A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for over the past year. I love him unconditionally and the moment we started dating, I have been nothing but faithful.Before I started dating him, I had a past - as all relationships do. I had had sex with one of my friends (about three years ago), and I had hooked up with another one of them. Nonetheless, we were all in college, we remained friends, and I still talk to them occassionally.I never tried to hide anything from my boyfriend, but we never had a conversation about how many people we'd had sex with before or specifically who. I had alluded to the fact that I had dated my one friend (the one I had sex with), and I had mentioned multiple times that we'd gone out a few times. Recently, we were talking and he asked me about my past relationships. I was honest and told him absolutely everything. He is absolutely devastated to know that I have pasts with guys that I still know and talk to. I've tried to explain to him that with my group of friends, some of us got drunk and hooked up and still remained friends. It doesn't change the way I feel about him, and this all happened before I ever even knew them.If he wants me to not talk to them any more, I will, but he keeps telling me that I have lied to him and destroyed all trust.I wasn't intentionally lying. I thought it was best that the past remain the past. I never dug into his past, and just assumed he had one and that didn't affect our current relationship.I am at such a loss. I love him so much, and I don't know what to do about him not trusting me. How do I make this better?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): That last answer was kind of an asshole but his point is worth considering.
I don't think a new BF suddenly has the right to tell his GF who her friends are. But I am saying that this guy's reaction is also understandable.
It's his problem to deal with I guess. You can call it "insecurity" but it's no different from anyone who ever had any concerns about their BF/GF spending time around an ex. Different specifics, same principle.
And not every guy has a rowdy past of his own. MANY guys do not. By choice.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (24 June 2009):
 This is so double-standard, but unfortunately if you want to keep the peace you should sever the ties you have with your former boyfriends/lovers etc. I say it's a double-standard because most men (most, mind you) do not give us the same courtesy. They continue to be friends with their ex-wives and ex-girlfriends and we're just expected to accept that. Yet their egos cannot tolerate the same. Hmmm, interesing isn't it? But if you love him, I think it's a small sacrifice to make so his fragile ego can recover. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): You women still do not get it. Men have to compete, women choose. He does not want the constant reminder around him. His boudaries and your past have collided. You, as the person that has choosen, have to diced what is more important, this relationship or your being friends witha PAST partner.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (23 June 2009):
 If he's freaking out about relationships that happened before you even MET HIM, that is his problem and his problem alone. He has to work on his own insecurity. The only thing you have to do is respect yourself and your relationship (meaning no funny business with other men) and he'll have to deal with it. Don't stop talking to anyone simply because he's insecure. That's the first sign of a controlling and jealous boyfriend, and if you give in to this, he'll start controlling you more and more until you have no freedom left.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 June 2009):
 I think you should honestly talk to him. Tell him what you wrote here. That the past is the past and the ex is the ex and for the exact reason that is was just a hook up not a relationship like you have with him.
What did he expect? That you stopped talking to all your ex's ? Not all break up end in drama and hate, some people actually remain friends afterwards.
Another thing I think you need to tell him is about your own personal values and morals. What you expect from him and what you give back in return, such as being faithful, honest and committed.
I can understand that he felt blindsided, but really unless you two traded "little black books" why is your past something he feels he needs to know in details? It's our past. I don't think you should beat yourself up on this, you didn't lie. You just didn't share every little detail about your past.
Would it have made a difference if he had known who, when and why you had slept with whom? I think your BF is a little bit of a drama queen.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (23 June 2009):
 your boyfriend sounds like he has some issues, you didnt lie to him, you didnt cheat on him, so he needs to leave the past where it is.
if you love him so much you need to explain to him that he's the one you want and how your ex's meant nothing, and that it was the past.
after the initial shock wears off im sure he'll calm down.
trust is the basis of any relationship so hopefully he will come round.
dont lose hope! just msg him, reassure him, boost his confidence, that way he will calm down.
good luck!
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