A
male
age
30-35,
*ndy00
writes:Hi everyone, just looking for some advice.Myself and my girlfriend broke up yesterday. We knew that it was on the horizon though, because we are both at university and I am in my final year and will hence be moving away in the summer. She is in her first of three or four years, so we decided that it was best to end things now so that she can establish some happy memories of this town that don't involve me so that when she comes back she doesn't associate everything with me. As much as it hurts, I know that it's for the best.But she is such an amazing girl. I've met some pretty amazing women in my young life, but she is on a whole other level. I've loved before, my longest relationship (outside of a 2 year long distance relationship in my mid-teens) was 9 months long and was broken up by similar circumstances. I've been with my recent ex for just under 5 months, but I love her so much. I've never met anyone who gives off the same vibe she does. She's such a positive girl, always smiling and laughing, she's just wonderful.I can't rule out us getting back together in a few years time after university is over (though I accept that it isn't at all likely because it's a long time to wait), I know that I need to try to come to terms with the fact that we've broken up, but I need to know how to go through the transition from boyfriend to just friend. She wants me to stay in her life and I made a promise that I would try to, but if that's going to possible I must make this transition.What advice can you give me? It's still a few months before I leave this town, so I will still see her during this time and I would hate for things to be awkward. Please tell me how I can become her friend. She doesn't want to lose me and so I really don't want to mess this up. She means that much to me. Any advice will be helpful, many thanks!
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (26 February 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow, that does sound rough. I know for sure that I'd struggle if faced with that situation.
I feel like it's just too soon for me to know what I want. I really like my ex, I adore her in fact, and going from being a lover to a friend is not going to be easy. I don't want to see her with somebody else, but I know it's a distinct possibility that she will and I have to accept that. Thankfully we aren't part of the same circle of friends like you were. We each have our own groups who we can stick to and depend on. I expect to see and talk to her a lot less in the coming weeks and deep down I find it all really sad, but I guess it has to be done.
I know it's daft, but I also try to look to the future, after university when we have less commitments. If there was ever a time where we could give things another try, I wouldn't hesitate to do it. Having said that, I know that I can't put my life on hold or wait for her. Timing is everything when it comes to relationships, and our timing just wasn't right this time. Do you think there's any harm in hoping for something in the future? Keeping in mind that I completely accept that there is very little chance of it. I know I probably won't feel like this after a reasonable amount of time has past, but for now it's something that I hope for someday, even if it is highly unlikely. Your thoughts? Thank you so much for the continued responses as well, I really appreciate you letting me vent.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Which time? LOL
The most recent was quite a few years ago now. When I was in college, there was a girl in our friend circle who started showing an interest in me. We flirted a lot, started dating. We had lots of fun. The relationship was very intense. After a couple of months though, we realized it wasn't going to work out. She had a lot of unresolved trust issues from an ex who cheated on her, and I was receiving the brunt of it. We decided that the relationship wouldn't work, despite the very strong sexual attraction. Since we had a lot of mutual friends, we wanted to remain friends. I didn't think it would be a big deal. I was very wrong.
I was hurt by the break up, but I understood it too. I had good friends who helped me cope and made me feel better. Things were actually going quite well, and her and I started talking again as friends after a couple of weeks.
Then she started dating someone. I didn't realize how much I still cared for her until that happened. I couldn't be happy for her, in fact it made me sick. Partially because of who she chose, and partially because she started down a very self destructive road because of him. She started drinking heavily, doing lots of drugs, blowing off things that had been important to her. You name it. Our friend circle was worried at first, and then basically shunned her. Then, they broke up.
One night, we were out again together and she got really drunk. We had an ice storm that night, and I knew it would be difficult for her to get home. Since the bar was only 2 blocks from my apartment, I invited her to stay. I gave her my bed and went to go and sleep on the couch. As I was leaving I heard, "Where are you going? Come lay by me." I knew it was a bad idea, but how could I resist? Waking up with her in my arms felt like heaven. I was happy, thinking she may have gotten past the stuff that separated us before. WRONG! She felt awful about it. She said it never should have happened. Crushed again.
We managed to be friends, but every time I saw her, I couldn't help but think about our time together. There really is no going backward in my eyes. I always wanted what we had, even though we missed our moment. It only stopped hurting when I didn't see her and lost touch after I moved away.
Our friendship was never like it was before sex was involved either. It never could be. I wanted more, and couldn't help how I felt. She didn't want the same, so it was easier for me not to see her anymore. I think it was easier for her too, because she didn't really fight it.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (25 February 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe way I see it, in 4 months time, I never have to see her again if I wish. Some time before we broke up she asked me if I would stay in touch if for any reason things didn't work out. I said that I would if that's what she wanted and it was, so I made a promise to her that I would stay in her life. As a tribute to the amount of good times we had and to show how much she means to me, i really want to keep my promise.
I really appreciate your response, dirtball. Would you mind telling me about the similar problems you faced?
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 "I want to give friendship a try" Ok, great! Ask her to do 'friend' things with you. Keep it light and fun. Maybe have a few things in mind to do so you could do one or two things like meet for coffee and take your coffee on a walk.
"I miss her terribly though. Through the day I've found myself getting teary eyed over nothing. I hate this. I love her so much." I think you might be deeply in love with this woman.
"I know that things would have only fallen apart if we tried to keep the relationship going after i moved" How do you make God laugh? Tell him what will happen tomorrow. In other words, how do you know this for sure?
"I never know how often to be in touch with her. I think it's awful going from texting dozens of times a day to none at all." So even it out and text at least a few times a day. Don't go crazy and text a lot but don't text none at all. I'd keep your texts light and a little on the 'goofy' side.
"this WILL get easier over time right?" It WILL get easier over time, unless she's your soul mate. If she is your soul mate then you are SUNK my friend. (I used to make very hard, mean jokes about males who used this term. When I was 45, in the words of Robert Plant, 'everything changed'.) I truly wish you all the best and hope you find some peace within soon.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 February 2011):
Yes, time and space will help heal the wounds. The problem is, that as friends, when you see her, they will likely reopen. That's always been my problem. That's why it's almost easier to cut the person out of your life until the healing process is done. Thing is, it probably won't be done in just 4 months.
You're in a really tough spot. Having been through similar situations I know how badly it sucks.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (25 February 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers. I want to give friendship a try, but I know that I have to be careful, and I want you to know that I won't put myself through something if I find it too difficult. I leave town in about 4 months so I'd like to think I can last that long without it all becoming too overwhelming.
I miss her terribly though. Through the day I've found myself getting teary eyed over nothing. I hate this. I love her so much. I know that things would have only fallen apart if we tried to keep the relationship going after i moved and it wouldn't be fair on us and I accept that, but that also makes it harder.
I never know how often to be in touch with her. I think it's awful going from texting dozens of times a day to none at all. I'm just no good at this. Also, one of her favourite songs is stuck in my head day and night now. Worse still, it's a sad song. I dunno... this WILL get easier over time right? Please, any additional comment is welcome, they are of great comfort to me in this tough time!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 February 2011):
I doubt you'll ever be able to be her true friend. How will you feel when she's dating, or asking for advice with guys. It's not like you don't still have feelings for her.
You need to be honest with yourself about what you think you can handle and put boundaries and limits on your friendship with her. For example, make it a rule that she not talk to you about other guys she's interested in.
Even with rules like this in place, it will be very hard. Every time I've tried something like this, I end up distancing myself from her because it's too hard for me. You can't fight what you feel, and denying it just makes it worse.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (24 February 2011):
Sometimes love isn't so convenient, and it sucks. I'm really sorry to hear that things had to end on such circumstances. It sounds like you two really care for one another; its sad to see outside forces tear apart something so wonderful. I'm sort of a believer that love can overcome anything, but it takes a LOT of work from both people involved. But I think for now you are making a good decision. She still has a ton of things to experience, seeing as she's only entered her first year of University, and its nice that you are giving her a chance to be a part of them without being tied down with a long distance relationship (they aren't for everyone)
At this point, I'd say try and make things as casual as possible. First, I'd make sure you sit her down and explain that you want to transition into being friends. Ask her what she thinks the appropriate first step is. Is it a few weeks to yourselves? Is it to go immediately to a casual friendship? Is it to decide to only hang out with one another if you're in a group? That's up for both of you to decide. I guarantee if you both talk it over, it will leave both of you a lot less hurt and confused about what is going on between you.
Overall, its no fun to go through, and again, I'm sorry it has to happen. Keep in contact and maybe in a few years you'll both be surprised at where life leads you. Either way, I hope for the best.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (24 February 2011):
"How do I make the transition from boyfriend to friend?" It has been my experience that you don't. This is entirely up to the woman to do. I wouldn't initiate any texts, emails, phone calls etc. but I would always let her know you are very happy to hear from her and respond accordingly. It has also been my experience that there are a lot of negative people so if you're always sincerely upbeat and happy to hear from her it could be a wonderful friendship! I wish you all the best!
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