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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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I changed my mind. What should I tell him?
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Our first fight, so maybe I'm a bit paranoid
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Make a move or stay away?
Q. There's this one guy at my school and he said he loved me but he's 3-4 years younger than me (he's 15-16 and I'm 19). I love him as well (I'm a boy). He told me he was gay so what do I do here? Make a move with him or just stay away?...
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I am hooking up with my ex's best mate, do I follow my heart and see where this goes or stop this because it will hurt so many people?
Q. I broke up with my boyfriend, John of 10 months, around 2 or so months ago. When we were together we used to hangaround as a group, with his best mate, Kyle and his friend with benefits, Jane who i became really good friends with. It took me awh...
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I like cross dressing...how do I get my partner to accept this?
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A. 4 April 2011: Does she know you wear her clothes? If it's really what you want, then you need to seriously consider it, however I think you may find your partner less than understanding. How to ask her will depend on how much she knows. If she's oblivi... (read in full...)
Does my drunk neighbor owe me an apology?
Q. I sought advice about a relationship issue last week and received wonderful thoughtful advice from the people who responded. Their advice was taken, and it helped immensely. I showed my wife their comments, and I believe an unbiased ,anonymous ...
A. 4 April 2011: I think they should. There's never any excuse for that type of behavior. ... (read in full...)
I want her... but NOT her kids!
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Can you help me decide which girl is right for me?
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Whether a relationship works or not doesn't depend on marriage, it depen... (read in full...)
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I changed my mind. What should I tell him?
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A. 4 April 2011: If you don't want to be with him, then you should break up with him. Be prepared for him to be really hurt, but it's better if you don't stay with him out of pity, that will hurt worse in the long run. Lesson for the future: don't hook up wi... (read in full...)
Can you help me decide which girl is right for me?
Q. I have two girlfriends, "J" and "G" but i want to choose one for marriage. J is a liar but her rest of behaviours are fine with me She is of a class, she is beautiful and hard working. If I marry J, i will battle it up with her to let her settle i...
A. 4 April 2011: Why does one need to be your wife? Why are you locked into these two choices? You should NOT be with either of these women.... (read in full...)
Is there something I can do to make guys like me?
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A. 4 April 2011: Be yourself and work on your confidence. There's nothing you can really DO per say to make a guy like you, and it's best that you don't try. Instead, focus on bettering yourself and you'll find that guys will be attracted to that. It may not ... (read in full...)
It is really upsetting me that she is taunting me so. Advice please.
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I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Should I stay, or should I go?
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A. 4 April 2011: Give it up. He's not yours anymore, and there's nothing left to hold onto but the past. The thing is, we can't go back, no matter how much we want to sometimes. I'd venture he wanted to meet to give you closure, sadly it was too soon for you and... (read in full...)
Can you help me decide which girl is right for me?
Q. I have two girlfriends, "J" and "G" but i want to choose one for marriage. J is a liar but her rest of behaviours are fine with me She is of a class, she is beautiful and hard working. If I marry J, i will battle it up with her to let her settle i...
A. 4 April 2011: No, because neither is worth it in my opinion. You want to change J in order for her to be with you. If you love someone, you love them the way they are, not the way you want them to change to be. You openly state that you don't really have much... (read in full...)
Is it normal to masturbate just because you're bored?
Q. Is it normal what I do here...whenever Im bored and cant think of anything to do or look up online I masturbate. Sometimes I just lie and think thoughts of me and my bf and it all comes or sometimes if I cant quite get myself in the mood I watch...
A. 4 April 2011: It's pretty normal. Lots of people procrasterbate as well. That's when you masturbate instead of doing something you should be doing instead.... (read in full...)
Any advice on how to make my GF comfortable enough to let me touch her feet?
Q. Hi Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 9 months. We are very comfortable around eachother but the only problem is she doesnt like me touching her feet. She wont even take off her socks. What i want to ask is do you have any advice on how to...
A. 2 April 2011: Not at all. It all depends on her reasons for not wanting you to touch her feet, and your reasons for wanting to touch them. If it's simply a comfort thing, then that's overcome with time and building trust. If you have a foot fetish, and she ... (read in full...)
I want to know what is best for a woman. How long should each stage of sex last?
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A. 2 April 2011: There is no typical. It ALL depends on the person. What you need to do is learn your partner. That's what matters.... (read in full...)
Am I still a virgin?
Q. Am I still a virgin? I have a sex with my lesbian partner, she finger me. I am worried on what I should answer on my employer if they are asking me if I'm still virgin? I'm totally lost I don't know what to do.......
A. 1 April 2011: Very true dmartin, it would be easy to answer "yes" if it was still intact, even though I agree with you completely. It all depends on who's definition we go on.... (read in full...)
Should I tell my parents I can hear them having sex?
Q. I still live at home and my parents are in their 60's. I keep hearing them having sex and it's getting quite annoying and loud. Do you think I should say anything to them?...
A. 1 April 2011: I agree with Full moon temptress1 that you should be thankful they are still so much in love after all these years. Let them enjoy themselves, they've earned it.... (read in full...)
Our first fight, so maybe I'm a bit paranoid
Q. A couple months ago my boyfriend broke up with me because he had some issues. He just recently got divorced and he said that he needs to work on things and then be ready for a relationship. We never lost contact (he lives in another city) by phone, ...
A. 1 April 2011: What were you sick and paranoid about? What triggered you?... (read in full...)
Mending a broken heart? Is there a quick way?
Q. How do you get over a broken heart? whats the easiest and quickest way? i was with my boyfriend for two years and i am finding it really difficult to just forget about him. I finished him, i didn't want to but he drove me to it and he couldn't care ...
A. 1 April 2011: There is no easy way. You need to give it time and grieve it like you would someone who died. Let yourself feel those emotions, lean on friends for support, talk it out with people you trust, but realize you won't be better overnight. Don't ... (read in full...)
Is "help in the kitchen" a code for being fondled?
Q. Hello, I am a 31 year old married woman with the following question. When I ask my husband to help me in the kitchen, he usually interprets that to mean that I will continue to do all of the work while he stands behind me and prods me in the ...
A. 1 April 2011: LMAO! Next time tell him how he can help when he gets in there. Although, I'll admit, that is fun to do from a guy's perspective. I've been guilty of doing that, although I do actually help if I sense that we're not speaking in code. It's a ... (read in full...)
Can anyone tell me exactly what went wrong here?
Q. Dear Cupid Me and my bf of 2 years were arguing about stupid stuff today in my apartment and in the middle of an argument he said he was better than his father and i got angry, since his father was really a good man and my bf is an cheater (he c...
A. 1 April 2011: Let's see; he calls you nasty names, can't communicate, storms off, cheats on you... WOW! What a great catch! Hold onto him forever!
(/end sarcasm font)
Sounds like he did break up with you. Honestly, if he cheated twice, you're better off w... (read in full...)
26 and no dating. Is online dating good?
Q. I'm 26 and quite shy. I don't really have any friends where I live and go on holidays on my own(whick i enjoy). I've not had a boyfriend since I was at school and I'm still a virgin. I would quite like a boyfriend, is online dating good?...
A. 1 April 2011: Online dating is a craps shoot. You have the potential to meet some good people, but you'll have to weed through a lot of crap first.
I've been doing the online dating thing for about 6 months now. It's been a rollercoaster. It seems like the... (read in full...)
Am I still a virgin?
Q. Am I still a virgin? I have a sex with my lesbian partner, she finger me. I am worried on what I should answer on my employer if they are asking me if I'm still virgin? I'm totally lost I don't know what to do.......
A. 1 April 2011: That is NOT ok for an employer to ask. Not ok at all. If someone asks that, you don't want to work for them!
I think I'm in the minority who think that sex is sex. While losing your virginity is often considered a penis in your vagina, I think ... (read in full...)
I'm going to what people call "party land" ..should I be worrying so much?
Q. I know this website is to do with relationships, but i really want some advice! I'm going on holiday with few my best friends this year to the place everyone calls "Party land". It's just tanning and playing on the beach during the day and partying ...
A. 1 April 2011: Relax and be smart. There's no reason you can't have fun and be responsible.
Never leave your drink unattended. If you feel odd, make sure to tell a friend and seek help.
It's paid for, and will be a great experience if you don't kill it wo... (read in full...)
What exactly is good sex?
Q. How do you know you're good at sex. What exactly is good sex? ...
A. 1 April 2011: Good sex is different for everyone. For me, it also depends on my mood. Sometimes you want to fuck like animals, sometimes you want to passionately make love... They can both be "good" if that's what you're both in the mood for.
How do you know... (read in full...)
Does he like me?
Q. This guy i think he likes me but im not sure please help! So today in class i was helping him with the work we had to do and he kept explaining to me how he didnt understand it and it seemed like he just wanted an excuse for talking to me. Then he ...
A. 1 April 2011: The best answer is maybe. There's not enough info in that little exchange to give any real analysis. ... (read in full...)
He asked me to a wedding as his "plus one" but I'm not interested in him
Q. Hello agony aunts! This guy and I have been friends our whole lives. I had the biggest crush on him in jr high, but I was young and immature and never told him. Then he dated one of my close friends in high school. I got over him and we drifted a...
A. 1 April 2011: I don't think going would be a bad idea. He likely does still harbor some feelings toward you though, and you may have to dance with each other at some point. :-)... (read in full...)
Any advice on how to make my GF comfortable enough to let me touch her feet?
Q. Hi Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 9 months. We are very comfortable around eachother but the only problem is she doesnt like me touching her feet. She wont even take off her socks. What i want to ask is do you have any advice on how to...
A. 1 April 2011: Give her time, show her acceptance. Some people just really hate their feet being touched though. You need to respect that. If feet are your thing, and definitely aren't hers, then you two aren't meant for each other.... (read in full...)
Would I have to be stupid to go back to Jamaica again?
Q. I just came back from several months there, and I had the time of my life. I arranged a place to stay for cheap but wound up visiting a friend that I'd made beforehand and, long story short, his parents invited me to stay there for the duration of ...
A. 1 April 2011: Haha, I remember you. I think it would be a fun trip, but you'll have to be careful with this guy. You'll likely have another fling with him while you're there, and feelings do get involved whether you deny them or not. Really though, as long ... (read in full...)
Does some guys always go after beauty and sex even when they have a girl who loves them?
Q. Hi My bf be cheated on me and when i told him i am done with him, he claims every man will cheat if they are presented with an opportunity. I can swear not all women will cheat even if they find that opportunity. Does some guys always go after...
A. 1 April 2011: Will some guys always cheat when given the chance? Yup. Some men are dogs, and they give the rest of us a bad rap. Not all men will cheat though. Many will stay true to their partner because they realize the importance of everything they ... (read in full...)
This LDR makes me feel terrible about myself, but I can't quit it. Why?
Q. Hi This is continuation of question "LDR boyfriend says its ok for him to have sex with call girls since its just "meaningless sex"" I begged my bf not to choose a call girl over me and my love, which he refused. I feel really disgusted...
A. 1 April 2011: Not every man will cheat, and he's just a scumbag who says such things to justify his lowlife behavior. He has no problem ruining a marriage or hurting you. It's for the best that you're done with him.... (read in full...)
I have competion with a 65 year old woman?
Q. Can someone please help me with this situation as I have never known one like it. Ive being going with a guy for the past 5 months. We live very close to each other, 5 mins away. He has never being committed to this relationship and I have often ...
A. 1 April 2011: I think CindyCares nailed this one. I also think that he has a bit of a complex with taking care of older women he cares about. Living with his grandmother probably helps him identify with older ladies better than young ones. He likely finds ... (read in full...)
Why does this otherwise nice guy turn into a jerk with me?
Q. perhaps this is a more general question: I know this guy from work, and I see him talking on all kinds of social networks, and I know some of his friends, and he is a really good person, two lovely children who adore him, but with me he was a total ...
A. 1 April 2011: Control. ... (read in full...)
Does he like me?
Q. This guy i think he likes me but im not sure please help! So today in class i was helping him with the work we had to do and he kept explaining to me how he didnt understand it and it seemed like he just wanted an excuse for talking to me. Then he ...
A. 31 March 2011: Then why does it matter?... (read in full...)
Why does this otherwise nice guy turn into a jerk with me?
Q. perhaps this is a more general question: I know this guy from work, and I see him talking on all kinds of social networks, and I know some of his friends, and he is a really good person, two lovely children who adore him, but with me he was a total ...
A. 30 March 2011: He probably didn't remember just what happened. When you're tripping details can be blury, depending on the trip.
I seriously doubt he "never" does drugs though. Shrooms aren't something someone just tries for the heck of it. ... (read in full...)
Why does this otherwise nice guy turn into a jerk with me?
Q. perhaps this is a more general question: I know this guy from work, and I see him talking on all kinds of social networks, and I know some of his friends, and he is a really good person, two lovely children who adore him, but with me he was a total ...
A. 30 March 2011: You didn't go wrong, he was high. Almost sounds like acid or some other psychadellic. Look, you two had a bad date, at least you know this isn't going to work. He's got bigger issues that you definitely don't want to take on. Sometimes people... (read in full...)
Does he like me?
Q. This guy i think he likes me but im not sure please help! So today in class i was helping him with the work we had to do and he kept explaining to me how he didnt understand it and it seemed like he just wanted an excuse for talking to me. Then he ...
A. 30 March 2011: Maybe. Do you like him?... (read in full...)
This LDR makes me feel terrible about myself, but I can't quit it. Why?
Q. Hi This is continuation of question "LDR boyfriend says its ok for him to have sex with call girls since its just "meaningless sex"" I begged my bf not to choose a call girl over me and my love, which he refused. I feel really disgusted...
A. 30 March 2011: That definitely changes things, and I'm glad you made that distinction. It is rather important.
Sadly it doesn't change my outlook on humanity much...... (read in full...)
This LDR makes me feel terrible about myself, but I can't quit it. Why?
Q. Hi This is continuation of question "LDR boyfriend says its ok for him to have sex with call girls since its just "meaningless sex"" I begged my bf not to choose a call girl over me and my love, which he refused. I feel really disgusted...
A. 29 March 2011: WTF?!? Another person in a similar situation, but ok with the use of escorts? Really?
If it wouldn't be ok while you are together, it's not ok while you're apart. Plain and simple.
Man, I'm losing faith in humanity...... (read in full...)
This LDR makes me feel terrible about myself, but I can't quit it. Why?
Q. Hi This is continuation of question "LDR boyfriend says its ok for him to have sex with call girls since its just "meaningless sex"" I begged my bf not to choose a call girl over me and my love, which he refused. I feel really disgusted...
A. 29 March 2011: I don't know why you're doing what you are, but you've got to stop it. Having sex with a hooker is pathetic, not to mention dangerous. You shouldn't care what this guy thinks because he's a low life.
You can take control of your life if you let ... (read in full...)
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