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*irtball agony aunt

*irtball

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*irtball's profile:

Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.

Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.

ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!

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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.

_____________________________________________

I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)

DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)

Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.

Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.

Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.

People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.

Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?

People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.

You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.

When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.

When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.

Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.

I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.

____________________________________________

This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html

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Dirtball Rants:

1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.

2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.

____________________________________________

Abreviations.

I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.

OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.

BF - Boyfriend

GF - Girlfriend

SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.

BTW - By the way

FWIW - For what it's worth

TBH - To be honest

IDC - I Don't Care

IDK - I Don't Know

IMHO - In My Humble Opinion

IMO - In My Opinion

IOW - In Other Words

THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples)

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What makes a man "good at screwing"?

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A.   8 February 2011: Yeah, this is definitely something you DON'T want to be in the middle of. You can try telling her how uncomfortable you feel being put in the middle of this. This is a very messy situation that I don't see ending well for anyone. Can you and your ... (read in full...)

My friend is going to ask my crush who he likes!

Q.   Hey guys! I've got a problem. I really like this guy and he just broke up with his girlfriend because he didn't love her and he loves someone else! The thing is he knows I fancy him and won't stop annoying me about it and keeps saying my name in a ...

A.   8 February 2011: What good is a crush if you don't do anything about it? I think, instead of this friend asking him who he likes, you should go ask him out. Do it quick, before some other girl snags him up!... (read in full...)

Had lots of unprotected sex and never got pregnant....does this mean I wont be able to have kids in the future?

Q.   There's this guy that I have sex with a lot. He cums inside me all the time...but I have never gotten pregnant once. I'm 13 years old (I know I'm wayyyy too young for sex) but I mean...why cant I get pregnant? I don't want to at all but I mean can I ...

A.   8 February 2011: Lots of unprotected sex, no birth control, and don't want to get pregnant... Great plan there! Way to show us how bright the future of this country is. ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend through me into the snow during an argument! I'm not sure what to think!

Q.   I was walking outside with my boyfriend of 6 months, when we got into a small disagreement. We were holding hands, when he suddenly flung me across his body and into the snow on the side of the road. I landed, unhurt, but shaken. He is much stronger ...

A.   8 February 2011: Well, this obviously wasn't done in a joking manner, so it is a very bad sign indeed. People who can't control their emotions can be very dangerous. Today it was a shove into the snowbank, next it will be a shove into the wall. Then an ... (read in full...)

Will our different religious beliefs clash too much? And would he compromise his beliefs about sex?

Q.   Hello there, agony aunts. (: I have had a relatively close male friend who I have known for several years. We went to high school together and have always gotten on great. Almost the whole time I knew him, I had been with my ex boyfriend (who I...

A.   8 February 2011: Such dramatically different beliefs can only survive in a relationship if you can agree to not try and change each other. The good ol' "agree to disagree" compromise. I'm agnostic (borderline athiest) and I haven't had problems with dating ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend broke up with me, but he's giving me mixed signals! Do we have a chance?

Q.   My boyfriend just broke up with me right on our one year mark. We had a great relationship, and I didn't think anything was wrong. We lived together too. He said he just wants to be single right now. He said he wants to be single for the next 5 y...

A.   8 February 2011: I think you should move on. Being friends with an ex is also nearly impossible. His behavior is proof of that. He passed on something that could have been great. Time to find someone who won't pass you up.... (read in full...)

Is this friendship really worth keeping?

Q.   This is not a relationship, love or sex question. This is strictly a friendship question. I've been close to a friend of mine for almost 10 years, and we've confided in each other about a host of things. From boyfriends to family and career ...

A.   8 February 2011: I tend to take a step back. Before that step back I remind them of our friendship, and that I'll always be there for them whenever they feel like coming around, but for now I'm stepping away. It sometimes happens, and I've found it's best to ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend doesn't trust me... I can't even go for a beer with friends!

Q.   Hey guys i need some advice. I have been with my gf for about 3 years now. We have a 2 year old together. Life is tough. We used to fight ALOT! I used to have to call my mom and dad and tell them to come over to our place and referee it it got so b...

A.   7 February 2011: If you want this relationship to work, you two need some councelling. Her trust issues are unhealthy for both of you. They need to be addressed in order for you two to be happy.... (read in full...)

Why did you even ask?

Q.   What brought you to Dear Cupid? Most likely it's because of some problem in your life or relationship. That's how most of us stumbled upon this place. You came here hoping that these anon people on the internet could offer you some insight into ...

A.   28 January 2011: Thanks CaringGuy, I'm the same way. When someone lashes out, it shows us their true character. I'll often poke them a bit after that too. It not only helps provide a little satisfaction, but can often provoke some truth out of an OP that they ... (read in full...)

Why did you even ask?

Q.   What brought you to Dear Cupid? Most likely it's because of some problem in your life or relationship. That's how most of us stumbled upon this place. You came here hoping that these anon people on the internet could offer you some insight into ...

A.   27 January 2011: Thanks Odds, and you bring up a very good point. Sometimes the aunts do get vicious. I know I have. Other times certain topics bring it out *cough* porn *cough*. You see people getting on their soapbox ignoring the question the OP asked to spout ... (read in full...)

Why did you even ask?

Q.   What brought you to Dear Cupid? Most likely it's because of some problem in your life or relationship. That's how most of us stumbled upon this place. You came here hoping that these anon people on the internet could offer you some insight into ...

A.   26 January 2011: Thanks again everyone who's contributing here. angelDlite, I think it's natural to get defensive for the person you love when others are attacking them, even if you know what they are saying is true. Right or wrong, it's part of human nature. ... (read in full...)

Why did you even ask?

Q.   What brought you to Dear Cupid? Most likely it's because of some problem in your life or relationship. That's how most of us stumbled upon this place. You came here hoping that these anon people on the internet could offer you some insight into ...

A.   26 January 2011: "Had a bad day honeypie..." Not at all Mia. Nobody in particular sparked this, I just felt it needed to be said. I've seen more and more OP's lashing out lately and it got me thinking, that's all. Thanks for the kind words everyone. Any o... (read in full...)

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