| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm hoping to get advice from all of you wise people because I have no idea what's going on. My married boyfriend left me. He said he's going back to his marriage because his wife found out about us. We've been together for several years. If anything, what we did have was an incredible sexual connection. And the sex was the best we've both ever had. In fact we have stayed together despite being incompatible in other ways because of the sexual connection. His wife doesn't like sex and doesn't have sex with him. So I'm baffled. If he had an escape with me and a comfortable life with his wife, why would he give up that kind of passion he had with me, which he didn't get/will never get from his wife? Why would he give up great sex for a life of celibacy with a woman he loves but has no sexual attraction to? I thought men would stay with sex on the side, even if it caused them a few headaches? That it wouldn't be so easy to give up passionate sex especially in a marriage where sex is missing. He loved sex enough to have the affair. Why now is he not interested enough in it to continue the affair? I know him. He's a sexual creature. As am I. I just can't believe he'd be okay without sex the rest of his life. And I'm still shocked he'd give up the kind of sex we've had. I am having trouble finding closure. I thought he'd want to still have sex and I can't wrap my head around how or why a man who loves sex as much as he does just gave it all up?? How could he choose a sexless marriage over the kind of passion we've had? HE LOVES SEX.
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2020): As a professional person (no, not an "escort", prostitute or sex worker !) I have had lots of male clients come to me upset and frustrated because their wife will not have sex with them. Some of them live in this dream World where they convince themselves it is because she is tired or busy when it is clear she has lost interest in him. These guys really do have no sex life at home or anywhere else.Most women do not want a married man or to be used as a sexual convenience so it is hardly surprising, especially when many of them do not offer much time or any trimmings such as expensive presents, holidays etc to sweeten the pot.What I find disgusting is that they talk about it as if they are planning a campaign. They tell me that they will find some "horny woman" and get sex off of her. That they have no need to pay for it. That they are good looking (very often untrue, especially with the old, bald and fat ones), that they are sexy (if this were true their wife would want them) and they are the best thing since sliced bread. They talk as if they will spot some woman somewhere, choose her because she is gorgeous and then that is it, she belongs to him. It does not matter that he is married or old or whatever, because she will be bowled over by how fantastic he is and how horny she is. They really believe this rubbish. They forget that she has met dozens of men that month with similar ideasand she would not be available if she were that easy to please.They over look that lots of men who are single, better looking, more generous, younger and more charming them them have to pay for it, so it follows they will not be getting anyone for free and will continue to dream for a long, long, long time.One guy who tried it on with me got very angry at me saying I would never go with a man much older than me and married and said something like "but I want sex and you want sex, so my age and being married should not matter to you... I do not mind that you are married so you should not mind that I am" He was forgetting that I can be far more fussy than him because I get far more offers,and if I were inclined to I could get paid for it and not have to give it away, because of supply and demand. If his age and being married did not matter then at that rate I would have soon had 500 regular "lovers" who were all taking advantage of me and using me.I find it very cold blooded and extremely selfish to plan to meet a woman and turn her into their sex puppet.It is not so bad if a man is frustrated and bored at homeand then quite by chance he meets someone and sparks fly. But to plan it and organise it over weeks, months or years has a callous streak, both towards the wife and the other woman.I once had a client who was a bit more decent and likeable than most of the others. He did have a mistress and he really had fallen for her. He really did want to be with her genuinely, and he felt very cut up about not being able to. Both for his own sake and hers.His was very extremely ill and I knew all of the details and knew them to be true. But she had been ill when it started and he should have thought of that then, so should she. It was clear the wife would become more and more ill until she died, so what did they expect?The man was not the sort to put it about or go with anyone and I was sure he would be with his mistress in an open relationship later when his wife had passed over.But I could also see that how they met, why they met and how it happened would blight any relationship they ever formed openly.
A
female
reader, AnnaGreen  +, writes (17 September 2020):
 Quite often when you hear about a man wanting or having a mistress people say stuff about how he has found someone else. They totally do not get it. The man is often older than the woman. He is very limited in time and money.He cannot be seen out with her. There is no way he would be able to get someone else. Who would want a guy who offers no money, no time, no going out, secrets and older than her?Over the years I have met lots of married men who were seeking mistresses. There are now dating agencies especially for them. In a way they are a scam and rely on the man being pragmatic and wanting to save money.Take the leading agency. It charges £120 per week for the men to be members and able to email into the message boxes of the female members. The women can join freeand I know for a fact that half of them are really pretend customers, staff pretending, because otherwise the men would soon work out the place is bereft of enough suitable women wanting to meet a married man and stop paying.What is going on in these silly mens' heads is this.They know that if they go to a bar they have to buy someone loads of drinks and then take her out a few times and all with no guarantee that she will ever sleep with them. They also know that when they say the magic words I am married most women spit in their eye and lose interest.But they believe that there are married women (and even some very stupid and easily pleased single women) out there who long to have a thing with a married man.Either because they cannot get a single man, or are not much to look at, or have no self esteem. This will do for them because they want it all for free.Instead of paying a prostitute so much an hour for sex they think ah I will pay £120 a week to that agency and get one of those silly and or desperate women to satisfy me. And if I can get her to do that for at least a few years I am quids in.There is this fantasy a lot of men have that a married woman is gagging for it, that her husband does not want her and she is so desperate and unable to get a single man so she is ripe for the picking by married men.Yet this totally over looks the fact that most married women are good looking and desirable enough they could easily get a single man. It also over looks that many prostitutes are married women and the fact they are married does not mean they cannot charge and charge as much as a single one!Usually after up to a month the man realises he is paying £120 a week to be able to mail these women through their message box system and getting no replies, or he is receiving replies from the staff who are pretending to be serious about it and trained to keep them interested for as long as possible without actually meeting.Bang goes this fantasy that by investing £120 for a short time they have got themselves a free high class call girl at their beck and call.No, men who have a mistress and lose interest in her have not found someone else, they have become more work orientated or become older and slower or just lose interest in her - usually because she is banging on about not being happy with being a secret and asking him when he is going to leave his wife. This is when all of his birds come in to roost and he brought this on himselfbecause right at the start the only way he could get her to sleep with him was to promise to leave the wife.In some cases the man then finds a way to wiggle out of keeping this promise for a while - i.e. his wife is now ill, he can say that it would be crass and disgusting to leave her now. His children are of a certain age so he says they need him to stay at home until they grow up.But many of these excuses cannot be used forever.One of the things the silly mistress does is to assume that if he was keen on her at the start and ten years has passed he must be just as keen on her now. Why?He was not just as keen on his wife after ten years.Why is there a guarantee that a secret relationship is stronger or more likely to last? Quite the opposite.The mistress often forgets that her lover lies to his wife regularly and likes to believe he is honourable, honest and caring with her as if she is more worthy and special! Yet she is not worthy of being with him full time. How does that add up.The mistress often becomes desperate and extremely selfish with no thought to the wife or kids only herself.In most cases she has never met them or spoken to them so she only knows what he tells her and much of this is lies. Yet despite her being very callous and cold hearted towards the wife she expects everything to be honest and unselfish towards her!Sometimes a man treats his wife in a disgusting manner and gloats to his mistress about how he has found a way to hurt her or stop her from getting some of his assets.Yet still it does not sink in, it still does not occur to her that one day he could be just as cold and heartless towards her.Thinking back, when I was about 25 and had just divorced my husband and was living on my own for the first time ever, I remember the husband of a work colleague and friend turning up on my doorstep telling me that he and his wife never had sex - this was true - she had told me about it) and that we must have sex regularly. I remember being disgusted because he said it as if I was just some sort of prostitute or blow up doll, only, of course, he never mentioned anything to do with a real relationship such as going out, doing other things, spending proper amounts of time together, or paying me for my "services". It was all about him. I was also disgusted because I was about 25 and he was about 50. And because he was not my type. He could barely read and write and had no personality. I would not have considered a man of 25 who was single if he was that awful. But this guy got it into his head that he was going without and I must be going without - being a woman on my own - so I must say yes! What he was forgetting was that I could easily sell sex or get a man who is single and half his age and nicer. But he made the same mistake many men make.He rarely met other women and he had no chance of any of them agreeing anyway, he was desperate, so it suited him to see me as being desperate too.If you are single and you meet a charming married man who says all the right things remember he is doing this for his sake not yours and he probably means none of what he says - it is all about him and what he wants. He will not care if you have a lonely life, he will not be there for you or care if you are ill, he will not be helping you with finances, you are the one making all of the sacrifices so that he has a better life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2020): You have wrote on here so many times, I can tell by your wording you are the same person and this 'dilemma' you have has been rumbling on for years. His going away with his family has caused you angst, his not leaving her has caused you angst, you wondering if you should tell her you exist has caused you angst, all posts worded differently but amounting to the same thing.Time and time again you have been advised to consider his wife who I'm pretty sure you have completely dismissed as some inconvenience in your relationship. I'm sorry but you come across as narcissistic, it's all about you. How great you are in bed, how sexually amazing you are, how the chemistry is oh so amazing with you. You are in my age bracket, twenty years ago I had your mindset but now I know with absolute certainty an affair with someone else's man is nothing special if it is based on exactly what you describe each and every time, it's based on sex and sadly you just don't seem to have worked out you have to have so much more to offer and another woman's man is the wrong place to look for love and companionship.You invest in this relationship because you like the angst, the drama, you have such low worth for yourself you cannot see you deserve to be more than this man's side piece and he has let you know this, time and time again.I think you need to go see a counsellor and dig down into why you cannot see what everyone else can see, you are simply obsessed with what you know you can't have, it's a block in your life, an absolute complete waste of your life and absolutely does not bring out the best in you, there is a reason. For your own sake move on from this man, learn to love yourself and find peace in yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2020): Because that is all is was SEX, that is all you keep mentioning repeatedly.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2020): He's told you that he doesn't have sex with his wife? They ALL say that. All of them. Of course he has sex with his wife. Why do you believe him?
...............................
A
female
reader, AnnaGreen +, writes (16 September 2020):
I had a friend who was very respectable and decent. At the time she was aged about 40 and single, having become a widow. By chance she met a married man and he pursued her, he pestered her relentlessly saying he needed her, loved her, must spend time with her and all the rest. She knew for a fact that he had no sex life with wife, she knew his wife and his wife had told her that too. They were one of those couples where the man is the breadwinner and head of the family there as a pillar of the community for his children and the rest of the family and in return she cooks, cleans and puts a false smile on her face.This man made my friend loads of promises about leaving the wife and being with her full time and then always had excuses for pushing it back another six months.In many ways she was better off with it like this. She liked living alone and would have had to help him financially (and he was terrible with money) if he had come to her properly.It was clear to everyone that this man really was smitten by my friend, he was spending so much time with her he was very rarely at home with any of his family, he spent as much time with her as he did at work. He really did his best but as time went on he started to make excuses about going away on business trips and other things.She found out quite by chance that when he was supposedly away on a business trip he was still at home and leading his normal life - less than a mile away! But he wanted a break from her. He did not have anyone else, but her making it clear to him that she was not happy with being his secret, and spending so much time with her had worn him down and started to bore him.My friend had the last laugh. He was a well known person, a figure head in the community. He had sent her many christmas and birthday cards full of words of love and promises. She sold her story and all of these cards to a national newspaper. Not because she was short of money or revenge, but she had promised him that if he ever lied to her or let her down she would do this. As a result he had to move away from the area, which is one of the reasons I think she did it, it would have been much more difficult for her if he had still been so near.But women can be so naive about men. They seem to assume that if they are decent and honest and loving then the man must be too, and he must mean everything he says and promises. In many cases the man just wants sex and is too mean to pay prostitutes for it, it saves him an enormous amount of money if he can have you dangling on a bit of string eager to service him for free. It gets even more ridiculous when the man only comes to you for sex and is" too busy " for the other bits that are usually part of a relationship, such as going out for a meal or a drink. If a man is going to treat you like a prostitute then you might as well be one and charge a lot and even then you could pick and choose and insist your customers are good looking, young, single or whatever suits you.It seemed to us that he had picked her because she was "single", lived alone and was lonely, she was also a lot younger than him and just around the corner. It seemed to us that this man like many men saw some women as entertainment and fun and his wife and women like her as conveniences, a front, and the respectable boring one who tends to house. We often wondered why she put up with it.I have known women put up with being the bit on the side to a married man who pays her or gives her a lot in return, but why let a man like that be so selfish with him and use you so much if all you get is borrowing his body for sex when it suits him? If sex is so important surely you are better off with a single man who is available when it suits you and more often?Are you supposed to turn off your sexual urges when your married man is too busy or not interested?I remember I once met a married man who kept trying it on with me and he said to me that he would be very happy for me to go with other men while he was too busy to visit.BIG DEAL. It did not seem to occur to him that if I had met a really nice single man I liked enough to date and sleep with then there would have been no need for him.He would have been superfluous to requirements.I remember my friend used to be all alone at Christmas and New Year, longing for a five minute secret phone call where the man would tell her words of love and devotion and insist he would much rather be with her and cannot wait to see her again. What a load of lies. He could have been with her, he chose not to be.Stop letting a man control you and your future. Be your own person and think with your head not your faulty heart.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2020): I was in the same position but i was the other party, my lover couldn’t understand why i choose my hubs over him, when the sexual chemistry was off the chart, but that was it... just amazing sexual chemistry and nothing else, despite me and the OH having a few issues including not having a sexual relationship , i love him deeply and what we’ve got is worth more to me than good sex... just took me a few years to figure that out and a bit of a ego adjustment on my part.
Even now my lover texts me, trying to convince me to change my mind but i won’t, he offers nothing more to me than sex and i’m sure in my later life that won’t be that important to me as much as real love and companionship.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (16 September 2020):
Assuming of course that he doesn’t actually have sex with his wife... (which incidentally I very much doubt! Mistresses always say they KNOW their married men are being honest about that, but how can they? They’re not honest about anything else so why would they be about the frequency of sex at home?) ...then the fact is simply that sex isn’t as important as you believe it is. Of course it’s enjoyable and most people would probably prefer to have it, but if it was a choice between losing sex or the person you love? Most people would choose love. It’s sad that you’ve given so much of your life to this man OP, knowing that you’re not compatible, when you could have been building a relationship with an available man in which you would understand exactly why someone would choose it over sex on the side.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2020): I find it hard to believe that you believe he is in a sexless marriage. That line along with my wife doesn't understand me is straight out of the cheaters playbook.
He is not going to leave the comfort of his home and family just for sex. Heck he can get sex anywhere. In fact I promise you he is getting it at home.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (16 September 2020):
 How is it possible that you can't see that he isn't about to leave his wife his home and his lifestyle for you??
What it is going to take to wake you up so that you can see that he is MARRIED to her and in the end, he's going to chose HER not you.
You have posted on her numerous times OP and yet you STILL don't get it. Why is that? WAKE UP! He may enjoy sex with you but in the end, its not enough that he's going to leave her for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2020):
 Very possible.
You said it yourself : he loves her. Granted it's not a great love otherwise he would not have disrespected her all this time by cheating with you, but let's say that he loves her as much as such a selfish type can love. I think that , forced to choose between love and sex, most people if not all would choose love. Losing you he only loses sex (..btw I am sure that even that has become less toe-curling and exciting than it used to be. By now he has seen all your repertoire, and the appeal of novelty and naughtiness has paled ). Losing her he loses love, companionship and frendship. Family too, perhaps , if they've got kids or in-laws ; his reputation. Their common social life, the home they share. ( Not to mention if she decides to take him to the cleaners... ) .In short, if he loses you he loses few hours of fun a week . If he loses her- he has to rebuild an entire life.
Easy choice, and not that hard to put in practice. I am sure that quitting smoking is much harder !. and yet people do it all the time, if they have to.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2020): I've seen this question asked quite a lot lately.Are you the same person? I might just give you the benefit of the doubt and answer anyway ...No amount of sexual attraction can pull a man away from his wife permanently because what is between them is love ...yes I appreciate he was a selfish pig and sought gratification outside the marriage but he has a nice home set up with a woman who has his dinner on the table when he gets home. He made his vows to her (and he probably DOES have sex with her - hate to break that to you angel)!If they have kids then that is also a pull you will never be able to break.Basically what you two had was nothing - lust at best - but I even doubt that. He saw you as an easy lay and he took it because you gave it to him ....Do you not think you're a bit old for playing around with married men? At what point do you say 'enough' and go find something more meaningful? (i suspect you have fallen in love with your married man else you wouldn't be here with this issue but you just have to get back out there and learn from this!)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2020): The sex is now as predictable and ordinary as sex at home.
There ain't no-way you can keep it fresh and new indefinitely, no matter how kinky you get! After awhile, he'll become repulsed at the fact you'd do just about anything. Yes, he would have the unmitigated gall to judge you!
He respects his wife, but he uses you to do things he wouldn't want her to do.
It's cheaper to keep her! His wife has now laid-down the law; and will probably castrate him! Then she'll drag him through a nasty divorce; and take him for all he's worth. She has had it with this mess! The fact is, your sex is no more that sensational than sex with anybody else. Men do get used to it, my dear! You used to be his dish on the side. He has probably found himself a new one. Did you expect this to have a happy-ending? No pun intended!
He's tired of the affair; and wants to go home and stop sneaking around. You're both getting older, and the thrill is gone. Neither of you are in your 20's anymore!
Besides, how would you know what their love-life is like? He can tell you anything, and you'd believe it. Look how long you stayed his mistress! Bet you thought he'd leave his wife for you too?
How is this possible? How about the fact that he's married!
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (15 September 2020):
 His wife found out about you guy's. Whether he come clean and told her, or she found out in another way we don't know.
He now has the task of trying to repair his marriage, repairing the damage he has done to the woman he stood at the alter with and swore on faithfulness.
One things go pear shaped a married man will always choose to go back to the wife, leaving the mistress out in the cold.
Is that the kind of life you are willing to have?. seeing a married man, being that bit on the side, only seeing you when its convenient for them to slip away, only for them to slip back to the marrital bed once they have fulfilled their sexual appetite, leaving you sleeping alone.
I would think long and hard about whether this is the life you want. There are plenty of single men out there with strong sex drives, that don't come with all the complications.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (15 September 2020):
 He LOVES his wife. He ENJOYS sex. There is a difference.
It's interesting that you say "we have stayed together despite being incompatible in other ways". So it was only sex which kept you together. In the end that is not enough.
He was happy to have the affair as long as he could have that AND his wife. Now that she has found out, he has to make a choice - and he has chosen her. He is not unique in this. Most married men, when the wife finds out about the mistress, will stay with the wife.
He may come back when things have calmed down and she is no longer watching his every move. However, would you really want him back, knowing he will dump you as soon as his wife finds out he is seeing you again?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 September 2020):
 Because sex is great, and great sex is even better... but not the "be all end all" for everyone.
He obviously made a choice between HER and YOU and chose HER. You don't have a "magical snatch". He LOVED himself enough to cheat because he wanted sex. You were entertainment. I know that doesn't sound nice, but that is probably the reality. IF there was ANY "love" involved.... He would have left his wife or divorced her and become single SEEKING a partner who can fulfill his needs.
When you get involved with a married person, the likelihood of anything GOOD and healthy coming of it, is pretty low. Because it BEGAN over a foundation of lies and deceit.
I will also point out that you need to focus on your own choices and actions and not his, because you have no control over what HE does.
YOU did this to yourself, YOU are aware of that, right?
He didn't have this affair with you and kept you in the dark about being married.
YOU didn't HAVE to get into an affair with a married man. YOU made that choice.
Maybe it's time to RETHINK your life choices.
...............................
|
