A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can watching porn be cheating? Random question.. girls/guys some thoughts??
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you Dr. Mephisto.. your comment is very very nice :)
i've read a few theories on prostitution which stated.. prostitution was created by priests .. as "ceremonial gestures to offer virgins to the lord".. and then it was upheld because of the fact that it was so easy..
we also have the madonna whore dichotomy happening.. where a woman is differentiated into two different personalities - the good and the bad - the virgin and the prostitute- when it was the " phallo-centric" society that created this illusion and profession.. so that they could enjoy the benefits but at the same time have a woman remain faithful to them.. by making the "whore" the scum of society.. when they are not..
i think pornography is sad.. especially when i think that maybe the girl in the video maybe forced to do what she is doing.. and when i think about everything she may have gone through just to make a guy get off... its sad..
A
reader, Dr. Mephisto  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 Pornography; the word derives from the Greek p??????af?a (pornographia), which derives from the Greek words p???? (porne, "prostitute" and pornea, "prostitution"), and ???fe?? (graphein, "to write or to record," derived meaning "illustration," cf. "graph"), and the suffix -?a (-i.e., meaning "state of," "property of," or "place of"), thus meaning "a written description or illustration of prostitutes or prostitution." Considering the direct lineage and absolute end purpose of pornography this etymology is very interesting.Pornography poses many problems not only with personal morality and ethics but also society at large. The whole purpose of pornography is for the personal gratification of the viewer. Psychologically this is purely dissociative on the part of the viewer as he, or she, has already made the conscious decision to pleasure themselves without the aide of another, be it girlfriend or wife. So for those of you who are in relationships who think that watching pornography isn't the same as cheating you are in fact wrong, it is the same as cheating due to the fact that it requires the viewer to already create a dissociative state within themselves whereby they will be comfortable engaging in a very personal act with another, even if that other is effectively now a collection of pixels on their computer or television screen.There is also the bigger dual purpose of pornography which must not be ignored. Pornography is a enabler of criminality on a massive scale. The popularity of online pornography and 'hardcore' sites has given rise to an increase the capture and enslavement of disenfranchised women and children on the ever growing sex trade circuit. Pornography may have once served a purpose in the Victorian era (eg:the concept of pornography as understood today did not exist until the Victorian era. Nineteenth century legislation outlawed the publication, retail and trafficking of certain writings and images regarded as pornographic, and would order the destruction of shop and warehouse stock, meant for sale. However, the private possession of and viewing of (some forms of) pornography was not made an offence until recent times), however as society and humanity have evolved, supposedly, there should be no place for it in modern times.Also on a further note, for those men that use the excuse of 'women like to look at Brad Pitt' etc, etc, this is nothing more than a shallow excuse to alleviate yourselves of feeling guilty because you are hunched over your computer or television in a dark, dank room behind your better half's back pleasuring thyself to the sexual covortings of psychologically damaged men and women.Bottom line, watching pornography is the same as cheating on your partner as 'Dirtball' and many others have said, its a case of intent. Where there is intent to stray and explore other avenues of adventure, there is will to stray as well. It should also be noted that if you and your partner were satisfying each others needs fully in any case there would be no need for pornography.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): Porn is not cheating and thats my personal take on things, for instance who even thinks about porn starts when they DONT want to mastrubate? No one. You see a film or a scene, get off and then every thing you have just seen just falls out of your head. Its a tool, nothing more. However, this thread seems to be about judgement more than anything else.
Chigirl, thank you for finally saying what many of us have thought for a very long time about people who judge.
(I am a former agony aunt who left due to the sheer arrogance of some of the Aunts/Uncles)
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reader, The Realist  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 I see porn as an act in front of me, I don't really picture anyone I know being involved. If I chose to do that then I wouldn't need the porn.
Also I never really think of it as what if I was with that person because there is a distance factor between reality and porn. Most guys do this but like I said some can't manage it. If you look through the site you will find cases of women freaking out over porn when there is no need to and one case where the guy watched 6 hours of it, which I do consider to be a problem.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/six-hours-watching-naked-women.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthnx dirtball for the link .. i'm praying that is the truth :)).. anyways everyone who did say something thnx for replying... i know my bf will not be insane in bed.. hopefully :P.. and about the porn.. i'm gonna trash it all not because i think it's cheating but because i think i don't like it at all anymore :P
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reader, dirtball  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/admit-it-guys-youre-fantasizing-about-the-girls.html
Thanks Chigirl, hopefully this one works. I think it's because the "." became part of the link...
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 The link has an error dirtball... can it be fixed?
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reader, dirtball +, writes (16 March 2011):
"so when you say you get off on porn you are actually thinking of doing it with the porn star?"
In most cases, no. It's actually the act that we're watching, the people doing the act are mostly irrelevant. Watching two people have sex is very erotic. That's part of the reason for close ups. When I watch porn, I'll often fantasize about my partner (if I have one) at the same time. It's a trigger to help the fantasy, nothing more. Since you asked this most recent question I quoted above, please read this thread: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/admit-it-guys-youre-fantasizing-about-the-girls.html. I think kc_100's answer is one of the best I've seen to that very question.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (16 March 2011):
Talk about an exercise in the slippery slope.
See what you started OP! LMAO! ;-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your inputs.. i think i got a little weirded out thinking of what porn watching might be doing to him.
guys i know watching porn isn't as bad as actually cheating on your partner.. but when i watch a movie and i see two actors kissing.. i usually don't think about me kissing the actor.. i think about me kissing my guy in the exact manner.. i mean that moment i am the actress but the actor is my guy..( is it just me?) cos i can't imagine kissing anyone else or doing it with anyone else infact.. so when you say you get off on porn you are actually thinking of doing it with the porn star?
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reader, chigirl +, writes (16 March 2011):
"You see it is a double standard because it acceptable to women to be turned on watching a hunky movie star romance and make love to a woman in a non porn movie, it's okay for women to use that fantasy, to put themselves in the place of the female actress, it's okay for them to relate to that but when a guy with zero emotion uses a faceless actress in a porn movie to arouse himself enough to get off quickly that's not allowed."
Im really being put off by this. Where do you get this from? For a man who is not comfortable with a woman thinking about male actresses while in bed with them this will not be ok, just as for a woman who considers porn cheating it will not be ok, no matter how attracted or not the male is to the porn actress. And if a woman considers porn cheating why do you immediately think she must be a hypocrite because SHE watched George Clooney in a movie once and therefor must have sexual fantasies about him? You can say that because.. you have the amazing ability to read people's mind? Or exactly where do you get that from? I can take my guess.
Kissing is the same as sex? Well there you have a battle in itself. If you draw kissing to be sex then I believe every woman who kisses their child is committing incest too? Or would you agree that is stretching it a LITTLE too far?
Please, enough of this. Where is it you do not judge when you flame all who are think opposite from you about this? You say they are hypocrites, they are not normal, not healthy etc. If that is not judgment then what is?
Tell me, have you at some point been so shamed by a woman for your porn use that you feel a need to dictate how others should feel and think around porn? What's it to you if some women don't approve of porn, or some men don't approve of porn just the same? What's it to you really? If you can't stand those type of people then no one is forcing you to! I'm not picking apart your argument no matter how much I see flaws in them, like you are picking apart others. But why do you try to impose your opinion as some "rule" for all to follow? Your opinion is your opinion. Your opinion is that they are hypocrites, and that is you judging. There is no fact in what you are saying, and these "facts" you present appear to be pulled out of thin air for you to prove some point.
If you have a personal battle with a woman who denies you porn while humping along to Brad Pitt in Troy, why not bring it up with her. Because that woman does under no circumstance symbolize women world wide, or any general point of view. To be honest I do not know what hat you pulled her out of, and perhaps it's time to leave her if she causes this much trouble for you. There are better women out there you know, women who are not hypocrites, women who actually can watch a romantic movie without getting their panties all wet and then denying their man a boner from watching Angelina Jolie. Why not find one of them instead and leave normal healthy people who don't approve of porn alone. Because normal healthy people who do not approve of porn, and are not being hypocrites about it either, do exist. Just more likely you have run into a woman who to you represents all evil, and so you think all women who dislike porn (like this woman of yours) must be like her. Well, they're not.
I will repeat in this last sentence that I do watch porn, I don't have a problem with men watching porn either, but I happen to understand that people have different ideas of where the line is drawn for them.
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reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (16 March 2011):
 The porn industry can get a little "out there" there are some porn scenes and fetishes that I just can't watch because they are too disturbing. The facial shots for one, yuck. But, just because your bf watches these types of things, doesn't mean he will expect you to do any of them or try them or even want you to do them. Porn is fantasy, a place to escape from reality, like a good book.
I don't see anything wrong with watching porn (legal and of age porn mind you) but I usually stick with girl on girl or porno's where there is just one guy one girl in each scenario. I don't see how porn can be considered cheating, but some people do consider it cheating.
It is confusing. I think it's an individual view on whether or not it's cheating and who you are as a person and all that that determines whether you as an individual would consider it cheating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): Sorry Op I went a bit off topic there. In reply to your follow up, I think he was just testing the waters as far as sex goes. He was probably trying to see what you do and don't find acceptable.
He knows you don't consider porn cheating and he was just probably saying those things to see how far that went.
He's probably fine with sex and now he knows your boundaries he most likely won't cross them. I don't think you have anything to worry about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): I wasn't judging anyone, I just don't get why people have different standards on the same issue to be honest.
As far as watching regular movies with the sole intention of masturbating trust me, we guys would much rather watch cameron diaz or angelina jolie getting boned than some plastic freak in a porn movie and yes most of us guys have watched regular movies with the sole intention of masturbating.
I mean Basic Instincts is a crap movie but it's been masturbated to more times than any other movie including porn movies. No guy watches that film for the acting or the plot. Seriously ask any guy our age about basic instinct and whether he's ever used it for "inspiration".
You see it is a double standard, women with a problem with porn and think it's cheating because they don't want their guy looking at another naked woman or woman having sex because they don't want their guy to get off sexually to any other woman than them are hypocrites because they don't mind getting off emotionally to george clooney (or other actor they fancy) sweeping a woman off their feet. We all know emotional cheating is just as relevant and painful as sexual cheating, so why is it then that women consider that fine? Why then do they not consider this emotional cheating just as much as they may find their guy getting aroused to porn as sexual cheating?
If that woman wants to be the only person that is allowed to arouse their partner then shouldn't their partner be the only person that is allowed to stir up romantic emotions in them? It just defies logic in my opinion. I'm not saying it's wrong, everybody has their insecurities and their standards, what is acceptable and what isn't. I accept and respect that of course.
But it seems that people only apply that logic to one specific thing but when the same logic is applied to another aspect they opinion differs. You see their argument behind why they consider porn cheating isn't applied to romance and emotional cheating in the same way at all.
Oh and as for the sex being real in porn yes it is, but so is a passionate kiss in a movie, they're lips are touching and they are really kissing. In fact, using the "porn is cheating" logic, it's even worse because they're pretending to actually be in love too, whereas in porn there is no suggestion of feelings and emotions at all. There is no emotional attachment to porn, you're not moved emotionally by it it's a physical act, yet when you watch a movie star lovingly romance another and "make love" there is intentional emotional impact in that. So why then is watching two people "make love" in a regular movie not given the same importance? It stimulates emotions far more profoundly than porn, is being emotionally aroused by another man/woman not just as bad as being sexually aroused by another man/woman?
You see it is a double standard because it acceptable to women to be turned on watching a hunky movie star romance and make love to a woman in a non porn movie, it's okay for women to use that fantasy, to put themselves in the place of the female actress, it's okay for them to relate to that but when a guy with zero emotion uses a faceless actress in a porn movie to arouse himself enough to get off quickly that's not allowed.
If porn is sexual cheating then romance movies are, by applying the same logic, emotional cheating. Applying that same logic watching someone murder another person on a video makes you a killer. Because sexual cheating by definition is having sex with another person, so if you consider watching other people having sex as cheating too then that makes watching a murder the same as committing a murder. Doesn't it? If not then why?
You see it's not about insecurity, it's about control and domination. Women with that "insecurity" want to completely rule their partners sexuality, that's all it is. They don't mind emotionally cheating on their partner with Orlando Bloom or George Clooney, watching them romance and "make love" on screen or immersing themselves in that fantasy but when their partner applies the same reasons for sexual purposes they go nuts.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (16 March 2011):
Cerberus, normal healthy people can have insecurities as well. If it isn't about porn it's about something else. There's nothing "weird" or "sick" about a person who considers porn cheating. Even if we don't understand the actions of others, or their feelings and why they feel the way they do, we do not need to judge them or say that they are not healthy or normal.
It is normal to have feelings. It is normal to feel uncomfortable by certain things. Be that porn, smoking, gaming, excessive this or that, drinking (even on a light scale), everyone has something they don't feel comfortable about. But that doesn't mean that either of these things are bad no-no's in a relationship!
You know, whatever floats their boat is fine by them. Doesn't mean everyone else has to abide by what a selected few think or feel. What any person must do is communicate with their partner to sort things out. You only need to be ok with your partner and yourself for any action to be legitimate. As long as you and your partner are fine then what someone else thinks or feel is not relevant. Or in less fancy words: screw what they think. They don't have a right to judge you. In return you can not judge them.
To the OP, as the Realist said, people do separate real life from fantasy land. What you fantasize about is in most cases not what you'd want in real life. Or if it is something you'd want in real life it'd be a modified version. What one watches in porn, or fantasize about, does not bear much impact on what tastes you have in bed. If you want to know how your boyfriend thinks about sex you should talk to him about it to find out. But do not worry that porn has "corrupted" him or made him insane or anything. It could be he is a conservative in bed who only likes to stick to one position and you'll be the one who has to bring him out to be more adventurous, for all we know.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (16 March 2011):
 "Do you consider a graphic sex scene in a non pornographic movie cheating?
Do you consider watching two people kiss passionately in a regular movie cheating?
You see at the end of the day people who consider porn cheating are hypocritical."
I respect your opinion, but I disagree that those who consider porn cheating are hypocritical.
First and most importantly, there is a fundamental difference between how people use porn versus how people watch a dramatic or romance movie.
With porn, the primary reason to watch and use it is to masturbate to it. With movies that contain kissing/graphic sex scene, the primary reason it's in the movie is not to masturbate to it.
Porn's purpose is to use the bodies of others to have an orgasm and release your sexual energy. That is not the purpose of non-porn movies, which tell a story with the simulated sex or kissing used to further the story itself.
Porn doesn't usually have a story, and unless one is watching the cheesy cable After Hours stuff, the sex is usually real. Well, as real as it gets with the plastic bombshells. There's usually ejaculation and closeups of sex organs...uhh...interacting while the bombshells scream and moan like wildebeasts in heat to encourage the watchers of the porn to rocket towards rubbing off their orgasm.
The main reason people consider it to be cheating is that it's not just the girlfriend's body that the man is enjoying, it's many other women's bodies, albeit virtually. There's a very thin line between porn and prostitution - both are used for the same reason, and both are separated from emotion by the one engaging in it.
The men in the 1800's who used whorehouses while away from their wives justified their use in the exact same way - that it didn't mean anything, is a release of harmless sexual tension, and that it wasn't "really" cheating because there was no love or consideration...just a means to get off.
I don't know of many women who masturbate to non-porn with kissing and such. I also know men who have a problem with women using sex toys to masturbate to - they feel insecure that their penis isn't adequate.
Personally, I don't care if my husband occasionally watches porn, as long as I don't see the evidence of it anywhere. I actually see the benefits of it if he or I have to be away from each other for any length of time. I just think it's gross. However, I also think that White Castle is gross too! I can't be anywhere near that stench, or I'll get nauseous. I feel the same way about porn. He respects it and is very discreet about it, which I appreciate, and what's most important is is that it doesn't interfere with our sex life at all.
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reader, The Realist +, writes (16 March 2011):
I'm sure he will do just fine knowing that he has to separate what they do in porn with how sex is in real life. I mean I have learned some things from porn but nothing crazy. Sex won't be anything like the porn he is watching, it all comes down to fantasy vs. reality which most people do very well in distinguishing the two. He has probably seen things that he would never want to do and I beleive that sex for you two will go just fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): I don't consider watching two people make love in front of me cheating, much less watching a video of it...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhmm all of this has got me more confused :) if not anything.. i do have some alarm bells going off now.. i asked the question because i heard a girl say porn is cheating.. which i don't think it is.. but now there is another question which is bothering me.. i don't watch porn.. (i watched 1 and a little bit of another and i have to say i do not like hard-core porn maybe soft porn..) my bf does watch porn.. sometimes he explains to me what they do and he makes jokes about it.. (for example asian porn- girls have the same squeal.. lol etc ) but sometimes i wonder how he is sexually.. since he watches all this.. i've never discussed it with him.. and yes we haven't had sex yet.. once he was about to explain to me something a lil "distasteful" and i told him immediately don't talk about it and he changed the topic.. so i think he gets the hint.. but i'm wondering how he is about sex?? it's not like i'm a saint about sex.. but porn stuff is pretty yuck sometimes..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Do you consider a graphic sex scene in a non pornographic movie cheating?
Do you consider watching two people kiss passionately in a regular movie cheating?
You see at the end of the day people who consider porn cheating are hypocritical.
Would they feel their partner cheated if they kissed another person? Most would yes, but they don't mind their partner watching two people kissing in a normal movie. They don't mind watching that themselves. A passionate kiss is a sexual act and it's just as real as the sex in porn.
A passionate kiss actually stirs more emotions than the sex in porn too. There is no emotion attached to porn by normal, healthy people but those same normal, healthy people can be very moved by watching romantic scene in a normal movie.
Explain the logic behind that.
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reader, The Realist +, writes (15 March 2011):
Not at all. There are cases when it becomes to much of the persons life, but use for masturbation and some private time isn't cheating.
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reader, Justtryingtohelp +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Everyone has different rules for relationships.
Porn watching is a normal thing for a lot of people but the other half can be come insecure, wondering why you'd be watching someone else have sex, be naked. Wondering if you think they aren't good enough.
It's a touchy subject for some and an easy one for others unfortunately. You just have to talk to the person about it and see what happens there.
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reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (15 March 2011):
I don't consider porn cheating. I like to watch porn with my fiance every once in a while and I think that's okay. If a person is watching porn every waking minute and you have to get the jaws of life to get them to leave the television, then it's a problem.
The chances of my fiance every getting to do anything with those women is unrealistic and probably never going to happen.
On the other hand I can understand how some people would consider it cheating. Thinking about the women on the porno while having sex with your gf/wife/significant other. Some people think that having sex should be between the two people and introducing porn into the bedroom is like introducing other people into the bedroom.
Every couple and every person is different regarding the rules/guidelines of each individual relationship and it depends on the person/couple if porn is cheating or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): when I was with my ex, I didn't consider porn cheating...and i had actually watched it a couple times then at one point we started talking about it and he said he wouldn't watch because he was with me (not that he watched it at all before) and that he considered it cheating...i didn't mention that i watched it and stopped watching it of course.
point is, to some people it's cheating and to some people it's not.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (15 March 2011):
I don't consider porn cheating. But as far as I understand it, those who consider it cheating see porn as no different than looking at people in the same room as you having sex. Imagine you, and a couple, in the same room. They are getting it on, and you are watching them and masturbating. In the real word that is called a threesome, or voyeurism, give or take. That would by most if not all be considered cheating.
So, you put a screen up in front of you and that's supposed to make the difference. What if you were masturbating to porn of an ex, or of a person you know in real life? Would that be ok with you, would you consider that cheating?
There are many grey zones to cheating, that's basically it. And everyone draw the line at different places, without logic. If someone feels uncomfortable about something you really can't rationalize them into becoming comfortable with it. It takes time, trust, and devotion to each other, as well as a huge chunk of compromise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): I want a loving close intimate relationship with my partner and this doesnt involve us watching other couples having sex on film ie pornography together or alone.
When I met my partner he watched porn. I talked to him and he said it was no big deal and that he would stop if it upset me.
When we met I occasionally smoked. It upset him a lot. I now dont smoke at all. Some would say pornography is addictive, and others would say smoking is addictive. Neither are life threatening. We can both live without either.
The above two are examples of what makes our relationship work. If I find he has been watching porn and if he finds I have been smoking then we need to discuss it. The trust are broken.
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reader, pool sea addict  +, writes (15 March 2011):
nah, how cn dat posbly b classfied as cheatin,... That wud b so lame
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 March 2011):
Every relationship has its different rules. These rules can be as stringent as never acknowledging another person's beauty all the way to an open relationship, where sex with others outside the relationship are "in bounds".
In regards to the subject of porn, it's also pretty wide. Some couples don't even allow a Victoria's Secret catalog in public or a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, while other couples watch porn together and love it.
You and your guy need to discuss the rules regarding porn. If it bothers you within the relationship, let him know, and the two of you can discuss it together and decide what your personal rules are regarding it.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (15 March 2011):
Depends on the person. To me, it's not. To me, cheating is when there is a relationship between someone and someone else who is in a relationship. It doesn't have to get physical. It all boils down to intent.
Porn is fantasy land. That's not to say it can't cause problems, but it also isn't cheating.
I also recommend you go here: http://www.dearcupid.org/search and type in the question "is porn cheating." You'll see this question is asked A LOT!
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