A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My son met his gf when he first went to work abroad a few years ago. She is from Brasil.Last year he got all the paperwork he needed and headed off to Brasil to get married. She had told them they could marry in 6wks from his arrival, but that luckly was not the case and he had to leave Brasil and return to work.Myself and his Dad were also asked to keep it a secret from the rest of our family!He wasn't telling his friends!He would then return this year and have a church blessing and a party. We were at our wits end!He has now asked for our paperwork so she can get pre-settlement-status, which we know very little about!We are not happy with the relationship as she seems to call all the shots and does very little for herself!Looks like he pays for everything, including her expensive flights and has had to go into overdraft to pay for all this. We are norml working people and when he comes home with her they don't pay anything towards their keep. They sleep half the day and do very little in the house. I'm worried for him and I'm worried about what he is dragging us into. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2020): Why not insist your son rents or gets his own place when he is here with her. That way you know that he is not just visiting you to lean on you financially and going to expect too much from you. And it shows he is responsible and mature. It would be interesting to see if she loses interest then. If his relationship is going to flounder it is better it goes wrong now rather than in a few years.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2020): I don't get it. Why are all these paperworks needed ? In most countries all he has to do is marry her in her country and register the marriage in his countrys embassy (in his case the British Embassy) and apply for a visa for her to enter Britain as his wife and then apply for her for a permit to stay in Britain till she is granted the citizenship. That is of course if has a job and he can support her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): I come across this a lot. Parents who let their kids run rings around them and use them left right and centre and then act all stunned and surprised. Acting more like kids than their children. Their kids never bother to stay in touch or visit them until they want something, then they roll out the red carpet and treat them like Royalty. It is as if they are scared that if they don't doff their cap to them all of the time they will disappear and not bother to contact them again. So they buy their visit with bribes like free board and lodging.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): As someone she's coming from a country people are running from... be very VERY careful. You cannot imagine what people would do (and I have seen some people do all sorts of things) to go to one of the "good countries". Suckering someone into marriage is number 1 trick. Actually, I know only one couple, apart from my husband and me, who left together and stayed together. Most of our friends have left our country of origin and made their homes in USA, UK, France, Canada, Italy, Iceland, Spain, Norway, Sweden... by getting married to a native. Some of them even left their partner AND kids to do this. I'm not saying that, to quote one of them, "there is no love involved", but their intentions were to get the right papers. Period. Some women even got pregnant to do this...What worries me is that your son isn't celebrating his love by sharing the news with family and friends. get some distance, she is USING him and on some level he KNOWS it, that's why he's not telling anyone. He knows what will people think even if they say nothing.Don't give him any of your papers. You will be responsible for her and you don't know her. Actually, you do to some extant and what you know is not flattering. She's financially using your son.I know that you care about your son, but it's his life and his decisions. If he's not able to pull this off, maybe he shouldn't. Some people fall for partners "out of their league" and will do anything to get them. I'm afraid that your son might have tripped and fell for someone who doesn't care about him. What she sees is a passport.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 September 2020):
 I agree with Cindy,
DO some googling! Don't just presume your son knows what is needed, though I'd say it's HIS business, not yours, unless he expects YOU and your husband to be her sponsor (if they use that in the UK, I'm not familiar either).
Also, I think I would put my foot down here. You are in your 50's so I will presume (sorry) that you son is AT least 20-25? So IF he wants to BRING over a WIFE, he needs to be out on his own and be financially ABLE to take care of her. I would NOT sign any kind of papers that leaves YOU and your husband financially responsible for his wife.
Whether you like her or not, is irrelevant. Either you are willing to have them BOTH live with you and MOOCH of you or you are not.
I would DEFINITE draw up an living arrangement agreement with your son IF he bring her over. If he doesn't want HER to do any chores, THOSE chores are on him. Rent, food costs...
My guess is you have let him live rent-free even though he has a job that takes him to Brazil and back.
You NEED to have a sit down with him. He needs to make a budget and SHOW you and your husband that he can AFFORD to have a wife. Afford to bring her over.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 September 2020):
 I don't know what paperwork are you talking about in ref. to pre-settled status. And from your side,too ... ?
Either this girl qualifies for pre-settled, or she does not.
If she does, she just would need to apply on line ; that's all.
Anyway, she can check if she qualifies, and you can get all the infos you want about pre-settled and settled status, just consulting the UK government site. "Gov.uk ".
( TBH, I am a bit surprised that you are computer savvy enough to submit your quastion to Dear Cupid, but not to type in " pre-settled status " on your keyboard and obtain all the knowledge that you ever may need about it ) .
For the rest, frankly, in your shoes I would not interfere with the choices your son makes for his love life. He is an adult, he does not owe you to marry someone of your liking. You are not happy with this relationship- and you don't have to be, because it's not your relationship , but your son's. Who knows, maybe facts will prove you right in future and this relationship won't stand to the test of time. Alas, that's the destiny of about half of long term relationships, or more, including those blessed with parental approval. Even if your son is making a wrong choice- people have the right to make their choices, wrong or right, to make mistakes, and parents should try , regardless, to stay positive, act supportive , and be the least judgemental that's possible.
As for when they reside under your roof- well, that's simple: TELL them to pay towards their keep. Charge them a fee, not like a regular hotel's fee , of course, but a contribution to the family expenses. As for sleeping half day... uhm I dunno, didn't you say your son has a job, how can he have the freedom to sleep half day every day ? I think you are exaggerating . Maybe the girl is sleeping half day and not helping you around the house- but you have to consider that in Latin countries ( and also in several European countries ) the concept of hospitality is very different from Anglo Saxon mentality, if you have relatives or friends over for a vacation, you don't ask them to do anything at all , and they don't offer , or rarely,... because they are not supposed to ! A guest is a guest, " a precious jewel laid on the pillow of hospitality ". So maybe this girl is not particularly lazy or particularly rude, she just considers herself, during her visits at your home ,... in vacation. Of course, though, things should necessarily change if they need to stay with you for a longer period of time. Then, it's not a "visit" anymore, they need to contribute financially and workwise. Tell them. Set your boundaries; stae your rules and requirements. That's your son,! you should be able to sit him down and work out an agreement ! you should be able to spell out for him the rules and conditions under which you are willing to host him and his gf !If you can't talk frankly with your son, with wom else can you ? No need to be harsh or confrontational, just matter-of-fact: "this is what I need , in money and otherwise, if you need to live with us..." If he does not agree , he is free to find another accomodation, no hard feelings from either side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): [EDIT]:Typo corrections
"I'd simply give him a deadline to find him and his girlfriend another place to live."
Otherwise, abide by your house-rules. Make him pay rent, and help with the grocery bill.
"Is he hiding the fact he's spending his money frivolously and neither you nor your husband have a clue what to do...even though this mess is happening under your own roof?"
It's all a big secret for deniability, in-case there's any government probing. It's to keep things hush-hush; while his girlfriend tries to qualify for pre-settled status to live, work, and attend school in the UK. If granted, she can stay for up to five years. If he and his bride live in Brazil, they can stay up to two years without losing pre-settled status. It's kind of complicated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): He's not dragging you into anything. You're just not resisting or putting your foot down. Why are you blaming the woman? It's your grown-son who enabled her to get there; and he's now taking over your home. You're coming to an advice site asking what to do about your own son? It's your house!
I'd simply tell give him a deadline to find him and his girlfriend another place to live. You're trying to treat your son like he's still a child. He's old enough to go to Brazil, he's old enough to go get a woman, and then bring her back...to "YOUR" house!!! Then let him be grown enough to figure-out what to do with her, and where they should live!
She's calling the shots, because your son is being impetuous, and thinking from behind his zipper! He's not showing you or your husband the respect you deserve. He's not demonstrating what you've both instilled in him as values and responsibility. You're not showing either of them who's boss in your own home!
Do you want advice, or did you really just need to vent? That's the question. The answer to your dilemma is pretty obvious. Reclaim your house, lay-down your rules; and if they aren't met, kick them out! Tell anybody you like! If he really wanted it to be a secret; he'd be keeping it under his own roof, under his own lock and key! You'd be as oblivious about it as the rest of the family!
They sleep half the day? Why? Maybe because you let them. Why are you keeping secrets? Are you ashamed that your son has, more or less, commandeered and appropriated control over your home? Filling it with chaos and drama! Is it the fact he's out of control? Is he hiding the fact he's spending his money frivolously and b neither you nor your husband have a clue what to do...even though this mess is happening under your own roof?
Your relatives would only ask you why are you allowing it? Not that it's any of their business. Although, it might leave everyone shaking their heads in astonishment.
Now let me get this right. He goes to Brasil, and brings back a woman. Doesn't have a pot to pee in, or window to throw it out of! Meanwhile, your house has become a free bed and bath; but somehow, the girl gets the blame. I think she's just smarter than your son! She gets free plane tickets, free meals, and free lodging. All this at your son's expense; and as it happens, he doesn't have his own place. He wants you to keep it all a big secret! I'm still scratching my head as to why he wants you and his father to keep it a secret?
Give them a deadline to get this mess under control. If he's old enough to get married; then he's old enough to figure-out where to find a place to live, and how to get his act together. You're spoiling him, and treating him like a man-baby! Your payback is recklessness and a houseful of nonsense! Then don't complain!
If he has pre-settled status, your son can live outside the UK for up to two consecutive years without losing his status. He will have to maintain proof of his continuous residence; if he wants to qualify for settled status. Thus, he's living at home with you and your husband; and intends to use your place of residence as his continuous residence. You've been duped!
Who does the house belong to, and who's the king and queen of your castle???
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