A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:A 38-year old woman approached me through a private FB email stating that she is my daughter. I did have a one-occurrence sexual encounter with her mother. The mother approached my wife (we had been married only a few months) and I when the child was about 5 years old. We gave her our contact information and address and invited her to our home to discuss paternity testing. We never heard from her again and never heard anything more about the matter until this recent message through FB. I responded to this woman that I admittedly had a one time encounter with her mother, gave her my wifes and my phone numbers and address and invited her to contact us to meet and schedule paternity testing. Thus far she has not contacted me again. However, my daughter from my first marriage has decided that this woman IS her half-sister, has pursued a relationship and has welcomed her into her home and into the lives of my young grandchildren as their mom's sister and their aunt. My wife said something to her about it and she literally just cut my wife and the rest of our family completely out of her life (her half-sister and brother through my marriage) and also our grandhildren. My wife and daughter, and our families (including my ex-wife)have always had a good relationship, but my daughter has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with her extended family beyond myself. She says she will not "hide" her half-sister. This is a huge problem that I want to handle tactfully without further damaging relationships. Obviously, I could be the father based on the one encounter, but I could just as likely not be the father and I am not about to acknowledge paternity with a paternity test. I am upset that my daughter has just blindly accepted this woman at the expense of the family that has been a loving part of her entire life. Any suggestions on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 Insist on a paternity test. If the other person doesn't accept, that will get your daughter thinking.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (22 July 2012):
You need to explain to her that the extended family only say the things that they do because there is no proof that this woman is her half sister without a paternity test, which you are committed to doing. Explain that no-one is expecting her to hide the potential half sister, but they’re worried that she could get hurt if a DNA test is carried out which finds that you are not the father and they are consequently not half siblings. Tell your daughter that the extended family isn’t trying to stop her having a relationship with her, but that she needs to think about how she’s going to deal with a negative paternity result. If she has bonded with this woman and they can still have a close relationship even though they’re not siblings, all is well and good. So essentially you need to show your daughter that no-one’s insisting that she hides anyone, and that she’s angry over something she misunderstood. However you should also tell her about how you feel, and that it’s not through a lack of willingness on your part that no paternity test has been done. You should ask her to respect the fact that you are holding back and can’t accept a new daughter without knowing the truth.
If you do all this, and still she refuses to speak to the rest of the family, she’s being unreasonable. But it’s worth trying to have this conversation with her, because there’s a good chance that she’s overreacting out of a desire to defend a woman that she’s pinned her hopes on turning out to be a half sister.
I wish you all the very best.
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