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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My Wife thinks I'm selfish because I don't want to have children, whereas she is desperate. I'm 29 and she is 30, we've been together 5 years, married just under 1 year. To be honest I don't like kids, I've never understood the appeal of children. When I hear people gush about their children and say they're the most precious things in their lives and they'd do anything for them, I'm just like: Really?I think children are annoying; I have a 4-year old nephew and don't get me wrong he's a cute kid but he annoys the hell out of me. Whenever I see him he's constantly asking me stupid questions and is always so hyper. He's a messy kid as well, whenever I go to my brother's house their living room is always littered with toys and mess.The truth is I couldn't think of anything worse than having children, I like how my life is at the moment. I have a fantastic social life with my friends that I don't want to give up yet and I'm content with how things are with my wife. I like taking her out and spending time with her, just the two of us and don't want anything to get in the way of that. All of the effort involved like the sleepless nights, financial burden and loss of social life just doesn't appeal to me.The worry is that she might end up resenting me for it. I know she loves me but her desire to have children may overtake her love for me. She keeps telling me her biological clock is ticking and needs it to happen soon but at the same time I've always had the same stance on the issue and she's known that. She agreed to marry me knowing this. I guess she just thought as I got older I'd change my tune, but I haven't. Not one bit.I can tell it's upsetting her so much but can I do? I still have dreams and life aspirations I want to fulfil and having children would ruin all of that. Is she right? Am I selfish? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (26 April 2015):
You've had some great advice already, but I just wanted to add one thing. My auntie and uncle never had children, and she's always been happy with that choice as far as I could tell. However, I was talking to her a few months back and she said that it does make her sad now that she sees her friends and the bonds they have with their grown up children.
She always thought about it from the point of view of having little children (which she's never been keen on), and not about how you are creating a family that will grow up and turn into great people that share the deepest and most special bond. She also said that while she still has a good social life in many ways, it has completely changed as all of her friends have children. That's become even more apparent now that their kids are grown up and they are tied up with weddings and grandchildren, so she feels let down and left out a lot now.
OP I'm not saying all of this to try to change your mind or make out you are wrong, I'm saying it because I myself never thought of it from this angle before so maybe you've not either?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): Dude ignore all these sentimental people.They obviously don't see it from your perspective. The fact that you're considering a divorce with the woman you love for the sake of allowing her an opportunity to have children is respectable. A careless person would stay with her and force her against parenthood. You're not selfish for wanting to enjoy your life. Just because these people give their lives to kids in order to find meaning in their life doesn't mean you have to.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 April 2015):
 My husband and I don't have children. My husband and I were on the same page when we got married. We stayed on the same page. We've been together 20+ years and I get the whole liking your life how it is. I have nieces and nephews and I know when they are 4 they can be annoying but when they are 2 or 7 or 11 or 14 or 17 they can be absolutely amazing and brilliant and such fun.
What I see in your post is selfish. It is all about you and your happiness. You
say "I still have dreams and life aspirations I want to fulfil and having children would ruin all of that." How will having a child ruin your dreams and life aspirations, exactly? It's a very dramatic statement to make. What dreams do you have? What are you doing to reach them? As you don't have children, that's not holding you back at the moment. Your life aspirations? What specifically are those? And how specifically would having children hold you back?
"The worry is that she might end up resenting me for it. I know she loves me but her desire to have children may overtake her love for me. "
The worry? Whose worry? YOUR worry. Take some ownership here.
I agree with birdynumnums that you need to find a counselor as soon as possible.
You may need to find another woman to be "content" with in the future.
Don't hold this up for her, if she really does need to have the chance to have children for her future happiness then don't sit around. Selfish is not dealing with this in a proactive way. Selfish is recognizing the problem and hoping she'll age out of it. Selfish is having really vague 'dreams and aspirations' that are a roadblock but not ever actually articulated. Selfish is not tackling the problem, um, like now.
MOVE ON THE COUNSELING ASAP!
(And again, remember that this advice is coming from a woman who did not have children and does not regret that choice.)
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 April 2015):
 I think she should not have married you knowing that you don't want children and hoping that you would change your mind. I don't think she should have married you when she knew that you didn't want children, period, but she did.
I don't think YOU should have married her when you describe her as desperate to have children either. I don't understand what the dreams and aspirations you have are, you didn't actually say what they were. You simply said you like your friends and social life and don't want things to "change". The one thing in life that is consistent is change.
Do you picture yourself in a nursing home with only old friends around? Or have you always pictured having grown adult children and grandchildren in some form or fashion?
I wouldn't judge liking children on nieces, nephews or other people's children - I never cared for anyone else's children much myself - but my children were the best adventure I ever had and am still having. Having the four of us, and now their spouses - has been a great journey. I'm looking forward to grandchildren. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
So. Both of you married knowing that each of you had a different idea on the subject. I would suggest couples therapy with a third party involved; you both aren't getting the decision made on your own. It's unfair not to make a decision together and you need to make it soon if she has to leave the marriage as it is in order to have a child - if that's what she wants - and you are then free to enjoy the life that you want.
It's too bad that you both entered the marriage knowing that you were at an impasse on this huge issue. Best of luck finding a counsellor and working things out.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 April 2015):
 "The solution" to your problem requires only a 15-minute discussion.....
YOU tell her how you feel about having children.
SHE tells you how she feels about having children.
IF those "tells" aren't in concert, THEN you and she decide if there is some "middle ground" (compromise) that you can both agree upon. If there isn't (some compromise).... then look one-another right in the eye and say, "Well, I still love you.... will always... but we can't stay married."
Good luck...
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 April 2015):
 It depends. At first I was going to write just like the other ladies " no you are not selfish, she knew exactly how you felt and she married you anyway, so she knew she was giving up becoming a mother ". But, something in your wording abour " your stance " leaves me dubious.
What was exactly your stance ? Did you tell her clearly and explicitely : I don't ever to become a father, this is just not an option for me ?
Or , your stance was just " I don't like children "?
That's not splitting hairs, it does make a big difference in practice. I am not a kid person myself at all. I'll tell you more, in my 20s NONE of my circle of friends ( but one ) was a kid person. We never babysat , we never felt " broody ", we never got misty eyed looking at babies' pictures. BUT : we all wanted our own FAMILY at some point, we all realized that if you want to have adult offspring,... they've got to be born first, we all planned at some point, somewhere down the road, to put in the time , money and freedom restrictions to accomplish that, and we all did. Gladly.
So, if you think that saying " Oh no.... another obnoxious brat coming our way " is a clear stance, maybe it wasn't. After all, you got together at 24, nowadays who's the man who wants to be a dad at that age !
Also, you say you like your life as it is AT THE MOMENT and you are not ready to give it up YET. That would suggest that yours is not a permanent, irrevocable decision. It's the same difference as a 60something saying " I am not ready for the nursing home YET " and one saying " I'd rather die than ending up in a nursing home ! ". The second kind of affirmation is inequivocable, the first is open to the evenience of a change at the right time .
What kind your stance belonged to ?.
If it was the second , and your wife was counting she could make you change your mind, but she could not- too bad for her, so do not feel minimally guilty. She knew very well what the deal was with you.
If it was the first ,.. you have ,inadvertently or not, been misleading her into thinking that the matter was still up for discussion, so now you can't be surprised, nor annoyed, if she wants to discuss it.
Which, of course, still does not mean that you should get her pregnant just to please her and keep her quiet. Having a child is an important decision and should be the shared objective, if not the fondest wish, of BOTH. But in this case, well, yes, as SVC says, you've got a problem, because it's likely that she is going to resent you- or to leave you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2015): One of you is in for a miserable life. I don't see a compromise here. One of you will sacrifice a fundamental part of their needs and will really resent it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2015): Neither of you is right or wrong ! It's just a matter of what you each feel . So what if you agreed in the past is not really important . Why debate ? What matters is how each of you feel now ...
You don't want children
She does
Sorry, but to me , this is unworkable and although I do agree that you are fully within your rights not to want kids, you do owe it to her to let her find someone who does
The drive to have children in women can be very string and perhaps she had no idea she would experience that when she agreed to the no kids thing
I'm not saying that having children is the be all and end all but not having them when you desperately want them seems like a recipe for misery
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female
reader, woeismeanyou +, writes (15 April 2015):
No it's not selfish of you, but its definitely a topic that you guys should of had before you guys got married. Honestly, whenever I'm looking for a person to date, the person must at least want a few kids, because I want a family of my own. My thing is, why propose if you knew she really wanted kids? I think that is a tie breaker in a relationship. Its like marrying someone who is into polygamy and you want a monogamous relationship. I think its unfair to her that she won't have any kids because you don't want any kids, and I think its unfair to you that you'll be living with kids that you don't like yourself. But, you never know if you for sure want kids just because you ran into some bad encounters. There is honestly nothing like having your own child.So maybe give it some thought. Consider maybe having one and see how that goes? That part is up to you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 April 2015):
 No you are not being selfish. You told her NO children, she married you anyway. she is the one being selfish by demanding you change your mind.
OTOH, IF she knew you didn't want children and you knew she did why did you two get married? Did you hope she would stop wanting children? I assume she figured you would want them.
I have many friends who have no children and they are fine... some have none due to nature, some by choice...
My current husband does not want children... for various reasons.. I have grown children from my first marriage so that he will have to deal with being "grandpa" eventually but that's a different issue.
IF you don't want children and she does she may not only resent you she may leave you.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 April 2015):
 I don't think you are selfish AT ALL. I think people who DON'T like or want kids, shouldn't try and have any, NOT for all the tea in China.
You write:
" I guess she just thought as I got older I'd change my tune, but I haven't."
She KNEW going into the marriage that YOU did NOT want kids, so she went into the marriage thinking it was a "phase" - what if you had been an alcoholic? Would she also assume that because you married her you would eventually quit drinking?
(I know drinking and having kids isn't exactly the same thing, but the POINT is the same) YOU (general you) CAN NOT ENTER a marriage thinking the other person will change to accommodate them. YOU marry THAT person, not a version you want to change.
I think you really only have one option, let her go. Get a divorce and let her find a man who DO want kids.
YOU knew that she wanted kids prior to marriage? If so... WHY would you marry someone who wants kids when you definitely don't? Or was it a "she was OK with no kids UNTIL after marriage and hitting 30?" kind of deal?
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