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| | *o_Very_Confused's profile:I've got the life experience to be wise for others, not so wise for myself. A degree in psych doesn't hurt either. So when I respond to people while I may just give advice, I'm more inclined to ask you questions that make you think and make you HURT and figure out what to do....
Choices I make are made on years of experience and may not be the best choices for YOU but what I do and what I advise may be two different things. Like I've said I KNOW what's the BEST thing to do and do not always choose to do what's BEST for me.
My primary interests include age gap relationships where the woman is older than the man... I am 13 years older than my future husband... I am also currently very interested in 12 step programs and addiction and recovery
and Long distance relationships...
I also understand alternative lifestyles as I was a "swinger" in my last marriage and I am a bisexual woman although currently I am just with my one male partner by choice...
NEVER STAY WHERE YOU ARE UNHAPPY NO MATTER WHAT. DO not make the same mistakes I made.
Rules:
IF YOU HAVE AN UNEASY FEELING IT'S FOR A GOOD REASON.. listen to that little voice
NEVER EVER trust a liar. IF they lied once, they could lie again. IF you dont' trust them there's a reason for it. LISTEN to it.
IF you have to ASK if you should leave... just do it.
We don't know WHY someone did something... only why WE would do it... so you have to ASK THEM.
IF you are afraid to ASK your PARTNER anything.. it's not a good relationship and you should probably end it.
IF he only calls when he's horny at 2 am you are a booty call nothing more....
Old cliches:
Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place
Do as I say not as I do |
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| Latest articles: How to get many answers to your question.
This question has 7 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
25 November 2012: So many times folks submit good questions but, get few answers. It's very frustrating to have an important topic you need advice on and not be able to get it. While talking with friends is easy to get to what you need, asking in written form can...
Am I Co-Dependent?
No replies yet... 24 October 2012: So often folks will ask "am I co-dependent" or will label someone "co-dependent" There was a period of time that it was the "popular" diagnosis of mental health disorders. I often wondered if I myself was co-dependent. I read many books ...
Is my Long Distance Relationship worth it?
This question has 2 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
6 December 2011: Being in a relationship where you have regular face to face contact is difficult enough. Being in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) is more difficult. Local Relationships (LRs) require a few things; Honesty, Trust, Commitment, and ...
How you can tell someone loves you
This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
23 November 2011: So many times we see folks here saying "I know he loves me he tells me he does all the time" “But” I want to scream, “but how does he SHOW you he loves you” because I learned that WORDS without ACTIONS are meaningless. A partner that says “I lo...
Who is a Natural flirt? And what qualities signify a Natural Flirt?
This question has 24 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
30 September 2011: Today as I was leaving work and walking to my car, I passed, going in the opposite direction a co-worker who I *barely* know who was walking with another man. He is a tall, attractive man with an engaging smile and bright eyes. He's 10-15-maybe 20 ...
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My husband has gotten verbally abusive again - how do I help him stop?
Q. My husband has gotten verbally abusive again, even though things were getting better on that front for years. How do I help him to stop? (not so )Short intro: We've been together for almost 20 years. At the beginning things were OK. But as we finis...
A. 28 April 2015: I hear you. And I felt the same way but Al-anon taught me that to detach with anger would leave ME angry and hurting and to detach with love was best FOR ME.
the fact that it impacts positively ON HIM is a bonus.... (read in full...)
My husband has gotten verbally abusive again - how do I help him stop?
Q. My husband has gotten verbally abusive again, even though things were getting better on that front for years. How do I help him to stop? (not so )Short intro: We've been together for almost 20 years. At the beginning things were OK. But as we finis...
A. 27 April 2015: My husband is in recovery from alcohol since January 5th. He still behaves badly but we have learned a lot of good coping techniques.
One is "detach with love" this means I do not hold a grudge or a resentment or anger.
WHEN he calls... (read in full...)
My question is should I have unprotected sex with this guy?
Q. My boyfriend has restricted me on his facebook account so I can only see his public page he says he no longer is interested in facebook and does not use it very much -which is a lie because when I go onto facebook on my account I can click on his ...
A. 24 April 2015: Is your question really "is he having sex with others and can I catch something"
the answer is Yes... he's probably cheating on you and I would NOT have unprotected sex with him and I would take yourself to the gyn and have a full STD panel if... (read in full...)
Should I report my sister to Social Services?
Q. Hi guys I just wanted some advice on a problem I am having. I I have a sister who is 29 years old and she has two small children. However she has started to drink alcohol around her children, to the point where she gets blind drunk, this has been...
A. 24 April 2015: you can report it anonymously. Children first.
IF your sister can get clean and sober she will thank you for caring for her children when she was unable to.
Your sister has a disease. Addiction is a neurobiochemical disease... (read in full...)
Do open relationships work?
Q. Do open relationships work? I'm not asking because I want to have one or anything but a very good friend of mine says that it keeps her and her husband happy while he works away. He had an affair a few years back and she decided that to stay tog...
A. 24 April 2015: my last marriage was open. he was fine with it as long as I didn't have a boy on the side. once i got my own playtoy he left. He only wanted to be open to stroke his low self-esteem.
I know off the top of my head three couples that are ope... (read in full...)
When I graduate I will most likely have to live with my troubled parents. What am I supposed to do?
Q. My parents have been drug addicts for the majority of my life. They were also both verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, and have tried to manipulate me beyond belief. Over the years I've accepted that my parents are the way they are, and...
A. 23 April 2015: oh what a hard situation for you.
I am going to address that you are the child of addicts and strongly urge you to find Al-anon/Al-ateen in your area and attend meetings. There you will find coping skills and support for being the child of... (read in full...)
What is the meaning of different ways people greet each in a bowling environment. Is it just for fun or a form of flirting?
Q. What does it mean in a bowling league environment where everyone else is doing high fives (strikes or difficult spares picked up), or fist bumps (spares not made), that most of the times my partner (who started out as a sub and I don't know real ...
A. 23 April 2015: for me flirting is having fun. they are not separate things.
are you thinking the person is interested in more than a casual bowing relationship or are you interested in her that way?
when folks ask if someone is flirting I often think t... (read in full...)
He used to go around with girls who did not meet much to him, so could he love me?
Q. I have a buddy who is a guy. We have been friends for almost 10 years and we kept in touch through social media n chatting apps as I moved away for higher studies. Recently, he confessed that from the time we met, he liked me but could not muster ...
A. 23 April 2015: does he love you? NO.
could he be saying he wanted to date you but was shy and afraid you would say no.. yes.
you have moved away... you keep in touch on the computer...
what do you think you want to happen here?... (read in full...)
My boyfriend likes to bite and doesn't seem to realize that I don't like it!
Q. I have been dating this guy for a few months and the chemistry is great. We're both really attracted to each other, have a great time spending time together and make each other laugh. These are all fantastic things that I'm happy to finally find in ...
A. 23 April 2015: OH if he was like me and he bit in the throes of passion that would be one thing (I bit my husband ONCE and his reaction was enough to make sure I never bit him again) I am not a biter by nature but he had me so riled up I just did it. arrgh..
... (read in full...)
Can I expect a therapist to maintain privacy?
Q. My wife and I need counseling in a very bad way. I feel like all communication has broken down except for when we say things in an extreme way (loud fighting) and in that case it is not clear anyone is listening or even that what we say is the trut...
A. 23 April 2015: IF a therapist says they will keep a confidentiality then they have to do so.
I think that the show that was talked about was just that a show to get ratings and make money. That is not how it's normally handled.
... (read in full...)
He is focussed on the negative to justify his position.
Q. Should I stay in touch with my ex-boyfriend of 16 years who says wants to be my friend and still help me out? I wanted to stay in the relationship and work on it. I told him how prior to a month and a half before he dumped me that I had been ...
A. 22 April 2015: Should I stay in touch with an ex boyfriend is the question...
my answer based on your detail is NO
I would so go NO CONTACT with this guy and get on with your life.
you are investing a lot of psychic energy on a guy that wants what ... (read in full...)
Should I confront her to stop her over the top behaviour toward my boyfriend?
Q. My boyfriend for the last year has a female friend who has always made me feel uncomfortable when she is around him, he loves all the attention, he always has loved female attention and it's something I have got my head around but this particular ...
A. 22 April 2015: Advice?
Your "argument" is not with her but rather with your boyfriend.
You "confront" HIM about HIS bad behavior here.
Here is the thing... so far you have "allowed" this.
Now if you want it to stop it's going to be possibly very p... (read in full...)
Receives phone calls from alleged strangers. Secretive with phone. Would it be OK to ask her to change her phone number?
Q. A few facts; I am in a same sex relationship I’m 26 and she’s 28 We have been together a year and a half I am her first ever same sex relationship. So my partner's phone is always on quiet, not even vibrate, just silent. When she wakes up ...
A. 22 April 2015: Why do you think changing her number would help the situation?
Will it prevent her from being secretive? NO
Will it stop her lying? NO
I would go ahead and ask her to do it. And see what she says... cause all she has to do is p... (read in full...)
My boyfriend wants to spend all of his time going out with his friends!
Q. Hey guys! I really need your advice about my relationship. I am 20 and my bf is 21. Me and my boyfriend have been together for around 1,5 years. Some of this time we were in a distance relationship. I felt that he was perfectly in love with me, we...
A. 22 April 2015: "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true." - Spock"
This is so very true.
LDRS tend NOT to last forever... because what works long distance may not wor... (read in full...)
What does a nurse feel when she sees a penis - how should boyfriend react
Q. My girlfriend is a nurse practioner student and I’m struggling to get used to a few things. When she exam on the teaching patient and told me about how she palpated the penis it was a bit awkward. Just recently, during her clinicals (sort of ...
A. 22 April 2015: She was excited over a new procedure not a new penis.
If she delivered a baby for the first time it would be a similar reaction.
It's HER JOB....... (read in full...)
I think my partner's mother is out of order on this issue!
Q. How do I explain it in a short way... I'm 25. I am in a same sex relationship with my partner who is 4 years my senior. We've been together just over a year. She has a 4 year old child with her ex, who they have been split for 3 years because he'd ...
A. 22 April 2015: When my first husband and I split up my parents had a very close relationship with my ex. It was not for him they can't stand him, but it was for the children.
IF the mom and siblings alienate the dad who has this child a lot, then they wi... (read in full...)
Can I expect a therapist to maintain privacy?
Q. My wife and I need counseling in a very bad way. I feel like all communication has broken down except for when we say things in an extreme way (loud fighting) and in that case it is not clear anyone is listening or even that what we say is the trut...
A. 22 April 2015: I think that if you want counseling to work on your own issues that you should have your own counselor and then a couples counselor as well.
But if the issues you want to talk about relate to the marriage at all then to keep them secret defea... (read in full...)
I just want to live with him but he keeps making excuses. Do you think it will happen any time soon?
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for over four years and yet we still haven’t moved forward in our relationship. We both live at home, me with my mum and him with his dad. I work full time and he is in university. We’ve been together since we were 16...
A. 22 April 2015: If he does not want to live with you he will come up with any and all excuses. And you have to respect that.
What you need to do if you want this is make him want it too.
What that means is saying "I'm sorry BF I can't come see you this wee... (read in full...)
Whose surname should our baby take?
Q. Hi I was wondering what peoples oppinions were on surname for children. My first child has my surname as he's dad doesn't bother with him anyway, am pregnant with my second only been with the dad about 8 months we are not married who's surname ...
A. 22 April 2015: I would give the baby YOUR last name.
IF you get married to him later on, a change of name is not a big deal. But if you are going to do that, then I suggest he be prepared to adopt your older child so all the names are the same.... (read in full...)
Why should I have to accept gay people, just because others do?
Q. I no we're meant to accept gays but I cant help but think its wrong and I don't hate it but I find it wrong I'm 13 by the way. I don't get why gays should be taught about in schools because why should I have to accept just cos others do? I do...
A. 21 April 2015: You do not need to accept it internally. You do not need to believe anything or feel anything you don't want to believe or feel.
That's fine.
Sadly you have to have cognitive dissonance with this issue and while you do not belie... (read in full...)
He cheated. We broke up. What steps do we take to get back together?
Q. What steps should my (ex) boyfriend and I take to get back together? Last year I was in a great relationship, we had plans for the future, we had an amazing sex life and we adored each other. Or so I thought. My fella cheated was accused of cheat...
A. 21 April 2015: Why was the woman he cheated with telling you the "lies" what did she benefit from by telling you things?
So you would be OK with emotional cheating but not physical cheating? Cause even if he did not have sex with her, he had an emotional... (read in full...)
Why has this girl I have suspicions about suddenly gone MIA from my BF's classes?
Q. Why has this girl suddenly disappeared from my BF's martial arts classes? I accused my BF of flinging with this girl. He denied it and still does. He is a martial arts instructor. We are both in his class. I told him I don't like her, have my eye...
A. 20 April 2015: so because she was not home she HAD to be with your boyfriend?? that's the only option?
she has no friends or family out of town?
her car was not in the shop???
you are making a lot of assumptions---... (read in full...)
Doing things we shouldn't do, and I feel bad about that. He's been prosecuted and I suffered domestic violence. Will people ever learn to trust us again?.
Q. Modnote: DearCupid does not condone the use of illicit drugs. But you clearly feel bad about using illicit drugs and have promised to stop. Seems that you really do need some advice, despite your past use of illicit substances, when feeling under ...
A. 20 April 2015: I think you need either Alcoholics Antonymous or NA if your drug use is an issue.
My husband is an alcoholic. He is sober since January 5th of this year. I go to Al-anon meetings which are for me and help me. Most folks who need AA also nee... (read in full...)
Why has this girl I have suspicions about suddenly gone MIA from my BF's classes?
Q. Why has this girl suddenly disappeared from my BF's martial arts classes? I accused my BF of flinging with this girl. He denied it and still does. He is a martial arts instructor. We are both in his class. I told him I don't like her, have my eye...
A. 20 April 2015: I really do think it's all in your head
and please don't say "we women" like it's ALL women.
I have no jealousy when other women find my husband attractive... it's a compliment to me and my taste.
Jealousy is an emotion rooted in insecur... (read in full...)
My busy body downstairs neighbour thinks she rules the block!
Q. Please could somebody help with with this issue... My neighbour downstairs is a busy body(i live in a block of flats, i'm top floor) she thinks she rules the block and orders everybody around. She cornered me as soon as I moved in with a set of ru...
A. 20 April 2015: Personally if it was me I'd get up every hour all night long and go get a drink and go potty. Then I'd jump up and down on the bed for about 6 minutes while moaning.
when I see her I'd smile and say 'good morning how are you today" and ... (read in full...)
20 year age gap. I like his mind. Shoud I pursue this relationship?
Q. Hi Agony people, I'm in my mid twenties and have feelings for an older man. I dont find him beautiful or a sex bomb. I love the way he thinks and uses his mind. He is similar to me in this way. His career or lifestyle doesnt factor into...
A. 20 April 2015: IF you are single and he is single then both of you are consenting adults and I see no issue with it.
Just because you get on and he makes time to have conversation with you does not mean that he wants a romantic relationship.
... (read in full...)
How can I tell my abusive partner I'm leaving when I am pregnant
Q. My partner is a monster with drink in him. I am not saying he is an alcoholic, as everytime i bring up the subject with him he says im not an alcoholic, so and so drinks more than me. But im not SAYING he is an alcoholic, what I am saying is ...
A. 20 April 2015: I am a new member of Al-anon. It has saved my life.
I strongly urge you to contact Al-anon http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
which is a great program for friends and families of alcoholics.
If he's NASTY when he drinks (and even i... (read in full...)
Do married men who cheat usually have multiple mistresses or stay with just one?
Q. Do married men who cheat have more than one mistress or do they stick with one for a long time if she is willing to stay with him? Would it not be too complicated to have multiple women when he already has a wife AND a mistress? Just having a wi...
A. 20 April 2015: I can only say what i know. Some will some won't. My aunt was a mistress for 25 years and when he died she mourned all alone and his wife was the widow with all the support.
Will a man who lies and cheats on one woman lie and cheat on ano... (read in full...)
My boyfriend never says he loves me or shows me any affection
Q. Hi I've been with my boyfriend 2 years we have a baby boy together my problem is he never shows me any affection or tells me he loves me he has only ever told me once when I was in labour with our son I have mentioned this to him and he says he is ...
A. 17 April 2015: OH good point I love that movie Sage....
btw in our house the phase "damn you to hell" means I love you....
because I did not want to love my husband. and when I realized I had fallen in love with him I said "damn you to hell" ... (read in full...)
My husband is as cold as ice between the sheets, but I love him and want us to be happy. Was I naive?
Q. Hello all, I'll get right to it. I am married and my husband is cold as ice between the sheets. I've tried some different things to spice it up, but to no avail. He says he's just not the romantic type, but we barely have sex anymore. It's ju...
A. 17 April 2015: I'm married a short time but I am older. I have a much MUCH higher sex drive than my husband at this point. IF I was 20 years younger I am not sure I would stay with him in a sexless marriage.
Even at this point in my life I have told him... (read in full...)
Would you stay with someone if you knew their health was going to deteriorate drastically over the next few years
Q. Would you stay with someone if you knew they're health was going to deteriorate drastically over the next few years to the point of posdible handicap! We've been together for two years and always up front about it but now that we're staring at this ...
A. 17 April 2015: I'm older than you. I got engaged February 29, 2012. About two weeks later I was diagnosed with early onset degenerative disc disease. Basically my spine is collapsing on itself and I will require care for this for the rest of my life. As it ... (read in full...)
Why is he saying what a crazy needy possessive bitch I am, who won't leave him alone and is constantly telling him what to do?
Q. My boyfriend of 3 years is very busy. He has several jobs and, to be honest, has what I think are OCD-like tendencies. So, when he does have some rare time at home he spends it doing things like cutting holes in the walls to hide the wires BEHIND ...
A. 17 April 2015: You ask WHY... well we an only guess as to WHY he mistreats you.
1. you are a place holder for him and he's not really interested in any more with you than what you currently have. IF you left he would not really miss YOU but rather what you prov... (read in full...)
I just want to go to the party and make him wish he hadn't done what he had done, am I being stupid?
Q. I'm going to a party on Sunday night and my ex boyfriend is going to be there. He cheated on me a couple of weeks ago and stupidly I want him back. He hasn't called or text since we split up and I just want to go to the party and make him wish he ...
A. 17 April 2015: Yes you are being stupid.
He's made it clear he's a liar, he's a cheater. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.
To be honest in my opinion it's just too soon for you to be at a party with him, and handle it well since you... (read in full...)
I need my fiance to grow up because I have to tell him I'm pregnant!
Q. My fiancee keeps changing his mind about what he wants, and whether he wants our wedding to go ahead, and now I'm pregnant I'm scared he will say he isn't sure if he wants a family. I'm just so confused by his behaviour and I need some advice on how ...
A. 17 April 2015: Well the thing is you are having this baby whether he bolts or not. And he will have to be responsible for his child whether he marries you or not.
THAT is not changing.
So no matter what you do there is a baby coming either you will b... (read in full...)
She overstepped the bounds today! How do I deal with her if she comes up to me again?
Q. Well this is not really a romantic relationship question but it has to dowith a co worker who I felt overstepped today. I've a lazy eye that occassionally will act up if I'm stressed or tired. Anyway this co worker came up to me and asked me if I ...
A. 17 April 2015: I have a lazy eye. I was born totally cross-eyed and since I am a bit older than you I had some interesting media back then to make me feel better
I associated myself with Sally Brown and Clarence the cross eyed lion
http://en.wik... (read in full...)
I'm a freshman, he's a senior, I'm pregnant! How' do I tell him?
Q. I'm a freshman in college, and about a month ago I met this guy who's a senior. We hit it off instantly, and after about two weeks of messaging and occasionally hanging out, I went to his room one night and we ended up hooking up. I was a virgin ...
A. 16 April 2015: I second getting a professional opinion on the pregnancy.
BTW if he put even the TIP In then you are NOT a virgin.
BTW being late by one day is not a good indication of pregnancy but rather stress which can make you late.
And depen... (read in full...)
I think my friend is using me because I have money
Q. My best friends name is Beth and for awhile now she keeps on asking for stuff and money, and she called me fat and ugly and she just acted like she did nothing, she told someone that she thought I was Turing into a bitch, and she slapped me in the ...
A. 16 April 2015: Beth HIT you... Beth bad mouths you. Beth called you names?
Beth is not any sort of friend much less your best friend.
You stop worrying about Beth and you stop taking her calls or spending time with her she is not worthy of your time or frie... (read in full...)
My boyfriend never says he loves me or shows me any affection
Q. Hi I've been with my boyfriend 2 years we have a baby boy together my problem is he never shows me any affection or tells me he loves me he has only ever told me once when I was in labour with our son I have mentioned this to him and he says he is ...
A. 16 April 2015: IF the ONLY problem is that he never says "i love you" then it's YOUR problem. does he SHOW you he loves you (not with sex)?
Get a copy of the book "The five languages of Love" (they have a good quiz on the website too) and figure out h... (read in full...)
Can and girl ask a guy out? And how does it impact on the relationship if the girl earns more than the guy?
Q. Straight to the point! should a lady ask a man out? Whats your opinion on the impact on a relationship if a man earns less than the lady? ...
A. 16 April 2015: fWIW I went after my husband. I actually had to say to him "do I have to hit you over the head with a brick" to make him aware that I was interested in him.
As for earnings.. I make nearly 45% MORE than my husband and we function jus... (read in full...)
Why is my sister obsessed with facebook?
Q. I know things could be a lot worse but my 'problem' is that my sister is constantly on Facebook. And it irks me. I don't why. She posts pictures and updates about once an hour. She is 35 years old and has three kids (2 step kids) and is pregnant for ...
A. 16 April 2015: Facebook was the arena of college students at first... then us old folks figured it out and took over.
I have one friend that posts women's history every day. I post a lot of stuff concerning my recovery and my husband's recovery.
My 28 y... (read in full...)
Does porn viewing encourage men to treat women with disrespect?
Q. Does porn viewing encourage men to treat women with disrespect. At times I notice my partner becomes somewhat disrespectful and dismissive of me. At times it almost seems like a little contemptuous . Without fail , everytime I have noticed this , I...
A. 15 April 2015: How to deal with it.... since you notice a correlation and your follow up said "any ideas on how to deal with it?"
I can only tell you what I do when my husband is "misbehaving" being disrespectful etc.
I do NOT engage him. I say to him ... (read in full...)
My wife wants children and I don't she knew this when we married. Am I selfish?
Q. My Wife thinks I'm selfish because I don't want to have children, whereas she is desperate. I'm 29 and she is 30, we've been together 5 years, married just under 1 year. To be honest I don't like kids, I've never understood the appeal of children. ...
A. 15 April 2015: No you are not being selfish. You told her NO children, she married you anyway. she is the one being selfish by demanding you change your mind.
OTOH, IF she knew you didn't want children and you knew she did why did you two get married? D... (read in full...)
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