who claims that the only problem is that he cares for you but he’s just not ready for a relationship yet. And yet he’s ready enough to start talking to other girls, so clearly ... (read in full...)
Why would my boyfriend behave like this? He was most insistent about wanting sex.
Q. Hi, I really need to know that you think is going through my boyfriends head because this has never happened to me before in any relationship I have been in. I was getting ready to go out with a group of girlfriends one evening. About an hour bef...
A. 28 July 2012: Listen to what your friend said, this is dangerously controlling behaviour. You might not think this is a form of the R word, but rape it most certainly is if you didn’t consent. The worry is that this is the tip of the iceberg: what will be next? ... (read in full...)
Seems the same guy is trying to steal another girl away from me. How should I handle this?
Q. My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly three months now, and lately, a guy has started trying to steal her away from me. This same guy has already taken one girl away from me and I know that he's heartless enough to do or say what...
A. 28 July 2012: What more do you want from her? This has clearly caused her considerable distress, she’s made it quite clear that it’s you she wants, by the sounds of it over and over again. You should think about how hurtful this doubt is for her.
The problem ... (read in full...)
He was mean to me. Sent me dirt nasty text. So I did something he called spiteful. Was I wrong to do that?
Q. Two months ago I met this guy at the birthday party. He seems nice and we exchaged phone numbers! We met three times, and afterward I tried to avoid him (i thought he was difficult and feel like all he wants is just have sex!) And here's a deal...
A. 28 July 2012: You need to grow up and stop playing such childish games! If you didn’t like the guy, why didn’t you just ignore his text and go your separate ways? You could have just accepted that he was not worth the effort and moved on, instead you lost all ... (read in full...)
Men: Would you chose a nature program on tv or sex with your girlfriend?
Q. If you were 45 years old and had your 21 year old girlfriend ask you to bed for a blow job and sex would you choose a nature programme (that could be recorded) or your girlfriend. i would appreciate your comments ...
A. 28 July 2012: Perhaps he just wasn’t in the mood, and some of those nature programmes can be fascinating and very educational, you know. Would you really have lost the urge if you’d just waited until his documentary was finished? Why not broaden your horizons and ... (read in full...)
I told my lover's wife about us but it is as if she doesn't care!
Q. I am so hurt right now, I decided to tell my married lover's wife about our affair, because I knew that would be the only way to stop it. I am 35 yrs old and he is a 43 yr old man. It started out as a friendship with casual dinners, and no sex. ...
A. 28 July 2012: It’s likely that he is abusive both physically and emotionally towards his wife, and she is controlled by him. What probably happened is that her first reaction was anger, she planned to kick him out. But then he obviously found some way to get to ... (read in full...)
Tried for 18 months. Still not pregnant. What else can my husband and I do to make it happen? Please help?
Q. hi, we are trying from 1 and half year with my husband, we are trying for pregnant and i want to get pregnant soon, within 1 month.please tell me what else to try?....
A. 27 July 2012: You should both go and see a doctor. There might not be a problem, you could just have been unlucky up to now. Stress and pressure won’t help, and then you enter a vicious cycle because the longer this goes on, the more anxious you become about it. ... (read in full...)
Can cheating be justified?
Q. if someones love interest doesnt give enough time,love, emotional and mental support the care and need and also doesnt take part in sorting such differences by mutual talk then does it give the other partner to cheat on him/her, is it justified ...
A. 27 July 2012: Can cheating ever be justified? Well, let’s take a moment to consider what is meant by the word “cheating.” Cheating is when a person acts with some-one in a way that is unacceptable to their partners. Therefore, if you’re cheating, it inevitably ... (read in full...)
Why did she throw me away for this other guy when it clearly wont work out? Is this a case of 'the grass is greener on the other side'?
Q. Hello, About 5 months ago i got dumped out of nowhere. We were together for 4 years and it was a really good relationship, we have real love, we did alot together, shared everything and our family's loved us both. Then all of a sudden she wante...
A. 27 July 2012: You won’t like to hear this but it sounds like your ex girlfriend is totally in love with this man, so much so that she either doesn’t realise, or care, that they are completely different people. You might think that it can’t work between then, and ... (read in full...)
He's unwilling to commit to me. Any suggestions or ways to encourage commitment from a guy?
Q. I need help... I love this man and he loves me. We do really care about each other trully. I want to be with him only. We've been "dating" for 6 mos now. But he wont make any commitment to me. Im not asking for a wedding ring just a standard re...
A. 26 July 2012: If you’ve made it clear that you want commitment, and he won’t commit, you’re best off sparing yourself more emotional pain and walking away. There could be all kinds of reasons why he won’t commit, but the reality is that if the things that each of ... (read in full...)
I confided in my friend about my partner's cheating and now I feel like I crossed the line
Q. I'm in a situation, I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me but we agreed to work stuff out. As it was a year later I found out he confessed everything we confronted the situation spoke to a counceller. But before we did all this I found myself ...
A. 26 July 2012: Stop feeling guilty, you’ve no reason to. It’s good that you and your partner are working through your issues and trying to get the relationship on track. However this does not mean that when things were bad, you were wrong to seek support from a ... (read in full...)
My 17 year old brother wants to take responsibility for a child that isn't his
Q. My little brother is 17. About 3 weeks ago, he started dating a 16 year old who is 7 months pregnant. The baby's father left her when she told him. My brother has known the girl for about a year now and has told me that he intends to put his name on ...
A. 26 July 2012: Have you asked your brother to sit down with you and explained that you’re seriously concerned about him, and outlined the points you’ve made to him? If you have and he won’t listen, you’re not responsible for his choices, even if you don’t like ... (read in full...)
This girl DOES want me. However, she has a catch....
Q. I have a good female friend that has a lot of things in common with me, and while I'm flattered that she DOES want to date me, she has a "Little" catch.... I asked her what she would want to do with me, if I got together with her. Her ONLY answe...
A. 26 July 2012: Perhaps she does want just a sexual relationship. Then again, she might have thought that was the answer you wanted to hear, or she might really want sex but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t believe there’s more to a relationship than what goes on ... (read in full...)
Why is this man asking me to marry him when he already has a wife and kids?
Q. I met a man online a couple of years ao and I soon found out that he has a family( is married but has not slept with his wife in a loooooomg time because she has gained weight and they also bicker way too much)) so I told him I just wanted to be ...
A. 25 July 2012: Stick to your guns and don’t agree to marry him, not that he’s available to marry anyway. If he loved you, he’d grow a backbone and tell his wife the truth. Even then, you’d know he’s got it in him to cheat and your relationship would be plagued by ... (read in full...)
Why is it because I'm fat I'm all of a sudden not good enough?
Q. Ok so Im having a little bit of a problem here. Im over-weight, reason is medical but nonetheless I am. I have long red hair, my eyes change between blue, green and grey on a daily basis and Im only 5’1. My boyfriend is 6’1, slim, dark bleh. ...
A. 25 July 2012: You have a small group of close friends and a boyfriend who obviously thinks the world of you. You’re not confident because you care too much about the opinions of ignorant people, the kind of people who either criticise your weight because they ... (read in full...)
I am upset that I am being criticized for my parenting!
Q. My daughter is about to be a year old next week and does not walk nor try to. She just crawls and she goes to the furniture and stands up on it. She was born 2 months premature and her doctor always said that some things she might do a little bit ...
A. 24 July 2012: Raising children, and the things they ought to have accomplished by whatever age, are subjects that it seems everyone has an opinion on. Listen to the real experts: your doctor, health visitor, or whoever it is that sees your daughter’s progress and ... (read in full...)
I'm wondering how my married lover can lead a double life!
Q. This question is directed more towards the experts in the field of infidelity because I'm really curious as to how she can live with herself. What gets me is how some of her peers and co-workers perceive her to be this classy upstanding woman...
A. 24 July 2012: This woman is a cheat! She thinks she’s smart enough to get away with it, and she believes that she can just go on leading this double life. It says in the title that she is your married lover, though you do not say this in your question. If it is ... (read in full...)
My fiance lied and never told me his ex had been pregnant
Q. I am 7 weeks pregnant, living with my fiance who I have been with for 3 years but only lived with for the last 2 and half years. When we found out we were pregnant my fiance was beyond excited...I on the other hand am a ball of mixed emotions. Last ...
A. 22 July 2012: Your fiancé probably means that he’s never experienced a pregnancy with a partner before because the last one wasn’t successful. It’s likely that, as part of the grieving process he went through, he’s tried to forget all about the miscarriage and ... (read in full...)
Everyone says that long-distance dating is hard... but is it worth it to give it a try?
Q. I recently met this guy, and he's really great; he's good looking, caring, sweet to me and everything I could ask for. The only problem is, he lives 15 hours away, and the only way we can talk is through texting and skype. He said he's really ...
A. 22 July 2012: That depends very much on what you want. If you want some-one you’ll be able to see on a regular basis, it’s not going to work out. But if you are able to accept that you can’t see him so often, and you feel that you still like him and would want to ... (read in full...)
I used to be a bully!
Q. When I was in 5th grade, I was bullied really hard by this girl. It seemed like everyone was mean to me because they were too scared to stand up to her. Anyway, there were a few kids she also bullied. I was desperate to make her like me, so I ...
A. 22 July 2012: Lots of people make mistakes. Lots of people do stupid things when they’re young to impress the wrong people. Why do you feel the need to apologise? If that’s what you need to do, you need to overcome your fear. You’re probably waiting for a right ... (read in full...)
My daughter has blindly accepted a woman as her sister who may or may not be her sister
Q. A 38-year old woman approached me through a private FB email stating that she is my daughter. I did have a one-occurrence sexual encounter with her mother. The mother approached my wife (we had been married only a few months) and I when the child ...
A. 22 July 2012: You need to explain to her that the extended family only say the things that they do because there is no proof that this woman is her half sister without a paternity test, which you are committed to doing. Explain that no-one is expecting her to ... (read in full...)
Should I continue masturbating? is it normal for a thirteen year old like me?
Q. Hi I am thirteen and I masturbate 5 or more times a week. I've been masturbating for nearly a year now but every time i do it makes me feel uncomfortable with myself. What do I do? Is what I am doing normal? Please I don't know what to do I ...
A. 22 July 2012: It’s fine. The amount that people masturbate varies from person to person. The age at which people start masturbating can also vary. So, there’s nothing wrong with you, and nothing wrong with the amount that you are masturbating. If it interferes ... (read in full...)
Is it weird that I am still single? I always worry what people think of me.
Q. I have been single now for 7 years. I am 25 years old.I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me. It's either I meet guys who aren't interested in me or guys that I am not interested in but they are. I have been on many dates but the ...
A. 22 July 2012: It isn’t weird at all. It’s better to stay single until you find the right person, and until you’re ready for a relationship. People aren’t more successful because they have shorter periods being single, or because of the number of relationships ... (read in full...)
How do I make my boyfriend break up with me ?
Q. He is 26. I am 19. We are in a serious relationship and we have gone far in our relation. But he is very much possesive and feels insecure all the time.. He puts alot of restrictions on me.. He is very much bossy.. He decides where to go, where not ...
A. 21 July 2012: He is trying to control you, and when he thinks you’re going to leave he uses one of the best weapons that a controlling person has: blackmail to make you too frightened of what will happen to him if you leave. Well, you’re not responsible for him, ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend of 3 years popped the question unexpectedly in front of family/friends. I told him I wasn't ready and now he won't talk to me!
Q. Hey everyone So my boyfriend proposed to me last week and I know I just be happy about this but I'm not.. We have been dating for 3 years and things are goin really well until the day of propasal.. He has never spoken about marriage to me so ...
A. 20 July 2012: The fact that he’s reacting like this just proves that you’re not ready for marriage. If you’ve encouraged him to try and talk things through and have an honest conversation with you and he refuses, there’s nothing you can do. Tell him this needs ... (read in full...)
Please tell me how to help my friends!
Q. My life is a mess.... Three of my closest friends have mental illnesses and are having counselling, one of my friends self harms but I dont know how to help, I feel like everyone hates me because one of the friends with depression get angry easily ...
A. 17 July 2012: None of this is your fault. Sometimes people get angry when they’re depressed, but that doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything wrong. Don’t take it to heart and walk away from a tense situation. As for your friend who is self-harming, it’s down to ... (read in full...)
We played doctor when we were kids and now my friend wants to do it again. Whats that all about?
Q. Hi, Okay, so me and a friend have known eachother all our lives and when we were young kids we'd "play doctor". We're both guys 19 years old now. Often he proposes doing it again, because it was a lot of fun, it wasn't anything serious just ora...
A. 17 July 2012: It depends if it’s something you think that you’re going to regret afterwards. If you feel uneasy about it then perhaps not. Take your time, think it over, and talk it over with your friend. Human sexuality is complicated, you can like girls and ... (read in full...)
He wants to leave me because I'm not as smart as he is...
Q. I have a husband that wants to leave me because I'm not as smart as him and he said he's lonely and I feel bad but we have three kids. I'm not perfect I have made some bad mistakes such as I used to hit my partner because he would back me in a ...
A. 16 July 2012: This isn’t really about who’s more intelligent, that’s a smokescreen. This is about a relationship in which there’s no trust, controlling behaviour and violence. So what actually works in this relationship? He doesn’t want to be with you, you won’t ... (read in full...)
I've just discovered the girl I like has HIV and now I'm not sure what I should do.
Q. So for a good amount of time I've been single and haven't had much going on in my romantic life, partly because I'm very picky about girls and partly because I had a long period of being less social than I used to be. Recently though I've been ...
A. 16 July 2012: The choice is yours. The fact is that if you embarked on a sexual relationship with her, it would never be risk-free. However you could substantially reduce your risks by using good-quality condoms. If you did that it would be highly unlikely that ... (read in full...)
He constantly thinks I am cheating on him, this makes me feel insecure!
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We have an amazing relationship except our insecurities. I think he truthfully feels I am cheating on him and I am not. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone and I thought the ...
A. 15 July 2012: You might love him but that isn’t enough. Whoever said that love conquers all was possibly a hopeless romantic, but they were quite wrong! It’s ridiculous that you’ve had to give up all of your privacy to help this man get over his insecurities, ... (read in full...)
I thought my trainer was my friend but he has upped his prices!
Q. Over the past year I have become good friends with my personal trainer. But recently he told me he had to raise his rates and asked me for more money. Of course I was surprised he would do this to me and I am hurt by it. I thought he conside...
A. 15 July 2012: You’re being silly! Training is his profession, if he needs to charge more money from his clients then that’s what he’s going to do, and if he has indeed reduced the size of the price increase for you then perhaps you should be a little more ... (read in full...)
Just as we were about to start IVF we found out I was pregnant!
Q. My boyfriend and I have just found out we are having a baby, which is amazing and a miracle, as we were on our journey of ivf, but found out the day before treatment started that I was pregnant.My boyfriend has been different towards me since we ...
A. 15 July 2012: Talk to him. The chances are that there something in his head telling him it’s all too good to be true. He’s probably not getting his hopes up because he fears something might go wrong. So he’s holding back from getting excited, and if you are over ... (read in full...)
I told my fiance I wanted to break up so she took our daughter away and now I'm really depressed!
Q. hi there i am at a loss... my fiance well ex fiance now, i live with her and have a beautifull 15mnth daughter. i have not been happy in the relationship for about 6-7 months now and have been with her for 5 years, i have said that i think we shoul...
A. 15 July 2012: That sounds pretty nasty! At the moment, she is angry and upset. Sadly this means that she’s failing to separate her view of you as a partner, and you as a father. That much is obvious from the texts that she’s sending. You did the right thing in ... (read in full...)
LDR b/f sent me a package and says I can't open it until we're on the phone together. What could it be?
Q. So i've been in a long distance relationship with a guy for a little while now (9 months)and he kind of popped the question i think over the phone... obviously there's no ring yet. I told him I wasn't too concerned about a ring. He said he spoke ...
A. 14 July 2012: Why haven’t you phoned him and ended the suspense? Come on, put the poor guy and yourself out of your misery and ring him up. And be sure to tell us what it is! The secrecy suggests that it’s going to be something very romantic anyway, I hope ... (read in full...)
Loss of a family member and a boyfriend, how do I pick myself up?
Q. Hi there! I know everyone has a bad year now and again, and i guess this is mine, i suppose my main question is how do you deal with things all in one go? a close family member of mine had been fighting cancer for 6 years passed away a few da...
A. 14 July 2012: Don’t apologise for a long answer, if there’s a lot to tell we need to hear it. As the death of your family member is so recent, you are bound to feel upset. You’re probably going to experience all kinds of emotions as you go through the process of ... (read in full...)
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