A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend got really drunk on Friday. We were out. He drank way too much, too fast. He was a mess, I was embarrassed. One of his friends made a comment about him sobering up one day, and my boyfriend went to try and punch him, but the bloke got away. I tried to get my boyfriend to walk home with me. We sat down on a bench. A random bloke walked past and said hello. My boyfriend got up and shoved the man. The man was angry and asked what's the matter, why was he so aggressive? They ended up in a horrible fist fight. At one point I was stood between the man and my boyfriend, to physically try to stop them fighting. A poor passer by also got attacked by the random man, and punched 3 times. My boyfriend picked the wrong man to have a go at. We got away from the man and boyfriend said he wanted to go back and kill him. He was so angry. Long story short, as much as I can, the night ended. I stayed at a friend's house. Boyfriend got home safe. Neither men were badly injured. The police weren't involved. My boyfriend was so luck nothing serious happened. I felt physically sick after the event. I've not been in a violent situation like that before.I am upset by the amount my boyfriend drinks. He doesn't drink on weekdays but at the weekend he drinks both days, and gets very drunk. His personality changes when he's drunk. He becomes angry, irrational, volatile. I don't like drinking with him anymore. I don't want to be around him drunk. I don't know who I'm going to get. I've spoken to him about it. He seemed remorseful but he still went out after the event and drank, despite me telling him how it affected me. Point is, we've been together 3 years. I've not seen him do this before, starting a fight, but the drinking is an ongoing thing. I don't think he'll stop drinking. It's too much a part of his life. This incident showed me how seriously the alcohol affects him. Even the man who was fighting my boyfriend was saying, it's the alcohol, he's not right in the head, and he turned to me and said you need to get away from him and take care of yourself. I know he's right too.I don't know how to do this. I've found a spare room, they said it's available. I'm scared to reply and get the ball rolling. I know it's going to be an emotional upheaval. I've got an exam in 2 weeks. I've got work overtime commitments. I'm scared that if I don't get all my stuff out of his flat in one go, that he won't let me get everything. That happened with the last bloke. It's a lot to think about. I've a lot going on. I can't deal with a break up, a house move and an exam altogether. What should I do? Wait until after exam? Move out asap and postpone the exam if I can? I know I should leave this guy, logically. All the signs point to leave. But my life is tied up with his. I also care about him. I think he needs help, he is a veteran and possibly has ptsd which possibly is why he drinks. But I can't help him, he has to get help for himself. I need to look after myself.
View related questions:
a break, drunk, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (4 September 2020):
 Don't wait, just go. I know you have an exam but this is going to be on your mind anyway if you don't and I'm sure you must have a friend or two who would come and help you move.
You say he only drinks at weekends which is when he gets nasty so leave on a weekday and have a friend with you, preferably two.
Once you've left block his number on your phone and remove him from your social media and ensure your settings are private so he can't start pestering you. Then focus on your exam.
I left my abusive boyfriend in my twenties shortly before my midwifery finals and it was the best thing I ever did. I passed with flying colours which I'm not sure I would've done if I had stayed.
I understand your fear of leaving but in my experience, the preparing to leave is harder than the actual leaving. Once your gone a weight is lifted.
I hope this helps and I wish you all the best in your exams ABx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2020): He gets drunk and starts fights with strangers. He has threatened to kill someone. If he is a veteran with PTSD, I urge you to take him seriously when she makes those kinds of threats. A complete stranger told you that he's not right in the head; and advised you that you should get away from him. I'm a veteran too, and the last one to speak ill of my brethren soldiers. PTSD is an illness, not an excuse for violence, drug-abuse, or alcoholism. If he isn't being treated, he is as dangerous as a loaded-gun. As a soldier, he is taught to be a weapon.
You should study and get through your exams first. Thereafter, move your stuff out little by little with the help of your friends.
Invite male family-members into this situation to help you. They need to see him with their own eyes to know who he is. While he has to realize you have backup and protection. Friends are not enough. When aggressive-men know you have family-support, especially males; they tend to check their aggression, and realize these men will do whatever it takes to protect you. Friends might turn-tail and run-out on you! They may not even want to get involved at all!
Stop messing around with this volatile situation. Eventually, you yourself will be caught-up in a potentially dangerous situation; by sticking around too long, and going back and forth with your feelings. That's how you'll get him crazy, and he may do things that will eventually involve the police. The drinking is getting worse, and his angry flare-ups are escalating to physical-violence. Those are very bad signs. I know, I've worked in as a medical technician in a veteran's hospital; with patients suffering from combat-related physical injuries and mental-health issues.
With the support of male-family members present, that's when you should inform him you are leaving; or he'll come looking for you while he's drunk. Do not allow him to contact you, or visit you once you leave. That has the potential to be a very nasty scene. Your love is more dangerous than helpful to him. He isn't in the state of mind to use it to diffuse his aggression; but you will more likely fuel it. Drinking diminishes your inhibitions and judgement. Emotional-situations set aggressive-men off more than any other kind of situation.
I know without any doubt, you've dealt with his temper. You purposely left it out; because you don't want to be pressured to leave him. You don't have to just suddenly do it; it should be done methodically, and with your family around you to show you've got folks to watch your back. In these days and times, so many people have alienated their family; and they're left in the world with nobody to turn to. I pray that isn't the case for you. Friends will choose sides, but family is loyal to you!
Plan things out carefully. I re-emphasis that you must alert your family. Ask them to be around when you let him know why you have to go. Then you can't go running back to him; and causing him to act-out, or use aggression to make you stay. You had an incident before with a guy; which means you pick guys who are aggressive and violent.
It seems he may not be the only one needing some counseling. If these are the kind of men you choose to be around; you need to know why you're repeating that kind of behavior. Once you get out of a situation like that; you never go back!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2020): I agree with other aunts.
The bottom line is: it doesn't matter WHY he behaves the way he does. There are very few really evil men. Abusive husband you see may suffer from PTSD, abusive fathers may suffer from ADHD related anxiety and depression that manifests as aggression, passive-aggressive people may have been the victims of previous mental or physical abuse... and the list goes on and on...
My point is, everyone HAS a (valid) reason. Some heavy drinkers use alcohol as a "treatment" for depression. Many undiagnosed people who suffer from anxiety/depression/personality disorders... use drugs and/or alcohol. They wreak havoc on those who are closest to them and want to help them and that's the truth.
My husband suffers from depression and anxiety and has used meds and alcohol to self-treat. He also has bouts of anger. Do you know what the difference is between your bf and him? My husband is aware of it and has taken steps to get better. He took responsibility and accepted that he has a choice. He became mindful of his behavior etc. It's not easy, nut his improvement was remarkable! Had he not done that I would have left him. Plain and simple. But he really did the work, found therapist, stopped abusing meds, stopped drinking when faced with social anxiety... realized that his anger is unprovoked... I really saw improvement, he wasn't just making empty promises.
So don't let him promiss you anything.
He has to show you!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (1 September 2020):
 OP, as a former victim of domestic abuse, I cannot urge you strongly enough to get out NOW. Your boyfriend is dealing with both alcohol and anger issues and the 2 do not go well together. He may not have hit you yet, but the odds are eventually he will if he doesn't get help.
Take the room, call in favors from family and friends and get the hell out. If you can reschedule your exam, do so. If not, just take it and then you can focus on other things in your life.
PLEASE get out before you get hurt. It took a broken arm for me to leave my abusive husband and he wasn't even a drunk. Drunkeness and alcohol are even more dangerous. Take care of yourself please.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (1 September 2020):
 I agree with the other aunts. OP you need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
The longer you leave it the harder it will become. Stop keep talking yourself out of leaving him, instead of coming up with reasons why you can't, come up with reasons why you can.
He is a dangerous man, unpredictable, lashing out at innocent folk. Just how long is it going to be before there are no members of the public to hit, then he turns his anger towards you.
I don't think you should wait to find out, i think you should run for the hills and get out of there fast. Once you have gone, you will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you can gradually get your life back together.
Maybe speak to the board regarding your exam, maybe tell them you are going through some emotional upheaval and see if they can extend it for you.
But i think your main priority should be to leave him. ASAP.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 September 2020):
 ... And the prize for Clutching-at-straws World Championship goes to...OP ! You know very well that those you mention are just lame excuses to delay doing what you should do .
As a matter of fact, since this exam is only two weeks away, and two weeks do not change things much in the general scheme of things in most situations, I was tempted to say : sure, if you feel more comfortable in focusing on your exam right now, pass your exam first then , right after, move out ...Of course , hoping that in the next 2 weeks he has not killed you, crippled you or wounded you during some alcohol-fuelled aggression. But, with a bit of luck, and some prudence , maybe you can make it unscathed for two more weeks. The problem, IMO, is ... that in two weeks you'll find some other compelling reason ... like that you have a dentist appointment, or you need to go to the nail salon... !, for delaying your break up.
You just don't feel- may you don't allow yourself to feel - what the average sensible person would feel in your shoes : scared to death. And totally utterly disgusted , revulsed and turned off.
The " but I love him ! " excuse it's only good to a certain( moderate ) extent.
Your bf is a criminal. It may be not all his fault , he's a vet , possible ptsd, yada yada yada... the fact remains that he willingly and knowingly drinks until he will lose control and will attack viciously innocent bystanders . People who has not done anything to him, and who does not know him from Adam. He is a caveman, a criminal ( and the fact that police has not been involved yet only goes to show that your bf is a lucky guy, not that what he does is ok or the offence is minor : assault and battery is a serious matter ).
But he is such a great guy , though... Oh please OP, do you realize that what you are saying is similar to " he would be such a great guy if he weren't a bank robber , or a drug dealer ". Like, who frigging cares if he is such a great guy who,say, brings you flowers and buy you chocolates ....if he goes around threatening and punching people without even having being provoked ?
Your bf, as he is at the moment, is a disgrace and a menace for himself, for you and for the society at large.
The fact that, regardless of what you are seeing and living , repeatedly , this days, you refuse to take a stand and to do the right thing- i.e. to disassociate yourself from him and his unacceptable behaviour , sorry but IMO says something about you too, your values and your prorities. As for your bf, he has his troubled past and his " possible " ptsd as his excuse - but what's yours , for tolerating and abetting his irresponsible, antisocial, law-breaking behaviour ?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 September 2020):
 Get the room, call in favors from ALL your friends to come help move you out. Make sure you have enough moving boxes for all your stuff.
Postponing your exam is a little late as it is, unless you feel you can't do a good job at your exam, I would get it over and dome with so you can focus on your career/work/ further schooling.
You KNOW what you need to do but you are looking for excuses to not do it. At some point those punches and fists will either hurt or kill another man, or end up going in YOUR direction.
Get out ASAP.
...............................
|
