A
male
age
36-40,
*ek
writes:my girlfriend turned round to me as i was about to get into bed last night and said she wanted us to stay in different rooms and not have sex for a month so she can work herself out and that it wont be a problem if i love her. Someone tell me how i should react to this? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (15 March 2011):
Yes, I can imagine getting her to talk is hard. She is probably asking for space because it is easier to try sort things out in her head on her own than having to have difficult conversations with you. She may not be aware of any tendancy she may have to avoid conversations with you, so pushing her to have conversations might push her further away. Its tricky, because you are also entitled to have your say about all of this. I would give her the space she is asking for, and if you feel like you need something from her, either conversations, or information, or to express yourself with what is going on, I would do that too, just be mindful of how she is likely to react at this time, so choose carefully. Good luck.
A
male
reader, eek +, writes (11 March 2011):
eek is verified as being by the original poster of the question your right. We do need to talk more. Though getting her to talk is hard. She is not being so affectionate towards me either Im gonna give her some time and see but if things dont improve in a few days i will have to talk again.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (11 March 2011):
The part where you don't know why it happened and that you are still confused means that, although you have had a good conversation and are on track again, you haven't had the full conversation you probably need to have. Things are better but you are still in the dark, which means the possibiity of manipulation or control is still there imo.She has asked for space and perhaps all she needs is a little bit of space, to release whatever pressure she might be feeling. You are still connected, so that's ok, there may not be any need to have that conversation right now, no need to push her right now. However, if the confusion or questions remain, at some point it might be worth revising the conversation, even if it is a more challenging version. For now, if you are happy, just play it by ear and see how it develops.Good luck.
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 What's her reasoning for the sex restriction? Does she have an infection, STD, having a vaginal surgery?
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 March 2011):
 That's a great start. Make sure to keep the lines of communication open. Ask for updates, share your feelings... This will help you stay connected. Best of luck!
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male
reader, eek +, writes (10 March 2011):
eek is verified as being by the original poster of the question We sat down last night and talked through everything which seems to have helped. I'm back in bed but have agreed to sick to the no sex bit a month is nothing and our relationship appears fine. Though I still don't quite know why it happened. Am a little confused but as long as she is ok and we are together I'm happy
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male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (10 March 2011):
I need a little more information to really say what I think is going on, but a couple of things do stand out.
First, this is a serious thing she is laying on you, and you need to be able to talk about it properly, not as you are about to go to bed. You need to sit and a have a real conversation with her.
Second, did she say what it is that she needs to work out? She might feel scared about saying something to you, for example, if she doesn't feel close to you at the moment, she migth feel that saying that to you could end the relationship. Whatever it is, she might feel like she is in a situation where she can't express her real feelings about things with you. Ask her about it. Remember, a relationship is not defined by the problems it has, all relationships have problems. It is defined by how you are able to react to them and deal with them.
Third, it is not acceptable to say "if you love me, you will do ...", it makes me think of cheaters and physical abusers who say to their partners "I am really sorry, it won't happen again, if you love me you will give me another chance". This is manipulation, and she might feel like she needs to use it because she is too scared to speak to you truthfully.
I think it is ok for her to ask for space to sort some things out, but she has to be able to tell you what is going on, to let you know why she needs the space so that you understand what is going on. To keep you in the dark is another form of manipulation and control, even though she might not be conscious of doing that.
Good luck.
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (10 March 2011):
 I agree with dirtball. You need to discuss this with her. If it a relationship issue, you need to work it out now before it escalates and she completely withdraws from you.
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female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (10 March 2011):
 I've had feelings like this before. She feels lost or out of sorts with herself. It likely has nothing at all to do with you, she just needs a little space to regain her balance. Since you two are living with each other, you two are obviously close. You should feel honored that she would trust you to understand her at a time like this, and your only concern about this situation ahould be what is making her feel so off. Don't worry. Unless she's playing some kind of game, this isn't an attack.
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male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Err... I'd leave. This is not just about sex, she's blatantly emotionally withdrawing from you yet she still wants to stay in the house for a month for her to "sort herself out". Sort herself out... what a load of crap. If you're smart you'll tell her to move out and sort herself out elsewhere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): HiI would react by going to a guest house for a month where there is lots of fun and action ...and live it up while she dithers about playing stupid games....and i may just never return.spunky monkey.
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male
reader, yankit +, writes (9 March 2011):
Welcom to your third year of marriage. love it or leave it...it's your new normal.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): I'm sure that this time in your relationship has come to pass, and that you two have either decided to break up or have not, but another person might find my answer to this question as useful as it can be.If your girlfriend turns to you and says she needs some space, give it to her. Otherwise, you are bound to lose your relationship. If you allow her time to focus on herself, and you support her through and through, she will appreciate it and hopefully return the favor someday when you need it.Not sleeping in the same bed with someone and not having sex for thirty days is something most of us have done before, and it's not difficult. Just having a girlfriend doesn't qualify you as its gatekeeper. She is the gatekeeper and can shut that gate if she feels like it will be best for her (and for you).Ultimately, your lady is going to have to take care of herself. You can choose to wait it out, or 'take care of yourself' as well by choosing to walk.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): she worth it? yes wait? you can live without sex for a month. no? leave. give her space. dont nag her about sex.
ask her if she wil still love you.
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female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (9 March 2011):
Something is wrong. The best thing for you to do is to be understanding. Do it and do not complain, do not mention it. She needs time away from you and she will most likely work everything out if you give her the space. This is the perfect opportunity to make her miss you.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Well it's not good news... A break usually means the other person is reconsidering the relationship. But hopefully, she'll realize that she misses you if you give her the space she needs.
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male
reader, sam44  +, writes (9 March 2011):
Did you control her, cheat or abuse her in any way? No one can really know what exactly she is going on without that knowledge.
But one thing is certain, if you over react this will make your situation worse. Be a cool and agree to it. Ask politely why she is thinking of doing that! But which ever way... be cool about it. Its a bad look, but you might get her back if you are cool and calm. goodluck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): The not having sex for a month is what catches my eye. Studies have shown that people who sleep in separate beds/rooms are often happier because they get better sleep (no snoring, blanket stealing, or tossing and turning). If she wanted relationship as normal, but sleeping in separate rooms, then I might say it was nothing normal.
Definitely talk to her. Ask her if there's anything you've done wrong. Get clarification as to what is meant by "work herself out".
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 March 2011):
You need to discuss why she feels this way. Her request may not be out of line, and if you two have been having troubles lately, she probably wants to evaluate the relationship. She will need some space to do that.
I suggest you stay calm, and try to have a discussion about what she's hoping to accomplish, why it's important for you to comply to her request, and if this is a sign of bigger problems looming overhead.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 March 2011):
I'm nearly always, always suspicious of someone when they say:
"If you love me, you'll do this for me"
It's a classic sign that either something is wrong, or that they're controlling.
Basically, she's hiding something. I don't know what. Maybe she's stressed, tired, unsure, or maybe it's something else. But, you need to talk to her again and say that you DO love her, but that a relationship swings both ways and you need to know what has happened to cause this.
She's hiding something, and by the looks of it, it's not good for you at all.
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female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (9 March 2011):
 So she lacks finesse when it comes to communication. She just wants to make sure you love her, or she loves you before you two have sex. So, stick it out; be supportive and profess your love. ;)
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