A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm hoping for some advice/support. I'm very upset about comments that my partner makes. I've been with him for 4.5 years and gave him loads of support when his ex wife was divorcing him. I live in a council house, have two mixed race children from a previous relationship and he always makes rude comments about these things. I have worked hard, done a degree, got a better job etc and I look after the children well and they are both at college doing well. My eldest daughter is doing a masters degree at London University. The problem is he always puts me down, mostly masked as a 'joke'. I am about a size 16 and need to lose some weight I guess and he makes rude comments about my size. People mostly say I am attractive. I'm quite tall and I look after myself always smell nice and look after my hair and teeth etc but he moans about my weight. i was also left to pay off a big overdraft by my ex partner which I do. I pay £60 per month and it is reducing. I am a single parent for many years and only just went onto a better salary after going back to college etc .. My current BF does not live with me. Recently I got a provisional diagnosis of MS but so far I;'m still able to work and be fairly normal. My partner/BF has been making comments such as 'just my luck, not only do I land up with a woman who lives in a council house, has two kids, a debt but now she is ill as well'. He feels sorry for himself and thinks he has ended up with 'second best' as he puts it. He keeps saying he will leave me. His ex wife really hated him and was always seeing other men but she said he drove her to it.I get so upset because he paints this picture of me as a fat, debt ridden, loser who now, on top of all else, is unwell. It is very hurtful and the other night i sat in the bathroom and just cried for ages and ages. He masks it as a joke but does make serious comments about my weight and says he will never live with me in a size 16.Can anyone help me make sense of this behaviour? Is he insecure or just nasty and is it worth going for counselling. He can be loving loyal and generous two - it is almost like he is two people and I have no idea how to handle this.Thanks for your time in reading this.
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debt, ex-wife, his ex, insecure, my ex, puts me down, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 June 2009):
 I agree with all previous answers. Your coping well by yourself, your a good mother and a responsible person who's keeping the bills paid, you seriously don't need the grief he brings on you. We all want to have the security and love of a supporting partner. Loneliness is wretched, but it's better than being with someone who makes you doubt yourself so much and makes you cry.
He is just another obstacle for you to overcome on your life path. Give him the push and don't look back, the true person your meant to be with may be just around the next corner!!!
Love from Aunty Em xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): Sweetheart, you deserve much better than this! This man is trying to erode all of your self esteem so that you truly believe you can't ever do better than him and will stay with HIM! It is you who is living with second best.
Any person that puts people down in this way are truly unhappy with themselves and will blame it on anyone but themselves and therefore will continue to be this way. He does not believe there is anything wrong with him.
Please don't kid yourself that you can fix him, or help him to see the light. You are in love with the man he could be...not the man he is. This is a trap many women fall into. The best thing you can do is to find a man who loves you , exactly how you are. You are a very strong woman and have so much to offer in a relationship besides your 'looks'. GO! Find yourself someone who appreciates all your wonderful qualities and don't worry about him...he will find someone else to pick on.
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A
female
reader, babymama99  +, writes (24 June 2009):
 He is insecure AND nasty!! yep all of the above.Of course he's loving, loyal and generous if he wasn't he wouldn't have gotten you in the first place. but now he is showing his true colors.His ex-wife got rid of him for a reason, and now you know what that reason is; now it's your turn to get rid of him. You have excelled in your academics, raised children who are excelling, got a good job, is working on controlling your debt (which you had no hand in making), and you are a beautiful vivasious woman who is going places. What does he have? - He has a failed marriage and a failing relationship with you and he has a bad attitude.I hope everything continues well with the MS, this man will only make what you are going through harder and more painful.You do not need counselling, the only counsel you need is to cancel this relationship. Permanently.As the old saying goes; you can do bad by yourself, you don't need him to help you.
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A
female
reader, b7178 +, writes (24 June 2009):
ok well first of all you have been through a lot in your life. and although obstacles were thrown at you, you still made the best of it. so i think that you should just dump him. he is a loser and doesnt respect you. you have to do the right thing for you. i hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (24 June 2009):
 You have a lot going on for yourself (congrats on raising such a smart daughter :) ) and you deserve to be proud of yourself for being such a hard worker. Sounds like he is insecure & jealous and trying to belittle you to bring you down. I can see why he and his ex-wife didn't get along if he's showing this type of behavior.
A guy that honestly loves and respects you will not put you down. There are plenty of other guys out there who will appreciate a good lady like you. Tell him that if he doesn't change his tune, you will help him start looking for the woman he really wants...by dumping him.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Paula4u +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Ask him not to come back anymore, find yourself an affordable hobbie to take your mind of things, swimming walking cycling.. something cheap. You are doing a grand job all on your own why do you want a man like that around you?I think its a kind of power game, you feel bad and it makes him feel good and strong. You dont want anyone like that with you. I had a boyfriend like that once, he always made me out stupid, yet I have a degree, and went back to college at the age of 30, at the age of 55 , I passed my motorcycle test (got a car licence) I just want to learn new things and expand my horizons and it was a man just like you have that made me feel smaller than a speck of dust... You and I know we both are bigger than that..!
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (24 June 2009):
 he feeds off your self esteem. you been together 4.5 years but something in you tells you that he is not right for you to live with. his behaviour is that of a bully.
he sounds like a person who will behave in a way that over time will erode your self esteem. if he doesn't like you for who you are then why is he with you???
you can do better and you will as you are a person who makes an effort to improve yourself, so do
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