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Tisha-1
writes:A Primer on Women and SexLook, we girls are funny. We don't sexually mature all overnight, our first sexual experiences are often painful, crappy and frankly unfulfilling on many levels. We don't know how to give blowjobs, most of us don't grow up watching porn, dreaming of getting it up the ass, or having gangbangs and all those porno type stuff that's made for men to pay cash for. We go into sex not knowing very much, feeling very insecure about our less-perfect-bodies, hoping that we'll please the guy we love so much, hoping he'll find us desirable and will be loving and forgiving if we don't know how to do everything or do it wrong.We have to learn to feel comfortable with our bodies and this new sexuality we're just figuring out. Wow, THAT feels amazing, wow, when he does THIS and I do THAT, whoa, baby, that's great, oh my god this is great omg omg don't stop don't stop....We relax into the relationship, things are going great, we start to feel really sexual, and certain things that were once taboo now become a possibility.Remember when you were 12 and kissing with tongues was like, the grossest most disgusting yechy blechy thing you could ever think of? Like eewwwww putting your tongue in someone's mouth, ewwwwwwww. Then when you were 14 and suddenly it seemed like a really fabulous idea and you were actually getting erections as a result of something that only 2 years ago you found absolutely loathsome?It's the same thing here, honey, we girls have absolutely NO IDEA what to do with a penis or how to touch it or anything. Remember, we're not watching the porn channel secretly on our parents TV, we're into romance and holding hands and swooning, not crotch shots and penetration shots and dreaming of anal sex. I can promise you that the vast majority of young girls do not have porno dream fantasies of sex. It's more like, come swoop us up in your strong, masculine arms, carry us to the feather bed, lay us back gently and then caress us till we die of pleasure. We have our own fantasies of sex, see.Then when reality comes, and you're with a guy and you're facing this penis, you don't know what to do and it's frankly strange looking and very scary and there's no way on earth I can even think about touching it let alone putting it my mouth or vagina or letting it anywhere near me. Ewwwwww!But then as you learn and play and love and explore, things get more interesting and you start to see what the fuss is about. You let yourself go and you allow yourself to feel safe in the arms of your beloved. He tells you to let yourself go, you're safe with me, we can do anything, we can play and fantasize and have fun, and you trust him and you think it's okay and you allow yourself to release and let go and just allow anything.There's a reason that they say women reach their sexual peak at 40, and men at 19. That's because for women, it's mostly mental and learning to relax and trust and just go for it takes a long time. Remember, that's 40, not 30 or 20.Anal SexShe may have tried anal, she may have asked for it. However, she may decide she doesn't like it and she doesn't really want to carry on doing it and she may never offer it to you again. Anal is really not everyone's cuppa tea, and as my microbiology professor pointed out in a particularly fascinating class, there's a perfectly wonderful, specially designed piece of anatomy right next to the anus that lubricates and expands and everything. And it doesn't hurt and doesn't make you poop funny the next day or feel that you're pooping all during sex. Feeling like you're pooping all during sex isn't particularly erotic, for many women. Oh, and there's the poo thing too, can't forget that.I don’t know why anal is expected by so many men. I expect it’s the effect of porn viewing. It makes it look like, oh, it’s so easy, see, she can take it! Why can’t my wife/girlfriend/FWB give it to me? Newsflash, anal sex can really HURT. Unless you’ve had a comparably sized dildo up your anus, you may never understand this. Don’t push for it. If she says ‘no’ she means it. Lay off and stick to fantasizing. Maybe try not to watch porn involving anal so much, it might tone down your expectations.ForeplayI love how people assume the definition of "foreplay" is the same for everybody. Was there some rulebook I missed out on? "First, touch part A for 2 minutes, then caress part B for 3 minutes, then kiss part C for 2 1/2 minutes, before moving on to the REAL DEAL, which of course for EVERYONE can only be penis in vagina sexual intercourse."I hate that so many people miss out on the fact that for many women, it is during foreplay that actual orgasms happen. For many women, it is the ‘real deal,’ it is sex, just as sexual intercourse is sex. I know that sexual intercourse feels great for men and it does for women too, it just does not lead to orgasms in a majority of women. If you are rushing foreplay (vague as that term is) to get to intercourse, you are missing the chance to really explore your woman’s sexual response. Do not shortchange her or underestimate the power of extended foreplay.Orgasms: clitoral or vaginal?Then there are the orgasm police who insist that a woman's orgasm must occur from penile penetration only. A "clitoral" one is considered inferior somehow. I blame Freud.Look, men have penises and they are lovely and can be fantastic feeling, but they are not the be-all and end-all of a woman's sexual experience. Sorry, guys. We have our own body parts and our own sensations and I think the best lovers are the ones who recognize that. The best lovers are the ones who try to figure out what works for the person they are with. For some, it may be only sexual intercourse; for others, well, there are so many ways to stimulate and please. Why get stuck in a rut?The vagina is a not an inside-out penis. I’ll say that again. The vagina is not an inside-out penis. Once you grasp that she has an organ similar to your penis, called a clitoris, you will have made a spectacular leap in the direction of understanding how her sexual response occurs.If she cannot orgasm during intercourse, she is not broken. There is nothing wrong with her. She is not at fault, you are not at fault, your penis is not at fault. I’ll post some links in a follow up comment that will help you understand this point a little better.Swallowing?Have you ever tasted semen? Ever had it shot down your throat, hot out of the tube? Hm. It's an acquired taste, just like, say, oysters or snails. Individual women will like different things.Some will learn to like it, others will never like it, some will tolerate it, some will adore it. I expect many women swallow just so they won’t have to clean up the mess. Whatever your woman chooses to do, go with it. She is receiving your penis into her mouth, an act of great trust and great intimacy, do not go ballistic if she cannot swallow due to a personal preference or nasty gag reflex. Do not get all huffy, or steam with resentment if you ever expect her to open up and really enjoy the incredible intimacy that fellatio can bring.Under no circumstances, without having discussed it first, do you EVER put your hand on the back of her head and push yourself into her mouth. That is very coercive and is not HOT, it is almost guaranteed to make a younger woman decline to offer oral sex to you ever again. Again, watch the porn stuff, it is NOT an instruction manual for how to make love to a woman. Porn is designed to sell to men, so it feeds male fantasies. Most women dislike having semen in their eyes or up their noses. That isn’t sexy. Size matters, or does it?There is NOTHING sexy about a man with a 6" penis who is feeling inadequate and needs reassurance that he's a good lover. There is EVERYTHING sexy about a man with a 6" penis who feels hot and loves making love and who gives and takes pleasure with equal joy and abandon and who thinks he's with a sexy woman and lets her know he desires her above all others.9" penises are really no fun to perform oral sex on, they are too long to fit into the vagina all the way anyway, and anal sex? Um, OUCH. This is all in your head, I can virtually guarantee you that she's not focused on your penis size. This is such a guy-issue. I know the penis is the exterior manifestation of your sexuality and all that, but honestly, for most women, it's just another piece of the man we love. If he has a 6" penis, we love that 6" penis. We do not sit around moping, wishing he'd just have been given that 1" more. No, we seriously do not.I'm going to say this fairly plainly. As long as he's within the normal range, we don't care about the size of the penis. Seriously. We DON'T CARE.Personality. Willingness to please her. Those are way more important than penis size. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that a sexual encounter revolves entirely around your penis. I know, it's the core of your sexuality, but it isn't the core of hers. I hope this compilation of a few of my posts on women’s sexual response is helpful to men trying to understand their women. We aren’t so different, men and women want to please our partners, we just have to recognize that we are wired just so slightly differently. Celebrate the differences and have a great time playing and having fun exploring!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 March 2013):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dirtball! Long time no see! Happy to have you back here and so happy you are posting again. Thanks for the kind words on the old article. I hope it helps someone... even just to have a laugh when needed. Thanks again.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 March 2013):
 I know I'm coming a little late to the game here, but I've been away and just found this article. Great work Tisha, and great discussion.
I'd like to point out something that's alluded to but never really expressly discussed, at least I didn't notice it. I've found that a woman's sexual arousal is highly mental. That's part of why foreplay is so important. Foreplay is just about anything. Kissing, touching, oral, a massage... Often, during the foreplay, you can get a sense of the mood and the type of sex that's desired. That's where being attentive comes into play.
Anyway, great article and discussion. I'm going to be linking this to people in the future.
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 Tisha, what an outstanding article. Where was that in 1981 when I would really have benefitted??Good discussion about the question of the ‘peak’. I’m going to have to weigh in on 18 for guys. That’s based upon one weekend that summer where I happened to be away on a holiday with a girl who, when the mood struck her, was, shall we say, unrestrained. I was too stupid to be self-conscious, so it worked rather well. Observing my wife as she’s ‘matured’, your comments seem to be spot on -- she seemed more interested in her late 30s/early 40s. On swallowing. “Gift” is exactly right. People who take gifts for granted tend not to get them anymore. That’s a lesson for the young and dumb guys (upon whom it will be lost until it’s too late).Thanks again for a super article and great discussion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): Thx, dark heart x, that was helpful.
Wish more people knew the facts about the Pill. I'd never ask a woman to go on it, it's completely unnatural, does horrible things to their bodies, and screws with hormones as you said. It's just not worth it.
"every time they go "eeewwww" when a chubby girl on screen gets kissed or sex... there's a woman (or more) listening who feels worthless."
I've never ever seen that happen. But I have heard girls go "eeewwww" about a guy's body many, many, many times. Guys are the ones modern society deems unattractive. Their bodies are the object of ridicule, comedy and disgust. That's my perspective anyway. even if you look like Taylor Lautner, you'll get laughed at for being pretty. Women do not have the monopoly on body issues.
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reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (15 November 2011):
 I met my partner just as I turned 40. I'm not sure if it was to do with "women reaching their peak" at 40 or the fact that he was an incredibly skilled lover but I started to experience multiple orgasms, which I had never experienced before. He had me singing from the rafters and I would get such extreme emotions afterwards, like crying or laughing my head off because it was so intense! At times I had to stop, after the first or second orgasm, because the feelings were just too damn powerful!
Unfortunately now we don't make love as often as we did, but an illness forcing me into the menopause hasn't entirely helped. I really have very little feeling down there at the moment and I'm gutted!!
As for women's taste and smell, well I've never met a man who had a problem with that! In fact they were enthusiastic diners!!!! I guess if a women smelt of fish then that would not be good!
Swallowing - well it's not pleasant, is it? I've done it a few times but the preference is to spit! And men's semen differs; some may have a reasonably pleasant taste and smell, whereas others is really quite off putting. Especially if it's gloopy and smelly - yuk!!!
So to summarise, sex in my forties has far outweighed any previous encounters by far!
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reader, Odds +, writes (15 November 2011):
 @ Tisha
Thanks for the feedback on my feedback. Now I just can't stop feeling sorry for the couple with the ultimatum though...
Yeah, there is external stimulation going on in the position I outlined, true. So, yeah, it's "cheating," but it seems to do the trick. Maybe there's some biological synergy at work. But then, I also have only had sex in the context of long-term relationships, so there's a lot of comfort and trust built up, too, so that might be a factor, but I do more than enough overthinking as it is. Either way, if she's happy, mission accomplished.
A primer on male sexuality would not be that hard to whip up, really. I think it's a much, much simpler topic than, say, how a girl could be a real keeper instead of an LTR (I'll have to write that up sometime). Really only two points to it:
1) His erection has a mind of its own. It shows up when it wants, and it leaves when it wants, and short of chemical interference, all he can do is encourage it. Don't make a big deal if it's up at the wrong time, or down at the wrong time (which of those occurs more frequently varies by age, but anything can happen to anyone).
2) A girl's technique is a distant second to her enthusiasm. All the fancy hip movements and oral skills in the world just can't match the feeling of seeing a girl who is acting like you and your penis are an oasis in the desert. Whether it's fast or slow sex that night, enthusiasm is what he's looking for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): Am I the only one to find all this a bit depressing?
- it takes women 40 years to peak sexually
- most cannot orgasm from intercourse
- "it takes some women 40 MINUTES of continuous motion to reach orgasm"
- "She's laying there thinking the curtain rod needs dusting"
- "sexual experiences are often painful, crappy and frankly unfulfilling on many levels"
The picture I get is women just don't like sex. Not naturally anyway. It's an acquired taste, like black coffee or cigarettes, that you can learn to eventually like. Which is why it takes men so much persistence, patience and coaxing to convince a woman to have sex, and then so much hard work to make it pleasant for her instead of an ordeal.
Is it really that bad?? If women don't see what I'm getting at, imagine having to initiate sex with a man who was very nervous and reluctant, thought your body strange and scary looking, certainly couldn't get aroused from looking at it, couldn't orgasm inside you, and thought about curtain rods until it was over.
It does make me think men and women are inherently incompatible on some level. As though either God or nature made a ton of mistakes in our design. Your article is undoubtedly accurate, I just hope there are more women out there who are the exception.
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reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (15 November 2011):
 I am liking this post more and more everytime somebody adds to it. Thanks again Tisha for starting it.
Back to the question I posted about sexual desire changing. I thought about what Tisha said the last time my husband was in the mood and trying to initiate sex. It was so hard for me to get in the mood. Why? All I was thinking about was the dishes that I had to wash and the trash I had to get ready for trash day. But, luckily for me, I have a husband I discuss a lot with....and I mean a lot! He knows about this post and what I have written. So, needless to say, we talked about my (at the time) lack of interest in sex. It was a great conversation too.
Now, I have to comment on the most recent posts starting with Odds' post:
Re:Re:Foreplay
I agree that foreplay is important and also that it can diminish the mans ability to last longer. I know from discussions that my husband loves at least a little foreplay because seeing me being pleasured is hot to him. But, I also know that too much foreplay and sometimes we are done in just a few minutes when the intercourse actually starts. I think with all couples communication is key to figure out what kind and how much of foreplay each person likes.
I also have many friends who can only get off through clitoral stimulation. I am not in that group so I don't know first hand how frustrating that can be so I am only speaking from what I have been told. I have one friend that has tried almost every position she has ever heard of only to find it doesn't work for her unless clitoral stimulation is involved. I have another friend who has to have intercourse and no clitoral stimulation for it to work. So, again, communication is key.
Re:Re:Swallowing
Personally......ICK!!! And, yes, I have tried it. I hate the taste so much. But, I also expressed that up front and in the beginning of my sexual relationship with my husband. So, he could express his opinion too. Thankfully, for me, he could care either way. But, I can see why it would be better for a man to have a woman swallow. It's like having to use the pull-out method during the week off the pills, it doesn't feel the same. I also believe that it is something, along with the pushing of the woman's head, to be discussed between the two people.
I don't entirely agree with relating going down on a woman to swallowing semen though. I understand my stuff can taste and smell just like his, but I don't fully believe their is enough of my stuff to equate to his when he ejaculates. I also can't see enough similarity between something being shot into your mouth with something being "licked up". But, my opinion in this area may also be bias.
Re:Re:Penis Size
I can see this being similar to a woman's issue with her body. It completely makes sense to me being explained that way. I know I have a few issues with my body no matter how much my husband says he likes it. I would hate to be a guy and feel that way about my penis. Thank you for your insight on this subject Odds.
As to the sexual peak of men and women. I can understand all the controversy since I don't fully believe men reach theirs at 19 and women at 40. Just until about a year ago, I wanted sex way more often that my husband. I was practically begging for it some days. And now the roles are reversed and I am still 100% willing and ready at least a few times/week. So, if a year ago I wanted it almost every day but now I want it maybe 2-3 times/week does that mean I will suddenly change closer to 40 and want it more than once every day? That seems highly unlikely to me. I also find that my husband seems to be more sexual and sensual than he was about a year ago and he almost 10 years past the age of his "peak". So, I do think that it may have something to do with confidence levels. I also think it has something to do with comfortableness. I know on the days I feel more connected emotional and physically with my husband I seem to want it more than on the days I am not.
I do also believe what Dark Heart says about women wanting a quicky sometimes. There are days I want nothing more than to have rough passionate sex in 10 minutes or less. But, again, it goes back to communication. Based on all the talks my husband and I have had, I know how to initiate quickies and how to initiate slow lovemaking and have him know the difference.
I guess basically, it all boils down to communication. Not all men are the same and not all women are the same. But, if you can find someone that you feel comfortable sharing your sexual fantasies/requests/likes/dislikes with then you will most likely have a great sex life.
Thanks again for the great post :)
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2011):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDark heart, thanks for posting on my article! Good stuff! I didn't need to add the 40 minutes thing because you have provided it. That's a real eye-opener, going to my previous comment on the iron/oven timing for sexual response.
I guess I should have added that lovemaking with women requires patience, if you are sincere about her reaching orgasm.
Great point on the potential for oral or anal to cause shame for her. Really good observation.
I like your last statement, 'Sometimes every woman wants a quicky, passion filled, crazy moment. But other times you want it to be all about the "love" and less about the "sex" and to be taken care of.' From another woman, you have that exactly right.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2011):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOdds, thanks for posting on my article! Woot!"The problem for me occurred when the women did not communicate what they wanted on any particular night - slow and tender or rough and passionate - perhaps they didn't even know, but I was usually still expected to be a mind-reader." Ah yes, the inarticulate lover, soooo frustrating! Maybe the problem with the uncommunicative ones is that they honestly don't know what they feel like that night. Maybe sex wasn't on their minds and then it starts to happen and they have no idea what level of tenderness or roughness or inbetweeness of sex they want. As I think about this, there have been times when it's not on my mind at all (sorry dear) and then he wants to do something. I can't just go from zero to 60 in 5.7 seconds or even minutes. I've heard it said that men are like an iron and women are like an oven, an iron heats up in seconds, the oven takes a while. Maybe starting from cold oven phase means she had no set agenda? In which case, as the guy initiates, it's up to him to set the agenda? I know, so unfair.On the "peak" thing, well, I have heard from some friends and seen on posts here that in their 40s, the women suddenly find themselves feeling really sexual. Ok, horny is the word they use most often, but anyway, there's a point for many women when they are feeling much more interested in having sex. They want sex more often than their mates. I think the 19 year mark corresponds more to men's refractory period, ahem, where they can have an orgasm, then have another one, then another in a short period of time.I totally agree on the comfort thing, seeing as I was so vague on what "peak" meant, it could mean any number of things, and I like that idea. Maybe as we age and gain some experience and more confidence, we can simply enjoy the sexual experience more and desire it more as well. On the foreplay thing, that's a very intriguing suggestion for technique, and one worthy of exploring. May I point out, however, that there is clitoral stimulation involved, so it technically is intercourse with clitoral stimulation, so that raises the question, is it the clitoral stimulation or the intercourse that is causing the orgasm? Not to split hairs, of course, it sounds like you take great pains to ensure a satisfactory experience for your partner, but I think there are many men out there who think that their penis alone should be enough. And I wish that were the case, that the penis was enough, but in the majority of women, there needs to be concurrent clitoral stimulation in order to reach an orgasm.On oral sex, "Just like I'd expect any man to take the time to learn to go down on a woman (that smell and taste can take some getting used to on even the freshest, cleanest woman), it's worth it for any woman to acquire the taste for it. Really, a man going down on a woman is swallowing every bit as much - it's just over the course of ten minutes, rather than all at once. Or maybe I expect too much of people, I don't know." Ah yes, smell and taste, smell and taste. Very profound and deeply primal things happen when one person has his or her nose in the genitals of another. Men aren't entirely without their own funky smell or taste, and there are those pre-cum fluids that seep out... Yes, a man engaging in cunnilingus is in a more, shall we say, liquid environment? I've never worked out how you men manage to keep the nose from being blocked, but let's not go there, 'kay? Maybe it's like drinking something semi-unpleasant, some take it down in little sips, and some take it down in a shot.For the record, I swallow. But I fully understand why many women simply cannot manage. There are times when the gag reflex is triggered and you want to upchuck. There are times the sensation is so acrid you think you are getting a sore throat. It is the opposite of sexy, as all you can think about is getting to the sink to gargle the bad feeling out of there. Giving oral is a gift, and I think some men do themselves a disservice by demanding ingestion of semen when all that does is set up resentment on her part and will result in less oral sex, not more for the man. As for motorboating, ah well, as long as she has a sense of humor. If he was doing it in earnest, though and expected her to be turned on by it? Um, eek? Can you not appreciate the horror? The tragedy? Ha!The penis size question makes me worry for the guy that he's got some misinformation that will make him a less than adequate lover, that he will focus on his penis as the sole instrument of her pleasure and completely miss all the other things he could be doing to ensure she has a satisfying sexual experience. There's a thread on here that I've answered in which the guy has basically issued an ultimatum to his gf that she has to have an orgasm from intercourse alone or he will break up with her. Maybe I need to write my version of a primer for having sex with men for women. The problem with that is that I'm not a guy and I'll get most of it wrong. All I can do is present what could be going through a woman's mind when certain sexual obstacles pop up.
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reader, Odds +, writes (13 November 2011):
"It's more like, come swoop us up in your strong, masculine arms, carry us to the feather bed, lay us back gently and then caress us till we die of pleasure."
True, every woman I've ever dated liked that, but all of them also frequently wanted to just be taken and banged like an animal (admittedly, a single-digit sample size, but I'll stand by it). The problem for me occurred when the women did not communicate what they wanted on any particular night - slow and tender or rough and passionate - perhaps they didn't even know, but I was usually still expected to be a mind-reader.
"There's a reason that they say women reach their sexual peak at 40, and men at 19."
I've heard that before, and I still suspect that it's using different ideas of a "peak." If you're talking about comfort, I'd hazard that 80% of guys are just as insecure about themselves at 19 as women. A lot of guys still haven't lost their virginity at that age, so calling it their "peak" seems a bit unlikely (heck, I lost mine just a month or two before turning 19, and certainly didn't start to really feel confident for a few more years). 19 or 20 would be the hormonal peak for both genders, but 35 or 40 would probably be much closer to the confidence peak for both.
Re: Foreplay
Agreed for the most part, it's important for the woman and, speaking as a man, the right amount of foreplay builds up great anticipation for the man which makes the payoff all the sweeter - if you do it right. But I'll play devil's advocate for a moment here: some guys, particularly younger guys, may worry that building up too much anticipation may make them get off too quickly. Other times, even the most generous lover may just want to get his rocks off, and it's part of the give-and-take that sometimes his girlfriend really ought to just have a quickie (of course, the same boyfriend really ought to sometimes dedicate a night to what she wants, too).
I've heard the claim that many/most women can't get off from intercourse, but I've never had that problem - my first girlfriend and I figured out a trick that has worked ever since, so I'll share it here (I'd love to hear if this works for most, or if I've just gotten lucky). Get in the spoons position, with the man as big spoon. Angle his entry so that the tip of his penis is pressing against the G-spot (about two inches in, maybe a little less; the woman should give feedback). I've heard that not every woman has a G-spot, but either way, do it this way. Press the heel of his hand against the outside of her underbelly to create internal pressure between his penis and hand (again, feedback is needed to determine the correct amount of pressure), then use his fingers to work at her clit. Kiss the back of her neck and go at it (protip: when you find what works on a man, do it harder; when you find what works on a woman, do it *exactly* that same way until she gets off).
Other tricks have worked, but that one never fails. Give it a shot. Also, motorboating is fun; probably won't get her off, but that's not what it's for. Hehe.
Re: Swallowing
"The best lovers are the ones who try to figure out what works for the person they are with." I'm going to go with that earlier sentiment of yours. Swallowing is ten times better. Just like I'd expect any man to take the time to learn to go down on a woman (that smell and taste can take some getting used to on even the freshest, cleanest woman), it's worth it for any woman to acquire the taste for it. Really, a man going down on a woman is swallowing every bit as much - it's just over the course of ten minutes, rather than all at once. Or maybe I expect too much of people, I don't know.
Agreed on the "holding her head down" thing, though with younger, less experienced guys, grabbing at her head can be a reflex during a moment when it's really, really hard to think straight. Proactively telling him to hold on to something else might solve that.
Re: Penis size
This is one of those things that guys either feel secure about or they don't - much like many women simply feel insecure in their own bodies, it's not a rational matter of objective assessment, or even a response to how much the other person likes it (I knew one girl who absolutely hated her body no matter how much I said or demonstrated that I liked it), just something that one either cares about or does not. Not much one can do about it except refuse to discuss it.
Overall, great article, though I'd say I'm a bit more jaded than you, so I've had to elucidate some finer points I saw differently. This is the sort of thing that many women simply fail to communicate to men - and, us being men, when we don't hear anything we tend to assume everything is alright (maybe that's just me being jaded again, though - people, male or female, can be pretty dense).
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2011):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had to look up "motorboating" too. Ah, that poor guy, I wonder when someone will break it to him that he is not firing on all his cylinders, lol.
Well, to answer your question, charliesdevil, what I observed in myself was less wishful thinking and more actual physical response, if that makes any sense. As in, in my early 20s, I so wanted to have a good experience with sex that I kind of wished it so I was extremely sensitive to say, ear lobe stimulation. It was like 'wow'! Then as I learned more about myself, that wouldn't do it for me as I had figured out the 'real' hotspots, if you know what I mean. It wasn't a conscious thing, mind you, I think I wasn't figuratively hyperventilating any longer, I was more relaxed and less anxious about having to show him that I was having a good time, that he was being a good lover.
As to the frequency question, there was a guy who posted a question a few months back in which he discussed the multiple orgasm thing. He asked how women got anything done during the day, because if he could have experienced back-to-back continuous orgasms, he never would stop, he said.
I know. Most women laugh at that because we have to-do lists that need attention and can't imagine being so selfish as to give up an entire day to nothing but having orgasms, even if we can, ha!
My guess on the less interest in sex and intimacy is that we women allow our daily task lists to take over. Personal pleasure gets dropped to the very bottom because we are not supposed to be selfish. We are supposed to be responsible nurturing, selfless givers. If that is the ideal of womanhood, how on earth can we waste time trying to have orgasms.
I also think that we spend a lot of time accommodating other people and sex is included in that. That means we start to feel that sex becomes a task, not a personal desire.
We all have our own rhythms and cycles and personal levels of desire, I think we have to recognize those wax and wane depending on certain times of the year or month and on personal health.
I know when I was heavy and unhappy with myself, it was harder to enjoy sex. Could it be that your body is changing that way, you just haven't noticed yet? My weight gain crept up on me.
I will tell you this, though, I learned to be more comfortable with myself, despite the weight and more accepting and to develop the sense of humor and fun that keeps things interesting.
I think as I got older I had a more "what the hell" attitude and was more accepting of my imperfect self. As that acceptance and compassion for myself, as I am, grew, so did my willingness to be myself, sexually. And that's enough info about that!
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reader, Miamine +, writes (12 November 2011):
 "motorboat me????"... Thank goodness for google
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reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (12 November 2011):
I too, HippyChick, was a sexual natural. But, as Tisha stated, not all women are. I loved sex my very first time and have continued to enjoy it since then. I have also encountered men who have no clue what they are doing in regards to sex. I have actually had a man motorboat me "down there" as foreplay. I have never seen that in any porn I have watched, so I have no clue how he came to the conclusion that is was "hot". I also do not see how Tisha made it seem that all men were idiots and all women need to grow to like sex. I took it as more of a general idea of what us women like. Of course, there will be women who deviate from this in either direction. Too me, it seemed like an average of a "Kinsey-like" sex survey. And there are always outliers in each direction of those averages. A perfect example is you and me, we liked sex right away. A lot of women do have to grow to like since it does hurt for many women their first time. And who would want to continue to something that hurts?
Well, enough of that. Tisha, to your question....I know I am only 26, but I have noticed a change quite recently in my sexuality. I used have many "hot spots" that would get me off, but now I seem to only have a few. Since there are some more mature women on this site, and this post seems to be going into the discussion direction, have any of you women had this happen to you? I also noticed that sex doesn't seem to matter as much to me anymore. Not that I don't want it, I still do, but I just don't seem to care so much if I have sex today or tomorrow. Whereas my husband seems to "need" it more often. I know it could be that I am in a more advanced relationship compared to just dating, but it is so different than how I used to be even just over a year ago. Have other women also experienced this? I know my husband adores me and would never expect me to have sex if I don't want to, but I feel like he is hurt by my lack of want/need for sex. And, just as an FYI, we got married recently, so it's not like being married has changed me. It changed just before we got engaged.
Any answers to my questions would be appreciated.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2011):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Mia, I appreciate it!
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reader, Miamine +, writes (12 November 2011):
Brilliant article Tish. It works for me.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2011):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHippyChick, it's nice to hear that you have had no problems in the sexual arena, I do hope you stay at your peak for the rest of your life! I certainly wasn't trying to insult you or women who were fortunate enough to be sexual naturals. I did experience changes in my own sex life from my 20s to my 40s and things continue to evolve in my (EARLY, ahem) 50s. I would appreciate other women commenting on this as well, so open question to the female aunts, did you see a change in your sexuality as you matured? (I don't want to use the word 'aged,' lol.)
Of course, this is all generalities, but if you've been around this place for a while, you'll see questions from men regarding anal sex, or swallowing or "why doesn't she initiate sex?" or "why doesn't she touch me?" or "is my penis big enough?" and those are the posters I was trying to talk to. I certainly do not think all men are sexual idiots nor do I think all women are sexual cripples. If you are purring along without any issues, then you don't need to worry!
I was prompted to do this collation when I saw a guy post again on why his wife refused anal sex after trying it a few times. I was going to answer when I realized I had answered this same type of question a number of times. I did some searches and found a sampling of some of my answers. I guess I just wanted a place where I could refer and not have to do a search.
I agree, there are no set rules, I agree, porn is a lousy method for sexual instruction, I agree, not all women are the same. But I think if you follow this thread (which, now that you've commented, you'll see all my follow ups, sorry ;) ) you may see many of the female aunts will find some personal resonance in the words I've written.
Abella, I agree we need to get Andrew ("DearCupid") to find a way to give us that option! Maybe put it in the suggestion box, lol!
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reader, Abella +, writes (12 November 2011):
 Hi Tisha
Yes, I do save a lot on my watched questions, I would even like to separate watched Articles from watched questions, but I also keep some names in my head for Aunts like you and AnonymousMale1 and others whose articles I keep wanting to recommend to others.
Regards
Abella
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reader, HippyChick +, writes (12 November 2011):
 I have to say that most of the men I have know, well in fact all but one, do not need to read this article at all, I think saying that is should be printed out and passed around to all men is frankly insulting to men, the same way if something had been said about women, women would be on here up in arms and rightly so. I think that most guys, want us to have a good time, they are not selfish lovers at all.Reading it, makes it sound that we don't really like sex, that we grow to like it, I can't be the only woman when she saw her first penis, loved how it looked, couldn't wait to get my hands on it, and instinctively knew what to do, and what I wanted, I didn't need to be warmed up, before I was ready.All women don't reach their prime at 40, I was there at 20 and I have to say I think I am still there, there are no magic numbers. There are no set rules, we don't all want this or that, every one is different, sex can't be learnt out of a book, on the Internet. or watching porn.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2011):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOlderthandirt, Abella, thanks for reading! OTD, your comment is exactly why I put this together. I think men and women spend a lot of time trying to apply their own particular logic to the opposite sex's thinking process, our filters are somewhat gender-specific, naturally, and I was trying to put things into words that guys could identify with.
Abella, I would like that favorites page too. Maybe we need to save these types of articles to our 'watched questions' page in the meantime?
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reader, Abella +, writes (12 November 2011):
Beautifully put together post. Pertinent advice for guys. I wish there was a "favorites" section in my Column for particular Articles written by Aunts and Uncles where I want to keep recommending the said article. This one would be on that list.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2011):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Cupid Boy, ah, that conversation would be in a primer on dating, this one article was designed to help men understand what might be going on in a woman's mind during sex. Of course it deals in generalizations, just as your answer dealt in generalizations. @SVC, enjoy your vacation!Thank you both for commenting!
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 November 2011):
 OMG on a vacation (holiday) right now so no time to read in full but from the skimming... LOVE IT!
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 November 2011):
 all good to know,,i just wish i'd known earlier in life
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reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (12 November 2011):
 An article like this necessarily deals in generalizations. Many more young women today would probably vomit if offered traditional romance, or would get very impatient with a guy who took things slow. Just as there are men who are naturally patient, understanding, and completely woman-centered in their lovemaking. they are called nice guys and are routinely looked down on and passed over for men way more aggressive and demanding. It amazes me how the most selfish men, who are out to satisfy only themselves, are the ones women seem to reward the most and put their own needs aside for.
btw, anal never seemed completely safe or sanitary to me. If you're right that tons of men now just expect it, that's a little disturbing.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2011):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, person12345! I appreciate the review. Add your insights and thoughts too, please.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (12 November 2011):
 Awesome post. This needs to be printed out and given to every adolescent boy and every adult male who is stuck at the age of 13 and just every heterosexual male in general.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2011):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, charliesdevil! I decided to compile some posts I've written into one bigger one, as I was planning to answer a post about sex today. It dawned on me that I had covered the topic before and went back to find it. So I put together a compilation of some of the questions and answers we see often here. I'm happy to hear you enjoyed it! Feel free to add any tips or insight as well.
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reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (12 November 2011):
Four words....I LOVE THIS POST. It sums up everything perfectly. I wish every man would read this. I know I am lucky and married a man that had to have read something similar to this, but from what I read on here, most men don't know most of this. Again, I LOVE THIS POST.
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