A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys! I really need your advice about my relationship.I am 20 and my bf is 21.Me and my boyfriend have been together for around 1,5 years. Some of this time we were in a distance relationship. I felt that he was perfectly in love with me, we were visiting each other all the time and now he even moved to another country for me. For the past 3 months we are living in the same city. I share a flat with a friend. And he lives in a flat with 3 of his friends (guys). During the past 3 months we have started having a real problem and it is getting worse and worse.My bf wants to spend almost all of the time with his friends (the guys who he lives with and who are suggesting him going out all the time). So he goes out to clubs 3 times per week and does not want me to join him (telling that 'all the guys don't like going out with their girlfriends'). If he suggests spending time together it is usually just eating something and inviting me to sleep at his place and go to the university together the next morning.I feel that this amount of time is absolutely not enough for us to spend together in order to keep a healthy relationship.I feel that he is not that into me any more. When I start telling him about how I feel and I would like us to do more activities together he usually listens and doesn't change his behaviour afterwards. He just says that he is very young and he wants a lot of time to have fun with his friends. But this really does not correspond with his decision to move to another country for me. I really do not understand what to do in this situation. Should I break up with him? I really love him and I have already put so many efforts in this relationship. Please help me with your thoughts and advice about my situation. I really need some help. Thank you very much.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 You write: "Should I break up with him? I really love him and I have already put so many efforts in this relationship."
You need to reconcile that your efforts have been in vain... and HE (apparently) doesn't love YOU.... so, YES, you should break up with him....
Good luck.... not all guys act like this. Find one you doesn't....
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2015):
 "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true." - Spock"
This is so very true.
LDRS tend NOT to last forever... because what works long distance may not work day to day... in this case your "bf" has proven it.
Honeypie stole my words.. "stop rowing the relationship boat"
in other words YOU are doing ALL the work and he's just coasting along enjoying the ride.
IF you want to know if he is doing any of the work in the relationship to make it work you stop doing it.
a. do not call and ask to see him
b. do not see him at the last minute
c. do not see him just for sex (that's an FWB by the way NOT a boyfriend)
d. do not make suggestions of plans... when he calls you and wants to see you let him make the suggestions. Anything that is "come to my place for food and sex" is declined.
do not be angry when you do this. be light and cheery and act like this is the norm.
within a few weeks you will have a better idea of where you stand with him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 I see what you mean ; you say : how come !, he was so in love with me that he even moved abroad just for me.. and now he is giving me the cold shoulder ?!
Well, the truth of the matter is that seldom people are so adventurous or so single minded to move abroad for ONE single reason. Generally there is a list of pros and cons, and if the scales incline toward the cons, they leave .
For instance, in my hometown there are tons of Muslim young men from North Africa who came here to work and save money or send some to their families. And they do, - they work hard, send money back and all. But, that's the main or official reason- they will admit that they ALSO emigrated to live it up a bit ,Western style. To drink a couple of beers in peace without getting fined , to have sex with girls without ending up on jail or marrying them the day after. They kill two birds with a stone , so to speak. Otherwise, would it have been just for working and saving.. they would have gone to Saudi Arabia or the Emirates.
It may be the same for your bf. Probably you were the main attraction in this country where you are now- but not the only one. Maybe there is a good University that he wanted to go anyway, or he wanted to distance himself from a controlling family, or yours is a country he always wanted to see anyway , etc. I know that said like this it's much less romantic... but , that's exactly what happens in general . Also , I am not accusing all 21 y.o. of being fickle , some are not ; but that's the typical age when absence makes your heart grow fonder, you really crave what's unobtainable , out of reach - when it becomes easily available it tends to lose part of its charm.
Anyway , tryng to determine exactly why he cooled off ( IF he did ) it's all guesswork. Stay with what he says , and what he does : he says that he is only young and needs lots of time to have fun and be with friends. And, he listens to your complaonts, but ( honestly ) does not promise to change and keeps doing what he is doing.
That's because he does not feel he is doing anythng wrong, and does not want to change his ways for you : I guess he has a point, at least from his point of view; not many 21 y.o. students want a serious, deep, intense relationship. They want to have fun and go with the flow, and this is not a bad thing per se. The problem is that you do not feel the same way, you want something more serious, less recreational, more connected.
I am afraid you are on a very different page - you told him what you 'd like to have ,... and he basically said " no you can't have it ".
I do not really have an answer for you, it depends how much the situation really bothers you. If it has to be a constant source of frustration and disappointment where you feel neglected and taken for granted , then I guess you should break up, I doubt that nagging and insistng will change things. At most you could compromise, ask him to go out 2 nights per week rather than 3... but I feel that, more than the actual number of hours spent together , is the superficial ,breezy,lackluster QUALITY of the r/ship which does not fulfill you . In this case it's better calling it quits.
Or, you could choose to do the same as him and go with the flow. I.e. not stress yourself out, have sex with him when he is around , and go out with your friends when he is not around. You are only young yourself, it's early to tie yourself down , and unwise to try to build a common future on the base of being " in love " . AKA infatuated, and note that I do not say that in a dismissive way, as if I don't believe that there are or there were true feelings between you. Only, just feelings ,without real life compatibility never get you anywhere, - as you have punctually seen : being in love from a distance ,interspersed of romantic visits is wonderful and is easy. Agreeing upon important stuff ( how much time is it reasonable to give to friends ? how important is to share activities and interests ? how much effort should each put into making the r/ship stronger ? etc. )... it's all another kettle of fish.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 April 2015):
 I would suggest you stop rowing the "relationship boat" for a while, don't ASK to see him, go out with friends (not dating, just out for a cup of coffee or a game of pool), go out to a club with friends (if you feel like and have time for that).
When HE does want to see you it seems to get some sex - you write :
" If he suggests spending time together it is usually just eating something and inviting me to sleep at his place and go to the university together the next morning."
But he doesn't WANT to take time away from all his partying to spend time with you. So you have to sort of revolve around WHAT he wants and WHEN he wants it.
I'd back off a bit, get busy with school work. See how he reacts to you not being the one who ALWAYS wants to see him.
Don't go on sleep overs. If he wants to spend time with you, it ought to be WHILE you two are AWAKE.
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