A
female
age
41-50,
*etty
writes:Hi im in such a dilemma i really could do with some advice.I'm 26 and i have been having an affair with a married man for the last 9 months the worst part is i work with him part time. I'm his dental assistant, also all my family know him quite well as he treats them and well they have a very good bond. I first meet him when i was training as a dental nurse in 1999 he had been married a year when we first met. Instantly i knew we had a special connection but i was in a relationship and he was married so that was a no no!I left after 4yrs as i had my 2nd child and we didn't keep in touch that much, all tho i knew we had this connection i never let him know that i liked him neither did he to me.He eventually changed practises and me family followed him for there dental treatment, i went the odd time. My relationship with my partner ended last march. In August i had a check up and his nurse mentioned he was also on this social network like myself and we should be friends to stop him annoying them lol so me and my sister added him as a friend. It got to the point that every night we were chatting and sending messages i asked him if he had any kids yet and if he was still married but i never got an answer, he avoided it so much by this time we were chatting on msn from 10 till 2am every night which gave me the impression that he was single, i just thought he might be going threw a divorce and it was too difficult to talk about it. I was wrong. I told him how i felt and that i had always felt so highly of him and i was gob smacked he felt the same but there was the little matter of him avoiding the wife question so in the end i sent him a message saying unless you stop avoiding it i no longer want you to message me, he replied 4 hours later.....im sorry im married i thought you knew, i was crushed and told him to leave me alone and that i honestly hoped he wasn't that was in September. He came around to me house crying telling me that he lost me once and he's not losing me again and we will be together we shared our first kiss then September the 15th.As time went on i feel more and more in love he is so sweet so sensitive and well like no other man i have ever meet, i ended up getting a job where he worked it was what he wanted and to be honest i loved it when we used to work together yrs ago and the pay was brilliant. I told him not to leave his wife before Christmas and to do it in the new year loads of couples split in the new year. He promised he would be mine before valentines day but that never happened then he promised me before my birthday and that was in march and as you guessed he didn't i know he is a very caring man, so funny, not the best looking but his personality is amazing and i do truly believe he wants to be with me, he has asked would i marry him and he would love me to be the mother of his children and wants to adopt my children. He hasn't any children and i do wonder if his wife unable to have children? i think he is a coward and doesn't want to hurt her. I cant carry on having an affair but every time i end it i go back on my word its so hard because i love him and i work with him, i live 5 minutes away from work and i just feel trapped what should i do? I'm a single mum with lots of money stress i cant afford to leave my job, i have wrote my letter of resignation but just cant do it i have too many responsibilities to my kids and my house, dont get me wrong i have looked for other jobs but there are none going what should i do im so low
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affair, christmas, crush, divorce, I work with, married man, money, msn, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): hetty, i think you have come to the wrong website. this is not one where we give advise on how to grab your married man and keep him. maybe you should try another one that specialises in affairs. i think you have had such a total disrespect for the good people that took the time to reply to your "situation"
A
female
reader, Hetty +, writes (20 June 2009):
Hetty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANKS again
i was hoping for a more positive reply maybe from someone who has been threw this before? Any ideas how i could make this work????
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): You're a dental assistant. You can get another job in a heartbeat.
He's stringing you along.
Find another job, quit your present employment and never again speak with this dentist.
Be demanding! Why are you settling for second place with a loser when you can be first place with a mate that will love you 100%?
OR
Set your life on cruise and repeat scenario in question for the next decade until he finds another pretty young thing. Whichever way, his morals don't vouch for a committed relationship with you at all!
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (20 June 2009):
 Here's a question for you:
Why would he leave her for you if you're OK with how it is now? He's got no incentive to make a change. As long as you stay with him and let him know it's fine to run back and forth things are going to stay the same. Leave him and make your own life...THAT is being strong. Strength is doing the right thing even though it hurts, and I know it does hurt you to be apart from him. I truly get that.
You do have the strength to do it. You are already raising children on your own and you have to be strong for that. Raising kids is hard work! Not everybody can do it. So we can both agree that you have a lot of inner strength already.
All those sweet words without action are just empty air. A real treasure is someone you would do anything for, ANYTHING. You are too precious and strong to be someone's girl on the side. You deserve all of a man, not half, not some time stolen away from the wife he vowed to love until death. It will be hard but I know that you can do it.
Tell him you can't stand to be in the background anymore and not to come back until he does leave her. Then stay strong. If he doesn't leave his wife that is a sign that he values her over you.
Good luck. Please keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (20 June 2009):
Well honey you have got yourself in quite a pickle havent you i think you know what you need to do but like you said it is hard especially when a man is telling you all the right things about your future and kids. Have you stopped to think if he is doing this to her what will he be doing to you after he gets tired of you and your kids look lady you need to wake up maybe you would want to consider telling his wife and forcing him to make a choice but i have a feeling if he does leave his wife then he will continue to go back and forth because he has some feelings for her even if he may not be in love with her or he would have left her by now you need to think of your kids i wouldnt quit my job i would just stop dealing with him and move to a new address stop making excuses for him he maybe a nice guy but what he is doing just isnt fair to anyone in this situation i dont buy it that you thought he was already divorced you knew what you were doing but your feelings for him out weighed your judgement and now you are stuck being the other women i hope it works out for you or you might as well settle into being the other women for awhile but some how i think you can put up with that you have this long good luck babe you will need it....
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A
female
reader, Hetty +, writes (19 June 2009):
Hetty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to read this Quirklady
i know i know i know.......BUT (there is always a but) i keep on thinking if i hold on if i erm start being more strong tell him i aint going to stand for this any longer he might just might leave her. He sent me this message the other day.....All over ther was treasure after treasure, i've never seen such sites , the ancient Egyptians would have been in awe of you, even Cleopatra would look dull next to you. I dont think i have the strength to walk away from him
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (19 June 2009):
I seriously let out a Darth Vader NOOOOOO when I read this.
Keep looking for a new job. He is telling you by his actions that he is not going to leave his wife, and he's fine with disrespecting his relationship. You deserve better than a cheater! Have you ever heard the phrase "if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you?" It's true!
I know it will be hard to end it but you have to do it. This relationship isn't good for you. You're miserable and stressed. You are right that he is a coward; if he can't stand up to his wife, what is he going to do when he has to stand up for you? I think you already know the answer.
Good luck.
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