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*indyCares agony aunt

*indyCares

Italy  (Female   XML/RSS

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*indyCares's profile:

Hi everybody. I am an Italian woman currently living in Italy but I spent many years in England and USA. I hope my English is still decent but in case it got a little rusty, please be lenient.

My age ? Let say that I am way past the stage when you cry if the boy you like takes your best friend to the prom, and young enough to remember how awful that feels.

What qualifies me to help people- well, let me show off just a bit and mention that I studied Psychology 4 years in college, and, even if then I graduated in a different subject, I never lost my interest in psychology and kept reading a lot about this subject. Yet that does not really qualify me for anything because intellectual knowledge is not the same as real life experience. So let's say I feel I can advice people because I have lived a lot, travelled a lot, met a lot of people from all backgrounds , races and religions- I have loved a lot, and I have also been dumped a lot :)

Plus, I am really fascinated with people and their stories. Not in a gossipy way. I just find that every person is a whole new world that I am excited to discover.

Right now I am single- and happily so. I realized- better late than never - that rather than waiting for Prince Charming I should first become a Princess myself. You can't love anybody unconditionally, if first you don't love yourself unconditionally, and this is what I am learning to do.

Looking forward to hear from all of you..

Ciao

Cindy

Latest articles:

Ten best ways for a woman to be given her walking papers.

This question has 7 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

19 August 2014: Yeah I know : ultimately love is a mystery, not an exact science. There's always an element of sheer luck, of serendipity, of magic in it. Some times you do everything right, by the book, you are the perfect gf / wife / lover .. and you still get ...

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Will a man in a sexless, long term marriage eventually have sex with another woman?

Q.   I have a question and I am curious about what the opinions are out there. If a man is in a long term relationship or marriage and his wife was no longer willing to have sex (ie. she never did like it to begin with, she no longer likes it) with h...

A.   26 June 2016:  Of course we go by generalizations in this thread and others. What else can we go by ! , dealing with a general, hypothetical question ? without knowing in depth and in details, a specific situation the poster has in mind ? But the fact that... (read in full...)

Will a man in a sexless, long term marriage eventually have sex with another woman?

Q.   I have a question and I am curious about what the opinions are out there. If a man is in a long term relationship or marriage and his wife was no longer willing to have sex (ie. she never did like it to begin with, she no longer likes it) with h...

A.   26 June 2016:  Sorry, but I feel I was not veering off anything. Your question was not about the importance of physical passion in general. Your question was about someone who has a long term relationship, or a WIFE ( btw it's not exactly the same thing an... (read in full...)

Can they really expect more hours without overtime pay?

Q.   Hello, I moved to the US few months ago and I'm working in financie field and have an exempt full time position. I was hired for 40 hours work per week but my supervisor stating that we all must put some extra hours every week. I do come early ...

A.   26 June 2016:  OP, not to antagonize you, because obviously you are entitled to your opinions, about capitalism and about everything,- but I am just curious. It seems we are living in two different Europes, and have been living in two different USA . Europe is ... (read in full...)

She rejected my invitation. I still want to be friends. How do I keep things light when I see her again?

Q.   Hello agony aunts So this week I asked a female friend of mine if she wanted to meet for a coffee sometime and I mentioned we don't get opportunities to talk at work with our different schedules. Which is true as we don't do, anyway to cut ...

A.   25 June 2016: " What should I say to her ? " about what ? If you are still referring to the weekend plans question : 3 of us think that you should say nothing , one, Ivyblue , feels you should say something and already detailed accurately what your words shou... (read in full...)

Four months into the relationship, so why is he choosing to sleep in a different bed to me?

Q.   Dear Cupid I'm dating a guy younger than me for past 4 months. We hang around in his place during weekend. It's the second time I find him sleeping in living room because he says he steal his blanket and he can't sleep or I turn around a lot. ...

A.   25 June 2016:  I guess it's a matter of opinions . In your place, personally I'd be concerned about all the rest BUT the sleeping arrangements. My parents stayed happily married for decades although sleeping separately ( my father snored in a horrific way ) ... (read in full...)

Will a man in a sexless, long term marriage eventually have sex with another woman?

Q.   I have a question and I am curious about what the opinions are out there. If a man is in a long term relationship or marriage and his wife was no longer willing to have sex (ie. she never did like it to begin with, she no longer likes it) with h...

A.   25 June 2016:  Edit : " was supposedly NOT intimate "... (read in full...)

Will a man in a sexless, long term marriage eventually have sex with another woman?

Q.   I have a question and I am curious about what the opinions are out there. If a man is in a long term relationship or marriage and his wife was no longer willing to have sex (ie. she never did like it to begin with, she no longer likes it) with h...

A.   25 June 2016: You haven't considered a not irrelevant detail though. That, I am not going to say " all " cheating husbands of course, but many, many cheating husbands say they are not having sex with their wife and by now they live together like brother and ... (read in full...)

She rejected my invitation. I still want to be friends. How do I keep things light when I see her again?

Q.   Hello agony aunts So this week I asked a female friend of mine if she wanted to meet for a coffee sometime and I mentioned we don't get opportunities to talk at work with our different schedules. Which is true as we don't do, anyway to cut ...

A.   25 June 2016:  I would not say anything at all, you are making this a huge deal which is not. Look, I am blessed with a better-than-average memory, and still at times I found myself telling people " So, what movie did you see yesterday ? Ah right. You told me "... (read in full...)

He's accusing me of not locking the door. Why would he become be so accusatory towards me??

Q.   I just moved into an apartment with a room-mate. And there's been a situation that I would like your opinion on: My room-mate came home after being gone for a week, and discovers some boxes for him on his bed, that he ordered. So he asks me if I ...

A.   25 June 2016:  Someone who comes through a third floor window bringing in boxes ?... Santa Claus and his elfs ! I see that you are in Norway, somewhat close to the North Pole... so that is a distinct possibility :) . This guy is a bit weird, but I think ( ... (read in full...)

Can they really expect more hours without overtime pay?

Q.   Hello, I moved to the US few months ago and I'm working in financie field and have an exempt full time position. I was hired for 40 hours work per week but my supervisor stating that we all must put some extra hours every week. I do come early ...

A.   25 June 2016:  I have to agree with Serpico- although personally being an European and a laid back, unambitious person :) That's not slavery, it's capitalism, for good and for bad. It's a system that has its obvious dark side, and it's obvious advantages. Adva... (read in full...)

What's your opinion of age gaps? Does he really like me? Or does he have a different motive?

Q.   Okay so first.. What's your opinion on age gaps?? What's to big of an age gap? There is a guy at my work ( I work in a factory) who works second shift while I work first. He is 12 years older than I am. When I very first started working there he...

A.   24 June 2016:  Think ,OP, think ...What could it be the motive :) ? Yes, THAT . You got it. He wants to get into your knickers. I am not saying that some times a 32 y.o. guy could not be on the same wavelength with a mature 20 y.o. , and want a serious,... (read in full...)

He's accusing me of not locking the door. Why would he become be so accusatory towards me??

Q.   I just moved into an apartment with a room-mate. And there's been a situation that I would like your opinion on: My room-mate came home after being gone for a week, and discovers some boxes for him on his bed, that he ordered. So he asks me if I ...

A.   24 June 2016:  Don't take it personally. He does not know you that well, if you just moved, and he cannot know if you are or not a person who would lie, or who instead would take responsibility if some mishap had happened. This is a weird, uneplain... (read in full...)

How can I fit in with new work colleagues? Some are not very nice

Q.   Some of our departments have merged at work, whats a good way to get along with new colleagues? Edit None of us new to the workplace but 1/3 of us ( maybe 13 of us) have moved to new much bigger a...

A.   24 June 2016:  Relax ; everything is going to be Ok. This is not sarcasm, this is encouragement ! You have nothing to fear .. but fear itself. You are a competent worker , and a polite person, and you are one among many people who have been moved, so yo... (read in full...)

What would you do if faced with these situations from his family and the friends from his country.

Q.   Hello I am middle aged and have been married for over 12 years. Both my husband and I are from diff countries and our cultures are different. I moved to Canada and married him, im from UK and hes from another country There have been times whe...

A.   24 June 2016:  Different perspective here. I agree with your husband. Let it go. Move on. Yes she was rude. She was DRUNK ! Yes , she still knew what she was doing, as another poster says. But the fact is, when people are drunk, they know they are doing wr... (read in full...)

Is rejection good or bad? How does one accept and deal with rejection?

Q.   I asked a female who is beautiful from work on social media if she fancied meeting me for a coffee to get to know me better. This was today, we are good friends on social media, and I decided the time was right to ask her and to seize the day. And...

A.   24 June 2016:  Rejection is just a fact of life. It bothers you, some times it may even hurt, but hey life goes on. You put it behind you and move on. Nobody is always going to be accepted ( as a boyfriend, a friend, an employee, a member of a club, anything ) ... (read in full...)

Is he serious about our future?

Q.   Hi all, I am in a long-distance relationship. I am from Italy, my partner is Spanish and has been living in Germany for over 15 years now. He was unemployed for ages but now has a good job, it is on a contract basis but they love him and have sai...

A.   23 June 2016:  Then thanks God that he did not want to come to Italy ! No offence , but we have already enough loafers and benefits scroungers , real whizzes at working the system , both national and foreigners, without importing the German - based one. Let ... (read in full...)

Is he serious about our future?

Q.   Hi all, I am in a long-distance relationship. I am from Italy, my partner is Spanish and has been living in Germany for over 15 years now. He was unemployed for ages but now has a good job, it is on a contract basis but they love him and have sai...

A.   23 June 2016: I must say that, being from Italy myself, I was a little perplexed reading your post. Maybe yours is the more adventurous free - lance mentality. Or maybe , lucky you, you earn so well that you have a bit lost touch with the life of someone who'... (read in full...)

We agreed to remain friends but I haven't heard from him!

Q.   A guy i was seeing for 5 months ended things with me a couple of months ago. From my persepctive everything was going well and had been fine between us leading up to him ending things so it really upset me as it was totally unexpected. When he ended ...

A.   23 June 2016:  " Let's stay friends " is like " Let's do lunch soon "- most of the times you don't have to take it literally, it's just a polite way to disentangle oneself. It's a gentle way to soften the blow - but it means more something like " Let's not ... (read in full...)

How do I tell my husband nicely that due our circumstances its not a good idea to have his kids at our home?

Q.   My husband wants to get his kids (16 boy,13 girl, and 8boy)today but we both work from 6am-6pm M-F. There was no date given when they will be going back home (mothers house), last visit they stayed 3wks. We are having some financial issues right now ...

A.   22 June 2016:  I think too it's a bit strange that there's no regular schedule in place for visitation, like " alternate weekends " or whatever, and things are kept so casual and unpredictable. Anyway- whatever works - if your husband and his ex have agre... (read in full...)

Why does he give gifts to ex's kids but plays the "gift game" with me?

Q.   Hello my bf and I have been together for two years. He's had a close relationship with his ex during this time. Texting, emailing, calling, and seeing her. He's also very close to her daughters. He attends their games, buys them gifts and keeps ...

A.   22 June 2016:  I sort of understand the first part of the story, i.e. he being close to his ex's kids. I also understand very well how it can bother you, but , at the end of the day, as Eddie mentions, your sons and daughters are a different thing from your ... (read in full...)

Can a friend forget about you while they are away?

Q.   I have a friend who is abroad at the moment, she hasn't spoken to me for three to four weeks. I've not heard from her by social media and I'm beginning to lose patience. She's helping abroad and providing water to disadvantaged people and trying t...

A.   22 June 2016:  Maybe my point was not that clear, anyway it was : Ok, she was your best buddy... but were you HER best buddy likewise ?. Apparently not, if you never met once outside the office or after she left it. I think she was content that you were just... (read in full...)

Can they really expect more hours without overtime pay?

Q.   Hello, I moved to the US few months ago and I'm working in financie field and have an exempt full time position. I was hired for 40 hours work per week but my supervisor stating that we all must put some extra hours every week. I do come early ...

A.   21 June 2016:  Of course they can expect extra hours without paying overtime - " exempt employee " means precisely that you are an employee who is exempt from the application of the Fair Labour Standards Act in re. to minimal wages and overtime. Check if you ... (read in full...)

What can I do? Don't want it rubbed in my face. But she says I'm offloading my insecurities by being upset with her

Q.   My friend upset me again talking about interacting with another man who she has a past with... I've covered with her in the past that she's to have as much fun as she can with whomever she feels like regardless that I'm mad about her. We have f...

A.   21 June 2016:  Eh that's why I say that being " friends " with someone you have feeling for is impossible- and also underhanded, in a way. You accept to play by rules that you can't stand, then when the rules are applied, you complain. Not fair. Now, I must... (read in full...)

I've asked my ex 3 times if he wants to hook up. He always says yes but it never happens

Q.   Okay, so I've been horny lately and I ended up asking my ex if he was interested in hooking up and he said yes. But we never did it. I asked him 3 times, each time after I waited 2 weeks. The last time I asked was 4 weeks ago, and he said he was ...

A.   21 June 2016:  Your disappointment is understandable, but in future, try to remember that in practice, " casual " anything, and particularly casual sex- means " I can take it or leave it ". Suppose that you are lounging around in your P.J. and fancy, say,... (read in full...)

Can a friend forget about you while they are away?

Q.   I have a friend who is abroad at the moment, she hasn't spoken to me for three to four weeks. I've not heard from her by social media and I'm beginning to lose patience. She's helping abroad and providing water to disadvantaged people and trying t...

A.   21 June 2016: I can't but reiterate what the other posters say : a true friendship can stand either one or both taking a " sabbatical ", due to various circumstances , from a changed , more hectic schedule to simply a moment when either one does not feel too ... (read in full...)

I've asked my ex 3 times if he wants to hook up. He always says yes but it never happens

Q.   Okay, so I've been horny lately and I ended up asking my ex if he was interested in hooking up and he said yes. But we never did it. I asked him 3 times, each time after I waited 2 weeks. The last time I asked was 4 weeks ago, and he said he was ...

A.   20 June 2016:  Maybe he does not care whether he gives you the wrong impression or not, or if he fosters expectations that are going to stay unmet. He just does what 's easy, practical and convenient for himself- like all " ghosters " do. That's the limit , IM... (read in full...)

I've asked my ex 3 times if he wants to hook up. He always says yes but it never happens

Q.   Okay, so I've been horny lately and I ended up asking my ex if he was interested in hooking up and he said yes. But we never did it. I asked him 3 times, each time after I waited 2 weeks. The last time I asked was 4 weeks ago, and he said he was ...

A.   20 June 2016: Why ? 1) For the same reasons tons of people " ghost " the date they are not going to go out with anymore , rather than just spelling it out . They prefer to fade away and / or make excuses, hoping that the other person gets the hint . Beca... (read in full...)

My boyfriend wants to quit his job after only 1 week. I told him I'd break up with him if he does so!

Q.   Hello, I would like your advice on whether I am being too harsh on my boyfriend. My boyfriend was without a job for quite some months and recently landed a customer service job. He has experience working in a call center environment before so hi...

A.   20 June 2016:  Bad idea . Not only, as You Wish says, you have painted yourself in a corner. Imagine what a fool you'll look like if he does quit this job .. and you don't dump him at once. Zero credibility for the future. But I also think that very poss... (read in full...)

How can I stop being used by men?

Q.   Ever since I turned 21 - now I am turning 30 I have always gone above and beyond for men. I would characterize myself as a young successful woman - I hold a good corporate job and two degrees and really Kee up with my appearance. Inside though I am ...

A.   20 June 2016:  It is a good thing that you signed up for therapy, the point of which is, in time, to give you the tools to learn being assertive and boosting your self esteem. Of course if this of letting people walk all over you is a problem you had all your ... (read in full...)

Am I right to be upset about my boyfriend going on a "men's day out"? no women allowed.

Q.   Am I right to be upset about my boyfriend going out for the day with his male friends?. He is going out for the day with his male friends this afternoon. He said no women are allowed. He said they go on a day out together every year. He also to...

A.   20 June 2016:  Well, congratulations. Maybe you don't see this like a happy ending right now, but it is. He sort of forced you to throw the towel, but he saved you time and stress since it was going to happen anyway because of your basic lack of ... (read in full...)

I've asked my ex 3 times if he wants to hook up. He always says yes but it never happens

Q.   Okay, so I've been horny lately and I ended up asking my ex if he was interested in hooking up and he said yes. But we never did it. I asked him 3 times, each time after I waited 2 weeks. The last time I asked was 4 weeks ago, and he said he was ...

A.   20 June 2016:  Yes, it would be very desperate. You already asked him 3 times and it never happened- obviously he is not interested. His words said yes ( maybe he was taken aback, or maybe he did not want to hurt your feelings by refusisng you openly ) but his ... (read in full...)

Overwhelming depression has descended on me knowing my Bf will be away with his family until July. How can I stop this depression? What do I need to do about this?

Q.   My boyfriend is away on a trip with his family. He hasn't even been gone two days and won't be back until the first week of July. I am not sure if this is normal but I am severely depressed. I have been crying a lot and have isolated myse...

A.   20 June 2016:  No, that's not normal- although technically you can't say you are " severely depressed " because for that you should have shown your current symptoms for at least 6 weeks. Nevertheless, even if it 's just a bout of the blues, it shows itself in s... (read in full...)

My married man was upset I broke up with him! Was I unreasonable?

Q.   I have been involved with a married man for 10 years, I waited until his children were grown up so I could make demands in my lover leaning his wife, they are 17 and 19 so not kids anymore....I asked him last night for us to be a proper couple now, ...

A.   19 June 2016:  ..Living in a bedsit ? Why does he have to leave in a bedsit- could he not come to live with YOU ? Could you not ( should you not ! ) rent a place together ?... What the next excuse will be, that he can't leave because he loves the water pres... (read in full...)

My married man was upset I broke up with him! Was I unreasonable?

Q.   I have been involved with a married man for 10 years, I waited until his children were grown up so I could make demands in my lover leaning his wife, they are 17 and 19 so not kids anymore....I asked him last night for us to be a proper couple now, ...

A.   19 June 2016:  Sorry- now that I think of it, the sentence I quoted is not Eric Fromm's ( who, anyway, says the same in a less literary language ), is Antoine St. Exupery's. Never mind- the concept stands. ... (read in full...)

Am I right to be upset about my boyfriend going on a "men's day out"? no women allowed.

Q.   Am I right to be upset about my boyfriend going out for the day with his male friends?. He is going out for the day with his male friends this afternoon. He said no women are allowed. He said they go on a day out together every year. He also to...

A.   19 June 2016: As of now, I'd leave kids totally out of the equation ( and if you decide to be intimate with this guy, you should make sure you are on birth control ). This is an on/off " relationship ", so... not even a relationship yet, it's a something whic... (read in full...)

My married man was upset I broke up with him! Was I unreasonable?

Q.   I have been involved with a married man for 10 years, I waited until his children were grown up so I could make demands in my lover leaning his wife, they are 17 and 19 so not kids anymore....I asked him last night for us to be a proper couple now, ...

A.   19 June 2016:  No, female anon , we can generalize : what's life itself if not a process of desuming through experience and observation of a large number of individual instances, a general rule ?... When the sky is full of big dark clouds , ..that's how we know... (read in full...)

Help ! What should I do? He treats me like someone he wants to string along

Q.   I was with a relationship for 2 years. A few months ago i found out he had been two- timing me with his ex (i was apparently the side chick). I broke up. He pursued her like a crazed stalker for a month but she left him for good. Then he came for...

A.   19 June 2016:  That's an easy question to answer,- I think nobody in their right mind would advise you to do anything but dump him. Dump dump dump him, like, right now, today. Don't wait, don't procrastinate, don't fool yourself. He hits you and punches ... (read in full...)

Why do work mates not socialise?

Q.   At a work social event do you think it's usual for people to not say hi or say quick hi and not socialise with everyone, or is it a bit rude? Obviously we talk to those we like and feel comfortable with but shouldn't everyone try to talk...

A.   18 June 2016:  I guess it depends from the size of the event. I have been to corporate dinners and parties where the attendance was 200 or 300 people, it's just not feasible to make small talk with everybody even if it's all people that know each other at least ... (read in full...)

What is my Bf's mother's problem? I try to be nice and friendly and she is horrible back to me.

Q.   I went to visit my boyfriend (23). First thing she says is your eating at this time, looking down on me. She is then silent. I felt awkward. So I tried to start a friendly conversation. I said my sister got 3 kittens to look after. She said how...

A.   18 June 2016:  Maybe you aren't enough of a good actress. You loathe the woman, you can't stand her. You even resent her for getting up too early for your tastes in her own house. I am sure you will have your own good reasons to dislike her, ... but the ... (read in full...)

My married man was upset I broke up with him! Was I unreasonable?

Q.   I have been involved with a married man for 10 years, I waited until his children were grown up so I could make demands in my lover leaning his wife, they are 17 and 19 so not kids anymore....I asked him last night for us to be a proper couple now, ...

A.   18 June 2016:  The only unreasonable thing was that you stayed ten years in a clandestine relationship before getting sick and tired of your backstreet girl position. Don't tell me that you really believed , after maybe the first couple of years,... that he was ... (read in full...)

Am I being paranoid or is my husband a cheater?

Q.   I have been married for over 25 years, but am currently separated from my husband due to various issues. One of the issues is suspected cheating, which my husband denies. I just wanted to hear other peoples perspective on this, as my husbands...

A.   18 June 2016:  " Then he became physically abusive ". That's the clincher. OP .. do you have to CARE ? If really cheated on you, if his therapist actually gave him that advice, if he thinks you are crazy or guilty ??... In your shoes I would not waste on... (read in full...)

Why did my boyfriend tell me to be a good girl while he is overseas on a trip?

Q.   My boyfriend is travelling overseas to visit his family. He just texted me before boarding the plane saying he will miss me and that he'd see me in a few weeks. Then he told me to be a good girl for him while he is gone. That he will be a go...

A.   18 June 2016:  Yeah, he was tryng to be cute. Or witty. It does not mean anything, it's a way of saying. A rather common joke . " Behave ": "Don't do anything that I would not do ". I've heard it- and said it- so many times. ... (read in full...)

Lonely in a foreign hospital waiting for medical evacuation to a spinal unit and despite this my Gf is uncaring about the severity of the situation. Time to get rid of the Gf?

Q.   I had a motorcycle accident last saturday whilst on holiday where I was initially paralysed from the neck down then recovered feelings. It will be a long term healing process as I struggle to walk, have spine damage etc. I am determined to do what I ...

A.   18 June 2016:  Maybe she was just in shock. It's hard to know instantly and instinctively how to respond to such life altering news- one literally does not know what to say. Plus, there are different schools of thought about comforting people in serious distress. ... (read in full...)

Am I right to be upset about my boyfriend going on a "men's day out"? no women allowed.

Q.   Am I right to be upset about my boyfriend going out for the day with his male friends?. He is going out for the day with his male friends this afternoon. He said no women are allowed. He said they go on a day out together every year. He also to...

A.   18 June 2016:  The once-a-year man's day sounds like a rather innocuous tradition. If your worry is that in that occasion he might talk to, or be approached by, other women, he does not need to go on a man's day out for that. It could happen any time he goes to ... (read in full...)

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