A
female
age
51-59,
*anelliliz
writes:Should I stay in touch with my ex-boyfriend of 16 years who says wants to be my friend and still help me out? I wanted to stay in the relationship and work on it. I told him how prior to a month and a half before he dumped me that I had been reading on how to understand men. He however does not want to be with me. Initially, he told me I need to figure out how to move forward with my life. We have now been apart for a month. I told him tonight I didn't think I could do the friend thing as it stresses me out talking and seeing him and there being nothing more. It is so hard. He said he loves me and that maybe we need to start again as friends and that I am digging my heels in not wanting him to help me. Now tonight he says I should have told him to take the time he needs, but I don't know how I was to know there was any hope or that he thought in the future we might reconcile which I told him as I was not the one this program. What happened to end it was that he found out I was on a singles website and he assumed I had been screwing around. This on top of the concert I didn't tell him about in my previous question. I told him we both acted immature as one of my responses on here suggested and I can see that. Frankly, I think he wants the summer off as he lives on the water and his daughter is going to live in his house while he is at camp which is somewhat nearby. Whenever we talk he brings up all the negative things about our relationship, dredging things up from the past that I have done while I mention all the things we have in common and enjoy doing. I feel he is focusing on the negative to justify his position. I really don't know where he is coming from. He also has not told his kids or anyone else we are apart.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 April 2015):
 vanelliliz: When you wrote this (in your last submittal):
"I go back and forth thinking it's worth saving this 16 years..." You reminded me of THIS:
WOMEN see "relationships" as something you INVEST IN; much as if you were planting maple trees so that you could have maple syrup in the future. GUYS see relationships as something that you're doing at the moment, and you can adjust or change what you're doing at the drop of a hat...
Consequently, women commonly pine the end of a relationship for some longer time than a man might.... I detect that that something like that is what's vexing you as you go through this parting-of-the-ways....
Good luck, nonetheless.....
A
female
reader, vanelliliz +, writes (24 April 2015):
vanelliliz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for that, male reader. I called him this morning and asked if he still wanted to talk in person as he had said we would have to talk eventually. We did talk on the phone Tues. night but it as a little heated with his negativity and me trying to convince otherwise. So today he says he thinks we said all we need to say on the phone which is quite impersonal. I suggested we meet in public so it would be more controlled. Then he said he needed a change, Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and just said yes let's be friends. Idk. It was a gesture and I rejected it. I go back and forth thinking it's worth saving this 16 years and oh to start again with someone else, uggh or then I think we did have interests that we didn't share, but no doubt it would be the same with someone else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015): 16 years is a very long time to be with someone. What is the old saying, "the mourning period for a break up should be half as long as the relationship lasted?" I'm not agreeing with that at all, however the message rings true in almost any case. These things take time and maybe there is a ton of resentment here and some selfish feelings as well. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but only for those individuals who truly care for the absent.
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A
female
reader, vanelliliz +, writes (23 April 2015):
vanelliliz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for both your answers. I did mean to say that, just a bit distracted here, haha
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A
female
reader, vanelliliz +, writes (22 April 2015):
vanelliliz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionas far as the sex he said early on I'm not going to give you false hope by having sex with you. Last night he reiterated in an obnoxious manner that I'm not going to stick my dick in you. Well, aren't you the self-sacrificing bastard.
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A
female
reader, vanelliliz +, writes (22 April 2015):
vanelliliz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, stringing me along did pass through my mind, Sageoldguy. I think it makes him feel better about what he is doing if we are friends and he helps me. And what he wants when he wants is certainly true, SoVeryConfused. and after talking to him on the phone last night sure didn't make me feel any better in a friend sort of way. Uggh!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2015):
 Should I stay in touch with an ex boyfriend is the question...
my answer based on your detail is NO
I would so go NO CONTACT with this guy and get on with your life.
you are investing a lot of psychic energy on a guy that wants what he wants when he wants it and if it hurts you he does not care.
time to cut bait.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 April 2015):
AFTER having wasted 16 years with this guy.... WHY spend even another MINUTE thinking about, pining for and/or interacting with him???.... WHO - it is obvious - wants only to keep you on his string?????
P.S. Double - no QUADRUPLE - my answer if ANY future interaction with him includes s*x.....
Good luck...
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