A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Does porn viewing encourage men to treat women with disrespect. At times I notice my partner becomes somewhat disrespectful and dismissive of me. At times it almost seems like a little contemptuous .Without fail , everytime I have noticed this , I have also noticed an increase in his porn useIs this a coincidence? I talked to a friend about this and was completely surprised when she said she notices the same with Her husband . I honestly don't think my husband realises he is doing it. What's going on and how do I handle this
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 April 2015):
 How to deal with it.... since you notice a correlation and your follow up said "any ideas on how to deal with it?"
I can only tell you what I do when my husband is "misbehaving" being disrespectful etc.
I do NOT engage him. I say to him "I'm sorry name calling is not acceptable our conversation is done I'll talk to you when you can be nice" and I WALK AWAY.. he screams at me the whole time I'm going up the steps. I keep going.. .he keeps screaming... but I refuse to engage with him when he's being a jerk.
then I LET IT GO.
once i started doing this, his stupidity has decreased a lot. He used to call me names pretty much daily. Once I started walking away from him and giving him NO feedback.. not a fight, not an argument, nothing carried over and thrown in his face, and he realized he was being deprived of his wife's companionship due to his bad behavior he has really gotten better. I'm not even sure HE realizes what has happened.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): There is another correlation factor.Men who aren't satisfied with the amount of sex they get in their relationship will probably be watching more porn. Sexual frustration fuels disrespect. That would help make heavier porn habits coincide with the disrespect even if it wasn't directly fueling it.I don't mean to accuse the OP of not satisfying her man. And I don't want to downplay the problem of porn being to misogynistic. I just want to point out another factor. IMO the *AVERAGE* guy who looks at porn is nowhere near as misogynist as the attitudes in a lot of porn movies, even when fantasizing. Men don't choose their porn with high-minded principles in mind. It's just an easy release. The porn industry reflects the attitudes of the people in it as much as the viewers. That industry attracts a lot of male dirtballs, and a lot of women who gravitate to male dirtballs.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (15 April 2015):
This has been described as “chicken and egg” by some of the posters here and I agree. I discourage the use of porn because, what I think we can say with confidence, is it makes any issues you have worse. Maybe he is a disrespectful person, or maybe he’s stressed and tired. Whatever the case, it’s hard to see how his viewing porn does anything to address the unacceptable way he shows that to you. I’m afraid I take issue with anyone who says that porn is used as a relief, or a masturbatory aid, and so it’s not quite so bad. It’s true that men who use it don’t necessarily do so because they are dissatisfied with their partners, actually are super attracted to the women in the porn, or even want the kind of sexual encounters depicted. Men often have higher sex drives. If stressed, they may find taking care of themselves with the help of porn, easier than intimacy with their partner that may involve communication, give and take. So that is where the problem creeps in: even if a mature man doesn’t get his world view, sexual expectations or view of how women should be treated from porn, it does put a block to good communication. It places easy gratification over a shared experience, and it gets in the way of finding a more productive solution to your problems. The other thing to say is that pornography is addictive. The nature of any addiction, whether to drugs, gambling, the internet or porn, is that it can take away your interest in anything else. Other interests, other things and other people get side-lined. So whilst porn is, to be fair, usually used moderately and indirectly makes other problems in a relationship worse, sometimes it can be a direct cause of problems itself. If you want to sort things out, however, don’t start by challenging his porn use. Encourage him to sit down for a talk and make time for it, then tell him that, whether he means to or not, some of his behaviour upsets you. And, for goodness sake, tell him how he could do things better or differently as well so he’s got something to work with. He may reduce his porn use if things get better. If you still have concerns about it further down the line, then raise it.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): Hi I am the OP. Thanks to everyone for the replies . Ther is a definate correlation between the increased porn and the disrespect and it seems to happen repeatedly over the years
Yet, like some people say , it's hard to know if the disrespect comes about as a result of watching the porn or if his feelings of disrespect and contempt cause him to ramp up his porn consumption
Any ideas on how to deal with this. Especially interested to hear from any women who may have dealt with this
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 April 2015):
 Hard to say whether the egg was born first, or the chicken.
Maybe the constant viewing ( I don't think that occasional viewing can do that much damage ! ) of scenes where women are demeaned, disrespected,objectified may aliment a sense of disrespect for them.
Or maybe a man who already does not feel a whole lot of respect for women won't object, in fact will enjoy and go looking for ,images which confirm and reinforce his feelings.
Personally I lean more toward this second possibility.
It's like,say, for movies with torture , violence, physical cruelty "splatter". Yeah I know that's not real torture and it's not real blood , it's all fake - I am not dumb ( and I am an ex actress ). Yet , it portrays pain and suffering, and I do not enjoy the vision, in fact the IDEA, of physical pain and suffering inflicted to human beings like myself, and I just fail to see how , real or fake that it may be , it could be entertaining, amusing or gratifying. Not for me, no thanks.
Ditto for disrespecting women. A man who enjoys seeing women disrespected in porn movies- probably is a man who already enjoys, or at least tolerates or condones , the idea of disrespecting women IRL.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): My other half tends to watch porn when he's stressed out. This is pretty common. Maybe if it is stress then it is causing him to also act like an ass.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): Watching porn shouldn't cause men to treat women with disrespect, and if it does then those men are overdoing it. They are also taking it too seriously, and it was never meant for that. Porn is supposed to be a masturbatory aid, nothing more. There should be no thought of it afterward.
Sounds like your partner needs to cut back, have him read this yourbrainonporn.com. There is a difference between what I described above and using it to the extreme, so much that it affects other areas of your life. It might be a good idea to have your friend recommend her partner to read it as well.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (15 April 2015):
 Watching porn - ok as long as it doesn't interrupt physical relationships
Being violent/disrespectful NO NO
the majority of porn online videos anyway always show the girls saying it was ok, that's the thing it's up to your relationship
Not happy move on
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): I think if a guy is disrespectful of women, he's disrespectful without any help from porn. Blame it on his personality, and upbringing. If he has an insecure and self-conscious wife or girlfriend, and he knows it hurts them knowing he views it. I'd say there are problems in that relationship, with or without porn.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 April 2015):
 Porn is one of those chicken vs egg issues. Only if men would stop watching, porn flicks wouldn't be made... Or the egg: if porn girls weren't willing to do that for few hundred dollars then men wouldn't be tempted into watching it. It's probably both but like anything dealing with sex and sexuality, its impact is vast, unforeseen and not understood. I looked up statistics on what you asked and there aren't any. People with all sorts of persuasion pontificate on what you ask but none have numbers. Then again, there have been murderers and serial killers inspired by porn so why wouldn't ordinary men come away from watching a porn flick convinced that you, his woman, are less worth after his orgasm then before it ... So, yes, it's possible, is my answer to your question.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 April 2015):
 I think it's more like disrespectful men continue to watch porn regardless of how their wives feel. He's not nice to begin with. If porn has the ability to influence how a man thinks, then their wives would actually thank them if they can screw like porn stars so no, I don't think porn encourages men to treat women with disrespect, just like I don't think video games caused students to bully others.
I used to watch porn when I was single. It was a visual tool and it made it easy for me to masturbate. It was role playing and the suggestion that women are degraded didn't bother me because they were just acting out a domination/submission fantasy. Porn did not change me or how I view men.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 April 2015):
 I don't know if there is a correlation at all.
BUT there IS a lot of porn (made by men FOR men) that are all about degradation of women, calling them whore, slut, bitch- slapping, hair pulling, where she is JUST basically a prop - showing dominance and disrespect. SO who knows maybe if SOME men watch a LOT of that kind of porn they feel entitled to treat women like female porn-stars are treated in SOME porn? Yes, some women LIKE that stuff, but I honestly think its the minority of women.
Next time he does, ASK him - ask him WHY he thinks talking to you in that manner is OK.
It is HARD to say though, because you give no example. NOT that anyone (male or female) needs to EVER treat their partner with contempt.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 April 2015):
 Maybe. It could also just be that he's being a jerk.
Call him on it!
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (15 April 2015):
I suppose it is found in older men but irregardless of what his reasons are, there are no good ones for disrespecting one's partner. You are best to bring him back to reality.
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