A
female
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CindyCares
writes:Yeah I know : ultimately love is a mystery, not an exact science. There's always an element of sheer luck, of serendipity, of magic in it. Some times you do everything right, by the book, you are the perfect gf / wife / lover .. and you still get dumped . Other times, you can behave like a tiger with a bad case of PMS... and there still will be a happily ever after. We do not have control over everything. Yet it is a good idea to maximize our chances to make the course of love flow smooth and easy, by avoiding the most common and irritating mistakes that a woman can do in a relationship. 1 ) Do not try and change him. People basically do not change a lot, and , what they change, they'll change it if and when they want to, not because you ask them. And, they should not have to change to make you happy ! Do not ever say " Oh he is perfect for me, but for ( add personality trait / way of being which you plan to make him change ). He is who he is. If you met him as an easy going, laid back , not competitive type who is happy to do odd jobs to just get by and pay for his modest necessities, you won't make out of him an ambitious , power hungry, high living Wall Street broker type. Even if in your opinion he has all the skills and the smarts to become one.2) Do not nag. This sounds so cliche', right ? the shrew that needs to be tamed. .. but, alas, often it's true. Do not be a perfectionist ! Do not sweat the small stuff ! If he is a good respectful decent loyal caring guy, it so terrible if he he replaces the toilet paper roll the " wrong " way ? Relax !3 ) Don't be too jealous. A bit, it may be cute and flattering, but nobody wants to feel that they live in a police state and every their phone call or e-mail is monitored. 4 ) Don't be passive aggressive. Don't sulk ,don't pout. If there's something wrong, speak up ! Tell him what's wrong. He is not a mind reader. "But it is so evident that he SHOULD know ? "... Well, maybe he should. But apparently he does not. Tell him anyway. 5 ) Do not be too proud. If it's your fault, you have to apologize and say you are sorry and it was your fault. It won't kill you.6 ) Do not mother him ! that's a tricky one, because many , at the neginning , seem to love it. They dig that there's someone telling them : oh dear, you got all wet in the rain, come here, I'll change your socks and rub your little footsies :)... something like that. They like having someone fussing arounf them and dancing attendance. Problem is, they like it at first, then you start feeling too much like a real mom. Moms are nice but they are not sexy ( unless they have an incest fetish ). Mothering kills mistery, romance and sexuality.7 ) Don't cut him down to size, do not put him down. So the payrise he got is only 50 bucks monthly , - but it is HIS acccmplishment , do not sneer at it. Or, he lost 10 pounds... and he still has got 60 more to lose so no big deal ? Wrong. To him it IS a big deal. 8 ) Give him enough space. You do not understand why , having at home a lovely gf or wife like you, he still NEEDS to go out once a week to see his mates, or play pool, or sing in a choir or etc. etc. ? Yiu do not need to understand it- he just does, and so be it.9 ) Oth, do not forget to have a life . Your friends, your hobbies, your pursuits. Do you think he will appreciate you and be grateful if you give him every single minute of your free time ?. Wrong. He will think that you are a boring, lame dumbass. 10 ) Do not demand to dictate HOW he should love you. Like, why does he never bring me flowers or chocolates or whispers sweet nothings in my ear ? Like they do in the movies ?... because he is not a movie character, so he won't necessarily follow that template. Maybe his way of loving you is fixing your car and saving you a bundle of money, or going to pick up from school the kid you had from another guy, or accompanyng you every Sunday to have dinner with your parents who are notoriously the most boring people on earth. As long as his actions show love, do not pick the actions for him. Other than that , .. keep your finger crossed , and hope in Cupid's ( the winged one, not us ) protection. But know that if you go by these " rules ", maybe it won't last forever anyway... but it will all be so much more stress-free and enjoyable while it lasts :)
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ambition, flowers, incest, jealous, money Reply to this Article
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 September 2014):
 Sorry FA, I just saw the title now and the post is too old for mods to fix.
To both you and Cindy -- great stuff! Wish I'd seen it 30 years ago. ;)
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (29 August 2014):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/10-ways-a-guy-can-get-himself-kicked.html
I'm really not sure what happened to the title but perhaps some one will fix it
FA
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (29 August 2014):
O K I've written it. As soon as it clears customs I'll post a link to it in here. I'm hoping I will get a few additions as well.
FA
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (29 August 2014):
I agree a guy should write it. I'd be willing to contribute. But I'm not sure I could do it all. Sure I have a lot of experience, but ten seems daunting today. Maybe if I got code warrior, cerberus and wiseowle to colaborate. . .
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 August 2014):
 Get on it FA. Good job Cindy, we will use for reference material.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (29 August 2014):
Nice Job Cindy!
Of course people will always want to add to a list. I'll just pick my favorites.
# 5 Yes we all want miss right, we don't want miss Always right.
#6 This is a pretty good explanation of the mothering thing. So easily a problem because the line between caring and mothering is pretty vague.
#7 Thank heavens no woman I cared about has ever done this.
#8 It has taken me some time to learn to appreciate this thing that my wife does very well.
Perhaps this needs a companion article for the guys.
FA
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 August 2014):
 This is a great list! May I add one?
11. Don't pretend to like or enjoy something you do not actually enjoy or like. If you are not sporty and athletic, don't suggest that you're ready for a marathon with him. If he's into sex acts that repulse you, don't go along with it hoping he'll be okay when you later tell him that you hate xyz activity in bed.
Men prefer honesty, that's been my experience. Tell your truth. Don't apologize or stop pursuing your interests just because they don't fully coincide with his.
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