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*indyCares agony aunt

*indyCares

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*indyCares's profile:

Hi everybody. I am an Italian woman currently living in Italy but I spent many years in England and USA. I hope my English is still decent but in case it got a little rusty, please be lenient.

My age ? Let say that I am way past the stage when you cry if the boy you like takes your best friend to the prom, and young enough to remember how awful that feels.

What qualifies me to help people- well, let me show off just a bit and mention that I studied Psychology 4 years in college, and, even if then I graduated in a different subject, I never lost my interest in psychology and kept reading a lot about this subject. Yet that does not really qualify me for anything because intellectual knowledge is not the same as real life experience. So let's say I feel I can advice people because I have lived a lot, travelled a lot, met a lot of people from all backgrounds , races and religions- I have loved a lot, and I have also been dumped a lot :)

Plus, I am really fascinated with people and their stories. Not in a gossipy way. I just find that every person is a whole new world that I am excited to discover.

Right now I am single- and happily so. I realized- better late than never - that rather than waiting for Prince Charming I should first become a Princess myself. You can't love anybody unconditionally, if first you don't love yourself unconditionally, and this is what I am learning to do.

Looking forward to hear from all of you..

Ciao

Cindy

Latest articles:

Ten best ways for a woman to be given her walking papers.

This question has 7 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

19 August 2014: Yeah I know : ultimately love is a mystery, not an exact science. There's always an element of sheer luck, of serendipity, of magic in it. Some times you do everything right, by the book, you are the perfect gf / wife / lover .. and you still get ...

< Prev1234567891011Next > [216 pages, 8606 answers]

He's seeing someone else. But also wants to see me. What's my best response to this?

Q.   I have been good friends with a guy for a number of years and about a year ago we both found out that we were attracted to each other. We became fwb as neither of us were in a position to have a relationship, even though I really would have like...

A.   3 August 2015:  Your best response is to get yourself out pronto from the mess you ended up into . Big initial mistake, accepting an FWB when what you really wanted was totally something else. FWB only work for people who just want casual fun , without any exp... (read in full...)

We have a special connection but neither of us dares to take the next step

Q.   So.. this is not the first time I've had things to think about and been confused about this okay. We met in middle school and I've liked him ever since on and off. He has liked me too.. We were friends but not that close in school. When we got older ...

A.   3 August 2015: I admit that I am biased against special connections that take years to develop and nothing ever happens.As a matter of fact , from an outsider 's point of view, what we can get from your post is that YOU feel a special connection, he, uhm... we ... (read in full...)

Am I chasing a dead end relationship?

Q.   Will a relationship come out of my chase? I dated a guy for a year and a half. Everything was perfect until one day my jealously became violent when he left me at his house to go pick up his children from his baby moma's place. After some tim...

A.   3 August 2015:  I am afraid so. IMO, anyway, you should not "chase " him no matter what. Personally I do not believe in hard -fought-for love, I think if it is love - it should flow easily, naturally and spontaneously. If you browbeat or trick someone into being ... (read in full...)

The guy is all over the place and I can't figure out what he wants

Q.   Hi, I'm just looking for a little advice. I've been dating this guy. Not long. 3 weeks but in those 3 weeks we had in excess of 10 dates. It was going well. Then one night I was staying at his and we got a little closer than we had previously (...

A.   3 August 2015: OP, it did not take him " all that time " . It only took him less than 3 weeks !! When it comes to unrequited love and emotional turmoil, it's not all neat and clear cut as, say, hemming a pair of trousers , where you can see immediately if one leg ... (read in full...)

The guy is all over the place and I can't figure out what he wants

Q.   Hi, I'm just looking for a little advice. I've been dating this guy. Not long. 3 weeks but in those 3 weeks we had in excess of 10 dates. It was going well. Then one night I was staying at his and we got a little closer than we had previously (...

A.   2 August 2015: I disagree, it's not very confusing. IMO, it's rather typical ! The guy is still carrying a big,BIG torch for his ex. Then again, the break up was recent, not even 3 full months ago. He has TRIED to do his homework and do it right (not getting ... (read in full...)

Worried I'll disappoint him. How can I explain to him that I'm not very experiened? That laziness during lovemaking is not the issue.

Q.   So I have this guy that I have been seeing for a few months now! Its not a LDR but we do live almost two hours from each other and with work commitments and other things we have only seen each other three times but we talk every single day! W...

A.   2 August 2015:  You must be much sweeter-tempered than I am - nor that it takes a lot for that, probably :)- because my attitude would be quite different. I could not take his comment so good - naturedly , because 1 ) what, pot calling kettle back ? He must be ... (read in full...)

We were taking it slow and then there was a complete 180, what do I do now?

Q.   About 2 years ago a friend of mine showed me the instagram of a friend. She commented on a picture of us together and inquired who I was. I could tell from her pictures that she was gorgeous and outgoing. Real life of the party type of girl. Well...

A.   2 August 2015:  Have you thought that maybe she understands perfectly why you'd feel this way- she just does not particularly care ? It is quite possible that she is / was in this for HERSELF, her narcisistic supply, her ego strokes, the pleasant and reassuring ... (read in full...)

Can a man live without sex in a marriage?

Q.   Can a married man in his mid 40's stay happily married if his wife doesn't want sex anymore? And I'm talking years now? Can a man live without sex in a marriage? ...

A.   30 July 2015: As for staying married, yes they can , and they do. Sexless marriages aren't that rare , and even more frequent those marriages where sex still happens in some rare occasions,maybe 2 or 3 times a year- out of habit and a sense of obligation. I... (read in full...)

We were taking it slow and then there was a complete 180, what do I do now?

Q.   About 2 years ago a friend of mine showed me the instagram of a friend. She commented on a picture of us together and inquired who I was. I could tell from her pictures that she was gorgeous and outgoing. Real life of the party type of girl. Well...

A.   30 July 2015: Sigh..this will sound a bit cynical, but here we go :what do you expect, dear OP ? You called this upon yourself. This comes from not following a simple rule : mean what you say and say what you mean. Think about it, how you have served her on a... (read in full...)

My boyfriend claims he is still on a dating app just to make friends?

Q.   So I've been seeing this guy and we have met loads of times, been on plenty of dates, ive met his family and stayed at his and are now dating for about two months and ive noticed hes still on the dating app... which i find insulting.. but he says ...

A.   23 July 2015:  But there are lots of sites for just making friends , if he wants platonic friends why is he on a DATING site ? ... (read in full...)

Do I leave or stay? We keep almost breaking up, then seconds later we miss each other

Q.   My boyfriend started to like someone else and he told me and I've been so hurt and the question is so we stay together? But there's more... We keep almost breaking up then seconds later we tell each other we miss each other. He loves me and he's sto...

A.   22 July 2015:  I noticed too that you posted the same question yesterday;you got 3 answers which all sounded pretty sensible to me,.. but perhaps you aren't satisfied because, as some times posters do, you want someone to just decide for you ? So that you don't ... (read in full...)

Double date with parents! What affection is appropriate?

Q.   Hi! I know I ask a lot of questions but I really like having outside opinions from people other than my peers. So anyway here's my situation. So Saturday I am going on "a double date" with my parents. My boyfriend and I and then my parents will ...

A.   22 July 2015:  Personally as a parent I would be Ok with the displays of affection you have mentioned, in fact I'd probably found you two lovebirds cute and endearing. I don't think that, unless your parents are particularly conservative because of reli... (read in full...)

Why are so many men so shallow and judgmental?

Q.   I have many female friends who are happy with their boyfriends of all shapes and sizes and seem to be totally disinterested in looking at men on the street let alone naked in porn. It is very rare I hear a female friend make a negative remark about ...

A.   22 July 2015: Well, OP, I am sure my answer is not what you are looking for, because obviously you have very firm ideas about this issue and your mind is already made up . But, for what is worth, I just want to throw in a couple of comments... - I think you are ... (read in full...)

My relationship is making me feel unconscious, mentally foggy, and extremely unhappy

Q.     I think my relationship is making me feel unconscious, mentally foggy, and unhappy and just out right not myself anymore. I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and things were great in the beginning. I thought we had the same vision in l...

A.   21 July 2015:  Hey, you just GAVE him another chance , and he just blew it ! Or, he meant that his new course in life and reformed behaviour was going to start from when you move ?? Why ? Will it be the air in the new place that will make him good, the qual... (read in full...)

Are there no gentlemen left? ? My dating has left me not interested in sex, though I have had sex

Q.   I'm 20 and I've got this problem with boyfriends. I only had four of them when I was in HS. "Matthew" was a relative of a friend and he was nice, but he annoyed me because he would just show up at my house without calling first or else he would...

A.   21 July 2015:  Poor kids :). I agree that maybe true gentlemen are hard to come by, then again WHY young men your age should NOT want sex ??! Sex is normal and natural, you can't blast people for wanting it and having it in mind. Nowadays it is assumed, that... (read in full...)

I do want him back. We can't seem to break free of each other. What can I do now that it's become a friends with benefits situation?

Q.   I'm in love with my ex. We talk several times a week, hook up regularly and have done for more than a year- basically since we broke up. He's cold and distant and at times when we meet up I feel unwanted and like i've become a "friends...

A.   21 July 2015: I agree with SVC. You should get out of this mess before you get the emotional bruising you have been cruisisng for. So he's indignant and hurt when you try to break free, h ? Sorry, Op, last thing I want is to mock you, but... I could not he... (read in full...)

How can I rekindle the fire that existed between the two of us?

Q.   How do you rekindle the fire? I have been away all summer working in a different state far away from home. I left home on May 24th and will not get back until August 15th. I have been in a long distance relationship since January, but we were only...

A.   21 July 2015: When in doubt do nothing. Seriously. The more you push and prod and come up with clever schemes- the worse. He cooled off nnoticeably, for whatever reason, and you trying to fan the embers won't come off as loving or caring etc., just as clin... (read in full...)

I don't want to cheat on my husband but don't know how long I can go being unsatisfied

Q.   So basically for the past 2 weeks or so I've been extremely horny. Like to the point that I think I might cheat on my husband if given the opportunity. I also gave myself my first orgasm ever last night. I am not being satisfied by my husband at the ...

A.   21 July 2015:  Female anon reader : sorry I would not want to sound pedantic or polemic, but I think you are using Maslow's pyramid in too a decontextualized way. Regardless of the fact that just because Maslow came up with a theory ( in 1954 !, which is e... (read in full...)

Why am I still so jealous and what do I do about it?

Q.   Why am I still so jealous? I had a fall out with a girl over a guy not so long ago - she was seeing him, but so was I prior to that too! We made it up again later (as I knew there is no point falling out over a man) but the thing is - it's hard to ...

A.   18 July 2015: OP,probably now you'll think mine is a lame advice, but maybe, if you let it sink in, in time you'll come to see it's sound advice instead. Own your actions. Live authentically ; don't be ashaned to be true to yourself. There are so many occasion... (read in full...)

My fantasy of a three-some with my wife is on my mind. And it will not go away. Any advice from those who have tried to have a threesome?

Q.   I have a long time fantasy that wants me to see my wife having sex with another guy. I have been reading Q and A's on this forum for a long time. I have read everything that very nice folks here have to say about threesomes not being a good ide...

A.   18 July 2015:  I am not going to give you my moral views on the topic but I am going to give you my very practical views, which is : to make this fantasy come true, you would need your wife's consent and cooperation, which apparently she is not going to give... (read in full...)

Boyfriend gave no thought to my feelings and invited/paid for wife to see him at marathon!

Q.   Hi, advice needed please! I am in a long distance relationship of six months. He is running the new York marathon later this year, and discussed with me the other night that he wants me there for the week, but he also wants his kids there. I sa...

A.   18 July 2015:  What I make of this ... is that maybe your bf is a bit of a klutz :). He must have,voluntarily or involuntarily, "sold " his wife the idea of this marathon trip in all different terms than it had actually to be. I guess somehow the accent w... (read in full...)

Should I go to the funeral of a very dear friend even though I'll feel like an outsider?

Q.   Dear Aunts and Uncles, Recently I received the devasting news that a friend of mine has passed away and not only am I grieving for him but it has brought up a lot of sad feelings. I knew my friend for many years (16 years) and he was best frien...

A.   16 July 2015: If you feel like going you should go. Don't worry about the other people. I have read somewhere that funerals are the ONLY social occasion where you do not need an invitation to partecipate,in other words you can't ever " crash " a funeral ... (read in full...)

How can I determine and confirm if he just wants sex?

Q.   I met a guy online and we talked for a few weeks before having our first date today at a coffee shop. We had a lot in common and he said very sweet things to me, which made me think he liked me. He knew that I was a virgin and that I had never...

A.   16 July 2015:  No, OP- that's not a matter of feminism but of using English properly. " Slut " does NOT mean " a woman who has multiple partners ". Take out any English dictionary and you'll see that it means: a slovenly woman, a slattern, a trollop. a pro... (read in full...)

Have I messed things up with guy I met online?

Q.   Hey guys..... So I met a guy online and I'm totally new to the online dating thing, and not sure If I'm entirely comfortable........ So we went on a couple of dates and things seemed to be going well, he said he liked me and I do really like ...

A.   15 July 2015:  OP, it's not us responders who are harsh. It's reality itself. Or the dating world, if you wish - it's a jungle out there :) ! Now, I don't want to make you unduly paranoid , nor I want to imply that all people you meet on dating sites are ... (read in full...)

What can I do? My Boyfriend's obsession with hot girls on Facebook causing problems

Q.   So this is more of a rant than a question, but I would love to hear some other peoples' opinions or similar experiences to mine. I'm 25 years old and my 34-year-old boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. I know, it's a young relationsh...

A.   15 July 2015: I am glad that yours is not really a question, because I do not have a real answer for you- just my personal opinion. Which it happens to be the exact same as Janniepeg's. Curiously I could almost use her exact words. I don't want to offend a... (read in full...)

We broke up and he was very upset. In view of his hurtful actions should I contact him?

Q.   Hello, I broke up with my boyfriend in April, this I thought was going to be the man I was going to marry but things just got different towards the end. I felt he wasnt putting any effort as much as he used to. The more he did this the more I ...

A.   15 July 2015: No you should not contact him. That you hoped in a chance to rekindle does not necessarily mean he would or should feel the same. He does not, and he is showing it by his actions. He is just moving on- not being " hurtful ". Actually, I do not ... (read in full...)

Should I make a final attempt to salvage a friendship? Or just let it die a slow death?

Q.   Should I make a final attempt to salvage a friendship? Best friend and I had a major falling out several months ago and the friendship just hasn't been the same. She apologized for what happened, and I told her I was going to try to accept that a...

A.   14 July 2015:  No, please, don't talk to her AGAIN. She apologized, you accepted her apologies. That should be the end of it,- also because she made very clear that she does not want to bring up the incident anymore , and if you force her again her wishes to b... (read in full...)

Have I messed things up with guy I met online?

Q.   Hey guys..... So I met a guy online and I'm totally new to the online dating thing, and not sure If I'm entirely comfortable........ So we went on a couple of dates and things seemed to be going well, he said he liked me and I do really like ...

A.   14 July 2015:  Well, yes, you sort of messed it up. Big time. Not that you have done anything WRONG , per se. Let's say that you two play by a different set of rules. Now : I agree that there was no need for him to freak out and to cut you off in such a c... (read in full...)

Is this acceptable? Recently started dating but he wants that fact to remain a secret.

Q.   We recently started dating and he told me he wants us to stay a secret. My family knows but he is afraid his conservative dad will be upset with him. I know I need to wait to see if this relationship is going anywhere but is this a red flag? Should ...

A.   14 July 2015:  Nope. Not acceptable. I admit that in this case it may be less of the big red crimson flag it would be in others. When a guy wants to keep you a secret, it's in general because there is another woman ,or more women, who are not supposed to know... (read in full...)

My mother is pushing me away. How can I get her to listen to me and accept things?

Q.   Hello everyone, I have been going through a situation for a while now. Basically I met my boyfriend back when I was in high school, we were both 18 and this was when we were friends at the time. When we were in school, he got arrested at th...

A.   3 July 2015:  I am sure my answer will disappoint you, but I can see perfectly where your mom is coming from. She might grasp intellectually the concept of " giving second chances ", and "everybody makes mistakes " and "people can change " etc.etc.... but the ... (read in full...)

Boyfriend gave no thought to my feelings and invited/paid for wife to see him at marathon!

Q.   Hi, advice needed please! I am in a long distance relationship of six months. He is running the new York marathon later this year, and discussed with me the other night that he wants me there for the week, but he also wants his kids there. I sa...

A.   2 July 2015:  Having lived many years in New York and seen many marathons there, I agree wholeheartedly with Honeypie. No way that I would let my early teen and not even teen kids go abroad to be " warched " by, let's face it, a perfect stranger in such a ... (read in full...)

I've looked forward all year to going into the ocean but because of recent shark attacks my mother is forbidding it!

Q.   This isn't exactly about a romantic relationship,but I'm really hurting and hope you will please help me. It's hurting me a lot. I've got a dilemna. I'm from the coast, and the ocean was always a big part of our lifestyle, and I never had any ...

A.   2 July 2015:  I admit that I am the worst person ever to advise you , because I have a totally irrational shark phobia, and I have been known to scout the horizon, looking for that dreadful black fin,... at the swimming pool in my apartment building :). Well, ... (read in full...)

Should I respond or shut it down?

Q.   Sheesh this is a long one, sorry! I was with this guy for almost 2 years. While it wasn't the best of relationships (it was rife with cheating and all sorts of lies and disrespect) he was my first pretty much everything and I really really li...

A.   26 June 2015:  OP, you win the Softy prize of the year :). I understand and encourage being easy going and forgiving, and not wasting precious emotional energies into holding grudges over inconsequential stuff that belongs to the past anyway .... but ther... (read in full...)

What is the difference between Friends With Benefits and a Long Distance/ Casual Relationship?

Q.   What is the difference between Friends With Benefits and a Long Distance/ Casual Relationship? Call me old fashioned here - but from a woman's point of view - I cannot see how she can get anything from FWB without having some sort of feelings for...

A.   26 June 2015:  Define " attracted ". If you mean physical attraction, yeah, that's the idea, -otherwise they'd look for more attractive ( to them ) partners,after the first time. If you mean a general vague sense of camaraderie, of familiarity, of feeling at e... (read in full...)

How do I get my head around the fact that he's rejected me because I have a child?

Q.   My ex and I were together for a year and we've been broken up for 4mos. He came back a month ago wanting a second chance but then changed his mind. He says that he doesn't want to be with me because I have a child. I'm trying my best not to cry w...

A.   23 June 2015:  He is not judging and ridiculing you, why do you say that ?! He, quite simply, does not want to date a single mom,and does not want a ready made family. That's his legitimate preference, for whatever reason of his, and does not imply a moral ... (read in full...)

Is it generally normal for a Doctor to ask a patient if the patient is married?

Q.   I had a followup with a female doctor/consultant after procedure. Big hospital, see different doctor each time usually, so probably won't see again. This one asked me if I am married, was very friendly and when I left told me how nice it was to know...

A.   22 June 2015:  Sorry my PC jumped. Or, you can reply to your doctor that this is ptivate info, or that rather not say etc./ and they will cure anyway at the best of their abilities as per the oath they took, of course. But most of the times, yes they will... (read in full...)

Is it generally normal for a Doctor to ask a patient if the patient is married?

Q.   I had a followup with a female doctor/consultant after procedure. Big hospital, see different doctor each time usually, so probably won't see again. This one asked me if I am married, was very friendly and when I left told me how nice it was to know...

A.   22 June 2015:  Yes, it's generally normal. At least, that I remember I had my last 4 GPs asking me about my marital status- and the current one is a woman. Now, I am a charming lady :)- but I do not think so universally charming that FOUR doctors , incl... (read in full...)

Was it weird and randon that he never normally talks to me and yet at a party he chatted, asked me questions and added me on facebook? Is he interested in friendship or dating?

Q.   Hi, So a few months ago, I was on a party and a guy was there, (he's 1 year younger than me). Then a few days later he added me on Facebook and started chatting with me and asking me questions and stuff, he was very nice but I found it weird and ...

A.   22 June 2015: An one year age difference is nothing, not even worth mentioning - I think that your friends are being silly and close minded. Bur, even if it was more... , do you date to please your girlfriends , or to please yourself ?! I understand about ... (read in full...)

How can guys be so insincere? I was dating him for 2 months, but now I find he already has a Gf?

Q.   I was dating with this guy from work almost 2 months. He told me yesterday and the day before he likes me and misses me. Today I asked him where he was at last night. He said he was in his gf's crib and that he was horny. I said, ^^^k him and d...

A.   22 June 2015: OP,isn't this the same guy who texted you telling you that he wants to PUMP with you because it feels so good etc.etc.? Honestly, what explanation do you want, and what did you / do you expect from him ?... Unluckily ( but luckily for you !, h... (read in full...)

Why is this ex trying to turn friends against me?

Q.   Why is an ex trying to turn my friends against me? I had a brief affair with a guy who was a bit of a player - chatting and flirting with women etc. I told him I didn't think I could be part of his life like it is and told one of my friends that ...

A.   22 June 2015:  I second " who cares what he thinks ", and I'll also add " who cares if he wins ". Wins what?- what's the prize ?- you weren't and aren't, at least I hope, in competition with this guy.You simply decided thet he is not the right person for you ... (read in full...)

How do I choose new boundaries when in the process of breaking up with someone?

Q.   I feel it may be time for me to break up with my boyfriend, even though I love him, because we're incompatible in finances and maturity. It hurts me to think of doing a cold cut from him, especially since he's my longest relationship. When you...

A.   22 June 2015:  You know, I am not sure I understand exactly what you mean. Why would you have to " redefine the boundaries while you are " in the process" of breaking up " ?!. You would have to redefine the boundaries IF you were in the process of mending, or t... (read in full...)

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