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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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What nicknames do girls give to their vaginas?
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I think you need to focus on yourself for a while. You're seeking validati... (read in full...)
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Are there women's shelters for abused wives in USA?
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A. 1 March 2011: There are places you can go, however they typically cater more toward the physically abused. While what he is doing is absolutely abuse, you may not find quite as much help as if he had actually hit you. You do need to get out of there. A good ... (read in full...)
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A. 1 March 2011: Ask her out on a date, don't ask her to kiss you. If the date goes well you can always try for a kiss at the end of it.... (read in full...)
Male input please!
Q. Having read so many posts from blokes complaining about their girlfriends, wives etc never initiating sexual acts (be it oral, full intercourse or whatever) I realized I'm one of these women. I read one post that struck a chord - my boyfriend ini...
A. 27 February 2011: If you never initiate it leaves us feeling unwanted. Just think how you'd feel if your man never wanted to have sex with you, or at least it seemed that way.
Like Odds said, there's really no secret. You just start with some contact. Hell, te... (read in full...)
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A. 27 February 2011: It's because we like making our GF's happy. It is possible to get pleasure out of the pleasure of others. Sure, it's nice when the favor is returned, but it's not about that. At least not to a lot of guys.... (read in full...)
Are all my ex boyfriend's decisions being controlled by his friend?
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A. 25 February 2011: Better to find this out now. I'm sorry this happened, but if he's so easily swayed, then you're probably better off without him. It sucks that he threw away 7 years. Then again, he sounds very immature. I think this is for the best, even if it ... (read in full...)
How do I make the transition from boyfriend to friend? I don't want to lose her!
Q. Hi everyone, just looking for some advice. Myself and my girlfriend broke up yesterday. We knew that it was on the horizon though, because we are both at university and I am in my final year and will hence be moving away in the summer. She is i...
A. 25 February 2011: Which time? LOL
The most recent was quite a few years ago now. When I was in college, there was a girl in our friend circle who started showing an interest in me. We flirted a lot, started dating. We had lots of fun. The relationship was very... (read in full...)
Does he realy luv me then why has he pulled away...:-(??
Q. Hi i've being chattin' wid ma friend 4 like 5 dayz now.on the first day he started asking questions lyk who do u luv and stuff then i asked him why he is askin such questions and he said he luvs me nd he practicaly tels me dat everytim nd b4 he goes ...
A. 25 February 2011: Maybe, maybe not. That's not typical behavior. I think he just missed you. No idea why he pulled away.... (read in full...)
My girlfriend's sister mades moves on me. What do I do?
Q. Help me: my girlfriend's sister is now after me for a date ever since her sister (who is my girlfriend) traveled to London. The first time I noticed it was the day she called me on the phone asking me to come over to the house. I did, and she was ...
A. 25 February 2011: You avoid her sister, and tell your girlfriend what she's doing. Come completely clean. It's better she hear it from you in your shocked and confused state than from her sister who might tell her you were leading her on or worse. Get in front of ... (read in full...)
How do I make the transition from boyfriend to friend? I don't want to lose her!
Q. Hi everyone, just looking for some advice. Myself and my girlfriend broke up yesterday. We knew that it was on the horizon though, because we are both at university and I am in my final year and will hence be moving away in the summer. She is i...
A. 25 February 2011: Yes, time and space will help heal the wounds. The problem is, that as friends, when you see her, they will likely reopen. That's always been my problem. That's why it's almost easier to cut the person out of your life until the healing process ... (read in full...)
Is it too soon to perform oral sex on the guy I'm dating?
Q. Hi. I've been dating this guy for a month now (have known him for almost 4 months) and so far things have gone rly well. He got me a heartshaped cookie and took me out to dinner on Valentines Day, he constantly tells me how beautiful I am and how ...
A. 25 February 2011: I don't see the harm in it either. Only do it if you want to and feel ready. It all depends on how you feel and how comfortable you are. Don't do it because you think he wants it, do it because YOU want to.
On the exclusivity side, it might... (read in full...)
"x's" on texts?
Q. Ok. heres the deal... i met this girl on a dating site and she gave me her number. we've been texting since yesterday morning pretty much all day and towards the end of the day she put a "x" at the end which carried on at the end of each text this ...
A. 25 February 2011: Heck, we have people who post their problems here and sign it like that too! Definitely not something to read into.... (read in full...)
Is it possible to fall in love 2 months into the relationship?
Q. Is it possible to fall in love with someone after only 2 months? I realize everything is all good in the beginning. I broke up with my long time boyfriend of 9 years to pursue a relationship with the new person. I've convinced myself that I'm in ...
A. 25 February 2011: I think it's possible. It depends on the person. Some people fall hard and fast. Others their love grows over time. I'm a hard and fast guy (at least in the falling in love department). It's gotten me in trouble in the past, but I recognize ... (read in full...)
We want a baby but no luck...any suggestions?
Q. My husband been together for three years and we been trying to have a baby and we are not having any luck I just wanted to know what are your suggestions for me and my husband. If you can help plz tell....
A. 25 February 2011: Have you gone to a fertility specialist? If not, make an appointment.... (read in full...)
Was he just not attracted to me or did he have the problem?
Q. I've been with my x for 1 year and 5 months. Actually we just broke up a week ago. I love him so much to the extent that even he's not givin me pleasure in bed I still accept it. He only likes blowjob and handjob everytime we have sex and if I want ...
A. 25 February 2011: He was using you. If he was into you, believe me, he would be making sure you were fully pleasured to the best of his ability.
Sure, he may not like sex, but that's not an excuse for that behavior either.... (read in full...)
If a guys denies his love for you is there a possibility he may start loving later?
Q. i like this guy. we know each other since childhood. but he treats me more like a friend / sister .. he likes me, cares for me etc . . everything a guy can do make a girl feel spl. however, when I confessed that I have feelings for him he ...
A. 25 February 2011: That's a BIG piece of this puzzle.
Most people in their right mind don't want to start a long distance relationship. They are simply too difficult. That could be a major driving force in his decision to only want to be friends.
I'm gla... (read in full...)
Is flirting online a form of cheating?
Q. Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years. Our arguments have always been about him flirting with women on Facebook or MySpace. Is that considered cheating if hes flirting online and he tells women he's single? ...
A. 24 February 2011: Not to mention showing you absolutely zero respect.... (read in full...)
He means the world to me. How can I get him to trust me?
Q. Hello :-) Right, i shall start from the begining so it makes more sense to you all. (whoever's reading) My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year now, and at the begining of the relationship i was still talking to other boys (jus...
A. 24 February 2011: You can't make him trust you, and if he's still holding on to stupid texts between friends from 9 months ago, you're better off without him. He's just a controlling and jealous douche. Seriously, don't beg. Stand up for yourself.
You'r... (read in full...)
Dear Creepy Ex, Thanks but no thanks.
Q. Ok so, my ex (not the classiest fellow at the best of times) just sent me a picture of his junk on facebook, with the message, "miss me?". This definitely seals my decision NOT to get back together with him. I thought of replying and kind of calli...
A. 24 February 2011: LMAO! Yeah, report and block. Don't acknowledge him. Even a negative response will just encourage him.... (read in full...)
Why does my partner sleep with my clothing that I accidentally left at his place?
Q. hey guys just a curious question i left a shirt of mine in my partners car for quite some time, and today when i went to his new place, he kept it in his bed under his pillow. would anyone know why he does it? Occasionaly i forget to take things w...
A. 24 February 2011: By the way, if the stockings are a little crusty, then he's using them for something else.... (read in full...)
My boyfriend's signed up to dating sites - please help!
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. A year in, I found he was signed up to a dating-type website, confronted him and he said it was to look at pictures while masturbating. He understood why it upset me and he stopped doing it. A few times si...
A. 24 February 2011: Yup, not to mention they are local singles. Perhaps this is something worth telling him. ... (read in full...)
What birth control do you use and why?
Q. Birth Control... I'm a virgin, have no desire to get BF yet and I am happy to finish living my childhood for the time being as I know when it's gone I'll miss just been young. But i see alot Qs about BC (birth control) and I'm just curious re...
A. 24 February 2011: I use condoms, but most women I've dated have used the pill. A couple used the shot, one loved it, the other hated it. I have a friend using the Nuvo ring and she really likes it.... (read in full...)
Couldn't we at least stay friends?
Q. So, a while back this guy added me on Facebook. He graduated the same high school I'm attending, so he's 3 years older than me(I'm 17, he's almost 20). We started talking and he really seemed into me and even told me so. We would Skype often, and ...
A. 24 February 2011: He's not that into you. Sorry. If he was into you, he wouldn't be ignoring you. Perhaps it's your age, or perhaps it's the awkward date. Either way, it's best if you just consider this over. Let him reach out if he wants to try and mend this ... (read in full...)
Why does my partner sleep with my clothing that I accidentally left at his place?
Q. hey guys just a curious question i left a shirt of mine in my partners car for quite some time, and today when i went to his new place, he kept it in his bed under his pillow. would anyone know why he does it? Occasionaly i forget to take things w...
A. 24 February 2011: Perhaps he likes having something of yours close to him as a reminder of you. Perhaps it smells like you and gives him something good to think of while he drifts off. ... (read in full...)
Is flirting online a form of cheating?
Q. Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years. Our arguments have always been about him flirting with women on Facebook or MySpace. Is that considered cheating if hes flirting online and he tells women he's single? ...
A. 24 February 2011: Cheating? Not so much in my opinion, but he is lying, hiding you, doing something he knows you don't like, disregarding your feelings...
I think it's time to tell him he's gotten his wish. He's now single and free to flirt with as many women on... (read in full...)
How do I make the transition from boyfriend to friend? I don't want to lose her!
Q. Hi everyone, just looking for some advice. Myself and my girlfriend broke up yesterday. We knew that it was on the horizon though, because we are both at university and I am in my final year and will hence be moving away in the summer. She is i...
A. 24 February 2011: I doubt you'll ever be able to be her true friend. How will you feel when she's dating, or asking for advice with guys. It's not like you don't still have feelings for her.
You need to be honest with yourself about what you think you can hand... (read in full...)
My boyfriend's signed up to dating sites - please help!
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. A year in, I found he was signed up to a dating-type website, confronted him and he said it was to look at pictures while masturbating. He understood why it upset me and he stopped doing it. A few times si...
A. 24 February 2011: I guess that makes some sense. Still, what's he hiding from now. How would you respond if he was looking at porn instead?
I still think it's fishy, even if he's just using it to masturbate to. The fact that he does this when you are having p... (read in full...)
My boyfriend's signed up to dating sites - please help!
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. A year in, I found he was signed up to a dating-type website, confronted him and he said it was to look at pictures while masturbating. He understood why it upset me and he stopped doing it. A few times si...
A. 23 February 2011: I'm curious as to the answers to strontiumdog's questions as well.
I know when I thought things were about to end with my last GF, I went and signed up for a couple of dating sites. I didn't fill in the profile, or load any pictures, or message ... (read in full...)
If a guys denies his love for you is there a possibility he may start loving later?
Q. i like this guy. we know each other since childhood. but he treats me more like a friend / sister .. he likes me, cares for me etc . . everything a guy can do make a girl feel spl. however, when I confessed that I have feelings for him he ...
A. 23 February 2011: Anything is possible, but some things just aren't probable. This is one of those that will not likely happen for you.
He probably does love you, but like he told you, it's on a friend/sisterly level. When someone loves you like that, the idea... (read in full...)
How Personal Bias and Gender Stereotypes can Influence Advice
Q. I write this article knowing full well it will not be received very well by some. I can only hope that this article will still be allowed due to the merits of the argument I am presenting. I have noticed on multiple occasions a prevalent double...
A. 23 February 2011: I say go with Italian, then again, I'm biased because I just LOVE Italian food. ;)... (read in full...)
How Personal Bias and Gender Stereotypes can Influence Advice
Q. I write this article knowing full well it will not be received very well by some. I can only hope that this article will still be allowed due to the merits of the argument I am presenting. I have noticed on multiple occasions a prevalent double...
A. 23 February 2011: I agree that it can be helpful, as can the experiences of people who have lived through a situation similar to what has been presented by the OP. We can't take that for granted.
To me, it all depends on the question. Some people need you to e... (read in full...)
How Personal Bias and Gender Stereotypes can Influence Advice
Q. I write this article knowing full well it will not be received very well by some. I can only hope that this article will still be allowed due to the merits of the argument I am presenting. I have noticed on multiple occasions a prevalent double...
A. 22 February 2011: For posterity sake, my previous reply was written before Jmtmj and Odds replies had shown up for me.
Thank you Odds for your post and attempting to bring us back on topic. It's my hope we can continue this discussion on topic without delving ... (read in full...)
How Personal Bias and Gender Stereotypes can Influence Advice
Q. I write this article knowing full well it will not be received very well by some. I can only hope that this article will still be allowed due to the merits of the argument I am presenting. I have noticed on multiple occasions a prevalent double...
A. 22 February 2011: I'll admit, I did take your post to be your views Chigirl. In my defense, the historical perspective you presented you did state was a bias you shared, and one you hypothesized many other women also share.
I did not say your advice was bad. I ... (read in full...)
How Personal Bias and Gender Stereotypes can Influence Advice
Q. I write this article knowing full well it will not be received very well by some. I can only hope that this article will still be allowed due to the merits of the argument I am presenting. I have noticed on multiple occasions a prevalent double...
A. 22 February 2011: Mishmash, thank you for the excellent post.
Chigirl, I think you partially grasped my point, but it not entirely. I'll detail what I mean.
My point in this article was to point out this: "I will admit, although not seeing it as a flaw, that ... (read in full...)
How Personal Bias and Gender Stereotypes can Influence Advice
Q. I write this article knowing full well it will not be received very well by some. I can only hope that this article will still be allowed due to the merits of the argument I am presenting. I have noticed on multiple occasions a prevalent double...
A. 21 February 2011: Battista, it definitely isn't just you!
Odds, I knew what you meant even before you posted your correction. ;-) You're absolutely correct, and I think part of why I didn't even consider the historical perspective is because I haven't experien... (read in full...)
How Personal Bias and Gender Stereotypes can Influence Advice
Q. I write this article knowing full well it will not be received very well by some. I can only hope that this article will still be allowed due to the merits of the argument I am presenting. I have noticed on multiple occasions a prevalent double...
A. 20 February 2011: angelDlite, that's a very good point you bring up about historical inequality. It's sometimes easy to forget in the current atmosphere of equality, or very near equality. You're absolutely correct though. That's something I hadn't really thought ... (read in full...)
How Personal Bias and Gender Stereotypes can Influence Advice
Q. I write this article knowing full well it will not be received very well by some. I can only hope that this article will still be allowed due to the merits of the argument I am presenting. I have noticed on multiple occasions a prevalent double...
A. 20 February 2011: Thanks for the posts so far.
Cindy, I'm well aware my methodology was far from perfect. Perhaps I should have put some quotes around the word experiment.
Was I trying to show specific inconsistencies in individuals advice? No, that's not w... (read in full...)
We started exploring kinks and now I'm feeling that things are out of hand
Q. So me and my girlfriend are fairly kinky and I know she likes BDSM (since a friend took her to an event last year) so I asked her if she'd like to go to a rope workshop in a couple of weeks.. This tipped over a few more dominoes than expected, s...
A. 11 February 2011: That's a really bad sign. Either she's taking you for granted, or something else is up. She won't even share the bed with you? Might be time to exit before she picks up an STD to give to you.... (read in full...)
We started exploring kinks and now I'm feeling that things are out of hand
Q. So me and my girlfriend are fairly kinky and I know she likes BDSM (since a friend took her to an event last year) so I asked her if she'd like to go to a rope workshop in a couple of weeks.. This tipped over a few more dominoes than expected, s...
A. 10 February 2011: I agree mostly with natasia. You just need to talk it out. What it sounds like to me, is that things are happening too fast for your liking and it's beginning to make you very uncomfortable. That's understandable. I've found that the best way to ... (read in full...)
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