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*isha-1 agony aunt

*isha-1

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Hi there!

Be brave, Tell the truth. Be kind. If you can do that all in the same sentence, you will be an amazing agony aunt. Sign up. I'm still trying to reach that ideal.

I heard this quote recently: ""The truth is like castor oil. It’s difficult to take and hard to swallow, so we get them to laugh and while their mouths are open, we pour a little in." -Harold Clurman

If you have an urgent question, please post it on the main page. Real life keeps me busy and has enough going on to keep me from being on here 24/7.... I hope yours does too! ;)

Current book recommendation: Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. The Power of Now, also by Eckhart Tolle. Really powerful stuff in there about not letting your runaway thoughts take over your life. Be present in the Now. You have what you need, right there, right inside yourself. Do yourself a HUGE favor and read these books. They may lead to an important and fundamental shift in your well-being. "Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are cause by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence." --Eckhart Tolle

All time fave relationship figure out book: A Fine Romance, Judith Sills, PhD. Buy if you are stuck and can't figure out why he won't commit, or why you keep picking guys who can't commit.

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." -The Dalai Lama

"Most people are doing the best they can, given what they know and understand. Including you. If they knew more and were aware of more, they would do things differently." -- Louise Hay

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." -Mark Twain

I like these links right now: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4593/A-Simple-Way-to-Let-Go-of-Our-Negative-Patterns.html

http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/04/04/25-life-lessons/

So here's the thing. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. Weakness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Actually, according to Albert Einstein, that's the definition of insanity but I think that's a bit of a strong word choice.

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” -The Dalai Lama.

The choices you make may affect others. Think about the consequences, intended or unintended, before you do something that you may have to explain later. Imagine you are standing in front of a group of people and have to defend what you chose to do.... if you can't manage to do it well, that's a fairly plain indicator it's a bad idea.

If everyone who loves you hates your partner, there might be a problem. If you only have your partner, there IS a problem.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-8202/12-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-relationship.html

If he’s mean to you now, he’s only going to get worse. Some people are energy vampires; they feed on the pain they inflict on others. They are broken. They will break you. Get out. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can fix him. You can’t.

You have my permission to say “no.”

If you are depressed, think of it like an illness. You have to treat it. Medicine can help. Talk to your doctor. If you’re drinking a lot, you’re already self-medicating. You might as well get some prescription-grade pharmaceuticals to help you get to a point where you can figure out why you’re self-medicating.

There’s a reason it’s called ‘junk food.’

Yoga is good for the body and the mind as well as soothing the spirit. Try it. Brisk walks are great too.

Don't eat crap. Canned sugary beverages or canned diet beverages are NOT good for you, they have no nutritional value and set you up for a lot of bad stuff. Don't drink them. Water is good. Decide if you can tolerate coffee or tea (I love them both) and then drink those in moderation.

Life is nasty, cold, brutal, unfair, and crappy. It’s also amazing, beautiful, uplifting, awe-inspiring and fun. You choose how you’re going to approach it every day.

I have a few soapboxes that I tend to haul out: I don't like to see people put their health or future at risk and I REALLY don't like to see them put other's health or future at risk. I feel strongly that not providing good sex education or keeping sex education from children is a form of child abuse. It's like sending them out into the world not knowing how to buckle a seatbelt.

I love this video from plannedparenthood.org (How Pregnancy Happens): http://websrvr40nj.audiovideoweb.com/avwebdsnjwebsrvr4501/portal/media/media-050516-pregnancy.html

More good information from plannedparenthood.org on the various methods of birth control:

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control//birth-control-effectiveness-chart-22710.htm

I don't have any expertise in abusive relationships, but I do think there are some common sense basics that people who are in one might be missing. Find out more here: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171

Be brave, Tell the truth. Be kind. If you can do that all in the same sentence, you will be an amazing agony aunt. Sign up. I'm still trying to reach that ideal.

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Questions to ask before getting married!

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24 March 2016: I just read a great article in the New York Times online. "13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married” It was written by Eleanor Stanford and posted March 24, 2016. http://www.nytimes.com...

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My husband has locked me out of the bedroom and refuses to talk to me

Q.   Dear Cupid My husband of 3 years is refusing to talk to me, i understand with pandemic and staying indoors all the time everyone are frustrated and depressed. But locking me out of master bedroom, is not solving any problem Yesterday during lun...

A.   1 April 2020: Go to the phone and call 1-800-799-7233 immediately. Or go to https://www.thehotline.org/ for help. You are in an abusive relationship and need help. Call that number or message a counselor on that website TODAY. Let us know when you ... (read in full...)

Wife asked best friend to help me recuperate at home. I enjoyed being naked in her care

Q.   I came home from the hospital and needed help with bathing and dressing. My wife needed to work so her best friend Sue offered to help me shower and dress. . My wife agreed so Sue came and helped ungress and shower. She was professional about it...

A.   20 March 2020: When you asked your wife this question, she said ... well, what did she say? You could ask an online forum if not shaving and growing a beard is okay. Every single answer might be “sure!” However, if your wife doesn’t like a beard on you for any ... (read in full...)

He cried more over his old dog dying than he did over us splitting up.

Q.   Hi I’ve just ended a 6 year relationship he preferred being at work and spending time with his dog than with me and his twin daughters who are 3 years old the problem is he is still living with me until he finds somewhere we split up 6 weeks ago I ...

A.   28 January 2020: He doesn’t think you’ve split up. He’s still living there. He’s ignoring this “split” because he doesn’t believe you. I expect there is a pattern of you trying to end the relationship and his ignoring you. I also suspect he is not actually... (read in full...)

My partner gave me the silent treatment even though he knows I have anxiety. How can I stop feeling hurt and move forward?

Q.   My partner and I had an argument yesterday morning and the rest of the day he gave me the silent treatment. I figured after a cooling off period of several hours he might be ready to talk. I sent him one text, then another, and another. Each one ...

A.   7 November 2019: Your boyfriend is not your therapist. If you don’t have a therapist, or counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist, it’s time to get one. I would go with the medical professional who can treat your out of control anxiety. You have a medical cond... (read in full...)

Is my mother in law secretly racist?

Q.   Ever since I dated my husband he would tell me all these crazy stories how his mom tried to hook him up with fat white chicks (preachers daughters) in the past. I’m not white and I think she hates me because I’m not. She’s one of those people who ...

A.   15 October 2019: Does she use the “n” when talking with her black friend at church? ... (read in full...)

Does he love me and want to express it this way, or is he just trying to get what he wants?

Q.   I told my long term boyfriend that I was getting my IUD taken out. I said to him that he would need to start wearing condoms. He said “no I don’t pull”. We have one child together already that was unplanned. He has not proposed but has no problem if ...

A.   30 September 2019: Wait. In this post dated July 2019, you stated you ended the relationship! Why are you back with this idiot? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-baby-daddy-never-follows-through-on-promises.html And in this post: http... (read in full...)

Is this married man hinting for me to sleep with him?

Q.   Is it flirty for a married men to remove his ring while he is speaking to a woman? And to twist and toy with his ring, removing it from his finger? Once he even switched it to a finger on the opposite hand...all while talking to me. How would I kn...

A.   30 September 2019: I’ve seen quite a few newly married men play with their rings in the way you described. Men don’t typically wear engagement rings so don’t have the chance to get used to wearing a ring before the wedding. There’s also the possibility that by ... (read in full...)

Does he love me and want to express it this way, or is he just trying to get what he wants?

Q.   I told my long term boyfriend that I was getting my IUD taken out. I said to him that he would need to start wearing condoms. He said “no I don’t pull”. We have one child together already that was unplanned. He has not proposed but has no problem if ...

A.   30 September 2019: My long term girlfriend told me that she was getting her IUD taken out. She said to me that I would need to start wearing condoms. I said “no I don’t pull”. We have one child together already that was unplanned. I have not proposed and I have no ... (read in full...)

I started a lie that my dad was dead before I met my boyfriend. I don't know how to tell him the truth

Q.   I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father who would beat me, my mum and occasionally my younger brothers. I grew up with low self esteem and anxiety relating to this situation. At 14 my mum left him, he threatened to kill himself if we chose to ...

A.   17 September 2019: Write this and send it first to your boyfriend then to your friends. If they don’t understand and support you, they aren’t your true friends. “My dearest friends, I haven’t told you the truth about something. It’s been bothering me and I want to b... (read in full...)

I’m now interested in getting to know my co-worker better!

Q.   I am a 60ish man who got to know a 30ish young lady at work. At first she seemed attracted and very interested in me. I wasn't too interested but she did spur my attention. I got to know and enjoyed her company. Everything seemed pretty platonic. ...

A.   14 September 2019: Are you really sure you want to date her? Are you prepared for rejection? Have you dated other women in your workplace? Are you single? Do you have children? If yes, are they her age? Your question suggests you don’t really know what you want and ... (read in full...)

The Guy I'm Dating Apparently Abused His Ex Girlfriend. Should I Dump Him?

Q.   So I met this guy on Tinder and I've been for a drink with him. It went pretty well and he's really attractive TBH (tall, dark, handsome, muscular, works in IT which I also do.) There are a few things about him that bug me a bit like it takes ag...

A.   14 September 2019: Based on what you’ve written, I would be done with him. The comments he’s made are either intentional “negging” or unintentionally rude. The ex’s profile gave you some interesting information about her experience with him; it doesn’t mean it woul... (read in full...)

Does she see me a just a work colleague or a friend as well?

Q.   a female student has started working at a company. I work for and has been with us for a month and a half. she’s funny, a bit of a barbie and not the brightest bulb in the lamp. despite this, she’s well liked by the staff. since she has started ...

A.   7 September 2019: She’s not interested in getting to know you as a friend. It would be wise of you to back off and stick to doing your job. If you want friends at work, look around and find people your age with similar interests. That you have to ask this question... (read in full...)

I’m still trying to understand why she did what she did 26 years ago!

Q.   Hi I was married more than 26 years ago. The problem troubling me is that when I knew my wife then, she was going out with someone whom she will never and can't get married to. She didn't inform me of her status then, and we went out. Only after ...

A.   7 September 2019: To answer your questions, why did your wife continue a relationship she knew couldn’t last and continue to see him after she started seeing you, I think the best explanation is.... Her own personal struggles at the time. Perhaps she wanted to marr... (read in full...)

I feel so overwhelmed but I don't want to run away 

Q.   I feel overwhelmed and I don't know how to juggle everything and give it my best shot. Basically, in just under 2 weeks, I'm having my first driving test. I passed my theory on the third try. If I don't pass this practical test, I have to renew my...

A.   28 August 2019: I think you are piling on a lot of anxious thinking onto your driving test. I lived in the UK and I had to take driving lessons and the written exam and the driving exam as well. So I know about the anxiety factor because I was worried too! Pract... (read in full...)

I was in an accident and my friends were not there for me

Q.   A few weeks ago I was involved in an accident. At the time I wasn’t well, and my mind was not with it. My family cried over me which I found odd, and my partner. Could it be that I have been so desensitised that I could not understand? I had to lie ...

A.   28 August 2019: So, you lied to your family about your actual status. You told them all was well, nothing to worry about, things are fine. Has it occurred to you that your friends may have checked with your family, and were reassured that you were fine? My ad... (read in full...)

Does my partner have the right to know about the details of my therapy sessions?

Q.   Hi. I won't bore you with too many details. Just want to know if you think it is appropriate for your spouse/partner to ask you about the details of your therapy sessions? I was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD. I have begun counselling rece...

A.   20 August 2019: Simple answer: no. Complicated answer: if he’s part of the reason you are in therapy, then HELL NO. ... (read in full...)

Is mutual masturbation with random online women cheating on my wife of 10 years?

Q.   I've been married for 10 years. I love my wife dearly and our sex life is still very much alive and well. The problem is I used to go into chat rooms before I met her. It involved video exchanges with random women. I used to pay for it but once that ...

A.   20 August 2019: Hm. “I've been married for 10 years. I love my wife dearly and our sex life is still very much alive and well.” If you love her “dearly” then why aren’t you in therapy figuring out why you are doing your very best to destroying the marriage? ... (read in full...)

My prince charming has turned into a frog

Q.   Hello and thank you My husband was very charming, and loving before we got married. After our marriage things changed. It seems he doesn't like compromising and feels he can still act single. He talks to exes( no children involved) he goe...

A.   1 August 2019: Is this your Nigerian husband who is draining your back accounts and continues to insult and belittle you? You’ve written about him before. He’s not going to change, you can’t change him, he’s not actually Prince Charming, he’s a bait and swit... (read in full...)

My husband spends large amounts of money on prayer and food for God. I find this strange

Q.   Thanks for your advice My husband does things that I find someone concerning. He is from Africa and he spends large amounts of money on prayer and eats food with God only knows what is in it. When I tell him to pray without giving these peo...

A.   25 July 2019: You are afraid of offending him, but is he equally afraid of offending you? Or is this a cultural impasse that needs outside mediation? Why did you marry him? Did you work through the cultural differences first or are were you convinced by him that... (read in full...)

I've really had enough of my lazy partner

Q.   Hi what do you do when your partner is so lazy we both work he is a labourer and I am a carer we’ve been together for 5 years we have a 3 year old son I came home from work this afternoon been up since 5am came home hoovered the house dusted ...

A.   14 July 2019: OP, with all due respect, your partner has been a problem for several years. His dog has been unruly, untrained and destructive. Your partner has been ignoring his responsibilities for at least a couple of years now. He’s been sleeping on the couch ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend expects me to cut his family's hair for free since I will soon be a hairdresser

Q.   I'm about to qualify as a hairdresser and my bf if expects me to cut his families hair for free otherwise he says it will be awkward? He has a large family and I've spent nearly a year and half working for apprenticeship wage. Am I right to be ...

A.   25 June 2019: Do the members of his family give you their professional services for free?... (read in full...)

The way my husband argues with me and handles conflict is very difficult for me to handle

Q.   My husband and I have been together over two years. We have had a lot of good times and not so good times. I am expected to be submissive and I try hard but it’s not always easy. Sometimes he gets mad over small things. It wouldn’t bother me but ...

A.   25 April 2019: Why did you marry him? You don’t seem to be on the same page in many aspects of life. ... (read in full...)

My Nigerian husband keeps asking for money and gets upset when I question him!

Q.   Hello and thanks My husband and I have been married for two years. I love in Canada and he is from Nigeria. For the most part he treats me well he is very charismatic. Tells me he loves me many times predates. I’m working on his permanent vi...

A.   14 February 2019: Dear Mrs OP, you are the one who will have the most experience with Nigerians and the culture there. You’ve been married for 2 years and have traveled there several times for a month at a tine. I’m perplexed as to why you are confused about the ... (read in full...)

How to deal with social anxiety and awkwardness?

Q.   I am an introvert and struggle in social settings. I feel like there is really no good reason for this - I am confident, reasonably attractive, successful, etc. (the point being that I have nothing to feel insecure about). I do great in one-on-one ...

A.   31 January 2019: A friend of mine struggles with this. She has seen her doctor and has a therapist and has medication to help her. She will never be the “life of the party” yet she has a great job, a fantastic family who love and support her. She’s good with it. ... (read in full...)

Did I just ruin the best thing that's ever happened to me with one bad decision?

Q.   I feel like a complete fool. Tonight I did something stupid and opened a message on my fiance's phone. I didn't even read the message bit then lied to him when he asked me if I had read his messages. I did come clean and it has really upset him. He ...

A.   30 January 2019: So, to sum up, everything has been humming along with every one all happy with no issues or problems whatsoever, and this one incident of a brain fart results in you lying, him storming off and you wondering if he’s even going to come home. H... (read in full...)

Did I just ruin the best thing that's ever happened to me with one bad decision?

Q.   I feel like a complete fool. Tonight I did something stupid and opened a message on my fiance's phone. I didn't even read the message bit then lied to him when he asked me if I had read his messages. I did come clean and it has really upset him. He ...

A.   30 January 2019: He’s your fiancé. Was this the very first time anything like this has happened? Is this a perfectly harmonious and mutually satisfying and enriching relationship? Do you randomly make bad decisions? Is he a calm and reasonable trustworthy guy?... (read in full...)

I feel forced to have sex to maintain the relationship

Q.   I'm a bit confused I'm in a relationship and I like the relationship the romance kissing and cuddles but I don't really like having sex I've never really liked it. I feel forced to do it as part of the relationship everyday several times a day and I ...

A.   29 January 2019: And he likes that you bleed after sex.?!... (read in full...)

My husband with a panty fetish now says he wants panties from other women

Q.   My husband of 6 years just came to me and said he has had a used panty fetish since before we were ever together (almost 10 years). While I am okay (and even flattered) that he has been using mine for his own pleasure, he has stated that he wants...

A.   29 January 2019: I agree with Honeypie. There are more than a few questions here. Is he going to ask strangers to provide him with worn underwear? I think you could probably just buy a variety pack of different sizes of underwear, make them look worn and call it ... (read in full...)

I feel forced to have sex to maintain the relationship

Q.   I'm a bit confused I'm in a relationship and I like the relationship the romance kissing and cuddles but I don't really like having sex I've never really liked it. I feel forced to do it as part of the relationship everyday several times a day and I ...

A.   29 January 2019: How old is your boyfriend? If he’s your age (41-50) and is expecting 4 ejaculations per day, wellll, golly, gee, what is his secret? Is he taking viagra? Setting aside his remarkable priapic prowess, does he not see your discomfort and blee... (read in full...)

If he wanted to see me, why doesn't he?

Q.   I met this guy online about a year ago, he lives an hour away from me. He kept messaging me about how beautiful and hot I was and said he wanted something fun and non committal. I said I wasn't looking for that and wished him luck in finding it. A ...

A.   29 January 2019: “You are hot and beautiful” translation “you look like someone I’d like to have sex with. “I want something fun and noncommittal” I want fun sex without stress, strings or background checks. “he wished that we had met in person.” His other NSA pros... (read in full...)

Should I let her go unless she takes the initiative?

Q.   I have been in a relationship for many years. We do not live together because we both agreed we would wait until each of our children are grown before we combine our households. There have been "ups and downs" over the years, but never anything ...

A.   23 January 2019:  What are the petty disagreements about? Perhaps they aren’t petty to her, though they seem to be to you. You say you have arguments often, yet you don’t describe what they’re about. It would help us to know why she and you keep arguing. What is the ... (read in full...)

Can we get married in a church if neither of us are religious?

Q.   My fiancee and I would like to get married in a church, however neither of us are religious. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this? Neither of our families are religious either. We have come across many churches locally and while ...

A.   17 January 2019: You like the “look” of a church, is that the high ceilings and stained glass windows with a cathedral type feel? Or the elegant simple lines of a Quaker meeting house? If it’s just a decoration issue, I’m sure you can find a venue that fulfills... (read in full...)

Can we get married in a church if neither of us are religious?

Q.   My fiancee and I would like to get married in a church, however neither of us are religious. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this? Neither of our families are religious either. We have come across many churches locally and while ...

A.   17 January 2019: You like the “look” of a church, is that the high ceilings and stained glass windows with a cathedral type feel? Or the elegant simple lines of a Quaker meeting house? If it’s just a decoration issue, I’m sure you can find a venue that fulfills... (read in full...)

Accused of being antisocial for turning down a guy?

Q.   My dad loves to accuse me of being anti social and saying "that's why you have no friends". We were at a friends place and there is a single guy there who I see a couple times a year. We aren't friends (acquaintances) and we do not share interests. ...

A.   30 December 2018: There was a very similar situation here that may help too: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-family-says-im-limiting-myself-by-not.html I agree that you should limit information sharing with your family. You need to establish healthy boun... (read in full...)

What is my sis in law suggesting here? That I'm a loser??

Q.   Was this fb post directed at me? and my “ettiquette” in talking with my sis in law and 11 yr old neice when I see them over new year? They live 2 hours from me in a small town. Im driving to see them in early Jan, sometime when its ok for ...

A.   14 December 2018: If they live 2 hours drive and you haven’t seen them in 6 years, there’s something else going on here. ... (read in full...)

How do I stop the constant thoughts my husband will cheat when he's out of town?

Q.   My husband left for Florida to visit his mother for 2 weeks. I could not go because it's the holiday season and our company does not permit vacations in December. Usually we go together in January but my husband is starting a new job in the new ...

A.   3 December 2018: You seek counseling as soon as possible. Individual for certain. Marital if he’s a known cheater. Which I suspect he is because you are over the top upset if he’s not. Seek counseling.... (read in full...)

I married the man I was having an affair with and I am struggling with trust issues, and feeling anxious and worried everyday he will cheat on me.

Q.   My husband left his former wife to marry me. I know that it does not usually end up this way and that we are in the minority but we fell in love. We have been together almost 5 years. He dissolved his marriage after 3 years of our being together and ...

A.   27 November 2018: “Will I ever feel safe with him?” No. “What can I do to feel safe with him?” Try something new. Seek counseling. “So that I do not go around feeling depressed and anxious and a shell of the woman he fell for, opening him up to a new affair?”... (read in full...)

My boyfriend is thinking about working with a woman I don't like! What should I do?

Q.   I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and I love him with all my heart but I have always struggled with trust issues due to my boyfriend's career. He works at a gym a...

A.   15 October 2018: Isn’t this man already married to someone else? Who hasn’t committed to you because you are his mistress? You’ve posted many times about this relationship and you even acknowledged at the very beginning that it would bring you a lot of pain. O... (read in full...)

How do men act after a one night stand?

Q.   Hi everyone I’m in a awful situation 5 weeks ago I had a one night stand it’s the first time I’ve done anything like this I’m so embarrassed the problem is I’ve got a partner who things aren’t great with he shows me no affection or spends any time ...

A.   30 September 2018: Are you in danger of being harmed? Has your partner shown violence to you? Or your children?... (read in full...)

My husband cheated while we were separated

Q.   Hi, I have been married for 14 years now and have a 11 year old son. I walked out of his home 7 years back when I couldnt get along with his parents and he wasnt ready to live separately with ME. He would come and see me and my son on weekends. But ...

A.   4 September 2018: In Iceland, I found a legal opinion link that says you don’t need to prove any infidelity in order to divorce. That same link also said that if there were young children involved that the parents had to go through a conciliation process. It’s mand... (read in full...)

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