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*indyCares agony aunt

*indyCares

Italy  (Female   XML/RSS

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*indyCares's profile:

Hi everybody. I am an Italian woman currently living in Italy but I spent many years in England and USA. I hope my English is still decent but in case it got a little rusty, please be lenient.

My age ? Let say that I am way past the stage when you cry if the boy you like takes your best friend to the prom, and young enough to remember how awful that feels.

What qualifies me to help people- well, let me show off just a bit and mention that I studied Psychology 4 years in college, and, even if then I graduated in a different subject, I never lost my interest in psychology and kept reading a lot about this subject. Yet that does not really qualify me for anything because intellectual knowledge is not the same as real life experience. So let's say I feel I can advice people because I have lived a lot, travelled a lot, met a lot of people from all backgrounds , races and religions- I have loved a lot, and I have also been dumped a lot :)

Plus, I am really fascinated with people and their stories. Not in a gossipy way. I just find that every person is a whole new world that I am excited to discover.

Right now I am single- and happily so. I realized- better late than never - that rather than waiting for Prince Charming I should first become a Princess myself. You can't love anybody unconditionally, if first you don't love yourself unconditionally, and this is what I am learning to do.

Looking forward to hear from all of you..

Ciao

Cindy

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Late life dilemma.

Q.   I have a dilemma I hope somebody can help me with. My partner and are both 61. We've been together 4yrs and are now engaged. The problem is that we live 35 miles apart and I am the one who does all the travelling. This is due to the fact that my ...

A.   14 April 2014:  OP, it's not that I want to challenge your right to feel unsettled about anything you want,.. I am just curious, since I can't exactly figure out what the problem is. You go reach a guy you like and care about. You already have there half of your ... (read in full...)

Loud sex noises at boyfriend's house and now I'm afraid to leave the bedroom!

Q.   Cringe!!!!! Went out with my boyfriend last night for my birthday and had a few too many drinks. Were staying at his parents for awhile. Came home and had two lengthy sex sessions that involved a little bit of (amateur) BDSM (rope leather and LOUD ...

A.   12 April 2014: Pretend as if nothing happened. It was just sex between consenting adults , after all . Although, next time I'd be careful and I'd keep down either the alcohol intake or the noise level ,or both. Parents do not expect a 30something couple to be ce... (read in full...)

The guy doesn't seem to know what he wants and I'm not into playing games. Should I just forget it?

Q.   Hi , I need some honest advice . Dated a guy for three months ( he was waiting on his divorce to be finalised ) . He then sends by text the old line " It's not you , it's me ...I am not ready for any kind of relationship " . I felt annoyed ...

A.   12 April 2014:  Avoid. It sounds it's just all code for " let's see if I can string you along while I get you to have sex with you casually and occasionally and I keep procrastinaring forever the day when this ccmmon future of ours starts...".... (read in full...)

How can I get my ex to actually talk to me about the way he feels about me?

Q.   How do can I get my ex to actually talk to me about the way he feels towards me? I recently broke up with my boyfriend and not on good terms I basically wrote to him on Facebook messages that I was cheating on him and it's best if we called it ...

A.   12 April 2014: I don't know if you'd *really * want to know what he has to say about you now... it can't be anything very nice... Cerberus did not put too fine a point on things, but yes he is absolutely right, his description of what substantially you have... (read in full...)

Late life dilemma.

Q.   I have a dilemma I hope somebody can help me with. My partner and are both 61. We've been together 4yrs and are now engaged. The problem is that we live 35 miles apart and I am the one who does all the travelling. This is due to the fact that my ...

A.   11 April 2014:  That's just me, but... I think you have it rich and you don't even know it. I would not change a thing, personally :). You have the pleasure and comfort of a steady relationship, and you also have your freedom and independence , and you get to ... (read in full...)

How do I gain his friendship back?

Q.   I asked one of my closest friends "W" if he liked anyone because I like him and he said that question crosses the boundary and that we talked about boundaries. I told him that we did talk about boundaries but never set them, which was true. He got ...

A.   11 April 2014:  But you SHOULD have kept your mouth shut. It's not as if he had confided you that he was planning to steal G's mother's silverware, or poison G's dog, and by warning her you have prevented a crime ! You simply have reported , out of context ... (read in full...)

I thought he just wanted sex, so why would he text me afterward?

Q.   I met a guy on a dating site . We text each other for a while and exchanged pictures . He asked if I wanted to meet up and stay the night at his and have a bit of fun . I agreed . When I met him he was really quiet and gave one word answers . I ...

A.   11 April 2014:  So, he asked you to stay the night... but he ended up with NOT letting you stay the night uh ? he barely had patience enough to see the end of the movie with you, then he decided it was time to put you out by the scruff of your neck, basically ... (read in full...)

This incident made me question whether our core values are in sync

Q.   I feel very disappointed in my girlfriend of almost 4 years yesterday, but I don't think she understands the core issue (or maybe it's not an issue). We are 29 and 28. We were in a car driving to a birthday event about an hour away with my gir...

A.   11 April 2014: This might be slightly off topic, since after all it is quite possible that the OP's hungry man was actually what he seemed, a poor,destitute , helpless authentically hungry homeless man. ( Although, I doubt it: accosting motorists is a ... (read in full...)

Questions about dating

Q.   OK, so the last time I wrote a question it came off as a bit ham-fisted, a little bit clumsy but I'll get it right this time. In terms of dating, I have some questions. It's more a numbered list than a general question. These are NOT "how do ...

A.   11 April 2014: Whoa, I hope you would not get that comment often, that's the type of comment which can end in a fistfight even in laid back, easy going Italy... Anyway : established, as Tisha says , that's way too early to worry about that since you haven't got ... (read in full...)

He used to be annoying but he's changed and now I have a crush on him

Q.   So yeah our story is a bit complicated. Sad is it not? It started me really not liking him and I mean REALLY not liking him because he was so annoying, rude, haughty and just blech. Always sticking his hand in my face, poking my sides, blowing in my ...

A.   11 April 2014:  I agree with Ciar, apparently he has changed but not that much, he still gets a kick out of teasing you and needling you, just he now does it in a subtler way rather than by poking and sticking his hands in your face. He knows you have a crus... (read in full...)

How do I gain his friendship back?

Q.   I asked one of my closest friends "W" if he liked anyone because I like him and he said that question crosses the boundary and that we talked about boundaries. I told him that we did talk about boundaries but never set them, which was true. He got ...

A.   11 April 2014: 18 ? Frankly, I doubt it. Anyway: he did not throw away your friendship over something stupid, he threw it away over a big indiscretion and breach of trust. What do you expect, OP ? He tells you something private and confidential, and first thin... (read in full...)

After the second date with my friend the man's profile now says he's seeking a woman who makes $50,000 a year

Q.   my friend need advice. its almost two weeks ago she met a guy online. they both like each other. after there secand date the guy told my friend he dont talk with other girls who are online. but she saw him many time online. then suddenlly , he upd...

A.   11 April 2014: Eh nowadays there would not be much to sponge off from 50000 a year ( before taxes,I suppose ). Deduct taxes, deduct rent or mortgage, ...food , utilities , car , gas,clothing, health insurance... what's left makes for a very low cost gigolo who's ... (read in full...)

How do I deal with my stubborn mother-in-law?

Q.   My husband and I dated for 7 years and married for 4 years with 3 children. He was a very obedient son he will never make any decisions without his mom's input. We lived together for 2 years in an apartment (both worked) until his mom talked him ...

A.   10 April 2014:  My shortest advice ever here on Dc :move out. NOW.... (read in full...)

I'd like to get back together with him, but I feel like I'm getting mixed messages

Q.   Please help Boyfriend split up with me. We had decided to stay friends cause he said it was cause he had two jobs and owed money and was too stressed out for a relationship and we might go out again later on. We were still talking now and then and...

A.   10 April 2014: He is the one who SAID he wanted to stay friends etc.etc. Don't take the old " let's stay friends " so literally. In a small minority of cases, they mean it- and they show they mean it by backing it up with actions , and actually treating you ... (read in full...)

Questions about dating

Q.   OK, so the last time I wrote a question it came off as a bit ham-fisted, a little bit clumsy but I'll get it right this time. In terms of dating, I have some questions. It's more a numbered list than a general question. These are NOT "how do ...

A.   10 April 2014: 1)This is easy, if it's the next town- then it's not your town and it's not local. Yeah well, I imagine there also are places where the next town is 3 miles away, so it would be another town and still local, but an hour is a commute, it would ... (read in full...)

Is it usual practice to do STD tests for male infertility? Should I get tested too?

Q.   My boyfriend went to the doctors for a general check up. He told the doctor that he was thinking of having kids in a couple of years, but didn't want to find out if he had fertility issues when it was too late so he asked if there was any way of ...

A.   10 April 2014:  Some STDs can cause male infertility, so if he had one AND then he resulted infertile, he would know why. Then again, he would not know if he has infertility issues before a sperm analysiss ( assessing sperm count, sperm motility , etc. ) So... (read in full...)

Dream wedding and budget woes, am I asking for too much?

Q.   My fiance and I will be together for four years the end of June. We got engaged the end of this January and I wanted to figure things out with my education before we got into the thick of wedding planning. I'll graduate with my Bachelor's in English ...

A.   10 April 2014:  Good news. Out of curiosity, I typed " wedding on a 3000 $ budget " and it just oozes with entries from different wedding forums and weddings sites, with suggestions to stay within that price range. It looks literally like a few hours of peru... (read in full...)

Are cheaters always cheaters?

Q.   My ex constantly cheated when we were dating. I was even the one he cheated on his ex with. I forgave him everytime because I loved him and thought he loved me to death according to the commitment he gave and he would beg his parents and friends to ...

A.   10 April 2014:  Do cheater never change ? .. Well, never is a long time, -never say never. It's a matter of probability, though. Same as, of course not ALL the tourists who take a stroll in a bad neighborood of a big city at 4.am., sporting gold watches and ... (read in full...)

Texting--am I asking for too much?

Q.   My bf and I text throught the day and everuthing is fine but sometimes he disappears and doesnt txt me back in a long time, and when ge returns he said he went to do something. I dislike it a lot, because I think he should be courteous and ...

A.   10 April 2014: You are asking too much. You are asking something slightly maniacal, IMO. Precisely because your text convo is daily and ongoing- when you don't hear from him right away, just presume that he remembered he has life with other tasks, inte... (read in full...)

He won't spend any time with my friends or family? I have to beg for him to do so!

Q.   Hey everyone so I have a question. my boyfriend and i have been together for a year and two months. We live together as well. The problem is he wont go around my friends or family at all like he used to and he doesnt take me around his friends ...

A.   9 April 2014: Well, no, it does not sound very normal. Particularly because it wasn't always like that from the start, so there has been a change- and change means something , even if we don't realize it. Frankly I have no idea , though, what has changed, all ... (read in full...)

Do men find a curved tummy a turn off?

Q.   I was wondering if men find a curved tummy a turn off? I'm not overweight by any means (although I used to be), nor am I particularly thin. I'm probably relatively average for girls my age in my country (about size 10, 5ft7/170cm, 65kg/143lb)but my ...

A.   9 April 2014: I'll come in your help by quoting one more from my abundant stock of popular Italian sayings : " A woman with no tummy is like a sky with no stars ". I.e. : ok, sky is always nice, but without that little sensual curve, it's sort of lackluster. ... (read in full...)

Hold on to the memories? Or try to rekindle the relationahip?

Q.   I'll keep this short. So me and this guy that i was involved with (casually hanging out and having sex) got into a huge fight. It was about me wanting to date and get to know him and he basically didn't want that and that it was all just physical...

A.   9 April 2014:  Uh how much drama for a fuck buddy situation. OP this guy made clear from the start that he was in it for the sex only, and wanted nothing more emotional to do with you. All the rest are embroideries which you are adding on, about the exte... (read in full...)

Should I tell a girl I like her even though she has a boyfriend now?

Q.   I have liked this girl for over a year almost 2. I am 25 she's in her 30's. We have got along well, she has always given me those "looks" she always laughs when she's talking to me and can be touchy. Thing is I wasn't sure as she's kinda flirty with ...

A.   9 April 2014:  Jeez OP do you need to get laid THAT bad ? ...You are living in few months, there will be plenty of girls- single girls - there too. Why do you need to mess up with this one ?. If she has changed and is committed to her bf, she'll be annoyed, or ... (read in full...)

My soon-to-be-deported husband is spending my money on his mother and told me not to spend it on my own parents! Any ideas what to do?

Q.   My husband is to be deported and is currently detained by immigration. I have financially supported him for a long time now and also whilst he is in immigration detention i have sent money and visited 3 times per week. He has been detained now for ...

A.   9 April 2014:  But you SHOULD mind buying his mother and family things, why don't you mind ? I am not talking of course of the random birthday present , but why in the world you should spoil and pamper his family , just because you work and earn, and he can't ... (read in full...)

My wife told me about her past sex life and now I can't even look at her

Q.   My wife told me of her sex life before, she would go on no strings attached websites and meet men ...3 sums , now I feel sick my wife was passed around groups and used as a sex toy and she loved it , now I can't even look at her, what should I do?...

A.   8 April 2014:  The man who cheated on his ex wife was legally married to his ex wife, and had committed himself , in front of witnesses, to stay faithful. He did not have the right to cheat. The OP's wife, at the time of her shenanigans, was not married to t... (read in full...)

Feeling hurt and shocked ... would you forgive this lie in a longterm relationship?

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we are very happy and close, he is my best friend. We are also very loyal to each other, we don't flirt with others and hardly ever go out drinking without each other. We usually only see each other on we...

A.   8 April 2014:  I think you and your bf would need to define what precisely what does it mean " not going out A LOT without each other ". How much itis " a lot " ?. If the imlicit agreement is / was to not go out a lot etc, - he respected : he went out ONCE ... (read in full...)

This incident made me question whether our core values are in sync

Q.   I feel very disappointed in my girlfriend of almost 4 years yesterday, but I don't think she understands the core issue (or maybe it's not an issue). We are 29 and 28. We were in a car driving to a birthday event about an hour away with my gir...

A.   8 April 2014:  If you or the sis were so affected by the plight of this homeless man, why didn't you simply pull out a fiver and hand it to him so he could get his own food ? What better occasion to reaffirm your moral values of social solidariety , than by b... (read in full...)

I don't want anyone but medical staff in the room during delivery!

Q.   I want to be on my own when i give birth in july...i would like my husband anf family waiting but for my own personal reasons i dont want amyone in the room with me (obviousley apart from any midwives or doctors) but i know my husband really wants ...

A.   8 April 2014: 2 - 2 so far. I am with C. Grant. A delivery room is not the place for democracy , compromise, and shows of selfless sensitivity. The mother should reign as one of those barbarian queens of yore : whatever SHE says, goes :). I know that it ... (read in full...)

I support my boyfriend financially, so why does he still complain?

Q.   Why is he always complaining about money and his life? I'm tired:( So my boyfriend had to stop working because his visa expired and he has to wait till he gets his renewed one. He didn't save up while he was working so I've being supporting hi...

A.   8 April 2014: Fishy. He does not need a visa to work in UK, he is a UE citizen ! And he does not need to renew his " carta d'identita' " ( Italian photo ID ) yearly ! It's valid TEN years ! ( 5 if you are under 18 ) . He did not need to wait for it to ex... (read in full...)

A bridal shower the second time around?

Q.   Ok, so if you have been widowed young and get remarried again, is it improper to have a bridal shower if you had one the first time?...

A.   7 April 2014:  Of course , OP, I realize that if your fiance' stepped in for the bridal shower , it's not because he ( or you ) just could not wait to put your greedy hands on a new ironing board , or a new toaster ! He did it because he felt bad for you and ... (read in full...)

A bridal shower the second time around?

Q.   Ok, so if you have been widowed young and get remarried again, is it improper to have a bridal shower if you had one the first time?...

A.   7 April 2014:  I see... then, alas, it's different. A bridal shower is a GIFT GIVING party, you cannot launch your own. It's the bride's best friends and / or bridesmaids that host one ( if they wish of course ). Mothers or other close family members do not ... (read in full...)

I don't have much faith in long term relationships. Any advice?

Q.   I've come here because I have this mental hurdle that I can't seem to overcome even though I do want to... I'm 18 and I don't have much faith in long term relationships...I have been through a few long relationships that failed, one in which wa...

A.   7 April 2014:  Yours is a rather skewed perspective... First of all, how do you know that next time for once it could not be you the one who gets bored after a while and wants something different and does the dumping , thereby breaking some poor guy's hear... (read in full...)

A bridal shower the second time around?

Q.   Ok, so if you have been widowed young and get remarried again, is it improper to have a bridal shower if you had one the first time?...

A.   7 April 2014:  Until a few years ago, it was not considered quite proper to have a bridal shower for a second wedding. But- things change and, let's face it, nowadays around 30% of all marriages are second marriages , so- brideshower all you want, you surely ... (read in full...)

I've lost my sex drive! Is it my medicines?

Q.   Need help my boyfriend wont do anything???? To make me horny?? But back then he didnt have to do anything i was always horny whats wrong with me???? Im 35 is their a womens pill??is it my medicines doing this to me i take alot of sleeping ...

A.   7 April 2014:  I don't know of a drug called kolopin, by if you by any chance meant klonopin it would make sense, it's a powerful benzodiazepine used for anxiety,insomnia, etc. and among its side effects has that of killing your sex drive ( and making orgasms ... (read in full...)

Men: is this a real belief?

Q.   Question for the gentlemen only please :) This doesn't actually relate to me as such, but it's something that I heard and thought was ridiculous. I was talking to my male friend and we were discussing girlfriends and things and I ask...

A.   7 April 2014: No, if a woman sports grey bra straps does not mean she is a liar. It may mean she is cheap, though. When bra straps become grey, it's time to buy a new bra :).... (read in full...)

We broke up but I don't want us to be over!

Q.   I am 19, my ex boyfriend is 20. We were together for 3 years but in January I broke up with him because I felt trapped and I needed to be single to figure myself out. We had an awesome relationship though. We were best friends, we laughed all the ...

A.   7 April 2014:  Poor kid, leave him alone. No to twist the knife in your wound, but... you already broke his heart twice, and even if he were so dumb to risk a third fiasco, - be generous and don't tempt him to do that. No, you can't make yourself love some... (read in full...)

I did the most well known cliché of falling for my friends with benefits.

Q.   I did it. I did the most well known cliché of falling for my friends with benefits. I don't know what to do. All my friends are saying walk away, forget about it, told you so and the usual remarks. Of course I know they are all right but once y...

A.   6 April 2014:  You know perfectly what to do, you just don't want to do it :). It's hard for you, I realize that. On the other hand , FWBs are not for everybody and they only work when both people are exactly on the same page and expect nothing more than mutual ... (read in full...)

Do people want their sexual fantasies to come true?

Q.   I started dating a wonderful guy. We got along fantastically and we were amazing together in bed. By far, the best sex I have had in my life. We connected on very intimate levels, and I was like a magnet to him. He is the nicest guy I have ever ...

A.   6 April 2014: No, not always. It depends, from people and most of all from fantasies. People do not want to live out fantasies that would have important or permanent consequences in their real life. It's the essence , the symbol in the fantasy, what the ... (read in full...)

I want to use this meeting to get closure

Q.   Hi My question is next weekend I will meeting my ex to return his dvds. It’s been 3 months since our breakup and this will be the first time we’ll meet. I am dreading this meet up but another reason to meet up is to get closure. We were togethe...

A.   6 April 2014: So, after a 4 months long ,on total, relationship, and 3 months from breaking up, you want to meet him in person to discuss the hows and whys of the breakup?.... let it go. You are only going to make yourself look ridicolous, and a nuisance. What... (read in full...)

It was as if I was with a zombie.

Q.   Teenage problem. I recently went on a first trip with my friend's daughter who is almost 14. My daughter is grown up and live in a different city. I went to visit her and took my friend' s daughter who I know from her birth. We have, or had very...

A.   6 April 2014:  I agree with Aunt Westie . I understand your frustration, in fact people fiddling with their cell phones during meals drives me insane, so I don't blame you. But, I don't blame your friend either; it's normal that she is ( temporarily ) a bit off ... (read in full...)

Have I ruined my reputation by going on a dating site? Did I need to defend myself?

Q.   Hello everyone I hope you won't be too hard on me. I may have ruined my reputation a little. My sister told me to join a free dating site to sort of distract myself from my boyfriend's absence. So I did and I tried it out even though I was hesitant...

A.   5 April 2014: Yeah I did not get the absent boyfriend either. Absent as in... ? Is/was he temporarily away from you for work or vacations?.. then no, you should not have joined a dating site - you have your date !, even if temporarily absent. Absent,as in not v... (read in full...)

Job interview included working for a full day, for no pay!

Q.   This isnt a relationship question but im hoping someone can help. My niece who is 19 and currently an office temp wants to get in to hairdressing. She saw that a well known salon in our town was looking to hire trainees so she applied - sent h...

A.   5 April 2014:  Short trial work is not illegal in UK, in fact it is rather usual nowadays. BUT, the employer must pay the job applicant minimum wage. Failure to do so entails a hefty fine. ( Unless it's just work shadowing, i.e.following around anoth... (read in full...)

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