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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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My girlfriend wants us to stay in different rooms for a month!
Q. my girlfriend turned round to me as i was about to get into bed last night and said she wanted us to stay in different rooms and not have sex for a month so she can work herself out and that it wont be a problem if i love her. Someone tell me how i ...
A. 10 March 2011: That's a great start. Make sure to keep the lines of communication open. Ask for updates, share your feelings... This will help you stay connected. Best of luck!... (read in full...)
I want to be approachable, but how!!
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How to create an emotional bond with a man? (need advice from the guys, please)
Q. How does a woman create an emotional bond with a guy? For women, we'd want to be kind, thoughtful and generous. I hear that those things can be a turn off to a guy, so how are emotional bonds created?...
A. 9 March 2011: In addition to CaringGuy's suggestions (and they are good ones) having him teach you something is also good. Preferably you should pick something he's good at that you know something about so that you can pick up on it quickly. Maybe it's the ... (read in full...)
Am I leaving him when he needs me the most?
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He's 4 years younger than me, with us meeting when I was 22 and when he was 18. He is my first love and we had an amazing dynamic relationship. 8 months into our relationship, he started flirting...
A. 9 March 2011: Is there nothing you can do?
Nope, nothing you can do.
Is this the right thing to do?
Absolutely! He may claim to love you, and you may think he does, but his BEHAVIOR is not that of someone who loves you. He may have problems, but those... (read in full...)
My girlfriend wants us to stay in different rooms for a month!
Q. my girlfriend turned round to me as i was about to get into bed last night and said she wanted us to stay in different rooms and not have sex for a month so she can work herself out and that it wont be a problem if i love her. Someone tell me how i ...
A. 9 March 2011: You need to discuss why she feels this way. Her request may not be out of line, and if you two have been having troubles lately, she probably wants to evaluate the relationship. She will need some space to do that.
I suggest you stay calm, an... (read in full...)
My ex is making sexual comments against me
Q. Hello, i hope you can help. two years ago i started dating this boy who kept nagging me (i didnt like him and he was annoying at first) after a while i gave in and gave him a chance as a reslut of this i dumbly fell for him. it was a long year rel...
A. 9 March 2011: No, it's not acceptable and you shouldn't tolerate it. Definitely don't get back with him. He's an ass. You're better off without him in your life. If you get back with him, history WILL repeat itself.... (read in full...)
Its been 2 years since it happened, but my husband talks like my affair happened just yesterday
Q. I was transfered 2 work from a different twon for 6months leaving my husband i got involved with a man whom we even had sex, my husband got 2 find out everthng.its being 2yearz bt he talks lyk it jst happend,i hav no say n the house now its 2much ...
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You made a mistake, but in order for your relationship to survive, it has to be pu... (read in full...)
I'm away at uni - me and my boyfriend don't miss each other. is this OK?
Q. Basically ive been with my bf for over a year. We have a really good sex life, so much fun together, were really open with other and as soon as either of us have a problem we let each other know, before it becomes a problem. He's honestly my best ...
A. 9 March 2011: These situations are always very difficult. In a way, it becomes comfortable only having to see each other once and a while. It makes you long for that other person and make the most of your time together. On the other hand, sometimes you just ... (read in full...)
I have a boyfriend who loves me....but I'm starting to fall for my ex again!
Q. I'm 17 years old, and I've been dating my boyfriend (let's call him O) for around 6 months, and its properly serious. I've only had one serious relationship before this one (let's call him L), here we were friends before we started dating. It end...
A. 7 March 2011: Why did it feel right in L's arms?
Because you were drunk, and cuddling with someone feels good. Add to that a past connection and you have a recipe for what you felt.
Why do you feel like you're falling for him?
Lust hormones. You'r... (read in full...)
She called me small after sex...should I be worried?
Q. I have never had complaints/worries about my size or performance in the past, but lately I've been feeling very insecure with my new lady. Sex seems great from my perspective, but the last week she called me small after sex. This comment came a c...
A. 7 March 2011: What CG said. There are plenty of women out there who think you're the perfect size.... (read in full...)
I lied about pregnancy and want to regain his trust.
Q. Okay, I had a huge fight with my fiancee a couple of days ago and in the heat I busted out. I am pregnant! We had been trying to get pregnant since december so I felt awful... So a few days later when he asked me if it was really true I coulde...
A. 7 March 2011: There is no easy way to earn trust. It's a long road. What you have to do is be honest. Don't lie, especially not to manipulate.
He has forgiven you, or at least begun the process of forgiveness. That's a good sign, and it's a good sign you... (read in full...)
I'm scared of being naked.
Q. I want to feel beautiful and desirable? But I hate my body so desperately, I find it very hard to get into exercise and hard to give up the foods I want, even though I don't eat that much of them, and have cut down a lot as well. I don't drink or...
A. 7 March 2011: Your boyfriend doesn't care. You're attractive to him just the way you are. If you weren't, he wouldn't be with you.
There are all different kinds of beauty. Learn to love yourself, that's very attractive no matter what size you are.... (read in full...)
Does he adore me or adore having sex with me?
Q. Have been seeing someone for a short while. The sex is amazing, but for various reasons neither of us wants to get into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at the moment, we value our freedom. My question is, when a guy uses your name and says "I...
A. 7 March 2011: Adoration is quite a strong thing, however it is different than love. I think he is developing feelings for you, however because of how you've talked about valuing your freedom, I think he may be being cautious about throwing around the L word.
... (read in full...)
I lied and told him I was pregnant.
Q. my bofriend and i have been together for the past 7 1/2 months we broke about 4 months now and is not living together anymore but we continue to have sex, i love him so much and want him back more than anything else i know his heart desire is ...
A. 7 March 2011: The best thing you can do is be honest. How many lies are you going to tell him? Do you really want a false love? That's all you're going to get from a lie.... (read in full...)
I can't find a date!
Q. I have been single for 2 months now and I am dying to meet someone but have historically had tough luck meeting girls I like. I have been with some really attractive girls but literally all my relationships have been short and ended in disaster. I...
A. 7 March 2011: Have you tried online? Often you'll go on a lot of bad dates before you end up on a good one, but it's one option to you since you aren't a fan of the typical avenues.
Another good place to meet people is in a class. Maybe take up a language... (read in full...)
I dumped him because I wanted more committment from him...but now I want him back!
Q. I dated a guy for about 7 months and he ended things about a month ago. I wanted more of a commitment from him and unfortunately he wasn't able to give it to me because he wanted to focus on his career. Now I really miss him and I want him back. ...
A. 7 March 2011: Move on. It's not good to get back with an ex, and he doesn't want to get back with you, so you don't have a choice here.
Grieve the relationship, and put it behind you. Learn from your mistakes, and do your best not to repeat them.
For wha... (read in full...)
Need advice from the guys - Should I run since it seems he might be addicted to being a "torch bearer" or should I assume he has matured and gotten over his broken heart?
Q. In need of advice from the bloks (guys)....been going out with a guy for 3-4 months, he hasn't said the BIG 3 words yet but we have a lovely time together. From what I've gathered, his past relationships were with women that started out not liking ...
A. 7 March 2011: 3 or 4 months might not be long enough for him to profess love. That's nothing unusual.
I think you should focus on your relationship together, not his past. How does he treat you? How are you two together? Are you happy? Does he seem hap... (read in full...)
Is it weird that I want to be friends with one of my closest friend's bf?
Q. Is it weird that I want to be friends with one of my closest friend's bf? They've been going out for a month, and I just met him. I just feel like him and I have so much in common, more then they have in common. Like we like music and art, but my ...
A. 7 March 2011: That's a dangerous line to walk. It's not bad, but it's not good either. She will likely never be comfortable if you two do hang out alone together, and it WILL cause problems for their relationship.
Which one is more important to you, your fri... (read in full...)
Does it seem weird to anyone else or am I letting my imagination and pms get to me?
Q. Hello everyone I just have a quick question...so my boyfriend and I of about 4 years are very serious and live together and all that. We have both made mistakes in this relationship to kind of hinder the trust but we have buikt it back up and been ...
A. 7 March 2011: You're letting your imagination get the better of you. You're also very controlling if you need to know every minute detail of his day. It's highly probable that he didn't mention it because it wasn't important to him. That actually seems more ... (read in full...)
Should I message her?
Q. i m a really shy guy...during college i fell for a girl ..it took me 3 months n alot of pushing to go and tell her..she knew through common friends that i liked her. the time i talked to her she was really nice but said she's not interested other th...
A. 7 March 2011: What would you be hoping to achieve?
Sending a friend request might not hurt, but be careful about confessing you still have feelings for her 3 years later. That will definitely put her off. Saying hi and catching up isn't bad, but nothing ... (read in full...)
I feel so unattractive. how can he love me?
Q. I constantly feel fat and ugly, and its effecting my love life, I feel like my boyfriend is getting bored of me because of this. ...
A. 7 March 2011: There's nothing more unattractive than a person who can't be convinced otherwise!
Does he ever compliment you? Tell you you're beautiful? If so, how do you react? Probably, "you're just saying that." It's like you don't believe him.
Think o... (read in full...)
My ex is trying to wreck my new relationship
Q. One of my ex's keeps bugging me and bugging me to dump my current bf and date him. I keep telling him no but he wont leave me alone and idk what to do at this point. I haven't told my bf cuz idk how he would react. What should I do?...
A. 7 March 2011: Keep telling the ex to go away. It's probably a good plan to tell your BF, because if you don't it looks like you're hiding something. He will find out this ex keeps asking you out. You just need to reassure your BF that you will always tell your ... (read in full...)
What's wrong with being sexually conservative?!
Q. I felt strongly about the kind of misleading advice / negative overtones that are often present in the responses to people who've been sexually conservative (or abstinent) and are disturbed to find their SO (significant other) have not. They are ...
A. 6 March 2011: Seems you sparked quite the discussion OP. Kudos. You've also gotten some excellent responses from some top aunts. It's always a good sign when you attract certain people to a thread. ;)
Anyway, you posted some things directed toward me, so I... (read in full...)
What's wrong with being sexually conservative?!
Q. I felt strongly about the kind of misleading advice / negative overtones that are often present in the responses to people who've been sexually conservative (or abstinent) and are disturbed to find their SO (significant other) have not. They are ...
A. 6 March 2011: In my opinion there is nothing wrong with either choice. It's up to individuals to decide what is right for them. What is not right in my opinion is imposing your moral structure on someone else, or making them feel bad or dirty for the choices ... (read in full...)
The most wanted pennis size
Q. female input needed for the best result. What is the pennis preference size irrespective of knowing how to use it or not. I mean the ultimate size you'll wish if your man had....thank u...
A. 4 March 2011: Actually, the straight answer is it depends on the individual. Everyone is different, and has different preferences. Just like men and their preference in breast size, we all have different tastes.... (read in full...)
I cheated on my boyfriend, and he is contemplating revenge cheating. How can we get past this?
Q. My boyfriend is trying to get pass the fact that I cheated on him and lied about it. The situation is that I kissed a coworker about 6 times and we ended up touching on each other. I lied about how the kiss happened and how many times we kissed. ...
A. 4 March 2011: Walk away. This relationship ended when you cheated. It's obviously not working. Get out before it gets worse. In order to fix things, you BOTH have to want to. I don't see that happening here.... (read in full...)
He told me he didn't want a relationship, which is fine. I just want him to be like he was when we first met! What's his deal?
Q. Hi there! I met a guy at a bar in December and it was one of those "wow! I feel like I already know you" type things. The sexual chemistry was totally there, we were chatting, he was very affectionate toward me, and saying really nice things to me. ...
A. 4 March 2011: I agree with the walkin dude. It's obvious you want more. What you had "before" was more like a budding relationship. I don't blame you. ... (read in full...)
My team mate and girlfriend are close, is it all in my head?
Q. Okay, I don't really know what to start but its a very long and complicated problem between me and my partner, mainly around me struggling with trust issues. I have been with my girlfriend for 2, coming on to 3 years now. Everything was p...
A. 4 March 2011: You feel like she's hiding something because she keeps dismissing you. Sorry, I really think something is up.... (read in full...)
A married man at work wants my attention. I am attracted to him, so I'm struggling with this. How can I stop these feelings, and how do I get him to leave me alone
Q. I am a pretty young woman. There is this man at work who is always trying to get my attention but he has a wife and family. I really find him attractive and think he is a nice person. But I do not want to get in the middle of a marriage or caus...
A. 4 March 2011: "Why is he trying to play games with me and showing me attention when he is married?" It could be for the ego boost, "I've still got it!" Or it could be because he is just a major flirt. Or it could be because he's attempting to cheat on his wif... (read in full...)
My boyfriend broke up with me, and it hurts so much! He was my everything! What should I do now?
Q. My boyfriend had being acting funny for a month, asking to go on a break. He'd come back, we'd make up, and he'd ask for a break again. The third time he came back and he said he'd been thinking and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship ...
A. 4 March 2011: Why did he do this? Because it's what he wanted. I know it sucks, having just been dumped recently myself. But while you were happy, he wasn't. It's better that he was honest, even if you had to drag it out of him. What are you going to do ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend broke up with me twice. She's receiving counseling and takes full responsibility. Should I give it another shot?
Q. My girlfriend broke up with me, twice. The first time was like a weekend, I agreed to get back together. The second time, I was tired of being taken for a chump and that was that. It's been 3 months now. We've been talking a lot. She's been ...
A. 4 March 2011: Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.... (read in full...)
The most wanted pennis size
Q. female input needed for the best result. What is the pennis preference size irrespective of knowing how to use it or not. I mean the ultimate size you'll wish if your man had....thank u...
A. 4 March 2011: I suggest you read this: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/sodoes-size-really-matter-lets-put-it-to.html ... (read in full...)
Seriously debating whether to break up or not?
Q. Debating whether to leave your partner or not? Here’s forty questions as food for thought. There are no right or wrong answers or score cards, they’re just things to consider if you're having trouble. Please keep in mind that nobody is perfect ...
A. 4 March 2011: Excellent article. I'm going to start linking this to people. That's a wonderful list of questions you've put together and if someone uses it, they will have an excellent assessment of their relationship!... (read in full...)
My family are wealthy. His is not. Should I pay for everything on our first date?
Q. Please give me advice.. I have a boyfriend. He was my friend when i was in junior high school. Now he lives in another city. Two months ago he found me on facebook. We share all. Two weeks ago he said he loves me. And so do i. So we decide to have ...
A. 4 March 2011: It won't hurt to offer, but let him decide. Or possibly suggest he do dinner and you pay for the movie, or visa versa. ... (read in full...)
I don't think my best friend who I have feelings for likes me back. What should I do??
Q. Well, I think I'm in love for the first time and it's with my best friend. Whenever I see him I smile without even knowing it. It seems like I think about him all the time, and I always dream about him. But he doesn't seem to like me back. I've f...
A. 4 March 2011: I'm afraid he may not feel the same way for you. If he did, he likely would have called. I suggest you make some plans with him. He's a friend, so I'm assuming you hang out together sometimes. Go do something together, and tell him you like him ... (read in full...)
What nicknames do girls give to their vaginas?
Q. hiya. im 17 F. i know its a bit silly but my girl friends and i were talking about what nicknames we call our vaginas and we wanted to know more names. we came up with pussy, fluffy and gina. can you help? ...
A. 4 March 2011: I thought the love glove was a condom.
Vagingo... (read in full...)
Will a man respect me for being a virgin at 31?
Q. still a virgin at thirty one will i get the man my heart like, will he respect me for keeping virgin for all those year waiting for him to be the first to break?...
A. 4 March 2011: A good man will cherish the fact you saved yourself. We never know what our life will bring though.... (read in full...)
What nicknames do girls give to their vaginas?
Q. hiya. im 17 F. i know its a bit silly but my girl friends and i were talking about what nicknames we call our vaginas and we wanted to know more names. we came up with pussy, fluffy and gina. can you help? ...
A. 4 March 2011: Magic carpet... (read in full...)
What nicknames do girls give to their vaginas?
Q. hiya. im 17 F. i know its a bit silly but my girl friends and i were talking about what nicknames we call our vaginas and we wanted to know more names. we came up with pussy, fluffy and gina. can you help? ...
A. 3 March 2011: Oh dang, how could we have forgotten Beaver?!? That's just classic.... (read in full...)
What nicknames do girls give to their vaginas?
Q. hiya. im 17 F. i know its a bit silly but my girl friends and i were talking about what nicknames we call our vaginas and we wanted to know more names. we came up with pussy, fluffy and gina. can you help? ...
A. 3 March 2011: Oh yeah, I like to call it "The Promised Land."
Enchanted Forest
Muff
Box
I'll keep thinking...... (read in full...)
What nicknames do girls give to their vaginas?
Q. hiya. im 17 F. i know its a bit silly but my girl friends and i were talking about what nicknames we call our vaginas and we wanted to know more names. we came up with pussy, fluffy and gina. can you help? ...
A. 3 March 2011: Ham wallet
Oyster Ditch
Va J J
... (read in full...)
My team mate and girlfriend are close, is it all in my head?
Q. Okay, I don't really know what to start but its a very long and complicated problem between me and my partner, mainly around me struggling with trust issues. I have been with my girlfriend for 2, coming on to 3 years now. Everything was p...
A. 3 March 2011: No, you're not insecure. She's cheating on you. Sorry dude, but I'd bet the farm on it. The checking your phone while hiding hers is classic projection. She knows she's guilty, so she's trying to prove that you are too so she doesn't feel as bad ... (read in full...)
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