A
male
age
30-35,
*annn
writes:So me and my girlfriend are fairly kinky and I know she likes BDSM (since a friend took her to an event last year) so I asked her if she'd like to go to a rope workshop in a couple of weeks.. This tipped over a few more dominoes than expected, she was thrilled, and we've been talking more and more about kink and everything related, a threesome was mentioned and I said in the future I'd likely be more open minded seeing as I can't bash something unless I try it. She got even more excited and so we went to a munch (kink dinner gathering) last week to check out the scene.I thought it was fine, (must admit not everyone was my type of person) but we went home talked about it and things were going well. She's really getting into it though joining a social networking kink site and making lots of new friends (who all are flirting with her a lot..) (..and she's flirting back). Now I'm beside myself with anxiety and jealousy as I was hoping to excite her with getting into this WITH her, and it seems like things are getting out of my league. The more I think about it the less and less I want anything to do with polygamy, threesomes and the like, and the fact that she's flirting with everyone to extremes is really making me a wreck, obviously I need to communicate and talk to her about it, but any hints on how she may be feeling or how I should approach it?
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (3 March 2011):
 Ouch, that sucks. Sorry that happened.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 March 2011):
 I'm sorry. Guess it wasn't meant to be.
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A
male
reader, dannn +, writes (2 March 2011):
dannn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI take back the doing well.... Turns out we're broken up now, she's been hanging out more often with this friend. Soo pretty horrible week.
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A
male
reader, dannn +, writes (18 February 2011):
dannn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell so far so good. Valentines day was amazing. We've done LOTS of talking, she had a huge exam last week so now that that's done some stress is relieved. She's also moving out of her place to head back home at the end of the month so lots of changes happening in her life. As for the friend he's supposedly "just a friend" she's thinks I'd really like him and be friends (but I really don't want to be friends with the dude, so not happening) other than that she's hung out with him, seen a movie and such.. But I'm learning to let go, and not be jealous. Which is a a tad tough at times but I'm working on it. As for the BDSM we're planning on going to a rope workshop/play party in the next week, so we'll see how that goes (I've never been). So lots of ups and downs at the moment, just trying to get through it all.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Letting her continue to talk to people on the web is a good compromise. Being invited to meet people for no sex is a goodd compromise.
Wanting to sleep alone and being to busy to see you, is a relationship in trouble.
Sigh.. time to talk again. Where is this relationship going, and what type of girlfriend wants to sleep at home?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (11 February 2011):
That's a really bad sign. Either she's taking you for granted, or something else is up. She won't even share the bed with you? Might be time to exit before she picks up an STD to give to you.
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A
male
reader, dannn +, writes (11 February 2011):
dannn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a side note. the other day she actually met up with a dude from the social networking site... She says he's really cool and I should meet him (so she's not trying to hide anything). But we haven't been spending as many nights together which disappoints me and when I invite her over she says she wants to have the bed to herself.. Yet she meets up with other dudes in a moments notice?
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A
male
reader, dannn +, writes (11 February 2011):
dannn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I talked to my girlfriend over lunch today about it and she was fairly understanding. She was upset that I wasn't clear about it in the beginning and for going back on what I had inferred earlier, but she understood my point of view and was ok with it. She understands my concern over the social networking but will continue to use it, she clarified that she isn't looking for someone new, is just friendly and likes meeting new people and such (unfortunately most of the people want her sexually..). But such is life and I can't control my girlfriends social life, i'm just going to have to learn to trust her more and curb any jealousy.
Soo things look fairly well, we'll have to wait and see, looks like I'm going to have to make friends with some kinky people unfortunately but seems like she's sticking to me which I'm stoked about.
Thanks for all the feedback!!! Really appreciate it! and if anyone has anything else they'd like to add by all means love to hear it :)
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A
male
reader, dannn +, writes (11 February 2011):
dannn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I talked to my girlfriend over lunch today about it and she was fairly understanding. She was upset that I wasn't clear about it in the beginning and for going back on what I had inferred earlier, but she understood my point of view and was ok with it. She understands my concern over the social networking but will continue to use it, she clarified that she isn't looking for someone new, is just friendly and likes meeting new people and such (unfortunately most of the people want her sexually..). But such is life and I can't control my girlfriends social life, i'm just going to have to learn to trust her more and curb any jealousy.
Soo things look fairly well, we'll have to wait and see, looks like I'm going to have to make friends with some kinky people unfortunately but seems like she's sticking to me which I'm stoked about.
Thanks for all the feedback!!! Really appreciate it! and if anyone has anything else they'd like to add by all means love to hear it :)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 February 2011):
These types of lifestyle can't work if both people don't feel happy. Tell her exactly what you told us, tell us you don't feel comfortable and it's freaking you out. There's nothing wrong with that. She however sounds very interested, so you'll have to sit down and think of some compromise. Don't agree to anything that will upset you. If you want a monogamous relationship with her, then demand it. There are tons of other things you can BOTH do together to keep your sex life exciting. If she can't accept this or wants to continue without you, I suggest you break up, you are two different people with different interests.
Your right for being open minded with your partner, and your right to know your limits and refuse to do anything uncomfortable.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 February 2011):
You two need to set some rules and boundaries that you BOTH agree to PRIOR to even doing anything else.
YOU need to come clean and be honest about how you feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): i'm really sory that you started this. you dont sound like you deserve it, eventhough you had good intentions.i dont think its something you can control. you just have to talk it out. she'll either understand and be happy that you share how your feeling about things and think about changing her ways, or maybe not. but dont put yourself down. if its a recent thing then im sure it'll calm down in no time. i just think if she loves you and wants to keep you she'd sacrifice her little obsessison for you. if not then you know what your dealing with and its more about whether you feel you are able to cope with her acting like she is, or having the ocurage to find someone who is on your wavelength and finds you feelings important. i hope it all works out well, either way you can be happy. good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): i'm really sory that you started this. you dont sound like you deserve it, eventhough you had good intentions.i dont think its something you can control. you just have to talk it out. she'll either understand and be happy that you share how your feeling about things and think about changing her ways, or maybe not. but dont put yourself down. if its a recent thing then im sure it'll calm down in no time. i just think if she loves you and wants to keep you she'd sacrifice her little obsessison for you. if not then you know what your dealing with and its more about whether you feel you are able to cope with her acting like she is, or having the ocurage to find someone who is on your wavelength and finds you feelings important. i hope it all works out well, either way you can be happy. good luck!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 February 2011):
I agree mostly with natasia. You just need to talk it out. What it sounds like to me, is that things are happening too fast for your liking and it's beginning to make you very uncomfortable. That's understandable. I've found that the best way to approach this kind of thing is to focus on your own feelings regarding the situation. Also, gather your thoughts ahead of time so that you know what you want to talk about. If you treat it like she's doing something wrong, she will likely get defensive and it will cause a fight. If you say what you are feeling and you want to solve it BEFORE it becomes a "real" problem, then you're looking out for the best interest of the relationship. It's a subtle difference, but an important one.
There's no reason you can't keep exploring some of these things, but you need to hop out of light speed for a while. Not everyone adjusts at the same pace, and her excitement is understandably making you nervous.
Tell her how you're feeling, and propose a solution you think will help. I hope she's receptive. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Leodjoneluv +, writes (10 February 2011):
 If you are wreck now by her talking to people. Wait until you see her sleeping with another man and she is enjoying it. You better leave that alone. It may change the way you two view each other.
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A
female
reader, ashley187 +, writes (10 February 2011):
 I can tell just by the way you are talking that if you have as much as one threesome your relationship will be over because you arent the type of person to be okay with sharing your lady. I don't blame you. Most people couldn't handle that. You just need to tell her that just the thought of someone else even touching her is too much and you are afraid that it will ruin what you have. Remember once it happens, you cant take it back. And you will be left angry and hurt. If she still trys to pursue it after you have told her how you feel; she may not be the one for you.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Oh dear. Difficult one. You have opened the door to another world, and unfortunately you didn't (a) expect your girl to run happily off into the fray and (b) for it to be quite such a weird world.
I think it's pretty clear how she is feeling. The whole idea of total sexual openness, multiple partners, exploration, etc, has gone to her head, and she is off. You, on the other hand, are upset, jealous and panicking that you will now lose her at worst, or at best have to join in with her having S&M sex with lots of other people, some of whom are not your cup of tea at all, because if you don't join in, she'll go ahead without you anyhow.
What can you do?
Only one thing, really. Tell her how you feel. Tell her it is not at all what you want. Tell her it really upsets you. Tell her you want it all to stop and to go back to just fantasies between the two of you. Ban all conversations on the net, etc, and stop all of these meetings.
She will either drop it and stay with you, or say no sorry I really am into this and do it anyhow. To be honest you don't, unfortunately, have a lot of control over this now. It will be up to her. But as you wouldn't be able to cope with her doing this, you have nothing to lose by giving her your ultimatum. If you don't do it, she will forge ahead and you will be in pieces. If you do give her your ultimatum, there is a chance she might listen and stop.
Sorry. That's my honest opinion. : (
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (10 February 2011):
Well without getting into too much of a psychoanalysis, its fairly common that people who seek an exploration of sexual kinks (especially polygamy) are either uninterested in their current relationship, or lack confidence in the excitement of their work-a-day lives so they feel they need to make up for their boring day life by developing an overbearing exciting night life.You need to find out which this is. Is it her career/school/social life that she's insecure about? Or is she bored with your relationship? Either way, she seems to be more committed to satisfying her own needs over yours. She's finding that level of excitement she craves, and she's finding it without you. The only real solution is to sit her down and talk about it. Don't say it in passing, or mention it when you're both free; try and schedule a good time to really sit down and unwind your entire relationship. Together, you can search through the roots of your relationship. Analyze how things began, where they currently are, and most importantly where things are going. Tell her you're worried about her new found "obsession" (you may want to stray away from using that word) mostly because she's putting you on the back burner. She's finding physical excitement from others who are not you and its hurting you.Its good that you are open to trying new things, but this could be damaging the more she gets involved. She's obviously found a new system to relinquish her sexual attention and its leaving you feeling unwanted. Make sure she knows this and note how she responds. If she genuinely cares about your feelings and about the relationship you two share, she'll be eager to find a solution.
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