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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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angelDlite, I think it's natural to get defensive for the person you love when others are attacking them, even if you know what they are saying is true. Right or wrong, it's part of human nature. ... (read in full...)
Whenever I'm home, I want to go back to uni, but when I'm at uni, I want to come home!
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I'm worried about any embarrasing things I might have done
Q. I am feeling terrible because I ended up having sex with the guy in the apartment next door the other night. I only just moved in and it was the second time we had visited and had a drink. I can't even remember much of it or how it started. I knew I ...
A. 26 January 2011: Hey hey hey, back up! You need to take it easy on yourself! As long as you weren't cheating on anyone, you didn't do anything wrong. Sure, it probably wasn't the best decision, but it also isn't something you should be overly harsh on yourself ... (read in full...)
Should I go to this party where there's a chance I could cheat on my boyfriend in a moment of weakness?
Q. Im going away for the weekend because i've been invited to a birthday party ...but my boyfriend is going away too and i was moaning to him about how hes gonna cheat on me ..but the thing is the party im going to has this guy who fancies me and said ...
A. 26 January 2011: "What i forgot to say was is that im going with my sister to this party..i will know when to say no..i will not do anything to hurt my boyfriend :)"
If this is the case, then why did you post the question? It sounds like you've got it covered.... (read in full...)
I always helped him out and now it feels like he's deserted me!
Q. i think theres something wrong with me. i worked with a guy for the last 2 years and i know from the start i had feelings for him. he was in a bad way with work and everything so i took on the role of being his ' angel' if you like and got him back ...
A. 26 January 2011: Tell him you miss him. Ask him out to dinner to catch up. Sometimes, when people go through big changes, some relationships fall by the wayside. If you don't want yours to do that, you'll need to reach out this time.
Hypothetically, he may h... (read in full...)
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Not at all Mia. Nobody in particular sparked this, I just felt it needed to be said. I've seen more and more OP's lashing out lately and it got me thinking, that's all.
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Co-worker has become distant, but claims nothing is wrong. What should I say to him?
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He cheated, I cheated, then he cheated again.
Q. I am so confused. I can't decide whether to stay with my fiance or leave him for another guy. My fiance and I have lived together for the past 5 years. In the beginning he was cheating on me another girl that was his actual girlfriend at the time. ...
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Think they'd like him if they knew the truth about him? I don't.
You control your choices. Nobody else. Don't you think it's time to make some choices you won't regret... (read in full...)
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My boyfriend seems to be obsessed with women's bodies.
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A. 25 January 2011: You can't until he's willing to admit that there's a problem and face it head on. Him denying it just dismisses your feelings.
In a relationship, when one person has a problem, the relationship has a problem. ... (read in full...)
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Q. I am so confused. I can't decide whether to stay with my fiance or leave him for another guy. My fiance and I have lived together for the past 5 years. In the beginning he was cheating on me another girl that was his actual girlfriend at the time. ...
A. 25 January 2011: A leopard can't change it's spots. Expecting him to be anything but a cheater, when that's how you met in the first place, is stupid. You knew what he was, so why are you acting surprised and hurt? I know, I know, it's because you bought his ... (read in full...)
Should I keep my married boyfriend's baby?
Q. I have been seeing a married man for almost 4 years he has been married 6 yrs. I know I will be judged and for the most part for what I have read on this topic, answers seem to be one sided. Always blaming the mistress. It takes two selfish,cheaters ...
A. 25 January 2011: Does he love me or am I just the other women on the side?
You're just the woman on the side. He told you that when he said he would never leave his wife.
I suggest you read this: http://www.dearc... (read in full...)
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A. 25 January 2011: Date whoever you want. There is nothing wrong with it. Some people have a problem with it, but that doesn't make it wrong.
Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lzhdJu4HfY ... (read in full...)
Co-worker has become distant, but claims nothing is wrong. What should I say to him?
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A. 25 January 2011: I suspect that he developed feelings for you that he's now trying to get over. If you like him, you should ask him to go to dinner sometime. There you can lay your cards on the table and see how he reacts. Good luck!... (read in full...)
Have I ruined my chances with this man? What should I say to him now?!
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A. 25 January 2011: You did the right thing, and if you blew your chances because you didn't put out, then he's just a jerk hidden behind a charming personality.
I think it wouldn't hurt to tell him you had a nice time and hope you can do it again sometime soon. H... (read in full...)
Boyfriend claims he love me. So why does he sleep around?
Q. If my boyfriend says he loves me, then why does he engage in casual sex with others? ...
A. 25 January 2011: Because he's just using you and you believe his lies making it easy for him to cheat. His actions show his real feelings for you.... (read in full...)
Boyfriend has stopped having sex with me after nearly a year
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A. 25 January 2011: What happens if you initiate sex? When you talked about feeling unloved, did you say it was because of the lack of sex? Have you told him how the lack of sex specifically makes you feel?
I ask these questions because it sounds like he misinter... (read in full...)
I perform oral sex on her. How can I get her to reciprocate?
Q. How can I convince my beloved to perform oral sex on me? I am doing it for her, but she always refuses. Help me....
A. 25 January 2011: What did she say when you talked to her about it? Why doesn't she want to do it?... (read in full...)
He saw me holding hands with a friend and now he won't talk to me
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A. 25 January 2011: If he's this immature about a girl he just likes, he will be a controlling nightmare of a boy in a relationship! Look at this as a big red warning flag and don't pursue this pathetic excuse for a man any further.... (read in full...)
My boyfriend is having an affair, and I don't know what to do!
Q. Me and my boyfriend have been together over a year now but lately our relationship is falling apart as we have begain to row about 3 months ago he told me he could meet up for a while as wanted to sort our his career etc but i later found out he has ...
A. 25 January 2011: You leave. He is still cheating on you. He never stopped. He only has remorse in the lies he tells you. His actions show he doesn't care about you or what you feel. He is using what you feel to his advantage.
If you stay with him, you can ... (read in full...)
I stumbled upon a video of my husband masturbating, on our computer!! I don't know how to deal with this..
Q. Hi, I am 19 years old. I am married. I have been married for 9 months. my husband is in the military. We have been together for 3 years. We recently moved to Germany, for his job. He is at work. I stumbled upon a video of him masturbati...
A. 25 January 2011: I think you should try to discuss it rationally. Things like this need to be discussed. If you don't attack him with it, hopefully he'll be willing to discuss it with you. Perhaps he had a plan for that video that involved you.
I don't wa... (read in full...)
My boyfriend would rather masturbate then have sex with me!
Q. Please i need some answers mainly from men... Iv been with my boyfriend for 10months now and from the start we had sex quite a lot, not as much as id like to because he worked a lot running his own business. anyway we moved into a new house a few ...
A. 25 January 2011: An affair huh. Not good indeed. Good luck with your choice of action, but I wouldn't plan on him changing. ... (read in full...)
What is the difference between a girlfriend, a FWB or just casual sex with a girl?
Q. ok for you man out there , what is the difference between a girlfriend, friends with benefits or just casual sex with a girl? How do you treat a girl in each of these? I'm asking this because Im a little bit confused about my current relati...
A. 24 January 2011: He may just need some "me" time. Lots of people need some time to themselves, or with friends. He could also be busy doing something and not have his phone or the time to answer you.
Doing other activities together is a good sign. Sometime... (read in full...)
Who is being unreasonable in this situation?
Q. I currently own my own condo and moved in with my boyfriend several months ago. My boyfriend also owns his home. Because I currently have a tenant in my condo, I pay my boyfriend $700 per month plus 1/2 the groceries. My tenant's lease is up in a ...
A. 24 January 2011: Good for you! I couldn't agree more. It appears that finances are more important to him than you. That's never a good sign.... (read in full...)
Trying to talk dirty in a long distance relationship is proving difficult...
Q. My boyfriend of 2 years has just joined the army and has been away for the past 2 months and will be for another 4. We are trying to keep our relationship alive and are fine just filling each other in about our days and what not, but occasionally we ...
A. 24 January 2011: Maybe pick up some harlequin romance novels, they might give you some good ideas. It's hard to suggest new ideas without first knowing what you've already done.
Really though, guys are pretty simple. We just want you enthusiastic and telling ... (read in full...)
Who is being unreasonable in this situation?
Q. I currently own my own condo and moved in with my boyfriend several months ago. My boyfriend also owns his home. Because I currently have a tenant in my condo, I pay my boyfriend $700 per month plus 1/2 the groceries. My tenant's lease is up in a ...
A. 24 January 2011: "Although am I not paying for his?"
You absolutely are, without any piece of it if you should break up too.
You have no financial obligation to him. None. You contribute because it's the right thing to do, not because you have to. I'm wi... (read in full...)
What is the difference between a girlfriend, a FWB or just casual sex with a girl?
Q. ok for you man out there , what is the difference between a girlfriend, friends with benefits or just casual sex with a girl? How do you treat a girl in each of these? I'm asking this because Im a little bit confused about my current relati...
A. 24 January 2011: Oh yeah, "Booty Call" is often a tier below fuck buddy. That's someone you call just for sex, often while drunk, and usually are ashamed you did the next day.... (read in full...)
Is there something wrong in our relationship?
Q. Dear Cupid Me and my bf are together for an year. We are happy together, but i always feel like whenever he talks to me in a really emotional connected way, the next 2-3 days he'll try to avoid me as if he wants to undo the connection we fe...
A. 24 January 2011: Just an educated guess, but when he opens up, he gets afraid that you won't see him as a man anymore, so he distances himself to reclaim that "manhood" he lost.
Many men are taught from an early age that showing emotions other than happines... (read in full...)
My wife has webcam sex chats with men, and hides things from me. Should I be worried?
Q. My wife does webcam sex chats and hides a lot of stuff from me. Should I be worried? ...
A. 24 January 2011: Well, since you don't like the ideas that have been presented, you could always take over the roll of her "manager." You could solicit your friends to visit the site and spend their money to see your wife. Who knows, with proper promotion you may ... (read in full...)
What is the difference between a girlfriend, a FWB or just casual sex with a girl?
Q. ok for you man out there , what is the difference between a girlfriend, friends with benefits or just casual sex with a girl? How do you treat a girl in each of these? I'm asking this because Im a little bit confused about my current relati...
A. 24 January 2011: I am a guy, and the walkin dude pretty much hit the definitions you're looking for.
I suggest you do talk to him about it. "I'm curious, just what are we? It feels like we're something, but I'm not sure what. Do you have any thoughts? Do you s... (read in full...)
Should I do something for him for Valentine's day, or will it just make me look desperate?
Q. Im 18 years old i went out with this guy for a bit over the summer i liked him a hell of a lot but he ended what we had just before we both went back to the same college, i still really really like him but im not sure if he still likes me because we ...
A. 24 January 2011: If he dumped you, it's probably best if you just let this one go. At most something small like a card or some chocolates, but I wouldn't bother.... (read in full...)
Who is being unreasonable in this situation?
Q. I currently own my own condo and moved in with my boyfriend several months ago. My boyfriend also owns his home. Because I currently have a tenant in my condo, I pay my boyfriend $700 per month plus 1/2 the groceries. My tenant's lease is up in a ...
A. 24 January 2011: ... and not one who nickel and dimes you for things they pick up out of the "goodness of their heart." Sounds pretty bogus to me.... (read in full...)
A long distance relationship breakup?
Q. hello everyone, please i need your help !! well i want to know if i Can You Fix a Long Distance Relationship Breakup?? and another question my boyfriend broke up with me .. and he said he still loves me .. but when i told him why not being in a r...
A. 24 January 2011: Block him and move on. LDR's aren't real relationships. They are imaginary. In a real relationship you spend time with each other, in person. You connect with each other, in person. You cuddle, kiss, laugh, go on dates... In an LDR, what do ... (read in full...)
Should I be worried about the condom breaking?
Q. My girlfriend is on the pill. She was prescribed it for acne reasons around 6 months ago but kept at it now that we're active. I use a condom every time as well, but I feel like kind of whimp for doing so. A spermicide lubricated condom broke the ...
A. 24 January 2011: Is a BC pill prescribed for acne weaker than one prescribed for actual birth control?
Nope, the pill is the pill. 99% effective against pregnancy.
Is wearing a condom even necessary for me?
It's a good habit to be in. The pill doesn't pr... (read in full...)
I have never asked him because I don't have the guts, but do you think he loves me?
Q. met this online guy around an year back and since den we have been chatting nonstep as in nonstop but the thing is now he is moving to another country for studies he says he will never forget me , he says me trying to stop him makes him cry he says ...
A. 24 January 2011: Maybe. Could be friendly love versus romantic love though. If he's asked you out, and you like him, what's so bad that it keeps you from saying yes? You'll never know the answer to your question unless you take that step.... (read in full...)
What should I do? What is he trying to do?
Q. ive been in a very bad situation n dont khow what to do... ...me and my bf were sitting and talking when he said "would you mind if i tell you somdthing?" and i was like, "say it" and then he told me he likes another beautiful girl ...
A. 24 January 2011: You should tell him to go and try to be with that girl. That you deserve to be someone's first choice, not their fall back. Since you weren't his first choice, you need to find someone who will fit that bill.
What's he trying to do? He's try... (read in full...)
My boyfriend has problems keeping an erection.
Q. Okay i am going to jump into this because i am very concerned with this issue. I have been with my boyfriend J for about six months, we have an amazing relationship but an issue because we cant have sex because he has problems staying hard my...
A. 24 January 2011: My guess would be it's stress related. The previous history is a problem, but one you were getting past. When you add stress (like a pending deployment) it can change the whole dynamic. He will likely have lots of fears that are coming to a head ... (read in full...)
Who is being unreasonable in this situation?
Q. I currently own my own condo and moved in with my boyfriend several months ago. My boyfriend also owns his home. Because I currently have a tenant in my condo, I pay my boyfriend $700 per month plus 1/2 the groceries. My tenant's lease is up in a ...
A. 24 January 2011: I lean toward him being unreasonable here. It's not like you're on his mortgage. If he wants to be a jerk about it you could always move back into your place.
You should not have to pay to live at two places. Unless you signed a lease with you... (read in full...)
My boyfriend would rather masturbate then have sex with me!
Q. Please i need some answers mainly from men... Iv been with my boyfriend for 10months now and from the start we had sex quite a lot, not as much as id like to because he worked a lot running his own business. anyway we moved into a new house a few ...
A. 29 November 2010: Talk to him about how it makes you feel. Tell him you wish he would turn to you instead of his hand, even if he just needs a quick release.
Really, to many guys, sex is actually stressful. While very enjoyable, we're often very concerne... (read in full...)
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