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*rPsych agony aunt


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Hello, I am a 39 year old psychologist from Witney, UK. I am married with one little boy, and I work part-time. I have been answering questions on DearCupid for a couple of years as I think it is an important resource.

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Sister is having a party when my parents go away. She asked me if I wanted to drink too. Please advise.

Q.   Hey guys this isn't about relationships but this is now the only place I can get advice. My parents are going away for the weekend and my older sister is having people over. They are all gunna bring alcohol and some will bring fags. My sister asked ...

A.   15 April 2011: I think there are a couple of issues here. Your older sister should be protective of you, since you are younger and under-age. She maybe trying to get you drunk to humiliate you or because she gets a thrill from corrupting people. Alcohol isn't a ... (read in full...)

How do I get my parents to believe I am who I am and don't want to be like them?

Q.   This is a question about my mother....PLEASE READ!! Ok so Ive dealt with years of mental and physical abuse from my mum, she always tells me im worthless, no-one will love me, in useless, I'll never amount to anyone, I should just die already and ...

A.   14 April 2011: I didn't get along with my mother at your age. She had some mental problems and would take it out on everyone and everything. You have my sympathy in part. I left home at 18 and I suggest that is what you must do. Your relationship with your parents ... (read in full...)

Is he really is having his cake and eating it by living rent free at his mums and at mine?

Q.   Please help me I'm very confused about my relationship of 15 months. He has two kids from his prev relationship of 8 years. We don't live together but he is at my place every night. For majority of the time we get along good and I really love hi...

A.   11 April 2011: It is time to wind in those heart-strings and start thinking with your head. You are rowing with this man now and often over petty things. Imagine what it is going to be like if you moved in with him full-time!!! It may sound all romantic but the ... (read in full...)

Can I trust my bf again after he's cheated twice before? If so, how?

Q.   Hello, I have been dating a guy off and on for about 3 years. Hes my absolute best friend and the love of my life. But, I have major trust issues with him when it comes to cheating and such. We've dated 3 times (this time being our third) and the ...

A.   9 April 2011: Once a cheat, always a cheat. It doesn't mean he will cheat again, but the propensity to do so is embedded in his personality. By taking him back time and time again he now thinks he can get away with it - almost rationalising cheating as ... (read in full...)

I asked him to wear a condom and he was "offended" that I didnt trust him! Now he doesn't want the relationship anymore!!

Q.   I first met this guy in summer school...i didn't have any classes with him...but from the very beginning he started showing signs of interest...afterwards I think it was in September when he added me on face book...he kept on commenting on my posts ...

A.   9 April 2011: He wanted sex without a condom, thereby showing no respect for you (or himself). You were the responsible one by thinking about sexual infections and pregnancy at the heat of the moment. Well done for having the self esteem to stand up for yourself! ... (read in full...)

Girl from work giving me mixed messages! What does she want??

Q.   I need help, there is a girl at work that I really like, I have worked with her for a few years now but over the past month or so we have been texting like everyday. I eventually asked her out and she basically said that it would be nice but she ...

A.   9 April 2011: Girl from work likes her job. She may like you a bit, but she likes her job more. She likes the fact that you like is an ego boost! She likes to get reassurance of that fact by texting you when you are out. She does this as part of a little ... (read in full...)

Will going on a dating site make me feel better?

Q.   Your Open Question: What should I do? am really hurting:( ? I loved my ex boyfriend so much, but he lied, cheated on me and dumped me. He says he felt out of love with me:( last time I saw him I was really vulnerable and slept with him b...

A.   2 April 2011: SSSSSStttttopppppppp...delete that dating profile. You met a bad lad online, and there are plenty of them online. You cannot help what has happened with him but you can stop it occurring again with someone else. Dating websites are full of cheats, ... (read in full...)

Ex has come between me and my cousin. Am I wrong to have nothing to do with her?

Q.   Well, i went out with this boy for nearly a year, we were perfect for each other and we both fell in love with each other, we broke up because he started drinking and i didnt like it, but i still loved him for ages after the break up. i tell myself ...

A.   2 April 2011: The relationship between you and your ex wasn't working out and you separated. Your cousin has decided to date him while he is single. If he is trouble, then he will bring her trouble and she will learn a lesson. You may feel jealous but you have to ... (read in full...)

Why is this guy treating my daughter this way?

Q.   This is a question about my daughter. She is 19, attractive, bubbly, fun loving, normal 19 year old. Likes to be out with her friends and doing her own thing has had 2 lovely boyfriends. She is currently with a guy who is older than her, 7 year to ...

A.   1 April 2011: I think you are being a nice, supportive mother. The boyfriend sounds like a loser if he has a lovely girlfriend who he treats badly. Sadly this is a life lesson for her to learn. You can advise her but it is up to her to leave him. It is also the ... (read in full...)

My fiancee is having a second boob job - I don't know how to feel about this?

Q.   In 2008 my fiancee had a boob job, which wasn't my idea but she paid for it herself. She is quite tall and has a great body so although she went up to a DD she did carry it off well. She attracted a lot of attention, and has done glamour modellin...

A.   31 March 2011: No one here can tell you how to feel about this, but I can understand why you might be anxious. The problem with the glamour modelling business is that you are always in competition with other people - younger, bigger breasted, thinner or whatever ... (read in full...)

Would any boyfriend stand seeing his girlfriend with facial hair?

Q.   I'm 22 now and i've had this problem since I was 14. Unfortunately, when the hair started to grow very light, i didn't know that tweazing and waxing it would make it worst. Now, i'm at the point where i shave almost everyday (and if i skip a day,...

A.   28 March 2011: I have polycystic ovaries and that causes a whole lot of hair growth where us ladies would prefer not to have any. Laser therapy is a temporary solution if the cause of the hair growth is a hormonal imbalance. I did a course of laser torture a while ... (read in full...)

Married woman, Husband in in the middle!

Q.   some please put me out of misery many thanks. I met a beautiful girl through my close girl mate on new years eve. Intelligent (masters in psychology), green eyed bombshell, smart and very attractive. My friend had warned me to be careful because ...

A.   28 March 2011: This isn't a confused situation unless you let it be one. Basically the girl you like is married to a prisoner. She feels lonely and neglected, especially if he is a serial offender or on a long stretch inside. She may feel angry that he let himself ... (read in full...)

He's went back to his wife 28 times! I've had it!

Q.   I bumped in to my first love after 24 years, for two years our lives have been like a rollercoaster. He has now left and gone back to his wife 28 times. I have told him to leave me alone that I have had enough, but he will go a few days and then ...

A.   27 March 2011: Get on with your life without him...he went back to his wife 28 times. Frankly no-one should have to deal with that. I feel sorry for his wife the most - the whole situation must drive her mental! Maybe their marriage is just based on this whole ... (read in full...)

The relationship is over but I still live in his house

Q.   I have lived with my partner for 5 years and we have decided to call it a day. There have been so many problems this past year and he wont come to counselling with me. In order to support myself I have just started a full time job and bought ...

A.   27 March 2011: Hello, very sorry to hear about your relationship breakdown. If you are not married to this man or named on the tenancy/ lease/freehold then it is unlikely that you would have a claim over the property. I suggest that you approach the local local ... (read in full...)

He has 3 other women in his life, I am pregnant and he doesn't want anyone to know about the baby!!

Q.   Okay! I am a divorced professional with two children. I started dating an independent contractor who came to my house to do some work. It started as an innocent friendship and over time, became intimate. During our platonic friendship he mentioned ...

A.   27 March 2011: Your role is changing and so must your priorities. Before, you were a single girl casually dating a charmer who likes to play the field. He told you that he dated other women and you accepted the situation (secretly hoping he would be exclusive with ... (read in full...)

Is there any advise on how to motivate a lazy man?

Q.   I've been with my husband 6 years, married for 3. Throughout that time I've constantly been aware of his lack of motivation but I love him and I married him anyway. Five years ago, he took a really low paid job (just because it was the first on...

A.   26 March 2011: Hello, having infertility treatment can be incredibly stressful (I write from recent experience). I can really relate to your situation because I feel I have to push my husband to finish his part-time degree and find a better job. I think there ... (read in full...)

2 days on the job and I already feel like the managers are taking advantage of me

Q.   I recently started working at a new job, I've only been there two days and I already feel as though the managers are trying to take advantage of me. They've called me to come in at the very last minute and my hours are pretty erratic, I've worked ...

A.   26 March 2011: I think if you don't deal with the situation right now it can just fester. If you don't say anything then management will assume you are accepting the job for what it is. It will be brave to speak up as a 'new broom' in the job but you can see where ... (read in full...)

Am I a sucker and he's taking me for a ride?

Q.   I met a man via internet dating a few months ago. He seemed very nice, we got on really well and started seeing each other exclusively. We have a lot in common and I enjoy his company. He claimed on his profile that his income/standard of living ...

A.   26 March 2011: Perhaps he is going through a financial bad patch as many people are in this recession, and perhaps he is just old-fashioned mean skin-flint and doesn't want to pay for anything (regardless of his bank balance). I definitely think you need to stop ... (read in full...)

Should I let my 6-year-old daughter see her Mum, even though it may break her heart if her Mum then disappears again from her life?

Q.   Hi All, I have a beautiful 6 year old daughter, absolutely beautiful. I was with her Mum, a successful Uni graduate, for a short time when she was conceived, but we split up before she found out she was pregnant..anyway...she gave birth and I went t...

A.   26 March 2011: I commend you for being such a terrific and strong father to your child. Sadly the 'mother' has legal rights of access and your child may grow up resenting you if you do not allow her the opportunity to see her mother. As this woman is a stranger to ... (read in full...)

I'm ready for sex...but how to ask mum for the pill?

Q.   dear readers, ok here is the thing i want to have sex. i have in a wonderful relationship with a guy i have been with for 3 years and we are both ready. the crux is my mum always told me that i should come to her and ask for the birth control fi...

A.   26 March 2011: No-one knows your mother like you do and you need to use that personal insight to tackle this difficult situation. At 16 you should be able to access the contraceptive pill from a doctor without parental consent. However, it is a good idea that ... (read in full...)

Boyfriend says I'm needy and nag, but I'm not sure I'm that way at all!

Q.   I am having a problem with my boyfriend of 8 mnths. he says i nag and am needy and am not sure if I am. From day one we have been arguing and i think what has kept the relationship is i can help him financially when he is broke or in need of rent ...

A.   26 March 2011: My advice is to leave this man alone. He doesn't care about you, just the contents of your purse. He has made it clear he doesn't want a serious relationship with you and he doesn't treat you very nicely. He goes out alone as he is in search of ... (read in full...)

Why am I jealous of my son spending time with his girlfriend?

Q.   My 16 year old son has his first serious girlfriend whom he has been dating a few months. At first I liked her well enough but lately they spend so much time together I have been feeling jealous of the time and affection that he gives to her and not ...

A.   23 March 2011: Being a mother has been a central part of your identity for the past 16-17 years (at least). It can be hard to change your role from one of 24/7 care-giver when your children are small, to advisor and enabler as they enter their teens. In one ... (read in full...)

How do I repair my shattered confidence? my ex is telling all my penis is small

Q.   im 15 and my ex is 13. we went out for a few months and during this time we did have sex. it was my first time so i was insecure about how i looked, what i was doing and like all guys, my penis size. its only 5.5 inches and my ex is now spreading ...

A.   22 March 2011: What should you do? Get over it as life is full of gossips and not very nice shallow people. Not all girls are that interested in the size - it really is what you do with it that matters. Her approach to dealing with your relationship being over ... (read in full...)

He has been in jail, yet I am studying criminal family don't approve and it will affect my career, but I cant help the way I feel about him!

Q.   I dont really know what the purpose of this question is, or even if it is a question, i suppose i just need some advice. Growing up I always had issues trusting people, throughout school i never had a boyfriend as i would not let anyone get close...

A.   21 March 2011: Everyone makes a mistake...John made at least two from the sounds of things. He may turn out to be a reformed character with your influence, but he maybe a hopeless case too. Prison changes people and he must have done something fairly significant ... (read in full...)

I am a virgin and not pregnant. But why have I not had a period since January?

Q.   I am 16, and I am really confused. My last period started January 5th, and I havent gotten one since. There is no possible way I could be pregnant, I am a virgin. What is going on with my body? It is really starting to worry me that I have missed ...

A.   21 March 2011: You are not pregnant as you haven't been sexually active with anyone. There are very many hormonal reasons for a loss of periods. For a start it is not too unusual to miss a few at your age as your cycles are probably still settling into place. ... (read in full...)

I fancy my boyfriend's brother!

Q.   i think im falling for my boyfriends brother! we went out at the weekend and my boyfriend went home poorly so i stayed with his brother, he walked me back to my house to check on my boyfriend but we ended up going back out, as we got into town we ...

A.   21 March 2011: Boyfriend's brother is one nasty piece of work. If he is pulling up your dress in public places then it suggests he doesn't have a great deal of respect for you. He is treating you like some kind of tramp who can be grabbed as he likes. Stay away ... (read in full...)

Do you think the man I am having an affair with is seeing someone else?

Q.   Please don't judge me... I am married and am having an affair with a recently separated man. (We hooked up when he was married last year). To give a brief hx, I knew him from the past yet never hooked up. Well we did last year and had sex. I never...

A.   21 March 2011: It didn't start on a very good footing - you are both cheating at the end of the day. If your husband makes you so miserable then leave him. You are a young woman who can go out in the world and find a nice, uncomplicated SINGLE man. I realise this ... (read in full...)

I dumped her 8 times and now I'm fuming that she has found new love?? Any thoughts??

Q.   Last year I casually dated a girl on an off for 10 months. She fell head over heals in love with me and worshiped the ground that I walked on. LSS I took her kindness for a weakness and abused the hell out of her and dumped her for the 8th time in ...

A.   15 March 2011: You have a narcissistic personality disorder and you believe that everyone should fall at your feet to feed that superior ego. The girl was a bit of a doormat if she let you dump her 8 times and kept coming back for more. She is entitled to date who ... (read in full...)

Is it me that makes my man hit me???? Please help!

Q.   I don't no what 2 do, my man think's all I'm good for is clean cook and if he not like what I say 2 him I get hit. But he blames me and said if I do what I am told he will not get cross with me and he will not do it 2 me. So is it me that makes him ...

A.   15 March 2011: It the mindset of the abuser to blame someone else. You are not with a 'man' - you are with a coward who picks on you as he sees you as his property, not his lady. He has deep psychological problems as all perpetrators of domestic violence do. You ... (read in full...)

Should I still be having sex with him or am I being used?

Q.   My partner and I have been together for 12 years and we have a daughter together, out of the blue he said he couldn't live with me anymore and moved out. We have been getting on really well and still having sex. I also know he has taken a girl muc...

A.   15 March 2011: It all depends on how you feel about the situation. If you are willing to accept no-strings casual sex then it is probably ok since you are not in a relationship and neither is he. However, you seem upset that he has kissed another girl and that may ... (read in full...)

Girlfriends drinking is causing protective services to get involved with our daughter

Q.   im 24yr male my girlfriend is 23 and we have been together for 2years but 3months into our relationship she became pregnant we both love eachother it was abit of a shock but we both agreed to stick by eachother, at this time she was living with her ...

A.   13 March 2011: I used to work in the field of child protection in the UK. The threshold for considering taking a child into care is very high, in accordance with the law. The police and other agencies have a legal obligation to report child concerns of any serious ... (read in full...)

Best condom for my bf to use so I don't get pregnant?

Q.   My bf and are both 18 and want sex what the best condom he can use to prevent pregnancy im not on the pill and don't want to be ...

A.   12 March 2011: All condoms have roughly the same effectiveness rate - but it isn't 100%. Rather than focus on the best brand, focus on following the packet instructions and making sure you both know how to fit one properly (better sorted out when you are not in a ... (read in full...)

Does My Baby's Father Really Want to Be With Us

Q.   I am guilty of over explaining. So I am going to try and make this short and sweet. My significant other and I have been together for three and a half years. Nine months ago we had our first son together. This is my first child and his third. ...

A.   11 March 2011: I think you have to put your child first in the queue for your attention right now. You need to be protective because this man has not showed any commitment. You say it is his third child - does he support and see the other children? If he does not, ... (read in full...)

Desperate for answers. Will someone please tell me why my boyfriend won't accept that I don't want to be with him...

Q.   Hey there, I'd really appreciate as much help as possible. I was with this guy for 6 months and everything was great at first. He was sweet, kind. But then he started getting really clingy, so I told him to back off a bit as I preffered casual...

A.   11 March 2011: Focus on your studies and get into University. It will get you away from the place where this boy lives and all the baggage surrounding it. He won't accept your decision because he doesn't respect you and does indeed regard you as 'his property'. ... (read in full...)

18 years old, getting married in a few months and questioning it! What should I do?

Q.   I have run into a problem. I am a person who can be told not to do this (ex. if you ride that horse, you're going to get bucked off), but I still get on. I always have to learn the hard way. I am at the tender age of 18, and I am engaged and gett...

A.   11 March 2011: Hello, 18 is very young to be entering the commitment of marriage. I think it is pretty normal to want to travel, find an occupation and live a little at 18. If you don't do it then, you will be bitter when you reach middle or old-age and think back ... (read in full...)

Would a woman really lead someone on knowing they were taking the piss out of me for a laugh, or is this my low self confidence

Q.   I would love some advice on a situation I have at the moment. Not long ago, I moved to a new area and have got myself a job and really settled well. Since starting I have noticed a girl at work who I really like and get on with. Not long after ...

A.   11 March 2011: This is a disaster on a number of fronts. For a start, work is never the place to play around. I know lots of people meet their partners that way, but it is risky and if it goes wrong then it gets awkward over the photocopier. While she may fancy ... (read in full...)

He said he had a great time and then just vanished!

Q.   I went on a date last Saturday night with a guy I had met a few times before. I was thrilled when he asked me out for a drink as I had liked him for a while. We had a lovely evening. The conversation flowed and we spent hours just chatting until t...

A.   11 March 2011: There could be a number of reasons. On the extreme side, he may have lost his phone, had an accident or be involved in some catastrophic family disaster. On the less extreme side, he may have another woman on the go and perhaps she found out about ... (read in full...)

What does this body language mean?

Q.   I have a question about body language. What does it mean when a girl stands up with her legs crossed facing the opposite direction? ...

A.   9 March 2011: According to body language experts, she likes or is attracted to the person in the direction to which the crossed leg is pointing. However, there is a danger of reading far too much into body language!... (read in full...)

I don't want this guy to move on, but I miss my freedom as I'm only 16!!

Q.   Hey, thanks for taking the time to answer this question, as much help as possible would be great. First off, I work with this guy in the same pub. We met this way, and started dating. We then soon got together. I have now been with him for 6...

A.   9 March 2011: You cannot stay with a man just to please your family and friends. He is showing some very dangerous characteristics of being needy, dependent and jealous. This amounts to controlling behaviour and you are just casually dating right now. You should ... (read in full...)

Why would he give permission to sleep with another man if he loved me?

Q.   I feel totally stuck in a rut situation. My relationship broke down recently, we were together 7 yrs on and off with him going between 2 homes mine and his mums, he is 42 and his mum 72. We parted at xmas and have recently starting getting along ...

A.   9 March 2011: It sounds like he has his mother and then you as 'second mother'. At 42 if he still has his mother waiting on him then it is surely a bad sign. Most people resent their in-laws to some degree, but it sounds like she is being a good grandmother to ... (read in full...)

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