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*indyCares agony aunt


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*indyCares's profile:

Hi everybody. I am an Italian woman currently living in Italy but I spent many years in England and USA. I hope my English is still decent but in case it got a little rusty, please be lenient.

My age ? Let say that I am way past the stage when you cry if the boy you like takes your best friend to the prom, and young enough to remember how awful that feels.

What qualifies me to help people- well, let me show off just a bit and mention that I studied Psychology 4 years in college, and, even if then I graduated in a different subject, I never lost my interest in psychology and kept reading a lot about this subject. Yet that does not really qualify me for anything because intellectual knowledge is not the same as real life experience. So let's say I feel I can advice people because I have lived a lot, travelled a lot, met a lot of people from all backgrounds , races and religions- I have loved a lot, and I have also been dumped a lot :)

Plus, I am really fascinated with people and their stories. Not in a gossipy way. I just find that every person is a whole new world that I am excited to discover.

Right now I am single- and happily so. I realized- better late than never - that rather than waiting for Prince Charming I should first become a Princess myself. You can't love anybody unconditionally, if first you don't love yourself unconditionally, and this is what I am learning to do.

Looking forward to hear from all of you..



Latest articles:

Devastation in Italy

This question has 2 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

26 August 2016: This has got nothing to do with romance or relationships or love- maybe with love for our fellow human beings, i.e. solidariety and compassion , so I hope that the mods will publish this regardless. On August 24th a devastating eartquak...

Ten best ways for a woman to be given her walking papers.

This question has 7 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

19 August 2014: Yeah I know : ultimately love is a mystery, not an exact science. There's always an element of sheer luck, of serendipity, of magic in it. Some times you do everything right, by the book, you are the perfect gf / wife / lover .. and you still get ...

< Prev1234567891011Next > [256 pages, 10207 answers]

Do I keep trying to contact him? Or cut contact despite his debts to me?

Q.   Dear Cupid. I think I know the answer but I need some advice... So, I have been helping out an ex from seven years ago with rent while he's jobless for the last six months (He rents out a room in a house) (I offered to help him) on top ...

A.   9 November 2017: The police can't do anything for you. You don't even have a receipt for the money you lent him, he can deny that he ever got anything from you, or say that it was a gift ! How would you prove that you are owed that money ?... But even if you had ... (read in full...)

Do I keep trying to contact him? Or cut contact despite his debts to me?

Q.   Dear Cupid. I think I know the answer but I need some advice... So, I have been helping out an ex from seven years ago with rent while he's jobless for the last six months (He rents out a room in a house) (I offered to help him) on top ...

A.   7 November 2017: He's been ignoring you because you have stopped giving him money. When you can give money and help, he likes you- when you can't...not so much. It's simple and evident, and I am glad it begins appearing evident to you too. You fell for him at a... (read in full...)

A coworker eats smelly food right next to me!

Q.   Hi everyone, this might sound like a trivial problem but it’s really bothering me. I recently started a new job and the man that sits next to me is a bodybuilder and as such eats an entire tub of cottage cheese at his desk every day at 9am. I think ...

A.   3 November 2017:  Strange office. So your colleague is not allowed to leave his desk because he must answer the phone - but he is allowed to answer the phones munching on his 45 minutes "snack", with his mouth full of food ? I would insist with the boss... (read in full...)

Why is my LDR boyfriend testing me this way?

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years now and for the last two years of our relationship, he had to move for his job. He’s about 13 hours away from me now. He and I see each other as much as we can, despite the distance. The ...

A.   1 November 2017:  I think Honeypie is right. He is setting you up ; he wants , more or less consciously, you to fail his tests. Or else , he is -sorry- just plain dumb. Life isn't some trashy romance novel, where you just " follow your heart " and jump on a plan... (read in full...)

My past has led me to hate sex, relationships and even the human touch

Q.   I hate sex, masturbation, porn and sex toys. I even despise human touch and being social, including relationships. I'm very happy being single being alone by myself, but my family and therapist pressures me to date and socialize, which angers ...

A.   30 October 2017:  I don't think this has got anything to do with being old fashioned or frigid, - just with the mental health issues you are afflicted by, with no fault of yours, as a consequence of the trauma and the abuse you have been going through. It makes ... (read in full...)

I suffer from social anxiety and it bothers me that he leaves me alone with his mother!

Q.   I am in the best relationship I have been in, but there is one little issue... My boyfriend is 24 (I am 22). He is German and I often travel to Germany to be with him, usually staying 1-3 months at a time. The rest of the time I travel a lot for...

A.   30 October 2017:  Sorry, maybe I am being too rigid but I don't think that shyness and awkwrdness are a sufficient excuse for incivility. You go as their guest for 1-3 months at a time ( ! ) and can't, ( but I mean seriously " can't ", not just " prefer not " ) ... (read in full...)

How do we settle on the temperature issue? My partner and I find it difficult to adjust to each other's preferences

Q.   It's a bit of a funny thing that is becoming not funny really fast. Me and my partner have vastly different temperatures at which we are comfortable. It's especially pronounced at nighttime, as the temperature that makes him feel OK-ish feels ...

A.   30 October 2017:  If you were in a train or other public places, your husband would win , no contest :). The unwritten laws of etiquette say that the " cold " one dictates the temperature and if the window should be open or not.( I think it may be a remnant ... (read in full...)

My husband is inefficient and forgetful. How do I deal wth him?

Q.   My husband is inefficient, forgetful and I can’t count on him to get things done or remembering schedules. Any advice? Last week, he fixed something at work on Friday and spent the whole day playing games on Saturday. On Saturday evening we were ...

A.   30 October 2017:  The most logical step would be to consult his doctor. Extreme forgetfulness, lack of concentration, severe difficulties with time management and daily tasks in a person your husband's age ( not senile ) can be a symptom of a smattering of various ... (read in full...)

Why did he say he was disappointed?

Q.   I played a little joke on a sort of friend, who I deep down fancy, but haven’t told him.. On a hook up app their profile popped up so I messaged them sent them a few funny pics of people, told them I know them and that to find out who I am they hav...

A.   30 October 2017:  I would not look for deep, obscure meanings in what he said, I would take it rather literally. He is disappointed because he hoped that his secret admirer was some hot guy and he hoped the convo could prelude to some hot hookup, then find... (read in full...)

Why did this woman pass such a comment on my 'almost' boyfriend?

Q.   Hello. I'm a fitness model and I train at a studio with my friend who is also my trainer. We've just got involved together outside a business relationship. There's this other girl who he also trains. She's been with him almost as long as I hav...

A.   28 October 2017:  It sounds to me like an innocuous joke, and it's not that odd . She does not know that you and the trainer are dating, but obviously there's sexual tension between you, and when people are into each other they give away often very perc... (read in full...)

Why would he say "I love you" if he has no intention of changing his life for you?

Q.   If a married man you've been involved in a long term relationship with tells you he loves you, could he really mean it, even if he will never leave his wife to be with you? It's a terrible predicament to be in when you realize you now love this ma...

A.   28 October 2017:  Because talk is cheap. " I love you ". " You don't look one day older than 40 " " Of course, I'll give you back your 100 bucks as soon as I get paid ". Some people would only say something if they really really mean it, feel it, think it... (read in full...)

Is it wrong if I want to be a housewife and not work for a living?

Q.   Hi , is it wrong to wants to be housewife? I want to get marry and want to have kids. I don’t think I will be able to work. Since, I am taking care of my elderly mom and I am going to have kids as well. I want to be housewife. Is it wrong to think ...

A.   28 October 2017:  I think we are mixing up two different things : morally correct and socially desirable. Of course there's nothing wrong per se in wanting to be a mom and a housewife- same as men do not dislike housewives per se,on principle. But in the dating m... (read in full...)

Boyfriend says his phone was hacked. I don't believe him.

Q.   I recently found pictures of my significant other in his phone along with seeing him on website called backpage. I viewed his history and found him looking up girls in different areas. He denied taking those pictures in my bed from not even less ...

A.   28 October 2017:  I don't even know what " backpage " is, but I know that no hacker could have entered your bedroom and taken pics of your bf in bed. You are right in not believing him; his lies are not believable. What should you do ? That would depend from your... (read in full...)

How do I end a FWB relationship and just be friends?

Q.   How do I end a friends with benefits thing? I'm 18 and he's 21 and we were friends for about a year and a half before we started sleeping together basically, and he took my virginity. There was a point before we had sex where I thought I had ...

A.   27 October 2017:  Piece of cake ! You just tell him: "thanks but no thanks. I'm done .". Or variations of the above. Maybe you think that when you turn him down he will feel offended and will not want to be your platonic friend anymore, but, let me be cynical,... (read in full...)

He's left me yet again but what wrong have I done to be treated like this?

Q.   I need help please I Feel patheticI met this guy two years ago. He was great he was always guarded we went out on dates for three months didn't sleep together til then. He was great to my son. I have a Lil boy. I ended up moving in with him, and it ...

A.   27 October 2017:  Let's start from the bottom. You should not be still living together if you are not a couple anymore, and you should not be taking care of him as the wifey that he consider you NOT to be. Why all the cooking and washing and ironing etc. If he is y... (read in full...)

My boyfriend took small amounts of money from my purse! What should I do?

Q.   I was dating a guy for 3 months, who I love, and knew was broke/unemployed. 2 weeks ago, $15.00 was missing from my wallet. I thought I miscounted, so the next time he came over I took a pic of my wallet, so I knew for sure. $20.00 went miss...

A.   26 October 2017: I was thinking the same thing that Honeypie remarks about : 20 dollars for taking you out ? Where ? If there's somewhere in USA where two people can have dinner , tip included , for 20 bucks, restaurant prices must have really gone down in the ... (read in full...)

Why was he was so mad because I answered his phone?

Q.   Hi. Last night my bf got so mad at me and left my place at 2 am. He fell asleep on the couch while I was watching a movie, around 130 am I noticed on his phone maybe like 10 phone calls then like 10 messages, his phone is always in silence so he ...

A.   26 October 2017:  I was not particularly differentiating between cell phone and landline ; more between home and work. Meaning that, IF the workplace policy is that no calls should go unanswered and no phone be left unmanned- then if the phone rings and your... (read in full...)

Guys, do you miss the other woman if the affair ends suddenly?

Q.   Guys, do you miss your mistress when your affair ended suddenly. I just ended my affair with a married man. Without stating the reason why. I know it’s wrong to be in love with him. So please spare me all the nasty comments. I feel kinda ...

A.   26 October 2017:  Of course it would vary according to individual situations. Most men, I think, would not sweat it at all. Sex is sex, and fun is fun, - things which feel good no matter who provides them, so when you lose one , you just wait for the next to s... (read in full...)

My girlfriend is being too needy, is it unhealthy?

Q.   How often is too often to see your significant other? In the last few relationships I’ve felt burned out too quickly from them and I think it’s a problem I’m having with myself. I’m dating a girl now and have been for the last year. She does e...

A.   26 October 2017:  It depends. It sounds , anyway, that it is not healthy for you,- because your needs for closeness do not match hers. While surely it is regrettable, and worrisome, that, without you, she does not know what to do with herself , I must admit that... (read in full...)

I found out my husband went for an adult massage before we married

Q.   I just checked my husband phone and found out that he went to adult massage before we marry 2 months back. His friend asked him to join last week and he rejected it as he said hes broke now. Yes he is financially unstable now as he loss some from ...

A.   26 October 2017:  Your husband is a smooth one. By throwing a big , childish, ( and , I have no doubt, STAGED ) tantrum, he deflects the attention from his wrongdoings ( cheating on you ) to yours ( mistrusting him ). Well, why should you not mistrust him ? He ... (read in full...)

Why was he was so mad because I answered his phone?

Q.   Hi. Last night my bf got so mad at me and left my place at 2 am. He fell asleep on the couch while I was watching a movie, around 130 am I noticed on his phone maybe like 10 phone calls then like 10 messages, his phone is always in silence so he ...

A.   25 October 2017: @ Denizen : are we still talking about a cell phone ? The type which you make personall calls from, bring home after work, and generally keep in your pockets- unless you forget it on your office desk :)? .. Then the answer is , obviously, stil... (read in full...)

The relationship I am in has become exhausting

Q.   So I need to preface this by saying I am not a second-chances person. Basically once someone loses my faith or trust, they usually can't get it back. That being said, I dated this guy for about a year, from September of last year to earlier ...

A.   23 October 2017:  Maybe I am reading this all wrong ( I hope so ) but to me that's basically a complicated version of " I love you , but I am not in love with you ". He apparently is not feeling something that, in his mind, he should be feeling. Everything is good... (read in full...)

Why was he was so mad because I answered his phone?

Q.   Hi. Last night my bf got so mad at me and left my place at 2 am. He fell asleep on the couch while I was watching a movie, around 130 am I noticed on his phone maybe like 10 phone calls then like 10 messages, his phone is always in silence so he ...

A.   23 October 2017:  I respectfully disagree with Denizen- or, at least , conclude that we hang around very different people and different gardens :). I don't know anybody, literally anybody , with such a poor sense of boundaries to go answering the phone in s... (read in full...)

Do I keep trying to contact him? Or cut contact despite his debts to me?

Q.   Dear Cupid. I think I know the answer but I need some advice... So, I have been helping out an ex from seven years ago with rent while he's jobless for the last six months (He rents out a room in a house) (I offered to help him) on top ...

A.   23 October 2017:  Stop contacting him. Why, do you think that if you keep pushing , you'll see your money back ? unlikely. You have been trying to contact him for the past 2 weeks, and he has been ignoring you, and not even bothering to let you know when, or IF, ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend was kissed by a gay guy and now he wonders if he is bi?

Q.   My boyfriend of 10 months just told me he was kissed by a gay guy at a party I wasn't able to attend, and also told me he thinks he might be bi now. I'm just wondering if other people consider this cheating. I'm pretty uncomfortable with the whole ...

A.   23 October 2017:  Would you consider it cheating if he had kissed another girl ? Yes ? Then it's cheating also if he kisses another guy. I don't see what the gender of the kissed makes a difference. Whether your bf has kissed a girl, a boy , or a hermaphrodit... (read in full...)

He is not being supportive and I am literally broken because of what is happening!

Q.   Hi, me and my boyfriend have been going out for 6 months and a few days ago I found out I was pregnant. We both currently live 100 miles apart and only get to see each other once a week. We decided an abortion was the best option for us as it wou...

A.   23 October 2017:  As other DearCupiders have said, this guy is an idiot and a dick. Someone you can dispose of with no regrets . Just file him under " life lessons ". I must say that if he is in your age range, maybe toward the lower end of it, this is not surp... (read in full...)

Is 15 years too big a gap for us?

Q.   Hi I have been talking to a guy on line who states he is 39 although looks a little older in his picture. I am a 54 year old woman but I do not look my age and have stated that I am 43. I work as Cabin Crew and surrounded by loads of young p...

A.   23 October 2017:  15 years is a big age gap and some men would think that's too much and would not consider a relationship with you. While some others would not care and would say that age is just a number etc.etc. Both categories have the same right to an info... (read in full...)

Why was he was so mad because I answered his phone?

Q.   Hi. Last night my bf got so mad at me and left my place at 2 am. He fell asleep on the couch while I was watching a movie, around 130 am I noticed on his phone maybe like 10 phone calls then like 10 messages, his phone is always in silence so he ...

A.   23 October 2017: Excuse me ?!... There may be also a cultural component, probably, but I can assure you that I am not Arab, I am not Muslim and I am not a man, yet I would go berserk if someone presumed to do what you did. You are not even married !, or living t... (read in full...)

My long distance love wants me to send sexy pictures of myself

Q.   I've been going out with this boy for 2 months now and it's a LDR situation. I knew it was going to be hard to not spend all that time together but I felt I could handle it. Lately he's been asking me to send naughty pictures to him and it m...

A.   23 October 2017:  I think I asked you this already previously ( - or maybe it was another poster in a similar situation ) but :- why aren't you " majorly fussed" that he won't call you when his parents are at home ?? It IS something to be majorly fussed about, ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend revealed a secret and my question is how do I deal with what he told me?

Q.   My new boyfriend of almost 5 month has been suffering from ptsd i knew this when we first got together , he decided to be open tonight and told me a shocking secret he had kept from me , he admitted he sometimes smokes weed to help him relax and ...

A.   21 October 2017:  Curious how the people who suggests you to relax your stance on drugs seems to forget that cannabis is a class B illegal drug in Uk, and its commerce / trafficking is punished with up to 14 years in jail, while even simple possession can land... (read in full...)

Does my FWB have feelings for me?

Q.   I've been friends with benefits with a guy for over 3 years. We hook up nearly every week. I telephoned him today to speak to him, he was busy building a draw and I didn't realise I was on loud speaker, during the call we were talking and he was ...

A.   21 October 2017:  No, Op, it won't work out " one day ". I am not saying that it is absolutely , 100% impossible to be " upgraded " from bootycall/FWB to regular hf or wife. It just happens , percentually, very very seldom, and, most of all, 3 years is quite a ... (read in full...)

Most of the things he does really gets on my nerves!

Q.   I have been going out with a guy for almost a year now, when we first started going out I thought he was really sweet and I really liked him, we see each other every week but now it's been nearly a year I feel like things have changed, he still ...

A.   21 October 2017:  But you have been giving him a chance, for a whole year. You have been dating since almost one year... and it's almost one year that you feel things have changed and you aren't as happy with him as at the very beginning. That means, I guess, that... (read in full...)

This woman is getting close on the train!

Q.   I catch the busy train to work in Tokyo everyday and there is this cute younger lady who gets on along the way. I am usually standing near the door anyway but somehow she seems to find her way in front of me so we are hugged and crushed together. We ...

A.   20 October 2017:  I think you are reading too much into this. If you are really squeezed so tight against each other, the young lady could simply be moving her hands or legs in the attempt to get some elbow room , and make herself more comfortable. Also, since yo... (read in full...)

Was I out of line and is my boyfriend right in not trusting me?

Q.   I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years now. A few months ago I met a guy at work who I messaged after I left the job. He was quite flirty with me in this conversation but I didn't think it meant anything. About a month later he messaged...

A.   20 October 2017:  You were out of line and I suspect you know it. Of course nobody can stop you from seeing your friends, but this guy was not a friend. He was not somebody who shares your ardent passion for, say, antiques and could not wait to show you his late ... (read in full...)

I don’t know if I should stop talking to him or give it a chance?

Q.   I have been texting this guy for 2 months everyday and sometimes we talk on the phone. We live in two different states I keep telling him I want to move to a different state and he wants me to move to his state because he says "I'll already know one ...

A.   20 October 2017:  You should stop.It's a waste of time. You should not take everything so literally. When a perfect stranger on line tells you " You should move to my state " it is on par with " we should have lunch together one of these days ... "; it's ... (read in full...)

Do mixed signals just mean he's not interested?

Q.   There's a guy in my graduate program who is very handsome. I knew him previously from a class during undergrad as well. He is also a gentleman and very kind to everyone he comes by. He's naturally friendly, social, and sweet. He says and does things ...

A.   19 October 2017: Sorry, OP, I thought you meant you were around each other also in undergrad, so at least one year ago. The timeline is important, because ut does make a difference if you have been hanging out since ine year or one mointh. One year, - plentu of t... (read in full...)

Why would my guy friend joke about marrying me? Does it mean anything?

Q.   This isn't the first time this guy has joked about us and marriage, but this just happened recently. I was over a friend's house, it was 4 of us. 2 guys and 2 girls (myself included). I said to Guy A: Heyy you need to find me a Caribbean husban...

A.   19 October 2017: I would not go shopping for a wedding gown just yet :) Also because, if guy B really meant that he is thinking of marrying you- he would not make such a great husband, right ?, since he also implies that he would cheat on you ( and risk eati... (read in full...)

Is masturbation gay?

Q.   If you are not thinking of anything and just masturbating for pleasure is this homosexual?...

A.   19 October 2017:  Why should it be a gay thing ?? Everybody masturbates, gay and hetero !, if they want to visualize / think of something, or not, it's just their personal preference.... (read in full...)

He's getting back together with his ex but doesn't want to lose my friendship

Q.   I met a guy on-line. We dated for about 3 months and became intimate. He recently announced that he has been talking to his ex girlfriend and they have decided to try it again but he does not want to lose my friendship. He wants to meet with me....

A.   18 October 2017: Maybe advice is not so welcome :) because I remember that you posted recently and we ALL told you not to waste your time on a meeting with this man and his " confusion ". It seems that you have really your heart set on meeting him again, so , by a... (read in full...)

Do mixed signals just mean he's not interested?

Q.   There's a guy in my graduate program who is very handsome. I knew him previously from a class during undergrad as well. He is also a gentleman and very kind to everyone he comes by. He's naturally friendly, social, and sweet. He says and does things ...

A.   18 October 2017:  You have two different and opposite options, IMO, but strangely they both can work in their own way. 1 ) do nothing and accept that , although he finds you attractive, funny, entertaining etc., he does not want to date you. What's so strange abou... (read in full...)

What should I do about feeling inadequate?

Q.   First off, this is quite the premature question, but tonight, its all I can think about. A year ago, I had to escape a mentally, physically, sexually, and verbally abusive relationship. It was difficult to say the least. A few months after we ...

A.   18 October 2017:  Oh you are good enough for him. And a bit starry eyed :). Not to demolish your hero, I am sure he is a great guy but, let's be realistic. He is in late 20s and still in his " last few years " of college - I mean, people graduates at 21 in USA ... (read in full...)

Is it a good sign that he told her?

Q.   Hi aunts and uncles. I wanted to know what your opinion was on this. My new boyfriend of a month has a huge circle of friends and he's pretty well loved by people as the "nice" guy/good guy. Yesterday he told me he spoke to this girl and told her...

A.   16 October 2017:  It is a good sign, insofar he did just the correct thing both toward her and toward you. If they went on a date , and she has a crush on him, and things were sort of undefined , in the gray area still, and she might legitimately have thou... (read in full...)

Have I blown my dream job with a wrong answer?

Q.   Hi I just applied for my dream job in an IT company and got invited for interview. Interview had 4 rounds and I cleared all of them. But after the rounds we had a small question answer round about the job. They asked me whether I'm okay with ni...

A.   16 October 2017: If you don't get the job, I 'd exclude it's because of the way you answered. You answered honestly and sincerely BUT showing flexibility and willingness to cooperate. Non - consecutive free days is not your preference ( no wonder; I bet there are ... (read in full...)

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