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... Send *uirkLady a private message | | | *uirkLady's profile:Honesty can be delivered brutally or kindly...I prefer the kind approach but I will be brutally honest at times. I don't believe in being mean just to be mean but I don't believe that sugarcoating life helps at all. I also believe that respecting yourself and others is the key to living a happy life.
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| Latest articles: Same-sex rape: a real and important issue
This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
20 June 2009: This story is my experiences as a same-sex rape victim. Female on female rape statistics are very hard to find. The overwhelming number of rapists are men, and so most rape and sexual assault information on the internet is geared to the victim of...
Let's Talk About The Problem With Nice Guys!
This question has 2 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
9 June 2009: "I was so nice to her but now she's going out with someone else!" "Women don't really want nice guys, they want assholes." "He never even noticed all the wonderful things I did for him!" If you've ever said any of these things, you might be a ...
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Would this be classified as rape or no?
Q. I basically wanna know if this classes as rape and if the guy still has an interest in me or not. Well about four months ago i went to meet a guy off the internet. He wasnt the first person id met off the internet and i always have an incling ...
A. 26 June 2009: I'm glad that you found my advice helpful. It was pretty surprising that you ran into a buzzsaw here; it is almost always a respectful place and I hope the responses don't run you off.
If you are still having problems dealing with the assault,... (read in full...)
I'm having flashbacks of all the bad things I've done in the past! How can I get over this and realize I'm actually a good person?
Q. I keep having flashbacks of bad and stupid things i've done in my life and i have constant anxiety about everything. These spells can last for days in extreme cases and can really depress me or they just niggle at the back of my mind. Sometimes i'll ...
A. 25 June 2009: I don't think the mistakes you listed make you a bad person at all. Everybody does stupid things...if I would list all the dumb things I've done we'd be here all night! LOL! But I do think that you are being very harsh on yourself. Plenty of ... (read in full...)
Would this be classified as rape or no?
Q. I basically wanna know if this classes as rape and if the guy still has an interest in me or not. Well about four months ago i went to meet a guy off the internet. He wasnt the first person id met off the internet and i always have an incling ...
A. 25 June 2009: 1. You're a nice person, his conversation was interesting, and you didn't want to hurt his feelings by running away although you weren't attracted to him.
2. You got drunk. It happens.
3. What happened to you is 100% NOT OKAY. It is in fact s... (read in full...)
Is his temper a behavioral problem? Sometimes I think it's my fault...
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for almost one year. He is my first boyfriend (I'm 21, he's a few years older). He has a bit of a temper and sometimes gets angry at little things. I am a very very sensitive and emotional person, and am not very good ...
A. 24 June 2009: Have you ever been to counseling? I think that might be beneficial to you. Conflict is an inevitable part of life and we all have to learn to manage it somehow. Right now it seems like he gets angry, you get defensive and you both end up walking ... (read in full...)
She's been seeing this other girl behind my back yet claims she loves me. Is she playing the both of us?
Q. I really don't know what to do about my girlfriend as was. she's been seeing this other girl behind my back for at least 2 months now and i've only just found out. i've confronted her and she admitted to it, she says she really likes this other ...
A. 24 June 2009: Dump her ASAP. She is feeding you lines to keep you around. If she was as in love with you as she says she is she wouldn't be cheating on you. Right now she is saying all these things so she can have you and the girl on the side.
She wants to... (read in full...)
How can I make amends? I tried to make love to her while she was asleep...
Q. My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other going on five months now, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me by far, we share a lot of the same interests, enjoy the same things, and really hit it off better than I ever thought ...
A. 24 June 2009: I can totally understand why she feels that way. You knew before she went to sleep that she wasn't feeling well, and started being intimate with her despite the fact that she wasn't awake enough to consent. That's very self-centered behavior. ... (read in full...)
He is sooooo controlling! Help!
Q. My boyfriend reformatted the computer so I lost all the pictures of the last two years of my children and very dear things to me. I tried to find other software I used and needed and nothing works. I need some private corner of my world to go to ...
A. 24 June 2009: *hug* I am so sorry that you're in this situation. You're right that your boyfriend is controlling and abusive, and now I think it's time to develop a plan to get you away.
Do you have any friends or family that you can stay with, or who can help... (read in full...)
Can anyone help me make sense of this behaviour?
Q. Hi, I'm hoping for some advice/support. I'm very upset about comments that my partner makes. I've been with him for 4.5 years and gave him loads of support when his ex wife was divorcing him. I live in a council house, have two mixed race c...
A. 24 June 2009: You have a lot going on for yourself (congrats on raising such a smart daughter :) ) and you deserve to be proud of yourself for being such a hard worker. Sounds like he is insecure & jealous and trying to belittle you to bring you down. I can see ... (read in full...)
When is it that friendship starts becoming destructive and harmful?
Q. I have a very complicated situation with a girl... I used to work with her, and we would talk all the time at work. After a few weeks, I was completely smitten with this girl... and it was around Christmas at the time, so I bought her a really e...
A. 24 June 2009: She really wants to be your friend and no more. Seems that you are nice to her, and she truly does value your friendship. But she was very clear that she doesn't want a relationship with you, and if you keep pushing you will get nowhere. If you ... (read in full...)
Do you think I need counseling? Or do I just need to let more things slide??
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for three years now. Living together for a little over two years. We recently broke up because he said his family thinks im not treating him right. Let me first say that I love this guy with all my heart and I go out of ...
A. 23 June 2009: Oops, I missed the culture clash aspect of it. Sorry about that.
Still, if you're not happy with this, then you have to sit down and seriously think about whether this is the relationship for you.... (read in full...)
Do you think I need counseling? Or do I just need to let more things slide??
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for three years now. Living together for a little over two years. We recently broke up because he said his family thinks im not treating him right. Let me first say that I love this guy with all my heart and I go out of ...
A. 23 June 2009: Sounds like you've been letting too many things slide already to be honest. I'm with you. I would have put my foot down with the family and the friend just like you did.
It seems like not only is his family overinvolved in his life, they and... (read in full...)
I need to know what's going on rather than wait in limbo.
Q. Hi There, I guess what I am about to ask you for advice on - most people already have.... BUT I seriously dont know what to do.... I met this guy 2 years ago...we get a long and when we first met each other we said would see 'how things go'.... t...
A. 23 June 2009: You've got to sit him down and talk about it. Right now it seems like a friends with benefits situation and he's comfortable with it at that level. Tell him that you have developed feelings for him and you'd like to step up what you have to a ... (read in full...)
Ghosts of past relationships are eroding our trust
Q. I have been dating my boyfriend for over the past year. I love him unconditionally and the moment we started dating, I have been nothing but faithful. Before I started dating him, I had a past - as all relationships do. I had had sex with one...
A. 23 June 2009: If he's freaking out about relationships that happened before you even MET HIM, that is his problem and his problem alone. He has to work on his own insecurity. The only thing you have to do is respect yourself and your relationship (meaning no ... (read in full...)
Ugly old man doesn't want to seriously commit to attractive younger woman
Q. I am a young woman who is currently dating an old man. He is 24 yrs older than me. He is not very attractive at all, most of my associates find him kind of old and creepy. I chose to be with him because I thought I would at least find real love. ...
A. 23 June 2009: He treats you like crap because you let him. You seem like you're settling for this because you want "real love" but real love isn't being with someone who makes you sad, cheats on you and treats you terribly. You don't sound like you love him. ... (read in full...)
He says he's lonely and that's why he looks for others
Q. I'd like some advice from guys and girls out there. My bf and I have been together 9 yrs, but split up 1 yr ago for 6 months out of the blue, and I found out he was 'seeing' a female work colleague, posting himself on adult dating sites and ...
A. 23 June 2009: Something is wrong here. People looking for new friends text and email others looking for friendship, not sex. Guys who send explicit messages and try to hook up for sex want sex, not friendship.
I don't think it's worth holding on to someone ... (read in full...)
Scared about meeting my guy's friends!
Q. So tomorrow I'll be meeting my boyfriends roomates for the first time. He lives with his best friend of 10 years and his fiance, so it's a little more important than just meeting his friends for the first time, more like family. I'm completely...
A. 23 June 2009: Don't worry too much. Your boyfriend likes you for the person you are and I'm sure his friends will be fine. Just relax and be yourself, nice and respectful, and everything will turn out OK.... (read in full...)
My grandpa molested me when I was 13!
Q. My grandpa molested me when I was 13. I stayed over at his house all summer because my parents were finishing building a house and moving into it. The abuse started by him tickling me one time after I was tickling my cousins. A minute or so later ...
A. 22 June 2009: *hug* I'm really sorry that he did that to you. That was cruel and wrong of him to do that. Are you close to your parents? If so, definitely talk to them...at the very least they should be able to get you into counseling for the abuse. I know it ... (read in full...)
Girl flirting with me but I can't bring myself to let anything happen
Q. ok so I recently posted on here. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-pain-from-my-past-has-numbed-me.html for those of you who suggested therapy unfortunately I cannot afford it. although I truly don't feel anything still I wait for time to pass. ...
A. 21 June 2009: I'm glad things are looking up in your life. A new place, a new job, a new love interest...the sun is still shining on you. You don't have to rush into anything; just take each day as it comes and enjoy being with the girl, no pressure. Maybe one ... (read in full...)
Why hasn't he dumped her?
Q. I really like this boy and he has a gf , but keeps telling me he loves me , and asking me to wait until this girl he's going out with dumps him until he can go out with me (which he thinks wont be that long) And ive just dumped my boyfriend for him ...
A. 21 June 2009: Don't even bother with him. If he can't find the nerve to dump his girlfriend he isn't worth dating. In fact, he was testing you to see how much you want him and what you will do for him, and now he knows you'll do just about anything he wants. ... (read in full...)
Why couldnt he have just told me he was not interested?
Q. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-wait-or-make-the-next-move.html i wrote this question back in feb after id met this amazin guy! i thought it went great. he text me after we'd met, he said he liked me, he asked me if we were meetin a...
A. 21 June 2009: I'm really sorry but he's just not that into you. Online chatting is fun but you don't really get to know a person until you meet them face to face. You two met and he didn't feel the spark. That doesn't mean it was right from him to stand you up ... (read in full...)
I'm sick of being known as 'the slag'! Three months and they still won't drop it!
Q. this is really beginning to upset me now, in march i had a small get together with friends, 8 of my friends came over from college and we got a take away, had alot of alcohol and we danced and sang, it was a great night! when it came to half 1, 2 o ...
A. 21 June 2009: *hug* I'm sorry that guy took advantage of you. Good men do not take advantage of sleeping drunk women. Don't be mad at yourself, you didn't do anything wrong at all, and it wasn't sad or pathetic for you to be upset. What he did was absolutely, ... (read in full...)
She thinks I'm a sex maniac for just 2 times a week!
Q. I am a 49 year old male married 8 years with one son 6 years old my wife is 36 years old my problem is before we got married we were having sex 4 and 5 time a week after our son was born the sex drop to 2 and 3 time a week, for the past 2 years it's ...
A. 21 June 2009: I think you two need to see a sex therapist. While I don't think wanting sex twice a week makes you an animal, I don't see the problem with masturbating either. You don't need to have an affair. It seems that you two have different ideas about ... (read in full...)
Is something wrong with me when he touches me?
Q. hello, this is quite a personal question but i really need 2 know. me an my boyfriends have been together for 6 months now an we're really happy. we're 18 and we r both still virgins and are planning to lose our virginities to each other soon. ...
A. 21 June 2009: There's nothing wrong with you dear. You just don't like the specific way he's fingering you. That's completely fine. Now is actually the time to experiment and figure out what you do and don't like. Everybody likes different kinds of ways to be ... (read in full...)
I feel lost even though I stood my ground
Q. Previously I've had a hard time moving on over the guy I lost my virginity to and I think I doing pretty well. I decided that I wanted him out of my life, and I erased him completely. Last night, he invited me to a party and I said no, and even ...
A. 21 June 2009: Congrats on moving on from the ex. It was very strong of you to do what you did, and you should feel proud of yourself. :)
I think the feeling you're having is that you're ready to jump in the dating pool again. You've healed quite a bit from... (read in full...)
He tells me he loves me but I don't FEEL loved by him! What can I do?
Q. Over the past almost 3 years I have had a relationship with a man who had just separated from his wife (now divorced over 1½ years). We had many, many ups and downs; 2 short term break-ups, several short term “take-a-breaks”, and a couple of his ...
A. 21 June 2009: I think that if you feel it stems from the history of your relationship, and not something he's doing right now, therapy might be your best bet. It seems that you are still carrying around a lot of hurt from the past, and that has damaged your ... (read in full...)
He seems to lie when he's been with his best friend!
Q. Hello all! So here is my question/problem: I am 19 years old and a sophmore in college. I have been with my boyfriend, who is 20, since 2006. We met in highschool when I was a sophomore and he was a junior. I love him with all my heart and he means ...
A. 20 June 2009: For the first question, what kind of lies do you mean? Are these "I didn't have more than 3 drinks"-type lies or are they serious whoppers? Now for the second question: You already made it past the 6 month mark and the 18 month mark so things ... (read in full...)
Took drugs and sleeping pills , was very abusive to her, not the first time, can I save this relationship?
Q. Hey, I'm wondering if you guys could help me out with something. I met this girl about a year ago. We started out as fwbs, but I decided I liked her more than that, like I thought I could fall in love with her, so we became a couple, but then she ...
A. 20 June 2009: Keep working with the psychiatrist. Working hard on yourself and your issues can only make it better for you in life. Also, you get out of therapy what you put in, so definitely give it an honest try. Perhaps you might want to print out this page ... (read in full...)
How can I get her to like him? How do I deal with being in a relationship which she doesn't approve of?
Q. I am 20 years old, just started going out with my bf who is 25. However, my mum doesnt really seem to approve. Its not because of the age gap though. I think its more to do with a few other things. My mum can be pretty judgemental and she assumes ...
A. 20 June 2009: I think this would be a good list for you to read.
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml
Not all abuse is physical....
... (read in full...)
He doesn't want to go away together now, should I just step back?
Q. Hello aunts I have been seeing someone I have known forever for the past 3 months. He and I get on fabulously well, have fun and the best loving times together - I am smitten. He split up with his ex a year ago after she cheated numerous times. ...
A. 20 June 2009: Did you ask a question previously? I think I answered a question for you before in which you said you had texted him with no reply. I want to be sure before I give my answer....... (read in full...)
He's married, we're cheating..I work for him..what a mess!
Q. Hi im in such a dilemma i really could do with some advice.I'm 26 and i have been having an affair with a married man for the last 9 months the worst part is i work with him part time. I'm his dental assistant, also all my family know him quite well ...
A. 20 June 2009: Here's a question for you:
Why would he leave her for you if you're OK with how it is now? He's got no incentive to make a change. As long as you stay with him and let him know it's fine to run back and forth things are going to stay the same... (read in full...)
He's married, we're cheating..I work for him..what a mess!
Q. Hi im in such a dilemma i really could do with some advice.I'm 26 and i have been having an affair with a married man for the last 9 months the worst part is i work with him part time. I'm his dental assistant, also all my family know him quite well ...
A. 19 June 2009: I seriously let out a Darth Vader NOOOOOO when I read this.
Keep looking for a new job. He is telling you by his actions that he is not going to leave his wife, and he's fine with disrespecting his relationship. You deserve better than a cheate... (read in full...)
Does my ex questioning me, mean he still likes me or what?
Q. okay so me and my ex talk, hes with my ex best friend! but i still love him. so about 15 minutes ago i called him becasue when he called i was in the shower. so his cousin was there and he told my ex to describe me and my ex said shes white and s...
A. 19 June 2009: He doesn't like you, he only likes the attention he gets from you. He's so disrespectful that he's making jokes about you to your face. He is also probably talking about you behind your back. Don't be okay with that. A guy who respects you won't ... (read in full...)
Took drugs and sleeping pills , was very abusive to her, not the first time, can I save this relationship?
Q. Hey, I'm wondering if you guys could help me out with something. I met this girl about a year ago. We started out as fwbs, but I decided I liked her more than that, like I thought I could fall in love with her, so we became a couple, but then she ...
A. 19 June 2009: You need to get yourself into therapy like yesterday. Don't even think about being friends with her because you are not suited to it. Punching her car windows and extorting her? You are lucky you're not in jail and that she didn't get a ... (read in full...)
I hate having sex. I would be happy if I wasn't touched at all!
Q. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and before that were together for 5 years. I hate having sex. Sex to me is painful, a waste of time, and unfulfilling. Basically the only reason I do it lately is to make my husband happy (and we don't ...
A. 19 June 2009: Try looking for a sex therapist in your area, and also consider a physical. It could be a low hormone level (which can be fixed by the Pill or other medication) or you could have some deeper underlying issues that are best addressed by a sex ... (read in full...)
I want to feel loved by my husband. How can we save our marriage?
Q. OK, I'm 31 years old, he is 39, and I been married since I was 18, we have two girls, 2 and 6 and for years our only issue was lack of sex,until we decided to make a schedule!! and I dont know how but it worked for a few years, we were happy with ...
A. 18 June 2009: Well he talks a good game at least. Take everything that he told you and write it down on a piece of paper, then hide that paper for three months. If you look at that paper three months from now and he hasn't fulfilled anything he told you, then ... (read in full...)
Suspicious of my girlfriend since she had a weekend away
Q. I don’t trust my girlfriend!? She secretive and gets all defensive if I ask her about things. It never used to be like this. She used to be so open, used to tell me everything, I didn’t need to ask anything. It all changed a few months ago...
A. 18 June 2009: Trust your gut. If your body is telling you something is wrong, it's usually accurate. From what you're saying there is definitely something shady going on. ... (read in full...)
I want to feel loved by my husband. How can we save our marriage?
Q. OK, I'm 31 years old, he is 39, and I been married since I was 18, we have two girls, 2 and 6 and for years our only issue was lack of sex,until we decided to make a schedule!! and I dont know how but it worked for a few years, we were happy with ...
A. 18 June 2009: I think marriage counseling would be a good idea at this point. He has already cheated on you twice, which is enough to kill the love and respect in the best of marriages. Sure, he's stressed, but everyone is stressed these days and it doesn't ... (read in full...)
He was trying to keep us a secret, people found out and now he won't contact me!
Q. Please help me... I have been seeing a guy I have known for years for the past 3 months. He has been out of his marriage for just under a year and they have 2 children. His ex cheated on him on numerous occasions and the love has gone. He asked me...
A. 18 June 2009: Looks like the trip has become a "get over him" vacation getaway. I'm sorry that this happened to you. However, I don't agree with secret relationships. It's always a bad sign when you have to be kept under wraps; it's often a sign that the ot... (read in full...)
Worried I've lost a good friendship and possible future relationship
Q. Hi, I need some help understanding what a lad I know is thinking about our friendship. We met by chance through a mistake on a networking sight and are both very similar with lots in common and both hurt in past relationships so it seemed fate had ...
A. 18 June 2009: Don't hang around waiting on anybody. He is showing you by his actions that he is not interested in you and is letting you down politely. Cut your losses and move on to some of those other men at the networking meetings. (Aren't they fun? LOL) ... (read in full...)
Taking birth control pills, but worried I'll still get pregnant if he doesn't wear a condom
Q. Okay so, my boyfriend is coming over tomorrow. He and I used to foreplay and sometimes have sex but it all stopped a few months ago when I got on birth control pills. I don't know why but I Just was never in the mood. The thing is, I've been ...
A. 18 June 2009: Very smart of you to be responsible about your birth control :)
I agree with Lily Rose, talk to your doctor about changing your birth control pill. Different pills have different effects, and another pill may bring your sex drive back. Also, he... (read in full...)
Am I wrong for wondering if she'll ever care about her appearance?
Q. This autumn will be 6 years married, 7 years in the same relationship and i will be 26. My girl is really good to me, but she is really overweight. I figured eventually she could lose weight, but there's never been any motivation. I've tried ...
A. 18 June 2009: I see a couple of red flags here:
1) not once did you mention you love her
2) you married her expecting her to change
3) you were not 100% committed to marrying her
Instead you pushed down your true feelings and married her anyway. In ... (read in full...)
I am so afraid of karma, but it just happened. How do I deal with this?
Q. I have put myself in a veryyy uncomfortable situation. Basically i have this ex with whom i went out with when i was 16 years old, we were in a relationship for a year, i am currently 19, and well ,between us ended for a very stupid reason, these ...
A. 18 June 2009: Everybody makes mistakes, OK? The important thing is that we learn from them. You learned that your ex boyfriend is the type of guy who doesn't respect his marriage. Now's the time to lick your wounds a bit and move on. I'm glad that you ... (read in full...)
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